Weekend Update- Vin Diesel Releases Song

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching an injured puppy try to cross a busy highway, said that the senate would move forward with a vote on Trump’s supreme court nominee even though he denied Obama’s nominee a vote in Michael Che0Colin Jost6. And if that makes you angry at Mitch McConnell, you’re going to be really upset when you find out your anger sexually excites him.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tennessee Titans logo at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: That’s gross. The Tennessee Titans halted in person wokouts after three players tested positive for the coronavirus. Well, I guess we’ve got to cancel the whole season and forget it ever happened, said the New York Jets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says ‘woman arrested for importing bull semen’ at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: This is fun. A Canadian was fined more than $Michael Che5,000 for illegally importing bull semen. Meanwhile, in the US, bull semen is sold legally under the name ‘White Claw’. [Picture changes to three cans of White Claw soda.] [Picture changes to a news article that says ‘New law making boards of directors more diverse’.]

A new law has been passed in California requiring companies to have more diversity in their board of directors, which is how I forced my way on to the board of BET. “BET, there’s gonna be some changes around here.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a lizard at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: The CDC reported that there’s a salmonella outbreak involving people who had pet bearded dragons. So, if you have one at home, remember to cook them all the way through.

[Picture changes to Vin Diesel]

Actor Vin Diesel has released a dance music song called “Feel like I do.” And look, I know a lot of people are making fun of him and saying it’s terrible and he should stick to acting…

[Michael Che looks away] [Cut to Colin Jost. He is waiting for Michael Che to finish. There’s a picture of Pogo stick at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: A seven year old boy in Pennsylvania set a new world record by bouncing on a pogo stick over Michael Che,000 times in a row. Said the boys parents, “Open the schools!”

Weekend Update- Trump Tests Positive for Covid

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hello. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s an article that says “Trump Tests Positive” and a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, say what you will about 2020, but it’s got moves. This news was a lot for us to process a day before we came on air after four months off. And it all happened so fast, I woke up yesterday and heard the president had mild symptoms. And then four hours later, he was getting medevaced to a hospital in what looked like the last chopper at Vietnam. I gotta say, it’s a bad sign for America that when Trump said he tested positive for a virus, 60% of people were like, “Prove it.” And it’s been very weird to see all these people who clearly hate Trump come out and say, “We wish him well.” I think a lot of them are just guilty that their first wish came true.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, well, you know, politics aside, this is an awful news for us because Trump was actually supposed to host SNL next week. [laughing] Okay, serious voice. While in the hospital, the president isn’t allowed to see any guest but he is expected to be visited by three ghosts, probably one from his past, one from his future. Okay, look, this is weird because a lot of people on both sides are saying there’s nothing funny about Trump being hospitalized with coronavirus, even though he marked the safety precautions for the coronavirus and those people are obviously wrong. There’s a lot funny about this. Maybe not from a moral stand point, but mathematically. If you were constructing a joke, this is all the ingredients you need. The problem is, it’s almost too funny. Like, it’s so on the note. It’d be like if I was making fun of people who wear belts and then my pants just immediately fell down.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and LGBTQ flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new poll shows 75% of LGBTQ voters supports Joe Biden. But 0% of them support Joe Biden guessing what the BTQ stand for. I gotta say, you know who’s got my support for president? [Picture changes to Adam Silver and NBA logo] NBA commissioner Adam Silver. He somehow built a bubble that is better than anything our government could come up with. Instead of stopping the bubble when the season ends, why don’t they just slowly expand it until it covers the whole country? Just saying.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Che at right top corner.]

Michael Che: By the way, is anyone surprised by this? I honestly thought Trump was trying to get coronavirus. I thought it was like “Groundhog Day” when Bill Murray knew he couldn’t die and he was just trying anything. So, all those maskless rallies Trump was having, that was him being safe? But I don’t want the president to die, obviously. Actually, I wish him a very lengthy recovery.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I will say that despite everything, president Trump actually seems to be in good spirits. He tweeted a message that ended with ‘love’ and three exclamation points. Oh-oh. So, it sounds like they’re cutting his hydroxychloroquine with a little bit of molly. And then, this was good. Just hours ago, Trump released a video from the hospital saying he’s in better health which is great news. Though, I will point out, that if the situation were reversed and it was Biden who got sick, Trump would have Colin Jost00% be at a maskless rally tonight getting huge laughs doing an impression of Biden on a ventilator. Just saying.

