Office Flirty Performance Chris Pine

Liz… Aidy Bryant

Nadeen… Vanessa Bayer

Shelly… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael… Chris Pine

[Starts with Liz and Nadeen in their office]

Liz: Well, Nadeen, it’s time. I think we need to do it.

Nadeen: You’re right. [presses phone button] Shelly, send him in.

[Shelly walks in with Michael]

Shelly: Have a seat.

Michael: Hi. Um, you wanted to see me? [Shelly walks out]

Liz: Yeah. Michael, good morning. You know Nadeen from HR.

Nadeen: Hello, Michael.

Michael: Hi. Uh, is everything okay?

Liz: Well, no. There’s obviously something going on that we need to address.

Michael: If this is about me taking too many sick days this month–

Nadeen: No, Michael, but there has been a pattern of behavior that simply can’t continue.

Michael: I’m sorry. I just have no clue what you’re talking about.

[music starts]

Liz: Um, no clue? You’re the one that has been driving us both crazy!

Nadeen: With you flirty hallway looks.

Liz: And the hunky way that your body is.

Michael: What?

Nadeen: So, you need to make a choice. Me or her?

Michael: A choice?

Liz: You’re tearing two friends apart. And I know you’re mine.

Nadeen: Actually, he is mine.

Michael: Excuse me?

Liz: Shut up.

[Liz and Nadeen stand and start dancing]

Liz and Nadeen: [singing] You need to give it up
Had about enough
It’s not hard to see
The boy is mine
I’m sorry that you
Seem to be confused
He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Nadeen: I think it’s time we got this straight
Sit and talk, face to face
There is no way you could mistake
Him for your man, are you insane

Liz: See I know that you may be
Just a bit jealous of me
But you’re blind if you can’t see
That his love is all in me

Michael: Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait. So, I’m not in trouble?

Liz and Nadeen: No.

Michael: But your fighting over me and now I have to choose whose boy I am?

Liz and Nadeen: Yes.

Michael: And you choreographed your little performance to tell me that?

Liz and Nadeen: Um-hmm.

Liz: So boy, who’s it gonna be? A diabetic mother of two?

Nadeen: Or a childless MILF with an eye for design?

Michael: I’m sorry. Which is which?

[Liz and Nadeen remove their coats]

Nadeen: [singing] I’m sorry that you

Liz: Sorry that you…

Nadeen: Seem to be confused, confused

Liz and Nadeen: He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Liz: Must you do the things you do
You keep on acting like a fool

[Shelly walks in]

Shelly: Hey guys, I’m going on–

Liz: [yelling at Shelly] Oh! Please! You’re fired!

[Shelly runs out]

Michael: Okay. Okay. I don’t– I don’t mean to interrupt but you- you- you ladies never talk to me. And this is the– it’s only the second time I’ve been in this part of the building. So–

Liz: Oh, please, boy.

Nadeen: Don’t play anymore games, boy.

Liz: Boy, just let us do this last part, boy.

Michael: Okay, fine.(Not yours, but mine)

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Michael: Okay! Okay! Okay, okay! Just stop. [music stops] Stop. First of all, this is so inappropriate. Liz, you are the president of the company. And, Nadeen… you read my mind. In fact,

[singing] My mind is telling me no,
but my body, my body is telling me yes

[Michael and Nadeen star dancing. Liz is disappointed.]

Tenement Museum

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Michael… Louis C.K.

Ava… Kate McKinnon

1913Thompson

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Guide guiding a  group in museum]

Guide: Okay, squeeze on in here, guys. Our next top on the Tenement Museum tour is this apartment which appears exactly as it would have in nineteenthirteen.

Teacher: Okay, pay attention, guys. Some of this is going to be on the quiz.

Guide: Alright, this was the home of the Linzowsky’s, a working class family from Poland. And to help us understand what it was like for them in the strange new land of America, a group of historically trained actors will be joining us to being the Linzwsky’s back to life. In fact, I think I hear them now.

[Two actors walk in]

Michael: Oh, my darling, Ava. For 16 hours today, I break my hands in factory. I can afford to bring a cabbage home for soup. We should have stayed in Poland.

Ava: Michael, our bellies will have to be filled with love. Food will be a luxury for the next generation.

Teacher: Aw, they came here for their children.

Michael: I wish I could bring home more money, Ava. [cheers and applause] But there are no good jobs. They have all been taken by the filthy greasy Italians.

[1913is making angry face.]

Ava: Michael. Shame on you. It is not their fault that they are greasy meatball eating crotch cravers.

Teacher: You know. I’m not sure this is okay for my students to hear.

Guide: Oh, no. I assure you. This conversation is 100% historically accurate.

Ava: Michael, I don’t like to see you upset over the Italians, who everyone knows are not even real white people. Please, relax. [Michael sits on a chair and Ava puts two plates before them] Sit. Eat.

Guide: Now look at the bowls Mrs. Lindowsky is using. Something like that would be treasured family heirloom.

Kenan: Um, cool. Um, what’s up with the Italian stuff?

