Barbie Instagram

Diedra… Cecily Strong

Bernard… Kenan Thompson

Tamra… Heidi Gardner

Michael… Pete Davidson

Donald Glover

[Starts with Diedra and Bernard holding orientation for new interns]

Diedra: Guys, welcome to your first day as interns at Mattel, the Barbie division. You’re all here because of your interest in toy marketing or in Barbie herself. We take the Barbie brand very seriously here. Let the senior VP of Barbie social media elaborate more on that.

Bernard: Who is Barbie? Barbie is fun. Barbie works hard and plays thoughtfully. She has one boyfriend. She is impossible. She is girl to the max. Barbie is current, you understand?

Diedra: Yes, exactly. And last year we launched our very popular instagram account which allows her to connect with her fans online. And you three will be helping out with the captions.

Bernard: Why don’t we give it a try?

[There’s a picture of a Barbie in the screen]

Diedra: What would be a fun caption for this post? Tamra?

Tamra: “Um, love my juice and my chocolate bar.”

Bernard: That’s not a chocolate bar. It’s a clutch.

Diedra: It’s fine. You, what would you write here?

Michael: “I’m holding a chocolate bar.”

Bernard: I swear to god–

Diedra: Michael, sweetie, he just told you it’s a clutch.

Michael: Oh, oh. Then, “Oh, no. I forgot my clutch.”

Bernard: She is holding the clutch!

Michael: Oh. Then where is her chocolate bar?

Bernard: [yelling] There never was one.

Diedra: Alright. Never mind. What about you?

Donald: “I can’t shake the image of that girl getting hit by that car four years ago outside of my dream house. Anyway, I was holing a chocolate bar like this one.”

Bernard: Listen to me boy, Barbie never witnessed such a thing. That sort of thing does not happen outside of Barbie’s house.

Diedra: Bernard, calm down. It’s okay. Let’s just– we’ll do another picture. [the picture on the screen changes] Tamra, what’s your caption?

Tamra: “Hi, it’s Barbie. I can’t find my dog.”

Bernard: The dog is right there at her feet.

Tamra: Yeah. But she’s not seeing it.

Diedra: Alright. Michael, what’s your caption?

Michael: “I’m Barbie.”

Diedra: She’s answering the phone saying, “I’m Barbie?”

Michael: No. She’s just thinking it.

Bernard: So, she picked up the phone, held to her face and mouth and thought, “I’m Barbie?”

Michael: Yes. Exactly. She’s practicing.

Bernard: Practicing what? Thinking that she’s Barbie?

Michael: Okay. Let’s move on. Jason, your caption?

Donald: “Hey, I’m so sorry to do this but I won’t be able to come to the party. I just can’t. I got all dressed up but I just can’t shake this funk I’m in. I’m freaking out. I’m back to thinking about that girl from four years ago. I know it sounds crazy but I think she was trying to tell me something. I’m sorry. I’m stuck. Anyway, give me a call when you can. Oh, I’m sorry. This is Barbie. But you knew that. You have caller ID. I’m so stupid. Good bye.”

Bernard: So, young man, you are suggesting that not only Barbie will miss a party, but that she’s traumatized by something that I just told you never happened to her?

Donald: I think addressing the trauma is important. It’s a discussion that needs to be have.

Bernard: Not by Barbie. Not by Barbie.

Diedra: Bernard, breathe. Remember your condition. Okay, let’s just do another one but I’ll show you what we have in mind, okay. [Another picture of Barbie appears on the screen. Barbie is looking away at the sunset.] “Beautiful sunset in Malibu.” You see? Just like that.

Tamra: Oh.

Michael: Sure.

Donald: I like it.

Diedra: Okay? Go for it.

Tamra: “It’s almost not night anymore.”

Diedra: Oh, my god. And you?

Michael: Is that Barbie?

Diedra: Is that Barbie in the picture? Of course that’s Barbie.

Michael: Oh. I didn’t recognize her back. In that case, “I’m Barbie. This is just my back.”

Donald: Now me. “I overheard a woman at the supermarket say the strangest thing. She said, ‘There goes Barbie. Poor thing. She doesn’t know she’s a toy created by a corporation. Silly thing has never wondered where the car or the house came from.’ And the truth is I never thought of those things until today. Today is the first and very last day of my life.”

Bernard: Okay. I’m really trying to wrap my brain around this. You’re suggesting that Barbie find out that she’s a toy in a supermarket and then she has some sort of identity crisis that drives her to suicide?

Donald: It’s the only way she can be free.

Bernard: Okay, Diedra. I’m going to close my eyes and when I open them, I want all three of them out of the building.

Diedra: Yes. Yes. And I’m going to leave my eyes open and make sure that that happens for him. Well, leave! [the interns leave] Alright. You can open your eyes. They’re gone. Alright. So, we’re gonna go with “I’m Barbie. This is my back.” Right?

Bernard: Oh, definitely. It gets to the point.

Dying Mrs. Gomez

Pete Davidson

Michael… Sterling K. Brown

Cecily Strong

Mrs. Gomez… Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Luke Null

[Starts with Mrs. Gomez lying on the bed sick. Her children are there to take care of her.]

Pete: Mom, we’re right here.

[door knocking] [Pete opens the door. Michael walks in.]

Cecily: Oh, Michael. So good to see you.

Michael: How is she doing?

Cecily: Not good. But she’ll be happy to see you. It’s been too long.

