Neo-Confederate Meeting: Season 44 Episode 1

Todd…..Kyle Mooney

Jim…..Beck Bennett

Volunteer 1…..Adam Driver

Volunteer 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Volunteer 3…..Aidy Bryant

Security Officer William…..Chris Redd

 

[ Opens with a image of a Community Center entrance. ]

[ Cut to a meeting room with Todd standing up front and the rest of the volunteers seated in folding chairs. ]

Todd: A couple of League of the South announcements. Deb is selling Confederate flag blankets. All proceeds go to the troops. And there’s been some complaints about our Fantasy Football League. We’re gonna go ahead and say you can pick black players on your team. So that’s going to help out a lot. Now, Jim has something important to say. So come on up here.

Jim: Alright, okay. So friends, you’ve seen it. It’s been over a year since we Neo-Confederate volunteers marched on Charlottesville and things haven’t gotten better. [ The seated volunteers all nod their heads. ] More foreigners coming in. More strangers who don’t respect our way of life. We’re losing our culture and I will not sit quietly. You with me?! [ The seated volunteers respond with ‘Yeah’s, head nods, and cheers.] So tonight, I have a plan. A grand vision. If they’re going to keep coming here, then we’re going to go to someplace else. Our own place. For our own people. [ There are murmurs from the seated volunteers and a few head nods. ] No immigrants, no minorities. An agrarian community where everyone lives in harmony. Because every single person is white. [ Volunteer 1 raises his hand. ] Yes, sir.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, I know that place. That sounds like Vermont.

Jim: Vermont? No sir, what I’m talking about is a place purely for caucasians. Where even the folks who wash the dishes and pick the fruit are white.

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah, that’s Vermont.

Jim: Are you new here?

Volunteer 1: Ah yeah, I’m originally from up north.

Jim: Woah! Woah, woah!

Volunteer 1: Don’t worry, I’m from Boston.

Jim: Oh alright, good good. Okay good.

Volunteer 1: But, I’ve been to Vermont many times and it’s just like what you were saying.

Jim: I’m sorry, but you don’t seem to understand what I’m proposing is a whole new society. Going back to a time when the white man can take things he grew from the ground and trade them with another white man who grew things from the ground.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, uh, that’s a farmer’s market. And they’re all over Vermont.

Jim: Damnit, this ain’t some Yankee commune. Alright, the place I’m envisioning is a paradise. Country stores.

Volunteer 1: Yup.

Jim: Covered bridges.

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah.

Jim: The kind of place where you can drive around in an old car and wave to folks on porches having breakfast.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, I’m sorry I saw that last week, in Vermont.

Jim: Well be that as it may, no one wants to Vermont, right? [ The volunteers grumble ‘no’s and shake their heads. ]

Volunteer 2: I don’t know. That sounds kinda nice. Are there lots of dogs around wearing bandanas?

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah, well of course there are.

Jim: Look, look, y’all we’re getting off track. Now Todd, you don’t want to go to Vermont, do you?

Todd: I don’t know, Jim. I was thinking. You know how for this year’s White Nationals Retreat we were gonna go to Colonial Williamsburg again? Hey, maybe we should go to Vermont?

Jim: Todd! Todd! You love Colonial Williamsburg! It’s things as they should be!

Todd: I know Jim, but this place sounds nice! Pancakes on the porch. Spiced apple compote. The leaves change colors but the people never do. Why wouldn’t you wanna go?

Okay, now I just found an Airbnb in Shelburn. Listen to this. Cozy eight-bedroom farmhouse, vaulted ceilings, two-way fireplace, fly-fishing, and off-roading nearby. That’s a caucasian paradise, y’all. [ The seated volunteers talk amongst themselves with excitement and agreement. ]

[ The security officer walks in. He is black. ]

Security Officer William: Alright everybody, caucasians. Wrap up your little Confederate pity party. Man there is an AA meeting starting in about ten minutes.

Jim: Now hold on, William. Have you ever been to Vermont?

Security Officer William: Vermont? Why would I want to go there? There’s no hip hop on the radio. People paying to run around in corn mazes. There’s not a black face for miles. Hell no! [ Security leaves the room. ]

Jim: Oh okay, alright. Thank you, William. Okay, well it’s settled. We’re going to Vermont! [ Everybody cheers. ]

Volunteer 1: Maybe we can all rent Subarus.