Weekend Update- Chen Biao on TikTok

Chen Biao… Bowen Yang

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, a judge blocked America’s ban on the Chinese owned app TikTok which the White House claims is a threat to national security. And here to comment is Chinese Trade Minister, Chen Biao

[Chen Biao slides in] [cheers and applause]

Chen Biao: What’s poppin’ Michae Che? Trade daddy dropped the addie.

Michael Che: Well, it’s good to see you, Chen. So, you’re the one overseeing this TikTok deal?

Chen Biao: Yeah. No one else could do it but me coz I’m a savage, classy, boozy, loyal supplicant to the communist party.

Michael Che: Well, speaking of that, there’s concern the government of China could be stealing our data? Our user data with this TikTok app? What do you think it is?

Chen Biao: Okay. You’re worried that we’re stealing your identity? Honey, your phone unlocks with your face. Plus, America steals Chinese stuff everyday. Banning parts of the internet, arresting protestors, fireworks. It’s a hypocrisy for me, Che.

Michael Che: So, you’re not collecting our user data?

Chen Biao: I mean, we have it. But none of it is even that juicy. Like, “Oh, you googled ‘cousin greg shirtless’ Michael Che0 times last month.” You’re not quirky. You’re just horny, Savannah.

Michael Che: Who is Savannah?

Chen Biao: Some girl who said she is ‘doing the work’ on racism from her family’s house in Nantucket. Boat shoe wearing bitch!

Michael Che: Oh, well, the deal requires that TikTok be partially owned by an American company which is most likely gonna be Walmart.

Chen Biao: [sarcasm] Ooh. Walmart, brick and mortar, cool. How long did that brainstorm last? Look, if you said name an American company and I said “Walmart”, that would make me racist. But I guess cracker barrel didn’t want to play ball.

Michael Che: Alright. So, you seem pretty annoyed.

Chen Biao: I mean, yeah. I’m salty, Che. This has been a really hard time for China.

Michael Che: Because of the virus?

Chen Biao: No. Because live action Mulan was just okay. No songs, no mushu, no $30 from me, Disney Plus.

Michael Che: Well, does all this make you worried about the future of TikTok?

Chen Biao: Oh, no, babe. You cannot stop TikTok. We took videos and we made them shorter. We took babies and we made them cuter. We took lip syncs and we made them straight. So, you wanna stop China and get in the way of us? Well, I just checked my Fenty collab Rolex an you’re running out of time, so…

[Cut to a TikTok video of Chen Biao. It’s a female dialog and Chen Biao is doing the lip sync.]

Female voice: Girl, don’t do it. It’s not worth it. I’m not going to do it, girl. I was just thinking about it. I’m not gonna do it.

Chen Biao: TikTok!

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

[Cut back to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Chen Biao: I get it. I get it.

Weekend Update- Carrie Krum on Vacationing During the Pandemic

Carrie Krum… Aidy Bryant

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tourism and airplane travel have been hit, specially hard by the coronavirus this year. Here to comment on the changing state of her industry is seventh grade travel expert Carrie Krum.

[Carrie Krum slides in]

Carrie Krum: Wow! I missed you, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, Carrie. I missed you too. How was your summer?

Carrie Krum: Oh, it was awesome. My mom bought a chef hat for when I make pizza and my brother shot me twice with a paint ball gun.

Michael Che: Well, that’s pretty impressive. So, Carrie, you must have been sad that you couldn’t take any of your fun trips this summer?

Carrie Krum: Oh, Michael. Being at home is the ultimate vacation. You got my room, my mom’s room, a small decorative box filled with my baby teeth, and an irrigation ditch where all my pets were laid to rest. And did you know, Michael? Church is illegal right now, so we listen to it on the radio. And Michael… Michael… I listened to church in a tankini.