Michael: I came as soon as I heard. I’m glad I’m not too late.

Pete: Yeah. We don’t know how long she has left. It’s been a long day.

Cecily: Hey, mom. Michael’s here. Paramedics just left. Oh, she wants to say something to you.

Mrs. Gomez: Michael. Come here, Michae.

Michael: Hi, Mrs. Gomez. What is it?

Mrs. Gomez: There is something that I need to tell you.

Michael: Yes, ma’am. Anything. What is it? You can tell me.

Mrs. Gomez: I- I never made it.

Michael: Never made it? What do you mean never made it?

Mrs. Gomez: [hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing.

Michael: Um, what was that, Mrs. Gomez. Was that a Nickleback song? Mrs. Gomez, why are you telling me this?

Cecily: Michael. I think she needs to rest.

Michael: Can you just wait? I need to hear what she’s saying. Mrs. Gomez. What did you say?

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Cecily: I can’t stand seeing her in pain.

Pete: No. It will be okay. It will be okay.

Michael: Mrs. Gomez. Please.

Mrs. Gomez: I… I…

[music playing] [hardly singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing
tired of living like a blind man
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me

[Michael is rocking his body to the music]

This is how you remind me of what I really am

[Mrs. Gomez groaning]

Michael: No. No, no, no, no. Mrs. Gomez.

Cecily: Oh, my god. Jonathan, get the paramedics. Quick. [Pete walks out] Michael, what did she say?

Michael: I don’t know. But it rocked. Come on, Mrs. Gomez. Wake up.

[Pete walks in with Alex and Luke. They’re both wearing their uniforms.]]

Alex: We got a situation here. Is this the woman who fell into the moshpit at the Nickelback concert?

Luke: Yes, it is. Everybody, clear the area.

Pete: What did my mom say?

Michael: It’s personal. Just back off.

Cecily: You can tell us. We’re her kids.

Alex: Give me the defibrillators.

Luke: Copy.

[Alex and Luke are getting the defibrillators ready.

Michael: I’m not sure you’ll be able to hear this but your mom said something really cool.

Cecily: Come on, Mike. Those might be my mother’s last words. You’re not gonna tell us?

Michael: Okay, fine. She said– Man, this is heavy. She said…

[music playing] [singing] I never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing

Alex: Clear!

[Alex and Luke give her the defibrillator shock]

Michael: Tired of living like a blind man

[Cecily is rocking her body to the music]
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling

Luke: I’ve heard a lot of last words, but your mom kicked the most ass. Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock]

Michael: [singing] This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am

Luke: Clear!

[Alex hits her with defibrillator shock. She wakes up and starts singing.]

Mrs. Gomez: It’s not like you to say sorry

[Everybody in the room are rocking their bodies.]
I was waiting on a different story
This time I’m mistaken

Michael and Mrs. Gomez: For handing you a heart worth breaking
And I’ve been wrong
I’ve been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream
Are we having fun yet

All: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Mrs. Gomez: Oh, no!

[Mrs. Gomez finally dies. But people in the room are clapping for her.]

Michael: That’s Nickelback!

Alex: I don’t know why you guys are clapping. This woman is dead.

Scrudge

Scrudge… Beck Bennett

Michael… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Derek… Chris Redd

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

James Franco

[Starts with Scrudge reading a book in a dark room. He looks like a scary man in horror movies.] [door knocking]

Scrudge: Hey, go away! [door knocking] [Scrudge walks to the door and opens it. It’s Michael.]

Michael: Hey, man. Sorry to bother you. Um, we’re about to head over to this Christmas party.

Scrudge: [interrupting] Cool. Bye!

[Scrudge shuts the door]

Michael: [speaking from outside the door] I was just thinking if you don’t have any plans, you’re more than welcome to come. We don’t get to kick it that much anymore. It can be fun, you know?

Scrudge: Fine!

[Cut to Kevin and Derek all ready for the party. Michael walks in.]

Kevin: [to Michael] You ready?

Michael: Um, just a few more minutes. I think my roommate is coming with us.

Kevin: What?

Derek: Seriously? You invited Scrudge?

Michael: Come on. It’s Christmas. The guy doesn’t have any friends.

Derek: Yeah, because he’s a nightmare, man!

[Scrudge walks in wearing nice clothes and a hat.]

Scrudge: Wad up, players? Kevin, Derek, still really boring? Cool. Let’s get faded.

[Cut to the party. Anna opens the door.]

Michael: Hey! We come bearing gifts.

Scrudge: Anna, your place looks so inexpensive.

Anna: Thanks.

Scrudge: Oh! And ugly Christmas sweater. So brave of you to do something so played out.

[Scrudge is opening a bottle of liquor. He looks at a girl. The girl is waving at him.]

Oh, no! Katy’s here. We hooked up like, once. And now she won’t stop texting me. It’s like, “Hey.” “Hi.” “What are you doing?” “You know what I’m doing. I see you watching my Insta stories.” Argh! Another reason to get blacked out.

Michael: Just try not to be dick to everyone tonight, please?

Scrudge: Duh! Bumble Dog.

[Scrudge walks to the TV set]

Hey, Heather. Dope DVD collection. I can’t believe there are other Wes Anderson fans out there. [showing a DVD of the movie Life Aquatic.] Let me guess, you like the soundtracks too? Coz you and your friends suck?

