Tag: Michael Longfellow

Taboo

Sasha… Aubrey Plaxa

Ian… Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Michael Longfellow

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Ego: Okay, your parents live by one.

Kenan: School.

Ego: No.

Kenan: Beach.

Michael: Time’s up.

Heidi: You did so good. You sure you’ve never played taboo before?

Michael: Score’s 9 to 9. The coldest at game night, be wilda.

Heidi: Sweet, don’t say wilda. Alright. Next may be their game night debut, our new neighbors Sasha and Ian.

Ian: The news.

Sasha: Thanks again for having us. This is really fun.

Ian: Yeah, we’re so excited to get to know you guys.

Heidi: Oh my god. Of course. Here, neighbors are family. So remember, you need him to get the word on top without using any of the words underneath it. If you do, you get buzzed.

Michael: They know, honey. All right, ready? Go.

Sasha: Okay, um, I love buying these online.

Ian: Oh, boy. Shoes. Candles.

Sasha: No. Last week, you were like “Honey, the last thing you need is another…”

Ian: Gun.

Sasha: Yes.

Ego: Did he say gun?

Sasha: Okay. Oh, okay. I’m really cranky in the morning until I’ve had my…

Ian: Acid.

Sasha: Yes. Whoo! Oh, my nickname for your penis.

Ian: Oh, Tiny Tim.

Sasha: The other one.

Mickey: Garbage.

Sasha: Yes. Okay. At couple’s therapy, we took those tests.

Ian: Personality.

Sasha: Yes. And you’re a type A and I’m a…

Ian: Sociopath.

Sasha: Ding, ding. Oh, okay. Um, the night we met I was on…

Ian: Ketamine.

Sasha: And?

Ian: On parole.

Sasha: And?

Ian: On fire.

Sasha: Yes.

Ian: Yes!

Sasha: Wow. Wow. Okay. I am not legally allowed back in this state.

Ian: Oh my god, babe. Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida? Helped me out here babe.

Sasha: Skip. Okay.Okay, okay. Okay, who’s this? [acts crazy]

Ian: Amanda.

Sasha: Who is our?

Ian: Daughter.

Michael: Time’s up.

Ian: Whoo! It’s yum.

Sasha: Uh, you too.

Ian: We did good. And now we switch and Sasha guesses, right?

Heidi: Yeah, sorry. The night you met, you were on fire?

Sasha: Oh, yeah, it was so dumb. We were young and crazy. We were in our 30s.

Ian: Yeah. So. All right, ready? Okay, we switch. Ready? All right, baby. Ready?

Sasha: Yeah. This is really exciting.

Ian: I know.

Sasha: it’s turning me on.

Ian: Oh-oh.

Sasha: It’s happening.

Ian: All right.

Sasha: It’s happening.

Ian: That’s awesome. Remember, we’re in public.

Michael: Okay. Time starts now.

Ian: Okay, um, oh, you always steal these from hotels?

Sasha: Cars.

Ian: Yep.

Sasha: Yes. High-five. Okay, choke me.

Ian: No, not right now. When we get home, when we get home. Okay. Okay, last night when we argued, you threw one of these at me.

Sasha: Oh, wow. Okay. Plate. Mug. Phone. iPad Pro. iPad Mini. Fish tank. Butterknife. Steak knife. Butcher knife. Oh god. Oh. Just do me on this ugly couch right now.

Ian: No, baby. No.

Michael: Time’s up.

Ian: Oh. Well, that was fun. Who’s next?

Ego: Him and her. So what was the answer? What did she throw at you?

Ian: Oh, our dog.

All: Oh, dog. Of course.

Potato Hole

Willie T. Hawkins… Dave Chappelle

Deborah… Heidi Gardner

Josh… Andrew Dismukes

Gail… Chloe Fineman

Skip Dudley… Michael Longfellow

[starts with show intro]

[Cut to show set]

Heidi: Welcome back ‘PM In the Afternoon’. Coming up later, chef Cindy is going to show us how to make the perfect turducken.

Andrew: Oh, and once again we are honored to be joined by legendary blues musician Willie T. Hawkins. He’s been sitting in all morning playing some tasty licks off his new album “My potato hole”. Interesting title.

Heidi: I’m sorry, Willie T., I almost don’t want to ask, but what on earth is a potato hole?

Kenan: Don’t worry about it.

Andrew: Well, no, I’m curious. What is it? Do I have a potato hole? Can I touch my wife’s potato hole?

Heidi: Can we even say potato hole on TV? What is a potato hole?

Kenan: I’d rather not say.

Heidi: Hey, Willie T., a closed book. Okay, let’s turn it over to Gail with the weather. How’s our weekend looking?

Chloe: Well, we’ve got some storm clouds moving in. So if you’re going out you’re gonna want to bring an umbrella, especially if you don’t want to get rained inside your potato hole. I’m sorry, it’s just so fun to say potato hole. Potato hole. Potato hole.

Andrew: Okay. If you’re just joining us, folks, we are absolutely tickled by Willie T. Hawkin’s new album ‘My potato hole”. Hey, speaking of tickled what would happen if I took on my wife’s potato hole?

Heidi: Josh, your mind?

Andrew: I know.