Michael Che: Oh, that all sounds fun. So, what are some tips on how people can enjoy a good stay-cation?

Carrie Krum: Oh! Well, bring the beach to you with something my family likes to call ‘the hose in the driveway’. It’s like a refreshing pool where you don’t have to know where you swim and the water tastes like dirt and metal.

Michael Che: Okay, Carrie. Well, what about something fun for kids who are going back to school online?

Carrie Krum: Well, yeah. You gotta make the best of the hard times. I mean, I am loving computer school. I’m never on mute, I’m always talking, always moving, and I can’t stop looking at myself. And I didn’t think that I could ever have a crush over Zoom but Jack Mathers, I mean during Social Studies, I can see his bed room. And Michael… Michael… he’s got a big lizard in there. Bad boy. Ooh!

Michael Che: Okay, yeah. Alright. Well, is it hard to not hangout with your friends at least?

Carrie Krum: Well, technically, I’m never alone because fairies are real and when it rains, it becomes easier to see them.

Michael Che: So, it sounds like you actually sort of thrived in quarantine?

Carrie Krum: Well, yeah. Except for– Well, my mom said I need to get… [mumbling]

Michael Che: A what?

Carrie Krum: A tank-top with support. It’s not a bra, but it do press down.

Michael Che: Oh my gosh.

Carrie Krum: And then my brother Mitchell found it and he put it on and he stuffed toilet paper in the holders, and he was walking around doing a chi-chi dance and I screamed so loud that my dad thought that I had been hurt. Whatever though. I started drinking sprite out of a coffee cup. So, I’m adult.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Trump’s Valet Tests Positive for Coronavirus

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Micahel Che in their home]

Colin Jost: Welcome to the last Weekend Update Home Edition, we think. I’m Colin Jost. ne.

Micahel Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left side.]

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. A personal Valet who handles president Trump’s meals has tested positive for the coronavirus. The news was first reported on CNN while the anchors tried not to smile. Trump also traveled to Arizona to visit a factory making respirator masks and you’re totally going to believe this, he didn’t wear a mask. He did however wear goggles for some reason. And I gotta say, he looks special. He looks like they talked him out of wearing a cape. I’m not saying the virus started in a laboratory, but if it did, it was a guy who looked like this who snuck in at night to pet the bats.

Micahel Che: Look. Obviously, this pandemic has been tough for everybody. I lost my grandmother. Colin, you lost J. Crew. Everything’s changing so fast. But what if this is my last time on TV? That sounds dramatic but I got a whole summer to survive. I mean, not just the virus, I got to worry about the police. You know, 40 people were arrested in New York for not social distancing and 35 of them were black, four were hispanic and only one was white. I guess white people are harder to catch coz they’re all greased up in sunscreen at Central Park, right Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m not ready to joke about J Crew yet. Tara Reade, the woman who accused Joe Biden of sexual assault is calling on him to drop out of the race. Replied Biden, “Wait, I’m still on the race?”

I don’t know whether the allegations against Joe Biden are true and I’m not sure Joe Biden does either. He probably has an easier time remembering Tara Reade if her name was like, Waffle Fries Johnson. What I do know is this is a really good argument for a female president. Like, you’ll never hear about Angela Merkel just grabbing some dude’s crotch. And if she did, it would be with a consent at a bdsm club in Dusseldorf.

Micahel Che: I mean, it’s just too much for me to worry about. You know, two white men in Georgia shot a black man for jogging in their neighborhood, Colin. Jogging! Said he looked suspicious. Look, I don’t want to brag, but I live in a very, very, very white neighborhood. And I spent so much of my time trying not to look suspicious to white neighbors. It’s exhausting. I don’t even feel comfortable wearing mask in public coz I feel it’s entrapment. But even I can’t think of something less suspicious in a white neighborhood than jogging. Except maybe tinkering on a trans am listening to Whitesnake or walking a toddler on a leash. I mean, what else can we do?

Colin Jost: Axl Rose from Guns N’ Roses got into a twitter feud with Steve Mnuchin over administration’s coronavirus response. And no matter what your politics are, I think we can all agree that’s the dumbest sentence to ever count as news. Mnuchin attacked Axl Rose writinge “What have you done for this country?” Well, what Axl Rose did for this country was, his band tried to win the war on drugs by doing all the cocaine themselves.

