Weekend Update Impeachment Hearing Testimony

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Marie Yoganovitch at left top corner.]

Former US ambassador Marie Yoganovitch testified yesterday at the impeachment hearing, and you know she made Trump nervous because he tweeted this during her testimony—[Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad. She started off in Somalia. How did that go?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, as long as we’re talking about track records, Trump started off in Atlantic city. [Picture changes to an article “Trump Taj Mahan files for bankrupcy”.]  How did that go?

[Picture changes to Fox News logo]

Even Fox News saw that attacking Yovanovitch was a bad move.

[Cut to Fox News debate]

Female Speaker: Should the president be tweeting at her mid-hearing? No. It makes him look like a big dumb baby.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: That’s what they’re saying on his favorite channel. That’s like if your kid turned on Nickelodeon and Dora was like, “Hey, you’ll never learn to read, fatty.”

Republicans like Jim Jordan, [Picture changes to Jim Jordan] who is still getting the hang of smiling, tried to discredit the impeachment investigation unrelated conspiracy theories including [Picture changes to Devin Nunes] Devin Nunes’ claim that democrats are only seeking nude photos of Trump which I wish was true. Because it would be so fun to see those pictures leak and then hear Trump describe his body as perfect. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet saying “My body is perfect!”] Trust me, no one is looking for naked pictures of Donald Trump. I googled “Donald Trump nudes”, and google said, “You take your nasty ass to Bing.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of impeachment hearing at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow, you said it, Colin. That impeachment hearing was crazy. I was watching it at home like we were supposed to and I was like, “What?” I didn’t watch it, per say, but I got the just of it just now when you was talking about it. Can I be honest? I don’t think I care [Picture changes to Donald Trump] if Donald Trump is actually guilty. I just want something happen to him. Hypothetically if you found out for a fact that Trump was actually innocent but they were sending him to jail anyway, would you mind? See, I wouldn’t mind. Is that fair?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Rudolph Giuliani is reportedly even telling people that he’s launching podcast but the people he’s been telling just stand there quietly in the department store. [The picture changes to Rudy Giuliani talking to the store mannequins] [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Lawyers for president Trump have filed an appeal to the supreme court to keep his tax returns secret. So, you know they’re bad. This is like if your girlfriend asked to see your texts and you just threw your phone in the ocean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yesterday, Roger Stone was found guilty of multiple federal crimes. I don’t know if you remember but this guy once put on an ad on the internet looking for muscular, well hung black men. So, jackpot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer dancing on a stage at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And sad news this week. Sean Spicer was eliminated from “Dancing with the stars.” I know. It’s hard, yeah. President Trump tweeted his support for Spicer saying, “A great try by Sean. We’re all proud of you!” But Sean, if you’re watching, no, we’re not.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steven Miller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Steven Miller has been accused of promoting white nationalism in a series of 900 emails he sent to Breitbart. Isn’t it funny that it’s always guys who look like this that are promoting white supremacy? He looks like he dresses up as his mother to commit knife murders. I feel like if you’re going to be white supremacist, you should look like Colin, [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set] at least, right?

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: I mean if I was trying to prove the superiority of the Arian race, I wouldn’t use Steven Miller’s face, I would use yours.

Colin Jost: You don’t have to make that point.

Michael Che: Don! Do a screen split of Colin and Steven Miller.

[Cut to split screen of Colin Jost live and a picture of Steven Miller.]

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to do that. That’s not–

Michael Che: Audience, by round of applause. Who do you think Hitler would want to be friends with? [Colin Jost is laughing] Steven Miller or Colin Jost?

Colin Jost: Can you just stop it?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Michael Che: Just take the compliment, bro. You’re beautiful.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, thank you.