[Scrudge is walking to the bathroom. Three men walk out of the bathroom.]

Oh, I see what’s going on here. [stops Mikey] Mind if I sneak like, just a little tini tiny key bump?

Mikey: Um, yeah. We don’t have much left coz–

[Mikey gives Scrudge a tiny packet of cocaine. Scrudge just takes it and goes inside the bathroom. Mikey is waiting for him to get out and give him his packet back. But Scrudge comes out and just walks by.]

Hey, dude! Can I get that bag back?

Scrudge: Dude, what? I gave it back to you.

Mikey: No, you didn’t.

Scrudge: Yeah, dude. I literally, like, just gave it back to you. Are you like, high dude?

[Scrudge walks away]

Mikey: What?

[Cut to the rooftop. James is smoking a cigarette. Scrudge walks to him.]

Scrudge: Hey, can I bum a cigarette?

[James looks at his packet]

James: I got one left.

[Scrudge takes that cigarette]

Scrudge: Oh, that’s all I need.

James: Hey, Scrudge, yo’re kind of an asshole.

Scrudge: Wow, everybody has been dying to know what the sad lonely roof guy thinks. And I get to hear it first? #winning #Tygablood. Ha-ha-ha. Fuck you, loser!

James: Why don’t you take a look downstairs. You might not be as cool as you think.

[Scrudge looks down to the party. He sees people making fun of him.]

Mikey: I’m Scrudge. I make everyone feel uncomfortable.

Anna: Is he like a thousand years old?

Kevin: [to Michael] You would know this, does he own a toothbrush?

Michael: He’s just my roommate. He’s not really my friend. I don’t even know how much longer I want to live with him.

Scrudge: [to himself in the rooftop] Michael?

James: [to Scrudge] It’s not too late, Scrudge.

Scrudge: [singing] What have I become?

[Scrudge looks at James. James gets wings and he flies away.] [Scrudge walks back to the party]

Everybody, please listen. I have something to say. [everybody look at him.] I’m sorry. I’ve been awful to each and everyone of you. But tonight, thanks to you, I’ve realized that the true meaning of Christmas is to spend time with those you love. Which is why, I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry.

[Michael tries to stop Scrudge. But as Scrudge turns around, he is showing his butt off his pants to everyone.]

Truly, really sorry everyone.

Office Flirty Performance Chris Pine

Liz… Aidy Bryant

Nadeen… Vanessa Bayer

Shelly… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael… Chris Pine

[Starts with Liz and Nadeen in their office]

Liz: Well, Nadeen, it’s time. I think we need to do it.

Nadeen: You’re right. [presses phone button] Shelly, send him in.

[Shelly walks in with Michael]

Shelly: Have a seat.

Michael: Hi. Um, you wanted to see me? [Shelly walks out]

Liz: Yeah. Michael, good morning. You know Nadeen from HR.

Nadeen: Hello, Michael.

Michael: Hi. Uh, is everything okay?

Liz: Well, no. There’s obviously something going on that we need to address.

Michael: If this is about me taking too many sick days this month–

Nadeen: No, Michael, but there has been a pattern of behavior that simply can’t continue.

Michael: I’m sorry. I just have no clue what you’re talking about.

[music starts]

Liz: Um, no clue? You’re the one that has been driving us both crazy!

Nadeen: With you flirty hallway looks.

Liz: And the hunky way that your body is.

Michael: What?

Nadeen: So, you need to make a choice. Me or her?

Michael: A choice?

Liz: You’re tearing two friends apart. And I know you’re mine.

Nadeen: Actually, he is mine.

Michael: Excuse me?

Liz: Shut up.

[Liz and Nadeen stand and start dancing]

Liz and Nadeen: [singing] You need to give it up
Had about enough
It’s not hard to see
The boy is mine
I’m sorry that you
Seem to be confused
He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Nadeen: I think it’s time we got this straight
Sit and talk, face to face
There is no way you could mistake
Him for your man, are you insane

Liz: See I know that you may be
Just a bit jealous of me
But you’re blind if you can’t see
That his love is all in me

Michael: Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait. So, I’m not in trouble?

Liz and Nadeen: No.

Michael: But your fighting over me and now I have to choose whose boy I am?

Liz and Nadeen: Yes.

Michael: And you choreographed your little performance to tell me that?

Liz and Nadeen: Um-hmm.

Liz: So boy, who’s it gonna be? A diabetic mother of two?

Nadeen: Or a childless MILF with an eye for design?

Michael: I’m sorry. Which is which?

[Liz and Nadeen remove their coats]

Nadeen: [singing] I’m sorry that you

Liz: Sorry that you…

Nadeen: Seem to be confused, confused

Liz and Nadeen: He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Liz: Must you do the things you do
You keep on acting like a fool

[Shelly walks in]

Shelly: Hey guys, I’m going on–

Liz: [yelling at Shelly] Oh! Please! You’re fired!

[Shelly runs out]

Michael: Okay. Okay. I don’t– I don’t mean to interrupt but you- you- you ladies never talk to me. And this is the– it’s only the second time I’ve been in this part of the building. So–

Liz: Oh, please, boy.

Nadeen: Don’t play anymore games, boy.

Liz: Boy, just let us do this last part, boy.

