Tag: Maurice

70s Green Room

Maurice… Bowen Yang

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

Fliona… Regina King

Maxine… Aidy Bryant

Mickey… Kenan Thompson

Marty… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with two guys talking about the show in the studio back stage. It’s in Chicago, 1978.]

Maurice: Alright, Kenny. We have to make sure everything is perfect for Fliona show tonight. My job is the line. I have 14 strikes against me. And it’s 15 strikes system.

Kenny: Sounds complicated.

Maurice: Well, she’s very particular.

Kenny: Well, I’ve heard. Everyone has heard of Fliona.

Maurice: Shut up. Here she comes now. Go.

[Fliona walks in]

Fliona: Maurice, you have to got to get us a new tour bus driver. He tried to tell me about his family.

Maurice: I’m sorry, Fliona. That’s the last snafu of the night, I promise.

Fliona: Well good, coz I’m going to be doing all my moves tonight. The seatbelt, the funky turtle, the reach-around. So everything has got to be perfect. And dammit, I’m hungry.

Maurice: Well mama, it’s all good because I sent them your ride a weeks ago. And they got every snack on your list.

Fliona: Good. So they got my yellow M&Ms?

Maurice: No, they do not.

Fliona: What? What did they get? My Danishes?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: My big pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Little pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Shasta?

Maurice: No shasta.

Fliona: Sanka?

Maurice: No sanka.

Fliona: Cocuts?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Hot chops?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Baby carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Grown carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: What about my tuna twist?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Well, I know they got my big ham sandwich. But the ham is cue?

Maurice: Fliona, none of the food is here, Fliona.

Fliona: Well, what do they have?

Maurice: This tiny dry salad.

Fliona: Undressed? [Fliona slaps Maurice] Dammit, Maurice. I can’t have a repeat of Tucson. They forgot my shasta and my vocal cords are locked.

Maurice: I remember, Fliona. You know what? Let’s get you into hair and make up while I make this right. Maxine’s here. She’s all set up.

Maxine: Yep, I got everything on the list, Maurice sent me.

Fliona: Everything?

Maxine: Everything.

Maurice: So you got the afro-sheen?

Maxine: Don’t got it.

Maurice: Curl sticks?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Curl cream?

Maxine: Nah-ah.

Maurice: Bobby pins?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Shiny for lip?

Maxine: No way.

Maurice: Shiny for eye?

Maxine: No how.

Maurice: Shiny for cheek bone.

Maxine: Never.

Maurice: Okay, vaseline?

Maxine: Forgot.

Maurice: Aquanet?

Maxine: Forget.

Maurice: El-net?

Maxine: That’s what?

Maurice: Mascara?

Maxine: No ma’am.

Maurice: Perfume?

Maxine: I’ll give you one guess.

Fliona: Well, what did you bring, girl?

Maxine: A little brush.

Fliona: Dammit, Maxine. Slap Mourice. [Maxine slaps Fliona and runs out.] Maurice, this is feeling like Tucson all over again. And you know I wasn’t nominated for Disco Grammy this year.

Maurice: I know, Fliona. Will you feel better if you slap me again?

Fliona: Yes.

[Fliona slaps Maurice three times] [Mickey and Marty walk in. They are wearing leather jackets and are carrying guitars.]

Mickey: Ay, is this a bad time? I heard people are getting smacked in here.

Maurice: Fliona, this is Mickey and Marty. They’re the band for tonight.

Marty: It’s an honor to meet you, Ms. Fliona. We’re huge fans of your’s.

Fliona: Good. So, you must know all my songs. Right?

Mickey: Oh yeah, every one of them.

Fliona: “Disco Twilight”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Hot Band’s Child”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Nasty Christmas”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: What about “Beep Beep Hoo Hah It’s Me”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Beep Beep Ho Hey Look It’s Charice”?

Mickey: That one sounds familiar but no.

Fliona: Maurice, you are this close to strike 15.

Maurice: Well, you know what? Let’s just set up and we’ll teach the songs. Mickey, you brought the xylophone, right?

Mickey: You know I didn’t.

Maurice: Metronome?

Mickey: You know I won’t.

Maurice: Gramaphone?

Mickey: That’s an old sounding record player.

Maurice: Flute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Fute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Didgeridoo?

Mickey: What’s that?

Maurice: Flerdigurdi?

Mickey: You making fun of me?

Maurice: Theremin?

Mickey: If you get a cut on your leg, put some feramin on it.

Maurice: Kalimba?

Mickey: Who?

Maurice: Flier?

Mickey: You are.

Maurice: Maraca?

Mickey: Absolutely not.

Maurice: Just ready the drums.

Mickey: Yeah, I got those.

Maurice: Well great, where are they?

Mickey: Oh, you want them here?

Fliona: Well, what did you bring?

Marty: We brought bass and two amps.

