Kate McKinnon Is Worried About Matt Damon | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Kate McKinnon

Miley Cyrus

Mark Ronson

[Starts with Matt, Kate, Miley, and Mark standing on the stage]

Matt Damon: Hi, I’m Matt Damon, and I’m hosting SNL with musical guests Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.

Kate McKinnon: Matt, what’s been your favorite part of the week so far?

Matt Damon: Oh, the parties for sure.

Miley Cyrus: Oh, yes, the cast parties.

Kate McKinnon: What parties?

Mark Ronson: Remember that goat last week? [Miley, Mark, and Matt laughing]

Miley Cyrus: [Miley, Mark, and Matt laughing]That was too much.

Matt Damon: Goat!

Kate McKinnon: What parties?

Matt Damon: So good.


Matt Damon: Hi, I’m Matt Damon, and I’m hosting SNL with musical guests Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.

Kate McKinnon: Mark. I’m such a big fan.

Mark Ronson: Thank you, Kate.

Kate McKinnon: Miley, you’re on fire.

Miley Cyrus: Back at you Kate.

Kate McKinnon: Matt, you doing okay?

[Matt Damon confused]

Matt Damon: What? Yeah. Come on. I’m fine.

Kate McKinnon: That’s good. [Kate gestures her head ‘No’]

Matt Damon: Fine.

SNL Host Matt Damon Goes All Out for Secret Santa | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Beck Bennett

Mark Ronson

Miley Cyrus

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of decorated Christmas tree][Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: And thus ended the great gift of 2004. [Cut to everybody sitting together] No, like I said, secret Santa [Cut to Matt Damon] is my favorite day of the year.

[Cut to everybody sitting together]

Beck Bennett: Me too.

Mark Ronson: All right.

Beck Bennett: Mark, you want to go first?

Mark Ronson: Yes, sure. Thanks. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] [Mark opens the box] Oh. It’s a turkey sandwich.

Beck Bennett: Yeah, remember that one time I was eating a turkey sandwich and you were like, [Cut to Beck Bennett] “Looks good”.

Mark Ronson: I think I remember. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] Yes, so you put it in the box and you gave it to me now.

[Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: That’s really, really weird Beck.

Beck Bennett: I don’t know. [Cut to Beck Bennett] I put my sandwich in a box.

Miley Cyrus: Okay, [Cut to Miley Cyrus] it’s my turn.

Matt Damon: Oh, well. [Cut to Matt Damon] The zig is up. [Cut to everybody] I got Miley this year. There you go.

Miley Cyrus: Thank you. [Cut to Miley Cyrus opening the box] [There’s diamond necklace inside the box] Oh, Matt. This is way too much. You said we were keeping it modest this year.

Matt Damon: [Cut to everybody] I know. I got carried away. [Cut to Matt Damon] I just love secret Santa.

Miley Cyrus: [Cut to Miley Cyrus] Thank you, so sweet. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] Better than a turkey sandwich.

Beck Bennett: Well, I mean it depends on who you are.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: All right, I believe it’s my turn. [Cut to Cecily and Matt] Who is it?

Cecily Strong: It’s me.

Matt Damon: I knew it’s you. I know it.

Cecily Strong: I didn’t make eye contact.

Matt Damon: No, you didn’t. I was like, “It’s her”.

[Matt Damon opens the box and finds a scarf in it]

Cecily Strong: I made it myself. The scarf obviously. I didn’t finish it but.

[Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: Oh!

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Why don’t you put it on?

Matt Damon: Yeah! No, I’m- I’m so hot. I’m afraid I’ll get like a rash or some kind.

Cecily Strong: Do you like it?

Matt Damon: Yeah!

Cecily Strong: Then put it on!

Matt Damon: I don’t want to.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: It will definitely look good.

Mark Ronson: You should do it.

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: This was your idea. Secret Santa. Come on.

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Put it on.

Matt Damon: It doesn’t exactly go with–

Cecily Strong: Put it on.

[Cut to Matt Damon putting on the scarf]

Miley Cyrus: Oh, that is nice. [Cut to Miley and Mark]

Mark Ronson: Beautiful.

Matt Damon: I kind of feel like [Cut to Matt Damon] you guys are applauding to make me feel better about it.

Miley Cyrus: It’s great.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Don’t ever say something like that.

Miley Cyrus: You should [Cut to Miley Cyrus] definitely wear that outside.

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Why? You don’t like it?

Matt Damon: I didn’t say that. You ruined my favorite day.

Cecily Strong: What’s that?

Matt Damon: Merry Christmas.

