Workout Class

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Megan Thee Stallion

Keely… Heidi Gardner

Kelly K… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Ego entering a gym. There are other people working out in there.]

Ego: Hey, excuse me. Is this Butt Day at Studio Thick Thighs and Nasty Romp?

Bowen: If it’s 9AM on a Thursday, then yeah.

Ego: Well, it’s 10 on Saturday.

Bowen: Oh. We know it’s asked and you’ll love the teacher. Everyone calls her Sargent Cake.

Ego: Oh, great. Because I’m getting married in a month and I’m trying to drag a wagon down the aisle.

Megan: Attention. For those of you who want to get that booty booty booty booty rocking everywhere, you came to the right place.  We want to get those booties ready for Halloween. Whether you’re dressing up as a sexy witch with a fat ass or a first responder with a fat ass.. Or even Jeffrey Dahmer with a— You know what I’m about to say.

All: Fat ass.

Megan: Alright. Time to sweat. Now, let’s start off in a squat and pump and pump. Now remember, with big ass comes big responsibility. If you need a modified version, turn your eyes to Keely and Kelly K.

Keely: That’s right. Any of you looking to not get a butt today, look our way. I’m Keely and that’s Kelly K. And we don’t have butts.

Kelly K: That’s right. We go from back to leg.

Keely: Y’all ever drive from Kansas to Iowa? That’s our ass.

Ego: Oh my God. They literally have no buts.

Bowen: Yeah, it’s like actually spooky.

Megan: Hey, not everybody has been butt blessed. So if you wanna go over and see Keely and Kelly K, I won’t be offended.

Ego: No. I truly want my wedding dress seems to be splitting.

Megan: Okay, well, now I’m about to end this class before we go to bed and sit on your ass. Now drop low. Drop it low. Drop it low.

Keely: And once again for my flat butt army, drop it high. Drop it high. Drop it high.

Megan: Big booty hoes, wiggle with that, wiggle with that.

Kelly K: Tiny booty hoes, get little with it, get little with it. Little, little, little, little. Sag the ass, release the tension. Sag the ass, release the tension.

Sarah: Sag the ass? I’m paying $40 to sag the ass?

Bowen: What is that even accomplishing?

Megan: Alright. For you big bum bitches, it’s time to get those wastes out. And I don’t want to see you grabbing quarter pounders. I want to see you slanging 10 pounders.

Keely: Every pancake nation, grab your weights which are your own thumbs and drop it low, drop it low. Get sexy with it. Drop it low.

Megan: Alright, my apple bottoms, grab your knees and work it. Grab your knees and working.

Kelly K: And for my weak little girlies, grab your partner and punch them in the butt. She’s your best friend, so smash that ass down.

Ego: That can’t be a real exercise.

Bowen: Yeah, I’m really regretting purchasing this a year in advance.

Megan: Alright. It seems like some of y’all getting tempted to leave me for tortilla booty worldwide over there. I mean, look how cure those little panini girls are.

Kelly K: Attention. Ham slice legion, light it up.

Keely: Oh, oh, light it up. That’s right my baby bootays. If you feel our micro cheeks bump bump your back, you’re in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang.

Sarah: Stop. You guys are like, wiping your asses on us dead real.

Ego: Ah-ah-ah, don’t even think about it. I’ll sue your flat ass.

Megan: Come on, y’all. Be nice. Keely and Kelly K are my friends. They took my class for six years.

Ego: Then you should give them their money back.

Keely: Wow. And the body shaming continues. But you’re right. We have ugly flat butts. Sorry we’re not Kardas-skins (Kardashians).

Kelly K: Our backsides are basically paper plates. We weren’t gifted with the genetics of Iggy Amellia (Iggy Azelea).

Keely: Maybe we should just leave.

Megan: No. Your depleted whoopy cushions aren’t going anywhere. In fact, I’m going to let you lead the class and erase all these asses.

Keely and Kelly K: Thanks Sargent Cake.

Kelly K: Hit our music

Keely: And if you think this is a Pirates of the Caribbean music, you’re totally right. Now…

We Got Brought

Phil… Bowen Yang

Heather… Ego Nwodim

Megan Thee Stallion

[Music video starts] [music playing]

Phil: [rapping] My friend is going out and I’m tagging along

She’s gonna see some pals she hasn’t seen in so long

Heather: [rapping] It’s my boyfriend’s friend’s birthday and I was free

Will I know people there? He said…

Heather’s boyfriend: You’ll know me.

Megan: My sister’s meeting friends. She said…

Megan’s Sister: You’ll love ’em, I think.

Megan: I said, “I don’t love strangers, but I do like to drink.”

