Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat
Jim Jordan… Mikey Day
Marie Yovanovitch… Cecily Strong
Bill Taylor
Rudy Guiliani… Kate McKinnon
Gordon Sondland… Kyle Mooney
Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with an intro]
Announcer: This week, 13 million Americans tuned in to watch the impeach hearings, as multiple officials testified against President Trump. But some complained the hearings were ‘lacking in pizzazz,’ ‘dull,’ and ‘not the masked singer.’ So to make sure people are paying attention, we now present the hearings in a way that underscores how scandalous these revelations really are. This is… “Days of our Impeachment”, where only thing at stake is democracy. Starring Adam Schiff.
Adam Schiff: Excitement, emotion and none of it from me.
Announcer: The cross examiner with a mysterious brain injury, Jim Jordan.
Jim Jordan: I got my sleeves rolled up because my job is yelling at a woman.
Announcer: The former ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch.
Marie Yovanovitch: Why did Trump come after me? I committed the ultimate sin. I was good at my job.
Announcer: And Jon Hamm as career diplomatic, Bill Taylor.
Bill Taylor: I don’t just kiss and tell. I kiss and tell, and I take notes.
Announcer: Like the real timeline, this is Days Of Our Impeachment.
[Cut to the impeachment]
Adam Schiff: Ordering the chamber, ambassador Yovanovitch, your opening statement?
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]
Marie Yovanovitch: Thank you, chairman Schiff. If that is your real name.
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: It is.
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]
Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, great. I’m only here today because I was a target of a smear campaign by President Trump and Rudy Giuliani that left me publicly humiliated and without a job.
[Cut to Jim Jordan]
Jim Jordan: Enough! Enough! This witness is clearly here because she loves attention.
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]
Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yeah. I love the glamor and the spotlight. That’s why I spent my career in Ukraine and Somalia.
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: Funny you should mention Solamia. Because the president—[suspicious sound]
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]
Marie Yovanovitch: Is right behind me? Is that why you look so shocked?
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: No. This is just how my eyes look. The president just sent a tweet.
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi behind her.]
Heidi: A tweet? Oh! [Heidi faints]
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: Let the record show the President is intimidating the witness.
[Cut to Jim Jordan]
Jim Jordan: Intimidating? If the president wanted to intimidate you, he’d shoot you in the face in the 5th avenue.
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch]
Marie Yovanovitch: Okay, and then would you impeach him?
[Cut to Jim Jordan]
Jim Jordan: Well, we would have to look at the facts but no.
[Cut to Marie Yovanovitch. Bill Taylor walks to the seat near her.]
Bill Taylor: Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: Bill Taylor?
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: What are you dong here?
[Cut to Bill Taylor]
Bill Taylor: Unlike the people in the Trump administration, I show up. And I have a bombshell revelation. There was a second phone call.
[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Heidi]
Heidi: A second phone call? [Heidi faints again]
[Cut to Bill Taylor]
Bill Taylor: That’s right. You knew about the first call but no one expected phone call number two.
[Rudy Giuliani walks in]
Rudy Giuliani: Did someone say unexpected number two?
Bill Taylor: Rudy Giuliani?
Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. Mercury is in retro grade so my powers are at an all time high. And I have an insurance policy in case the president turns against me. I’m going to die in a mysterious boat explosion.
Bill Taylor: You’re going to fake your own death.
Rudy Giuliani: Fake it? Oh, great! I’ll do that.
[Cut to the show intro]
Announcer: The show critics are calling “necessary to get people’s attention,” and “the first soap where you can’t imagine any of the people in it having sex.”
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: The chair now recognizes–
Unknown voice: Not so fast!
[Cut to Bill Taylor, Marie Yovanovitch and Mitch McConnell]
Marie Yovanovitch: Mitch McConnell?
Mitch McConnell: That’s right. And the senate has voted. Acquitted.
Bill Taylor: But this matter is not even before the senate yet.
