Tag: Message

Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Mother’s Day Message Cold Open

[Starts with Miley Cyrus on SNL stage]

Miley Cyrus: Tomorrow is Mother’s day, and this is for all the moms out there.

[singing] It’s been a long dark night
And I’ve been waiting for the morning
It’s been a long hard fight
But I see a brand new day dawning

I’ve been looking for the sunshine
You know I ain’t seen it in so long
Everything’s gonna work out just fine
Everything’s gonna be all right
That’s been all wrong

Now, let’s get some moms out here.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon and her mother]

Kate: Thank you for coming, mama.

Kate’s Mom: So Kate, is there any chance you’re going to be doing Mary Katherine Gallagher?

Kate: Molly Shannon is not on the show anymore, but it seems like you’re doing Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Kate’s Mom: Let’s do it.

Kate: Okay.

[Both jumps with their both arms up]

Both: Mother’s Day!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and her mother]

Aidy: Hi, mom.

Aidy’s Mom: Aidy, I missed you so much. But at least I could see on on your show.

Aidy: Oh, mom. Well, it’s not just my show.

Aidy’s Mom: I mean, “Shrill”, season three, out now on Hulu.

Aidy: Very good job, mom. I love you.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and his mother]

Kyle: I am so happy I get to be with you this mother’s day. I really missed you last year.

Kyle’s Mom: Now, you owe me two gifts.

Kyle: Cool. I kind of thought the trip here was the gift.

Kyle’s Mom: No!

[Cut back to Miley Cyrus]

Speaker 1: [singing] Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day

[Cut to Beck Bennett and his mother]

Beck: So good to see you, mom.

Beck’s Mom: I’m so proud of you, Beck.

Beck: Aw, mom.

Beck’s Mom: Okay. And your brothers too.

Beck: Okay. But can tonight be about me?

[Cut to Mikey Day and his mother]

Mikey: I missed you, mom.

Mikey’s Mom: I can’t wait to give you a hug.

Mikey: Aw, mom.

Mikey’s Mom: I’m talking about Beck Bennett.

[Cut to Mikey Day and Beck Bennett both with their mothers]

Beck: Hi, Sylvia.

[Cut to Chris Redd and his mother]

Chris: Hey, mama.

Chris’s Mom: Good to see you, baby. I haven’t seen you since Thanksgiving and Christmas, and our big spring break vacation in Miami.

Chris: [laughing] Ha-ha, mama, shut up. You funny.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner with her mother]

Heidi: Thank you for being here, mom.

Heidi’s Mom: I wouldn’t miss it.

Heidi: And they didn’t write me a joke. I don’t know why.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson with his mother]

Kenan: This is my mom, the woman who taught me everything I know. Including how to do reaction shots. Isn’t that right, mom?

Kenan’s Mom: You know I did.

[Cut back to Mikey Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] It’s been a long long time
Since I’ve known the taste of freedom
Those clinging vines
That had me bound but I don’t need ’em

I’ve been like a captured eagle
You know an eagle’s born to fly
And now that I have won my freedom
Like an eagle I’m eager for the sky

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor with her mother]

Melissa: Hey, mom.

Melissa’s Mom: Hi, sweetie. I love your impressions. You can do anybody.

Melissa: [smiling] You can do anybody.

Melissa’s Mom: Who was that?

Melissa: You.

Melissa’s Mom: That one needs work.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman with her mother]

Chloe: I love you, mom. You’re my best friend.

Chloe’s Mom: Oh, awkward. You dad is my best friend.

Chloe: Wow. Okay. And we better go. Dad’s asking Elon Musk for financial advice.

[Cut to Bowen Yang with his mother]

Bowen: I’m so happy you’re here, mom.

Bowen’s Mom: Me too, Bowen.

[Bowen’s mom kisses Bowen’s cheek. Then she puts Pirell on his cheek and wipes it.]

Bowen: Mom, don’t Pirell my face.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim with her mother]

Ego: Mom, you’re a doctor. Is everything going to be alright?

Ego’s Mom: Yes.

Ego: Are you proud of me?

Ego’s Mom: Yes.

Ego: Would you be more proud of me if I were a doctor?

Ego’s Mom: Of course!