Micahel Che: And Colin, now they got murder hornets coming out. Did you hear about the murder hornets? So, let me get this straight. I got to try to survive this summer, the coronavirus, the police, basic cardio and now big ass murder hornets? Is this real life or am I on “American Ninja Warrior?” Why do I feel like I’m living in the old testament? Look, if I get murdered by giant hornets, that’s just on me, man. I had it coming. Okay? I guess that just serves me, right? Call it karma. But Colin, just don’t tell my parents or wikipedia that the hornets got me. Just say it was the police orr I was masturbating with a belt and miscalculate the timing or something. Anything else to save me some dignity. Coz I can’t let history know me as that.

Colin Jost: The New YOrk subway will be closed for several hours every night to give workers time to thoroughly clean the trains. While the Staten Island ferry will be closed for 30 seconds to be sprayed with Drakkar Noir.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Tina Fey on Mother’s Day

Michael Che

Tina Fey

[Starts with Michael Che in his home]

Michael Che: And here with a message for mothers this Mother’s Day is our old friend, Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Hello. Thank you, Che. I hope this email finds you well.

Michael Che: Well, How have you ben holding up during this quarantine?

Tina Fey: Michael, I can only say, so far, so good. Like, so many of us, I’m trying to focus on the positive. This is a historic time. An opportunity to be still and focus on what really matters in life. For example, I’m getting to spend so much more time with my passwords. Apple ID, Hulu, Nintendo, Slack, Zoom, Google Hangouts, Spectrum Cable, Amazon, that other stupid Amazon app for watching things. All my passwords are a little bit different and beautiful in their own way. And I see that now. Also, my kids are here.

Michael Che: Oh.

Tina Fey: And yes, it’s stressful to be in New York sometimes. I miss going to the grocery store. But there are so many great hacks you get off the internet. For example, did you know that if you’re baking cookies and you don’t have any flour, you can just go to bed. Yeah, you can all just shut your mouths and go to bed. I’m focusing on the many beautiful lessons I’ve learned. Do you know that the phrase- ‘viney bitretum savitas ponum’ means in Latin?

Michael Che: Nope.

Tina Fey: It doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know Latin, Che. but now I’m in charge of teaching it to my kids. I’ve been making up gibberish and saying that’s Latin. I’m sorry, school.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Tina Fey: And it’s okay to try to find little moments of levity and joy. When the news is too much and I need to laugh, I like to think about three months ago when everyone was so worried about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh my god. You’re free, guys. No one cares who pays for your Vancouver security detail anymore. I can’t even remember what they look like. I think they both have eyes. Anyway, Che, I wanted to offer a special prayer for mothers everywhere this Mother’s Day. This mother’s day give us the grace to accept the things that cannot be changed. Like, the sheets. I can’t do it anymore, Che. I’ve changed them eight times already. Shouldn’t they just be clean forever now? Give us the courage to change the things we can. Like, our Zoom background, from a tropical beach to a picture of Governor Cuomo holding you like a baby. You can hit his nipple ring like a rattle. To a picture of my foot, two months ago when it still looked human. Mothers, may you take this journey one day at a time. This pandemic is far from over and there will be many emotional ups and downs. Ride those waves, mothers. Ride them like, a day drunk boomer at currently open Georgia Water Park. #ad #CatchTheFun. May we be kind to ourselves. Remember, the only way out of a feeling is through it. Don’t be afraid to be emotional in front of your kids. These are crying times. Let them see you open mouth chew cold spaghetti while you scream words like “moron.” and “dunning kruger syndrome, look it up. He definitely has it,” at the news program of your choice. And if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, repeat these words to yourself. Repeat after me, Che. I am a good mother.

Michael Che: I am a good mother.

Tina Fey: My children know they’re loved.

Michael Che: My children have hopefully all been prevented.

Tina Fey: It’s not a blue state bailout, you turkey face.

Michael Che: It is not a blue state bailout, you all white meat turkey!

