Whiskers R WE

Barbara Dedrew … Kate McKinnon

Tabbytha … Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with Whiskers R We commercial]

Tabbytha and Barbara: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a ticket to fun.

Tabbytha: A cat is a dream come true with fur.

Barbara: A cat is an animal in your house that you’re okay with.

Tabbytha: Cats are you best friend best side of having a cat.

Barbara: So come on down for our valentine’s day cat giveaway.

Barbara and Tabbytha: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I am Barbara Dedrew.

Tabbytha: And I am Tybertha but I changed it to Tabbytha. Because of cats!

Barbara: You’re freaking nuts.

Tabbytha: Many of these rescue cats come from owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Barbara: So let’s take a look at today’s free lineup.

Tabbytha: Okay.

Barbara: Shall we? This is Riley. [pulls out a cat] She’s a millennial. She uses the twitter rocks . [laughing]

Tabbytha: But I think she’s a troll coz she fills it with crap. I said it, I don’t care.

Barbara: You’re a cornball.

Tabbytha: No, I’m a horn-ball.

Barbara: Cool it. We’re on camera. [pulls out another cat] Toby is a hairless cat. But he wasn’t born that way.

Tabbytha: I covered him with nair and ripped it all his hair. And now he’s got a bone to pick with me.

Barbara: He’ll thank you come swimsuit season.

Tabbytha: Oh! [pulls out another cat] Look who we have here. This is William.

Barbara: You should know. William hasn’t been nurtured yet so he still wears condom.

Tabbytha: He always leaves little wrappers everywhere like, we get it!.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] This is sprinkles.

Tabbytha: Sprinkles has a sad history. He was involved in medical experimentation.

Barbara: He would put lipstick in rabbit’s eyes until they scream.

Tabbytha: Little jerk ass. He’s still nice to pet though.

[Tabbytha is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Tabbytha, I put the cat down already and I think you know that.

Tabbytha: Well, I can’t help it.

Barbara: Please. We both know you’re just doing this to piss off your senator father.

Tabbytha: Well.

Barbara: [pulls out another cat] We call this cat OJ because he is orange like the Jews an murderer like the athlete.

Tabbytha: I’ve had him guilty of being adorable.

Barbara: And again, murder. [pulls out a dog on a cat costume] And this is Whiskers. I don’t know if you can tell, but Whiskers is a dog in a cat costume.

Tabbytha: We think it kind of misses down fire situation.

Barbara: He has to pretend to be a cat so he can see his kids. Anyway, come on down to Whiskers R We.

Tabbytha: Our policy is bring your bag and we’ll put a cat in it.

Barbara: Okay. Time to climb up in the scratching.

[Tabbytha carries Barbara]

Tabbytha: There we go.

Barbara: Happy valentine’s day.

[Cut to a picture Whiskers R We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R We, valentine’s cat giveaway. See you there!

Pickup Artist

Cecily Strong

Veronica… Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

Ronda… Melissa McCarthy

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Joe… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Janice… Leslie Jones

Uncle… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of ladies]

Cecily: Alright ladies, now it’s time for your final test. We’re gonna use each of the pickup techniques you’ve learned in my class ‘The Art Of The Pickup’ for the first time in the real world situation. Veronica, you’re up. Now remember, zero in on the guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and then neg him. Say something negative and get him off this game.

[Veronica walks to two guys having beer]

Veronica: Hey, I like your haircut.

Taran: Oh, thanks.

Veronica: But I don’t know about your friend’s shirt. Grey is not your color.

Jay: Ha-ha. What? I’m interested, what is my color?

[Cut to the ladies watching Veronica]

Cecily: Perfect! She said something negative to pick his interest. Ronda, why don’t you give it a try?

Ronda: I’m ready.

[Ronda walks to other two guys having beer]

I like your hair.

Kenan: Oh, thank you.

[Ronda turns to Kyle]

Ronda: And I think you’re a piece of crap and I’ll bash you and I’ll use you.

Kyle: Oh, what?

[Ronda walks back to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that?

