Bug Assembly

Carter… Kenan Thompson

Maya… Heidi Gardner

Kev… Andrew Dismukes

Daisy… Sarah Sherman

Johnny… Rami Malek

Russel… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Carter and Maya at the podium during the school assembly]

Carter: Okay, hello everyone. I am Principle Carter. It’s a big day here at Weymouth Middle School, the bug assembly. Mrs. Maya’s class will present their bugs to their entire student body.

Maya: And they are excited. Sort of like, Burning Man for the weird kids.

Carter: So, without further due, bugs.

[There are four students wearing bugs costumes at the stage]

Kev: I’m a preying mantis, but not religious. I prey on pests in the garden.

Daisy: I’m a ladybug. I have up to 20 spots and that’s a lot!

Johnny: I’m a stinkbug. My nasty odor protects me from predators.

Russel: And I am daddy long legs. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.] [cheers and applause]

Carter: Great! Well, your costumes all look terrific. Looking forward to learning more.

Maya: Let’s hear about your diets.

Johnny: I eat weeds and grasses but not the kind you’re thinking. Don’t get me in trouble.

Daisy: I eat bugs and in my life, I can eat up to 5,000, and that’s a lot.

Russel: And what does daddy long legs eat? Boys, boys, boys. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

Carter: Okay. Russel…

Russel: Call me daddy.

Carter: Okay, daddy, I appreciate the creativity but I’d love to know some more about your insect.

Russel: Well, it’s all in the name. I’m a father and my legs go on for weeks.

Maya: Okay, and daddy–
Russel: I don’t want that from you.

Maya: Okay, Russel, can you say any science facts about yourself?

Russel: Sure. I’m hot, I party and I walk into the room and I’m respected. No more questions. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

Maya: Okay. Russel, you looked like you were about to do a death drop but then you stopped.

Russel: I got scared. I’ve only done it once. I didn’t want my ass to split open in front of the judges.

Maya: There are no judges.

Carter: Yeah. [asking Maya] What is this kid’s deal?

Maya: Well, his dad’s an exect at Bravo. His other dad’s republican. And honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever heard him speak.

Carter: Got it. Got it.

Johnny: I gotta say, this feels kind of unfair. He’s named after his legs and I’m named after stink.

Kev: Honestly, Johnny, out of all the seventh grade boys, you smell really good.

Johnny: Thanks Kev.

Daisy: Also, I could have sworn Russel was assigned cockroach.

Russel: It wasn’t a fit.

Maya: Okay guys, let’s stay on track. Do you bugs have any questions for each other?

Kev: I do. How does the daddy long legs trap its prey?

Russel: I slam my credit card and say, “Daddy’s got it.”

Daisy: Well, why isn’t there mommy long legs?

Russel: [yelling] Shut the hell up. Get her out of here now. I’m going to freak out.

Maya: Okay. Daisy, take a time out.

Russel: I’m gonna scare you in the shower later bitch.

Carter: Alright. Let’s just relax and move on. One of the cool things about today is that we can see how different bugs interact. Since you’re such an artistic bunch, let’s see how daddy long legs and stinkbug might exist in nature. And go.

Johnny: Hi, Mr. Long legs. I’m a stinkbug.

Russel: It’s been a while. [sad music playing] You look worse. Who let you in?

Johnny: What?

Russel: No stinkbug. I miss you. I want your stink back in my life. Let’s get remarried.

Carter: Alright! That is enough! Sorry. I guess we let that go on too far. Kind of got lost in it. I mean, the scene was pretty damn good.

Johnny: You know, Russel isn’t the only one here who can do cool stuff, okay? I can too. I have charisma. [stares awkwardly for a moment] Well, my name is stinky and I’m here to say I emit odor in a stinky way. [does the dab]

Russel: Johnny, that was amazing. I don’t know if you know this, but my dad’s an executive at Bravo. We’re getting you a show.

Johnny: Wow, Russel. Really? That’s amazing.

Russel: Yes. And we have to celebrate. All of us, tonight. Book the school bus coz we’re going out. And remember, daddy’s got it!

[Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

Maya Rudolph Monologue

Maya Rudolph

Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Lauren Holt

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Maya.

[Maya walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Maya: Thank you. Thank you so much. It makes me so happy to be here in the place that I love. I can’t tell you. Specially after a year that has been, shall we say, a real kick in the clam. But it feels like we’re starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. You know? People are getting the vaccine. My parents got their’s. I’m really happy to report that. It’s spring, so, goodbye sweater weather, and hello leather weather? Some of you may know me because, well, I used to work here. And some of you may know me by the name Mommy, because I gave birth to you. I have four incredible kids and they’re all here tonight. Don’t make me cry. And just a heads up to my kids, tonight mommy’s gonna put on a lot of wigs, okay? And do a lot of weird voices, so it’s just gonna be like a typical day at home. I’ll just be wearing a bra. My kids are actually really huge fans of the show and having them here in the place where I grew up is so special. And it has me thinking about the new kids in the cast are starting out. And I feel like it’s my duty as an elder to impart to them the lessons I’ve learned on the stage. So, can I get the new cast out here? Send them out.

[Andrew, Punkie and Lauren walk to the stage]

Lauren: Hi, Maya. We’re so excited to have you here.

Maya: I know you are, baby. Come close. Mama won’t bite. Band, can you play some music to talk to babies too? [lullaby music playing] Let me tell you something. I am a big fan of all of you. You people are so talented, so unique. And I remember all your names. [pointing at Andrew] Chirpie, [pointing at Punkie] Little Deedee and [pointing at Lauren] Chalisto Vagina.

Lauren: Well, that’s not my name.

Maya: Please don’t talk. Now, I started on this show back in the year 2000. How old were you on the year 2000, Chirpie?

Andrew: Five.

Maya: You know what? Get him out of here. Get the hell out. [securities take Andrew away from the stage] So much better without Chirpie, isn’t it, girls?

Lauren: I guess.

Punkie: Absolutely.

Maya: Now, back in my day, things were a lot different. Let me see if I can remember. It was so long ago and my brain is a little foggy. Because I’ve been electrocuted one too many times.

Punkie: What?

Maya: Yes, my toaster keeps falling into the bath. What can I say? I like hot baths and I like hot toast. Let me tell you about the cast back then. See, I was the shy one. I was so nervous, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. Oh, but Rachel Dratch, she was the princess. She was so perfect with the red hair and all the freckles. But she just did “16 candles”, so she had a lot of heat.

Lauren: She did?

Maya: Zip it. Now, Jimmy. Oh, Jimmy was the bad boy. Always strutting around in his jean jacket and his fingerless leather gloves. He was 100% trouble and 100% hot stuff. And the jock? Oh, he was none other than Mr. Emilio Estevez.

Punkie: Um, are you talking about the breakfast club?

Maya: Quiet! Now, Lorne. Hah, Lorne. He was the principle and he made us coming on Saturdays as punishment. He always said, “Don’t mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns. And I’d get so nervous, I’d just shake may hair and make my dandruff fall over my papers. You know, like, snow.

Lauren: Okay. That’s Allie Sheedy.

Maya: Oh! Oh, Calista. I hope you’re funny because you’re very stupid. The point is, we became family. Then right at the end, Jimmy punched his fist in the air and everything froze. And hundreds of names just scrolled all over his face. [singing] La-la-la-la-la. Then he did bride-maids. Some of the details are a little hazy. The point is no matter how tough things get, you kids are gonna be alright. We’re all gonna be alright.

All: Yeah!

[singing]

la-la-la
la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la

Maya: We’ve got a great show. Jack Harlow is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.