Guide: Hey, bud, let’s wait until the end of the scene for questions.

Michael: Ama, let me ask you a question. Do you know how to brain wash an Italian?

Ava: How, Michael?

Michael: You give him an enema.

Ava: Um. That makes sense. And Michael, do you know why Italy is shaped like a boot?

Michael: Why, my love?

Ava: Do you think they can fit that much crap into a shoe?

Michael: That is very true, really.

Teacher: Um, are they just telling Italian jokes?

Guide: No.

Kenan: Yes.

Michael: But I must go now or I will be late for my night shift at the factory.

[Michael and Ava hug each other]

Ava: You work so hard, Michael.

Michael: Yes. I work hard in factory so that some day our children will be the boss of factory. And then, we will hire half wit, goon, rat faced Italians and work them to death at the machines. This is my dream.

[Ava is crying]

Guide: [clapping] Amazing. Let’s hear it for the Lindowsky’s.

[Students are clapping]

Kenan: Feels kind of weird clapping for that but alright.

Guide: Now, magically the Lindowsky’s can hear you all the way back in nineteenthirteen. So, would anyone like  to ask them a question?

Kyle: Hi. Um, when you say grease ball, is it because the food is greasy or they are?

Teacher: Okay, please don’t answer that.

Guide: Anyone else?

Kenan: I have a question.

Michael: Yes, chocolate face.

Kenan: And you just answered it.

Guide: Actually, I have a question for Mrs. Lindowsky. That contraption there, I don’t know what it is. Could you tell me about it?

Ava: Yes. This is to dry clothes. You put the wet fabric here and you turn and leave it like this. One bedsheet, three hours.

Guide: Wow! Lot harder than just tossing your clothes in the drier, huh?

Michael: But it will not always be this way for my wife. I work hard to save money. And god willing, I will hire chocolate lady to do this for me.

Kenan: [angrily] Nope!

Teacher: Yeah. We’re leaving. Let’s go.

New Girlfriend

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Michael… Jason Sudeikis

Regine… Fred Armisen

[Starts with four friends in a house]

Aidy: So, I’m just shoving my key in the car door and this lady walks up and she’s like, “Um, that’s my Sebaru.”

Vanessa: Oh, no.

Beck: That is hilarious.

Kyle: She’s lying. That all happened to our friend. So, where’s Michael? He’s still coming, right?

Vanessa: I hope so. This whole party was to meet his new girlfriend.

Beck: Yeah, I hope that she’s better than Jessica.

Aidy: Yea, she was the worst.

[doorbell ringing]

Kyle: Oh, there he is.

[Kyle opens the door]

[Michael and Regine walk in. Regine has a cigarette in her hand.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael: Hey, hey guys. How are you doing? I’m very, very sorry we were late but here she is. Isn’t she great?

Regine: Thanks for having us. I’m Regine.

Aidy: Well, come, sit down, Regine. We’ve heard so much about you.

Vanessa: Yeah, it’s so nice to meet you.

Regine: Oh, really? It’s nice of who to meet me? And what do you mean by ‘its’?

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, isn’t she beautiful, gang? Huh? Isn’t she? And no plastic surgery. This is all natural. This is all god.

Regine: Gods.

Michael: Gods. Gods. Yes, that’s right. I’m sorry. She’s a– Regine’s a Polytheist. You know, it’s one of the things I love about her. You know what else I love about her? 

Regine: Are you gonna give me a neck kiss?

Michael: Watch what happens when I kiss her neck. Watch this.

[Michael kisses Regine’s neck and Regine is making sexual faces.]

Did you see that? Did you see that?

Kyle: I saw something.

Michael: Yeah?

Regine: So, what were you talking about before we got here? The economic breakdown in Venezuela?

Vanessa: Oh, not exactly.

Regine: Oh, why not?

Michael: Regine is very globally conscious. You know? She has taught me so much. Watch what happens when I blow in her ear.

Regine: Dont.

Michael: Come on.

[Michael blows in Regine’s ear. Regine is shaking and shivering.]

You guys noticed anything that time? Huh?

Beck: I notice how intense my shoulders are right now.

Vanessa: We’re being rude. Please have some champagne. We are celebrating tonight.

Michael: Oh, great!

[Regine looks at the champagne bottle]

Regine: Moet? Wow! What are you celebrating? Average-ness?

Beck: No.

Michael: Hah! She’s joking. She’s joking. Regine has a very, very refined palette. As well as refined sense of humor. Watch what happens when I tickle her behind her knee. Give me that. [pulling her leg]

[Michael tickles under Regine’s knee. Regine is going crazy.]

Aidy: Is she okay?

Michael: Oh, yeah. She’s okay. She is more than okay. Her body is like a harp that I only know how to play. And only my touch is what she responds to. Yeah, there it is.

Vanessa: Okay, you know, her foot is in the guacamole.

Michael: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. Makes it better.

[Michael eats some chips]

I’m fine with that.

Regine: Can I order drink please?

Kyle: Order?

Regine: I’ll have a Manhattan straight up.