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day

[Cut to Lauren Holt and Punkie Johnson with their mothers. They all have wine glasses in their hands.]

Lauren: Thank you to our amazing moms.

Punkie: Yeah, ma, I wouldn’t be here without you. Let’s cheers.

[Their moms drink the whole glass of wine at once]

Damn, ma!

Lauren: My god!

Punkie’s Mom: What? It’s been a long year.

Lauren’s Mom: I’ll drink to that.

[Cut to Pete Davidson with his mother]

Pete: Hey, mom.

Pete’s Mom: Sorry, I almost didn’t make it, Petey. I was up till six playing Madame with Chalamet.

Pete: Mom, you have to be more responsible. You had me worried sick.

[Cut to Colin Jost with his mother. His mother is holding cards.]

Colin: Hey, mom, what’s on this index cards?

Colin’s Mom: Michael Che gave them to me. He is so nice. He said to read them for the first time on live TV.

Colin: Yeah, you shouldn’t do that, mom. It’s a trap. You’re going to get our whole family canceled.

[Cut to Cecily Strong with her mother]

Cecily: Hi, mom. I’m so happy you’re here.

Cecily’s Mom: I know. It’s been over a year. [silence] Honey, say the punch line.

Cecily: I can’t. I’m too happy.

[Heidi walks in with her mother]

Heidi: Okay, if you’re not going to say the joke, can I have it?

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] I’m gonna be alright
everything’s gonna be alright

everything’s gonna be alright

it’s gonna be okay

[everyone joins Miley Cyrus with their moms]

Happy Mother’s Day to my godmother, Dolly Parton and to my mom too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Trump’s Final 2020 Election Message

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, the election guys, it’s three days away. And after all this time, Trump I think has finally found a winning message.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: You know, our doctors get more money if somebody dies from covid. You know that, right?

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s our president recently saved by doctors saying doctors want more covid for money. Which makes me think Trump only survive covid so he wouldn’t have to pay his doctors. Unfortunately, Trump’s gaslighting isn’t quite enough to keep you warm because multiple Trump supporters who were stranded at a freezing cold rally in Nebraska were hospitalized with hypothermia. I assume because Trump told them that jackets don’t work. But don’t worry, the president isn’t trying to kill his supporters. He’s actually succeeding at killing his supporters. According to a study, over 30,000 covid cases and 700 deaths have been tied directly to Trump rallies. That means he’s officially killed more people across the midwest than Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy combined. Which is also kind of what Trump looks like. In the end, I guess that Trump was right, that he is not a typical politician since politicians don’t typically spend the last week of the election murdering their own voters.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Lil’ Wayne at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Lil’ Wayne met with President Trump this week to discuss Trump’s fubu platinum plan for the black community. I don’t know what it’s actually called. Many are surprised by Lil’ Wayne’s endorsements of Trump but keep in mind, Lil’ Wayne puts cough syrup in his sprite. So… Look, it’s weird that I have to tell politicians this but rappers are not black leaders. They’re just rappers. Stop negotiating with them. They only do this with black people. I’ve never saw a candidate talking to Gilbert Godfrey about what to do in Israel. That’d be insulting, right? Plus, rappers are just way too busy to be leaders anyway. I love Ice Cube, but you know how many jobs he has on top of negotiating for black people? You know why Malcolm and Martin were such great leaders? Because they weren’t also working on BarberShop4.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and a map of Georgia at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Experts say that Joe Biden could win in Georgia if he can assemble a coalition of black voters, white women and rural voters. So, basically, The Voice. [Picture changes to the musical show ‘The Voice’.]

[Picture changes to Jared Kushner]

Jared Kushner who always looks like a child dressed up for a funeral, Jared said Monday that black Americans have to want to help themselves if they want to be successful. Yeah, I don’t know if I trust a guy who thinks the black experience is the highest tier in American Express.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a check-box with “vote” written on it at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Hey, I don’t know what’s going to happen with this election. The tension is just killing me. I don’t know what this world’s going to be after Tuesday. I may never see you again, Colin. I mean, we might both get drafted in the race war. It’s not fair. You just married Scarlett Johansson and I just bought an electric bike. We’re both doing equally great. I feel like the band on the Titanic. Everything’s just going bad and I’m up here trying to do jokes like, “”Hey, did you hear the one about the constipated accountant?”

