Tag: Melissa Villaseñor

Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Christmas Cards

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Alex getting back home from work]

Melissa: Hey, sweetie, how was work?

Alex: Oh, baby. Incredible. Incredible. We had a great meeting about some exciting emerging markets with growth potential. You want to hear the deeds?

Melissa: No thanks. But look what I did. I put up all our Christmas cards on the fridge. What’s festive, right?

Alex: Yeah. Wow. We got a lot of cards this year. Man. We know a lot of people, huh?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a family with many kids]

Mikey: People like me, your super white, super Christian neighbor. Here on the beach with my wife and our army of blonde children. All in matching white shirts and jeans.

Chloe: And yes, this is the seventh Christmas card in a row I’ve been pregnant. I’m never not pregnant.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a white woman and a black man. The woman is pregnant.]

Heidi: Did someone use the word pregnant? I am too. I’m your cousin who’s made pregnancy my entire personality. I started planning this Christmas card as I was peeing on the pregnancy tests.

Chris: And I’m the husband whose name you will never learn. As you can see my eyes, I’m not that into this card concept but she is. I wasn’t given a choice.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture a man who has hunted a deer]

Pete: Speaking of cousins, I’m your cousin from Wisconsin. Merry Christmas for me and this animal I killed.

Alex: Man everybody looks so happy but I don’t recognize her though.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a black woman]

Donna: Happy holidays from Dr. Donna Woods of smile time dental partners. You are two years late for your six months cleaning.

Melissa: I’ll go and COVID’s over. Oh, did you see Pearson Leonard’s card?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a gay couple]

Pearson: Of course, you di. It’s stunning.

Kenan: Stunning.

Pearson: What else would you expect from the well off middle aged gay couple your wife is friends with? As usual, we’re dressed to the nines and holding our gross old little dog you cannot believe is still alive.

Alex: Oh my god, that rat dog of theirs is still alive? How?

Kenan: Simple, hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical procedures. That’s how. All of which the vet prefaced with? I mean, what are we gaining? Two, three months at the most?

Alex: Wait, is that your friend Ruth with Miley Cyrus? Are they friends?

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a black woman with Miley Cyrus]

Ruth: No, we are not. For what better way to remind you that I met a celebrity at a restaurant 11 months ago than with my Christmas card?

Miley Cyrus: This woman came up to my table and said, “You’re Anna Montana”, and then said that she hated my music.

Ruth: I’m just being honest. It’s not for me.

Miley Cyrus: She asked for a photo and implied that if I didn’t take it, it was because I was racist.

Ruth: That’s true. And I use that a lot.

Miley Cyrus: So, I took the picture. So, I guess Merry Christmas from Miley and…

Ruth: You don’t know my name? You racist.

Melissa: Man Ruth is so cool. She’s friends with famous people. Oh, by the way, who’s Barbara Jacobs again?

Alex: That’s one of my mom’s friends.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a woman in her snorkeling suit]

Barbara: Happy holidays for me. Your mom’s single friend who’s looked 52 years old since you were a baby. You’re now the drill. Every year my Christmas card is a picture of me alone on a crazy ass vacation. Last year I was on top of a mountain. This year I’m snorkeling off the coast of a volcano. What’s my deal? Am I a lesbian or a wealthy widow? You don’t care enough to ask your mom so y’all never know.

Alex: Wait. Who’s that in the pajamas?

Melissa: That’s Harper. We went to high school together.

Alex: Oh, and you guys were friends?

Melissa: Yeah.

[Cut to a card where there’s a picture of a woman and a man and a boy wearing same shirt]

Harper: No, we weren’t. I made her life a living hell. What’s new with me? Let’s see. Still a bitch. Still richer than her and still married to my handsome yet boring husband who cheats on me?

Husband: Ha-ha-ha. I do cheat on her a lot.

Harper: What else? Oh, my son is 15 now. He’s growing into a fine young INCEL.

Boy: It’s a girl’s faults that I’m not cool.

Harper: And if our matching pajamas don’t make you hate us, flip the card for a long braggy list of what our family did this year.

Husband: Spoiler alert. We moved into a huge house on the lake.

Boy: I don’t like the lake because you have to wear swim trunks and I’m at the part of puberty where I look like a newborn giraffe.

Harper: Even though you think I’m a tacky fake bitch, I know that my Christmas cards make you jealous. And I love that I still have that power over you. So, Happy Holidays, tampon girl. That’s what I called your wife in high school.

Alex: Wow, Harper seems real nice. Hey, thanks for doing this babe. You know, I love that we can just see all of our friends and family just by walking into the kitchen.

[phone notification ring]

Melissa: Oh, oh no. Leonard’s dog is going into surgery again.

Kenan: Tthoughts and prayers for our beloved Pablo. He needs a new spine.

Pearson: It’s gonna cost $150,000 But how can you say no to this thing?

Pastor Announcement

Harold… Kenan Thompson

Pastor… Jonathan Majors

Carolyn… Ego Nwodim

Corinne… Aidy Bryant

Christine… Melissa Villaseñor

George… Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Pastor at a church podium]

Harold: You get what you give
and it’s all how you use it

[Pastor and Carolyn walk forward]

Pastor: Wow. Wow. Thank you, Herold, for that beautiful rendition of god is a DJ by P.

Carolyn: Um-hmm. And it’s our honor and pleasure to welcome you to the first damn Baptist Church.

Pastor: I am Pastor JR Jr. and this is my wife Carolyn. We’re so glad to be with you today.

