Tag: Michael Wolff

What I Did For Trump

Sarah Palin… Tina Fey

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Sarah Palin in the White House.]

Sarah Palin: Hello, it’s me. [cheers and applause] It’s me, the ghost of Sarah Palin. No, I’m just kidding. I’m still alive. But you had to think about it, didn’t you? Here is a refresher. I was the first female on a republican presidential ticket and now I get paid to tweet for Bass Pro Shops. Take it from me, politics is a wild ride. One minute you’re on top and then you’re gone in a blink of a Scaramucci. Well, I have a message for all the people in the Trump White House. Enjoy your moment. Who knows how long it will last?

[music playing] [singing] Kiss today goodbye
the sweetness and the sorrow
wish me luck the same to you

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, hi, Sarah.

Sarah Palin: Oh, hey, Sarah.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, isn’t it funny that our names are both Sarah, when we’re both classic Beckies?

Sarah Palin: Oh! You’re doing good though. You’ve lasted longer in the White House than most.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, I know. But all my friends are gone. You know. It’s like saved by the bell the new class and I’m screeching, I’m just still there for some reason.

Sarah Palin: Sarah, what if today was the last day you were working for Trump?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hmm…

[singing] Kiss White House goodbye
and point me towards FOX News
I did what he said to do
and I might regret what I did for Trump
what I fed for Trump

[Kellyanne Conway floats down from the above]

Kellyanne Conway: [singing] What, I am my regard
and as we travel on
and we’ll always remember, okay?

[Michael Wolff walks in]

Sarah Palin: Aww.

Michael Wolff: Sarah, how are ya?

Sarah Palin: Hey, Michael Wolff. You were everywhere after you wrote that book “Fire & Fury.” Then you kind of disappeared, didn’t ya?

Michael Wolff: Well, I’m gonna be back because I’m writing a book about Jared and Ivanka. Did you know they’er actually the same person? That’s why you never see them together.

Sarah Palin: Is it true?

Michael Wolff: Yeah, sure, whatever.

[singing] I won’t say I lied
all of a sudden we care about facts
but juke was mine to borrow
oh, come on, you love it
I did what I had to do
won’t regret, you’ll forget,
what I did for Trump

Sarah Palin: Miss Stormy Daniels, everybody.

[Two men carry Stormy Daniels by her arms and brings her in]

Stormy Daniels: [singing] Gone, they wish I were gone
as time travels on
I will be remembered

You can check out my ted-talk on sex value politics. Or catch me on my star sprinkled boner to earth this weekend at “Squeeze and Splat Pals.”

[Rex Tillerson walks in] [cheers and applause]

Rex Tillerson: Howdy, y’all?

Sarah Palin: Aw, Rex Tillerson. You were fired months ago. You look great!

Rex Tillerson: Oh, yeah. Being fired by Trump was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m the only man ever to go into a situation on scaith and come out unscaith. Trump was the biggest mess I’ve ever dealt with and I work for Exxon Mobil.

[singing] Kiss today goodbye
and point me toward tomorrow

Sarah Palin: Point him towards tomorrow

Rex Tillerson: You do what you have to do
don’t forget, I regret
what I did for Trump

Stormy Daniels: What I did with Trump

Sarah Palin: I would work for Trump.

Oh, hi, Omarosa.

[Omarosa Manigault walks in]

Omarosa Manigault: Look, Trump thinks he fired me but I fired myself.

[singing] Kiss my ass goodbye
and point me towards a book deal

All: We did what we had to do
won’t forget, can’t regret
what I did for Trump
what I did for Trump

Sarah Palin: Nothing wrong with doing dancing with the stars. Just don’t do a quick step on the first week. It’s too darn hard.

All: What I did for Trump

Morning Joe Michael Wolff Cold Open

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Eddie Glaude… Chris Redd

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Steve Bannon… Bill Murray

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mornig Joe intro]

Song: Welcome to the nut house.

[Cut to Mika and Joe in their set]

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Good morning.

[cheers and applause]

It’s a great song. Who is that?

Mika: Joe, you know who it is.

Joe: Oh yeah, it’s me. Ha-ha. That’s my original jam, ‘Welcome to the nut house.’ I’m Joe, that’s Mika. Willie Geist is here.

Willie: Good morning.

Joe: We just played that song live last night in prohibition. Mika was there.

Mika: I come because I have to.

[Mika and Joe start looking at each other intimately]

Joe: You come because I tell you to.

Mika: Oh my god. Can we not be this self aggrandizing this early in the morning? You’re digusting.

Joe: And you’re foul.

Mika: I’m gonna bar foul over you.

[Willie is confused] [Joe looks at the camera]

Joe: Let’s get to the news. President Trump is at it again. He’s using a deeply offensive when describing Haiti and some African country.

Mika: Can you trust?

Joe: Joining me to break this down is chair for the Center of African American Studies at Princeton, [Cut to Eddie] Eddie Glaude.

Eddie: How are you doing?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Eddie]

Joe: Eddie, this is an example of inflammatory racist language. Why do GOP leaders condemn this immediately?

Eddie: Well, first–

Joe: [interrupting] Because Eddie, you’ve studied this stuff extensively, okay? I mean, can you imagine any other president making comments like this? What’s your take?

Eddie: I mean–

Joe: [interrupting] I mean, this is not the first time that he said something like this. Is this a surprise giving his comments in the past? He’s taking about asian, he’s talking about Africans, and the question is this, when will they get to speak? When is it their turn? How long will they be silenced.