Colin Jost: Wait, what about the constipated accountant?

Michael Che: Oh. He couldn’t budge it. So, he had to work it out with a pencil. It’s a kid’s joke. You never heard that? Alright, whatever, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Now, again guys, the election is only three days and I’m a little worried. Mainly because of that Che’s joke. But all I think and believe is that we cannot do another four years of Trump. It is too much. Everyday, I wake up after two hours of sleep and I google “America still democracy?” Even if you like Trump, at this point, you have to be exhausted. Remember that friend you had who at 4AM would be like, “Yeah, where are we going next?” And you’re like, “This is fun, but if I keep hanging out with this dude, I’m gonna die.” Right now, it feels like Trump wants us all to do another bump from whatever he’s got from his muppet doctor and just sort of see where the night takes us. I don’t know about you guys, but I think this time I am calling a designated driver. [picture changes to Joe Biden] And I just really hope he also brings this guy with him.

[Cut to a video clip of Barack Obama scoring a 3 pointer in basketball.]

Barack Obama: That’s what I do.

Digital Exclusive- Message to the Girls

Aiden… Aidy Bryant

Kurt… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video bumper]

Female voice: A message to the girls from the goys.

[Cut to two guys]

Aiden: What the hell is up, girls? It’s your boys, Aiden..

Kurt: And Kurt. Tonight is the best night of your life, Prom. Or at least it was.

Aiden: We should be in a hotel ball room right now making you feel like a queen.

Kurt: But unfortunately for cupid, prom got canceled coz of the Qdoba virus.

Aiden: Since we can’t be there to shower you in admirances, we thought we’d take you to prom in your fantasy.

Kurt: And tell you what would have gone down if we were there to put it down.

Aiden: 6 PM.

Kurt: Pictures. First up, I will show up 30 minutes early with my entire family.

Aiden: I will present you with a refrigerated corsage made entirely of 100% baby’s breath. That’s the breath of a baby, girl.

Kurt: I will rent a tux from a Halloween website.

Aiden: We can take 3,000 pictures next to your neighbor’s fancy shrub and my hands, they’re gonna sweat so much that the back of your dress is gonna change color, girl.

Kurt: 6:45.

Aiden: Limo time.

Kurt: I will pay for my whole portion of limo and half of your’s.

Aiden: I of course will sit front where there’s a seatbelt and I will chat with the driver. It seems like it would be hard to drive around the corners with the limo.

Kurt: 7:23.

Aiden: We enter the dance.

Kurt: You walk off to be with and talk to girls. I will be with my guys. Twice through the night, I will approach you and then leave.

Aiden: Mr. Chadman said we’d make a great pair. I don’t know if you’ve heard that but it’s actually something to think about.

Kurt: Our prom is at the Aviation Museum. I was actually on the committee to help select a theme. WWII.

Aiden: And ooh, girl. If we were at prom, we’d dance like this. [dancing]

Kurt: And like this.

Aiden: Probably some of this.

Kurt: And of course, this. [dabs]

Aiden: 10:15.

Kurt: Make out time. When it’s time to kiss, I’ll become distant and sweaty like a first time bank robber.

Aiden: I will have so many altoids throughout the night, you will feel my breath in your eyes.

Kurt: I will close my eyes and fully miss your mouth.

Aiden: I’ll start things off easy by sucking your tongue just the way you like it, girl.

Kurt: At the end of the night, I will pay my friend Chris to give me a hickey.

Aiden: I can’t wait to take you home, to your house. And then I of course will go to my house and explode.

Both: I love you, Brigitte.

Video message: To the graduating class of 2020, from all of us at SNL: Girl, you’re a queen.

Message from Gov. Whitmer

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video message: “And now a message from Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer.]