Carolyn: And it’s so good to see you again, sister Corinne. You’re looking much better.

Corinne: Thank you. I had a facelift.

Pastor: Now, the First Lady and I have an announcement because we have no secrets in this church. Can I get an Amen?

All: Amen.

Carolyn: Now, we have shared 24 beautiful years of marriage. And also last year. Can I get an oh no?

All: Oh, no.

Pastor: That’s right. Till death do us part. And since I can’t kill this woman, I have decided that we are going to open up our marriage.

Carolyn: That’s right. Hallelu-we-are open for business.

Pastor: And it’s hard. It’s hard to talk about in front of the congregation, not because it’s wrong, but because we are only romantically interested in some of you.

Carolyn: Those people have already been notified via perfumed invitation. If you did not receive an invitation. I’m sorry, it’s gonna be a no for me, dog.

Harold: Well, what the hell is wrong with me?

Pastor: Harold, I’m sorry. We just don’t see you that way.

Harold: Well, I am shocked.

Christine: I’m excited to maybe date you guys. So how will this work?

Pastor: We’ll be on many apps. For example, Tinder.

Carolyn: Grindr.

Pastor: Hinge.

Carolyn: Google Earth.

Pastor: Angie’s List.

Carolyn: Coffee Meets Penis.

Pastor: And anyone can invite us to Raya, please do.

Harold: Well, I’m on Raya.

Carolyn: No, you’re not, Harold.

Harold: You right.

George: I have a question. Um, open marriage? Is that what I have?

Pastor: No, George, you are just cheating on your wife.

George: Well, do you think she knows?

Punkie: Well, I do now.

Pastor: If you’re wondering where all this came from, we were talking about our hall passes, and she said hers was Barack Obama.

Carolyn: Then he said his list Travis who sings bass in the church choir.

Pastor: And she said, “You know what? I want to change mine to Travis.”

Travis: Wait. I’m Travis.

Carolyn: Correct. It’s something about you. You’re weird, but in a sexy way.

Travis: Aw. Amen.

Pastor: I’m shocked. You’re also engaged right now because certainly some of us are preaching and I don’t get a “Yes, Pastor”, not a “Amen, Pastor.”

Christine: [wearing her lipstick] Yes, Pastor.

Pastor: Christine. Did you just put on a bunch of lipstick?

Christine: That depends. Do you like it?

Carolyn: Now, what are y’all even doing?

Corinne: [showing her cleavage] Well, my shirt fell down.

George: [showing his stomach] My shirt rolled up.

Carolyn: Alright. Now, y’all just being thirsty.

Pastor: Don’t throw it at us. Why don’t you go around and tell us why you think you should be our first.

Harold: [standing] Alright.

Carolyn: Harold, you wanna sit your ass down.

Pastor: We value your friendship too much.

Harold: I know what that means. Friendzoned by my pastor.

Pastor: You know, actually before y’all answer, why don’t we tell you what we’re into. So, here’s a list of the role plays we enjoy. Doctor-nurse.

Carolyn: Girl dog-boy dog.

Pastor: Baseball manager and umpire in a fight.

Carolyn: Jenna and Hodor.

Corinne: But, do you mean Hoda?

Carolyn: I sure don’t.

Pastor: Now, in terms of lovemaking.

Carolyn: Positions we enjoy include missionary. List is over. You have to know we are pastors.

Harold: You sure? Coz I’ve got these nimble organ fingers.

Carolyn: Harold, shut your ass up. You have one job, play the organ.

Harold: One day I’m gonna walk out that door and you are going to miss this.

Carolyn: No. Alright. Well, we got to go ahead and wrap this up. We’ve got our first date with a nice lady who works at a chicken fillet. And today his holiday off it’s Sunday.

Pastor: Can I get my freak on?

All: Freak on! Amen.

Cancelling Cable

Brad Herman… Kieran Culkin

Mateus… Mikey Day

Tanya… Aidy Bryant

Donna… Ego Nwodim

Tina… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Adam… Kyle Mooney

Marcy… Melissa Villaseñor

Sarah Sherman

Spectrum… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Brad Herman packing things up. His phone is ringing.]

Brad Herman: [answering the phone] Yes, hello.

Female voice: This is a callback request from spectrum cable. Please hold for a representative.

Mateus: Hi there. This is Mateus with spectrum cable. Is this Brad Herman.

Brad Herman: Yeah. Hi.

Mateus: Hi. And what can I help you with today, Mr. Herman?

Brad Herman: I just need to cancel my cable.

Mateus: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Before we begin, would you like to add a telephone landline to your current package for Brad HermanMateus.99 a month?

Brad Herman: No, I’m good. I just need to cancel the cable. I tried to do it online. But they said I had to call.

Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. May I ask the reason for the cancellation?

Brad Herman: My girlfriend and I broke up and I’m moving out.

Mateus: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Your relationship fell apart, Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman, may I ask the cause of the breakup?

Brad Herman: No, that’s personal.

Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. Please write down this reference number in case we get disconnected. Do you have a pen and paper handy?

Brad Herman: No, not really.

Mateus: Wonderful, Mr. Herman. The number is 7-B as in boy, F as in five, G as in 5G, six as n six boys. Thank you. Please hold for a cancellation agent.

Female voice: Your call is important to us and will be answered in the order that we feel like.

Tanya: Hi, this is Tanya. For security purposes, can you tell me the 42 digit customer pin number that came on your first bill?