Heidi: I wouldn’t want to be in there for five seconds.

Andrew: But could you be in a potato hole for five seconds? I mean, what is it?

Heidi: The internal question what is a potato hole? The world may never know. Now let’s toss things over to Skip Dudley with sports.

Michael: Thanks Deborah. The PGA Tour is in full swing, pun, with Rory McIlroy sinking an unbelievable hole in one. And know, it got me thinking, could you hit a potato hole in one?

Andrew: Skip, you goo.

Heidi: I knew it was going there.

Michael: Potato hole.

Andrew: All right, now, before we go to break, Willie T., you gotta tell us. We got to know what is a Potato Potato?

Heidi: What’s a potato hole?

Andrew: Spill the tea.

Heidi: What’s the potato hole?

Andrew: For the love of God, man, tell us what about potato hole is.

Kenan: A potato holes a hole that slaves would dig to hide their food possessions from plantation owners. The little these slaves had, they would  in their potato hole. Even though they knew that if their masters found these potato holes, they’d be whipped, beaten, torn limb from limb. Potato was their last vestige of humanity. And over time, it came to symbolize resilience. Black Life in the face of white oppression. That’s what a potato hole is, bitch.

Andrew: Uh-huh. I did not see that as what it could be. Could have told us sooner. But yes, no, I think we are all sorry.

Heidi: Willie T., want to play us out with a tasty lick?

Kenan: I do not.

Heidi: Didn’t think you would. We’ll be right back.

House of the Dragon

Silky/ARhaenan… Dave Chappelle

Rhaenyra … Chloe Fineman

Daemon… Michael Longfellow

Guard… Mikey Day

Corlys Velaryon… Kenan Thompson

Baela… Punkie Johnson

Rhaena… Ego Nwodim

King… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Dave Chappelle on SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: Anyone out here watching this new show ‘House of Dragons’? I am the biggest Game of Thrones fan. I love the new show. And I gotta tell yo,u I love that they’re including black characters. But to be honest, the black characters— They take me out of it a little bit with the— It’s that blonde hair and the old time accents. It’s a little jarring. Like, where are these people from? You know what I mean? And then they’re coming out with season two, I guess soon. And somehow Lorn Daemons arranged a sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons exclusive. so check it out.

[cheers and applause]

[cut to sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons]

Rhaenyra: Before we go to war with King’s Landing, we must know who our true allies are.

Daemon: These represent all of our possible alliances, Your Grace.

Rhaenyra: Thank you, Daemon.

Daemon: And I prepared this family tree so we know who the hell everyone is.

Rhaenyra: Yes, because our names are insane and sound identical.

Daemon: I’ve also prepared a chart of who’s having sex with whom. And weirdly enough, it’s the same as a family tree.

Guard: You are the visitor Your Grace. Lord of the tides, the sea snake himself, Corlys Velaryon.

Rhaenyra: Lord Corlys, this is a most welcome surprise. Where have you come from?

Corlys: The Matrix. Just kidding.

Daemon: You must have been at sea a long time then.

Corlys: Oh, of course. This is where my people are most comfortable. The ocean. Yeah, we especially love being on ships. Never have any concerns with ships or what might happen to us on ships.

Rhaenyra: Have you come alone?

Corlys: Oh no, no, I brought my granddaughters Baela and Rhaena.

Baela: Greetings, Your Grace.

Rhaena: So happy to have traveled 40 days by ship in this ballgown, Your Grace.

Daemon: It’s wonderful to see you. Since you are betrothed to my nephews/stepsons, Jason and Luke.

Baela: Yeah, I look at my future husband and I think he is definitely going to satisfy me sexually.

Rhaenyra: And to what do we owe the honor of your visit lord Corlys?

Corlys: Yeah, well, you know, I know that you are in need of allies now that your father has died.

King: Died? [he’s walking as his face is bleeding]

Corlys: Oh my god, man, what has happening with your face?

King: The doctor says it’s nothing. Just a little cough and my skin melted and my eye fell.

Corlys: Well, I found you some new allies from even further away lands that have come to pay their respects to the true queen.

Dave: [walking in] Well, well, well. Good to see you, Your Grace. Cousin Daemon, well, haven’t ever seen in long time. How does it feel to have sex with your niece? Yuck.

Dave’s wife: This whole family is like the sun took a look and said, “No, thank you.”

Dave: Your Majesty looks like you got a case of the monkey pox. You’re gonna die any minute, ain’t you?

King: Yeah, yeah.

Dave: Well, if it isn’t our cousin, light-skinned Larry Targaryen.

Larry: [Chuckles] Silky, your hoes are so old, their titties give powdered milk.

Dave: You look like E.T. when they dressed him up for Halloween.

Larry: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! All that was hateful, man.

Dave: Your Jheri curls are getting a little dry.

Dave’s wife: That’s that dragon spray.

Guard: More visitors approach.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dave: Pardon me, Your Grace, but I think your penis just fell off. If you don’t want it anymore, can I keep it? Might be able to get some money for that.

Rhaenyra: Who is this foul man?

Dave: I came here for some dragon rocks. I’m down to my last one.

Guard: What the hell is going on here?

