Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che at their news set.]
Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Malala Yousafzai at left top corner.]
Pakistani teenager Malala Yousafzai who is Colin Jost7 has become the youngest person ever to win the Noble Peace Price. So, a Pakistani teenager literally can change the world while American teenagers literally can’t even.[Picture changes to the JFK airport and Ebola virus.]
Federal officials have begun screening for Ebola at New York’s JFK airport for all travelers arriving from west Africa. They are focusing on JFK because not even Ebola would go to Laguardia.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Secret Service logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The White House is denying claim that it covered up evidence of Secret Service agents sleeping with the prostitute in Michael Che0Colin JostMichael Che. Which apparently was the last time the Secret Service was on top of anything.[Picture changes to the US country colored as LGBTQ flag.]
After the supreme court declined the rule on the issue of same sex marriage, it is now legal in 30 states. I’m happy for same sex couples, but I feel bad for a group of people that still get ignored in this country, and that’s gay dudes who really, really don’t want to get married and had really good excuse not to for so long. I know there are some dead big gay boyfriends out there like, “Yo! Carl! You know I wanna marry you.” “But, society man! Just won’t let us. Oh, well. I guess we gotta just keep boning casually till the world gets it’s tact together.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Kim Jong Un at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The mystery surrounding the well being in location of North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un deepened Friday when he missed a ceremony paying tribute to his late father and grandfather. Some think he has been overthrown, but my money’s on more of [picture changes to a boy in Winnie the Pooh cartoon pulling Kim Jong Un out of a hole instead of Pooh bear.] a Winnie the Pooh type situation.