Weekend Update Angel Reacts to Good Holiday News | Season 44 Episode 9

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Tommy… Matt Damon

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: With the holidays coming up, everyone can use a little cheer. Here with “Weekend Update’s” good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, please welcome Angel.

[Angel comes in]

Angel: Hi Michael.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Hi Angel, how are you?

Angel: You know,I’m hanging in there.

Michael Che: You have any big holidays plan?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Yeah, well, you know, Tommy’s got a big fight coming up on Christmas so I guess the only thing he will be getting from Santa is a concussion.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: He’s boxing on Christmas?

Angel: Not as far as I’m concerned. [Cut to Angel] I mean Tommy can get his sleigh bell rung all he wants but if he goes to that fight, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay, Angel.

Angel: You hear me, Michael, the kids, I’m taking them to my sister’s.

Michael Che: All right, well here’s some good holiday news. How about that? Tyler Perry made headlines this week when he paid off over $400,000 in Walmart layaways.

Angel: [Disappointed] Oh–

Michael Che: What? What’s wrong with that?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: I mean, what are you doing, Tyler Perry? You think you’re some hero, paying for people’s Christmas presents? Well, my kids already got their Gronk jerseys. What they need is their father. So unless you’re gonna be there on Christmas morning to say hello, then my biggest family reunion will be missing a few people, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay. All right.

Angel: All right? That’s where we will be on Christmas, Michael. At 343 Donnie Wahlberg Way.

Michael Che: Let’s just change the subject. You’ll like this. ‘Creed II’ has made over $100 million at the box office. Did you get to see it?

Angel: [Disappointed] Aww—

Michael Che: What did I say now?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Oh, if you think for a second I’m taking my kids to see Creed’s kids fight Drago’s kids and not my sister’s kids and my sister, then you lost your damn mind, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s!

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Come on, Angel, everybody loves another ‘Rocky’ movie.

Angel: Oh, yeah, [Cut to Angel] how many more sequels? Which one is enough? Michael B. Jordan? Nah, Michael be needing his Catheter changed three times a week. All right?

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Angel, it’s just a movie.

Angel: Oh, Michael, you think it’s a movie—until it’s your life.

Tommy: Angel! [Tommy comes in] Angel!

Angel: Oh, my god! Tommy, [Cut to Angel and Tommy] what are you doing here?

Tommy: I can ask you the same thing. You said you were taking the kids to your sister’s.

Angel: Yeah, yeah, well, I did. And then I came here, to my job. I’m doing the news now for Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy. Michael is confused.] And it turns out I’m pretty good at it.

Tommy: What? [Cut to Angel and Tommy] Now you’ve been on ‘Update’, you think you’re better than me?

Angel: Yeah, Tommy, I do.

Tommy: Look, I may have been born in the back of the cheers bar, but everyone knows my name, Tommy Ray Donovan, fighter and father to Mikey, Mickey, Peppens, Keno and the baby.

Angel: What do you mean?

Tommy: You’re pregnant, Angel.

Angel: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: How does he know before you?

[Cut to Angel and Tommy]

Tommy: I love you so frigging much.

Angel: I love you so frigging much, Tommy! Now you go out there and punch that man until you kill him! All right?

Tommy: I will.

Angel: All right, it’s Christmas!

Tommy: That’s right.

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: Angel and Tommy, everybody!

Tommy: We’re naming the kid Gronk!

Angel: Even if it’s a girl.

Matt Damon Monologue | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Matt Damon.

[Cheers and applause] [Matt Damon enters the door and walks to the stage. He claps with the audiences.]

Matt Damon: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so excited to be here for the ‘SNL’ Christmas show. [Cheers and applause] Nothing beats Christmas in New York city. Except Christmas in Boston. [Laughter] Go Sox! This is actually my second time hosting the show. The first time was 16 years ago. Yeah, that is five ‘Jason Bourne’s’ ago. [Laughter] I hosted the premiere of the 28th season. It was actually so long ago, it was Fred Armisen’s first episode. And tonight is Beck’s last episode.

[Cut to Beck Bennett back stage, shocked]

Beck Bennett: I’m sorry, say what?