Dave: You mind if I, um, get a light? [He’s asking fire to light his cigarette. He raises his hand holding a cigarette. The dragons comes behind him.] Dracarys. [The dragon breathes the fire and he lights his cigarette]

Rhaenyra: Be gone, all of you.

Corlys: Oh, no, there’s more.

Dave: I’m one of the baddest mother Westeros has ever seen. One of the best singers and one of the best dancers, too. I’m ARhaenan Targaryen, bitch, rider of dragons. I heard you like to ride lizards. Want to ride mine, Your freaking Majesty?

[There are dragons flying in the sky. There are Targarians riding the dragon. They have seats in shape of motorcycles on the dragon’s back.]

Tar: Take me to Flea Bottom so I can check on my hoes.

Dave: What up, Tar? I got a dragon now.

Dave: No, dragon.

[While they’re riding dragons, there’s red siren lights flashing]

Dave: Good God, it’s the police. What are they doing all the way up here? No matter how high I fly, they always find you, don’t they?

Barber Shop Talk

Troy…Dave Chappelle

Phillip… Michael Longfellow

[Starts with people talking in a barber shop]

Kenan: Man, oh, man, I still cannot believe that Kanye messed up all that money.

Troy: How you going to lose $2 billion in a day? It’s like he was using a paper shredder.

Punkie: Mmhmm, ’cause it couldn’t be me.

Ego: I know, right? Then he did all them damn interviews, making things worse and worse.

Troy: You ain’t got to say everything that you’re thinking all the damn time.

Kenan: Exactly, man. He lost me when he put on that White Lives Matter shirt.

Ego: Right, right, or when he said that message about George Floyd.

Phillip: [he’s the only white guy in the barber shop] Exactly. And his comments about Jewish people. I mean, way off the mark.

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Troy: I ain’t gonna lie. I was listening to “College Dropout” earlier today in the car. Still sound good to me.

Devon: Word. It’s going to be hard for me to enjoy listening to Kanye for a while.

Phillip: Same. That’s why I set all my Yeezys on fire. I mean, they’re only sneakers, right?

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Punkie: Yeah. But, um, that Kyrie Irving stuff is a trip, right? I mean, are they going to let him play again, or what?

Ego: I heard they have him like a list of things he’s got to do before they let him back on the team.

Troy: I stopped paying attention to that boy when he said the world was flat.

All: Exactly.

Phillip: Or when he refused to take the vaccine.

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

I mean, I can understand an initial skepticism, but if the president of the United States says it’s safe…

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Ego: I’m still mad that my girl Stacey Abram’s loss.

Punkie: Thank you! Like how did she lose?! I mean, but Herschel Walker, he gets a runoff? I mean, what is going on in Georgia?

Phillip: It’s the Bible Belt, and this country will never progress until we separate God and politics.

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Kenan: Aye, y’all heard your man got robbed last night?

Troy: Yeah. I heard they took a $20,000 chain off his neck, too.

Devon: Damn!

Phillip: Now who would spend that much money on a necklace?

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Troy: Man, you know what I finally watched? That Dahmer thing they had on Netflix.

Phillip: Ohhh! That was so good, right? I mean, not—

[Everyone else keep quiet and goes back to trimming hair]

Not good as in he’s good. Just I thought it provided some needed insights on some…

Ego:  I wish they made more showsthat everybody could enjoy.

Troy: Ooh, like “Atlanta.” They’re killing it this season.

Kenan: Yeah, or “Abbott Elementary.”

Phillip: Or “Yellowstone.”

Kenan: Yellow what?

Phillip: “Yellowstone.” It’s like the most streamed show in the world.

Kenan: Oh, is that right?

[Phillip’s watch beeping]

Phillip: Oh! Oh, I guess it’s already 6:05. Well, that’s it for my shift. Um, Troy, thank you, again, for letting me work in your barbershop.

Troy: It’s all good, Phillip. Don’t worry about a thing.

Phillip: Hopefully, tomorrow, I’ll get a customer.

Troy: Yeah, maybe, you know.

Phillip: I hope I didn’t say anything that was too offensive to anybody.

Troy: No! No, no, no. You all good, Phillip, man. Thank you so much and I will see you bright and early.

Phillip: Okay, alright. Uh, alright, well, you guys take care. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Troy: Okay. Bye bye.

Ego: Okay, Phillip.

All: Bye bye.

[Phillip walks out and Troy closes the door]

Troy: He’s the police, ain’t he?

Kenan: Absolutely.

Ego: Oh, for sure.

Punkie: That’s right. I was going to say a cannibal.

WKTVN News

Chance… Michael Longfellow

Vicki… Ego Nwodim

Alicia… Heidi Gardner

Tod… Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Amy Schumer

[Starts with Ego and Heidi in their news set]

Ego: Good evening and welcome to WkTVN news.

Heidi: And later tonight, Baklava or Balaclava? A new study shows there’s a big difference between the two delicious treats.

Ego: I love studies like that. But first, we go to Trumbull County where a fire has spread, forcing several families out of their homes. Let’s check in with our brand new reporter, Chance Harmstrong.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Thanks. Thanks, Vicki. And Alicia. I’m so thrilled to be joining the team. So right now I’m here with a local resident whose home was damaged in the fire. Ma’am, tell us what happened.

