Office Halloween Party

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Ray Shawn… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Greg… Beck Bennett

Charles… Kumail Nanjiani

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in office Halloween party. They are all wearing different costumes and are dancing to the music.] [the music ends and they stop dancing]

Sarah: We just did the entire ‘Thriller’ dance.

Leslie: That was hot. Let’s do it again.

Ray Shawn: Alright. Who wants some non-alcoholic punch?

Kyle: Why do you have to call it non-alcoholic punch every time?

Ray Shawn: Coz I don’t want people to get excited about nothing.

Kyle: Ah! Cool point, Ray Shawn.

[phone ringing]

Cecily: Oh, I got it. [speaking on the phone] Hello. You guys, it’s Gregg. [Cut to split screen with Greg and Cecily] Hey, how’s the conference going, boss?

Greg: Very useful. I’m excited to share the info. Hey, could you put everyone on phone? I want to talk to the gang.

[Cut to everyone in the office party]

Cecily: Oh, yeah. [to everyone] Greg wants me to put him on phone.

Leslie: Of course he does. He loves a party.

Cecily: Okay, Greg, you’re on.

Greg: Hey, everyone. It’s Greg. Sorry, I had to miss the party.

Charles: How’s Miami?

Greg: How was that?

Charles: Miami, how is it?

Greg: Is this Charles?

Charles: No. This is Groot. [he is wearing Groot costume] [everyone laughing]

Greg: I’m sorry, who did you say it was?

Charles: I am groot.

Greg: Who? Mr. who? I’m having a hard time hearing.

Cecily: Get closer to the speaker. He will love that you said you are Groot.

Charles: I am Groot. I am Groot. You know? The tree guy?

Greg: Oh, I see. Am, listen guys, I’m just getting some lab results back here.

Kyle: TMI, Greg!

Greg: What was that?

Kyle: Sorry, Greg, go ahead.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Yeah. This is very uncomfortable and I hate doing this over the phone, but I was told I need to relay this information asap.

[Cut to everybody in the office listening silently] [Cut to Greg]

Did I lose you? Is everyone still there?

[Cut to everybody in the office]

Leslie: Yeah. Go ahead, Greg.

Greg: Yeah. It seems I somehow got hepatitis A and because I made that Halloween cake for you guys–

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Greg: Well, um, I didn’t know this, but apparently you can get it from someone making your food. So, I hope you didn’t eat the Halloween cake I made you.

Ray Shawn: Oh, Greg! That cake is gone.

Charles: Yeah, Greg. I think we all ate the cake.

Greg: I’m sorry, what was that?

Ray Shawn: The cake you’re talking about, Greg, we all had a piece.

Greg: Okay. So everyone had a piece of the cake I made?

Charles: Yeah, Greg. But I thought this kind of thing only happen to people with dirty kitchens.

Ray Shawn: Or people who, like, don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom and then make a cake.

Greg: Yeah. Well, those are a couple of possibilities. What is important is that you all have the information now.

Sarah: Actually, Greg, i didn’t have any of the cake. Does that mean that I’m okay?

Greg: Was that Yolanda?

Sarah: No. It’s Sarah.

Greg: Oh, Sarah. How areyou.

Sarah: Worried, Greg.

Greg: What was that?

Sarah: Well, I’m concerned. I didn’t eat any of the cake. Am I okay?

Greg: Oh, good! But unfortunately, I drank from your water bottle.

Sarah: Why, Greg?

Greg: Well, you said it was one of those fancy ones that kept drinks cold for seven hours. So, I wanted to see.

Sarah: Oh, Greg. What an inconvenience for me and my family.

Greg: Ah, I’m sorry, Sarah. Sorry everyone. But we can’t point fingers, right? The only productive thing to do now is to go to your GP and get the lab work done. But let’s try not to all go on the same day. Also, going forward, please wash your hands before handling food, okay?

Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks, Greg! For the hot tip.

Greg: Well, enjoy the rest of the party. I sure wish I could be there.

Charles: Okay, Greg. Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about. And ultimately, we are glad you called. I’d like to think that this has brought us closer together as a company.

Greg: Alright, everybody. I really have to go.

Cecily: Okay. Bye, Greg. We will get tsted as you recommend and circle back with the results.

Greg: Yeah. That’s perfect.

[Cecily hangs up the phone]

Melissa: So, guys, should we do the ‘Thriller’ dance again?

[Ray Shawn is still eating the cake]

Kyle: [looking at Ray Shawn] What are you doing, man?

Ray Shawn: What? It’s a good cake!

E! New Line Up

Kendall Jenner, Gigi Hadid… Gal Gadot

Bella Hadid… Kate McKinnon

Blake Shelton… Luke Null

Gwen Stefani… Melissa Villaseñor

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Nene Leaks… Leslie Jones

[Starts with video Channel commericial]

Female voice: The world is a complete bummer right now. And here at E, we know that sometimes you just have to be like, “Buhh.” So turn your brain off with our new line-up of fall programming. First, we’re celebrating 10 years of the Kardashian dynasty with our new series, “Kendall’s Model House.” Tune in, it’s Kendall Jenner and super model sisters Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid complain around a huge bowl of fruits.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid]

Kendall Jenner: I’m under a lot of pressure.

Bella Hadid: So much pressure.

Kendall Jenner: [looking at Gigi Hadid] You’re prettier than me.