Vanessa: Oh, I love those.

Regine: Oh, then never mind. You ruined it. Um, just a French liquor of any kind?

Kyle: We don’t have that.

Regine: Well then, you’re not ready for guests.

Michael: Sweetie. Everyone, I would love to make a proposal toast to Regine. Honey, you wanna sit on my lap doing this?

[Regine tries to sit on Michael’s lap face to face]

No, no, no. Let’s do, reverse cowgirl. There we go.

[Regine sits on Michael’s lap]

Um, and do you mind if I scratch your head, your scalp while I do it.

Regine: Oh, don’t.

Michael: Okay, here we go.

[Michael caresses Regine’s hair. She is going crazy again.]

Oh, there we go. My dearest Regine. You have opened my mind. I hope you do the same to my friends. May you continue to stimulate us. Challenge us. Astound us. And correct us. You were like a hot Monalisa and she was drawn or painted with her mouth wide open. So to that stupid little smirk that we all human beings hate, right? To Regine.

Regine: To Regine.

Michael: There you go.

Vanessa: Okay. Is there any more food? I need to get something down my throat to fight what is coming up.

Beck: Yeah, here babe. [passing some food to her] No, no, no. Here, [passing to Michael and Regine] try the flat bread pizza. This is–

Regine: Flat bread pizza? What are we in? A line at Lego Land? No, thank you.

[Regine puts her cigarette down on the plate Beck passed.]

Aidy: [standing up] Okay, you know what Regine? If you’re having such a bad time, then maybe you should just go.

Michael: [yelling] Hey! Gosh! No! Look, if you’re not capable, [pointing everybody] you, you and you, you’re not capable of appreciating how special and remarkable Regine is, then maybe we should go.

Regine: No, no, no. No. We’re not going anywhere. This night is gonna be long. And we’re gonna talk about films and books and outsider art because I’m in love with this man. So now I’m in your life. Now watch what happens when I rest my hands on his upper butt.

Michael: What are you gonna do?

[Regine puts her hand on Michael’s upper butt. Michael is acting crazy.]

[The End]

100 days in jungle

Beck Bennett

Nathan… Pete Davidson

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Michael… Taran Killam

Denice… Vanessa Bayer

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Terry… Russell Crowe

[Starts with video clips of jungle]

Male voice: Exhaustion, starvation, dehydration. Who will survive them all to last 100 days in the jungle.

[Cut to Beck briefing the contestants]

Beck: Michael, Rebecca, Nathan. You’ve all made it to day 94. I know it’s been hard and I’m sure you all miss your families.

Michael: Yeah.

Rebecca: So much.

Nathan: A lot.

Beck: Well, you’re in luck because we have a surprise. We’ve flown in a loved one for each of you. And they’re here now. Michael, say hi to your wife of fifteen years, Denice.

[Denice walks in]

Michael: Denice? Denice, oh my god! [kissing] Oh, I missed you. How are our kids?

Denice: Oh, they’re good. They’re rooting for their daddy.

Beck: Rebecca, say hi to your mom, Joan.

[Joan walks in]

Rebecca: Mommy! Oh my god! You’re here.

Joan: I am here. [hugging] I love you sweetheart.

Beck: And finally, Nathan, say hi to your uncle’s friend, Terry.

[Nathan losing his smile]

Nathan: Who?

[Terry comes in]

Terry: Hey buddy. It’s me. Your uncle’s friend, Terry. Ha-ha. Hey buddy. Ay! Ay! Remember me? Yeah, you do. Come on! We used to live in a tent in your uncle’s backyard. Come on.

Nathan: Oh, right. Hey man, I’m sorry but where’s my parents?

Beck: They had a thing and couldn’t move it. But Nathan, how does it feel to see your uncle’s friend, Terry?

Nathan: Um, kind of weird. Like, we’ve only met a couple of times. And one year we had Christmas at my uncle’s and Terry made us all go outside and watch him drink a two liter bottle of Sprite outside the house.

Terry: Oh, everyone was saying, [hooting] “Terry! Terry! Terry!” Best day of my life, buddy, buddy boy.

Nathan: Only you were chanting that.

Beck: Michael and Rebecca, how are you feeling? You look so shocked to see your family.

Michael: Oh, my god. I am so shocked.

Rebecca: You have no idea. It’s crazy.

Nathan: Um, I’m probably the most shocked. Jus coz like I have seven brothers and sisters, also a girlfriend of three years and none of them could be here?

Beck: Unfortunately, no. They are not here. But your uncle’s friend Terry is. And as an added surprise, Thanks to the new Sony 4K UltraHD TV, you get to say hello to more loved ones.

[someone brings in a TV]

Take a look.

[Michael’s children appear on the TV]

Children: We miss you, daddy.

Michael: Oh, I miss them so much. Hi Noah. Hi Emily. [kisses] [Rebecca’s dad appears on the TV holding a dog]

Dad: Hi, Becky. My love is with you. Hi.

Rebecca: Wow, dad and Milo. I love you guys.