Cecily: Um, sir, I was having my normal cigarette in bed [frame showing an asian guy behind her as well] and I got woke up by a man outside going bang, bang, bang. And I had smelt fire and he said fire. So I put 2 and 10 together and I said fire sir.

Chance: Right. And do you have any idea how this fire could have started and why?

Cecily: I’m not sure exactly how sir. But I know 100% why. And I did not want to say names, but it is my cousin.

Chance: It was your cousin.

Cecily: Yes. And she is looking right at you now sir.

Amy: What? Oh, you taking a picture of me? No, you’re not. Not for free, you’re not. No.

Chance: Okay. Why are you so certain it was your cousin?

Cecily: She is mad because she wants to go with my husband, because look at him. [her husband is the asian guy they showed before]

Tod: This for TV?

Chance: Yes. This is the news, sir.

Tod: Oh, snap.

Chance: Okay, back to the fire.

Cecily: Yes, it’s a long story. But she is mad because she can’t get with him because he chose me and she’s my cousin.

Amy: Hey, keep saying stuff like that. I will set your house upon fire again.

Cecily: Hey, set my house on fire. I ain’t scared.

Amy: Okay.

Chance: Okay, all right. This was not as informative as I’d hoped. Quite a first day. Back to you. Vicki and Alicia.

Tod: Hey, come back to me. Take my picture. Look what I can do. [he climbs on the pole] Look what I can do. One hand, one hand, one hand.

Amy: Go Tod, go Tod. He’s showing up for me. I want to lay with you.

Tod: I said I can’t.

Chance: Well, there you have it. And I think we’re all done here. Vicki and Alicia.

[Molly walks in]

Molly: Sir, if I may, just to clear this up, you see the two them were cousins.

Chance: Yes. I know that. Do you know anything about the fire?

Molly: No, I do not. But sir, if I may, since he got to do the trick, look when I can do. [she leans backwards]

Chance: Okay, I don’t know what that is. And I’m not really here to look at tricks.

Amy: Hey, he ain’t even my cousin. He’s only my cousin because he married my cousin. So hey, I can still get with you because I want to lay with you, Tod.

Tod: Go home. No one wants to lay with you.

Amy: I bet you someone will.

Cecily: No, they won’t, because you ain’t got it like this. [Cecily flashes her breasts]

Amy: Like hell they don’t. [Amy flashes her breasts too]

Chance: Okay, no, this cannot. It’s literally my first day.

[Chance tries to walk away from them, but bumps into James.]

James: Oh sir, if I may. I can clear this up. 100%.

Chance: Just don’t say they’re cousins.

James: Exactly. They are cousins. also, look what I can do. [starts making silly noises]

Chance: Okay. Yeah. Now I’m unfortunately seeing a lot of people lined up and I’m assuming no one wants to talk about the fire.

Marcello: Oh, I don’t know anything about that, sir. But look what I can do. [starts dancing]

Chance: That’s great. You’re very talented.

Amy: Listen, the real reason I am mad at her…. [snatches the mic] The real reason I am mad at you and set fire to upon your house and your trampoline upon fire is because you have not had but one nice thing to me my whole life.

Cecily: What? Are you serious? I like you. I like your smile. Your homemade rice is worth. You make good French bread pizza. And I’m sorry that the years have seen us drift apart in terms of being cousins.

Amy: So now what?

Tod: A kiss makeup?

[They all lean to kiss each other]

Chance: No, no. Do not film these three cousins kissing. Well, it was my first day. And I’m assuming it’s my last. So in that case, what the hell? Look what I can do. [starts dancing]

Soup

Waiter… Michael Longfellow

Sue… Amy Schumer

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[starts with a waiter serving three ladies]

Waiter: All right, so we have to house salads. And the matzah balls soup.

Sue: Oh, me, me. me. That’s for me.

Waiter: You guys go ahead and enjoy.

Sue: Thank you. I have been craving this soup. I can’t even tell you. It just like, brings me home.

Ego:  Sounds amazing.

Sue: Yeah, well, you can’t have any. Ha-ha-ha. I’m kidding. But I’m not because like, I’ve been thinking about this soup like non stop. For real, I like woke up out of a dead sleep the other night just like thinking about this soup. Like, sat straight up, eyes wide open. It was like, “Matzah balls soup for Sue,” like a psycho. I’m so happy right now.

Heidi: So I guess I have some news.

Sue: Oh, what is it?

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: Matt and I are separating.

Ego: Oh, no. What?

Sue: Oh, girly for real?

Heidi: Yeah, but I don’t want to run lunch. Just eat.

Sue: Yeah. Yeah, let’s eat and then talk. That feels great.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Ego: Of course we’re not going to eat. That is so sad.

Sue: Oh my god. I know. God. Thank you for telling us. And obviously let us know like how it works out. Yeah.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: He said he’s gonna take the kids.

Ego: My god, that monster. What a bastard.

Sue: Yeah. Oh, God. Well, you know what I say? Good riddance, right?

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Ego: Good riddance to her kids? No, I don’t think so. We got to make a plan.

Heidi: I’m already talking to a lawyer. [phone vibrating] God, here he is now.

