Weekend Update Impeachment Hearing Testimony

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Marie Yoganovitch at left top corner.]

Former US ambassador Marie Yoganovitch testified yesterday at the impeachment hearing, and you know she made Trump nervous because he tweeted this during her testimony—[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad. She started off in Somalia. How did that go?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, as long as we’re talking about track records, Trump started off in Atlantic city. [Picture changes to an article “Trump Taj Mahan files for bankrupcy”.]  How did that go?

[Picture changes to Fox News logo]

Even Fox News saw that attacking Yovanovitch was a bad move.

[Cut to Fox News debate]

Female Speaker: Should the president be tweeting at her mid-hearing? No. It makes him look like a big dumb baby.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: That’s what they’re saying on his favorite channel. That’s like if your kid turned on Nickelodeon and Dora was like, “Hey, you’ll never learn to read, fatty.”

Republicans like Jim Jordan, [Picture changes to Jim Jordan] who is still getting the hang of smiling, tried to discredit the impeachment investigation unrelated conspiracy theories including [Picture changes to Devin Nunes] Devin Nunes’ claim that democrats are only seeking nude photos of Trump which I wish was true. Because it would be so fun to see those pictures leak and then hear Trump describe his body as perfect. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet saying “My body is perfect!”] Trust me, no one is looking for naked pictures of Donald Trump. I googled “Donald Trump nudes”, and google said, “You take your nasty ass to Bing.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of impeachment hearing at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow, you said it, Colin. That impeachment hearing was crazy. I was watching it at home like we were supposed to and I was like, “What?” I didn’t watch it, per say, but I got the just of it just now when you was talking about it. Can I be honest? I don’t think I care [Picture changes to Donald Trump] if Donald Trump is actually guilty. I just want something happen to him. Hypothetically if you found out for a fact that Trump was actually innocent but they were sending him to jail anyway, would you mind? See, I wouldn’t mind. Is that fair?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Rudolph Giuliani is reportedly even telling people that he’s launching podcast but the people he’s been telling just stand there quietly in the department store. [The picture changes to Rudy Giuliani talking to the store mannequins] [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Lawyers for president Trump have filed an appeal to the supreme court to keep his tax returns secret. So, you know they’re bad. This is like if your girlfriend asked to see your texts and you just threw your phone in the ocean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yesterday, Roger Stone was found guilty of multiple federal crimes. I don’t know if you remember but this guy once put on an ad on the internet looking for muscular, well hung black men. So, jackpot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer dancing on a stage at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And sad news this week. Sean Spicer was eliminated from “Dancing with the stars.” I know. It’s hard, yeah. President Trump tweeted his support for Spicer saying, “A great try by Sean. We’re all proud of you!” But Sean, if you’re watching, no, we’re not.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steven Miller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Steven Miller has been accused of promoting white nationalism in a series of 900 emails he sent to Breitbart. Isn’t it funny that it’s always guys who look like this that are promoting white supremacy? He looks like he dresses up as his mother to commit knife murders. I feel like if you’re going to be white supremacist, you should look like Colin, [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set] at least, right?

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: I mean if I was trying to prove the superiority of the Arian race, I wouldn’t use Steven Miller’s face, I would use yours.

Colin Jost: You don’t have to make that point.

Michael Che: Don! Do a screen split of Colin and Steven Miller.

[Cut to split screen of Colin Jost live and a picture of Steven Miller.]

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to do that. That’s not–

Michael Che: Audience, by round of applause. Who do you think Hitler would want to be friends with? [Colin Jost is laughing] Steven Miller or Colin Jost?

Colin Jost: Can you just stop it?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Michael Che: Just take the compliment, bro. You’re beautiful.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, thank you.

Weekend Update SpaceX Launches Rocket with Cremated Remains | Season 44 Episode 8

[Starts with Colin Jost in the news set. There’s a picture at left top corner of SpaceX]

Colin Jost: SpaceX launched a rocket into orbit carrying the cremated remains of a hundred people. Unfortunately, they weren’t cremated when it launched.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of Earth]

Michael Che: Two new studies about accelerated greenhouse emissions find that the earth will be impacted by global warming sooner than we thought. God bless these scientists and researchers that are still studying this thing that we just refuse to listen to. We’re like a stubborn old man at the doctor’s office and they’re pleading with us, “Sir, you gotta  quit smoking”. “Kiss my ass, I like cigars.”

[Picture changes to Kevin Hart on Oscar stage] Well, that was short. Kevin Hart had to step down as host of the upcoming Academy Awards because of homophobic tweets from 2011. Didn’t the Academy nominate [Picture changes to Mel Gibson] Mel Gibson for an award just last year? [Picture changes back to Kevin Hart] Also, if Kevin– Thank you. I love when there’s a black lady in the audience. Also if Kevin Hart isn’t clean enough to host the Oscars, then no black comic is. The only black comic I know that’s cleaner than Kevin Hart is booked for the next three to ten years.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ‘The Little Mermaid’]

Colin Jost: An Acapella Group at Princeton University has stopped performing the song “Kiss the Girl” from “Little Mermaid” after the student newspaper, said the lyrics promote toxic masculinity. Also, it just sucks to hear a bunch of white guys sing like [Picture changes to a red crab from the cartoon Aerial] a Jamaican crab.

[Picture changes to bull fighting with China’s flag] A new version of bull fighting has started in China in which participants use their hands instead of swords. That’s how many extra people they have.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race” and British flag]

Michael Che: A British version of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” will begin airing next year on the BBC. And because it’s Englsnd, their penises will be tucked on the right side.

[Picture changes to map picture of Florida and a marijuana leaf] A man in Florida was arrested for selling marijuana, claimed that he was only doing it to buy better Christmas Gifts for his children. Replied his children, “Just give us the weed dad”.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ice pick]

A Utah man was arrested after he got into an argument and hammered an ice pick through the other man’s penis. Hey, it’s like they say, never bring a penis to an ice pick fight.