Fliona: Dammit Maurice. [Mickey punches Maurice] Thank you, baby.

Mickey: No problem.

Maurice: Wait! You know what, Fliona? You don’t need all this stuff. Everything you need is inside of you. Baby, you’ve got it.

Fliona: You mean I’ve got talent?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Style?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Pretty arms?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: And then ass higher than Mount Kilimanjaro?

Maurice: Oh, yes.

Fliona: Okay, boys. Then let’s disco do this gig.

Kenny: Fliona, baby. You gotta go out there and do you thing. Anyone who’s anyone is in the crowd tonight.

Fliona: Who? Lil’ Jimmy?

Kenny: Yeah, Jimmy’s here.

Fliona: Really? What about Cletus Jones?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: John Wayne Brady?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Mrs. Perkins?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Pastor Chris?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Rabbi Shmooly?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Fliona?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: See? That’s me. I tricked you.

Kenny: Oh!

Maurice | Season 44 Episode 8

Son… Chris Redd

Margaret… Leslie Jones

Maurice… Kenan Thompson

Daughter… Ego Nwodim

Christine… Halsey

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a family having dinner at an expensive restaurant]

Son: Dad, thanks for taking us out to dinner. But this looks a little expensive.

Margaret: Yes, Maurice. This is too much. [Cut to Margaret and Maurice] You just got laid off.

Maurice: Well, I’m resourceful Margaret. I’m not worried about that. I’ve been freelancing.

[Cut to Daughter, Christine and Son]

Daughter: A freelance mailman?

Alex Moffat: Hey, I was at the bar and I just wanted to say [Cut to Maurice, Margaret and Alex] I’m a really big fan.

Maurice: Well, that is very sweet.

Alex Moffat: Thanks for keeping us guessing.

Maurice: You’re welcome. I like to keep it fresh. [Alex leaves]

Margaret: Maurice. Where does that man know you from?

Maurice: Well, from my new side gig, I got a cam fans only account.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: Cam fans only? Sir, I don’t think you are thinking of the right thing.

Son: Yeah, dad. That’s like an amateur porn subscription site.

Christine: Sir, cam fans only is for thirsty gays who spread their butt cheeks online for like 10 bucks a month.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Yeah, that’s the one. You guys, get this garlic bread away from me. You know how I get.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Son: Hold on! Dad, you’re saying that you shake your booty for a bunch of dudes online?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well no, I don’t shake. I present. Yeah. That site makes me feel beautiful and in control of my body.

Margaret: Maurice, you show your ass just for just $10 a month?

Maurice: Well, I got 10,000 plus subscribers Margaret, and they each pay $10.

Margaret: $10,000? [Cut to everybody][Margaret starts to calculate] Wait a minute, let me see how much it is. That’s 10 plus. No, 10 times—[Margaret is shocked by the result] ooh! You kids need to be more supportive of your daddy’s small business.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: You don’t care that your Maurice is exposing himself for money?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice. Kyle Mooney walks to Maurice.]

Kyle Mooney: Hey. I loved how you sat on that cake real slow. But then edit it so it looked even slower.

Maurice: Thank you, very much, but I am having dinner with my family. So we would like little privacy.

Margaret: But we appreciate your subscription. Tell your friends.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: Okay, hold on. What’s your user name on this thing. Like, hungry bottom? Thirsty bottom? Maybe daddy bubble butt?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: It’s Maurice Abraham Henderson.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Where do you even do this?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Mostly on the kitchen counter.

Margaret: Wait a minute, Maurice. We just got new counters.

Maurice: Well that’s why I put down a towel.

Margaret: Which one? Which towel Maurice?

Maurice: The red one.

Margaret: Oh, Maurice. That’s my good dish towel. I’ve been drying my dishes with your ass towel?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: I think the sanitary thing to do would be to get him a show towel.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well, that would mean the world to me.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Dad, I have friends that were models and got on that website and ended up being escorts.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Oh, but did they make more money that way, though?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: You know what, I was quick to judge Mr. Henderson, but you’re growing. You deserve your own towel.

Daughter: No, no. Shh. Hold on with that, okay. My brain is scrambled right now. I’m trying to wrap my mind around how the dad who raised me, the daddest dad of them all, is on his knees on the kitchen counter over a towel, not shaking his butt, no, no, no, but slow descending it into a cake.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Well, I’m having a viral moment. Why can’t you be happy for me?

[Cut to Son]

Son: It’s just a whole lot, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: I could be on Ellen.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Ellen don’t do nasty, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Are we forgetting that there was a cake involved. It’s not nasty, it’s beautiful.

[Cut to Christine checking her phone]

Christine: Mr. Henderson. You are on the home page. [Cut to everybody] You are the featured performer.

Maurice: Oh my god.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Baby, we did it. Next stop Ellen.

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: I will make the cake. What flavor do you want to sit on?

Maurice: Red-velvet.