[Leslie appears on the TV]

Leslie: [Crying] Terry, it’s me. I need you. I messed up. I messed up real bad. If you don’t come home, I’ma kill myself.

Terry: Hey, baby. How are ya?

Nathan: Who is that?

Terry: It’s a girl I’m seeing. She steals credit cards for living. Hey, baby!

Beck: And now, one final twist. Your loved ones aren’t here just for fun. They’re here because today is a reward challenge and they will be competing on your behalf. How do you feel about that?

Michael: Absolutely great. My wife is the strongest woman I know.

Rebecca: My mom is my rock. She can do anything.

Nathan: Well, my uncle’s friend Terry once took me to see basic instincts, and during the whole middle part, he kept hitting my leg and said, “Here it comes.”

Terry: Damn right I did. That was the day you became a man.

Nathan: I was five.

[Someone brings in a table. There are three baskets on the table.]

Beck: Today’s competition is eating challenge. In front of each of your loved ones is a jungle delicacy. Whoever can eat their’s the fastest wins a reward for their loved one.

Nathan: Yeah. Can you stop saying loved one?

Beck: Denice, you have a cow’s tongue.

Denice: Oh, my god. I can’t eat that.

Michael: No, come on baby. You can do it.

Beck: Joan, you have a pig’s liver.

Joan: Oh, I think I’m gonna be sick.

Rebecca: Mom, you’ve got this.

Beck: And Nathan’s uncle’s friend Terry, you have a duck’s vagina.

Terry: Hell yeah player!

Beck: Oh your mark!

[Terry just picks the item up and eats it and starts dancing.]

Oh, wow! That was much quicker than we expected. Terry, you win. Nathan, you gotta be proud of your uncle’s friend Terry.

Nathan: I wouldn’t say proud. I mean, he just yelled, “Oh, hell yeah player!” and ate a duck vagina on TV.

Terry: [celebrating] Duck vagina.

Beck: Well, as today’s winners, you and your uncle’s friend Terry win a four course meal and a massage for two.

Terry: Oh, no, no. Can’t do that. I can’t do. I got stitches all over my back. Horse bit me.

Nathan: On your back? What is your life?

Beck: We’ll be right back on 100 days in the jungle.

[The End]

Picture Perfect

Host… Taran Killam

Michael… Beck Bennett

Michelle… Venessa Bayer

Rosie Perez… Cecily Strong

Daniel… Bobby Moynihan

Terra… Reese Witherspoon

Reginald VelJohnson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Picture Perfect intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time to play Picture Perfect.

[Cut to Host in his set]

Host: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to Picture Perfect. We have some terrific players here ready to draw their way to victory into our million dollar grand prize. To my left, [Cut to Michael and Michelle] we have Michael and Michelle Folten.

[Cut to Host]

And their celebrity teammate, she’s the co-host of ‘The View’, [Cut to Rosie Perez] it’s Rosie Perez.

Rosie Perez: Yeah! I wanna draw some pictures.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Ha-ha, you sure are Rosie. And over here, [Cut to Daniel and Terra] we got Daniel and Terra Hofman.

Terra: Woo-hoo! Hofman!

[Cut to Host]

Host: And um, you may remember their celebrity teammate, [Cut to Reginald VelJohnson] it’s Carl Winslow from TV’s Family Matters, Reginald VelJohnson.

[Cut to Host]

Ha-ha-ha, hey Reg, where is Erkle?

[Cut to Reginald VelJohnson shaking his head]

Reginald VelJohnson: Move on.

[Cut to Host]

Host: You got it, bud. Remember, if you get stuck halfway through, you can hand the pen off to a teammate. Foltens, show em’ how it’s done.

[Cut to the stage. Michael stands and walks to the canvas.]

Alright, here we go now. Your category is ‘At the movies’, and here is what you’ll be drawing.

[Host shows a flash card to Michael. “Gone Girl” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.]

Michael: Got it.

Host: Alright. Clock’s ready? Go!

[Michael draws a girl and and arrow]

Michelle: Um, it’s a girl. Oh, she’s gone.

Rosie Perez: Eva! Eva!

Michelle: Oh, oh! Gone Girl. Gone Girl.

[right answer bell]

Host: Yeah, okay! Wow. Wow. Excuse me. Hope they’re all not that easy, right? Hoffmans, you’re up.

[Daniel stands and walks to the canvas.]

Get up here, Daniel. Come on, Daniel. Daniel, tell me how you’re feeling.

Daniel: Well, I took a drawing class in college, so I think I’m gonna be just fine.

Terra: Yay! Daniel!

Host: Oh! Love, support, confidence. I like it. Your category is Trendsetters, and here’s what you’ll be drawing today.

Daniel: Alright.

[Host passes the flashcard to Daniel. “The Prophet Muhammad” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.] [Daniel looks around]

Um, wait.

Host: You ready to go, Daniel?

Daniel: No.

Host: Okay, go ahead. Put time on that clock.

Daniel: No, wait!

Host: And go.

Daniel: Wait! Um…

[Daniel just looks here and there]

Terra: Come on, honey. You can draw.