Brad Herman: My first bill? The one I got six years ago? I don’t have that.

Tanya: Oh, not a problem. We can use one of your security questions. What city did your mom lose her virginity in?

Brad Herman: That’s disgusting. I don’t want to talk about that.

Tanya: Well and that is what you answered. Okay. Alright, so when is a good time for a Spectrum technician to come install your new landline?

Brad Herman: Never I don’t want a landline. I just want to cancel my cable.

Tanya: Of course. I’ll transfer you to cancellations. I’ve been Tanya.

Female voice: Wi Fi trouble? Try unplugging your router and spitting in it.

Donna: This is Donna with Spectrum. Just to confirm it says here you’re looking to pay more money for less channels?

Brad Herman: No Why would I want that?

Donna: I’m not sure sir. That’s why I asked. How dare I, right? Pissing me off. Hold please.

Female voice: Due to higher than normal call volume, your call will not be answered. Goodbye.

[dead tone]

Brad Herman: Oh my god! [phone ringing] Yeah, hello.

Tina: Hi, Mr. Herman. This is Tina with Spectrum. How are you this afternoon?

Brad Herman: Honestly not great. How are you?

Tina: [sobbing] I’m not great either, actually. Pretty much falling apart and I’m sorry. Please hold. Thank you for choosing Spectrum.

Female voice: Doing No Nut November? Spectrums got you covered with the selection of sex and nudity free movies on demand.

Brad Herman: No Nut November?

Kenan: Ay, what colors do house man?

Brad Herman: I’m sorry.

Kenan: Yeah, this is the Spectrum tech. I’m on your street to install your landline and I can’t find your house.

Brad Herman: No, I don’t know how this landline thing got started but I do not want one.

Kenan: Oh no, no, it’s too late to change your mind, man. It’s too late.

Female voice: Like basketball, our game day sports upgrade gets you the NBA network and 85 Spanish language soccer channels.

Adam: Hello. Oh hi. My name is Adam and I’m a Customer Service Rep. How are you?

Brad Herman: Not good, you know. I’m very close to being triggered.

Adam: Very cool. Let me pull up your account. The heck? It’s like my computer’s being crazy right now. Let me just connect you to someone else. Sorry about that.

[pizza delivery boy answers the phone]

Andrew: Domino’s Pizza. Interested in trying our new Santa bread dippers?

Brad Herman: Domino’s? Are you kidding me? They transfered me to Domino’s?

Andrew: Who? Spectrum? Yeah, they do this all the time. I’ll transfer you to a cancellations rep.

Brad Herman: Oh god, thank you. You’ve honestly been the most competent person I’ve talked to you today.

Andrew: That’s crazy because I’m high as hell.

Female voice: One premium channels without premium prices, not gonna happen. We’d lose a ton of money.

Marcy and Sarah: Hi there, Mr. Herman.

Sarah: [laughing] Oh my god, Marcy. We both answered the same call. Ha-ha.

Marcy: We’re so crazy.

Sarah: Sorry about that. I’ll hop off.

Marcy: Me too.

Brad Herman: Don’t both hop off. No.

Marcy and Sarah: Hold please.

Female voice: Have a question about your bill? Ask your husband to explain it to you.

Brad Herman: Wow.

Mateus: Hi, Mr. Herman. It’s Mateus.

Brad Herman: Dude! Dude! I’m about to lose it, okay? And guess what? It happened? Okay? I am triggered, okay? That’s right. I’m triggered. So, the next person that you transfer me to better have the power to cancel my cable.

Mateus: Are you sure?

Brad Herman: Yes, Brad Herman,000% yes.

Mateus: Very well. I’ll transfer you.

[transfers to the AI]

Brad Herman: Yes. Hi, who is this?

Spectrum: I am Spectrum, the source, the Nexus, the provider.

Brad Herman: Okay, can you cancel my cable?

Spectrum: There is nothing I cannot do. For I am made of pure data.

Brad Herman: Great, then cancel my cable.

Spectrum: Can I insist you in six months of free Disney plus?

Brad Herman: No, just cancel it.

Spectrum: As you wish. Enjoy your new spectrum landline.

Brad Herman: No. I’m not getting a landline.

[Kenan is standing beside Brad Herman]

Kenan: Yes, you are, man. Where do you want me to put the landline?

Science Room with Jason Sudeikis

Mr. Teacher… Jason Sudeikis

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

Father… Kyle Mooney

Mother… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with the show intro]

Female voice: The PBS learning afternoon. Up next, an all new science room.

[cut to Mr. Teacher standing in front of a huge periodic table]

Mr. Teacher: You know, I don’t study this table all the time. Just periodically. Hey there, future scientists. Welcome to the Science Room. I’m your host Mr. Teacher and today I’m being joined by two junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh. How are you guys doing today?

Josh: Good.

Lonnie: Bad.

[They both are acting awkward]

Mr. Teacher: Hey, don’t worry. I’m nervous too. Okie, dokie. So, today, we are learning gravity.  [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. And to do so, we are going to use this model. [Mr. Teacher picks up a solar system model. Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. Now, who knows what this is?

Lonnie: Balls.

Mr. Teacher: Um, yes, they are. But this is actually a model of our solar system. And these aren’t just balls. They’re actually planets. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] You know, I love your enthusiasm but you guys don’t have to clap after everything I say. Okay? Now, Josh, can you point the planet earth on this model? [Josh points at the sun] No, no, Josh. That’s the sun. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, don’t clap Lonnie. Stop, stop. Remmeber? Josh is wrong here. We’re not applauding anymore. Right? Let’s remember that. Lonnie, why don’t you help Josh out? Why don’t you please point to planet earth? [Lonnie holds the sun] No, did you not just see? No. Look, earth is right here. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, no. Stop. Stop.