Gigi Hadid: No way. You are so much prettier than me.

Kendall Jenner: Wait. Which one am I? [Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid are thinking] Alexa?

Alexa: You are Kendall Jenner.

Female voice: What? Not everything can be good news. So, if you wanna feel absolutely nothing, watch ‘Down Home with Blake and Gwynn’, Tuesdays at 9:30.

[Cut to Blake and gwynn singing]

Blake Shelton: [singing] I love you, girl.

Gwen Stefani: [singing badly] I love you too.

Blake Shelton: No, you go high.

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani: [singing] I love you.

Blake Shelton: You know what? We’re going to work on it.

Female voice: You’d watch that for 20 minutes, and that’s okay. [Cut to Kanye West hiding from the camera] You know the moments on the Kardashians where Kanye clearly doesn’t want to be on camera? Now, there’s a show that’s just that. It’s “Where’s Kanye?” He’s hanging back because he is shy or he doesn’t want to be associated with the show. “Where’s Kanye?” Then Wednesday at 10:15, get lost in Kendall’s World.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner walking around her house]

Kendall Jenner: Hello? [looking around]

Female voice: As Kendall Jenner literally gets lost in her own house.

Kendall Jenner: Hello?

Female voice: The house is so big and empty and she’s only there two weeks out of the year.

[Kendall Jenner opening door]

Kendall Jenner: Is this the bathroom? Damn, closet again!

Female voice: But hey, that’s “Kendall’s World.” And Thursdays at 10, “Background Actors of Riverdale.” Then, their bosses, hoes and twins on “Powerful Sluts of Miami.” And you love her on “Fashion Police”, now reality star Nene Leaks has her own show.

Nene Leaks: I was on Bravo. Now I’m on E! I’m everywhere, bitch! I hate that.

Female voice: Nene Leaks, “If I Hate That.” Round out the week with special episodes of “Kendall’s World”. That’s right. She’s still lost. But she found a comfy closed to hunker down in.

[Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid finally meet]

Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid: Oh, yay!

Kendall Jenner: Where is Gigi?

Bella Hadid: She didn’t make it. did you go to the bathroom in here?

Female voice: Kendall’s World, Fridays at 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30 and so on forever. Only on E. You want this!

The Chaos President Cold Open

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Cruz… Melissa Villaseñor

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Sarah walking to the oval office]

Sarah: Welcome back from bed, Mr. president.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Sarah. I had to come back. Sometimes when you’re president, you have to make sacrifices. So I skipped the back nine.

Sarah: Um, I understand, Mr. President. Sir, mayor Cruz of San Juan is on the line.

Donald Trump: I was expecting this phone call. Sure she wants to tell me what a great job I am doing.

[picks up the phone]

Yes, mayor, you wanted to talk to me?

[Cut to split screen with Cruz and Donald Trump]

Cruz: Yes, Mr. President, I’m so glad to have you on the phone. I’m begging you. Puerto Rico needs your help.

Donald Trump: I hear you loud and clear. And you called the best person for the job. [Cut to Donald Trump] Trust me. I know things are at the locals say ‘Despacito’. We’re gonna get more help to you. We’ll get to you immediately probably by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Mr. President, that’s not good enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you should have paid your bills. Thema takes a few days unless you join Thema prime.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ma’am, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re in an island in the water. The ocean water. Big ocean. With fishies and bubbles and turtles that bite. We wanna help you but we have to take care of America first.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Wait, you do know we’re a US territory, don’t you?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I do, but not many people know that.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Cruz]

Cruz: Sir, e just need help please.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Donald Trump: Wow! That woman was so nasty.

Sarah: Mr. President, I got to be honest. This is only gonna get way worse.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like you, Sarah. You’re a straight shooter. That’s why you outlasted Sean Spicer, Scaramucci, Banon, Priebus, Gorkha flame and Tom Price.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Thank you, sir. I think it’s because folks listen to me because I’m no nonsense but I’m all nonsense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you handled that NFL thing just great.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Oh, well, I’m a little embarrassed that I said it’s a black and white issue. I should have said it’s a black vs. white issue.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s disgraceful. You know, I actually love football. I could’ve played. People say I remind them of an NFL player because I’m combative. I like to win. And I might have degenerative brain disease.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Well, I will stand by you, sir. No matter what you say.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, trust me. It may seem like what’s coming out of my mouth is B-A-N-A-N-A-S, but it’s all part of the plan. The more chaos I cause, the less people can focus. We’re all getting so tired. So tired. Let me show you. How long did I declare war on North Korea and the rocket man?

[Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump]

Sarah: Um, four months?

Donald Trump: Wrong! it was last Friday. See? I’m bending time. So, let’s keep the chaos coming and shake things up around here. Speaking of shaking things up, get Jeff Sessions in here.

Sarah: Okay. Alright.

[As soon as Sarah walks out, Jeff Sessions stand up from right behind Donald Trump]

Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Jeff, how did you get in here so fast?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I live in the grandfather clock just in the hallway. I made friends with some mice. They tell me secrets.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I’m thinking about making a few changes in my administration.

Jeff Sessions: Aw! Digiddi dong!

Donald Trump: But you’ve been with me from the beginning. And you know, I value loyalty.

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. I’m very, very loyal.

Donald Trump: But, you went against me on the darker thing. And you wouldn’t fire James Comey when I needed you to.