Cecily: Okay, that was very bad, Ronda. It was way, way too negative. Alright, let’s try one of our pickup lines. Joe, you’re up. Remember to initiate physical contact.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe walks to Pete]

Is that a mirror in your pants? Coz I can see myself in them. [puts her hand on Pete’s shoulder.]

Pete: Wow! Cool! So aggressive.

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Alright, that was perfect, guys. Ronda, give another shot?

[Ronda walks back to the guys she talked to earlier]

Ronda: hey, I like your outfit.

Kyle: Thank you.

Ronda: I’d like it better crumpled up on my bedroom floor.

Kyle: Nice.

Ronda: Don’t let it touch my uncle Jessie’s bed. [leaning her body near Kyle’s] I think he’s a serial killer. [she starts licking her palm and rubbing it on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that.

[Ronda kisses Kyle’s chest]

Dude!

Kenan: Are you hitting on us?

Ronda: No. But I’d like to hit your face. [Ronda slaps Kenan’s glass out of his hand]

Cecily: Ronda!

Ronda: Duty calls! [Ronda pushes Kenan and walks to the ladies] [Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Okay guys.

Ronda: I think I’m getting it.

Cecily: Now what did Ronda do wrong?

Vanessa: Um, she said her uncle is a serial killer.

Cecily: Yep, she made that tiny fart noise with her mouth.

Ronda: I’d like to just point out now whenever he smells a fart, he’s gonna think of me, dummy!

Cecily: Janice, why don’t you give it a shot?

[Janice walks to the guys Ronda talked to]

Janice: [to Kenan] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kenan: What?

Janice: Me.

Kenan: Damn. Can I buy you a drink?

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Let me try. [to Kyle] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kyle: Let me guess, you.

Ronda: No, not me. My uncle. He has a cool haircut.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s beer and rubs on his face.]

Kyle: Stop! Stop! Oh, my god!

Ronda: Do you think it would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with the rock?

[Ronda is choking Kyle]

Kyle: What the hell? Get off me, dude!

[Ronda walks to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that? I initiated physical contact, right?

Cecily: Well Ronda, you choked him.

Ronda: Yeah.

Cecily: Put your fingers in his mouth, and then in your mouth.

Ronda: Yeah, but then I let it go and I showed mercy. So you’re the dumb one.

Cecily: Okay. Well, fine. [To Vanessa] Now, why don’t you show us what you’ve learned. Remember to try and set future plan.

[Vanessa walks to two guys]

Vanessa: Um, hey. Me and my friends have a bet. How much do you think the ball in Time Square weighs? Maybe we should go out on New Year and ask.

Bobby: Oh, that’s cool. I’ve never been to New York except for one serious surgery.

[Cut to Ronda waking into the guys she talked to before again]

Ronda: [to Kyle] Hey, me and my friends have a bet. I hear at prison executions, the victim poops himself on the slab. So, maybe we should go to one together and see if he poops on a slab. And if we make it back and prisoner does indeed poop on the slab, then I will give you $10,000, but if he doesn’t poop then you’ll kiss me at my mouth. But I don’t have the money, so I hope he poops.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s drink, licks her hand and puts her hand on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: Stop! Get off me. Stop that. Please stop that. Stop that. Don’t do that.

Ronda: Oh! Oh! My uncle is here.

[Cut to Uncle]

Uncle: Somebody touched my bed!

[The End]

Movie Night

Mom…Melissa McCarthy

Tommy…Pete Davidson

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mom bringing snacks for Tommy and Dad who are watching TV]

Mom: Okay. And let them eat snacks.

Tommy: Mom, you rock.

Mom: Oh, gosh! When did Hamilton look so young? When is this?

Dad: It’s the very first Terminator from 84. It’s a classic.

Tommy: Yeah, you know, we haven’t had a movie night in forever. This is nice.

[Girl moaning sound from the TV]

Tommy thinking: Oh, no! There’s a sex scene in Terminator? I don’t remember this. Now I have to watch sex with my parents? This is so awkward. I need to ease the tension in here. I have to say something that will lighten things up. Right now!

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: So, when was the last time you guys did that?