[Cut to Gretchen Whitmer at a park]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey, there. I’m Michigan governor, Cecily. It might surprise you to be hearing from me, some smoke shell mid-western governor nobody heard about till couple of weeks ago. But governors are kind of having a moment right now. And while all other govs get cool nicknames like, Daddy Cuomo and Gavin ‘Choke Me’ King. New some, Trump refers to me as ‘That woman from Michigan.’ But I’m not offended. Because I am proud to be from Michigan and t’hat woman’ is also what Trump calls his wife. [she drinks beer] Um-hmm. Yeah. I’m nursing all the bats. Because even though most freaking governors are laying down restrictions because of the virus, mine are somehow too far. Now, you may have heard about the protestors, say, gathered in the streets of our capital for Ted Nugent cast play last week. Look, people. It’s ‘live free or die,’ not ‘live free and die.’ And Trump advisor Steven Morris comparing these protestors to Rosa Parks. Yeah. If Rosa Parks was fighting for her right to get hit by a bus! Sorry, that’s little bats talking.

But I support all Americans and Michiganders freedom of speech. So, if you got to protest, here are some tips on how to do it safely. Number one, stay home. I promise you can call me a bitch from the safety of your couch. It’s called Twitter! So, if you messed it outside, maintain proper social distancing. That means six feet apart at all times. So, if the tip of your AK-47 can touch the tip of your buddy’s AK, back up. And please, wear face masks. But not a joker mask. And not a clown mask. Absolutely no masks that come with the hard.

Now, like you, I have heard the rumors that I’m on the shortlist to be Joe Biden’s vice president. The VPs veep. Because if it’s gonna be a woman, it might as well be bat woman. But my sole priority is my home state because we’re not out of the woods. We never will be. We live at Michigan. And to anyone that stand in the way of the health and safety of my constituents, I’ll remind you, the Michigan is a mitten, right? [showing her palm] And this is where I live. [showing her middle finger.]

Oh, damn, they’re throwing dog crap at my car. [yelling] Knock it off! I’ll throw it back! I did it last time too. You know I will.

Message from the DNC

Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Diane Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Tim Kaine… Mikey Day

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now a message from the democratic national committee.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi in her set]

Nancy Pelosi: This Tuesday, American went to the poll.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And they told president Trump, “We don’t like what you’re doing at all, sir.”

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And now, one thing is clear. We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: The dems are back.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language.] We’re back!

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein: You love us again.

Chuck Schumer: And we haven’t felt this confident since the day before Trump won.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: You love our fresh new ideas delivered by fresh new faces like me, Nancy Pelosi.

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And me, Diane Feinstein.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And me, Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language] I’m Tim Kaine.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: And I’m team player, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: And we also have some great new leaders waiting in the wings like hot young thing, Elizabeth Warren. And also, that’s right.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: It’s Biden Time.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And I’m still around too.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi and Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And together, we are going to end the spirit of divisiveness in this country by focusing on how we won the governor’s faces in two of the 10 states we care about.

Nancy Pelosi: And we learned our lesson from the election. We can’t just appeal to coastal elites. We need mouth breathers from Wisconsin.

Diane Feinstein: And window lickers from Ohio as well.

Nancy Pelosi: And we know what Americans really care about is jobs.

Diane Feinstein: Jobs, like smuggling immigrants across the border.

Nancy Pelosi: And converting confederate monuments into statues of prominent lesbian poets.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And we’re going to lace into people if they don’t say what’s politically correct. Like these comics out there who think it’s okay to make jokes about concentration camps. That guy should rot in he..

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: The dems are back, and we don’t stop now because we need another path for our country.

Diane Feinstein: Another vision for America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Another chance for me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Just one more chance, and maybe more more chance after that. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: I thought she was dead.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: We need bold leadership.

Diane Feinstein: And new blood.

[Cut to ‘Not Hillary’. She is Hillary Clinton wearing a fake mustache.]

Not Hillary: I think the Hillary idea could still work.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Chuck Schumer: This is our time.

Diane Feinstein: Our time.

Tim Kaine: Yo soy, Tim Kaine.

Nancy Pelosi: And just wait till Bernie transfers his millennial voters over to new leader.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. If you like it, you should have put a ring on it. Pass!

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: So, watch out, America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Because the dems are back.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: We’re back.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: Wi ado, senor, Trump.

All: Because the dems are back.

[Donna Brazile walks in]

Donna Brazile: I will destroy all of this.

Male voice: This ad was paid for by Mark Cuban for republican president.