Alexis: Everybody, this is Phil

Phil: Hey, I’m friends with Alexis

Megan’s sister: Guys, this is my sister

Megan: I flew in from Texas

Heather’s boyfriend: And I finally brought my girlfriend

Heather: That’s me, I’m Heather Where did you three meet?

Alexis, Heather’s boyfriend and Megan’s sister: We grew up together!

Phil: Aw, they leave us at the table and they go do a shot

Heather: They ask if we’ll save their seats

Megan: We say, “Sure, why not?”

Phil: But now we’re three strangers that our friends forgot

Megan: Oh-oh

Heather: Uh-oh

Phil: Uh-oh


We got brought
And we don’t know each other
We got brought
So we all have to suffer

We’re all plus-ones just nodding a lot
And we all wanna leave, but it’s only 8 o’clock
We got brought

Megan: It’s hell on earth, but we try to push through
I ask, “Where y’all from?”

Heather: And I ask, “What do you do?”

Phil: And I couldn’t think of a single other question
So I also asked, “Where y’all from?”

Heather: We already covered that.

Phil: Does anyone have another question?

Megan: Okay, so what’s y’all’s trauma?

I make my escape and say I’m going to the bathroom
But this crazy bitch says…

Heather: Oh, I’ll go with you.

Megan: No, you won’t!

Phil: Is she leaving? Nice meeting you.

Now we’re waiting at the bar and no one’s coming by
And if there’s one second of silence then we’ll both die
So I reach into the depths of what I know
And I say, “Did you know there’s only been 25 deaths
at DIsneyland since 1955?”
And she says…

Heather: Only?

Phil: I say, “Never mind.”

I ask, “What neighborhood is your apartment in?”
She says…

Heather: Brooklyn.

Phil: And I say, “Oh, whereabouts in Brooklyn?”
And without skipping a beat she says…

Heather: Oh, the safe part.

Phil: Which was shocking, so I panicked,

and all I could say was…

“Oh good, I love the safe part.”

Heather: Wait, no. I said the south part.

Phil: No!

We got brought!

Megan: Your mutual ones are gone! Your mutual ones are missing!
You’re wandering in a dance club while your friends are reminiscing.

Phil: Where are our friends? Where have they gone?
Why would they bring us here and leave us so long?

Megan: You’re all out of topics and the conversation’s lazy
So you just keep on saying, “That’s crazy.”

That’s crazy

Oh really? That’s crazy
So crazy. That’s crazy
No way, that’s crazy
Wow! Crazy!

Phil: That’s crazy

Heather: So crazy

Phil: Well, it’s nice to meet you. It’s getting late.

Heather: It’s 8:05.

Phil: [screaming] I don’t want to be here anymore!

Heather, Phil and Megan: We got brought!

Hot Girl Hospital

Megan Thee Stallion

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Punkie Johnson

Marcello Hernandez

James Austin Johnson

Charlie… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro clips]

Male voice: This fall, a new medical drama for our times, it’s Hot Girl Hospital.

[Nurse pushes Heidi into the hospital on a hospital bed]

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m right here. You are in good hands.

Doctor:  What’s her status?

Nurse: 46, Female, mad as hell. She ain’t given what a game.

Doctor: Oh my god. And the fit?

Nurse: Trash.

Doctor: I need a BBM stat. 6 cc’s of Tommy T and whatever fashion nova we got.

Heidi: What’s a BBL? Just let my basic ass die.

Nurse: No, ma’am. You’re gonna be a bad bitch real soon.

Male voice: From Shonda Rhimes, and the top commenters on the shade room.s Instagram, it’s Hot Girl Hospital. The story of three everyday heroes blowing up their community, one dusty chick at a time.

Punkie: Oh girl, I gotta work on double tonight.

Nurse: Girl, I know. and I got a Weebo plasty followed by emergency twerk exam? This job, I swear to god.

Doctor: Hold up. Who that?

[4 and 5 are panicking]

Marcello: My friend, my friend. He’s been in an accident.

James: I don’t wanna die.

Nurse: Uh-uh.

Heidi: He is bleeding.

Nurse: We don’t do all that here. Leave.

Punkie: You can go, sir.

Male voice: When life is on the line, these are the three women who will answer the call, say something rude, then hang up.

Charlie: Hey, I’m Charlie, New York Presbyterian cardiology.

Nurse: Okay. But we don’t do that here. We do wigs, butts and clothes. If you want something else, you’re more than welcome to look around.

Charlie: Okay, so what kind of hospital is this then?

Nurse: Okay, so boom. Draymond Green got in trouble for punching his teammate, right? And NBA had made him do community service. So basically, he flew out a bunch of IG baddies, and put up in a building with some wheelchairs, he called it a hospital.

