100 days in jungle

Beck Bennett

Nathan… Pete Davidson

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Michael… Taran Killam

Denice… Vanessa Bayer

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Terry… Russell Crowe

[Starts with video clips of jungle]

Male voice: Exhaustion, starvation, dehydration. Who will survive them all to last 100 days in the jungle.

[Cut to Beck briefing the contestants]

Beck: Michael, Rebecca, Nathan. You’ve all made it to day 94. I know it’s been hard and I’m sure you all miss your families.

Michael: Yeah.

Rebecca: So much.

Nathan: A lot.

Beck: Well, you’re in luck because we have a surprise. We’ve flown in a loved one for each of you. And they’re here now. Michael, say hi to your wife of fifteen years, Denice.

[Denice walks in]

Michael: Denice? Denice, oh my god! [kissing] Oh, I missed you. How are our kids?

Denice: Oh, they’re good. They’re rooting for their daddy.

Beck: Rebecca, say hi to your mom, Joan.

[Joan walks in]

Rebecca: Mommy! Oh my god! You’re here.

Joan: I am here. [hugging] I love you sweetheart.

Beck: And finally, Nathan, say hi to your uncle’s friend, Terry.

[Nathan losing his smile]

Nathan: Who?

[Terry comes in]

Terry: Hey buddy. It’s me. Your uncle’s friend, Terry. Ha-ha. Hey buddy. Ay! Ay! Remember me? Yeah, you do. Come on! We used to live in a tent in your uncle’s backyard. Come on.

Nathan: Oh, right. Hey man, I’m sorry but where’s my parents?

Beck: They had a thing and couldn’t move it. But Nathan, how does it feel to see your uncle’s friend, Terry?

Nathan: Um, kind of weird. Like, we’ve only met a couple of times. And one year we had Christmas at my uncle’s and Terry made us all go outside and watch him drink a two liter bottle of Sprite outside the house.

Terry: Oh, everyone was saying, [hooting] “Terry! Terry! Terry!” Best day of my life, buddy, buddy boy.

Nathan: Only you were chanting that.

Beck: Michael and Rebecca, how are you feeling? You look so shocked to see your family.

Michael: Oh, my god. I am so shocked.

Rebecca: You have no idea. It’s crazy.

Nathan: Um, I’m probably the most shocked. Jus coz like I have seven brothers and sisters, also a girlfriend of three years and none of them could be here?

Beck: Unfortunately, no. They are not here. But your uncle’s friend Terry is. And as an added surprise, Thanks to the new Sony 4K UltraHD TV, you get to say hello to more loved ones.

[someone brings in a TV]

Take a look.

[Michael’s children appear on the TV]

Children: We miss you, daddy.

Michael: Oh, I miss them so much. Hi Noah. Hi Emily. [kisses] [Rebecca’s dad appears on the TV holding a dog]

Dad: Hi, Becky. My love is with you. Hi.

Rebecca: Wow, dad and Milo. I love you guys.

[Leslie appears on the TV]

Leslie: [Crying] Terry, it’s me. I need you. I messed up. I messed up real bad. If you don’t come home, I’ma kill myself.

Terry: Hey, baby. How are ya?

Nathan: Who is that?

Terry: It’s a girl I’m seeing. She steals credit cards for living. Hey, baby!

Beck: And now, one final twist. Your loved ones aren’t here just for fun. They’re here because today is a reward challenge and they will be competing on your behalf. How do you feel about that?

Michael: Absolutely great. My wife is the strongest woman I know.

Rebecca: My mom is my rock. She can do anything.

Nathan: Well, my uncle’s friend Terry once took me to see basic instincts, and during the whole middle part, he kept hitting my leg and said, “Here it comes.”

Terry: Damn right I did. That was the day you became a man.

Nathan: I was five.

[Someone brings in a table. There are three baskets on the table.]

Beck: Today’s competition is eating challenge. In front of each of your loved ones is a jungle delicacy. Whoever can eat their’s the fastest wins a reward for their loved one.

Nathan: Yeah. Can you stop saying loved one?

Beck: Denice, you have a cow’s tongue.

Denice: Oh, my god. I can’t eat that.

Michael: No, come on baby. You can do it.

Beck: Joan, you have a pig’s liver.

Joan: Oh, I think I’m gonna be sick.

Rebecca: Mom, you’ve got this.

Beck: And Nathan’s uncle’s friend Terry, you have a duck’s vagina.

Terry: Hell yeah player!

Beck: Oh your mark!

[Terry just picks the item up and eats it and starts dancing.]

Oh, wow! That was much quicker than we expected. Terry, you win. Nathan, you gotta be proud of your uncle’s friend Terry.

Nathan: I wouldn’t say proud. I mean, he just yelled, “Oh, hell yeah player!” and ate a duck vagina on TV.

Terry: [celebrating] Duck vagina.

Beck: Well, as today’s winners, you and your uncle’s friend Terry win a four course meal and a massage for two.

