Men’s Room

Bowen Yang

Chris Redd

Frankie… Kieran Culkin

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with Bowen speaking on the phone in men’s room]

Bowen: Yeah, works fine. My coworkers better though. Hey, I gotta go. I just walked into the bathroom. I don’t know why I’m telling you either. Okay, bye.

[Chris walks in]

Chris: Oh, there he is.

Bowen: Hey. We gotta stop meeting like this.

Chris: I say, man. Third time this week. What is this? Your new office?

Bowen: Oh, you know what I always say, boss man does the boss man does.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Bowen to himself: I’ve never said that in my life. Why am I saying that? I’m not the boss. So, why did I laugh? Why did he laugh? Why are we not ourselves when we’re in the men’s room? Everyone just panics and blurt something out.

[lights turn on] [Bowen flushes]

Bowen: Well, I’m empty. See you later my guy.

Chris: Keep on trucking, my dude.

[Frankie walks in]

Frankie: Oh, love to party in here.

Chris: Ay, Frankie in the building. What’s up?

Frankie: Yeah, baby. Got any fun plans this weekend?

Chris: Oh, a couple days away from you. I’ll take it. Ha-ha-ha.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Chris to himself: That was mean as hell. I really like that guy, man. And why am I talking so loud? In the men’s room my voice gets weird and I shout things like football is crazy.

[only Frankie is speaking]

Frankie to himself: My heart is pounding. Why did I choose the urinal right next to him? Our arm’s skin is touching.

[lights turn on]

Chris: Ha-ha-ha. Alright, man. See you on ice.

Frankie: Well, you too.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Chris to himself: See you on ice? We work at a pension fund. Is that even an expression? I don’t know who I am in here.

Bowen to himself: I’ve been standing here for so long. None of the automatic sinks work. My hands are covered in soap.

Frankie to himself: I’m standing at a urinal but I only came in here to avoid working. Now, I feel like I can’t leave until they’ve heard me pee. Guess I’ll squirt my hand sanitizer in there to fake it.

[lights turn on]

Bowen: Hey, sounds like your streams coming along really well over there.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Bowen to himself: Why am I commenting on his pee and calling it a stream?

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, what’s up my dudes?

All: Hey!

Andrew: So, anyone got big plans for the summertime?

Bowen: Not yet.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Andrew to himself: Why would they? It’s November. We’re months away from the summertime.

[lights turn on]

Andrew: New guy. Did anything fun last weekend?

Bowen: I’m sorry. Who? Me?

Andrew: Yeah.

Bowen: Sorry. what did you say?

Andrew: I just asked you if you did anything fun last weekend?

Bowen: Oh, yeah, sure. Umm… Umm…

Bowen to himself: I’m taking way too long to answer. I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear.

[lights turn on]

Bowen: Oh, sorry. I can’t hear anything today. So, yeah.

Andrew: What’s up?

Bowen: Nothing sorry. Anyway, these sinks working for you?

Chris: No! But football is crazy.

Bowen: Crazy.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Uh-oh! Y’all having a little slumber party in here? Zagging your chains guys. And you see the new receptionist. She’s got legs for days.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Alex to himself: I killed a man in 2012. I didn’t even do a good job hiding the body but I still got away with it. Although I’m a free man, the guilt I carry is worse than any cell. But in here, I forget who I am and what I’ve done. I love the men’s room.

Alex: Don’t you guys love it in here?

[Tracy walks out of toilet cabin]

Tracy: Trust me, no one go in there. I had some pork meat last night and I dropped a bomb. [looks at Alex] And this dude killed my brother.

Men’s Underwear Commercial

[Starts with clips of men working out and playing sports]

Alex: You’re a man.

Chris: Tough.

Kyle: Strong.

James: Rugged.

Chris: And you need underwear that’s the same.

Kyle: Not some designer junk that comes in a fancy little tube.

Alex: For my manly body, that ain’t gonna cut it. You might as well throw those underwear right in the trash.

Chris: And if you’re like me, you’re sick of throwing your underwear in trash.

Alex: Like, one time you make a little mistake, [doing squats] now you gotta throw your underwear in the trash again. What a rip off.

Kyle: Well, not anymore.

Female voice: Introducing Jake’s non-stick underwear for men. The only underwear that’s made with a high-tech ceramic coating you find in the world’s finest cook wear insuring maximum protection for you manly mistakes.

Chris: Coz you’re a man and you work hard for your money.

James: So, stop wasting it by putting your underwear in two plastic bags, tying it in a knot and throwing them in a very bottom of the bathroom trash every time you make a mistake.

Alex: With Jake’s non-stick underwear, my mistakes slide right off, right down my pant leg.

Kyle: And they’re easy to clean. Just wipe with a cloth or dry paper towel and they’re as good as new.

James: Now, the only thing you gotta worry about is putting those paper towels in two plastic bags along with your pants, sometimes your socks, tying them in a knot and tossing that out of your office window.

Alex: That’s way cheaper. So, no more itching in your board meetings.

Chris: No more hearing, “You know who make fun of your mistakes to her friends”.

Ego: [talking on phone] Girl, it was like somebody dragged this man in mud. Don’t make any sense. And he didn’t even notice.

Kyle: You shouldn’t have to buy a new underwear every time you get nervous at an important dinner.

Chris: Or you cough too hard.

Kyle: Or you got hit in the stomach.

James: Or your new protein powder doesn’t agree with you.

Alex: Or coz you had whiskey last night.

Chris: Or sometimes, nothing at all. It’s like you wipe real good for like, an hour. And nothing is on the paper. And then you go home, it’s a warsack test in the back of your pants.

Ego: [on the phone] He’s like a little boy.

Chris: I’m a man!

Female voice: Yes, you are. So, ask your doctor about Jake’s Non-stick prescription underwear for men.

Mens Cosmetics

[Starts with video clips of a man working out]

Male voice: You’re a man and you’ve got skin, lots of it. Make it work for you with a line of revolutionary skin ammo from Man Stain. Formulated just for the guys, Man Stain helps you look your best.

Dan Levy: I’m sorry. What is Man Stain?

Male voice: It levels up your mug for peak appearance performance.

Dan Levy: So, it’s make up?

Male voice: Nah, dude. Make up’s for girls. Man Stain’s just for the guys. [Alex opens what looks like a can of soda. Then he pours some of it on his hand and starts applying it on his face.] Annihilate redness, vanquish vine lines and [bleep] block impurities. With Man Stain double IPA tinted dude fluid.

Dan Levy: Okay. You’re using very violent language to describe it but yes, see? It’s base. It has a tint.

Male voice: Wanna look like you just came from a real nut busting workout at the gym?Then you need Man Stain’s x-ertion nice and rust booster.

[Alex is wearing a make up using what looks like a brush on a tip of a gun.]

Dan Levy: Okay. That is blush in a gun. Is that what you want it to be?

Male voice: You’re down but you’re not out, you big ass [bleep].

Dan Levy: It’s okay to want to look nice.

Male voice: So, sag up and try the whole damn line. Man Stain Manscara for maximum alertness. Mouth grease for a glossy manly pout. And meat lover’s guyshadow eye dirt pizza compact.

Dan Levy: Sells like pepperoni but it is still makeup.

Male voice: You’re a man, god dammit. You might as well look like one. And if you got a problem with that, you can go straight to hell.

Dan Levy: You guys look good.

Male voice: Man Stain, from the makers of Nutrisystem for men. It’s not a diet, coz that’s what girls do.

Dan Levy: And is this beauty blender a football?

Male voice: Hell, yeah.

Dan Levy: Why?