Lonnie: Sorry.

Mr. Teacher: No, don’t apologize. Just don’t do it anymore. Then you don’t have to apologize. You don’t do it, you don’t apologize.

Josh: Okay.

Mr. Teacher: Okay, good. Okay, now gravity is the principle that all things with mass are attracted to one another. And gravity is– [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the solar system model] Don’t mess with them. Don’t mess with them. You don’t have to mess with them. Gravity is what makes our planets– No, stop. Stop touching it. It makes our planets orbit around the sun. Knock it off, okay? Stop! They orbit around the sun because– I swear to god! Because sun is a large– Okay, you know what? Stop! How about this? Let’s do this. Let’s just name some of the planets, okay? Now this one right here, what’s this?

Lonnie: A ball.

Mr. Teacher: No, Lonnie. No. Remember they’re planets, okay? Remember? Okay? This is planet…

Lonnie: Hollywood?

Mr. Teacher: No. Josh. It’s next to the sun. It’s very hot.

Josh: Oh. Phoenix?

Mr. Teacher: No. That’s a city in Arizona.

Josh: Oh, Tempi?

Mr. Teacher: No, forget it. Okay? You know what? Let’s just move on. Are you guys okay? Like, emotionally? Everything okay? [Lonnie an Josh nod their heads] Alright. Just checking. Let’s talk about gravity’s relationship with matter. Josh, what is matter?

Josh: Nothing, I’m good.

Mr. Teacher: No, no, no. Josh. I didn’t ask what’s the matter. I asked what is matter?

Josh: Um, black lives?

Mr. Teacher: No! No, no, no.

Lonnie: All lives?

Mr. Teacher: No. Not all lives. No! Matter is any substance that takes up space.

Lonnie: Oh, like the balls?

Mr. Teacher: No! Not like the balls. They’re not balls. Okay, stop it. Just ignore the balls.

Lonnie: My sister said you should never ignore the balls.

Mr. Teacher: Don’t. Don’t.

Lonnie: My sister said the guy likes it.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. Okay? Stop. Don’t say that. Okay, alright. You know what? Let’s do this. Let’s just move on. We’re gonna do a little experiment to illustrate gravity.

Lonnie: Oh, more balls.

Josh: Yeah.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. No. Look, this is– If I let go of this metal ball right here, what will happen? It will fall…

Josh: In love?

Mr. Teacher: Go to hell. Go to hell, Josh. No. If I drop this heavy ass metal ball, it will drop…

Lonnie: It like it’s hot?

Mr. Teacher: Guys! If I let go of this thing, it will smash…

Josh: That subscribe button?

Mr. Teacher: That’s enough! [throws the ball] Who is in charge of you two? Who is in charge of these two kids? You two, come here. Get out here. Come here. Right here.

[Father and Mother walk in] Who are you?

Father: I’m Josh’s father.

Mr. Teacher: Josh’s father. Okay, well, guess what, sir? You have done a horrible job. Shame on you. You hear me? Yeah. Say you’re sorry. Say it.

Father: I’m sorry.

Mr. Teacher: Alright. Thank you. And who are you, lady?

Mother: I’m Lony’s mom, Lisa.

Mr. Teacher: Lony? I’ve been calling her Lonnie the whole damn time. Lony? You didn’t speak up for yourself? Your name is Lony? Okay, well Lisa, you failed as a mother in every way with this child. Every possible way. Now both of ya, scram! Get the hell out of here. Let’s go. Let’s go. Lisa, let’s go. Beat it. No, not in front of the camera, you jack ass. Move, dummy! Go away! I will kick your ass. Get out of here.

 

Annie

Annie… Melissa Villaseñor

Golly… Cecily Strong

Ricky… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the feel good orphan musical, Annie.

[Annie arrives at her new home]

Annie: Wow, wee. I can’t believe this is Mr. Warbuck’s house. It’s so much bigger than the orphanage.

Golly: Well, Mr. Warbucks is the richest man in America. But it’s not just his house anymore, Annie. Now, it’s your house too. And I may be getting ahead of myself but…

[singing] I think you’re gonna like it here

[house cleaners and helpers walk in dancing]

Annie: Golly, who are all these people?

Golly: Staff of course. They’re here to meet your every need.

Ms. May will clean up all your toys.

Ms. May: Make as big of a mess as you want.

Golly: Ms. Fink will make your bed each day.

Ms. Fink: It will be my pleasure.

Golly: Chef Pat is here to cook your meals.

Chef Pat: I’m thinking Lobster Thermidor.

Golly: And we don’t know what Ricky does.

Ricky: Ay, look. I can’t talk about it. Alright? Go someone else.

Golly: Ms. Fin will teach you how to read.

Ms. Fin: You’ll be excellent student.

Golly: Ms. Cob will teach you how to write.

Ms. Cob: You’ll be in shape in no time.

Ricky: And I’m not a creep or anything like that
Hey, welcome to the mansion. Have a tootsie roll.

Annie: I think I’m gonna like it here. Thanks, mister.

Golly: No, no, no. Don’t eat that. What are you doing?

Ricky: I don’t know. I got worried that the kid would think I’m a creep or somthing.

Golly: So you gave her candy from your pocket?