Jeff Sessions: I know I was a bad boy. Very bad. Very bad. I should not have recuse myself from Coleman calamity. I don’t know. I got spooked.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I need someone with real balls. Not what you have which is two little George Pickens. Okay? Um, we have to do something right now.

Jeff Sessions: I understand. Time for the belt.

Donald Trump: I’m not doing that, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Please, sir. Don’t tweet on me. Please. I cannot get tweeted all over again.

Donald Trump: Tweet is so powerful, aren’t they? You fear the tweets.

Jeff Sessions: No, no. Donny. Donny, please.

Donald Trump: God, it’s so hard when you’re so damn cute. Come on over here to daddy.

[Donald Trump pulls Jeff Sessions and makes him sit on his laps]

Jeff, we’ll get through this.

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. i will not let you down. I might look adorable but I am frightening.

Donald Trump: You know, I’m nothing if not loyal. You were the first to get the republican party on my side. And I’ll always back them up because of you. You’re my guy, Jeff.

[Sarah walks in]

Sarah: Sorry to interrupt sir, but Chuck Schumer is here. He says you’re working on some kind of secret deal together.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions. Donald Trump stands and puts Jeff Sessions down]

Donald Trump: Ah, yes. Send him in.

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: There he is. How are you doing, sir? Ready for dinner? No great place for slices. You’ll feel like you’re back in Queens.

Donald Trump: Great! Let’s go.

Jeff Sessions: So, are you really leaving with him?

Donald Trump: I told you, I’m nothing if not loyal. Come on over here, Chuck. We’re both New Yorkers. We enjoy good slice. We never go to Time Square and we love saying–

Donald Trump, Jeff Sessions and Chuck Schumer: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Italian Restaurant

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mark… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Chef… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mikey serving the guests at a restaurant. There are customers sitting at different tables.]

Mikey: So, thank you for trying the food. Tell me, what do you guys think?

Kyle: Yum.

Heidi: Really good.

Mark: fantastic.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Terrazano’s gonna be even better with this new menu.

Cecily: Yeah. I’m 50% Italian, so I know what pasta should taste like. And Terrazano’s does it right.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m so glad you guys feel that way because what if I told you that the delicious pasta dishes you’re digging into right now aren’t actually fron an authentic Italian restaurant?

[Cut to all. Three people walk in with trays of food.]

Ryan: What do you mean?

Cecily: Babe, what’s going on?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That theyr’e actually the new pasta selections from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily looking around]

Cecily: No!

Mikey: Familia Italiano–

Cecily: No!

Mikey: — pasta menu.

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: What? This is Pizza Hut? Really?

Heidi: You guys got us. That was good.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily. They stand.]

Cecily: No, no, no. Stop!

Ryan: Buddy, you better pump your brakes. I’m just a little confused. I was just sitting here eating Terrazano’s pasta with my beautiful fiancée. And now a bunch of clowns come out with Pizza Hut and you are saying that’s what we actually ate? I’m a little confused.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really? Because you got it exactly right, sir. The Terrazano’s pasta you enjoyed is really from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Kyle and Melissa]

Kyle: I gotta say. You are blowing my mind right now.

Melissa: I’m going to be ordering this primavera all the time.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: [yelling] Yea, right! From Terrazano’s, my favorite restaurant.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Okay. But remember, it’s actually Pizza Hut and you still liked them. So, isn’t that fun?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: You son of a bitch.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Whoa, easy!

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. So, you tricked us? What? This whole night was just like one big long trick?

Ryan: Who else knew about this? Huh? [Cut to Ryan, Cecily, Mark and Heidi] What about you, Mark? What was your involvement in all this?

Mark: What? No! I’m just like you. I don’t know about this.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: You can’t do this to me. I’m not a Pizza Hut girl. I’m a Terrazano girl.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Guys, guys. Terrazano’s is not a real restaurant. I never existed before today, okay? This is a warehouse with three tables.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Well, we’re not gonna stand for being made fools of. Not in front of our fiancées. Right, Mark?

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: I wish I hadn’t told you my name.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, the point is, you guys enjoyed the food, right?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: I ought to beat you to death.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Guys, you both signed a release. Your fiancée asked where the camera was, looked directly into it and said “Yum, yum, good.”

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Because I thought it was Terrazano’s.

Ryan: You get off on this? You planting little cameras around and you watch women eat garbage?

Cecily: The chef, babe. Does chef really know?

Ryan: What about chef Luigi Marinara? Is he real?

[Cut to Chef standing. He is wearing chef outfit and has big mustache.]

Chef: I am a real chef, but my actual name is Claud and I did not cook this meal for you.

[Cut to all]

Cecily: You should be disbarred. You should literally be disbarred.

[Ryan walks near to Chef]

Ryan: You looked me in the eyes. You looked my fiancée in the eyes. Where we come from, that means something. You know what? You just lost two people forever.

[Cut to Cecily holding her wine glass]

Cecily: Is this wine even real?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You ordered a diet coke.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Then why am I buzzed?

[Ryan walks to Cecily]

Ryan: You are scaring my girl. And let me tell you, I see red when my girl gets scared. I ought to beat the death out of you.

Cecily: You’re just a loser who could never afford to eat at Terrazano’s. So you made it your pathetic life’s little mission to destroy the people who can.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Okay look, you guys both signed the release. [walking towards Ryan and Cecily] You seemed to like the food. But we won’t use any of the footage if you don’t want, okay? We promise. I’m sorry this was so upsetting to you.