Eddie: I personally–

Joe: [interrupting] Eddie Glaude, great points. Thanks for joining us.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Mika: Well, it has been a tough week for the president with the release of the sensational new book ‘Fire and Fury.’ Joining us is the author of that book, Michael Wolff.

[Michael Wolff joins Mika and Joe] [cheers and applause]

Michael Wolff: Thanks for having me.

Joe: Now, Michael, this book is wild.

Mika: Insane.

Joe: The conversations are so intimate–

Mika: It’s depressing. I’m depressed. It’s amazing what you’ve found. You say the president watches TV most of the day. He eats McDonald’s because he’s afraid of being poisoned. Is there anything you didn’t include?

Michael Wolff: Well, sure. Probably the worst one is the baby races.

Mika: What?

Joe: Can I get your pardon?

Michael Wolff: There were baby races. Trump would ask to have two babies placed in his office usually of different ethnicities. Someone would put a bowl of goldfish crackers on the other side of the room and Trump would say, “1,000 bucks on the black one.”

Mika: My– Is that real?

Michael Wolff: [smiling] Yeah.

Willie: Now, Michael, there has been several errors pointed out in this book already. Do you take responsibility for those?

Michael Wolff: Look, you read it, right?

[looks like they haven’t read it]

Mika: Yeah.

Joe: Of course.

Michael Wolff: And you liked it? You had fun?

[Willie is just nodding his head]

Joe: Yeah.

Mika: Yeah.

Michael Wolff: Well, what’s the problem? You got the gist. So, shut up. You know, even the stuff that’s not true, it’s true.

Mika: I knew it. I knew it was true. The White House is a– I can’t, and I can’t.

Joe: [interrupting] Okay, you know, hey, this one. [Mika is trying to speak] It has been at an 11 for the past year. Okay? I think you’re hangry.

Mika: Oh, you stop.

Joe: This one’s hangry. Come on. Hey, you, calm down. What do you want to do for lunch?

Mika: I don’t know.

Joe: Yeah. I know what you want. [Mika and Joe look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re a steak florentine gal.

Mika: Yeah? You’re gonna feed me my meat? Coz you’re a dirty dog?

[Willie is shaking his head]

Joe: You know I am. Ruff. Ruff.

[Michael Wolff is looking at them and is uncomfortable] [Joe looks at the camera]

Michael, one person who is heavily featured in this book is Steve Bannon who is just like goes had a Breitbart news. Here to talk about it. Steve Bannon.

[Steve Bannon joins them. He is wearing grim reaper costume. He opens the costume and takes a seat.] [cheers and applause]

Steve, good lord.

Mika: My god, Steve. I always thought you look like death but this is death form–

Steve Bannon: Mika, nice words, blessings.

Mika: Okay, so you guys know each other, right?

Michael Wolff: Of course. I got him fired.

Steve Bannon: Come on. I got you hired.

Michael Wolff: Oh, you love it. Even the negative stuff. You love it.

Steve Bannon: Do love it, do live it. Look, no one gets the Bannon fire. No one.

Michael Wolff: Um, except me.

Steve Bannon: Hey!

Michael Wolff: I did.

Steve Bannon: I never said Don Jr. was treasonous.

Michael Wolff: Yes, you did.

Steve Bannon: Well, I certainly never said that he cracked like an egg on TV.

Michael Wolff: Uh, yeah, that sounds exactly like you.

Steve Bannon: Okay, that does sound like me. Yeah. Alright, thank you. Good reporting. But look, the Cannon magic still out there. Steve Bannon, the Bannon Cannon, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, kind of king makers, ozymandias, the Bannon dynasty is dawning.

Mika: Uh-huh. And, um, what are you doing now?

Steve Bannon: I’m working on a web series for crackle. It’s called ‘Cocksy cars getting coffee.’ And I’m also coming out with a new line of wrinkled barn jackets called fruppers for guys. Spring time, skin care line. Blotch.

Michael Wolff: You know what? Come on. You know you’re done. It’s over.

Joe: Yeah, Steve, you think they’re ever let you back in politics?

Steve Bannon: Yes and on the Cannon’s terms too, as a king maker. I convinced this country to elect Donald. And I can do it again. Already auditioning candidates. Got some prospects. Logan Paul. Martin Shkreli. The subway guy, Jared Fogle. He’s back. He’s electable. It’s time for America to slide down the Bannon-ster. [smiles]

Michael Wolff: You know, Steve, I have to admit it. You did something amazing. You took the biggest long shot in history and you got him elected president. And you unleashed this monster of biblical proportions upon the universe.

Steve Bannon: Michael Wolff, it’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: The America we loved is over and no one is coming to save us and no one can.

Joe: Well, you know what? Let’s go live by satellite to special guest.

[Cut to Oprah Winfrey] [cheers and applause]

Mika: Oh my god, it’s Oprah. I thought I smelled lavender and money.

Joe: Oprah, are you running?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Oprah]

Oprah: Well, I am a celebrity, so I’m qualified. But I’m different from Donald Trump because I am actually a billionaire. So, who knows? I mean there’s only one job in the world more powerful than being president.

Mika: And what’s that?

Oprah: Being Oprah. Bye.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Joe: Thank you, Oprah. That was delightful. Thanks for being here. And

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.