Sue: Oh good, you better take that call. Yeah, take as long as you need. Like, go outside.

[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]

Heidi: [on the phone] What? No!

Sue: Now what?

Heidi: My lawyer got disbarred. My life is just such a mess right now. You don’t even know the half of it. Like I told you guys, I got that VP of marketing job. And it was total BS. [Sue is looking at other people at the restaurant enjoying their food] I never even applied for it. There’s all this other stuff too. Like, I’ve been drinking as soon as I wake up, and I steal my son’s Adderall and he really needs it.

[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]

Kenan: [singing] How long must I wait
to eat my soup without looking like an a hole?
It’s not that I don’t care about her,
but I care about my soup a little more.
My God, she’s still talking
but hey, at least she’s not crying

[she starts crying]

Never mind she just started crying

oh, but I have a great idea
if I pretend to take a drink of my water
I can take the straw and put it in my soup
this plan is pretty perfect
the Straw is hitting broth

and oh my god, she just asked me a question

Heidi: I mean, Sue, what would you do?

Sue: I think, yeah, you should go for it.

Ego: Represent herself in court? No.

Heidi: I don’t know what to do. Would you mind if I had a sip of your water? I finished mine.

[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]

Kenan: [singing] Damn, she’s taking my water
I better hide the straw in my shirt
but oh, what is this? She’s sobbing at last
her head in her hands,
can’t let this moment pass
gotta eat this soup

[Sue finishes her soup]

Heidi: I feel so much better. Thank you girls for letting me vent.

Sue: [with food in her mouth] Oh my god, every time for you girl.

Heidi: How’s your soup?

Sue: It is hotter than I thought. But I’m okay.

[Kenan is standing in front of the ladies now]

Kenan: [singing] Gotta eat this soup

Bartenders

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Michael Longfellow

Heidi Gardner

Duke… Bowen  Yang

Earl… Jack Harlow

Marcello Hernandez

[starts with two couples sitting in a restaurant]

Cecily: I’m so excited to try this place. It got a great review in San Diego magazine.

Kenan: Well, I am starving.

Heidi: Well, all we need as a waiter, so I’m getting my block on.

Duke: Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome to Casita. My name is Duke St. Shoots.

Earl: And I am Earl Twirl Jazz.

Kenan: Nice. Wow. Well, we’d love to start with some tableside gua—

Duke: Oh, we’re out of avocado, cilantro and red onion unfortunately.

Earl: However, we are Horne up to prepare your flight of tableside cocktails this evening.

Cecily: My friend told me about this. They make drinks right at your table.

Kenan: Oh well I think we just want food.

Duke: No, solids can wait. Our first cocked, a classic screwdriver with flair. Head it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Cecily: Well, that was fun.

Kenan: Yeah. And you missed the glasses a lot.

Earl: Next we will make you a custom beverage.

Heidi: Oh, I don’t drink.

Earl: Oh, then we can make you a Vagido?

Heidi: What is a Vagido?

Earl: A Virgin Vagido.

Michael: Do they mean Mojito?

Duke: Cocked number two, hit it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Kenan: All right. Really? Really working those napkins.

Michael: Are we supposed to catch those?

Heidi: Yeah, that wasn’t even virgin. I saw you put rum in it.

Cecily: at least we got to hear that song again.

Earl: Shout out to our DJ.

Duke: Yeah, he’s a busboy with the aux cord.

Marcello: Everyone in here is lucky as hell.

Cecily: Okay, fine. You know what I’ll have? Your pay. A Negroni Sbagliato with Prosecco in it.

Earl: We don’t make those.

Duke: Yeah, we don’t bend to lesbian TikTok.

Marcello: Ayo, Duke, Earl, make them a Long Brown.

Kenan: What on earth is a long brown?

Earl: Gin and Nesquick.

Duke: Cocked number three. Hit it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

[they break all the glasses]

Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter at all. Doesn’t matter. You guys okay?

Kenan: It actually does matter. There’s glass everywhere.

Earl: Okay, wow. Y’all haven’t changed a bit.

Heidi: Excuse me.

Duke: Maybe you’ll remember us now.

[acts like they’re pulling off moustache]

Cecily: You weren’t wearing moustache.

Duke: Oh, we forgot to bring them. We forgot to put them on. But we served you and 2017. we made you all delicious margaritas and you said “This isn’t a margarita. It’s a Mountain Dew.”

Michael: Oh right. You guys immediately started crying.

Earl: The point is you lit a fire under us.

Duke: And we trained for five years to come back here and prove to you that we are the best bartenders in the world. For cocked number four, mashed avocado with cilantro and red onion.

Earl: Bur first—

Kenan: So you do have guac?

Earl: Mouth Vagidos.

Duke: Hey!

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing]

[Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

AA Meeting

Spencer… Michael Longfellow

Bowen Yang

Jesse… Jack Harlow

Jackie… Molly Kearney

[Starts with a group of people on AA meeting]

Spencer: And that’s when I looked in the mirror and I didn’t see myself anymore. It’s that guy who steals from his own mother for another bottle of booze. But I’m grateful for 90 days with no drink.