Cecily: Oh, stop yelling at me. I can’t be yelled at. My dad was a really messed up guy. He was really messed but he would never do this to me, not at Terrazano’s.

Ryan: [hugging Cecily] I know, babe. I know. [to Mikey] If this weren’t Terrazano’s, I ould beat you to death.

Mikey: There is no Terrazano’s!

[Cut to Domino’s video bumper]

Male voice: Domino’s, at least we’re not liars!

Rap Song

Big Chris… Kenan Thompson

Shantasia… Sasheer amata

Young Bitch… Pete Davidson

Prinsexxxy… Leslie Jones

Sno’Cone… Mikey Day

Sloppy Moses… Kyle Mooney

Marci Jamz… Melissa Villaseñor

King Keef… Dwayne Johnson

Lil’ Nitwit… Alex Moffat

2 Black Guyz… Colin Jost, Michael Che

Hawt Clown… Cecily Strong

Pregnasty… Kate McKinnon

Skiffle… Bobby Moynihan

Katy Perry

Kathleen Bell… Aidy Bryant

Essentially Simon… Beck Bennett

David S. Pimkskins… Tom Hanks

Dat Snatch*… Vanessa Bayer

[Music video starts with Big Chris in the intro] [music playing]

Big Chris: Uh! This that new track. New money crew. Cash Stack Records. Represent, Big Chris.

Shantasia: With Shantasia. Ha-ha.

Young Bitch: Featuring your boy, Young Bitch!

Big Chris: Here we go, uh! Yo…

Prinsexxxy: Prinsexxxy on the track.

[Big Chris is looking around getting confused]

Holding it down.

Sno’Cone: With Sno’Cone.

Big Chris: Yeah, they up on this track too. Y’all never heard this many MCs. Here we go. Yo…

Sloppy Moses: Sloppy Moses also part of this.

[Big Chris is annoyed]

Bring it down, West Coast!

Big Chris: Um, him too. And that’s more than enough now. Yeah, Big Chris.

Shantasia: Shantasia.

Young Bitch: Young Bitch.

Prinsexxxy: With Prinsexxxy.

Big Chris: Whole lot of people.

Sno’Cone: Sno’Cone!

Marci Jamz: Marci Jamz.

Sloppy Moses: It’s Sloppy Moses.

Big Chris: And then we cut it off there. Uh! Yeah. I mean, we more than covered on this particular track. And yo! Don’t think I ain’t notice you trying to fly under the radar Marci Jamz!

Sno’Cone: New Money Crew roll deep.

Big Chris: I mean, maybe too deep? I don’t know!

King Keef: Featuring King Keef.

Big Chris: No! This track is full, man! There ain’t no vacancy, B!

King Keef: King Keef does not accept that. Brought the whole Hoodlum squad to this track!

Sno’Cone: Hoodlums!

King Keef: Where you at, Lil’ Nitwit?

Lil’ Nitwit: Keep it greasy, y’all!

Big Chris: What happened there?

2 Black Guyz: With 2 Black Guyz.

Big Chris: Bad name!

Hawt Clown: Hey, Hawt Clown!

Big Chris: Ah, [bleep]

Hawt Clown: You know what it is.

Pregnasty: Gucci girl, Pregnasty!

Big Chris: No!

Skiffle: And y’all, don’t forget about your boy Skiffle! Bow-yaka-yaka.

Sloppy Moses: Ah!

King Keef: Oh! Skiffle!

Big Chris: Yo! Definitely ain’t no room for Skiffle.

King Keef: Yo, Skiffle, sing!

Katy Perry: And you know, Katy Perry on the track!

Kathleen Bell: With Kathleen Bell.

Big Chris: Aite, maybe not Kathleen Bell.

Kathleen Bell: [singing] Here we go, new music.

Essentially Simon: Essentially Simon, modern day witch. Bringing those new musings like nothing’s more dangerous than a genius with money.

Big Chris: Whatever! Anybody else?

David S. Pimpkins: David S. Pimkskins! [cheers and applause]

Big Chris: No!

King Keef: Yes!

Big Chris: Alright, everybody could say, you know, let’s just keep it orderly. Find a place to pop in, alright? Here we go. Big Chris on the mic like–

[All the rappers are rapping simultaneously. It’s noisy and doesn’t make sense.]

Stop! Stop! that did not work! It’s like I feel there’s too many people on this track. I’m sorry, y’all.

Dat Snatch*: Dat Snatch* out! Peace!

Big Chris: Yo! Who dis?

David S. Pimpkins: Any questions?

[The End]

First Birthday

Melissa Villaseñor

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa McCarthy

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a group of women having a baby’s birthday party.]

Melissa Villaseñor: The kids are finally outside.

Sasheer: Great party, Jen.

Melissa Villaseñor: Thanks, guys. I know we just moved here so I really appreciate the neighborhood moms helping us celebrate little Jeremy’s first birthday. We feel really welcomed.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, well we remember what it’s like to be a young mom in a new town. And look, you have a great house and a great family. Now all you need is your animal.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, we don’t want a pet.

Sasheer: No, not a pet, silly. Your mom animal. You know, the one animal that every mom adopts as a symbol of her personality.

Melissa Villaseñor: Wait, animal?

All: Yes, your animal.