[Cut to Matt Damon on the stage]

Matt Damon: Oh sorry, maybe they’re gonna tell you that later. But so much has happened in the last 16 years. I got married. I have four beautiful children. [Cheers and applause] I have been able to travel the world and meet so many wonderful people doing this job that I love to do so much. And if you told me that any of this would have happened 16 years ago, well, I might have believed you. But if you told me that Ben Affleck and would I have been washing cars in Summer Ville, Maschusetts, well I would have believed that too. [Laughter]

Now, I’m not actually here tonight to promote anything. I’m herejust  because I want to be. I certainly didn’t come all this way to suck. But if I do, at least my movie won’t suffer. Because I don’t have one coming out. [Laughter]

So it really does mean a lot for me to be here tonight. Growing up, my brother and I would go to my dad’s house every other weekend. And he told us if we could stay up until 1 AM, we could watch ‘Saturday Night Live’. So week after week I tried to stay up. But it wasn’t until I was 8 years old that I made it all the way to the end. And I probably didn’t get all of the jokes. But I laughed at everything my dad laughed at. And although it was way past our bedtime, my dad knew that there was nothing more important in the world than to laugh with the people that you love. So my father passed away a year ago yesterday.

But tonight my big brother is in Boston right now, watching with his two boys and all of my kids are here, including my youngest, who happens to be 8 years old. So, my wife and I told her that yeah, she can stay up tonight until 1 AM and she can watch ‘Saturday Night Live’. And she said, “Who’s hosting?” [Laughter] And I said, “Me, your dad. Matt Damon.” And she said, “Who’s the musical guest?” [Laughter]

Now because this is the last ‘SNL’ of the year, I just wanted to propose a toast [Matt Damon gets a glass of champagne] to everyone out there watching. Here’s to closing out the year, and to an even brighter year ahead. But mostly, here’s to all of the moms and dads to let their kids stay up too late for all of the right reasons. Cheers! [Cheers and applause]

Now we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus and Mark Ronson are here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Cut for Time Glitter Litter Automatic Litter | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a cat sleeping beside Glitter Litter automatic litter factory][Matt is calling his cat. The cat is ignoring him]

Matt Damon: Hey biscuit. Come here. Come here biscuit. Come here. [Matt turns around] Cats suck. Anyone who has lived with one knows what I’m talking about. [Cut to cat acting lazy] So maybe it’s time you got a little more out of our relationship [Cut to Matt] with your few line counter part. And maybe even make a few bucks while you’re at it. [Matt stands][Matt is introducing Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] With Glitter Litter automatic litter factory, it’s possible.

[Cut to animated video clip of how Glitter Litter automatic litter factory works]

The Glitter Litter automatic litter factory spray coats the cat’s business with glitter, then adds a coat of polyurethane. Next, chains attached and Woah-lah! [Cut to Matt wearing the gold necklace] A super dope necklace to wear over my jerseys. Fire.

[Cut to Matt playing snooker at the bar. A stranger approaches to him.]

Stranger: Oh, man! This chain is dope. How much you’re going for like? $200?

 Matt Damon: Sure.

Stranger: Be right back. I got to find ATM quick.

[Cut to cat getting inside Glitter Litter automatic litter factory]

 Matt Damon: Glitter Litter automatic litter factory can make [Cut to video clips of example jewelry made by Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] charm bracelets, chokers, earrings, barrettes, just about any kind of jewelry you can think of.

[Cut to video clip of how to use Glitter Litter automatic litter factory ]

Just select the style and type of jewelry you want and [Cut to cat getting out of Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] the next time Fluffy dumps a brownie, [Cut to Matt] you’ll own a remarkable piece of jewelry. Like this sick ring I’m wearing. Create timeless pieces that look good on anyone.

[Cut to Aidy and Heidi dining in a restaurant]

Aidy Bryant: Heidi, where did you get that barrette? It’s stunning.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Oh, this? A friend of mine dropped it off this morning.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Can I buy it with a personal check?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Sure. [Smiling] [Cut to Matt]

 Matt Damon: Cats are morons. Isn’t it time you got a little payback in a relationship? Sounds like my cat and Glitter Litter automatic litter factory are done making my new grill.

[Cut to grill coming out of Glitter Litter automatic litter factory][Matt takes the grill and wears it on his teeth] [Cut to Glitter Litter automatic litter factory and cat wearing Christmas hat]

Narrator: This Christmas, put your cat to work with Glitter Litter automatic litter factory.

Cop Christmas | Season 44 Episode 9

Kelly… Matt Damon

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Connor… Beck Bennett

Captain… Alec Baldwin

Paul… Kyle Mooney

Maureen… Cecily Strong

Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a shot of a bar]

Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.

Rhonda: You got it.

Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.

Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.

Paul: His wife told me somebody did.

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: Good one, Paul.

Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.

Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing] [Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.

Carl: But I am!

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!

Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y

[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]

Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.

Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.

Kelly: I hope you do.

Paul: Thanks, man.

Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]

Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.

Paul: Really, Carl?

Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?

Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.

Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.

Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.

Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?

[Maureen walks behind them]

Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.

Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!

Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]

Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.

Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]

Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!

Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Connor: Yeah, right!

Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?

Connor: Who, Beverly?

Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot] [Cut to Everybody]

Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.

Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.

Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.

Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]

Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.

Connor: Merry Christmas, man.

Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.

[Cut to Rhonda]

Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!

[Everybody laughing] [Cut to Everybody]

Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]

Christmas Ornaments | Season 44 Episode 9

Husband… Kyle Mooney

Wife… Melissa Villaseñor

Drunk Santa… Beck Bennett

Good Will Hunting ornament… Matt Damon

Harry Potter… Mikey Day

Souvenir from Cleveland… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Barb… Aidy Bryant

The Angel… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of house in Christmas]

Husband: There it is. I love this one, [Cut to husband and wife decorating Christmas tree inside their house] drunk Santa. This baby’s going front and center.

Wife: Oh, come on babe, drunk Santa is tacky. This is a classy tree.

Husband: Okay, sorry. Drunk Santa, you’ve been sentenced to the back of the tree. [Husband places the Drunk Santa at the back of the tree] [Cut to ornaments at the back of the tree]

Drunk Santa: Wait, wait, wait, wait, where am I! [Talking over each other] Why am I back here with all of you?

Souvenir from Cleveland: All of us losers? The d-listers? Face it, Fish, you’re one of us! [Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland] The ornaments that are only seen by the wall. I’m your peer now. Take a good look at me! I’m a souvenir from your trip to Cleveland. You heard that right, Cleveland. And greeting singular from Cleveland, I was clearly bought at an airport. I’m head to toe nudes and when you lose, you lose. I’m back here with the freaks, and the fuglies, and now you are too.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament]

Drunk Santa: But I’m funny.

Souvenir from Cleveland: Ha-ha! You all hear that, he’s funny! Fool, you’re tacky, and tacky goes in backy!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: But I was in front of the tree once.

Good Will Hunting ornament: So was I, fish, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] years ago. And for your consideration promotional “Good Will Hunting” ornament. Yeah, cause that makes sense. “Good Will Hunting” screams Christmas. [Cut to Drunk Santa confused] And get this, I can talk too. You want to hear that sound like with [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] 20 year old batteries?  [In dead battery voice] “How do you like them apples?”

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, no, I don’t like them at all!

Good Will Hunting ornament: What, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] you don’t think it’s fair? On the back of me, you know what it says? It says, “Happy holidays from the Weinstein company”. Yeah, that holds up. [Cut to Drunk Santa] I’ve aged about as well as Rudy over there.

Drunk Santa: Who’s Rudy?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Me, a Rudy Giuliani Ornament from 2001. I still don’t understand why I’m back here. I’m America’s mayor. Did something change?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Yes, you see that Fish, you got to accept you’re back of the tree material now. Don’t be like Harry Potter, who refuses to accept that. Since the back of his quidditch broom broke, he looks like he’s doing something nasty.

[Cut to Harry Potter. It looks like he’s holding his penis in place of the broom]

Harry Potter: Be quiet! I look like I play quidditch, and nothing more!

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland:  You look like the cover of a “Harry Potter” porno!

[Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter:  No, I don’t. And when they get me a new broom, I’ll be back on the front, you’ll see!

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Potter’s got the most dangerous thing you can have back here, hope.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, Fish. You should give up, like Barb.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Barb, who’s Barb?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Kill me!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh god, what is she?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Beats me. Kid brought her home from Kindergarten, and said I made a Christmas and that’s all we know.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Barb, what the hell even are you?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Barb is dead. You call me what I am. You call me Macaroni turd.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament][Someone starts to sing]

Drunk Santa: What is that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani:  That my fiend, is the angel.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: She’s a destroyed ornament kept for sentimental value.

Souvenir from Cleveland: She used to be the angel, [Cut to the Angel facing sideways] living large up on top of the tree. And then a light bulb melted off her damn head. [The Angel turns her head. Her half head is melt.] She’s never been the same since.

[The Angel sings in a horrible voice] [Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter: She sings us to sleep ever night. The anthem of the ugly, the hymn of the hideous.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Let me be the first to say greeting from the back of the tree.

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Macaroni turd could be a friend to you.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, god, I can’t believe I’m going to spend my Christmas back here with you people.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Believe it Fish, you’re one of us now. [In dead battery voice] How do you like them apples?

Westminster Daddy Show | Season 44 Episode 9

Kate McKinnon

Jerry… Matt Damon

Georgina Mont-Blanc… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Tweedy Daddy… Alex Moffat

Business Daddy… Chris Redd

[Starts with the intro of 85th Annual West Minister Daddy show]

Announcer: Welcome back to the 85th Annual West Minister Daddy show.