Presidential Message Before Election Cold Open

Erin Burnett… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

FBI agent… Alex Moffat

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Erin Burnett OutFront intro]

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening and welcome to Erin Burnett OutFront. I’m Erin Burnett. For the next 72 hours, we’ll be bringing you non-stop election coverage. And my neighbors who are watching, please don’t feed my dog. Race has been tightening all week and tonight we have both candidates with us to make their case to voters one last time. Joining me from Florida is Secretary Hillary Clinton, and from Colorado, Donald Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

How are you both doing this week?

Donald Trump: Really, really great, Erin. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.] They’re all so buying it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, it has been a great week for me too. Um, my fav part was when I lost that great big lead I had. But I am not worried, Erin. It might be the bottom of the 9th and it’s tied and it’s raining. But this old Chicago cub is still gonna bring it home.

Donald Trump: You are not, Hillary. Coz I am building a lot of momentum. The polls are showing that we are neck and [showing his neck] whatever this is here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah. And you’ve travelled to four different states just today. What gives you the energy for all that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: My deep love for America. And a really, really big handful of uppers that are meant for resources.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Well, let’s get to what’s obviously the big story of the week.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton with her fingers crossed]

Hillary Clinton: Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton’s emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton cringing]

Hillary Clinton: Ew-okay.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: FBI director Jim Comey announced that they’re looking into more emails that were discovered on Anthony Weiner’s laptop.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s right. I called it. And these emails are very bad for you, Hillary. That’s why I never, ever use email. It’s too risky. Instead, I use a very private, very secure site where one can whatever they want to and no one will read it. It’s called Twitter.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Trump, everyone can see your tweets.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Really? And I’m still in this thing? America, you must really hate this lady.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] They do.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Now, it’s highly unusual for the FBI to make an announcement like this so close to the election.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh yeah, you think? I mean, am I cringy or does it sort of seem like the FBI is trying to get Donald Trump elected president?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, no. That is crazy cuckoo. The FBI is not trying to help me. The FBI does not like me. I mean, what even is the FBI?

[FBI agent walks in]

FBI agent: Hey, I’m gonna go grab some coffee, you want something?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

FBI agent: Okay.

[Donald Trump kisses FBI agent and FBI agent leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton looking shocked]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! You saw that, right? He kissed an FBI guy? Yeah?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It doesn’t seem like enough of a story. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh! Yeah. Boy, I could really go for another Donald Trump audio link right about now. Hey! Mark Burnett, Mark, my baby, I know you’re sitting on some pretty racist tapes of Donald on the Apprentice. So, Mark, as they say I’m a wheel of fortune, give me a an ‘N’.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton, there is no proof that a tape of Mr. Trump saying the N word actually exists.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, are you cray? Of course that tape exists.

Donald Trump: Erin, Erin, Erin, it does exist.

Hillary Clinton: See? See? I need someone to release something on this guy. I mean, I’ve got the whole Russian government helping release stuff on me coz Russian loves Donald and Donald loves Putin.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. She’s a liar. I don’t know Putin. I have never met Putin. What is even a Putin?

[Vladimir Putin walks in half naked.]

Vladimir Putin: I’m running to store. Do you need anything?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

Vladimir Putin: Alright.

[Donald Trump kisses Vladimir Putin and Vladimir Putin leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! He kissed Putin. He kissed Putin on live TV.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary, that can mean anything. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh!

Donald Trump: These emails are huge scandal. I heard it’s even bigger than White Water.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m not sure that’s quite true, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Why are you defending her, Erin? Are you a les with her? Because I hear it from a lot of people that you are lessing her.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: that doesn’t even make sense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter, Erin, because I said it. And now, half the country believes it. But P.S., no one loves gay people more than me, okay? I am a huge supporter of the LB community.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You mean the LGBT community?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, just the L and the B.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: You see Erin? Okay, this is how he talks. He pretends to be pro-gay but then his running mate believes in conversion therapy. He says he is not racist but this week the KKK endorsed him for president.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. No. I don’t know the KKK. I mean, what even is a K?

[a KKK walks in with the white cult outfit on]

KKK member: Hey, I’m gonna go for a run. Do you wanna come?