Daniel: Um, I can’t. I don’t think I can. Maybe pass!

Host: You cannot pass.

Daniel: Um, please!

Reginald VelJohnson: Come on! Just draw something, dude!

Terra: Daniel! It’s $1 million. Whoever it is, just draw his face.

Daniel: I dont…

Terra: raw his face Daniel.

Daniel: No, I don’t want to. I wanna go home.

[chiming sound]

Host: Oh, that sound means it’s a halfway beeper. Now remember Daniel, if you want, you can trade with your team.

Daniel: I wanna trade. I wanna trade.

[Reginald VelJohnson walks up and Daniel sits down.]

Reginald VelJohnson: Trade when it’s about time. You wanna see how it’s done? Fine, let me just read the clue.

[Reginald VelJohnson reads the flash card.]

Oh, I dropped my pen!

[Reginald VelJohnson threw his pen out of the stage]

Host: Alright. Well, while we get Reginald a new pen, a reminder, if they don’t win the million dollar prize, we will subtract $1 million from Hoffman’s bank account.

Terra: What?

Daniel: What? Why?

Terra: Come on, Reginald, you can do it. Take the pen.

[Host is passing Reginald VelJohnson a pen]

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: You can do it.

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: Erlke would do it!

[Reginald VelJohnson is determined now]

Reginald VelJohnson: Alright, give me the pen.

[time up beeper]

Host: Oh! I’m sorry. That’s time. Terra, your final guess. What did they draw?

Terra: I don’t know. The Prophet Muhammad?

[right answer bell]

Host: Oh, my goodness! That is correct! Wow, wow, wow! Again, the takeaway is these two men drew the Prophet Muhammad.

Daniel: No! We did not. We drew nothing.

Reginald VelJohnson: Oh! Sweet lord, they coming for me.

Host: You know they are, Reginald. They are coming. For more Picture Perfect, right after this!

[The End]

How 2 Dance with Janelle

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy… Kyle Mooney

Mom…Taraji P. Henson

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with How 2 dance with Janelle intro] [Cut to Janelle streaming live with her friend Teddy sitting behind her.]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, a.k.a. Jay Train, a.k.a. Janelle. And I’m here as always with my best friend Teddy.

Teddy: [walks near to Janelle] Best friend and prom date.

Janelle: That’s right. We’re going together as a joke. [laughs]

Teddy: So funny!

Janelle: Anyway, we’re live streaming today in honor of my channel hitting 1 million subscribers. So, shout out to my 1 million subscriber, Jeremy Gates from Danberi state penitentiary. [Janelle hits the play button and the music starts playing] Okay, let’s get dancing.

[Janelle and Teddy stand]

Today we’re gonna learn how to do the Do Drop. Alright Teddy, first you have to shake your shoulders like you’re cold then roll your body like it’s a snake. It’s easy. Let’s try it full speed.

[Janelle starts dancing]

Teddy: Oh, my god!

[Mom opens the door enters the room]

Mom: Woo-hoo! Y’all better be kissing in here.

Janelle: Ew, gross!

Teddy: Yeah, that’d be so gross.

[Janelle pauses the music]

Janelle: Can you leave? I’m doing my dances.

Mom: Oh, I know baby. Your brothers and friends are all watching in the living room.

[Michael walks in]

Michael: Janelle! None of my friends want to play Xbox with me.

Mom: Michael! Go take the garbage!

Michael: Mom, it’s not even making sense!

Mom: You better get out of here boy!

[Michael leaves]

Baby, show me the dance you were doing?

Janelle: Oh, it’s call the Do Drop. Like this.

[Janelle shows the dance.]

Mom: Oh, no, no, no. That is not how we move in this house. I raised you better than that. We move like this.

[Mom shows Janelle how to move even better.]

Teddy: [looking at Mom] Oh, how cool pillow. I’m just gonna put it right here.

[Janelle puts the pillow over his lap.]

Janelle: Oh, mom!

Mom: Please! You know I auditioned to be a fly girl. Now let me show you how real real woman dances.

Janelle: But I’m not a woman.

Mom: Well, your body disagrees. Alright, step one, jam!

[Mom plays the music and starts dancing]

Ay! Ay! Step two, it’s all about arms and back. You gotta pop it like this. Pop! Pop! Pop it out! Pop it! Pop it!

Janelle: It looks like someone’s trying to punch you in the spine.

Mom: That’s what’s hot about it. Pop it! Pop it!

[Janelle and Mom are dancing together]

Bang! Bang! Bang! Now, how does that feel for you?

Janelle: It hurts everything.

Mom: Hah! Then you’re doing it right, baby. Now watch this. This is when you’re dropping it low.

[Mom starts shaking her butt] [Michael walks in]

Michael: Mom, my friends are watching this!

Mom: Hey, boys! Don’t you eat all my food!

[Michael leaves]

Janelle: Teddy, get in here.

Mom: Yeah! Teddy!

[Janelle pulls Teddy in the middle of her and Mom.]

Mom: Come on, Teddy! You have to move your hips like this.