Cecily: Your animal makes everything easier. No more, what music does she like? How are her hobbies? Now, I’m just pigs. I’m done.

Melissa McCarthy: Once you embrace your animal, everything changes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting at home and a voice said to me, “Your son is heading into a very important meeting.” So I chose that exact moment to call him and tell him about a girl he barely knew that had died.

Melissa Villaseñor: That seems like an inconvenient time to call.

Melissa McCarthy: I know. But I did it anyway because it was my dolphin nature.

Sasheer: I remember when I embraced my animal. Suddenly, whenever someone complimented my clothing, I respond with where I got it and how much it costs.

Leslie: Sheryl, I love that sweater.

Sasheer: Vera Wang, KOHLS, $2, jungle cats.

Melissa Villaseñor: So, how do you pick your animal?

[women laughing]

Kate: Silly girl. You seek an answer yet you do not even know the question. A deep and complex reason for your animal will come to you. For example, I think ladybugs are nice.

Leslie: My thing is angels.

Melissa Villaseñor: Um, I guess I’m just confused.

Vanessa: My animal came to me in a dream. I dreamt, I flew on great white wings. We sailed over my worries and soared over the Costco. Finally, we landed in the parking lot of the Panera Bread. And there he was, a majestic goose wearing a little hat. We made love that night.

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay. I’m sorry. But this sounds crazy. I don’t see how any of this applies to me.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, really? Well, let me ask you this. Why does this pillow have a country chicken on it?

Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t know. I just bought it.

Melissa McCarthy: You bought the chicken or you becoming the chicken?

Sasheer: Ladies, the animal is coming.

Melissa Villaseñor: No. No, I’ll never be like you.

Aidy: What has been put in motion cannot be undone. Soon, you’ll take your iPad to museum because your iPad is your camera.

Vanessa: All of your emails will begin with forward, forward, forward.

Melissa McCarthy: You’ll carry a nice purse and ruin it with a Purell key chain.

[All women start making their animal sound]

Leslie: I’m an angel!

[Now, Melissa Villaseñor is holding a chicken toy, wearing a chicken t-shirt]

Sasheer: Welcome, sister.

Leslie: I love you pin.

Melissa Villaseñor: The TJ Maxx by the hospital, 50 cents. Chickens!

Office Flirty Performance Chris Pine

Liz… Aidy Bryant

Nadeen… Vanessa Bayer

Shelly… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael… Chris Pine

[Starts with Liz and Nadeen in their office]

Liz: Well, Nadeen, it’s time. I think we need to do it.

Nadeen: You’re right. [presses phone button] Shelly, send him in.

[Shelly walks in with Michael]

Shelly: Have a seat.

Michael: Hi. Um, you wanted to see me? [Shelly walks out]

Liz: Yeah. Michael, good morning. You know Nadeen from HR.

Nadeen: Hello, Michael.

Michael: Hi. Uh, is everything okay?

Liz: Well, no. There’s obviously something going on that we need to address.

Michael: If this is about me taking too many sick days this month–

Nadeen: No, Michael, but there has been a pattern of behavior that simply can’t continue.

Michael: I’m sorry. I just have no clue what you’re talking about.

[music starts]

Liz: Um, no clue? You’re the one that has been driving us both crazy!

Nadeen: With you flirty hallway looks.

Liz: And the hunky way that your body is.

Michael: What?

Nadeen: So, you need to make a choice. Me or her?

Michael: A choice?

Liz: You’re tearing two friends apart. And I know you’re mine.

Nadeen: Actually, he is mine.

Michael: Excuse me?

Liz: Shut up.

[Liz and Nadeen stand and start dancing]

Liz and Nadeen: [singing] You need to give it up
Had about enough
It’s not hard to see
The boy is mine
I’m sorry that you
Seem to be confused
He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Nadeen: I think it’s time we got this straight
Sit and talk, face to face
There is no way you could mistake
Him for your man, are you insane

Liz: See I know that you may be
Just a bit jealous of me
But you’re blind if you can’t see
That his love is all in me

Michael: Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait. So, I’m not in trouble?

Liz and Nadeen: No.

Michael: But your fighting over me and now I have to choose whose boy I am?

Liz and Nadeen: Yes.

Michael: And you choreographed your little performance to tell me that?

Liz and Nadeen: Um-hmm.

Liz: So boy, who’s it gonna be? A diabetic mother of two?

Nadeen: Or a childless MILF with an eye for design?

Michael: I’m sorry. Which is which?

[Liz and Nadeen remove their coats]

Nadeen: [singing] I’m sorry that you

Liz: Sorry that you…

Nadeen: Seem to be confused, confused

Liz and Nadeen: He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Liz: Must you do the things you do
You keep on acting like a fool

[Shelly walks in]

Shelly: Hey guys, I’m going on–

Liz: [yelling at Shelly] Oh! Please! You’re fired!

[Shelly runs out]

Michael: Okay. Okay. I don’t– I don’t mean to interrupt but you- you- you ladies never talk to me. And this is the– it’s only the second time I’ve been in this part of the building. So–

Liz: Oh, please, boy.

Nadeen: Don’t play anymore games, boy.

Liz: Boy, just let us do this last part, boy.