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! That was the worst possible thing I could have said. Everyone was pretending it didn’t even happen. I need to say something else.

Tommy: Wah! She’s getting railed.

Tommy thinking: Oh, why would I say that? I should say something sweet now.

Tommy: I love you guys so much.

Dad: Ah, okay kid.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Aw, that’s very sweet of you.

Mom thinking: Oh boy! I wish my hand wasn’t so rubbing Tommy’s thigh during this intercourse scene. I’ll have to remove my hand to shuttle in. It’d affect Tommy sexual confiden– Oh, you know what? I got it!

[Mom claps around and looks at her palm]

Yep! Nice one, Patty!

Dad thinking: Oh boy. I need to break the tension with a witty comment about what we’re watching. Think, Jim!

Dad: You know, she has very dark nipples for a white girl.

Dad thinking: Ha-ha-ha. Nailed it!

Tommy thinking: I gotta take a quick timeout from this or I will literally die.

[Tommy stands]

Tommy: So I’m gonna grab a snack real quick.

Dad: Oh, you want us to pause it?

Tommy: Umm….. yeah.

Tommy thinking: No! Why would you tell them to pause it?

[Tommy walks away]

Mom thinking: Boy, that is a dark nipple. Nipple is a weird word. Nipple. Nipple. Nipple.

Dad thinking: We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Can’t get that thing out my head. We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Ha-ha. Genius.

[Tommy walks in] [girl moaning sound] [Mom is looking at what Tommy is eating]

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! I was so out of my head with the pause thing, I just opened a pantry and grabbed the package of dry Rigatoni pasta. And now I’m eating it. This hurts. Really bad.

Mom thinking: I wish these two actors would have discussed wearing a condom before start making love. I hope Tommy doesn’t think that’s okay. I should say something. Just something casual, cool. Something pro-safe sex.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Boy, rubbers are red, huh?

Mom thinking: Oh boy. I wish I hadn’t started rubbing his thigh again when I brought up the rubbers. Pity!

Dad thinking: That was weird. Poor kid. Probably dying inside. I’ma help him out.

[girl moaning sound]

Dad: You know, there’s a sex scene in Wild Things that’s way worse than this. It’s a crazy three way. It’s a topless Denise Richards in her prime. Scene starts at like 38:10. You should check it out.

Dad thinking: Boy, they’re gonna know I have a Mr. Skin account.

Tommy thinking: Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I gotta make some kind of witty statement so we could forget how uncomfortable this has been.

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: This guy is lasting so long. You know, I bet he’s thinking of baseball or this parents so he lasts, you know? Not that I would think of you guys during sex. That’s gross. I mean, you know– but you are not gross. You know, you guys were hot back in the day. If I was back to the future and I time traveled to when you were in high school, I’d totally hook up with you mom. [yelling] Ew! What am I saying? I hate the Terminator. I’m a virgin by the way. Okay, see you guys!

[Tommy stands and walks away] [girl moaning sound]

Mom: She really is getting railed.

Dad: Yeah, she is taking it like a champ.

[The End]

Melissa McCarthy Monologue

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.

[Melissa McCarthy walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Melissa McCarthy: Hi. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh my goodness. This is so exciting. It’s Valentine’s Day show. It’s just… I have a little something unusual for you. I want everybody right now to look under their chair. Go ahead. Look under your chair. And if you anyone finds a glove, there’s one glove from this week. It’s like, caramely color. It’s a goodie and if you find it just give me a holla. It’s missing it’s sister.

I’ve been having just the most amazing week here. My whole family is here. I just finished a new movie called “The Boss” I did with my husband. We had a blast doing it. But I’ll tell you what. Honestly, all I can think about is the fact that I am hosting SNL for the fifth time tonight. Yeah. Which means I am officially now a member of the Five Timer’s club. But before they come out here and make a fuss to give me my Five Timer’s jacket, I just wanna say one little thing. Hit it!