[ Cut to front entrance of the Community Center. ]

 

Career Day: Season 44 Episode 1

Career Day

Firefighter…..Alex Moffat

Teacher…..Aidy Bryant

Student 1…..Ego Nwodim

Mordecai…..Pete Davidson

Samantha…..Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Parnassus…..Adam Driver

[ Image of the entrance to Sierra High School with the school sign reading, “Career Day Friday!” ]

[ Cut to a classroom with several students sitting in desks, the teacher standing to the side, and a firefighter in the front of the class holding his axe. ]

Firefighter: And in my opinion, that’s how we make the fire go away.

[ The teacher lightly claps her hands and walks over to the firefighter. ]

Teacher: Oh, wow. Simply, wow. Thank you so much to Samantha’s dad for than enlightening demonstration. [ The firefighter exits the classroom. ] Alright class, to continue our career day presentations, we will now turn it over to Mordecai’s father, Abraham H. Parnassus.

Student 1: Dude, what does your dad even do?

Mordecai: I don’t want to talk about it.

Samantha: I heard he’s like super old. Is that true?

Mordecai: I don’t know. He’s a dad. Dad’s are old.

[ A very old looking man with gray hair and a gray mustache enters the classroom. ]

Mr. Parnassus: Greetings, children. I’m Mordecai’s father. Hello boy. How are you? Look at your father boy. Look upon your father with pride.

Mordecai: I see you, man!

Teacher: Alright, uh, Mr. Parnassus why don’t you tell us about what you do for a living?

Mr. Parnassus: Hear me now, children, for my occupation is of much import. For 82 years I have been an oil man, a ‘barren’ some have called me. Now what does an oil barren do? The answer…crush your enemies! Grind their bones into dirt! Make them regret that they were ever born!

Samantha: Oh sick!

Teacher: Wow! Right into the dirt. [ The teacher chuckles. ] Now if the kids want to pursue a career in oil, what sort of traits would serve them well?

Mr. Parnassus: Oil is not for the weak. It is the Earth’s milk, and only the strong may suckle at Mother’s teat. Do you hear me boy? Only the strong…look at me boy. Look at your father! Look at me.

Samantha: Look at him Mordecai!

Mordecai: Dad, this is embarrassing.

One man came close to breaking me, H.R. Pickens. He did not succeed, for I crushed him into the ground!

Samantha: Who is H.R Pickens?

Mr. Parnassus: Exactly!

Teacher: Samantha, you gotta stop it honey. Okay. Well, Mr. Parnassus, the oil business must be pretty lucrative, right?

Mr. Parnassus: Oil has little to do with profit, Marm!

Teacher: Okay.

Mr. Parnassus: Oil is about domination of the spirit. Allow me to demonstrate. Children, point to the weakest in your class. And we shall ruin their spirit, as I ruined the spirit of H. R. Pickens so long ago.

[ All of the students point to Mordecai. ]

Mordecai: Word.

Samantha: You are weak like H.R. Pickens.

[ Mr. Parnassus walks over to Mordecai’s desk and leans in towards him using his can to hold himself up. ]

Mr. Parnassus: Feel this boy. Understand the pain. You think I was always the picture of strength that I am now?

Mordecai: Dad, you couldn’t get out of bed for a week because the mattress was too soft.

Mr. Parnassus: Mind over flesh boy. I was born seven months too early. Incubation technology was still in its infancy, so they placed me in a cast iron pot inside of a pizza oven until I was ripe enough to walk. My bones never hardened but my spirit did. Be strong and crush your enemies!

Teacher: Well, this has been outstanding Mr. Parnassus, but unfortunately we are running out of time. [ The teacher makes a thumbs down motion with her hand. ] Boo! Now does anyone else have any last questions for Mordecai’s dad?

Student 1: Yeah, yeah. I get that you’re an oil barren. But what do you do all day?

Mr. Parnassus: Perhaps I wasn’t clear. Luckily, I brought a visual aid which will illuminate the ins and outs of the oil industry. [ He shakes open the burlap sack he was carrying and pulls out a dead crow. ] This dead bird represents those who will wish you ill. Once proud, flying high above the Earth [ Mr. Parnassus holds the bird up high and pretends to make it fly. ] in bloody defiance of her gifts. And now you return [ Mr. Parnassus throws the bird to the ground forcefully. ] her to Earth, naked and defeated. [ Mr. Parnassus stabs his cane into the bird on the ground. ] I outlived you, Mr. Pickens! I crushed you into the ground and now your bones turn to oil beneath my living feet! I married your granddaughter, filled her belly with my festering seed and sired a boy! He is my final revenge, H.R.!

