Weekend Update Melissa Villaseñor on Oscar Snubs

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Guys, the Oscars nominations were announced last week and here to discuss her thoughts on these awards is our own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yay! Hi, Colin. Ah, I’m so excited for the Oscars this year. I think I have a really good chance to win.

Colin Jost: Oh, I’m sorry. But, for what?

Melissa Villaseñor: My music. I wrote original songs for all the top movies. Like this one. Here’s my song for Joker. Hit it fellas

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of Joker movie logo at left top corner.] [music playing] [singing] Joaquin Phoenix, skinny, skinny
laughs a lot but still so scary
dances on steps, goes stompy, stompy
puts a pillow over crazy mommy
but the thing that this movie is really about
is white male rage, white male rage
white male rage.. Joker!

[music stops] [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Wow. Yea, that was great Melissa. I gotta say I don’t remember that song in Joker. And I watch that movie everyday while I work out.

Melissa Villaseñor: What a weirdo! Well, did you at lease like the song?

Colin Jost: I mean, I am no music critic but it seemed like it was just a description of the movie and then it took a weird turn into social commentary.

Melissa Villaseñor: Ah, thanks. Well, here’s another one. My song for The Irishman.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of The Irishman movie logo at left top corner.] [same music playing] [singing] This movie has a lots of offer
Al Pacino as Jimmy Hopper
Gangster life gets kinds messy
Robert De Niro and lil’ Joe Pesci
It’s three hours long, they’re old and they’re young
and it’s white male rage, white male rage
white male rage… Irishman!

[music stops] [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That was great, Melissa. That one definitely was not in the Irishman. And I should know. I watch that movie alone on Christmas day.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: So sad. Of course, none of these songs are in the movies, Colin. Here’s another one.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: How many more do you have?

Melissa Villaseñor: A whole bunch.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Melissa Villaseñor: But I’ll just combine them all, okay? Hit it boys.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of Hollywood board at left top corner.] [same music playing] [singing] Manson Hitler, white male rage
World War I coz of white male rage
Little Women big performances
but Greta Gerwig snubbed coz of white male rage
Buzz and Woody had it again
and it’s white male rage, white male rage
white male rage!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: See you at the Oscars.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Undercover Boss Where Are They Now

Kylo Ren… Adam Driver

Mikey Day

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

[Starts with different clips of Star Wars]

Male voice: Five years ago, supreme leader of the first order, Kylo Ren went undercover in his organization and pledged to change his company for the better. Tonight, we’ll find out if he kept his promise in an Undercover Boss special. Where are they now? Kylo Ren.

[Cut to Kylo Ren]

Kylo Ren: I’ll say it. I haven’t been the best boss lately. I’ve been a little distracted by some personal drama

Male voice: Drama is right. Days after appearing in our show, Kylo killed his dad, cut his mentor in half, fired upon his mother’s space craft, and he’s now obsessed with finding a young jedi named Ray. So, Kylo is going back undercover to get things on track. [Kylo Ren is dressing up and wearing wig] But this time as Randy, an entry level intern.

Kylo Ren: Time to get our fresh perspective. Let’s intern.

[Cut to Mikey and Chloe]

Mikey: She put it on the wrong side!

[Mikey showing the papers to the other staffs]

Female voice: Hidden cameras were placed all over the ship and no one knows Randy is really Kylo Ren.

[Kylo Ren walks in]

Kylo Ren: Hey guys, I’m Randy, the new intern. Okay, boomer! Right?

[The other staffs are confused]

Mikey: [fake laughing] Ha-ha-ha. Alright.

Kylo Ren: So, hey, what do you guys think? When Kylo Ren offers Ray his hand for the second time, do you think she’ll take it?

Melissa: Who cares?

[Kylo Ren moves his face close to Melissa’s]

Kylo Ren: I do! I do!

Melissa: Okay.

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: So, I’ve learned all the interns here do all the bitch work. Clerical stuff, food and drink orders, droid wrangling.

[Cut to Kylo Ren talking to a stormtrooper]

Kylo Ren: Excuse me. Do you know who’s in charge of fuel invoices?

Stormtrooper: Oh, yeah. I think you’re looking for Deez Nuts!

[Stormtrooper walks away]

Kylo Ren: Hilarious! Said no one ever.

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: Everyone’s been really nice so far. Some, more than others.

[Cut to Beck during his presentation.]

Beck: The fleet is amassing on exogol.

[Kylo Ren walks in with the drinks]

Kylo Ren: One blue star milk?

Beck: That’s mine. With sarlacc cream. Yes.

Kylo Ren: Oh! I’ll go back.

Beck: Don’t go back. Straws? [Kylo Ren doesn’t have it] Great! We’ll just suck it out of a hole in the top. Thank you, Randy. Goodbye! Bye now!

[Kylo Ren is staring at Beck] Good– Beck’s head bursts.

Kylo Ren: Oh, my god! Are you okay?

[Cut to stormtrooper]

Stormtrooper: That new inter’s Kyle Ren, right?

[Cut to Kylo Ren fixing the printer]

Kylo Ren: Load sheets on tray B, I just did that.

Mikey: It thinks the tray is empty.

[Kylo Ren stares at the printer and the printer explodes] [Cut to Mikey gossiping about Kylo Ren in the intern’s room]

Mikey: He broke another printer. And did you hear? He killed some admiral.

Bowen: Earlier, he came up to me and was like, so in my face. He aggressed me. He aggressed me.

[sound of someone screaming]

Female voice: That night, Kylo is invited to Friday Fun Day drinks in the intern office.

[Chloe is crying]

Kylo Ren: What’s wrong?

Chloe: [sobbing] Um, nothing. I applied to be a type fighter pilot and the director, he was like, “The only way for a woman to fly cockpit is a direct order from Kylo Ren.” Like that will ever happen.

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: The culture here needs to change. Everybody deserves a shot. If I can be a small part of that change, I will.

[Cut to next morning Chloe walking to find a helmet with a ‘Welcome to the team, pilot. -Kylo Ren’ message on it.]

Kylo Ren: Congratulations.

Chloe: I’m so happy right now.

Kylo Ren: Maybe one of these days you’ll be as good a pilot as Kylo Ren.

Chloe: Kylo Ren? Shh! Na! I wanna fly like Luke Skywalker.

[Kylo Ren stabs Chloe with his laser sword and then whispers in her ear.]

Kylo Ren: And now, you’ll die like him too. Okay, Boomer?

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: Well, how did it go? I’d say pretty good. I made four new friends and killed one of them. I’d say that’s a pretty good start.

[Cut to Undercover Boss video bumper] [The End]