Janelle: Yeah, and move your arms and chest like this.

Mom: Yeah, go Teddy! Go Teddy!

[Teddy faints]

Is he alright?

Janelle: Yeah, he faints a lot. I’ll just get him some water.

Mom: Okay, baby. You go.

[Janelle leaves]

Mom: [looking at the computer] What’s that comment say? Do you know how to twerk? Oh, baby. I was made for–

[Michael storms in]

Michael: No, no, no, no.

[Michael is pressing all the buttons trying to stop the streaming] [This livestream has now ended.]

Martin Luther King Jr. Learns About the Country’s Equal Rights Progress

Mother… Kate McKinnon

Michael… Pete Davidson

Martin Luther King… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a mother checking on to her son.]

Mother: Michael, are you still up? It’s nearly midnight.

[Michael is using his laptop.] [cheers and applause]

Michael, you haven’t finished your paper yet?

Michael: I’m sorry mom, I just don’t know what to write about Martin Luther King.

Mother: Well, focus up pal. It’s due tomorrow.

[Michael closes his laptop]

Michael: Man! I just need a little help.

Male voice: Michael! Michael!

[Michael looking around to see who is calling him.] [Martin Luther King appears in front of him]

Michael: Wow, Martin Luther King?

Martin Luther King: Yeah!

Michael: I must be dreaming.

Martin Luther King: Hey, nothing wrong with dreaming. I heard you needed some help.

Michael: Yeah, I’m supposed to write a paper about your legacy but I don’t know what to say.

Martin Luther King: Oh, well, what do you know about me so far?

[Martin Luther King takes a seat beside Michael]

Michael: Well, you’re black, you’re a great leader and today you own a bunch of boulevards.

Martin Luther King: Uh-huh! Like in nice neighborhoods with gardens?

Michael: No. Kind of like where the Wu Tang Clan is from.

Martin Luther King: Okay. I guess we’re still climbing that mountain.

Michael: Oh, and on Monday, there’s this national holiday called Martin Luther King day.

Martin Luther King: Oh, wonderful. Is that a day when black and white Americans come together and reflect on the progress we’ve made?

Michael: Not really. It’s more like a day where my mom calls up work and says, “Do I have to come in today?” And they’re like, “Well, the offices are open but you don’t have to come in.” And my mom’s like, “Great! I won’t come in then.”

Martin Luther King: Uh-huh. Still climbing.

Michael: But the country made a lot of progress. We got a black president now.

Martin Luther King: Really?

Michael: Yeah. His name is Barack Obama.

Martin Luther King: It’s a Barck O what now?

Michael: Barack Obama.

Martin Luther King: I don’t know him. Sounds like a Kenyan Muslim.

Michael: No. He’s from Hawaii but he’s black. Well, half black. Like, his mother was white and his father was black.

Martin Luther King: Oh, so his parents are in jail?

Michael: No. No, no, no, no. People are fine with that now. I mean, you had a huge influence in this country.

Martin Luther King: Really?

Michael: Yeah. There’s a big movie that came out this week about you. It’s called Selma. And it looks great, like historical.

Martin Luther King: Well, I’d pay 50 cents to see that. I guess that will be nominated for a lot of Oscars, right?

Michael: Well…

Martin Luther King: Oh, that mountain is getting really high.

Michael: No, come on, man. Come on. What you did in Selma and stuff is still going on today. There were big protest about police violence just this year. Like, thousands of people.

Martin Luther King: Well, that’s good. And who led these protests? Who speaks for diversity today?

Michael: I don’t know. Maybe Michael Moore.

Martin Luther King: Michael Moore? Is he another black Hawaiian?

Michael: Oh, no. No. He’s from Seattle and he’s like the whitest dude on earth. The whitest.

Martin Luther King: Uh-huh. Mountain! And these protests. Did you join them? Like, are you part of the movement?

Michael: Oh, yeah, I definitely protested. It’s really easy now. You just take your phone here, right? Push this twitter button. Alright? Then type in #IAmFurguson or #We’reAllBlack or #Blessed. And then you’re done.

Martin Luther King: That’s how you protest?

Michael: Yeah!

Martin Luther King: Oh my god! That mountain is miles away.

Michael: No. Come on, Dr. King. You made a lot of progress. I’m a white kid, probably, in America and all my heroes are black. I mean they’re mostly rappers and NBA players but they’re still my heroes.

Martin Luther King: Well, that is progress I guess.

Michael: And look at it this way. You’ve got your own holiday and three white presidents share one.

Martin Luther King: Well, I do like that. But I’m afraid I haven’t helped you with your report.

Michael: Ah! Don’t worry. I’m just gonna go on Wikipedia and cut and paste the whole thing.

Martin Luther King: Ah! Very nice. And…

Michael and Martin Luther King: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Peter Pan Live

Michael…Kyle Mooney

Windy… Kate McKinnon

Peter Pan… Cecily Strong

John… Beck Bennett

Talkerbell… Aidy Bryant

Captain Hook… James Franco

[Starts with Peter Pan intro]

Male voice: We now return to Peter Pan live, starring Allison Williams and Christopher Walken.