[Cut to Kate and Jerryin their set]

Kate McKinnon: Well, it’s Christmas time, so you know what that means.

Jerry: I do. It means it’s time for the Daddy Show.

Kate McKinnon: It is.

Jerry: We are finally up to the best in show category and I have to say, this year’s competitors are raising the bar.

Kate McKinnon: They are indeed. For anyone just joining us, this is a dog show but for daddies.

Jerry: Now, what exactly is a daddy?

Kate McKinnon: Well, think George Clooney but achievable.

Jerry: Love that. It’s like we say –

Both: Any man can be a father, but it takes a hot middle-aged guy with a big job to be a daddy.

[Cut to the stage. Georgina Mont-Blanc walks in.]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, here comes out head judge, Georgina Mont-Blanc. What do you think she’s looking for from this year’s pack of daddies?

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Our judges will be looking for men over the age of 46 with a little salt and pepper at the temples, some play money to throw around and a smug knowing smile that says “I do sex good”.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Bring out the daddies.

Kate McKinnon: And we’re off. [Golf daddy and his assistant start jogging around Georgina Mont-Blanc] Here comes the winner of the sporting group, West Palm Golf Daddy.

[Cut to Golf Daddy and his assistant]

Jerry: Golf Daddy is a consultant who loves hanging out with buddies at the 19th hole, which I’m told is slang for bar.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, that’s a funny daddy. He went through a divorce last year which is typical of the breed, lot of weekends away from home.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc, Golf Daddy and his assistant]

Jerry: Looks like the judge is [Georgina Mont-Blanc starts to put her hands on Golf Daddy’s teeth and look at his veneers] looking at his new veneers. Yes, it’s cute little joke about them is at least my ex can’t take these.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, that’s cute. I like that. Nice showing from Golf Daddy. [Golf daddy and his assistant leave] Okay.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Oh, now, here comes my personal favorite. Winner of the teach me, Daddy group. It’s Berkeley Tweedy Daddy.

[Cut to Kenan and Tweedy Daddy walk around Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, yes. The Tweedy Daddy ought to have a long, elegant gape and this one does in spades.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Notable traits, the breed are biking to work and being absolutely awful to waiters.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Go ahead and bring him here.

Kenan: [Kenan talks to Tweedy Daddy like a dog] Yes. Tweedy Daddy, come here. And Tweedy Daddy right here. [Tweedy Daddy doesn’t listen to Kenan] Tweedy Daddy up on here. Tweedy Daddy right there. Tweedy Daddy right there. Here come Tweedy Daddy here. Get up Tweedy Daddy on here.

Tweedy Daddy: Maybe if you present the argument, better I respect it.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Jerry: Another trait of the breed, being an obstructionist a-hole.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Please, bring him here.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Tweedy Daddy: Please, debate me, coward.

Georgina Mont-Blanc:  That’s a DQ.

Kate McKinnon: Tweedy Daddy disqualified. Georgina is not taking any of that.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: She never does, wink wink.

Kate McKinnon: Stop. Here’s the next competitor, always a crowd favorite.

[Cut to Business Daddy and his assistant walk around Georgina Mont-Blanc.]

Jerry: From the working too much group, Wall Street Business Daddy.

[Business Daddy is busy on his phone]

Business Daddy: I don’t know when I’ll be there [Cut to Business Daddy and his assistant] but I played for V.I.P. parking so it shouldn’t Jerryer, period.

[Cut to Business Daddy, his assistant and Georgina Mont-Blanc.]

Jerry: Business Daddies are obsessed with efficiency. They love using the text-to-speech feature to text their fiances.

Kate McKinnon: Okay, judge is manipulating the Billfold. [Georgina Mont-Blanc takes Business Daddy’s wallet out and feels it]

Jerry: Yeah, what she’s looking for here is feeling for the give of cash and the firmness of a very heavy credit card.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, I got to say, this daddy could get it.

Jerry: It’s not just about can this daddy get it, it’s about this daddy a champion?

Kate McKinnon: That’s right. Because all of these daddies could get it. Obviously they can get it because if they couldn’t get it, they wouldn’t be here.

Jerry: So true. Okay.

[Cut to the stage, Georgina Mont-Blanc, Golf Daddy and his assistant, and Business daddy and his assistant]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Can I see the Business Daddy, the Golf Daddy, and the announcer.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Wait, what? I don’t even have a handler!