Donald Trump: Um, no thanks. I’m good, sweetie

[Donald Trump kisses the KKK member and he leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, the KKK. Can we talk about how he kissed the KKK?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah, I wish we could but we’re almost out of time. So, let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [sighs] What is happening? Is the whole world insane? Donald Trump has single handedly ruined so much of what we as Americans hold dear. Kindness, decency, tic tacs, skittles, taco balls, father daughter dances, buses, bright red hats, the word ‘great’, the color orange, men. But look, if you want to elect him president on Tuesday, okay! Go ahead. But then in four years once you all realize you’ve been tricked, you’re gonna come running back to me begging me to run again and guess what idiots? I’ll do it.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Erin, here is the bottomline, okay? Hillary Clinton is the most corrupt person ever to run for president. She is a liar. She is a crook.

Hillary Clinton: No.

Donald Trump: And frankly, she should be in jail. And when I am president, I will assign a special prosecutor–

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no.

Donald Trump: –to make sure that she never–

[Donald Trump looks down and around]

[sighs] I’m sorry Kate. I just hate yelling all this stuff at you like this.

[Cut to a shot where Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are standing side by side, just their backgrounds are different.]

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. I know, right? This whole election has been so mean.

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk close to each other]

Donald Trump: I mean, I just feel gross all the time. I mean, don’t you guys feel gross all the time about this? [cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: You know what I think can help us? Let’s get out of here.

Donald Trump: What? Where will we go?

Hillary Clinton: You’ll see.

[music playing]

[Hillary Clinton grabs Donald Trump by his hand and pulls him]

[they run out to the streets. They raise hands and run into the public. They start hugging strangers in the public.]

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton run back to the SNL stage]

Donald Trump: Whoo! I needed that!

Hillary Clinton: I needed that. I feel so much better.

Donald Trump: Yeah. And now it’s time to get out there and vote. None of this will have mattered if you don’t vote.

Hillary Clinton: And we can’t tell you who to vote for but on Tuesday, we all get a chance to choose what kind of country we want to live in.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Message From Ted Cruz Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Katherine Cruz… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a written video clip.]

Female voice: And now a message from senator Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, hello. I was just reading my Conscience of Bedtime Story. Now, some of you have already seen me in tonight’s Republican debate in New Hampshire. And if you missed it, here’s a quick recap. I won. I also won the Iowa Caucus. Thanks to endorsements from strong conservatives like Glenn Beck and God Almighty. Now, I’ll admit I’m a non-conventional candidate. I’m not like other politicians. I didn’t get where I am today because I was born wealthy or handsome or charismatic, or nice. I am not cool or likable, or even fine. I’m not young and hip. I am not off the chain. I’m not energetic and healthy. Physically, I’m not doing well at all. From the side, I look like a Far Side cartoon.

In other words, I have overcome perhaps the greatest political liability of all time. Being Ted Cruz. Mine is a story of Triumph over adversity. Like FTR in his wheel chair. But instead of a wheel chair, it’s my personality and face. Now, how have I done this? A few things. First, my family. I would be nothing without the love and support of my incredible family like my daughter Katherine here. Come here sweetie.

[Katherine Cruz walks in]

How about a hug for daddy?

Katherine Cruz: No.

Ted Cruz: Hah, come on now. Give daddy a hug for the camera.

Katherine Cruz: No.

Ted Cruz: Oh come here sweetie. [Ted Cruz leans towards his daughter to get a hug but his daughter pushes him away.] Alright, how about a kiss? [Ted Cruz kisses his daughter on her cheek] I’ll settle for a kiss.

[Katherine Cruz jumps around and leaves]

Love you too, honey. My pride and joy.

My second secret to success, a sense of humor. I am very funny. For example, [giggling] what did Donald Trump do when he lost hour? He threw a Trumper tantrum. [laughing] You can find plenty of more right here in my book. [Ted Cruz holds a book] The book that New York Times went out of their way to call “Not a best seller”.

And the final and the largest key to my success, I’m a sneaky little stinker. From sending out bogus flyers in hour to spreading rumors that Ben Carson had dropped out. I am like the greased pig of politics. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Folks, we’ve had presidents who were governors, generals. Isn’t it time for a president who is just a nasty little weasel? So when you go to the polls this primary season, take a good look at your choices and ask yourself, which one of these guys would be played by Paul Giamatti. I’ll see you at the polls and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!