Michael: Okay, fine.(Not yours, but mine)

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Michael: Okay! Okay! Okay, okay! Just stop. [music stops] Stop. First of all, this is so inappropriate. Liz, you are the president of the company. And, Nadeen… you read my mind. In fact,

[singing] My mind is telling me no,
but my body, my body is telling me yes

[Michael and Nadeen star dancing. Liz is disappointed.]

Tenement Museum

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Michael… Louis C.K.

Ava… Kate McKinnon

1913Thompson

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Guide guiding a  group in museum]

Guide: Okay, squeeze on in here, guys. Our next top on the Tenement Museum tour is this apartment which appears exactly as it would have in nineteenthirteen.

Teacher: Okay, pay attention, guys. Some of this is going to be on the quiz.

Guide: Alright, this was the home of the Linzowsky’s, a working class family from Poland. And to help us understand what it was like for them in the strange new land of America, a group of historically trained actors will be joining us to being the Linzwsky’s back to life. In fact, I think I hear them now.

[Two actors walk in]

Michael: Oh, my darling, Ava. For 16 hours today, I break my hands in factory. I can afford to bring a cabbage home for soup. We should have stayed in Poland.

Ava: Michael, our bellies will have to be filled with love. Food will be a luxury for the next generation.

Teacher: Aw, they came here for their children.

Michael: I wish I could bring home more money, Ava. [cheers and applause] But there are no good jobs. They have all been taken by the filthy greasy Italians.

[1913is making angry face.]

Ava: Michael. Shame on you. It is not their fault that they are greasy meatball eating crotch cravers.

Teacher: You know. I’m not sure this is okay for my students to hear.

Guide: Oh, no. I assure you. This conversation is 100% historically accurate.

Ava: Michael, I don’t like to see you upset over the Italians, who everyone knows are not even real white people. Please, relax. [Michael sits on a chair and Ava puts two plates before them] Sit. Eat.

Guide: Now look at the bowls Mrs. Lindowsky is using. Something like that would be treasured family heirloom.

Kenan: Um, cool. Um, what’s up with the Italian stuff?

Guide: Hey, bud, let’s wait until the end of the scene for questions.

Michael: Ama, let me ask you a question. Do you know how to brain wash an Italian?

Ava: How, Michael?

Michael: You give him an enema.

Ava: Um. That makes sense. And Michael, do you know why Italy is shaped like a boot?

Michael: Why, my love?

Ava: Do you think they can fit that much crap into a shoe?

Michael: That is very true, really.

Teacher: Um, are they just telling Italian jokes?

Guide: No.

Kenan: Yes.

Michael: But I must go now or I will be late for my night shift at the factory.

[Michael and Ava hug each other]

Ava: You work so hard, Michael.

Michael: Yes. I work hard in factory so that some day our children will be the boss of factory. And then, we will hire half wit, goon, rat faced Italians and work them to death at the machines. This is my dream.

[Ava is crying]

Guide: [clapping] Amazing. Let’s hear it for the Lindowsky’s.

[Students are clapping]

Kenan: Feels kind of weird clapping for that but alright.

Guide: Now, magically the Lindowsky’s can hear you all the way back in nineteenthirteen. So, would anyone like  to ask them a question?

Kyle: Hi. Um, when you say grease ball, is it because the food is greasy or they are?

Teacher: Okay, please don’t answer that.

Guide: Anyone else?

Kenan: I have a question.

Michael: Yes, chocolate face.

Kenan: And you just answered it.

Guide: Actually, I have a question for Mrs. Lindowsky. That contraption there, I don’t know what it is. Could you tell me about it?

Ava: Yes. This is to dry clothes. You put the wet fabric here and you turn and leave it like this. One bedsheet, three hours.

Guide: Wow! Lot harder than just tossing your clothes in the drier, huh?

Michael: But it will not always be this way for my wife. I work hard to save money. And god willing, I will hire chocolate lady to do this for me.

Kenan: [angrily] Nope!

Teacher: Yeah. We’re leaving. Let’s go.

New Girlfriend

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Michael… Jason Sudeikis

Regine… Fred Armisen

[Starts with four friends in a house]

Aidy: So, I’m just shoving my key in the car door and this lady walks up and she’s like, “Um, that’s my Sebaru.”

Vanessa: Oh, no.

Beck: That is hilarious.

Kyle: She’s lying. That all happened to our friend. So, where’s Michael? He’s still coming, right?

Vanessa: I hope so. This whole party was to meet his new girlfriend.

Beck: Yeah, I hope that she’s better than Jessica.

Aidy: Yea, she was the worst.

[doorbell ringing]

Kyle: Oh, there he is.

[Kyle opens the door]

[Michael and Regine walk in. Regine has a cigarette in her hand.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael: Hey, hey guys. How are you doing? I’m very, very sorry we were late but here she is. Isn’t she great?

Regine: Thanks for having us. I’m Regine.

Aidy: Well, come, sit down, Regine. We’ve heard so much about you.

Vanessa: Yeah, it’s so nice to meet you.

Regine: Oh, really? It’s nice of who to meet me? And what do you mean by ‘its’?

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, isn’t she beautiful, gang? Huh? Isn’t she? And no plastic surgery. This is all natural. This is all god.

Regine: Gods.

Michael: Gods. Gods. Yes, that’s right. I’m sorry. She’s a– Regine’s a Polytheist. You know, it’s one of the things I love about her. You know what else I love about her? 

Regine: Are you gonna give me a neck kiss?