Tina Fey: In this moment, I am okay.

Michael Che: In this moment, I am okay.

Tina Fey: I smell fine.

Michael Che: When you say it like that, it makes me feel like you don’t, so…

Tina Fey: Lastly, lord, and most importantly– I couldn’t write this last part because I can’t focus anymore, Che.

Michael Che: Tina Fey everybody.

Tina Fey: Thank you, nurses. Thank you, doctors. Thank you, doormen.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Panda Express & Tom Cruise in Space

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Panda Express employees around the country are reporting an increase in racism directed at them due to the coronavirus. But it’s way worse for employees over at ‘Bat on a Stick.’

Michael Che: ESPN announced that it will start airing South Korean baseball games. So, I hope they don’t have trouble pronouncing the names of South Korean players like, Yang Heyon-Jong or Kim Jae-Hwan and god, I hope I’m not butchering this one,  Preston Tucker.

Colin Jost: Vermont police arrested a man who went into Dunkin’ Donuts and exposed himself to the clerk. Worse, he turned a regular coffee into a latte.

Michael Che: It was reported that Tom Cruise is working with Space X and NASA to film the first movie ever shot in space. Shot in space? Uh, SpaceJam?

A 93 year old man maid at a nursing home in California Hitchhiked to a local convenient store so he could buy a chocolate bar to split with his girlfriend. And also a box of Magnum XLs.

Colin Jost: Elon Musk and Grimes have named their baby this [X Æ A-Colin JostMichael Che appears on the screen], which I assume is the number you dial on California for child services.

Michael Che: GoDaddy has shut down a website that hosted a Miss Hitler beauty pageant. Coincidentally, Miss Hitler beauty pageant was the working title for the Ingraham Angle. By the way, Colin, if you’re wondering who the winner of the Miss Hitler pageant was, Miss Isreal.

Colin Jost: The actor who played the Mountain on The Game of Thrones set a new world record by deadlifting 1100 lbs in a competition. Unfortunately, officials still gave the gold medal to Bran for some [bleep] reason.

Michael Che: One of Michael Jordan’s former teammates Craig Hodges is criticizing Jordan saying that he broke the player’s code by revealing in the new documentary ‘The Last Dance’ that he saw teammates having cocaine party. Hodges said he’s like an apology from Jordan as well as just 20 bucks, or 10 bucks, or 5 bucks.

Colin Jost: You may remember, the last show as part of the All-in challenge, Che agreed to tell a joke on air written by a fan that he has never seen before. So, Michael, if you want to check your email, we sent the joke over. And when you read it, just remember, this raised a lot of money for charity.

Michael Che: Yeah, man. [reading the joke] Some airlines have announced that as part of coronavirus safety procedures, they will now be boarding from the back of the planes so that first class would be the last to board. Apparently, watching all the people in coach silently trudging past you just doesn’t hit the way it used to.

Colin Jost: Wow. Well, hundred grant well spent.

Michael Che: Yeah. That’s a lot of money. But you know, Colin, all this charity reminds me that I actually got a letter from a sick kid in a hospital and he said his one wish was for you to read a joke that he wrote for you. Yes. So, if you go to your email, you can just open it up. It’s literally right in there.

Colin Jost: [bleep] dammit. This is for a sick kid?

Michael Che: Yeah. Very sick boy.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, here it goes. A McDonald’s in China was criticized for posting a sign saying that black people were not allowed to enter. Which is the same sign I’m going to hang on my daughter.

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh my goodness. Whoa! Wow. He went in a slightly different direction than the guy that won the contest. That’s what’s so strange.

Colin Jost: If it’s to help a sick kid.

Michael Che: Yeah, man. He’s getting stronger as we speak.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Jeanine Pirro on Coronavirus Lockdown Protests

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Protests against the lockdowns have continued in states like Michigan  and California. Here to comment from her home is FOX News personality, Jeanine Pirro.

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening Colin. I hope you’ll forgive me. I had to do my own make up while looking into a spoon. [Her makeup and hair is horrible.]

Colin Jost: Yeh. Jeanine, are you okay?