Bowen: Thank you so much, Spencer. All right, who else would like to share that? Jesse, how about you? You’ve been coming for a while and you’ve never shared with group?

Jesse: Well, it was something I’ve been thinking about for a while.

Bowen: Please. You can tell this group anything.

Jesse: Okay, here it goes. I have the perfect idea for Pixar movie.

Bowen: What’s that?

Jesse: A concept for a touching computer animated film. It’s about lost luggage trying to find his way home.

Bowen: Alright, well, I let’s just stay on the topic of recovery. Does anyone else want to share. Jackie?

Jackie: Jackie, alcoholic.

All: Hi, Jackie.

Jackie: On Tuesday, I drove through a liquor store and— I’m sorry. [asking Jesse] So the suitcase is all it personalities?

Jesse: Yeah. And the zippers are their mouths. I actually mocked up some artwork. [showing the suitcase characters] So this guy’s main character. He’s like a regular everyday suitcase. And then you got the briefcase guy. He’s a little uptight, but he’s funny.

Jackie: That’s Jason Bateman.

Jesse: I literally wrote that in a Google Doc.

Chloe: Oh, and there’s a gym bag. Don’t tell me his name is Jim.

Jesse: It literally is.

Kenan: And maybe there could be like a lady suitcase who’s got like, I don’t know, boobs.

Spencer: What would that even look like?

Kenan: Oh? Well, I did mock up some artwork just now myself. [showing a picture he drew of a suitcase with boobs]

Chloe: Oh. And maybe there’s a minion type character like a neck pillow that goes like – [making minion noise]

Jesse: You’re in the movie.

Spencer: Whoa. Can I be in the movie?

Jesse: No, but get this. There’s this other bag, Pierre. He’s like a fancy French bag, stickers from all over the world, acts all cultured like he’s better than them.

Kenan: I hate that bag.

Jesse: Right. But listen, halfway through, this bag gives an emotional speech where he opens up. Kind of like us right now. I drank recently by the way.

Bowen: What?

Jesse: Anyway, the bag goes, “Sure I’ve been to Paris, Milan, Tokyo but I’ve only ever been to the airports and the hotels. I’ve never really seen these places.” But then, as the credits roll, we see Polaroids from all these famous landmarks. The bags took pair to finally see the world.

Kenan: I love that bag now.

Cecily: What about the song?

Bowen: What?

Cecily: All these movies have some kind of big songs so they could sing at the Oscars.

Jesse: She’s right. But what would it sound like?

Cecily: I don’t know. [someone brings her a piano] Maybe something like—

[playing piano]

[singing]

When you lost your way
and you’re far from home
take faith and new friends
because you’re not alone

and pack yourself with love
everybody’s gotta pack yourself with love

Spencer: Your heel maybe broke
but you can’t give up hope

All: You gotta pack yourself with love

Bowen: I guess the last question is who’s gonna play the main suitcase? Or every man? Or Woody?

[Tom Hanks walks in]

Tom Hanks: Where’s the AA?

[cheers and applause]

I’m Tom H. Here just to research a role and also I may be an alcoholic.

Jesse: Yo, Tom, if you were a suitcase, what would your catchphrase be?

Tom Hanks: Oh, suitcase? Well, I guess would be something like – “That really snags my zipper!”

Bowen: You got the part!

All: [singing] Pack yourself with love

Jan 6th Final Hearing Cold Open

Bennie Thompson… Kenan Thompson

Adam Schiff… Michael Longfellow

Mr. Kinzinger… Andrew Dismukes

Liz Cheney… Heidi Gardner

Jamie Raskin… Mikey Day

Nancy Pelosi… Chloe Fineman

Chuck Schumer… Sarah Sherman

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN. Can you believe it stands for cocker spaniel? We’re now return to the closing statements of the January 6th committee to investigate the attack on our nation’s capital.

[Cut to the House Select Committee’s hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Bennie Thompson: Alright. The House Select Committee will now come to order for its 9th and final hearing. The January 6 was one of the most dramatic and consequential moments in our nation’s history. So to fight back, we assembled a team of monotone nerds to do a PowerPoint.

Adam Schiff: I made mine with Google Slides.

Bennie Thompson: We’ve been investigating this horrible attack for more than a year. But today’s session is going to be a little different. We’re going to summarize our findings, hold a history making vote and then, and only then [pulls out a plate of desserts] we all get to have a little treat.

Mr. Kinzinger:

Oh, come on. Can I have one cupcake now?

Bennie Thompson: No, no, no, no. It’s evidence, then a vote., then a little treat. All right, I would first like to recognize the gentle lady from Wyoming, who I am shocked to say has become my best friend. Liz Cheney.