Michael: Watch what happens when I kiss her neck. Watch this.

[Michael kisses Regine’s neck and Regine is making sexual faces.]

Did you see that? Did you see that?

Kyle: I saw something.

Michael: Yeah?

Regine: So, what were you talking about before we got here? The economic breakdown in Venezuela?

Vanessa: Oh, not exactly.

Regine: Oh, why not?

Michael: Regine is very globally conscious. You know? She has taught me so much. Watch what happens when I blow in her ear.

Regine: Dont.

Michael: Come on.

[Michael blows in Regine’s ear. Regine is shaking and shivering.]

You guys noticed anything that time? Huh?

Beck: I notice how intense my shoulders are right now.

Vanessa: We’re being rude. Please have some champagne. We are celebrating tonight.

Michael: Oh, great!

[Regine looks at the champagne bottle]

Regine: Moet? Wow! What are you celebrating? Average-ness?

Beck: No.

Michael: Hah! She’s joking. She’s joking. Regine has a very, very refined palette. As well as refined sense of humor. Watch what happens when I tickle her behind her knee. Give me that. [pulling her leg]

[Michael tickles under Regine’s knee. Regine is going crazy.]

Aidy: Is she okay?

Michael: Oh, yeah. She’s okay. She is more than okay. Her body is like a harp that I only know how to play. And only my touch is what she responds to. Yeah, there it is.

Vanessa: Okay, you know, her foot is in the guacamole.

Michael: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. Makes it better.

[Michael eats some chips]

I’m fine with that.

Regine: Can I order drink please?

Kyle: Order?

Regine: I’ll have a Manhattan straight up.

Vanessa: Oh, I love those.

Regine: Oh, then never mind. You ruined it. Um, just a French liquor of any kind?

Kyle: We don’t have that.

Regine: Well then, you’re not ready for guests.

Michael: Sweetie. Everyone, I would love to make a proposal toast to Regine. Honey, you wanna sit on my lap doing this?

[Regine tries to sit on Michael’s lap face to face]

No, no, no. Let’s do, reverse cowgirl. There we go.

[Regine sits on Michael’s lap]

Um, and do you mind if I scratch your head, your scalp while I do it.

Regine: Oh, don’t.

Michael: Okay, here we go.

[Michael caresses Regine’s hair. She is going crazy again.]

Oh, there we go. My dearest Regine. You have opened my mind. I hope you do the same to my friends. May you continue to stimulate us. Challenge us. Astound us. And correct us. You were like a hot Monalisa and she was drawn or painted with her mouth wide open. So to that stupid little smirk that we all human beings hate, right? To Regine.

Regine: To Regine.

Michael: There you go.

Vanessa: Okay. Is there any more food? I need to get something down my throat to fight what is coming up.

Beck: Yeah, here babe. [passing some food to her] No, no, no. Here, [passing to Michael and Regine] try the flat bread pizza. This is–

Regine: Flat bread pizza? What are we in? A line at Lego Land? No, thank you.

[Regine puts her cigarette down on the plate Beck passed.]

Aidy: [standing up] Okay, you know what Regine? If you’re having such a bad time, then maybe you should just go.

Michael: [yelling] Hey! Gosh! No! Look, if you’re not capable, [pointing everybody] you, you and you, you’re not capable of appreciating how special and remarkable Regine is, then maybe we should go.

Regine: No, no, no. No. We’re not going anywhere. This night is gonna be long. And we’re gonna talk about films and books and outsider art because I’m in love with this man. So now I’m in your life. Now watch what happens when I rest my hands on his upper butt.

Michael: What are you gonna do?

[Regine puts her hand on Michael’s upper butt. Michael is acting crazy.]

[The End]

100 days in jungle

Beck Bennett

Nathan… Pete Davidson

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Michael… Taran Killam

Denice… Vanessa Bayer

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Terry… Russell Crowe

[Starts with video clips of jungle]

Male voice: Exhaustion, starvation, dehydration. Who will survive them all to last 100 days in the jungle.

[Cut to Beck briefing the contestants]

Beck: Michael, Rebecca, Nathan. You’ve all made it to day 94. I know it’s been hard and I’m sure you all miss your families.

Michael: Yeah.

Rebecca: So much.

Nathan: A lot.

Beck: Well, you’re in luck because we have a surprise. We’ve flown in a loved one for each of you. And they’re here now. Michael, say hi to your wife of fifteen years, Denice.

[Denice walks in]

Michael: Denice? Denice, oh my god! [kissing] Oh, I missed you. How are our kids?

Denice: Oh, they’re good. They’re rooting for their daddy.

Beck: Rebecca, say hi to your mom, Joan.

[Joan walks in]

Rebecca: Mommy! Oh my god! You’re here.

Joan: I am here. [hugging] I love you sweetheart.

Beck: And finally, Nathan, say hi to your uncle’s friend, Terry.

[Nathan losing his smile]

Nathan: Who?

[Terry comes in]

Terry: Hey buddy. It’s me. Your uncle’s friend, Terry. Ha-ha. Hey buddy. Ay! Ay! Remember me? Yeah, you do. Come on! We used to live in a tent in your uncle’s backyard. Come on.

Nathan: Oh, right. Hey man, I’m sorry but where’s my parents?

Beck: They had a thing and couldn’t move it. But Nathan, how does it feel to see your uncle’s friend, Terry?