Kate McKinnon: You heard her, get down there! [Jerry goes] Oh, very exciting turn of events, folks. Jerry is the Pedigree Broadcast Daddy! [Cut to Jerry is running around the stage like the other daddies did before] Makes a little awkward sex joke, looks great holding a mic. He could take this. [Georgina Mont-Blanc tells other daddies to run with Jerry around the stage] Okay, go around. Wow. Okay, this might be how she wants them.

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Okay. Third Golf Daddy, Second Business Daddy, first, Broadcast Daddy!

Kate McKinnon: Wow! What a coup! Jerry takes best in show!

Jerry: Best daddy! I did it!

[Cut to Kate]

Kate McKinnon: What an exciting daddy show. Thank you for joining us. I don’t have a name. Goodnight.

[Ends with Outro]

Weezer | Season 44 Episode 9

Beck Bennett

Martha… Heidi Gardner

Matt Damon

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video clip of a house in a Christmas night] [Laughing] [Cut to dining hall with six adults]

Beck: I mean, we can laugh at it now.

Martha: That’s our favorite story.

Matt Damon: So good.

Martha: Can I get anyone a drink?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: Real quick, hey, just so you know, I just got to say thank you so much for inviting us. I know we just moved into the neighborhood but it’s nice to have company around the holidays.

Leslie Jones:  Yes, you all have been so welcoming.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Don’t mention it. That’s what neighbors are for.

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck:  Yeah. You’re welcome here anytime.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Thank you so much.

Cecily Strong: Cheers to our new neighbors.

[Cut to everyone]

Everbody: Cheers! Cheers!

[Music plays]

Matt Damon: Oh, Now we’re talking. Who put this on?

Cecily Strong: This song sounds familiar. What is this again?

Martha: I don’t know, it’s on shuffle.

Matt Damon: I’m sorry. [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Wait, you haven’t heard this yet? This Weezer’s cover of “Africa”. It’s good right?

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck: Wheezer? I didn’t know they were still a band.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Haha. Where the hell have you been, Rick? They just set a released date for the freaking “Black” album. [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I mean, they’re laying new year’s rocking eve. Come on, Weezer!

Beck: Oh, okay. Ha.

Leslie Jones: So you call yourself a Weezer fan?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: Baby, please it’s Christmas.

Leslie Jones: No, no, no, I’m just asking him a question. Sounds like you’re into that new stuff?

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Damn straight. I mean I think they’re doing some real cool things right now.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: ♪Baby be cool♪

Leslie Jones: I’m just getting to know the neighbors. I’m just a little confused because real Weezer fans know that they haven’t had a good album since “Pinkerton” in 96’.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Oh! Uh-oh. Looks like we got a purist in the house. All right, I’m going to have fun with this.

Cecily Strong: What’s happening right now?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie Jones:  What’s happening is that Weezer put out two perfect albums, “Blue” and “Pinkerton”, and the rest have been pretty corny.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Well, that’s your opinion, but me, I’m ride or die.

Cecily Strong: For Weezer?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: They’ve been trash since 2001, son.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Well if you think that, then you ain’t going to like what I’m about to say.

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck: Well then please don’t say it.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: “Pork and beans” is better than “Buddy Holly”.

[Cut to everyone in the dining hall]

Leslie Jones: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry. You’re dumb. Beck, tell him he’s dumb! [Leslie stands with her champagne] [Cut to Beck and Leslie]

Martha: Is this something people care about?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: No, no, it isn’t.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Wait, let me guess, you only listened to the first two records?

Leslie Jones: Hey, man, [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I’ll go all the way.

Matt Damon: You know what you sound like right now? [Matt also stands] Okay, hold on. Here’s what you sound like, you sound like, [Cut to Matt] “Oh, hey I’m stuck in 1994. High school’s awesome!” Why don’t you grow the hell up. Listen to “Raditude”, listen to “Pacific Daydreams.”

[Cut to Leslie. She is laughing hard]

Leslie Jones: Pacific Daydream is not music, man.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: No offense, but burn in hell. I mean you just don’t understand what Rivers is going through right now.

[Cut to Leslie][Leslie grabs her champagne glass and breaks it with a tight grasp][Leslie is angry]

Leslie Jones: Bitch! [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] Rivers doesn’t understand what Rivers is going through right now! I know more about Rivers than he knows about himself.

Martha: I’m gathering that Rivers might be a guy in Weezer?

Matt Damon: Look, can we all just agree that Weezer is the best band of all time?

[Some say ‘Yes’, some say ‘No’. Leslie says ‘Yes’.] [Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: And then became the worst band of all time!