[Cut to two men and a women tied on a wood in a ship.]

Michael: Windy, what do we do? Captain Hook is gonna make us walk the plank.

Windy: Don’t worry Michael. I’m sure Peter Pan will come to save us.

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: [cuckooing] Did somebody say my name?

[Cut to everybody.]

Michael, Windy and John: Peter Pan!

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: Yes, it is I. The boy who will never grow up. And yes, you heard me, I’m a boy. The most gorgeous womanly boy with shiny bright eyes and feminine features. A boy!

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: And look, it’s Tinkerbell.

[Cut to Peter Pan looking at the light]

Peter Pan: Well, Tinkerbell is out of town. But I found a replacement fairy.

[Cut to the fairy]

Talkerbell: Wad up, players? Yes, that’s right. It’s me Talkerbell. I am back and that’s what’s up.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Michael: Ew, Peter, what is that?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, please, fancy business baby. Okay, you know me. I’m Tinkerbell’s half sister. I’m half fly, half fairy, which means fairy dust-dust shake off my ass. But I also enjoy landing on raw meat and going like this.

[Talkerbell rubs her hands like a housefly.] [Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Talkabell, focus. We need to free Windy, Michael and John.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Yes, free us Talkabell.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, well, do not bust my ass around, okay? Peter, I do not work for you, okay? I work for myself and a reverse tooth fairy. That’s why I fly into kid’s bedrooms, I take a dollar and I leave one of my own teeth. And I got a lot of teeth, so business is very cool.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Wow, that story makes me want do dance with my shapely boy legs.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Oh, no, Peter. Look, here comes Captain Hook.

[Cut to Captain Hook . He is with his crew.]

Captain Hook: Well, hello there. It’s me, Captain Hook. The most terrifying pirate in all of– never land. Boo.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, this is Captain Hook? That’s a damn!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Wow. You’re not spooked by me?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, that’s a no, Hook. Coz with that make up, you look like a gay, sire.

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Well, maybe this scary song will change your mind.

[Captain Hook and the crew walk forward]

Hit it boys.

[Music playing. The crew start singing and dancing while Captain Hook stands still.]

Crew: Are you a scary pirate?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: With a tiny pink umbrella?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: And when we do all the singing

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: While you’re just kind of talking.

Captain Hook: Yes!

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, Captain Hook, even though you only got one hand, you should still be able to carry a tone. And you just got Talked!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Watch your tongue, Tongkerbell, or you’ll walk the plank with the children.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: [laughing] Okay, Hook, are you even hearing yourself now? Your life goal is to throw a bunch of toddlers into the ocean. You’re freaking. I like it.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: And you know what I like? Being a boy! And staring at HBO’s girls.

[music playing.] [singing] I’m not aware of too many things

I know what I know, if you know what I mean

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Enough singing! Peter Pan, I’ve come to fight you to the death.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, finally the main event. I better get my popcorn.

[Talkerbell gets a popcorn. The popcorn is bigger than her.] [Cut to everybody. Peter Pan and Captain Hook are going to fight.]

Peter Pan: You’re a worthy foe, Captain Hook. Get ready for the fight of your life!

[They start sword-fighting. Peter Pan hits Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Ah! Oh, I’m defeated.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, that was a fight scene? Oh! No, no, no, no! You wanna see a real fight, you bring me a humming bird and I will kill that dude.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: Talkabell, you’re weird.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, if I’m weird then why are all the boys after my ass? That’s right, I got a boyfriend, and yeah, he is the bat from that movie “Ferngully”. And yeah, he funny.

[The bat walks in]

Bat: You ready to go, Talkie baby?

Talkerbell: Oh, you know it. Okay, kids, I do gotta run because it’s almost the night time and that is when he truly comes alive. He see stupid good into dork. He got that sonar, you know, like, beep, beep, bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee. And that’s what’s up. Peter Pan, live, y’all!

[The End]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che at their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Malala Yousafzai at left top corner.]

Pakistani teenager Malala Yousafzai who is Colin Jost7 has become the youngest person ever to win the Noble Peace Price. So, a Pakistani teenager literally can change the world while American teenagers literally can’t even.

[Picture changes to the JFK airport and Ebola virus.]

Federal officials have begun screening for Ebola at New York’s JFK airport for all travelers arriving from west Africa. They are focusing on JFK because not even Ebola would go to Laguardia.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Secret Service logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House is denying claim that it covered up evidence of Secret Service agents sleeping with the prostitute in Michael Che0Colin JostMichael Che. Which apparently was the last time the Secret Service was on top of anything.

[Picture changes to the US country colored as LGBTQ flag.]

