National School Walkout

Mr. H… Kenan Thompson

Gerald… John Mulaney

Meghan… Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Lance… Alex Moffat

Principal Anderson… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mr. H talking to a class.]

Mr. H: Alright, class. I know you’re all participating in today’s walkout. I just wanna say, I support you.

Gerald: Thanks, Mr. H. We’re gonna join millions of students who are standing up for what’s right.

Meghan: Gerald, it’s been so cool organizing our school’s protest with you.

Gerald: Yeah. I had a great time with you too, Meghan.

Meghan: Yeah. I think we make a great team.

[Meghan rub’s Gerald’s shoulder.]

Gerald: Oh, no. Don’t make the eye contact and rub the shoulder at once. Okay. [looks down at his pants. He gets a boner.] It’s happening.

Kyle: It’s 12 o’clock. Everybody stand up.

[Everyone stands up.]

Gerald: No, wait. Maybe we shouldn’t stand up right now.

Heidi: You don’t wanna stand up against gun violence?

Gerald: Not at this specific moment. When I’m wearing my shorts.

Meghan: Gerald, what’s wrong? We had a plan [everyone takes seat] Let’s do just like you said. Let’s stand tall and walk out leading with our pelvis.

Gerald: I hate that I was so specific. Okay, new idea. Instead of doing a walkout, how about we do a lie down?

Luke: A lie down? How does that work?

Gerald: Well, to protest, we all face down on the floor and then we writhe around a little until it’s gone.

Mr. H: Kids, I don’t know what ‘s going on with Gerald, but I thought the room would be empty by now. And I timed my e-cig break for the walkout. So, walk out.

[Gerald looks at his pants again]

Gerald: Wait, I think my problem’s going away.

Luke: That’s great man!

[Luke taps on Gerald’s shoulder]

Gerald: And it’s back. And I learned something about myself.

Aidy: I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on with Gerald.

Gerald: Oh, on. What have you got? Like, a side view or something?

Aidy: Gerald thinks that the media has been giving all the coverage to white schools.

Gerald: Oh, yes. I like this. Yes.

Aidy: Ignoring the people of color who face violence at higher incidents.

Gerald: Yes, they do face that. Keep talking. This is good. This is good.

Aidy: Great! Then, Gerald, you lead this dialog on race. Stand up without holding books or jackets in front of you and you march straight down to Thurgood Marshall Public High and you say, “Fellas, I know this thing is hard and upsetting and it’s pretty darn crooked, but if we roll up our sleeves, we can beat it together.”

Gerald: [shaking his head] I’m gonna pass.

Kate: Listen, friends. I know I’m just a foreign exchange student but Sweden, we have no guns, no shootings and no sunlight. We sit year around in total darkness eating fish that is rotten on purpose. So, America should just become like Sweden. And ice covered nation of 1,200 people and one giant.

Meghan: Anyway, come on, guys. If we don’t band together, what’s next? Training teachers to use firearms?

Mr. H: Okay. I’ll get right on that. In addition to teaching history, gym and then driving you all home on the bus, I’m spread so thin, I’ve had to teach myself to micro nap. [Mr. H takes a micro nap, snoring, wakes up in few seconds.] Seat belts!

[Heidi stands]

Heidi: [acting very furious] Isn’t anyone worried that this walkout could go us in trouble? This could go on my permanent record.  I won’t get into an Ivy League school. My mother will disown me because I’m not my perfect sister who died. [smiling and talking calmly] And that’s the monologue I’m using to audition for the theater program at Connecticut College in New London.

[Everybody clapping]

Gerald: Look, guys, I support the walkout. Just not today.

Pete: Yeah, I gotta agree. Nobody told me this was happening in 4-20. And frankly, I’m double booked.

Lance: I know why Gerald’s sitting. Coz he’s not a snowflake.

Gerald: Oh, no, Lance.

Lance: Yes, Lance. Equal time. I’ll never forget the first time my old man took me hunting. I was such a baby. I wanted to stay home wrapping towel around my waist to play lady restaurant. Instead, he dragged me weeping into the woods and made me stand there in the rain holding an AR-15 until I turned a gopher into red dust. Two years later, when I finally spoke again, I said, “Guns.”

[Mr. H looks shocked]

Mr. H: Lance, would you like to see the counselor?

Lance: Oh, yeah.

[Lance walks out]

Meghan: Gerald, come on. Do you really wanna leave policy up to a bunch of old white guys?

Gerald: No. I don’t even like old people. I don’t think they should be allowed to vote. I mean, I don’t mean to cause trouble but you don’t get to order for the table if you’re about to leave the restaurant.

Kyle: That’s ageist! That really offends me. I work at a home for the elderly. And I go every Tuesday. And I hold their frail hands. And some of them, their skin is paper thin. Their cartilage like firm jelly. And underneath, you can feel their bones.

Gerald: [looking down at his pants] Oh, keep going. The problem’s going away. Okay. We can walk in three, two– Oh! Hi, principal Anderson.

