Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che at their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Malala Yousafzai at left top corner.]

Pakistani teenager Malala Yousafzai who is Colin Jost7 has become the youngest person ever to win the Noble Peace Price. So, a Pakistani teenager literally can change the world while American teenagers literally can’t even.

[Picture changes to the JFK airport and Ebola virus.]

Federal officials have begun screening for Ebola at New York’s JFK airport for all travelers arriving from west Africa. They are focusing on JFK because not even Ebola would go to Laguardia.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Secret Service logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House is denying claim that it covered up evidence of Secret Service agents sleeping with the prostitute in Michael Che0Colin JostMichael Che. Which apparently was the last time the Secret Service was on top of anything.

[Picture changes to the US country colored as LGBTQ flag.]

After the supreme court declined the rule on the issue of same sex marriage, it is now legal in 30 states. I’m happy for same sex couples, but I feel bad for a group of people that still get ignored in this country, and that’s gay dudes who really, really don’t want to get married and had really good excuse not to for so long. I know there are some dead big gay boyfriends out there like, “Yo! Carl! You know I wanna marry you.” “But, society man! Just won’t let us. Oh, well. I guess we gotta just keep boning casually till the world gets it’s tact together.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Kim Jong Un at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The mystery surrounding the well being in location of North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un deepened Friday when he missed a ceremony paying tribute to his late father and grandfather. Some think he has been overthrown, but my money’s on more of [picture changes to a boy in Winnie the Pooh cartoon pulling Kim Jong Un out of a hole instead of Pooh bear.] a Winnie the Pooh type situation.

Dance Vlog

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy Pascalis… Kyle Mooney

Dad… Chris Rock

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Jannele starting her youtube video]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, A.K.A. Nasty-nelle, A.K.A. Janelle. And I’m pumped to bring you my Dad00th dance tutorial. Shoutout to whoever started that countdown to my Janelle8th birthday. Don’t know what that’s about but whatever. We’re live streaming today, so holla at me in the comment section. And holla at my best friend, he’s one of my day ones. His name is Teddy Pascalis, A.K.A. Pants Gets Wets.

Teddy Pascalis: Nobody calls me that anymore.

Janelle: Yes they do. Anyway, we’re gonna learn the Nae Nae today. A move that came from early African dance, or Miley Cyrus.

[Teddy Pascalis walks in front of the camera]

Teddy Pascalis: Yes, and just so you guys know, dancing is one of my biggest fears. Right after spiders and my older brother Dyan. But I’ll do it for you. [stares at Janelle] I’ll do anything for you.

Janelle: [not noticing] I know, you say it everyday. Okay, [music starts] in order to Nae Nae, [Janelle and Teddy Pascalis stand to dance] you gotta put one arm up like this, right? Teddy, put a little higher. Now, start moving your hips. It’s real easy. All right, get in there. [Janelle is dancing but Teddy Pascalis is just moving his body.] [Dad opens the door and enters the room]

Dad: Hey, hey, Janelle. You’re Janelle5 now. You cannot have the door closed. And there’s a boy in your room. Dad! Oh my god! [music stops] He’s not a boy. He’s just Teddy.

Teddy Pascalis: Yeah.

Janelle: Can you please leave? It’s live streaming.

Dad: Oh, I’m not going anywhere. Your brother told me you’re up here dancing on the internet.

[Michael peeking from the door]

Michael: I did. I told on you. Ooh! You in trouble. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Dad: Michael! Go sweep the driveway.

Michael: Dad! That’s not even a real chore.

Dad: What’s all this?

Janelle: Those are my fans, dad. They are just commenting on the video.

Dad: Okay. [Dad comes close to the computer] Who is Nuggettugget9-5, and why is he saying, “#woodbang”? What the hell is fap? I’m fapping. She makes me wanna fap. Michael! [Michael runs in] What’s fap mean?

Michael: Um, it’s what you caught me doing in my bedroom and we still haven’t talked about it.

[Michael runs out]

Dad: What? Hey, no fapping!

Janelle: Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my just my friend.

Teddy Pascalis: I love you.

Janelle: Argh! Dad, can I just finish doing the Nae Nae?

[Janelle starts dancing a little]

Dad: That’s too grown!

Janelle: Okay fine. I’ll show you guys the copperhead. It’s easy. It’s like a standing push up. I barely even move.

Dad: I’m watching you.

[Janelle is showing how to do the copperhead]

Teddy! Keep your hands out of pockets!

Janelle: Okay, let’s try with the music. [music starts and Janelle starts the move] [Janelle starts to shake her butt turning back]

Dad: No, no, no, no! [Dad runs to the computer and starts pressing random buttons on the keyboard.]

Janelle: Dad!

Dad: What’s happening? [He turned the video black & white]

Janelle: Dad! You’re changing the filter. Dad! Stop it!

Dad: Janelle. Either you don’t realize how much your body has matured over the summer, or you’re literally trying to kill me.

Janelle: Dad, there’s nothing sexy about that dance.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Teddy, stand up!

[Teddy is sitting with a pillow covering his lap to stomach.]

Teddy Pascalis: No, thank you sir.

Janelle: What dance am I supposed to do, dad? This is a dance vlog, and it means everything to me.

Dad: Okay, I’ll show you what dancing is. Put on some song.

[Janelle plays a music] [Dad looking at the camera] No fapping!

[Dad starts dancing]

See Janelle? This is dancing. Whoo! [Janelle starts dancing like her dad] Get it! There you go!

[Janelle slowly starts moving her body differently and then dances her own dance.]

Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Janelle: I can’t help it, dad. This is what my body wants to do.

Dad: Do you want me to send you to Catholic school?

Janelle: Oh, my god! Dad! You ruined this for my 3 million viewers. I hate you.

[Janelle walks out]

Dad: 3 million? Teddy go home.

Teddy Pascalis: Still not a great time for me to stand up sir.

Dad: Oh, Teddy! [looking at the computer] How do you turn this thing off?

[Dad presses a button and changes the filter again.]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I look crazy. The show is over.

[Live stream on YouTube ends.]