Mordecai: Dad, come on.

[ Samantha stands up and starts clapping. ]

Samantha: I want to be you when I grow up.

Mr. Parnassus: And so, you shall! Now, children, I was asked to bring a healthy snack. So join me in the hall for swine livers and Capri Suns.

[ Cut to the front entrance of the High School. ]

Teacher voiceover: Alright, kids, go out and eat those pig guts.

A New Kyle: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Kyle Mooney

…..Joe Fryer

…..Carson Daly

…..Pete Davidson

…..Lorne Michaels

…..Beck Bennett

…..Alex Moffat

…..Wendy Williams

…..Kenan Thompson

…..Kid Cudi

…..Chris Redd

…..Heidi Gardner

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Adam Driver

…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Kyle is walking through the city. ]

Kyle Mooney voiceover: [ Cut to Kyle approaching NBC Studios. ]

So we’re back at SNL.

[ Cut to Kyle walking through the building. ]

Which is great.

[ Cut to Kyle opening the door for Studio 8 H. ]

[ Cut to Kyle sitting facing the camera and speaking out loud. ]

Kyle Mooney: It’s my sixth season. Sometimes I still feel like people don’t know who I am.

[ Cut to closing sequence of a previous SNL episode. Camera darkens out the hosts in the foreground and brightens a small Kyle clapping from behind mixed in with the rest of the cast. ]

Kyle Mooney voiceover: At the end of last year I thought maybe…

[ Cut back to Kyle facing the camera. ]

Kyle Mooney: …it’s finally happening. But then, this summer happened..

[ Cut to Joe Fryer on NBC News. ]

Joe Fryer: SNL’s Pete Davidson has confirmed [ Cut to Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande posing for photos at the VMA’s. ] that he and singer, Ariana Grande, are engaged.

[ Cut to Carson Daly on the Today Show. ]

Carson Daly: Ariana and Pete’s announcement of their engagement…

[ Cut to three Instagram photos of Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande. ]

Female Voiceover: They’re engaged!

[ Cut to Pete Davidson coming out of an elevator as Kyle Mooney approaches from the hallway to the right. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Ah, L-Dog, this year’s gonna be lit.

Lorne Michaels: Get in here, brother. [ Lorne and Pete hug. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Love you man.

Lorne Michaels: Love you, too.

KYLE MOONEY: Hey Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: Oh hey, Hey Kevin. [ Lorne Michaels walks past Kyle and down the hall. ]

[ Cut back to Kyle Mooney speaking to the camera. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I feel like this year I gotta make a statement.

[ Cut to Kyle looking in the mirror]

KYLE MOONEY Voiceover: So I’m gonna change things up a bit.

Female Hairdresser: Okay you sure you want to this? [ The hairdresser walks over and wraps a haircutting cape around Kyle. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah.

Female Hairdresser: Here we go. [ The hairdresser turns on an electric razor and approaches Kyle’s hairline. ]

[Cut to black screen. ]

Female Producer Voice: Kyle to the floor please. Kyle.

[ Cut to SNL set. Beck Bennett and Alex Moffat are standing on set as Kyle Mooney approaches them now with short blonde hair like Pete Davidson’s. Kyle is also wearing clothes like Pete’s. ]

BECK BENNETT: Kyle?

KYLE MOONEY: Haha, what up.

BECK BENNETT: Why you so late man?

KYLE MOONEY: Why does it matter bro? I was just doing my thing. [ Kyle brings a rolled joint to his mouth and inhales. He then exhales onto Beck who backs away and swats the smoke from his face. ]

BECK BENNETT: Stop that dude. What are you…why are you smoking?

KYLE MOONEY: By the way that shirt’s pretty lit.

BECK BENNETT: Lit?

[ Cut to the ‘new’ Kyle speaking to the camera. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I love this bro. People are finally starting to take me seriously. Now all I need is a hot celebrity girlfriend. And that’s fine by me.

[ Cut to Kyle walking into the meeting room of SNL writers. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Writers! If you guys are going to write me into your sketches. Y’all got to write my girlfriend into them, too. Come on in here baby. Y’all know my girl..Wendy Williams.