Michael: Okay, fine.(Not yours, but mine)

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Michael: Okay! Okay! Okay, okay! Just stop. [music stops] Stop. First of all, this is so inappropriate. Liz, you are the president of the company. And, Nadeen… you read my mind. In fact,

[singing] My mind is telling me no,
but my body, my body is telling me yes

[Michael and Nadeen star dancing. Liz is disappointed.]

Family Feud Time Travel Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Liza Minnelli… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Sasheer Zamata

Mick Jagger… Harry Styles

John Travolta… Jimmy Fallon

Kristen Stewart… Kate McKinnon

Gwen Stefani… Melissa Villaseñor

David Blaine… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Celebrity Family Feud, Time Travel edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in the stage]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Oh, yes. Yeah, okay, now. Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Time Travel edition. Here, we got stars from 2017 going up against stars from 1977. Now, you’re probably asking yourself, “How the hell did this time travel thing happen?” Here’s my answer. I don’t know. I come to work. I don’t ask no questions. Then they give me a check. And I go to one of the other four TV shows that I do made specially for black women taking a sick day. Alright, let’s meet our players. First up on the 1977 side, the actors from the movie Cabaret, is Liza Minnelli.

[Cut to Liza Minnelli.]

Liza Minnelli: Oh. Outlandish, the set! Look at this wall. It’s the most wonderful thing.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha. You know? It always feels like somebody just freed you from a bubble. Okay, next up, we got the original Beyonce, Ms. Diana Ross.

[Cut to Diana Ross]

Diana Ross: Thank you, Steve. Thank you all of you. My smile’s as big as my hair.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, yeah, I love your hair. But I feel bad for the 10 bald ladies somewhere in India right now. Next up, we got rock and roll legend, Mick Jagger.

[Cut to Mick Jagger]

Mick Jagger: Hello there, Steve. A lovely show. It’s a bit of fun in it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, man! I love the stones. I even love your latest stuff when you weren’t solo.

[Cut to Mick Jagger]

Mick Jagger: Solo? Um, why would anyone in successful band go solo? That is insane.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, some people do it. And finally, we got the star Saturday Night Fever, Mr. John Travolta.

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Thanks. This is like crazy. Can’t believe it. I like this game show, right. Like, the lights and everything is really crazy. Oh, my god.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you like if somebody taught a pizza how to talk. Okay, let’s go to team 2017. First up, we got actress from Twilight movies, Kristen Stewart.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Dude. I don’t know. I’m just like, so excited. I’m so honored to be here. I don’t know. Whatever.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you look like a witch cursed you not to smile but you’re trying anyway. Next, we got singer and judge on The Voice, Gwen Stefani.

[Cut to Gwen Stefani]

Gwen Stefani: What’s up? This is really cool to be here, Steve. Let me hear you holla back, girl.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, I can’t tell if you’re trying to be black or asian. Next, we got magician and all around creep show, David Blaine.

[Cut to David Blaine]

David Blaine: Uh! I’m so excited to be here. This is amazing.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you not going to do that thing where you puke up frogs, are you?

[Cut to David Blaine]

David Blaine: [raises his glass] No.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. And finally, we’ve got the start of the People vs O.J. Simpson, Mr. John Travolta.

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Oh, such a joyous thing. Specially you, the wonderfully talented Starvey Hivson.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wait a minute, there’s two of you. Man, this is freaky!

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Actually, it’s a beautiful, magical thing, Starvey. It’s a joyous thing. It’s the most interesting work I’ve done since my mini-series about O.J.

[Cut to Liza Minnelli]

Liza Minnelli: Oh! O.J. Simpson! Oh, I adore the ‘Juiced.’

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You might want to hold on for few years on that thing. Okay, let’s play the feud. Give me Liza, give me Kristen. Let’s do this.

[Liza Minnelli and Kristen Stewart walk front]

Liza Minnelli: Oh, my, look at you. You’re just– you’re a poor little orphan boy, but you’re so beautiful.

Steve Harvey: Okay, 100 people surveyed–

Liza Minnelli: 100 people! Oh, what a great crowd.

Steve Harvey: Lord, I know you brought this woman here to test me. Okay, top four answers on the board. Name something that keeps you up at night. [buzzer sound] Kristen.

Kristen Stewart: I don’t know, dude. I don’t know. I don’t know. I just like, I’m sleeping and I’m waiting for the next day coz I’m excited. I don’t know. Whatever. Whatever.

Steve Harvey: You almost said something that I can understand. I commend your poet. Show me some kind of mumbo-jumbo.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Nope, it’s not there. Liza, something that keeps you up at night.

Liza Minnelli: Oh, everything. Absolutely everything. But lately it’s been a terrible unqualified president Jimmy Carter. He’s just a peanut farm.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, I’m not going to tell her. Show me president Waka-doo!

[The answer is in second place]

Oh! Man! You know, what’s true then is even truer now.

[Steve Harvey walks to team 1977]

Okay, team 1977 has it. Let’s go to Diana Ross.

Diana Ross: [yelling] Thank you!

Steve Harvey: Something that keeps you up at night.

Diana Ross: Well, Steve, I have this terrible dream where I’m out in public and I look down, and I’m not wearing sequin.

Steve Harvey: Girl, you make crazy look good. Show me some kin of vodka hallucination.

[The answer is in fourth place]

Ay! Number four. Alright, let’s go to Mick Jagger. Something that keeps you up at night.

Mick Jagger: Um, well, um, if I’m up, it’s because I’ve got a little manky-panky. Ah!