Nathan: Um, kind of weird. Like, we’ve only met a couple of times. And one year we had Christmas at my uncle’s and Terry made us all go outside and watch him drink a two liter bottle of Sprite outside the house.

Terry: Oh, everyone was saying, [hooting] “Terry! Terry! Terry!” Best day of my life, buddy, buddy boy.

Nathan: Only you were chanting that.

Beck: Michael and Rebecca, how are you feeling? You look so shocked to see your family.

Michael: Oh, my god. I am so shocked.

Rebecca: You have no idea. It’s crazy.

Nathan: Um, I’m probably the most shocked. Jus coz like I have seven brothers and sisters, also a girlfriend of three years and none of them could be here?

Beck: Unfortunately, no. They are not here. But your uncle’s friend Terry is. And as an added surprise, Thanks to the new Sony 4K UltraHD TV, you get to say hello to more loved ones.

[someone brings in a TV]

Take a look.

[Michael’s children appear on the TV]

Children: We miss you, daddy.

Michael: Oh, I miss them so much. Hi Noah. Hi Emily. [kisses] [Rebecca’s dad appears on the TV holding a dog]

Dad: Hi, Becky. My love is with you. Hi.

Rebecca: Wow, dad and Milo. I love you guys.

[Leslie appears on the TV]

Leslie: [Crying] Terry, it’s me. I need you. I messed up. I messed up real bad. If you don’t come home, I’ma kill myself.

Terry: Hey, baby. How are ya?

Nathan: Who is that?

Terry: It’s a girl I’m seeing. She steals credit cards for living. Hey, baby!

Beck: And now, one final twist. Your loved ones aren’t here just for fun. They’re here because today is a reward challenge and they will be competing on your behalf. How do you feel about that?

Michael: Absolutely great. My wife is the strongest woman I know.

Rebecca: My mom is my rock. She can do anything.

Nathan: Well, my uncle’s friend Terry once took me to see basic instincts, and during the whole middle part, he kept hitting my leg and said, “Here it comes.”

Terry: Damn right I did. That was the day you became a man.

Nathan: I was five.

[Someone brings in a table. There are three baskets on the table.]

Beck: Today’s competition is eating challenge. In front of each of your loved ones is a jungle delicacy. Whoever can eat their’s the fastest wins a reward for their loved one.

Nathan: Yeah. Can you stop saying loved one?

Beck: Denice, you have a cow’s tongue.

Denice: Oh, my god. I can’t eat that.

Michael: No, come on baby. You can do it.

Beck: Joan, you have a pig’s liver.

Joan: Oh, I think I’m gonna be sick.

Rebecca: Mom, you’ve got this.

Beck: And Nathan’s uncle’s friend Terry, you have a duck’s vagina.

Terry: Hell yeah player!

Beck: Oh your mark!

[Terry just picks the item up and eats it and starts dancing.]

Oh, wow! That was much quicker than we expected. Terry, you win. Nathan, you gotta be proud of your uncle’s friend Terry.

Nathan: I wouldn’t say proud. I mean, he just yelled, “Oh, hell yeah player!” and ate a duck vagina on TV.

Terry: [celebrating] Duck vagina.

Beck: Well, as today’s winners, you and your uncle’s friend Terry win a four course meal and a massage for two.

Terry: Oh, no, no. Can’t do that. I can’t do. I got stitches all over my back. Horse bit me.

Nathan: On your back? What is your life?

Beck: We’ll be right back on 100 days in the jungle.

[The End]

Picture Perfect

Host… Taran Killam

Michael… Beck Bennett

Michelle… Venessa Bayer

Rosie Perez… Cecily Strong

Daniel… Bobby Moynihan

Terra… Reese Witherspoon

Reginald VelJohnson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Picture Perfect intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time to play Picture Perfect.

[Cut to Host in his set]

Host: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to Picture Perfect. We have some terrific players here ready to draw their way to victory into our million dollar grand prize. To my left, [Cut to Michael and Michelle] we have Michael and Michelle Folten.

[Cut to Host]

And their celebrity teammate, she’s the co-host of ‘The View’, [Cut to Rosie Perez] it’s Rosie Perez.

Rosie Perez: Yeah! I wanna draw some pictures.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Ha-ha, you sure are Rosie. And over here, [Cut to Daniel and Terra] we got Daniel and Terra Hofman.

Terra: Woo-hoo! Hofman!

[Cut to Host]

Host: And um, you may remember their celebrity teammate, [Cut to Reginald VelJohnson] it’s Carl Winslow from TV’s Family Matters, Reginald VelJohnson.

[Cut to Host]

Ha-ha-ha, hey Reg, where is Erkle?

[Cut to Reginald VelJohnson shaking his head]

Reginald VelJohnson: Move on.

[Cut to Host]

Host: You got it, bud. Remember, if you get stuck halfway through, you can hand the pen off to a teammate. Foltens, show em’ how it’s done.

[Cut to the stage. Michael stands and walks to the canvas.]

Alright, here we go now. Your category is ‘At the movies’, and here is what you’ll be drawing.

[Host shows a flash card to Michael. “Gone Girl” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.]

Michael: Got it.

Host: Alright. Clock’s ready? Go!

[Michael draws a girl and and arrow]

Michelle: Um, it’s a girl. Oh, she’s gone.

Rosie Perez: Eva! Eva!

Michelle: Oh, oh! Gone Girl. Gone Girl.

