Easter Hotline

Sasheer Zamata

Grandmother… Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones

Matthew… Kyle Mooney

David, Thomas… Taran Killam

Grandfather… Michael Keaton

[Starts with Sasheer talking]

Sasheer: It’s been a long lonely winter and you’re dying to connect with someone new. Well, we know the perfect woman ready to take you call. she can’t wait to talk. So this Easter, why not try calling?

[Cut to Grandmother]

Your grandmother. Your grandmother is standing by ready to talk all day long.

[phone ringing] [Grandmother picks up the phone]

Grandmother: Hello.

[Cut to split screen of Matthew and Grandmother]

Matthew: Nana, it’s Matthew.

Grandmother: Who is this?

Matthew: It’s Matthew.

Grandmother: What is this for?

Matthew: For talking. It’s your grandson.

Grandmother: I can’t talk. I’m waiting for my grandson to call. Bye-bye.

[Grandmother hangs up the phone.]

Matthew: What?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh, yeah. YOu didn’t know what was happening. So, call your grandmother today.

[Cut to another grandmother] Because she woke up at four:thirty to go to the pharmacy, and she is totally free. For you.

[phone ringing] [Grandma picks up the phone] [Cut to split screen of Grandma and David]

Grandma: Hello?

David: Hi, grandma.

Grandma: Oh, David, hi. David, did you get the birthday package I sent you?

David: Um, no I did not.

Grandma: Oh, shoot. I sent it to fortysix Aderson Drive, East Rutherford, New Jersey.

David: Well, that’s not my address grandma. I don’t know whose address that is.

Grandma: Okay. Well, they might be spoiled by the time they get to you. It’s fifty pears.

David: Why?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Um! That’s a lot of pears. So call your grandma tonight. It couldn’t be easier. Watch. [Sasheer dials a number] [Cut to split screen of Sasheer and her grandmother.]

Hi grandma.

Sasheer’s grandma: Hello?

Sasheer: Hello.

Sasheer’s grandma: Do those jeans fit you baby? If they don’t fit you, you know you can ship them back to me and I could take them back.

Sasheer: They fit fine.

Sasheer’s grandma: I mean, I could go right back to KMart and get another pair if they dont–

Sasheer: They fit fine grandma. Thank you.

[Sasheer hangs up the phone.]

They don’t fit. In fact, look how bad they are.

[Cut to full body of Sasheer. The jeans have Micky and Minnie mouse printed on it.]

So call your grandmother and if you’re feeling really adventurous, why not talk to your grandfather? He is outside but he will come in just for you.

[Cut to Thomas talking to Grandpa on the phone]

Grandpa: Ay, there he is.

Thomas: Hi, Grams.

Grandpa: Hey, how’s your best friend Thomas?

Thomas: Um, he was my best friend in kindergarten grandpa.

Grandpa: I love him, Thomas. I love that kid. Does he still like trees?

Thomas: I don’t know, grandpa.

Grandpa: Ay, remember that time I walked in you two and you both had your penises out?

Thomas: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: And why not spice things up by talking at the exact same time with him for the entire rest of the phone call?

[Cut to David talking to Grandpa on the phone]

David: So, how are–

Grandpa: So, what’s new?

David: Yeah. nothing–

Grandpa: I’m fine, you?

David: I’m good grandpa. I’m jus–

Grandpa: I’m fine, how are you?

David: How’s the house–

Grandpa: Ay, did you hear about David?

David: I’m David!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: What a mess! So, this Easter, call your grandmother and your grandfather

[Cut to Grandma and Grandpa talking to David]

Grandpa: Tell David I got that shower radio.

Grandma: Your grandpa like, got a shower radio.

David: Oh, cool.

Grandpa: What did he say?

Grandma: He said that’s cool. Oh, my god. The geese are back. Hold on.

[Grandma passes the phone to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Hey, oh god. David, we gotta deal with the geese. Hold on.

[David leaves the phone hanging]

Grandma: Come on here!

Grandpa: I am here. Get off the rod.