[music playing] [singing] Never in my wildest dreams I ever expected to host a show five times
they say five time’s a charm, I got a tattooed on my arm, 555

Backup singers: She was born… born to host five times

Melissa McCarthy: Born to host five times

Backup singers: She was born… born to host five times

Melissa McCarthy: I hosted five times

[Melissa McCarthy wars glasses that say 5X]

Five Timer’s club is mine

Backup singers: Five, five, five, five, five,
five, five, five, five, five
five, five, five, five, five
five, five, five, five, five

[Kenan walks in wearing a big ‘5’ outfit]

Kenan: Stop it! Can we stop? Melissa, you’ve only hosted four times.

Melissa McCarthy: No, that’s not true. Five, five, five, five, five.

Kenan: Can you put her down. No, please stop.

Melissa McCarthy: No, what?

Kenan:  It’s only four. I googled it while I was backstage sweating in this foam ‘5’ costume that you made me wear.

[All the backup singers leave the stage]

Melissa McCarthy: Wait a minute. No, no, no, no. That’s not right. Wait a minute. [counting] First one was 2011, 2013, 2014, tonight, last year was a 40th, you know, 40th anniversary special. That’s five.

Kenan: No. No. The 40th doesn’t count baby girl. That counts for like, 1/16th of a hosting. So, that’s like four and 1/16th.

Melissa McCarthy: [opens her glasses] So, am I not getting Five Timer’s jacket?

Kenan: No. But look, you get this. [hands over Melissa McCarthy a banana wearing a tiny suit.] That’s cool.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh! Yeah. It is cool Why is it on a banana?

Kenan: Well, just to show scale. There’s more here. Look at these. [hands over 4&1/16th glasses]

Melissa McCarthy: Okay, these are even bigger than the Five’s. Oh, and the banana. I mean, ou think about it, now I’m like at my own club have a 4&1/16er.

Kenan: Yeah. Now, sing the damn song.

[music playing] [Backup singers come in dancing]

Melissa McCarthy: [singing] Tonight will still be fun because I’m hosting for the 4&1/16th times

It’s even better!

never felt quite so alive, tonight I’m gonna really dive 4&1/16th times

Backup singers: She’s hosting four, four, 4&1/16th times

Melissa McCarthy: We got a great show. Kanye West is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Cul-De-Sac Reaction

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Dadi… Melissa McCarthy

Diane… Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Cul-De-Sac test screening]

Cecily: Okay, hi there folks. Again, we appreciate you all attending our test screening this evening. Now, we reviewed your comment cards and the Cul-De-Sac was one of our highest scoring horror movies in four years.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, man. I loved it, man. Y’all twisted and I like that.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Well, that is great to hear. Now show hands, how many of you experienced a jump scare during the film? That’s where you physically jumped in your seat.

[Cut to many people raising their hands]

Dadi: One or two jump scares in there for me. Spilled a little bit of soda. I think he got heat on your hands.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, let’s hope so. As you know, were were taping the audience during the screening for our television and web ads and you guys gave us some great reactions we’d like to use. Now, we wanted to show you some before you sign the releases.

[Cecily plays the video] [Cut to the audience reaction video.] [Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Ah! had a little jump there.

[Cut to Diane]

Diane: Oh, my god! It’s so embarrassing.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Alright. Now, this was taken during the first murder scene.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Dadi spits soda all over Vanessa who is sitting in front of her, and then spills her soda at Kenan at the back when getting scared.] [Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Wow! Dadi, you were pretty scared there.

[Cut to Dadi and Diane]

Dadi: Um, I think that clip might have been Diane.

Diane: No. It was you.

Dadi: Well, I guess it’s kind of hard to tell with night vision.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Okay. Now here’s you guys watching the monsters in the trees sequence.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Leslie gets scared. Dadi is puking. Vanessa looks at her but Dadi punches her face and pukes again.] [Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: By the way, that young woman who was punched is shaken, but she’s otherwise fine.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Well, for the record, I barely touched her. I think she’s a little bit of a drama queen.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Alright. You guys, you gave us some real great stuff during that final chase scene.

[Cut to the audience reaction video. Dadi is making a scene at the theatre. She pulls off Pete’s shirt. Pete runs away scared of Dadi.]

Dadi in reaction video: I’m pissing myself. I’m pissing myself.

[Leslie is laughing at her]

Leslie in reaction video: Man, this bitch is pissing on herself.

[Dadi pushes everyone making her way to run outside the theatre] [Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: So, you’re all okay with these? We have some releases for you.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Oh! I’d love to be on TV. I’m not sure if it’s worth losing my dignity over.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Well, you’ll get $250.

[Cut to Dadi]

Dadi: Oh, yeah. Deal.

[Cut to a commercial board with the poster of the movie and picture of Dadi puking.]

Bus Ride

Driver… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Taran Killam

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with a bus stopping at the bus stop]

Driver: Okay. Okay, this is Franklin station transfer here for M26 to Greenville.

[Leslie gets in the bus]

Leslie: Hello.

Driver: Hello ma’am.

[There is no seat available so Taran offers Leslie his seat]

Taran: Um, would you like to sit down miss?

Leslie: Yeah. Thanks.

Taran: You got it.

Leslie: So nice.

[Taran stands and Leslie takes his seat] [Melissa makes way for Leslie to take the seat]

Melissa: Oh, that’s gotta feel good.

Leslie: Yes, it does. Chivalry isn’t dead, right?

Melissa: Hah! I kind of meant the other thing.

Leslie: What other thing?

Melissa: You know. White man gives up his seat in front of the bus. You gotta say, you’ve come a long way baby.

Leslie: Okay.

Melissa: I mean. You know, they’re showing Roots on television for February. And I have just been glued to this. They’re so good. Prime Ben Vareen. Prime OJ Simpson. I mean you can’t miss the cast really. You know what character I love is that Kunye Kenny.

Leslie: Um, Kunta Kinte.

Melissa: I don’t speak it but I enjoy the work.

Leslie: [to Taran] Hey, you sure you don’t wanna sit back down?

Taran: No, I’m good.

Melissa: You know, I gotta be honest, I don’t love a lot of black movies, but like the one where she poops in the pie and– where was that? I can’t remember what it’s called. She was a maid. She pooped in pie and made a lady eat. What is that? Is that called Poop Pie?

Leslie: No. It’s called ‘The Help’.

Melissa: Oh, that’s it. That’s it. That’s a little racy for me. But Roots. Roots, I do enjoy. You know, I told my husband Ron. I said if this is Roots, which one is Quest Love? [laughing] He did not get that one. God he was that. OJ is– was handsome. It’s a waste, huh?

Leslie: [to driver] Ay, man. I’m just gonna get out here.

Driver: This is a highway ma’am.

Leslie: That’s fine.

Melissa: You know, there’s another one I did love. It’s also got slaves in it. It’s not Roots. I think it’s– is it eight years I got to slave?

Leslie: No.

Melissa: Eight years I gotta slave.

Leslie: No. It’s 12 years of slave. 12 years of slave.

Melissa: Oh, is it 12 years? I didn’t see the whole thing. So.

Leslie: [to driver] Hey, man! You can just open up the door and I can just tuck and roll out. You ain’t even got to stop.

[Melissa holding Leslie’s hand]

Melissa: Look at that. We were like a banneton ad, huh? That’s sweet. I mean, if I had to choose, I would prefer white movies. They’re just so many great ones. The Godfather. The Gremlins. Star Wars. Oh, boy. But I did enjoy Roots just as much as any white movie. [Leslie is starting to look at window nicely] I mean you know what I was telling Ron? I said, “How about somebody make Root with all white cast. It’s a win– you can’t go wrong with that.

Leslie: Ay man, does this window open? I can just slide right out of this window.

Driver: One sec. [phone ringing] Wait, hold on. [on phone] Yeah. Why? A bomb? Now? Okay. I’m on. [hangs up the phone] Well folks, I just got word that if I go below 50 miles an hour, this bus will explode.

Leslie: What? I don’t wanna die with you. Oh!

Melissa: I don’t wanna die before seeing the end of Roots. I mean, do they ever get free?

Driver: Don’t worry ma’am. I got a full tank of gas in this baby so we can ride all night. I just gotta make one quick stop.

Everybody: No!

[The bus explodes]