After the supreme court declined the rule on the issue of same sex marriage, it is now legal in 30 states. I’m happy for same sex couples, but I feel bad for a group of people that still get ignored in this country, and that’s gay dudes who really, really don’t want to get married and had really good excuse not to for so long. I know there are some dead big gay boyfriends out there like, “Yo! Carl! You know I wanna marry you.” “But, society man! Just won’t let us. Oh, well. I guess we gotta just keep boning casually till the world gets it’s tact together.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Kim Jong Un at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The mystery surrounding the well being in location of North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un deepened Friday when he missed a ceremony paying tribute to his late father and grandfather. Some think he has been overthrown, but my money’s on more of [picture changes to a boy in Winnie the Pooh cartoon pulling Kim Jong Un out of a hole instead of Pooh bear.] a Winnie the Pooh type situation.

Dance Vlog

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy Pascalis… Kyle Mooney

Dad… Chris Rock

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Jannele starting her youtube video]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, A.K.A. Nasty-nelle, A.K.A. Janelle. And I’m pumped to bring you my Dad00th dance tutorial. Shoutout to whoever started that countdown to my Janelle8th birthday. Don’t know what that’s about but whatever. We’re live streaming today, so holla at me in the comment section. And holla at my best friend, he’s one of my day ones. His name is Teddy Pascalis, A.K.A. Pants Gets Wets.

Teddy Pascalis: Nobody calls me that anymore.

Janelle: Yes they do. Anyway, we’re gonna learn the Nae Nae today. A move that came from early African dance, or Miley Cyrus.

[Teddy Pascalis walks in front of the camera]

Teddy Pascalis: Yes, and just so you guys know, dancing is one of my biggest fears. Right after spiders and my older brother Dyan. But I’ll do it for you. [stares at Janelle] I’ll do anything for you.

Janelle: [not noticing] I know, you say it everyday. Okay, [music starts] in order to Nae Nae, [Janelle and Teddy Pascalis stand to dance] you gotta put one arm up like this, right? Teddy, put a little higher. Now, start moving your hips. It’s real easy. All right, get in there. [Janelle is dancing but Teddy Pascalis is just moving his body.] [Dad opens the door and enters the room]

Dad: Hey, hey, Janelle. You’re Janelle5 now. You cannot have the door closed. And there’s a boy in your room. Dad! Oh my god! [music stops] He’s not a boy. He’s just Teddy.

Teddy Pascalis: Yeah.

Janelle: Can you please leave? It’s live streaming.

Dad: Oh, I’m not going anywhere. Your brother told me you’re up here dancing on the internet.

[Michael peeking from the door]

Michael: I did. I told on you. Ooh! You in trouble. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Dad: Michael! Go sweep the driveway.

Michael: Dad! That’s not even a real chore.

Dad: What’s all this?

Janelle: Those are my fans, dad. They are just commenting on the video.

Dad: Okay. [Dad comes close to the computer] Who is Nuggettugget9-5, and why is he saying, “#woodbang”? What the hell is fap? I’m fapping. She makes me wanna fap. Michael! [Michael runs in] What’s fap mean?

Michael: Um, it’s what you caught me doing in my bedroom and we still haven’t talked about it.

[Michael runs out]

Dad: What? Hey, no fapping!

Janelle: Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my just my friend.

Teddy Pascalis: I love you.

Janelle: Argh! Dad, can I just finish doing the Nae Nae?

[Janelle starts dancing a little]

Dad: That’s too grown!

Janelle: Okay fine. I’ll show you guys the copperhead. It’s easy. It’s like a standing push up. I barely even move.

Dad: I’m watching you.

[Janelle is showing how to do the copperhead]

Teddy! Keep your hands out of pockets!

Janelle: Okay, let’s try with the music. [music starts and Janelle starts the move] [Janelle starts to shake her butt turning back]

Dad: No, no, no, no! [Dad runs to the computer and starts pressing random buttons on the keyboard.]

Janelle: Dad!

Dad: What’s happening? [He turned the video black & white]

Janelle: Dad! You’re changing the filter. Dad! Stop it!

Dad: Janelle. Either you don’t realize how much your body has matured over the summer, or you’re literally trying to kill me.

Janelle: Dad, there’s nothing sexy about that dance.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Teddy, stand up!

[Teddy is sitting with a pillow covering his lap to stomach.]

Teddy Pascalis: No, thank you sir.

Janelle: What dance am I supposed to do, dad? This is a dance vlog, and it means everything to me.

Dad: Okay, I’ll show you what dancing is. Put on some song.

[Janelle plays a music] [Dad looking at the camera] No fapping!

[Dad starts dancing]

See Janelle? This is dancing. Whoo! [Janelle starts dancing like her dad] Get it! There you go!

[Janelle slowly starts moving her body differently and then dances her own dance.]

Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Janelle: I can’t help it, dad. This is what my body wants to do.

Dad: Do you want me to send you to Catholic school?

Janelle: Oh, my god! Dad! You ruined this for my 3 million viewers. I hate you.

[Janelle walks out]

Dad: 3 million? Teddy go home.

Teddy Pascalis: Still not a great time for me to stand up sir.

Dad: Oh, Teddy! [looking at the computer] How do you turn this thing off?

[Dad presses a button and changes the filter again.]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I look crazy. The show is over.

[Live stream on YouTube ends.]