Doctor and Punkie: Thank you, Draymond.

Male voice: The New York Times calls it somehow empowering and regressive at the same time. And Variety says, I don’t feel comfortable reviewing this as a white guy. Five stars.

Chloe: I need to speak to Dr. Simmons. It’s an emergency.

Punkie: I ain’t talking to know Dr. Simmons right now because she fake.

Chloe: What? Can I just see a doctor please?

Punkie: I mean, you can see her. But I’m not going to get her. Nurse, where’s Janelle?

[Nurse is taking pictures of her butt]

Nurse: Huh? I ain’t talking to her. She fake. She got a little white coat, she thinks she’s better than everybody.

Chloe: Okay. Can you just page her place?

Nurse: Imagine. Imagine me saying page in Dr. Simmons. Couldn’t be me.

Punkie: Couldn’t be me.

Male voice: All of the drama. None of the appropriate response because at the Hot Girl Hospital, help ain’t on the way.

Devon: Please help. My wife’s water broke.

[Sarah screaming]

Punkie: Oh no. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Devon, is that you, Devon?

Doctor: Hold up. Hold up. Devon who be in our DMs every day?

Devon: Oh snap. What’s up?

Sarah: Do you know them?

Devon: No, baby. I’ve never seen them before in my life.

Nurse: You think you sleek? Coming in here with your white white? Talking about her water broke.

Doctor: Boy, get your lying ass on.

Nurse: Good luck to their baby. Her daddy went Aubert’s.

Male voice: And on a very special season finale.

Michael: Where’s my wife? Is she okay?

Punkie: Oh, she wasn’t okay, baby. She bad. Girl, come on out, girl.

[Heidi walks out with make up on, long hair, wearing pink revealing dress.]

Heidi: It’s giving. Thank you.

Nurse: Yeah!

Doctor: I’m proud, bitch.

Punkie: You better work it, bitch.

Male voice: Hot Girl Hospital, coming this hot girl fall.

Nurse, Doctor and Punkie: Thank you, Draymond.

Girl Talk

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Monique… Ego Nwodim

Stacy… Megan Thee Stallion

Kim… Punkie Johnson

Paul… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Willie introducing the show]

Willie: Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show where the tea is hot and the bras are off. It’s time for Girl Talk.

[Monique walks in to the show set]

Monique: Hello. I’m your host Monique Money Monique Problems. And this is girl talk. The talk show where ladies tell me their problems and I keep my advice real simple. I’m like a wise old grandma except I still look good. Ha-ha-ha. Y’all want to know my measurements? Nah, not, maybe. And as always, we got Willie in the DJ booth. How you doing DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh man, I love life. I got two girlfriends. They know about each other and they both cool with it. I’m strong and I’m happy.

Monique: Okay, good for you. DJ Willie. Thank you.

Willie: Ay, thank you.

Monique: All right, let’s get started with our first guest. Please welcome Stacey.

[Stacy walks in]

Hi. How are you doing?

Stacy: Hi, Monique.

Monique: Hi Stacey. So talk to me. What’s going on with you?

Stacy: Okay, well, here’s my problem. My boyfriend of four years just asked me to move in with him. But I’ve recently caught him cheating. What should I do?

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: You’re right. When you put it like that, I need save my coins and break up his ass.

Monique: Um-hmm. There she is y’all. Come on, give it up for Stacey. I saved another life today, y’all. Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our next guest. Please welcome Kim.

[Kim walks in]

Kim: Nice to meet you.

Monique: Okay, hi Kim. What’s going on with you?

Kim: Oh my god, it’s just everything that’s going on with the world is stressing me out. My anxiety is through the roof.

Monique: Umm. You know, this sounds like it’s about to be complex. So why don’t we get our subtitles off for any white people or men tuning in. Go ahead Kim.

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Don’t get me started.]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Pop off!]

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: First off…] Girl… [Subtitle reads: What’s going on with the situation in Ukraine?]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads:I know: How did it come to this?]

Stacey: Girl… [Subtitle reads: I’m not an expert, but…] Girl la… Girl… [Subtitle reads a long paragraph of over Stacy00 words]

Kim: Girl!

Monique: Okay, good boss. Stacy knows her stuff. Does she knows stuff or what? I will be honest, that just got a little too real for me. So why don’t you pick us back up DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh, man. I love my life. You know? My clothes are awesome. I got a cool car. I wake up laughing every morning. Because my life is better than my dreams.

Monique: Alright. Thank you DJ Willie.

Willie: Man, thank you!

Monique: Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our final guests. Paul, come on out.