[right answer bell]

Host: Yeah, okay! Wow. Wow. Excuse me. Hope they’re all not that easy, right? Hoffmans, you’re up.

[Daniel stands and walks to the canvas.]

Get up here, Daniel. Come on, Daniel. Daniel, tell me how you’re feeling.

Daniel: Well, I took a drawing class in college, so I think I’m gonna be just fine.

Terra: Yay! Daniel!

Host: Oh! Love, support, confidence. I like it. Your category is Trendsetters, and here’s what you’ll be drawing today.

Daniel: Alright.

[Host passes the flashcard to Daniel. “The Prophet Muhammad” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.] [Daniel looks around]

Um, wait.

Host: You ready to go, Daniel?

Daniel: No.

Host: Okay, go ahead. Put time on that clock.

Daniel: No, wait!

Host: And go.

Daniel: Wait! Um…

[Daniel just looks here and there]

Terra: Come on, honey. You can draw.

Daniel: Um, I can’t. I don’t think I can. Maybe pass!

Host: You cannot pass.

Daniel: Um, please!

Reginald VelJohnson: Come on! Just draw something, dude!

Terra: Daniel! It’s $1 million. Whoever it is, just draw his face.

Daniel: I dont…

Terra: raw his face Daniel.

Daniel: No, I don’t want to. I wanna go home.

[chiming sound]

Host: Oh, that sound means it’s a halfway beeper. Now remember Daniel, if you want, you can trade with your team.

Daniel: I wanna trade. I wanna trade.

[Reginald VelJohnson walks up and Daniel sits down.]

Reginald VelJohnson: Trade when it’s about time. You wanna see how it’s done? Fine, let me just read the clue.

[Reginald VelJohnson reads the flash card.]

Oh, I dropped my pen!

[Reginald VelJohnson threw his pen out of the stage]

Host: Alright. Well, while we get Reginald a new pen, a reminder, if they don’t win the million dollar prize, we will subtract $1 million from Hoffman’s bank account.

Terra: What?

Daniel: What? Why?

Terra: Come on, Reginald, you can do it. Take the pen.

[Host is passing Reginald VelJohnson a pen]

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: You can do it.

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: Erlke would do it!

[Reginald VelJohnson is determined now]

Reginald VelJohnson: Alright, give me the pen.

[time up beeper]

Host: Oh! I’m sorry. That’s time. Terra, your final guess. What did they draw?

Terra: I don’t know. The Prophet Muhammad?

[right answer bell]

Host: Oh, my goodness! That is correct! Wow, wow, wow! Again, the takeaway is these two men drew the Prophet Muhammad.

Daniel: No! We did not. We drew nothing.

Reginald VelJohnson: Oh! Sweet lord, they coming for me.

Host: You know they are, Reginald. They are coming. For more Picture Perfect, right after this!

[The End]

How 2 Dance with Janelle

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy… Kyle Mooney

Mom…Taraji P. Henson

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with How 2 dance with Janelle intro] [Cut to Janelle streaming live with her friend Teddy sitting behind her.]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, a.k.a. Jay Train, a.k.a. Janelle. And I’m here as always with my best friend Teddy.

Teddy: [walks near to Janelle] Best friend and prom date.

Janelle: That’s right. We’re going together as a joke. [laughs]

Teddy: So funny!

Janelle: Anyway, we’re live streaming today in honor of my channel hitting 1 million subscribers. So, shout out to my 1 million subscriber, Jeremy Gates from Danberi state penitentiary. [Janelle hits the play button and the music starts playing] Okay, let’s get dancing.

[Janelle and Teddy stand]

Today we’re gonna learn how to do the Do Drop. Alright Teddy, first you have to shake your shoulders like you’re cold then roll your body like it’s a snake. It’s easy. Let’s try it full speed.

[Janelle starts dancing]

Teddy: Oh, my god!

[Mom opens the door enters the room]

Mom: Woo-hoo! Y’all better be kissing in here.

Janelle: Ew, gross!

Teddy: Yeah, that’d be so gross.

[Janelle pauses the music]

Janelle: Can you leave? I’m doing my dances.

Mom: Oh, I know baby. Your brothers and friends are all watching in the living room.

[Michael walks in]

Michael: Janelle! None of my friends want to play Xbox with me.

Mom: Michael! Go take the garbage!

Michael: Mom, it’s not even making sense!

Mom: You better get out of here boy!

[Michael leaves]

Baby, show me the dance you were doing?

Janelle: Oh, it’s call the Do Drop. Like this.

[Janelle shows the dance.]

Mom: Oh, no, no, no. That is not how we move in this house. I raised you better than that. We move like this.

[Mom shows Janelle how to move even better.]

Teddy: [looking at Mom] Oh, how cool pillow. I’m just gonna put it right here.

[Janelle puts the pillow over his lap.]

Janelle: Oh, mom!

Mom: Please! You know I auditioned to be a fly girl. Now let me show you how real real woman dances.

Janelle: But I’m not a woman.

Mom: Well, your body disagrees. Alright, step one, jam!

[Mom plays the music and starts dancing]

Ay! Ay! Step two, it’s all about arms and back. You gotta pop it like this. Pop! Pop! Pop it out! Pop it! Pop it!

Janelle: It looks like someone’s trying to punch you in the spine.

Mom: That’s what’s hot about it. Pop it! Pop it!