[Cut to Mitch McConnell]
Mitch McConnell: Oh, sorry. Sorry for the spoiler. Just tell me when I’m supposed to say it. Acquitted.
[Cut to everybody]
Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: Rudy, you’re facing the wrong direction.
Rudy Giuliani: Oh, where? Oh, where the cameras at? Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: You had a new revelation, too?
Rudy Giuliani: No. I meant, not so fast like, don’t talk so fast. I’m having trouble understanding what’s happening. Normally I watch fox news in low motion with the sound turned up to 100.
[Cut to the show intro]
Announcer: A ‘ridiculous melodrama’ that ‘somehow less crazy than what’s really happening in our government.’
[Cut to Bill Taylor]
Bill Taylor: Gordon Sondland told me Trump was withholding aid to get political dirt on Biden. I rarely say this as a diplomat, but I told him that was cuckoo-doo-doo-nut-sack-bananas.
Gordan Sondland: Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: Ambassador Gordon Sondland?
Gordan Sondland: That’s right. I’m part of this too. And I know that I said in earlier testimony that there was no quid pro quo. But that’s because I had amnesia. My amnesia is fine again and I remember, there was a quid pro quo.
[Cut to everybody]
Heidi: Aladin phrase? [Heidi faints again]
Michael Avenatti: Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti?
Michael Avenatti: That’s right. I’m that name you just said. I have a bombshell that will change everything. The president had an affair. [suspicious sound]
Marie Yovanovitch: Oh, yes. We know.
Michael Avenatti: Oh, you do?
Bill Taylor: That story is from like last season.
Michael Avenatti: Oh, alright. Very well. [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Then maybe this will interest you. The affair was with a porn star. [suspicious sound]
[Cut to everybody]
Marie Yovanovitch: Yes, but we know. No one seems to care.
Michael Avenatti: Oh, really? Oh, damn! Alright. Oh fine, I’ll go. You haven’t seen the last of me. Who am I playing again?
Marie Yovanovitch: Michael Avenatti.
Michael Avenatti: Michael Avocado.
[Cut to the show intro]
Announcer: And featuring the telenovela sensation, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.
[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio Cortez]
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: This hearing is lacking one thing. A star. That is why you need Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.
Man: Alexandria. I didn’t expect to see you here.
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: And I din’t expect you to be such a low key daddy. Now, here’s a red new deal. It’s my lips.
[They kiss]
[Cut to Jim Jordan]
Jim Jordan: Okay. What? Chairman? I object.
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: I’ll allow it.
[Cut to Myles Garrett, Bill Taylor and Marie Yovanovitch]
Myles Garrett : Enough!
Marie Yovanovitch: Wait. The guy with the helmet?
[Cut to Myles Garrett]
Myles Garrett: That’s right. I have seen enough. I am tired of being falsely accused. You see, what had happened was I saw another player who had lost his helmet somehow and I thought, “Oh, he should be wearing a helmet.” So, I attempted to put it back on his head.
[Cut to Adam Schiff]
Adam Schiff: Mr. Garrett, you are on trial here.
[Cut to Myles Garrett]
Myles Garrett: Oh, I know. President Trump just pardoned me too for the warcraft. He said I could bring a helmet to Afghanistan and just go nuts. Rudy Giuliani: Not so fast.
Marie Yovanovitch: It’s Rudy Giuliani’s evil twin.
Rudy Giuliani: Oh, no, just regular Rudy. I tried to do that thing where you hold up a magnifying glass and say I’m going to look into that but instead I grabbed a hammer. I took my own eye off. Not my best day. Not my worst.
[Cut to Myles Garrett]
Myles Garrett: Oh my god, it’s a bad person. [Myles Garrett hits Rudy Giuliani with his helmet]
Bill Taylor: Is Rudy okay?
Rudy Giuliani: I think he might have fixed me. But to find it, you’ll have to tune in next time on—
Everybody: Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!