Steve Harvey: I don’t know what you saying. But I know what you saying. Show me getting all kinds of nasty.

[The answer is in third place]

Alright, you got it. You got three. Final turn goes to young Travolta.

John Travolta: Well, it’s just like crazy. I gotta say, you know, what keeps me up night, it’s like, I’m afraid of getting older, you know? What’s gonna happen to my career? What’s gonna happen to Sandy? What’s gonna happen to my beautiful hair.

Steve Harvey: Well, young Travolta, I gotta tell. I bet 2017 John Travolta know a thing or two about that, right there. I think that you’ll be fine. As older man, you know you’ll have a long career. You’re gonna be doing lots of movies. Great movies. Ain’t that right, 2017 John Travolta?

John Travolta: Absolutely. John, you’re going to be fantastic. It’s about journey of life and how beautiful and joyous it is.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, you see that, young John Travolta? You gotta great career ahead of you. You ain’t got nothing to worry about. Okay, young Travolta? So, next time you worried about something, don’t be worried about it, right young Travolta?

John Travolta: Yes. I’m never gonna worry about it again. I feel so much better now. So I’m gonna say what keeps me up at night is this weird feeling that one day Nicholas Cage is gonna try to steal my place.

Steve Harvey: Yeah. I’d worry about that too. Show Nicholas Cage might steal your face.

[The answer is in the first place]

Oh! Number one answer. Alright, 1977 has it. Let’s go to commercial. When we come back, I’m gonna ask these 1977 people what they think the words ‘Barack Obama’ means. We’ll see ya. Y’all know what I mean.

Zoo-opolis Voice Actors

Kenan Thompson

Octavia Spencer

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Cleaner… Beck Bennett

[starts with Kenan briefing the voice actors about the project

Kenan: Alright, as you know we just completed the initial story board for TV movie Zoo-Opolis. It’s an animated film about a city that’ s full of animals.

Octavia: Is that like, Zootopia?

Kenan: Is that like, Zootopia? Who are you? My lawyer? Now, we need a scratch track for placeholders for all the voices so the animators have something to work with. Alright, first up, we’ve got the opening line of the film from Honey Bunny, voiced by Jennifer Lopez.

Melissa: I could try J-Lo’s lines.

Kenan: Okay, great. You can just read from the prompter. Whenever you’re ready.

[Melissa walks to the mic]

Melissa: [Speaking like Jennifer Lopez] You know, everyone says a rabbit can never be a lawyer, but they’re forgetting about Hopeas Corups, because I put the butt in rab-but, Zoo-Opolis. Yeah.

Kenan: Okay. Next up, we’ve got Bartleby. He’s a bumblebee voiced by Hugh Grant.

Alex: Um, I could take a crack of that.

Kenan: Alright, go for it.

[Alex walks to the mic]

Alex: [speaking like Hugh Grant] I um.. I would have brought flowers but um, you see, I’m too small. I’m terribly sorry. I must admit I’m a little buzzed. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Not bad. Alright. Well, we also have F’Heather the pigeon, voiced by Oprah Winfrey.

Octavia: Oh, I got this one. [Octavia walks to the mic] [talking like Oprah Winfrey] I love bread crumbs. I love bread crumbs and that’s a joy of wing-watchers. I still eat bread crumbs every day, and I have lost over two ounces. I love bread crumbs. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Perfect. That was perfect. Thank you very much. Alright, next up, we have Dane Daniel. And that’s a great dane voiced by Tracy Morgan. I can probably just throw that down real quick myself. [holds a mic] [clears his throat] [speaking like Tracy Morgan] I’ma put my peepee in a chihuahua and make it explode. Yeah, I think we got that. We got that pretty good. Um, we also have Sqwecily the squirrel voiced by Kristen Wiif.

Melissa: I can try that. [speaking like Kristen Wiig] I just got kicked out of my tree. Ha-ha. They told me I had to leave. I’m staying with my best friend, he is an acorn. Ha-ha. Sorry, I know I seem a little nuts right now, I just opened a can of nuts and a snake jumped out. Ha-ha. Then I looked at the lael and it said, ‘Can of snakes.’ Ha-ha. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Thank you. We also have a kangaroo voiced by Viola Davis whose name is Viola G’Day-Vis.

Octavia: I got this one. [speaking like Viola Davis] I am not just a kangaroo. I am Viola Davis as a kangaroo. And I will exhume the body from my pouch, Denzel.

Kenan: Such a powerful speech. Thank you. Alright, we just have a few quick lines left. Who ever wants to just jump in and go for it. Kathy Griffin as penguin.

Melissa: [speaking like Kathy Griffin] Okay, here is the deal. I just hang out of my igloo. I invited few polar bears over. Yes, they’re gay.

Kenan: Alright. An old beaver named Dame Judi Dentures.

Octavia: Sixty years of acting and this is the first time I’m showing my Beaver.

Kenan: Oh, boy! Next, NBA commentator Bill Walton as moose

Alex: [speaking like Bill Walton] Oh my god!  I love the bulls and I love the bucks. Gosh, they have a promising future. Slam dunk. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Right. Um, Jodie Foster as a hummingbird.

Octavia: [speaking like Jodie Foster] We meet again, doctor nectar. I’m agent starling like the bird.

Kenan: And then we have Julia Louis Dreyfus as a bat.

Melissa: [speaking like Julia Louis Dreyfus] You know, I’m a bat. So, yeah.