Liz Cheney: Thank you, Benny. Over the past few months, this bipartisan committee has presented our case to all Americans. Whether you’re a Republican who’s not watching or a Democrat who’s not in so hard, your head is falling off. One person is responsible for this insurrection, Donald Trump. And one person will suffer the consequences, me. You might be wondering what makes me so tough? And I asked you, who is your dad? Is it Dick Cheney? You might wonder how do you have the guts to take on your entire party alone? And I’d say when you were little, who tucked you in at night? Was it Dick Cheney? I’ve been asked how did you get a backbone made of steel? And I asked back, for your 10th birthday, did you eat pizza at Chucky Cheese with all your friends? Or did you shoot a deer in the face with Dick Cheney? So yeah, I guess you could say I have big Dick Cheney energy.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you very much gentle lady from Wyoming. The Chair now recognizes the gentleman from California, and maybe the horror movie Smile. [Adam Schiff is smiling creepily] Actually, no, no, no, we’re gonna skip him. Too spooking. All right. The chair instead recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

Jamie Raskin: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Leading up to January 6, the FBI scoured through alt-right message boards and found disturbing comments like “Who wants to burn DC to the ground?” “Anyone got room in their car for me, 10 rifles, and 30 snakes?” “Where do we park?” “Is their shuttle from La Quinta Inn to coup?” And “Am I at wrong Washington? I see Space Needle.” Yet again, President Trump didn’t raise a finger. And while these hooligans were ransacking our beloved capitol, real leaders like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were bunkered in a Senate hideaway trying to save the country.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone]

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, hello, Mr. Vice President. It’s Pelosi. What is happening over there? Why can’t we get back to the capitol and resume the vote?

[Chuck Schumer is sitting beside Nancy Pelosi, talking on the phone]

Chuck Schumer: Hello, DoorDash. It’s Chuck Schumer? Yes, we still haven’t received any of our lunch order. And yes, I did change the drop off location due to some unfortunate treason. But it still should have arrived by now.

Nancy Pelosi: The President is doing nothing? This is completely unacceptable.

Chuck Schumer: My order, 12 dill pickles still floating in the juice and a hot pastrami sandwich with very light mustard. Did you hear me? I’m not afraid to leave a negative review. I am in a confined space with 30 people and if I get an upset stomach, all hell is gonna break loose.

[Cut back to Jamie Raskin]

Jamie Raskin: And it continues for hours from there.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you, Mr. Raskin. The Chair now recognizes the tenderoni from Illinois.

Mr. Kinzinger: Thank you, Mr. Chair. I took a cupcake. Now, Donald Trump knew he had lost the election. Everyone around him knew. He asked White House Counsel Pat Cipollone “Did I lose the election?” And Pat said, “Yes.” He then asked Ivanka, “Did I really lose the election?” She said, “Yes.” He then tried to janitor, “Hey, you don’t think I lost, do you?” The janitor responded, “I do.” Then the President turned to a dog and said, “What about you? Did I win?” And the dog legit shook its head side to side, then barked a perfect human “No.” Donald was desperate to hang on to power. Meanwhile, real heroes like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were the ones actually running this country.

[Cut to video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, Mr. Vice President, it’s Pelosi again.

Chuck Schumer: Tell him I’m here too.

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, where is President Trump? What is he doing this stop this?

Chuck Schumer: And Hi, Mike. It’s Chuck Schumer. I’m here as well.

Nancy Pelosi: Let me tell you, if Trump comes here now, I’m gonna punch him in the face. Right in the face. I’ll go to jail, but I’ll be happy.

Chuck Schumer: And let me tell you if Trump comes I’m gonna let him punch me in the face. I’ll go to the hospital, free soup.

Bennie Thompson: Yeah, not sure Schumer needs to be in all these clips. Miss Cheney, any final thoughts?

Liz Cheney: The fact is Trump planned to declare victory no matter the results. Look at this video of the president the day before the election,

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You know the votes don’t matter. I’ve always said that that the votes don’t matter at all. Because what even is a vote? It’s just a piece of paper you fold up and put it in a hat a guy shakes it around. And I’m gonna say it by the way, he had a great hat, didn’t he? It was very tall. He borrowed it from Apollo Creed who is a very close friend of mine. We talk on the phone every day. Our wives their friends. He should never have died in that ring. Obama told him to fight Drago and then he gets whacked in the head and boom, where’s the Obamacare? So now, we don’t vote. We don’t vote. [door knocking] It’s open. [someone brings him a can of coke] Thank you very much. Is Mike Pence dead yet?

Bennie Thompson: All right. I think we’ve seen quite enough. Let us now take a vote. Should we subpoena President Trump and force him to testify before this committee?

Liz Cheney: Yes, we must. And this vote is not just an empty gesture. He will testify.

Jamie Raskin: That’s right. He will get on a plane and leave Florida where he is beloved. And he will fly to Washington where he is hated. And he will answer my questions. Questions like, “Hey, who do you think you are, mister?”

Mr. Kinzinger: Trump is 100% coming and this time he will be held accountable? Sure, he got away with a lot of stuff in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, the early 2000s, the 2010s and the early 2020s. But that ends now with us because I’m [looks at his table name plate] Mr. Kinzinger, and he will respect my authority.

Bennie Thompson: All right, well, I can already see this is a complete zero. I want to thank my colleagues for throwing away their summers and in some cases, their careers to serve on this committee.

Jamie Raskin: Ain’t no problem. My calendar was empty.

Liz Cheney: I do have a couple of regrets.

Bennie Thompson: America, I don’t know what more we could possibly show you, except maybe this clip of Nancy Pelosi saying poo poo.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: There is poopoo. There is poopoo on the walls of the Capitol.