Weekend Update SpaceX Launches Rocket with Cremated Remains | Season 44 Episode 8

[Starts with Colin Jost in the news set. There’s a picture at left top corner of SpaceX]

Colin Jost: SpaceX launched a rocket into orbit carrying the cremated remains of a hundred people. Unfortunately, they weren’t cremated when it launched.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of Earth]

Michael Che: Two new studies about accelerated greenhouse emissions find that the earth will be impacted by global warming sooner than we thought. God bless these scientists and researchers that are still studying this thing that we just refuse to listen to. We’re like a stubborn old man at the doctor’s office and they’re pleading with us, “Sir, you gotta  quit smoking”. “Kiss my ass, I like cigars.”

[Picture changes to Kevin Hart on Oscar stage] Well, that was short. Kevin Hart had to step down as host of the upcoming Academy Awards because of homophobic tweets from 2011. Didn’t the Academy nominate [Picture changes to Mel Gibson] Mel Gibson for an award just last year? [Picture changes back to Kevin Hart] Also, if Kevin– Thank you. I love when there’s a black lady in the audience. Also if Kevin Hart isn’t clean enough to host the Oscars, then no black comic is. The only black comic I know that’s cleaner than Kevin Hart is booked for the next three to ten years.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ‘The Little Mermaid’]

Colin Jost: An Acapella Group at Princeton University has stopped performing the song “Kiss the Girl” from “Little Mermaid” after the student newspaper, said the lyrics promote toxic masculinity. Also, it just sucks to hear a bunch of white guys sing like [Picture changes to a red crab from the cartoon Aerial] a Jamaican crab.

[Picture changes to bull fighting with China’s flag] A new version of bull fighting has started in China in which participants use their hands instead of swords. That’s how many extra people they have.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race” and British flag]

Michael Che: A British version of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” will begin airing next year on the BBC. And because it’s Englsnd, their penises will be tucked on the right side.

[Picture changes to map picture of Florida and a marijuana leaf] A man in Florida was arrested for selling marijuana, claimed that he was only doing it to buy better Christmas Gifts for his children. Replied his children, “Just give us the weed dad”.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ice pick]

A Utah man was arrested after he got into an argument and hammered an ice pick through the other man’s penis. Hey, it’s like they say, never bring a penis to an ice pick fight.

Weekend Update Michael Che on Bidets | Season 44 Episode 8

[Starts with Colin in his news set. There’s a picture of Tushy company’s product]

Colin Jost: New York city subway officials have rejected an ad from the company Tushy, which sells modern bidets saying the ads didn’t meet their decency standards on the subway. For more on this is—wait, Michael Che? [Michael comes in the set]

Michael Che: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Wait. Michael, wait. What are you doing?

Michael Che: An Update feature.

Colin Jost: Wow.

Michael Che: So this is “SNL”.

Colin Jost: Wait, Che, I told you this was a bad idea.

Michael Che: Thanks Colin. [Cut to Michael] So I think these subway ads are great. People need to know about bidets. I just got one and it changed my life. It’s glorious. Food tastes better. I can jump higher. I want children now. I’m a better person. You know, the first time I used it, I cried. And not even because I was emotional, because the water went so far up, it came out my eyes.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Oh, god. Dude—

Michael Che: I know, I must have set the pressure too high, man. That thing sprayed me like it was trying to remove graffiti.

Colin Jost: No one wants to hear about this.

Michael Che: Shut up, Colin, you white guy! It’s better when Leslie does it. [Cut to Michael] Look, this bidet is a game changer. Gone are the days of me penguin walking to the sink with my pants around my ankles trying to wet some tissues like a fool!

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] You know they mare wipes.

Michael Che: Baby wipes? First of all, that’s terrible for the environment and you should be ashamed of yourself. Not to mention baby wipes just don’t work as well. [Cut to Michael] Using baby wipes are like eating chicken wing with a fork and a knife. But a bidet, that’s putting a whole drumstick in your mouth and pulling out a clean bone. [Cut to Michael and Colin] I’m whistling.

Colin Jost: That’s way too descriptive. Can you please, do you think these ads from bidets should be allowed on the Subway?

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael] I think they should only be on the subway! You know how miserable the subway is? That’s where people need a little splash of hope the most. Besides what better metaphor for a bidet than a whooshing train zipping through a dirty tunnel? [Cut to Michael and Colin]

Colin Jost: Did you need an entire feature for this?