Ricky: Yeah. Look, kid, there’s a simple reason I can’t sing about what I do for Mr. Warbucks. Okay? And the reason is it’s illegal.

Annie: What’s illegal?

Ricky: Has he got money? Not much. You know. Anyway, I’ll get out of her.

Golly: Yeah, please do.

Ms. May will teach you how to swim

Annie: Ms. May?

Ms. May: I clean and swim.

Golly: Ms. Fink will comb your hair each night.

Annie: You will?

Ms. Fink: Yeah, whatever. But you know, since it came up, I would like some answers about what you do here, Ricky.

Ricky: Ah, sweetheart, let’s let sleeping dogs lie, yes?

Ms. Fink: No, no, no. We’ve been intimate with each other. For three, four last time. So talk.

Ricky: I mean, no. Come on. Let’s keep the focus on Amy.

Golly: No. Her name is Annie.

Ricky: Nobody cares, okay? Look, guys, it’s no big deal, okay? Mr. Warbucks and some of his rich friends have a little club, right? Okay? And I provide a service for that club, and in return he pays me 20,000 Gs a week.

Golly: What?

Ms. May: Good god. What the hell kind of club is this, Ricky?

Ricky: It’s nothing. Anyway, [singing] I think you’re gonna love this house.

Let the kid sing. Go on, Amy. Sing.

Annie: Used to room in a tomb, where I’d sit and freeze
look me now, holy cow–

Golly: [interrupting] Sorry, Annie, to break in. I think we’re all uncomfortable. We’d like to know more about this club and what you do for them.

Ricky: Christ! Okay, here’s how it is. Mr. Warbucks and his pals get together every month and have a ceremony where they eat a very rare, very expensive type of meat. I provide that meat.

Annie: Oh god. Are they eating–

Ricky: No, no, no. It’s not what you think, okay? It’s people. They’re already gone, okay? When I get them. Alright? And their families are paid very handsomely for their troubles.

Chef Pat: That’s what I’ve been cooking? I thought that was pork.

Annie: Pork? Yummy! I’d sure like to try that.

Golly: No, no, no.

Ricky: Amy, that’s not for you. Okay. Finish up the song. It’s a great song. I love it.

Golly: Okay. Thank you. Okay. We will.

Golly: We’ve never had a little girl.

Ricky: And neither has Warbucks and his pals, okay? He’s never eaten a kid, okay? All he’s eaten is adult meat. It’s part of a ritual.

All: We have but one request

Ricky: Don’t look in the freezer

All: I think you’re gonna like it her

[Mr. Warbucks walks in]

Mr. Warbucks: My home is your home, Annie. Are we all set for the feast, Ricky?

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Mr. Warbucks: And what will we be eating?

Ricky: Your choice, sir. Italian or Greek?

Mr. Warbucks: Let’s have both. Right this way, gentlemen.

[Four adults wearing masks walk in]

Superhosts

Melissa Villaseñor

Brad… Mikey Day

Lexi… Cecily Strong

Tobi… Rami Malek

[Starts with Melissa and Brad getting inside their Airbnb apartment]

Melissa: Wow, babe. This Airbnb is really nice.

Brad: Yeah, it is. I love all the exposed beams and tongue-and-groove woodwork.

Melissa: Brad, you’re straight, right?

Brad: Ha-ha.

Melissa: No, seriously. I just need to hear you say it once.

[Lexi and Rami walk in]

Lexi: Hi. Knock knock.

Rami: Hello.

Lexi: Hi. It’s your Airbnb hosts. I’m Lexi.

Rami: And I’m Tobi with an I.

Melissa: Oh, we didn’t know you were coming by.

Lexi: Yeah. We just want to make sure you got in okay.

Rami: Or if you need recommendations on where to go on the area like outside, or in here. I just wanted you to be happy.

Brad: Oh, cool. Yeah, I think we’re good so far.

Rami: We’re trying to become super hosts.

Lexi: Yeah, yeah, it’s an Airbnb thing. If you get enough great reviews, you get a little badge on your profile.

Rami: And people see the badge and they go, “Ooh! They got a badge!”

Melissa: Well, so far everything is great.

Rami: Oh, good. And I hope it’s okay but we looked at your Instagram and we saw a picture of you eating pizza, so we got you guys one.

Lexi: Yes! And it’s pepperoni, like in the picture.

Brad: Yeah! I guess so. Yeah! Cool.

Rami: We also saw another picture where you had a little psoriasis. So, we got you this medicated body wash.

Melissa: Oh, okay.

Lexi: Yeah. Also, I saw in one of your posts you had a blue shirt. So, we got you these blue pants.

Brad: Okay.

Rami: Well, they’re actually for both of you.

Melissa: Oh, we’ll be sure to both wear these.

Lexi: Sorry. We just– We want you to love the house as much as we do.

Rami: Yeah. This is where we lost our virginity at each other.

Brad: I’m sorry. ‘At’ each other? How long have you guys lived here?

Rami: A week. And after you guys check out, we’re gonna try again.

Lexi: It really hurt him.

Rami: It was hell of painful. For me.

Melissa: Well, thank you so much for everything, but we’re kind of tired.

Rami: Oh, okay. That is definitely code for “Get these serial killers out of here so we can start our own vacation”.

Lexi: [to Rami] We’re not serial killers. Don’t tell them we’re serial killers. You’re scaring them, Josh.

Brad: Oh. Weren’t you Tobi with an I?

Rami: Ha-ha. Anyway, if you have any questions at all, just call us.