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: What? Do you even listen to “Memories”?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: [Laughing] [Leslie talks while she claps] You are a grown-ass man! You bringing up stuff from early?

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: [Matt claps while talking to mock Leslie] It was in “Jask ass 3D”.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: [Laughing] Weezer died when Matt Sharp left.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Weezer didn’t start until Scott Shriner got there!

[Cut to everyone in the dining hall]

Leslie Jones: Oh, you trying to die. [Leslie tries to jump on Matt]

Kenan Thompson: Baby, calm down! I will testify this time.

Cecily Strong: Hey, you know what band I always liked? [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Yellow card.

Matt Damon: No offense, Tammy, but drink my blood.

Cecily Strong: What? Is that a Weezer reference?

Matt Damon: No, no, that is a Todd original. You know, I don’t even know why I cam here tonight.

[Cut to Beck, Martha, Matt and Cecily]

Martha: Yeah, neither do we.

Beck: No one technically invited you.

Matt Damon: Oh, can it, dork. Martha, no offfense, your neighbors suck and I’m glad we’re divorced. But if you want to get back together with me— [Matt starts walking away]

Martha: I don’t.

Matt Damon: But if you do want to get back together with me, you know where to find me.

[Cut to Kenan, Matt and Leslie]

Martha: Don’t say it!

Matt Damon: ♪Living in Beverly Hills♪[Matt mocks Leslie with the song and leaves]

Leslie Jones: Well, I actually like that song.

It’s a Wonderful Trump Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 9

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne… Kate McKinnon

Donald Jr. Trump… Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Melania… Cecily Strong

Hernia… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Mike Pense… Beck Bennett

Brett Kavanaugh… Matt Damon

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a black and white video clip of bell ringing] [Cut to address board saying ‘You are in Washington, D.C.’][Cut to video clips of White House office]

Unknown speaker 1: And lord, please help Donald Trump. He’s not a good man, but he is in trouble.

Unknown speaker 2: Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help Mr. Trump tonight. He’s a nightmare, but he’s all I got.

Melania: Please send an angel to help my Donald tonight. Oh, and I would also like a Cartier watch, thank you.

[Cut to Donald Trump coming out to the balcony]

Donald Trump: Well, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I might actually eat a salad and explode.

[Clarence walks to Donald Trump]

Clarence: What seems to be trouble, Donald?

Donald Trump: Who are you? Stay back.

Clarence: Relax, I mean you no harm. My name is Clarence. And I was send here from heaven. I heard you are in trouble.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s awful. Everything is falling apart. Sometimes I wish I had never been president.

Clarence: A world where you were never president, hey? I think we can arrange that.

[Cut to intro of ‘It’s a Wonderful Trump’] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence walk into the room full of people]

Donald Trump: Wow! Everyone looks so different. What are those things on their faces?

Clarence: Those are called smiles.

[Sarah walks to Donald Trump]

Sarah: Hey, Mr. Trump, [Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump] I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Donald Trump: It’s President Trump, Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, that’s a good one! Seriously though, I just wanted to thank you for suggesting I go into PR. I’ve made so much money working for so many awesome companies like Facebook and Ashley Madison and The Romaine Lettuce Association. Merry Christmas Donald. [Sarah leaves]

Donald Trump: Wait, Sarah isn’t my press secretary?

Clarence:  I told you, Donald. You don’t have a press secretary. Because you weren’t elected president.

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, my god, you look incredible! So healthy and vibrant.

Kellyanne: Actually that’s because I’m actually no longer eaten from within by lies. And after we lost the campaign, the devil did give me my soul back. So, excuse me, [Cut to Kellyanne] I have to go find my husband, who I do speak to now. [Kellyanne leaves] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wait, so Hillary is president?

Clarence: That’s right. In this reality, all she had to do to win was visit Wisconsin once.

Donald Trump: But, did they find her e-mails?

Clarence: They did. They were all bed, bath and beyond coupons.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric walks to Donald Trump]

Don Jr.: Hello, father.

Donald Trump: Oh, my sons, [Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence] my boys, Don Jr. and Eric. Eric is that a Rubik’s cube?

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: And finito, haha. That’s Italiano for finished.

[Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What the hell is happening with Eric?

Don Jr.: Well, since Eric does not run the entire Trump Organization, he was able to attend adult education classes.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: Merry Christmas, father. Or as they say in Spanish, Feliz Nasty-dad.

Don Jr.: You got a way to go buddy. [Don Jr. and Eric leave] [Melania walks to Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, so nice to see you. How are you?

Donald Trump: Melania, what happened to your accent?

[Cut to Melania]

Melania: Oh, I lost it after we got divorced. They said being around you all the time was hurting my language skills.