Michael Che: Maybe.

Colin Jost: Are you done?

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael] No. Sometimes I put on propeller hat and then turn on the Bidet and try to make it spin on the top.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Michael Che, everyone.

Weekend Update: David Ortiz on Red Sox’s World Series Win | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

David Ortiz…..Kenan Thompson

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: In the world of sports, the Boston Red Sox beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series. Easy. Easy. Here to comment is former Red Sox slugger, Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.

[ David Ortiz slides in to sit next to Colin at the news desk. He is wearing a Red Sox t-shirt. ]

David Ortiz: Yo, yo, yo, yo. Woooo! Como estas, el Jost? Ahh, those Red Sox son los campeones del mundo!

COLIN JOST: Yeah, that’s right, champions of the world!

David Ortiz: Shut up! You no translate!

COLIN JOST: Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry.

David Ortiz: The Red Sox won another World Series man. And you know how we celebrate in Boston?

COLIN JOST: You had a big parade, right?

David Ortiz: We had a big lunch.

COLIN JOST: There was a lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah. The whole city eat a big Dominican lunch. With Big Papi!

COLIN JOST: And then, what sort of lunch…?

David Ortiz: [ Speaking in Spanish about the meal. He mentions steak and clam chili. ] And then for Halloween, we finish it all off with a slice of pumplikan pie.

COLIN JOST: I’m sorry, pumplikan?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s when a pelican eat a pumpkin, and then you eat the pelican. It’s a spooky.

COLIN JOST: Okay, and did you celebrate with the other players after the game?

David Ortiz: Oh yeah bro. Everyone in the locker room was spraying each other with something. I think you know what it is.

COLIN JOST: Oh, oh, mofongo?

David Ortiz: No. Champagne, man. Mofongo, man, don’t be racist.

COLIN JOST: Alright. Well the ratings for the World Series were down this year. Why do you think that is?

David Ortiz: Well, because nobody know who these Red Sox players are, man. But everybody knows Big Papi. Because I became a spokesman.

COLIN JOST: Oh yeah, that’s right. You do ads or a bunch of different products, right?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I do ads for spokes. [ An advertisement for wheel spokes appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a wheel? But you don’t know how to connect it to your bike? Use spokes, man! They’re like tiny little crutches for your wheel.’

COLIN JOST: So that’s an ad just for the general idea of spokes?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It’s like the concept, bro. And I do ad for Apple Watch, too.

COLIN JOST: Apple Watch.

David Ortiz: [ And ad for Apple Watch appears below David on the screen. It is an image of an apple and then the word ‘watch.’ ] ‘Apple Watch. You go to watch your apples. Or a monkey is going to steal them. So use Apple Watch instead, use a gun.’

COLIN JOST: You protect your apples with a gun?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. You can eat apples with anything man. Monfongo. [ He names other dishes in what sounds like Spanish with a heavy Puerto Rican accent. ] Funnel Cake de salmon.

COLIN JOST: Wait, I’m sorry. Funnel Cake with salmon?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It make your dreams loco. Oh, and! Did you see my ad for bitcoin?

COLIN JOST: For bitcoin? No, no.

David Ortiz: [ An ad for Bitcoin appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a coin? But you don’t know if it’s gold or chocolate? Well if you bit coin, then you know.’ It’s what the pirates do in the movies, man. You know what I’m saying?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, yeah.

David Ortiz: And do you ever see the people who smoke the little vape pens?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, vape pens.

David Ortiz: Because I do an ad for Juul. [ An ad for Juul appears below David on the screen. ] ‘Juul. If you run around sucking on a vape pen, Juul look like a dumb ass, man.

COLIN JOST: Big Papi, everyone! Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

MICHAEL CHE: And I’m Michael Che, good night!

David Ortiz: Big Papi! Hey!

Weekend Update: Every Teen Girl Murder Suspect on Law & Order | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Brittainy…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Well, it’s a tough transition. The Young Adult book genre is more popular than ever. