Colin Jost
Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Many Americans are preparing to quarantine again this winter. Here to offer her tips on quarantining alone is our very own Melissa Villaseñor.
[Melissa Villaseñor slides in]
Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. [cheers and applause] Hey, nice suit.
Colin Jost: Thanks, Melissa. We’re all back at work now. But before that, you spend most of quarantine by yourself, right?
Melissa Villaseñor: Wow, Colin, way to throw it in my face. I say nice suit and you say “You’re always alone.”
Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m sorry. That was pretty harsh. Sorry, Melissa.
Melissa Villaseñor: It’s okay. It’s alright. But you’re right, though. I’ll be honest. It wasn’t super fun all the time. Like, at first, all I wanted to do was watch silly stupid stuff. So, I found that old show ‘The Little Rascals’. Colin, would laugh so hard, I couldn’t make out a single word they were saying. They sounded like this. “[gibberish] Oh, no. [gibberish] hamburger.”
Colin Jost: Yeah. All I understood was hamburger.
Melissa Villaseñor: I was like, “Man, it must have been so fun to be a little rascal. Then I looked it up. It was not very fun to be a little rascal.
Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s a bummer to look into. Yeah.
Melissa Villaseñor: You know what always cheers me up though? Exercising. One day I was doing a wall sit for a whole minute. I don’t mean to brag. Then I sneezed like this. [squeaky voice like she is getting ready to sneeze] All my gamers out there know what sounds like, right? Link from Zelda. So I’m sitting there, legs on fire, sneezing like Link doing somersaults. And then, I peed a little. It happens, you know? It was funny. You should have been there.
Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. No, really bummed I missed it.
Melissa Villaseñor: I also got pretty creative. I remember I saw that TikTok of that guy skateboarding to Fleetwood Mac. So I thought I’d recreate it myself, you know? But instead of cranberry juice, I was holding my cat Ella. So, I’m skateboarding, holding Ella, singing to her.
[singing] Now here you pour again
you say you want your dinner
wait I don’t know how to skateboard
I’m falling down into a creek
oh, no, I peed again.
Colin Jost: Wow, again, huh?
Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. I’m glad you weren’t there for that one. But Colin, I couldn’t have gone through quarantine without relaxing music. And my favorite is Sia. Because she always sounds like she’s bumbled up and cozy in bed. Right? Just…
[singing] Party girls don’t get hurt
Can’t feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, [yawning] push it down
Come on, Sia. Start the day!
Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.
Melissa Villaseñor: I wanna tickle my friends again.