Grandma: Go!

Grandpa: Why did these geese love these house?

David: Hello?

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: So, take a deep breath and call your grandparents today. You know the number, because it hasn’t changed your entire life.

[cheers and applause]

Home for the Holidays

Daniel… Eddie Murphy

Brian… Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Donna… Maya Rudolph

Ego Nwodim

Matthew… Mikey Day

[Starts with a family having Christmas dinner]

Daniel: Before we eat, I want to say a few words.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Make it quick, dad. I’m starving.

[other family members laughing] [Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: I will, I will. I just want to thank everyone for being here. And not just the immediate family. I’m talking about all the cousins and their kids and everybody.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That’s how it should be.

Daniel: That’s right, pop. [cut to Daniel] I know everybody is busy with their lives. Their own things they have to do but it means so much that you’re here with us in our home for the holidays.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: That goes for both of us.

[Cut to Daniel and Donna late at night arguing in their room]

Daniel: [yelling] How come your damn sister couldn’t host?

Donna: My sister’s house is a dump, Daniel.

Daniel: You know? I got to pay for all this damn food? Hell no!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: As I have always said, this house is happier when it’s full.

[Cut to Daniel knocking the door at night]

Daniel: [yelling] Get out of the bathroom!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Son, you and Donna have been such gracious hosts. [Cut to Brian and Grandpa] I just hope I haven’t been a nuisance.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night]

Grandpa: [coughing loudly] It’s so damn dry!

[Cut to Daniel and Donna not being able to sleep because of noise Grandpa is making] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Donna: What are you talking about? We love having you here.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Daniel: And of course, this is our first Christmas with our soon to be son-in-law Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew and Ego holding hands]

When you two got engaged, [Cut to Daniel] all of us were just smiling from ear to ear.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: Why cannot I marry him? Because he’s white?

Daniel: [yelling] Yes!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna: Welcome to the family, Matthew.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: You guys are being so racist.

Donna: Damn right we are. No offense Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew just sitting there]

Matthew: None taken.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna:  I’m just embarrassed we have to put you two on the air mattress.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Mom, for the last time, it’s fine.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew]

Matthew: Yeah! It’s actually super comfortable.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew not able to sleep because of uncomfortable bed]

Matthew: [yelling] This sucks!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: And then there is Brian. [Cut to Brian] Back from college. It sure is great to have my boy back home for a few weeks.

Brian: It feels good to be home, dad.

[Cut to Daniel and Brian watching TV. Daniel is using the remote.]

Daniel: I am pushing it.

Brian: That’s channel dad! Not source.

Daniel: But channel is the source.

Brian: No, no. I showed you just yesterday!

Daniel: Just get your useless black ass out of here. I know how to do it. Just go.

[Brian leaves]

Stupid ass! Son, come back in here.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Well, I just want to say as you get older, it all goes that much quicker. We should all cherish this time we all spend together as a family this Christmas. I know I will.

[Cut to Grandpa sleeping on a couch] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Thank you, pop! I could go on. But I know better than to let a meal my wife spent so much time cooking go cold.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: Oh, stop. I just threw it together.

[Cut to Donna panicking at the kitchen]

Donna: No, no, no! [beep] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Anyway, thank you all for being here. And I really mean that.

Narrating: I know it might be a little crowded —

[Cut to children screaming in front of Daniel]

Daniel: This room is off limits. Get off me!

Narrating: And we might even get on each other’s nerves a little bit.

[Cut to Brian and Donna in the kitchen]

Brian: Hey, ma! Do you have any–

Donna: [yelling] No! Whatever it is, no!

Narrating: This is going to make the memories last a lifetime.

[Cut to Ego walking in toilet. Grandpa is already there.]

Grandpa: Um, occupied!

Ego: Grandpa! Lock the door!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Christmas is about family. And I am blessed to spend it with mine. Cheers!

Everybody: Cheers!

Brian: That was beautiful, dad.

Grandpa: Well said, son.

Matthew: That was great, dad.