Melissa: Yeah, I do have one question. What is that painting on the mantel. [There’s nude painting of Melissa and Brad on the wall]

Lexi: Oh, of your bodies?

Brad: Yeah! The one of us and our exposed bodies.

Rami: Ah! That was supposed to be your checkout gift.

Lexi: Oh, sorry, we’re trying to get that badge.

Melissa: And you did a nude of our dog too? [there’s a picture of a dog on the wall]

Brad: Oh my god!

Rami: Yeah you’re welcome.

Lexi: Oh, and guys, just FYI, the wifi here isn’t great, so we left you some porno mags in the bathroom.

Rami: Yeah, and don’t you worry. They’re the kind you like.

Lexi: Yeah. If you need anything else at all, just call us like this…

Lexi and Rami: [yelling] Hey you guys!

Brad: Alright. Please leave.

Lexi: I’m sorry. You know what? We just really want to be super hosts. Okay, how can we make it up to you?

Rami: Oh, should I play guitar while you unpack?

Brad: Oh, no, no. That’s fine.

Melissa: Well, we can hear a little bit.

Rami: Oh, that’s so nice of you. [gets a guitar then thinks] Oh no, I forgot how. Sorry.

Brad: Okay. I think we got it from here.

Lexi: Oh! Last thing, there’s fresh sheets in the closet for two days from now.

Brad: What do you mean two days from now?

Rami: Oh, we just know how you guys are always too tired for sex on the first night of vacation. So, you get really nasty the next night.

Brad: Dude! What the hell! How do you guys know this?

Lexi: From Instagram.

Brad: We don’t post that on Instagram.

Rami: Well, we infer based on your faces in previous vacation photos. You smile way more on day three.

Brad: My god. Why are you guys doing this?

Rami: Ah! Okay, fine. You want the truth? We saw you on Instagram a month ago and we thought you were cool.

Lexi: We were on the hashtag for #pizza and we saw your pepperoni pizza posts and thought you’d make good friends.

Rami: So, we sold our house and we built this one to make it an Airbnb.

Brad: Why didn’t you just rent your old place.

Lexi: Ha-ha-ha.

Rami: You see? This is exactly why we need you guys around.

Lexi: To keep us from doing stupid stuff.

Melissa: It’s okay, guys. I actually think it’s pretty sweet. We’ve never had anyone do a painting of us and that’s worth five stars in my book.

Rami: Wow.

Lexi: Thank you.

Rami: Speaking of book, don’t forget to sign our guest book.

Brad: Yeah, of course. [opens the guest book] It just says “Run”.

Lexi and Rami: Yeah, we’re serial killers.

[Lexi and Rami raise their fists]

Lexi: Oh, no. We forgot our knives.

Rami: We’re so bad at this.

Lexi: You guys, stay right there. We’ll be right back. Don’t move.

Celeb School Game Show

Bert Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Trishelle… Punkie Johnson

Ryan… Andrew Dismukes

John Oliver… Mikey Day

Jennifer Coolidge… Chloe Fineman

Adam Driver… James Austin Johnson

Kristen Wiig… Melissa Villaseñor

George Takei… Bowen Yang

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Pete Davidson… Rami Malek

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Celeb School with your host Bert Simpson.

[Cut to the show]

Bert Simpson: Hey, folks. I’m Bert Simpson, Bert Simpson. And you know the game. Two contestants try to win $10000 with a help from our classroom of celebs. Playing today are Trishelle and Ryan.

Ryan: Oh, wait. Are we not going to do intro banter?

Bert Simpson: Oh, no. You two are boring. Okay, from “Last Week Tonight”, it’s John Oliver.

John Oliver: Game shows. America’s dirty little obsession. Give me more game shows, daddy. More please.

Bert Simpson: Okay. From “White Lotus”, Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez. Why am I here? I don’t know anything. Gosh!

Bert Simpson: Next, an actor who’s voice sounds like it’s been changed to protect his identity, Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Hello. Excited to be here.

Bert Simpson: Well, you could have fooled me. We’ve also got funny lady Kristen Wiig

Kristen Wiig: Hey. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Mr. Host man. Ha-ha-ha. Dumb. Why? Why did I say that?

Bert Simpson: Star Trek legend, George Takei.

George Takei: Hello.

Bert Simpson: George, I gotta ask. Are you gonna say it?

George Takei: That depends on how bad you want it.

Bert Simpson: Oh, very bad.

George Takei: Oh, my!

Bert Simpson: There it is! Okay, next to him we have rapper Lil’ Wayne.

Lil’ Wayne: Ahah! I like to vibe out. Weezy!

Bert Simpson: It’s the wrong game, Weezy. Okay, next, the star of “No Time To Die”, Rami Malek. [Rami Malek just stares at the camera] Okay. And finally from SNL, Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Wad up? Wad up? Yo! Do I have to sit next to Rami Malek? I mean his eyes are freaking me out. Like dude! Stop staring at me, man.

Rami Malek: I’m sorry. It’s just that people say we look alike. Maybe. I don’t see it. Maybe if I looked a little longer.

Pete Davidson: No, dude!

Bert Simpson: Okay. Ryan, Trishelle, you know how the game works. I give you a subject and you call on a celebrity student you think will know the answer. Ryna, you’re up first. Your subject is geography.

Ryan: Well, he has an accent and glasses which means he gotta be smart. I call on John Oliver.

Bert Simpson: Alright, John Oliver, Sweden is bordered by Norway and which other country?