Jeanine Pirro: I’m perfectly fine. Although, I admit that it’s been tough for all of us. For what seems like forever, I’ve been sitting at home drinking and complain to whoever would listen.Then this whole coronavirus thing happened.

Colin Jost: What do you think is going on with this virus?

Jeanine Pirro: There are so many theories. Some say the sun kills it. Some say it can be cured with the miracle drug, hydroxyclhoroquine. Right now, there’s a group of patriots in Michigan who believe you can kill virus by shooting it with an AR-Colin Jost5. It’s smart and I support it.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I have to ask, have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Not much. I’m just haveing a little of this boxed wine. [She’s drinking wing out of the box with straw.]

Colin Jost: Well, I guess clearly you think it’s time to reopen the country?

Jeanine Pirro: Of course, it is.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god, did you change? [She has changed her clothes to a yellow dress already.]

Jeanine Pirro: And this magnificent president is the one to lead the charge. Oh, have you seen him up there during these press conferences? Oh, mama. I just want to hide inside a 12 piece bucket of chicken and let him eat me alive.

[Some glitches appear on Jeanine Pirro’s side.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you having trouble with the Zoom?

Jeanine Pirro: You’re young. Tell me, is your computer supposed to say, “Please stop screaming?”

Colin Jost: I don’t think so. No. So, I’m sorry, you’re hoping we can just open up and take our chances? [Jeanine Pirro’s side blacks out.] We lost you again.

Jeanine Pirro: That’s the plan, Kemosabe! [When she appears back, she has combat bandanna on her forehead and has put on black marks on her face. Looks like she’s in the jungle.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Where are you?

Jeanine Pirro: Never mind, Anglie. This economy is a buttet train and it doesn’t stop for the weak. So, buy a ticket or get the hell out of th way. Toot-toot! [she’s drinking drink out of a coconut shell.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Jeanine, what are you drinking now?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, this? It’s called Pina Cloraxa. It’s pineapple juice, coconut milk and a half cup of bleach. And not the bottof shelf kind that they use on truck stop toilets. The good stuff. [takes a sip] Ooh, that’s cleansing. I can feel it in my chest.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hope you know that drinking bleach could kill you.

Jeanine Pirro: What?

[Jeanine Pirro throws the coconut shell away. Somehow the coconut shell hits Colin Jost’s head and the drink pours on his hair.]

Colin Jost: How did you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: I live in the upside-down, Ansley.

Colin Jost: Dammit! Jeanine Pirro, everyone. Oh my god! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Dammit!

Weekend Update Home Edition- Trump Suggests Injecting Disinfectant

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes.]

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update, home edition.. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left side.]

Colin Jost: Well, you know things are going well when “Don’g drink bleach” is trending nationally after a president’s speech. After a doctor said that coronavirus dies quickly in the sunlight, president Trump asked if they could bring the light inside the body. I’m pretty sure bring the light inside the body is what they chanted at Jones town before drinking poison. Then president clean suggested injecting disinfectant into your body to cure the virus. Experts call the idea “A stroke of genius,” minus the “Of genius” part.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right side.]

Michael Che: Trump laid a backtrack and said he was just being sarcastic which is just what you say when you know you’ve said something terrible. And you know Colin, speaking of terrible, you know how when a kid has really bad parents, somebody steps in and they have to go live with another family, right?.

Colin Jost: Sure.

Michael Che: You think it’s possible another country could come take custody of us, maybe? I mean, just until our government gets back on its feet. Somewhere stable like, Germany or Japan or Nigeria. Or even Iraq. I’ll take Iraq now. Don’t they owe us a favor anyway? Didn’t we like, kill their dad when they were in trouble? I’m being sarcastic, obviously.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: A man in Ohio was seen protesting ‘stay-at-home’ orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Said the man, “We need to re-open the [makes pressure sound] eeeeee-conomy. And fun fact, if American flag and a diaper are struck by lightening, they create a Shawn Hannity.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a protester with a gun at right side.]