[Cut to Melania and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you’re still smocking hot! Are you holding up okay?

Melania: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cut to Melania] I have a huge real estate empire now. I figured if Donald can do it, anyone can do it. And I’m happily remarried to Papa John.

[Hernia walks near Melania][Cut to Hernia, Melania, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: And who is this woman?

Melania: Oh, don’t you recognize her? She’s your new wife Hernia.

Clarence: Yeah, she was a suitcase girl in the Serbian version of “Deal or No Deal”.

[Cut to Hernia and Melania]

Hernia: It’s called “Potato or No Potato”. And I did this. [Gesturing as if she’s opening something and moving her lips as saying “potato”.] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Jackpot.

Clarence: I’ll say. I’m an angel. But I ain’t no angel. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Cohen walks to Donald Trump and hugs him]

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, Merry Christmas!

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, shouldn’t you be in jail after you flipped on me?

Michael Cohen: What? I would never, ever flip on you. [Cut to Michael Cohen] You’re my best friend. And since it’s Christmas, I just want to say, you taught me everything I know.

Donald Trump: Oh, come on, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: No, it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done is because [Cut to Michael Cohen] you directed me to do it. And I hope everyone knows it. We’re a team like O.J. and Kato, or Lyle and Erik Menendez.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, Merry Christmas, Michael.

Michael Cohen: And I’ll see you tomorrow at the grand opening of Trump Tower Moscow!

[Michael Cohen leaves] [Music starts playing]

Donald Trump: Wait, what’s that music?

Clarence: Mike Pense is deejaying.

[Cut to Mike Pense deejaying] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Mike, is that what you’re doing now?

[Cut to Mike Pense]

Mike Pense: Oh, hell yeah, dog. It’s so great to be myself. Thank god I was never your vice president. I would just be sitting in meetings with you and Pelosi and Schumer just staring out in space imagining this. [Mike Pense starts dancing] [Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow. So everyone is better off without me being president.

Clarence: Well, not just them. You’re better off too.

[Cut to a doctor standing beside Donald Trump]

Doctor: Oh, my god, Donald. Your hair, it worked!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What is she talking about?

Clarence: Well, this is a Muslim immigrant from Syria. She was allowed to come to America. And she discovered a permanent solution for hair loss.

Donald Trump: My god, it’s all real. If there’s no Muslim ban, what about a potential terrorist attack?

Clarence: Well, it was foiled by a team of transgender NAVY S.E.A.L.S.

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh walking in]

Brett Kavanaugh: All right, when is the party getting started? Whew!

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Brett Kavanaugh, how is the supreme court?

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh]

Brett Kavanaugh: Me on the supreme court? With my temperament, are you insane? No, they went with that nerd Merrick Garland. But on the plus side when I tell people I like beer, they find it charming and not like I’m threatening violence. Plus, I have so much more time now to hang out with P.J. and Squee and Needle Dick Nick and no means yes Nate. [Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence] Hey, I brought a little present for you. It’s a calendar. And every day is a different beer.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Brett.

Brett Kavanaugh: Merry Christmas, everyone. Let’s do this! [Brett Kavanaugh leaves]

Donald Trump: But Clarence, what about my agenda, all of the things I wanted to accomplish as president?

Clarence: Well, that’s the best part about not being president. You can still say the same stuff, build a wall, bring back coal. But you don’t have to deal with the fact that all of your ideas are impractical or insane. So Americans love you.

Donald Trump: Wow, this is all so great. It’s like Robert Mueller doesn’t exist.

[Cut to Robert Mueller walking in] [Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Robert Mueller: Oh, really? Hello, Mr. Trump. I have waited for this moment for a long time.

Donald Trump: Mr. Mueller, I’ve been meaning to come and talk to you, but, golf.

Robert Mueller: I have something for you.

Donald Trump: Is it a subpoena or your final report?

Robert Mueller: No, report? [Cut to Robert Mueller] No, no. No, it’s a picture of my grandson. I’ve been spending so much more time with him since I don’t have to investigate some idiot for treason.

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, it sounds like you know I used to be president.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I know everything. Everything!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow, this night has put everything into perspective. I have had an epiphany. I guess the world does need me to be president after all.

Clarence: Yeah, that was not the lesson at all.

Donald Trump: I want to be president again! I want to be president again!

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Listen, Donald, every time a bell rings, [The video changes to color video with everyone in the scene] someone you know quits or goes to jail.

Donald Trump: So I am president again! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Clarence: No, not the lesson!

Donald Trump: So Merry Christmas, everyone! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!