Kenan: No, I”m sorry I misread that. The bat is actually Owen Wilson.

Melissa: [speaking like Owen Wilson] Oh, well, well, yeah. I’m a bat, yeah.

Kenan: No, no. Sorry, I really misread it. The bat is Kate McKinnon.

Melissa: [speaking like Kate McKinnon] Hey, hey, I”m a bat. Okay? Yeah.

Kenan: Okay. And, finally, the last line of the movie is Javier Bardem as wise old owl. [voice actors are looking at each other] Nobody? Nobody has a Javier Bardem?

[Cleaner walks in]

Cleaner: Hey, um, I can give it a try. Alright, here we go. [speaking like Javier Bardem] Every animal must have sex, hmm? Money has sex wit ha turtle. You know? A gopher has sex with a parrot. And the best part is that they never have to wear a condom. Alright!

Kenan: Alright, well, that was extremely off script. Do you even work here?

Cleaner: Um, no.

Sticky Bun

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kelsey… Vanessa Bayer

Scott… Mikey Day

Jackie… Octavia Spencer

Kat… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Cecily briefing the trainees]

Cecily: Hey guys, it’s the last phase of your training. After this, you’ll be able to start working shifts at Sticky Bun. Holla! So, today we’ll be doing mock customer transactions, to get a feel for a typical shift.

Beck: This is Kelsey, the actress who will be playing our customer. Anything we might have seen you in, Kelsey?

Kelsey: Um, let me think? No.

Cecily: Cool. Alright. Um, Scott, how about you take the register? Jackie on prep and Kat on pickup counter.

Beck: Alright! just use the stuff we went over in the handbook. Okay? You’re going to be fine. You ready, Scott?

Scott: Hell, yeah!

Beck: Ah! That’s what I like to hear, bud. Go for it.

Kelsey: [acting like a customer] Hi, there.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Will you eat?

Kelsey: What?

Beck: Hey, Scott, don’t start like that. Remember, greet the customer and try to make a personal connection. Ask them how their day is going? How they’re doing. Something that shows you care.

Scott: Right! Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Are your both parents still alive?

Kelsey: I’m sorry?

Beck: Try a different question, Scott.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. How old were you when you first lost your virginity?

Beck: Hey, Scott, forget the question, bud. Say something nice and take her order.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Merry Christmas. Will you eat?

Beck: Alright. You know what Scott? Why don’t you take a breather. Let’s switch it up. Jackie, you want to give register a shot?

Jackie: Yes sir, I do. I know that manual front to back and I’ve been practicing in my mirror all week.

Cecily: Hey! Now that’s a Sticky Bun attitude. Go for it.

Kelsey: [acting like a customer] Hi, there.

Jackie: Go away, we’re closed.

Kat: [speaking in mic] Attention Sticky Bun customers, we are closing early for the Christmas Holiday.

Cecily: No. Guys, guys, it’s not Christmas. And Jackie, we are not closed.

Jackie: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I panicked.  It’s different when talking to a real person and not myself in the mirror.

Cecily: Well, that’s why we do this. Alright, just start again, please.

Jackie: Ley, lady, what will you eat?

Kelsey: Um, what do you recommend on the menu?

Jackie: I don’t eat here. This food is trash.

Cecily: Oh, Jackie! You know what? Don’t tell customers our foo is trash. Just remember, personal connection. Alright? Ask her a question.

Jackie: Right. Right. Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Do you like being white?

Kelsey: I’m– I’m sorry, should I answer that?

Cecily: Nope. Please don’t actually. Why is this friendly question throwing everyone off? Just ask her how her day is going.

Jackie: Well, I know the answer. Not good. She’s alone in a Sticky Bun on Christmas.

Beck: You know what? How about we give Kat a shot at the register? And things to remember, we’re open, the food isn’t trash, and it’s not Christmas.

Kat: Welcome to Sticky Bun. What will you eat?

Kelsey: Um, can I– Can I have a classic sticky bun and a milk?

Jackie: Sticky bun and a cold cow piss, coming up.

Kat: Okay, name for the order?

Kelsey: Kelsey.

Kat: Oh, wow. I had a teacher Ms. Kelsey.

Beck: Nice, Kat.

Kat: Yeah, sophomore year, the janitor found her dead in her car. That will be $5.15, please.

Jackie: [speaking in mic] One Sticky Bun and a cold cow piss for Kelsey.

[Kelsey takes her order]

Kelsey: Thank you.

Scott: You’re welcome. I love you.

Beck: Alright. Let’s cut it there. We did it. And Kelsey, nice perk here, you can eat that Sticky Bun if you want.

Kelsey: No, thank you.

Cecily: Alright. So, lots to unpack here. Scott, don’t tell customers you love them.

Scott: Okay, um, do you have a pen and paper?

Beck: Um, you shouldn’t have to write that down. Jackie, please don’t refer to the milk as cow piss.

Jackie: Sorry, that’s what we call it in my house.

Cecily: And Kat. Don’t tell customers stories about dead people.

Kat: I’ll try.

Cecily: Nope, that’s required. Okay? Oh, guys, and let’s do, “Can I take your order”, instead of “Will you eat?”

Jackie: So, we have to know, are we Sticky Bun material?

Beck: Well, normally, we recommend another week of training, at least. But this is an airport. So grab a timecard and get to work!