[Wendy Williams walks in carrying a picnic basket. ]

Wendy Williams: Hi everyone. Hi honey.

[ Kyle opens the picnic basket, and baby pig pops its head out. ]

KYLE MOONEY: We adopted a pig. Swag! [ Kyle makes a pumping motion with his fist, and Wendy William kisses him on the cheek. ]

[ Cut to the elevators where Kenan Thompson is waiting for an elevator. Kyle and singer, Kid Cudi, come out of an elevator laughing. Pete Davidson walks up to them. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo, Cudi, I hit you earlier to hang out. How come you didn’t hit me back?

Kid Cudi: Oh, I guess, uh, I was just busy.

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah, yeah, busy. [ Kyle laughs and wraps one arm around Kid Cudi’s shoulders. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo Kyle.

KYLE MOONEY: What’s up?

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are you stealing my look and my friends? Don’t you know I have, like, mental problems?

[ Kyle pulls out a bottle of pills and shakes them at Pete. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Me too. [ Pete knocks the bottle of pills out of Kyle’s hand. Pete and Kyle start getting ready to fight. ] You wanna come at me, bro? [Kenan Thompson steps in breaks them apart.] You wanna come at me?

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah!

KENAN THOMPSON: Chill. Chill! Y’all wanna settle this..do it the ‘Saturday Night Live’ way. Cool?

PETE DAVIDSON: Cool.

KYLE MOONEY: Cool.

[ Cut to a Romanesque set where the SNL cast members are dressed in medieval costumes. Pete and Kyle are in the middle of their circle in battle outfits getting ready to fight. ]

[ Cut to Chris Redd drinking from an old mug. ]

[ Cut to Beck Bennett observing the room. ]

[ Cut to Heidi Gardner eating a banana then tossing the peel. ]

[ Cut to Pete licking his lips and standing across from Kyle surrounded by the other cast members. ]

Aidy Bryant: Gentleman choose wisely. [ Aidy presents a choice of weapons. Pete chooses the sword. Kyle chooses the ball and chain. Pete and Kyle begin to circle around each other. ]

[ Cut to Adam Driver standing from the balcony overlooking the scene. ]

Adam Driver: Guys, guys, guys, guys. As host of this show, I think I have to ask you to not do this. [ Adam is shot with an arrow into his leg. ] Jesus!

[ Cut to Beck holding a bow after he shot the arrow. ]

BECK BENNETT: You don’t belong here.

[ Cut to Adam Driver limping off the balcony with the arrow stuck in his leg. ]

[ Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. ]

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR: Now, fight! [ Melissa hits a gong with a mallett. ]

[ Cut to Kyle and Pete circling each other holding their weapons. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I’m going to enjoy this.

[ Pete lowers his sword. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are we doing this man? I don’t want to fight you.

KYLE MOONEY: Really?

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah, man. We’re friends.

[ Kyle sighs with relief. Then Pete thrusts his sword into Kyle’s chest. ]

[ Cut to Heidi looking shocked. ]

[ Cut to Chris looking shocked. ]

[ Cut to Pete releasing his sword and Kyle stumbling backwards. Kyle slips on the banana peel that Heidi had thrown aside earlier. ]

[ Cut to Pete smirking. ]

[ Cut to Kyle sitting up holding the banana peel with the sword still in his chest. Kyle laughs. ]

[ Cut to Beck Bennett laughing. ]

[ Cut to Aidy and Melissa laughing. ]

[ Cut to Pete hesitating a smile then giving in to laughter as he looks around the room. ]

[ Cut to Kyle continuing to laugh. ]

[ Cut to Pete mockingly imitating Kyle slipping on the banana peel. The rest of the cast continues to laugh in the background. ]

[ Cut to Pete and Kyle facing the camera and talking. Kyle is back in his regular haircut and clothes. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Well, um, it looks like we’re friends again.

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah. And I guess I learned that it doesn’t matter what you look like or how popular you are. It’s just about having fun.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah. Hey, what’s that? [ Pete points to nothing on Kyle’s chest. Kyle looks down at his finger, and Pete flicks him on the nose. Kyle flinches. Pete laughs. Kyle begins to cough and spit up blood, and his chest wound opens up and begins to bleed. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Doctor says I’m going to die a little later.