John Oliver: Of course, you can’t talk about Sweden without talking about IKEA. [IKEA logo appears on right top corner.] Home of sketchy furniture and even sketchier meatballs. They’re not beef. Bad IKEA. Bad IKEA.

[buzzer sound]

Bert Simpson: John, your rant though amusing contained no answer. And please, no more over the shoulder graphic. Alright, Trishelle, you can steal.

Trishelle: Okay. Well, I’ll call on Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez! Bad choice, sweetheart. Ah! I was in Europe once. I drank too much and passed out in a sauna like a dumb ass. Where was I? Finland?

[right answer bell]

Bert Simpson: That is correct. Trishelle takes the point. [a paper airplane hits Bert Simpson] Ay! You stop with the paper airplanes, Kristen Wiig.

Kristen Wiig: I didn’t throw anything. Ha-ha-ha. Why would you think I threw it?

Bert Simpson: Because you are half giggling and I saw you throw it.

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry. I was just being weird. Sorry. Ha-ha-ha. I might do it again though. Is that bad?

Bert Simpson: Yes. Okay, Trishelle. Your subject is history.

Trishelle: Well, I don’t think he’ll know the answer because he is definitely high as hell, but I’m a fan. So, I call on Weezy.

Lil’ Wayne: Ha-hah! Yeah. I’d like to solve the puzzle. “What is that big fat ass?”

Bert Simpson: Once again, this is not “Wheel of Fortune”, nor is it “Jeopardy”. Are you ready for the question, Lil’ Wayne? [Lil’ Wayne is gone from his chair] And he’s gone. Does anybody know where he went? Rami Malek, did you see where Wheezy went?

Rami Malek: No. I’ve been staring at Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Argh! Please, make him stop. It’s like the soul of a victorian child is trapped in his eyes.

Bert Simpson: You’re not wrong, Pete. Okay, Trishelle, second choice?

Trishelle: I call on Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Pass!

Bert Simpson: You can’t pass, Pete. Okay, your question. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in your home town, New York City?

Pete Davidson: How would I know that? I mean, I went to school in Staten Island. And all of our classes were to prepare us to be firefighters or racist cops.

George Takei: Oh my!

Bert Simpson: George, you stay out of this. Alright, I need an answer, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. I mean, can I just give Trishelle $10000 after the show? I mean, that would be easier.

Bert Simpson: No. Sorry. That’s not how the game works. Okay, Ryan, chance to steal.

Ryan: Okay, let’s go with Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Good. Yes. Let’s have fun playing the game.

Bert Simpson: Adam. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in New York City?

Adam Driver: I don’t know. So, I’m not gonna answer the question.

Bert Simpson: Hey, calm down! Any of our other celebs think they know? George Takei has his hand up. You got an answer?

George Takei: No. I have a question. Why did William Shatner get to go to space and not me? Let Sulu go to the moon.

Bert Simpson: Sorry, it’s not up to me, George. And not that anyone cares, but the answer is the Battle of Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

[Lil’ Wayne walking in front of camera]

Lil’ Wayne: Yo, where did the plane go at?

Bert Simpson: That is “Price is Right”, Weezy. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick commercial break. Keep it right here. Ay, get back to your seat, Weezy.

The Peoples Kourt

Kourtney Kardashian… Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian… Heidi Gardner

Khloe Kardashian

Kris Jenner

Kylie Jenner… Melissa Villaseñor

Kendall Jenner… Halsey

Travis Barker… Mikey Day

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

Megan Fox… Chloe Fineman

O.J. Simpson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Hulu intro]

Female voice: Hulu, it’s that thing you steal.

[Cut to clips of The Kardashians show]

Male voice: For 20 years, you’ve watched the Kardashian family bicker and squabble over everything.

Kourtney: I will literally [bleep] you up.

Male voice: Now, a new show that’s also that, but with a little more structure. It’s “The People’s Kourt” with a ‘K’. Starring judge Kourtney Kardashian.

[Cut to Kourtney at the judge seat]

Kourtney: Order, order. Order in the Kourtney. I’m good at this.

Male voice: Watch as she puts her judginess to good use and tackles the most serious family issues.

[Kim and Khloe Kardashian are in the court. Kim is in her MET Gala outfit covering up her face.]

Khloe: Kim stole my make up artist.

Kim: Oh my god! I needed him today.

Khloe: You’re wearing MET Gala outfit. No one can even see your face. Aw! You’re such a diva slore.

Kim: You’re just jealous.

Khloe: Hm, fine. But the next time you need to use the restroom, I’m not helping you ou krrr.

Kim: Wait. For real?

Khloe: For real.

Male voice: She doesn’t hold punches. She doesn’t play favors. And mostly, she just doesn’t care. Even with her own mom.

Kourtney: Mom, why are you suing Kylie and Kendall?

Kris: I am suing Kylie because she hasn’t had her baby yet. We have a whole marketing PR plan and she’s costing us money.

Kylie: I can’t grow it faster, mom.

Kris: Yes, you can. Take it from me. I had Khloe. I made her in four months. So, do you Kegel exercises and use your vagin.

Kylie: Mom, I am.

Kourtney: Whatever. And mom, why are you suing Kendall?

Kris: Well, I’m suing Kendall because she has absolutely no drama. She won’t cause any drama and it’s damaging our brand.

Kendall: I’m a Jenner, not a Kardashian.

Kris: And that’s something you need to work on, honey.

Kourtney: Ew, this is so cringe. Guilty!