[Paul walks in]

So Paul, what’s up? Why are you here?

Paul: Well, I thought anyone could come on.

Monique: They can.

Paul: Okay, so my issue is this. I’ve got a great job, but I’m worried if I don’t quit now. I’ll never pursue my real passion drawing. What should I do?

Monique:  Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Okay, so quit my job?

Monique: Okay, you know what? You’re not getting it. Stacy, you’re the one with the boyfriend, right? So why don’t you help us out? Yeah.

Stacey: I got this. Bro…

Paul: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I should quit drawing because I’m not really good at it.

Monique: Um-hmm. There we go. Boom. Third life saved, y’all.

Paul: Wow. And you’re the best. So I guess instead of saying thank you, I’ll take a page out of your book and say girl!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Monique: No, you’re not doing that. No way.

Stacey: You know where to go.

Monique: Alright, that’s our show. Play my song DJ Willie


Mr. Reynolds… Kenan Thompson

Megan Thee Stallion

Molly Kearney

Devon Walker

James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Mr. Reynolds visiting his daughter’s country house. There’s Megan, Devon and their friends.]

Mr. Reynolds: My goodness, my goodness. I can’t believe my daughter lives in this beautiful house.

Molly: It really is so cozy.

Megan: Thanks everybody. I know it’s remote, but we love it.

Devon: And the schools are great, you know, if you decide to have kids one day.

Mr. Reynolds: One day? You need them now.

Megan: Dad Stop.

Mr. Reynolds: Well, I will not stop. I will never stop on that.

James: Well you guys, look out the window. There’s a deer in your woods.

Megan: Oh really? A deer? Where is it?

James: It’s right there by that pine tree.

[everybody goes to the window to have a look]

Molly: Oh, right. Cute.

Mr. Reynolds: Where is it? I don’t see it.

Devon:  It’s right by the pine tree, dad, look.

Megan: Awww. He a big one. Or is it a girl deer because it don’t have horns.

Mr. Reynolds: Where’s this deer you’re talking about?

Molly: It’s by the pine tree, Mr. Reynolds.

Mr. Reynolds: I know what it’s by. But where’s that?

Megan: It’s right there, dad. Do you see the two rocks?

Mr. Reynolds: I thought I was looking for a deer. Now I got to find rocks.

Molly: There’s two big round rocks, Mr. Reynolds.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay. Don’t yell at me. Just show me where the deer is that.

Megan: Do you see where I’m pointing?

Mr. Reynolds: Yes. At rocks.

Megan: Dad, bring your eyes by my hand and follow the arc of the point.

Mr. Reynolds: You know what? Nevermind. I don’t need to see it.

Megan: Dad just follow the arc of my point with your eyes to the deer.

Mr. Reynolds: I said it’s okay. I don’t really care.

Megan: But it’s right there. Just make your eyes go in line with the angle of my point.

Mr. Reynolds: [yelling] I said forget it. I don’t need to see no deer. Deers are boring anyway.

James: Oh my god. There’s a bunny riding on the back of the deer.

Mr. Reynolds: Oh now what? Where’s that happening now?

[There’s really a bunny on a deer’s back]

Devon: Aww, and the bunny has a tail.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay, and if I wanted to see that, where exactly would I look?

Devon: It’s walking straight towards us. See? Look.

Megan: Dad. Imagine a laser coming from my finger.

Mr. Reynolds: What?

Megan: Do you see the third clouds on the side of the sky?

Mr. Reynolds: The side of the sky?

James: It’s right there at 12 o’clock.

Mr. Reynolds: Was that east coast time or the west coast time?

Molly: There’s no difference.

Mr. Reynolds: Oh, just shut up.

Devon: The deers right there. You have to see it.

Mr. Reynolds:  Yeah, but I don’t and I don’t want to. Shoot. I think you’re making all this up.

Megan: Alright, daddy. It’s okay. Let’s just talk about something else.

James: Yeah, it’s not that great of a deer anyway.

Molly: Oh my god, it’s at the window, Mr. Reynolds. Look.

[It’s jus behind Mr. Reynolds, peeking in through the window.]

Mr. Reynolds: I will not. I have lost all interest in the deer.

Megan: But it’s right there waving at us.

[The deer is actually waving at them]

Mr. Reynolds: I don’t care is doing the Macarena.

James: For the love of God, just turn around and you’ll see it.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay fine. But it better be there.

[as Mr. Reynolds turns around, the deer ducks and hides]

You know, I’m gonna burn this whole house down.

Molly: It was right there. It just ducked down somewhere.

Mr. Reynolds: Yeah, y’all messing with me. Just like when you pulled my pants down at the Yankee game.