Chuck Schumer: What’s that?

Nancy Pelosi: I said they are smearing poopoo  onthe walls with poopoo.

Chuck Schumer: Oh, poop poop. See? That’s what happens with too much mustard.

Bennie Thompson: All right. Well, we tried. It was a fun country while it lasted.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

New Cast Advice

Michael Longfellow

Devon Walker

Marcello Hernandez

Molly Kearney

Kenan Thompson

[In the video, it’s written “What’s it like being new at SNL?”]

Michael: Being a new cast member at SNL, you get a lot of advice.

Devon: Advice from friends, family, veteran cast members. Even Lorne.

Marcello: Lorne told me, “Don’t do too much in the first couple shows, let the audience discover you and get to know you.”

MIchael: He told me to find writers who understand my voice, my odd haunting voice.

Devon: He told me to just be me, to trust my instinct from stand up, and then I’ll know how to handle an audience. He was really sweet about it.

Molly: See, this is all kind of crazy to hear. Because on day one, Lorne pulled me into his office and said, “Molly, there’s only one reason you’re here. I need you to kill Vladimir Putin.” He hands me this gun. He says, “Don’t worry, the serial numbers have been scratched off, they’ll never trace it back to us.” I’m like, “Us?”

Marcello: I told my friends. Don’t expect to see me in a bunch of sketches right away. Lorne said to really take my time. You know, maybe don’t even write a sketch till Christmas.

Devon: My uncle said make sure to get an accountant and to watch him because somebody will take my money.

Molly: I told Lorne, “Please don’t make me do this. I’d rather be doing sketches because that’s what I came here to do.” And Lorne goes, “Everybody’s done sketches. But you know what Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler never did? Kill Vladimir Putin?” And I’m like, “Aw, do I tell my agents about this?”

[In the video, it’s written “What kind of response have you gotten?”]

Michael: David Spade called and said “Congrats on your first update feature. We’re both from Arizona.” So that was really cool.

Devon: I got flowers from Kristen Wiig. I was like, that’s insane. I can’t even believe she knows who I am.

Molly: I get a call middle of the night. It’s former Secretary of State, John Kerry. He says Mom, I’m with Lorne. Can you be here in 10 minutes with your bags packed?” I’m thinking “Packed with what”

Michael: You feel like you’re part of a larger family all of a sudden. I saw my photo on the same wall as Eddie Murphy. I mean, that’s crazy.

Devon: I got recognized on the street after my first show. They didn’t think I was Kenan but it was still nice.

Molly: So I get to Lorne’s at 4 AM. It’s John Kerry, Bill Gates and weirdly, Kelly Ripa. Lorne says, “We can get you to Russia, but we can’t promise we can get you out.” And I really want to be on SNL. So I’m just like nodding my head and saying ‘Anything you say sir.” And Kelly Ripa was really sweet. She’s like, “Whatever happens, just know your family will be taken care of.” I’m like, “Is Kelly Ripa gonna pay for my funeral?”

[In the video, it’s written “What is the writing process like?”]

Marcello: I was working on a sketch this week. And Lorne said, “Don’t rush into it.” He said even if I’m not in any sketches for the first year or two, that’s fine.

Devon: I told Lorne I was working on a sketch for me and Molly, and he just kind of stared off into the distance and said, “If we ever see Molly again.” That ain’t feel right.

Molly: I’m thrown in the back of a van. I hear a military guy scream, “If she gets captured over there, she’s on her own.” And I want her to be like, “It’s actually like, it’s actually they, not she,” but it didn’t seem like the right moment for the pronoun talk. Then we drive strength through the night at like 150 miles an hour. And I’m like, “Whoa. The hours of SNL really are crazy.”

[In the video, it’s written “Are you making friends?”]

Michael: We were texting each other the first week like “Good luck, break a leg.” Then Molly texted “I have to kill.” It’s like, don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself.

Devon: You realize there’s this whole community of people who work at SNL, and we’re all just here to do comedy. Except apparently Molly.

Molly: The van screeches to a halt. They throw me onto a dock rip off the hood. And I’m like, “Is this the Panama Canal?” Then a guy walks up in his safari hat and white mustache. I swear to God, it was Lorne’s twin brother. And he says, [foreign language] [Subtitle says “Let her go. She’s loyal.”] Then they drive away and I go to call an Uber but I can’t use my phone because they burned my fingerprints off.

Michael: At the end of the day, you have to realize you’re going to have good shows and bad shows. Last week I got on Weekend Update. This week, I get to play Kanye West. You just have to enjoy the ride.

Marcello: Exactly. Don’t try to write or pitch ideas. Don’t expect anyone to put you in sketches or give you a computer or an office or an ID so you can get inside the building. Just gotta chill at home.

Devon: And it’s even more exciting that there are four new cast members so we can all experience it together.

Molly: Long story short, most of my first week at SNL I spent on connecting buses through Central America, but I made it back in time for this show. And right before the cold open started, Lorne came up to me and said, “Molly, I’m really proud of you. And just so you know, we never made cast members kill people.” I thought that was really cool.

Kenan: Wait, so I didn’t have to kill Osama bin Laden? Damn. [pulls out a gun] Now I got a taste for it.