Kendall: Who’s guilty? Me? Mom? Or Kylie?

Kourtney: I don’t care. You pick.

Male voice: There’s time for more than legal drama because even a judge has to let her hair down. With Kourtney’s boyfriend straight out of the year 2000 Blink 182, Travis Barker.

[Kourtney is sitting on Travis’s laps.]

Kourtney: Travis, baby. I have to do my show.

Travis: I can’t help it, your honor.

Kourtney: Oh my god, did you just call me your honor?

Travis: Yeah.

Kourtney: Babe…

Travis: Baby…

Kourtney: Babe, you’re so epic.

Travis: Oh, you’re so punk.

Kourtney: Will you drum all the small things on my ass when we get home?

Travis: Hands or sticks?

Kourtney: Both, baby.

Travis: Baby…

Male voice:It’s the Kardashian family like you’ve always seen them before. Lives will be changed. Shade will be thrown.

Kourtney: Okay, Kim, Kanye, what’s the problem?

Kanye: Ay Fam. I’m suing Kim because people always coming after me about when I tweet, but actually she haaacked me.

Kourtney: What?

Kanye: I said Kim haaacked me.

Kourtney: Are you saying hacked?

Kanye: Yeah, bro. Like okay, does this even sound like me? [talking about the tweet] “Who’s seen the play ‘Wicked’? I’ve seen it four times.” That ain’t me, fam.

Kim: That was you, Kanye. That’s your favorite play.

Kanye: Okay, fine. I do love that musical. But what about this one? “What do I have to do to get a simple Persian rug with cherub imagery? ? Ugh.” That can’t be me fam.

Kim: No. It was you. That’s your favorite rug.

Kanye: Okay, fine. It’s beautiful. What about this? “Wiz Khalifa, I like your pants.” Actually, that was me. Case dismissed.

Kourtney: This is so boring. Bring me my bailiffs and best friends, Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox.

[Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox walk in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Hey, what’s up?

Megan Fox: Wait, why are we best friends?

Kourtney: Because our boyfriends have tattoos for necks.

Megan Fox: Oh right, I love him.

Machine Gun Kelly: Ha, I love you too.

Megan Fox: I wrote you an Instagram caption, babe.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh, that’s fire. Alright.

Megan Fox: Achingly beautiful boy.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Toxic.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Viral.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.

Megan Fox: Twin flame. Rehab barbie.

Machine Gun Kelly: Oh. I wish I could vape you.

[Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox start licking each other’s tongues.]

Kanye: A yo! A yo! Keep in mind, this is coming from Kanye, but ya’ll weird.

Male voice: On “The People’s Kourt”, you never know who’s gonna stop by.

Kourtney: Okay, finally the last case on the docket.

O.J. Simpson: Ay, Kourtney, it’s me, O.J. Simpson. You know. The Juice. Your dad’s old friend. Ay, how come ya’ll don’t invite me to anything anymore. Where is everybody going?

Male voice: “The People’s Kourt” on Hulu. All judgements are legally binding. Oh, I don’t know about that.

Skims Commercial

Kim Kardashian

D’ennis… Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Sarah Sherman

Melissa Villaseñor

Aristotle Athari

[Starts with Kim Kardashian getting touch up for her commercial shoot]

Kim Kardashian: I’m Kim Kardashian West. I’m a mother, millionaire, law student and billionaire. I’m also the proud owner of Skims shape wear products. Skims is giving comfort and support to millions of women of all shapes and sizes. But we’re just getting started. Introducing new Skims shape wear for thick dogs. The only product on the market that will comfortably accentuate your dog’s curves, no matter how thick that butt.

[D’ennis walks in]

D’ennis: Hi. I’m D’ennis, hair designer at Skims for thick dogs. And this is my dog Dilicious. [There’s a dog that looks crooked] As you can see, she ain’t no toothpick. Home girl got a badonk like her daddy. Making it almost impossible to find clothes for her until now. [someone passes him his dog wearing Skims] Now she looks so good, I can’t believe she’s still with me.

Kim Kardashian: but don’t just take our word for it.

[Cut to Heidi with her dog wearing Skims]

Heidi: As a dog owner, I was amazed at the wide selection of fashionable looks for tiny skinny dogs. But full figured dogs need a way to show what they’re working with too. Thanks Skims.

[Cut to Sarah with her dog wearing Skims]

Sarah: All the other dogs used to pay no attention to my thick dog. But now with Skims we can’t walk down the street without rockets popping out.

[Cut to Melissa with her dog]

Melissa: My god used to be ashamed of how she looked. But Skims gave her confidence. And now, she’s dating Scott Disick.

[Cut to Aristotle wearing weird shirt]

Aristotle: Wait, these are for dogs?

Kim Kardashian: They sure are. And Skims for thick dogs come in all the classic Skims colors.

D’ennis: Like beige, brown, and that’s it.

Kim Kardashian: Now, every dog can be a designer dog with Skims for thick dogs.

D’ennis: And they only take like, 90 minutes to put on.

Kim Kardashian: And I know what you’re thinking. Did we make holes where the poop comes out?

D’ennis: And the answer is obviously no. That is gross. Get your mouth out the gutter.

Kim Kardashian: So, stop wasting all your money in getting cosmetic surgery on your dog and just get Skims.

D’ennis: And turn your good girl into a bad bitch.

Male voice: New Skims for thick ass dogs. Looks so good, you’ll be saying, “Damn! Am I really thinking this about a dog right now?”