[Janelle and Mom are dancing together]

Bang! Bang! Bang! Now, how does that feel for you?

Janelle: It hurts everything.

Mom: Hah! Then you’re doing it right, baby. Now watch this. This is when you’re dropping it low.

[Mom starts shaking her butt] [Michael walks in]

Michael: Mom, my friends are watching this!

Mom: Hey, boys! Don’t you eat all my food!

[Michael leaves]

Janelle: Teddy, get in here.

Mom: Yeah! Teddy!

[Janelle pulls Teddy in the middle of her and Mom.]

Mom: Come on, Teddy! You have to move your hips like this.

Janelle: Yeah, and move your arms and chest like this.

Mom: Yeah, go Teddy! Go Teddy!

[Teddy faints]

Is he alright?

Janelle: Yeah, he faints a lot. I’ll just get him some water.

Mom: Okay, baby. You go.

[Janelle leaves]

Mom: [looking at the computer] What’s that comment say? Do you know how to twerk? Oh, baby. I was made for–

[Michael storms in]

Michael: No, no, no, no.

[Michael is pressing all the buttons trying to stop the streaming] [This livestream has now ended.]

Martin Luther King Jr. Learns About the Country’s Equal Rights Progress

Mother… Kate McKinnon

Michael… Pete Davidson

Martin Luther King… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a mother checking on to her son.]

Mother: Michael, are you still up? It’s nearly midnight.

[Michael is using his laptop.] [cheers and applause]

Michael, you haven’t finished your paper yet?

Michael: I’m sorry mom, I just don’t know what to write about Martin Luther King.

Mother: Well, focus up pal. It’s due tomorrow.

[Michael closes his laptop]

Michael: Man! I just need a little help.

Male voice: Michael! Michael!

[Michael looking around to see who is calling him.] [Martin Luther King appears in front of him]

Michael: Wow, Martin Luther King?

Martin Luther King: Yeah!

Michael: I must be dreaming.

Martin Luther King: Hey, nothing wrong with dreaming. I heard you needed some help.

Michael: Yeah, I’m supposed to write a paper about your legacy but I don’t know what to say.

Martin Luther King: Oh, well, what do you know about me so far?

[Martin Luther King takes a seat beside Michael]

Michael: Well, you’re black, you’re a great leader and today you own a bunch of boulevards.

Martin Luther King: Uh-huh! Like in nice neighborhoods with gardens?

Michael: No. Kind of like where the Wu Tang Clan is from.

Martin Luther King: Okay. I guess we’re still climbing that mountain.

Michael: Oh, and on Monday, there’s this national holiday called Martin Luther King day.

Martin Luther King: Oh, wonderful. Is that a day when black and white Americans come together and reflect on the progress we’ve made?

Michael: Not really. It’s more like a day where my mom calls up work and says, “Do I have to come in today?” And they’re like, “Well, the offices are open but you don’t have to come in.” And my mom’s like, “Great! I won’t come in then.”

Martin Luther King: Uh-huh. Still climbing.

Michael: But the country made a lot of progress. We got a black president now.

Martin Luther King: Really?

Michael: Yeah. His name is Barack Obama.

Martin Luther King: It’s a Barck O what now?

Michael: Barack Obama.

Martin Luther King: I don’t know him. Sounds like a Kenyan Muslim.

Michael: No. He’s from Hawaii but he’s black. Well, half black. Like, his mother was white and his father was black.

Martin Luther King: Oh, so his parents are in jail?

Michael: No. No, no, no, no. People are fine with that now. I mean, you had a huge influence in this country.

Martin Luther King: Really?

Michael: Yeah. There’s a big movie that came out this week about you. It’s called Selma. And it looks great, like historical.

Martin Luther King: Well, I’d pay 50 cents to see that. I guess that will be nominated for a lot of Oscars, right?

Michael: Well…

Martin Luther King: Oh, that mountain is getting really high.

Michael: No, come on, man. Come on. What you did in Selma and stuff is still going on today. There were big protest about police violence just this year. Like, thousands of people.

Martin Luther King: Well, that’s good. And who led these protests? Who speaks for diversity today?

Michael: I don’t know. Maybe Michael Moore.

Martin Luther King: Michael Moore? Is he another black Hawaiian?

Michael: Oh, no. No. He’s from Seattle and he’s like the whitest dude on earth. The whitest.

Martin Luther King: Uh-huh. Mountain! And these protests. Did you join them? Like, are you part of the movement?

Michael: Oh, yeah, I definitely protested. It’s really easy now. You just take your phone here, right? Push this twitter button. Alright? Then type in #IAmFurguson or #We’reAllBlack or #Blessed. And then you’re done.

Martin Luther King: That’s how you protest?

Michael: Yeah!

Martin Luther King: Oh my god! That mountain is miles away.

Michael: No. Come on, Dr. King. You made a lot of progress. I’m a white kid, probably, in America and all my heroes are black. I mean they’re mostly rappers and NBA players but they’re still my heroes.

Martin Luther King: Well, that is progress I guess.

Michael: And look at it this way. You’ve got your own holiday and three white presidents share one.

Martin Luther King: Well, I do like that. But I’m afraid I haven’t helped you with your report.

Michael: Ah! Don’t worry. I’m just gonna go on Wikipedia and cut and paste the whole thing.

Martin Luther King: Ah! Very nice. And…

Michael and Martin Luther King: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.