Michael Che: You know, it’s funny that all the people protesting the stay-at-home order live in places where there’s nowhere to go anyway. I mean, I get why like, Vegas or Miami would want to open up. I mean, cocaine ain’t going to cut itself. But if you’re protesting in rural Texas or South Carolina, where else would you even be, Earl? Besides Walmart and your basement which is pretty much still open. Also, who are all these guns supposed to scare? The virus? The nurses? The police? It’s crazy now these red necks– excuse me, red states are always talking that support the troops and blue lives matter [bleep]. But then, they’re so quick to bring out their guns whenever their country wants something from them. I mean, how is that patriotic? That’s like saying, “I love my wife, but I keep a gun under my pillow just in case.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: Texas lieutenant governor Dan Patrick is urging his state to completely reopen saying, “There are more important things than living,” which is actually the slogan for the KFC $20 fill up menu.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: A growing number of anti-vaxxers are changing their minds about vaccinations in the wake of the coronavirus. Because, anit-vaxxers are worried that if they get the virus, they may not get the chance to breastfeed their teenagers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left side.]

Colin Jost: Rudy Giuliani appeared in the FOX News this week and said something so stupid, it was almost presidential. But all I really wanna know is, why does Rudy look like Mickey Rooney in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s?” Is he so mad about coronavirus that he’s actually turning into a racist asian stereotype?

Weekend Update Home Edition- Pete Davidson on Hooking Up During Quarantine

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: And now, joining us over Zoom to explain his experience in the last month is Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, Colin. It’s great to be here in my basement under strict quarantine. I’m not going near my mom or even answering her texts.

Colin Jost: That’s great. How are you guys holding up?

Pete Davidson: We’re good. You know, I haven’t gotten a face tattoo so far. A lot of people lost that bet. But we’re good, you know? The whole family’s family. Thank god everybody’s staying inside.

Colin Jost: Oh, good. Well, I’m glad they’re taking it seriously.

Pete Davidson: Well, me too, coz you have to understand this is Staten Island where up until now, washing your hands before dinner was known as “coming out of the closer.” But I know this is hard for everyone except you. You know, coz you’re locked in a house with Scarlett Johansson. You’re probably terrified they’re find the cure.

Colin Jost: It’s not true, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I know. I know. But still, you’re one of the lucky ones. You know? Everyone who isn’t a flat Earther is isolating at home right now. Which means you’re either having the most sex in your life or you’re like me and can now identify any pornstar by the back of her head. But it turns out people out there are still trying to hook up. I saw where the city even had to put out a pamphlet last month called “Sex and coronavirus 2019.”

Colin Jost: And what does it say?

Pete Davidson: Well, first it says you could have sex, but don’t kiss anyone. I just love that New York has the same policy as the prostitute in “The pretty woman.” I don’t even know if it’s about the disease or if it’s the city saying, “Don’t get involved. You don’t need that right now.” That’s how crazy this pandemic is. We’re learning that those weirdos who have sex in leather masks have been the smart ones all along. Also, it says the virus is not in semen. So, ladies, prepared to get DM’ed that fact a few thousand times this year. But the craziest thing is that right after they tell you not to kiss, they immediately get into something so dirty, I’m not even allowed to say it on air. So, let’s call em’ “Hiney smoocheroos.” Seriously, I can’t believe I have to sanitize the language of the health department to make it suitable for the show that brought you dick in a box. Here, take a look.

[A picture of the pamphlet appears]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What?

Pete Davidson: I know. Even I was like, “Geez, nyc.gov, we just met.” I really hope this started out as a very straight forward set of recommendations with no mention of hiney smoocheroos and one government employee was like, “Oh, so I guess we just don’t exist, huh? It’s 2020, you  polyannas!”

Colin Jost: “Polyannas” is not the reference that I expected.

Pete Davidson: I know.

Colin Jost: Was there anything else in there?

Pete Davidson: Yes, yes. They also warn you to wash up before masturbating. Which I already learned the hard way, thanks to a flaming hot cheetos incident.

Colin Jost: So, do you think the pamphlet went too far?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m glad they’re educating people about safe sex. I just never thought I’d get a semi reading dispatches from the health department. Thanks de Blasio.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m glad you’re staying safe. Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: It’s weird without an audience!