Principal Anderson: Every other classroom is outside. What’s going on in here?

Gerald: Sorry, I had to delay us a little bit.

[Principal Anderson walks to Gerald]

Principal Anderson: Oh, so you’re the trouble maker, huh? You’re the little bad boy. Huh?

Gerald: Oh! It sits back with a vengence.

Principal Anderson: You’re the naughty, naughty, naughty, nasty– Hold on. I got to step on this bug with my stiletto heels.

Gerald: And it took care of itself the other way. Alright, let’s walk out, everybody.

[The End]

Sleepover

Dad… Adam Driver

Chloe Fineman

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Stephane… Heidi Gardner

Meghan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a dad talking to the girls at their sleepover.]

Dad: Hey, girls. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock! Dad alert! Wiwoo-wiwoo-wiwoo! Sorry to interrupt the sleepover. I just wanted to talk to you girls. I don’t want to single anyone out or embarrass anybody but something happened upstairs.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: The pizza came?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, no. It’s a little different. It’s kind of hard to talk about as a parent. But I believe in mutual respect, so we’re just gonna talk as adults. Okay?

[Cut to the girls]

Girls: Okay!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, well, it looks like someone tried to flush a sanitary napkin pad, sort of a big one in our upstairs washroom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Dad! Whao! Is the toilet broken?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, it is. The pad got stuck. We don’t have a plunger in there. So I think, whoever tried to flush it used a toilet paper stand to try to shove it down and then put a lot of toilet paper on top to kind of blanket it which made it overflow pretty bad.

[Cut to Aidy and Ego]

Ego: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Yeah, then I think they tried to duck-tape it shut which caused the water to sort of explode up out of it into the light sockets which caused electrical shock. Where’s Megan?

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Uh, I don’t know. She went upstairs like an hour ago.

[Cut to Dad. Meghan walks down stairs with her clothes wet and her hair all messed up.]

Dad: Hi, Meghan.

Meghan: What’s up?

[Cut to everybody. Meghan sits down on a couch.]

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, we were just having a talk with the girls coz someone tried to flush a pad and broke the toilet.

[Cut to Meghan. It’s obvious she did it.]

Meghan: [acting as she can’t believe it] Wow! That’s sick! Whoever did that, that’s pretty sick! I’m gonna go to bed.

[Cut to everybody]

Dad: No! We’re just gonna stay and try to piece together what happened.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh, yeah. Well, that stinks. Whoever did that, that’s a mystery. Just get Mark Harman in here to figure this out. Current CIS.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’m just hoping that one of you will, you know, come forward.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Oh, well, it’s not me. I can’t wear pads coz I do little thongs.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, we don’t need all the details.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yes. Yes. I’m tampons. It’s easy, you know? You lube them up and string first down the gullet.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, you don’t have to prove it.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yeah. Listen, I’m no Mark Harman but it was probably Stephane. She’s got big boobs, so she probably does big pads.

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Um, no I don’t.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay! I’m just gonna keep going with what happened. So, it looks like they tried to soak up the water with everyone’s coats. Then they nailed the bathroom door shut and paint over the doorknobs so no one can tell it was a door.

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: That sounds clever. Did that work?

Dad: Um, no! Then they went on my laptop and tried to order a new toilet on Amazon Prime.

Meghan: Honestly, wow!

Dad: Then, they G-chatted someone named ‘Meghan’s mom’ and said, “It happened again. Just like in church, but worse.”

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Whoever did it, just come forward! We’re all adults here. Everybody gets a period. We all get it the same way. Two strong weeks tapered with a week on either side. Cramps, medical farts, violence, sexual hallucinations. Ah! We need Mark Harman, honestly.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, look girls. Here’s the truth. I spoke to my insurance company and we’re looking at $ten,000 in damage and I really need to be able to tell them what happened. So, whoever did it, I hope would feel safe enough to tell me.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh! Come on, you guys! Just tell the hot dad that your period broke his whole house.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Meghan, can I talk to you a moment?

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: Yeah, how can I help?

Dad: I just wanna give you a chance away from anybody else. Is there anything that you wanna tell me?

Meghan: I think we should be together.

Dad: No. No!

Meghan: I gamed it out. Okay? The next six years, you’ll be with your wife while I go to college and learn things. And then Columbus day weekend freshman year, I come home, [claps] we bang!

Dad: Okay! No, Meghan. I give up.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: Wait! I have to confess something. I flushed the pad. I’m like, scared of tampons. I’m sorry.

Ego: Wait! I also flushed the pad.

Stephane: Wait! I did too.

Aidy: And I flushed many, many pads. Today, yesterday and everyday before that for a week and a half.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Wow! Thank you girls for your honesty. [Cut to everybody] Meghan, is there anything that you would like to say.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: No, there is not.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, girls. Have fun. I’m sure everything will be okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Girls: Thanks Mr. Pennyham.

[Cut to the house from the outside. The house blows up!]

[The End]