Devon: I didn’t pull your pants down. They were loose, they fell on their own.

Mr. Reynolds: Yeah, whatever. everybody always messing with me.

James: Oh my god.

[Megan looks around and jumps away being scared.]

Megan: Oh my god, daddy. The deer’s in the house.

[The deer is just behind the couch that Mr. Reynolds’s sitting on]

Mr. Reynolds: I don’t want to hear about no deer.

James: It’s right behind you.

Mr. Reynolds: Hue? Who is Hue?

Megan: Not Hue. You.

Mr. Reynolds: Will ya’ll please stop messing with me?

Molly: Mr. Reynolds, it’s got a knife.

Mr. Reynolds: What? [Mr. Reynolds looks around. The deer is really holding a knife. Mr. Reynolds being shocked, punches the deer down.]

Megan: Oh my god, daddy, you saved us.

Mr. Reynolds: That’s right. Pack your bags, girl. You move in back to the city. Out here fooling with these deers.

[sad music playing]

Megan: No. No, daddy. We love it out here. I know you worry about me but I promise we’re gonna be okay.

Mr. Reynolds: Well, you know I do worry. Maybe you right? Maybe my baby girl…

Molly: Oh my god. Mr. Reynolds, the deer is pulling down your pants.

Mr. Reynolds: Hey, get off my pants, you porno deer. What’s wrong with you? Everybody messing with me.


Ego Nwodim

Amy… Megan Thee Stallion

Devon Walker

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with students playing music and dancing in the classroom at school.] [The teacher walks in and throws her bag on the table]

Ego: Turn that music off and sit in your seats. My name is Ms. Fink. And I will be your substitute tecaher today. Now, I don’t know what your regular teacher does during this class, but I am here to instruct and you are here to learn. And there is one more thing you should know. I believe in you. Now, I don’t care what you’ve been told your whole lives. You are not dumb. You are not a lost cause. Maybe everyone in your live thinks it’s high school, then the streets, then prison. But not me. When I look at this room, I don’t see thugs. I don’t see dummies. I see a group of young people whose is only fault was being born the wrong color in this country. So yes, you may be dumb today, but what you are tomorrow starts right here in this classroom. Am I understood.

Devon: Yes.

Amy: Yes.

Punkie: Okay.

Ego: ow, don’t be embarrassed. How many of you can read?

Punkie: All of us.

Amy: Miss, this is an honors level physics class.

Ego: This class is that?

Devon: Yeah. Every class at this school is honors level.

Amy: This is a STEM school.

Ego: Okay.

Amy: We all had to take a college level test to get in here.

Ego: Okay.

Devon: Did the principle not tell you?

Ego: Not.

Punkie: And wait, who is calling us dumb?

Ego: [singing] Nobody.

Amy: But when you came into the class, you gave that long speech and you said people were saying we were dumb. Who said that?

Ego: Okay.

Devon: And who said we were born the wrong color? What was that about?

Amy: Yeah. That sounded racist as hell.

Ego: It does now, yes. What kind of school did you say this was again?

Punkie: It’s a STEM school, miss.

Devon: Stands for Science, Technology, Engineering and Math.

Ego: Um, all subjects I know very well. S-T-E-M. But I’d like to say it stands for Students Together Achieving Much.

Amy: But miss, the word ‘Achieve’ starts with an A.

Ego: Exactly. Did we all hear that? Let’s all try to be more like Laquan Tisha.

Amy: My name is Amy.

Ego: Quiet unless called on. Now, let’s begin the lesson. Where did we leave off in the text?

Amy: Chapter 237, particle behavior and wave mechanics.

Ego: Big old book. I will read. A photon can behave both as a wave and a particle. This… da… hmm.

Punkie: Miss, it’s ‘duality’.

Ego: Now, one more time for me, baby?

Devon: It’s ‘duality’.

Ego: Detention. And that concludes the reading. Students, here’s some truth for you. Sometimes the teachers are the ones who are dumb. And sometimes they take a job not realizing it’s at a STAM school.

Punkie: It’s a STEM. With an E.

Ego: Detention. And sometimes, that makes them say and do racist. But you can’t hold them against them. Because some of these teachers did not go to college.

Amy: But miss, I thought you had to go to college to be a teacher.

Ego: Detention. The point is I believe in you. And that is why I should still get paid today. Class dismissed.

Amy: But the bell didn’t ring.

[Ego breaks the fire alarm]

Ego: Believe in yourself. [Ego is trying to run away, but she can’t open the door.] What the hell is wrong with this damn door?

Devon: Miss, the door opens in. You got to pull in.

Ego: Detention!