Terry: Oh, no, no. Can’t do that. I can’t do. I got stitches all over my back. Horse bit me.

Nathan: On your back? What is your life?

Beck: We’ll be right back on 100 days in the jungle.

[The End]

Picture Perfect

Host… Taran Killam

Michael… Beck Bennett

Michelle… Venessa Bayer

Rosie Perez… Cecily Strong

Daniel… Bobby Moynihan

Terra… Reese Witherspoon

Reginald VelJohnson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Picture Perfect intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time to play Picture Perfect.

[Cut to Host in his set]

Host: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to Picture Perfect. We have some terrific players here ready to draw their way to victory into our million dollar grand prize. To my left, [Cut to Michael and Michelle] we have Michael and Michelle Folten.

[Cut to Host]

And their celebrity teammate, she’s the co-host of ‘The View’, [Cut to Rosie Perez] it’s Rosie Perez.

Rosie Perez: Yeah! I wanna draw some pictures.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Ha-ha, you sure are Rosie. And over here, [Cut to Daniel and Terra] we got Daniel and Terra Hofman.

Terra: Woo-hoo! Hofman!

[Cut to Host]

Host: And um, you may remember their celebrity teammate, [Cut to Reginald VelJohnson] it’s Carl Winslow from TV’s Family Matters, Reginald VelJohnson.

[Cut to Host]

Ha-ha-ha, hey Reg, where is Erkle?

[Cut to Reginald VelJohnson shaking his head]

Reginald VelJohnson: Move on.

[Cut to Host]

Host: You got it, bud. Remember, if you get stuck halfway through, you can hand the pen off to a teammate. Foltens, show em’ how it’s done.

[Cut to the stage. Michael stands and walks to the canvas.]

Alright, here we go now. Your category is ‘At the movies’, and here is what you’ll be drawing.

[Host shows a flash card to Michael. “Gone Girl” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.]

Michael: Got it.

Host: Alright. Clock’s ready? Go!

[Michael draws a girl and and arrow]

Michelle: Um, it’s a girl. Oh, she’s gone.

Rosie Perez: Eva! Eva!

Michelle: Oh, oh! Gone Girl. Gone Girl.

[right answer bell]

Host: Yeah, okay! Wow. Wow. Excuse me. Hope they’re all not that easy, right? Hoffmans, you’re up.

[Daniel stands and walks to the canvas.]

Get up here, Daniel. Come on, Daniel. Daniel, tell me how you’re feeling.

Daniel: Well, I took a drawing class in college, so I think I’m gonna be just fine.

Terra: Yay! Daniel!

Host: Oh! Love, support, confidence. I like it. Your category is Trendsetters, and here’s what you’ll be drawing today.

Daniel: Alright.

[Host passes the flashcard to Daniel. “The Prophet Muhammad” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.] [Daniel looks around]

Um, wait.

Host: You ready to go, Daniel?

Daniel: No.

Host: Okay, go ahead. Put time on that clock.

Daniel: No, wait!

Host: And go.

Daniel: Wait! Um…

[Daniel just looks here and there]

Terra: Come on, honey. You can draw.

Daniel: Um, I can’t. I don’t think I can. Maybe pass!

Host: You cannot pass.

Daniel: Um, please!

Reginald VelJohnson: Come on! Just draw something, dude!

Terra: Daniel! It’s $1 million. Whoever it is, just draw his face.

Daniel: I dont…

Terra: raw his face Daniel.

Daniel: No, I don’t want to. I wanna go home.

[chiming sound]

Host: Oh, that sound means it’s a halfway beeper. Now remember Daniel, if you want, you can trade with your team.

Daniel: I wanna trade. I wanna trade.

[Reginald VelJohnson walks up and Daniel sits down.]

Reginald VelJohnson: Trade when it’s about time. You wanna see how it’s done? Fine, let me just read the clue.

[Reginald VelJohnson reads the flash card.]

Oh, I dropped my pen!

[Reginald VelJohnson threw his pen out of the stage]

Host: Alright. Well, while we get Reginald a new pen, a reminder, if they don’t win the million dollar prize, we will subtract $1 million from Hoffman’s bank account.

Terra: What?

Daniel: What? Why?

Terra: Come on, Reginald, you can do it. Take the pen.

[Host is passing Reginald VelJohnson a pen]

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: You can do it.

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: Erlke would do it!

[Reginald VelJohnson is determined now]

Reginald VelJohnson: Alright, give me the pen.

[time up beeper]

Host: Oh! I’m sorry. That’s time. Terra, your final guess. What did they draw?

Terra: I don’t know. The Prophet Muhammad?

[right answer bell]

Host: Oh, my goodness! That is correct! Wow, wow, wow! Again, the takeaway is these two men drew the Prophet Muhammad.

Daniel: No! We did not. We drew nothing.

Reginald VelJohnson: Oh! Sweet lord, they coming for me.

Host: You know they are, Reginald. They are coming. For more Picture Perfect, right after this!

[The End]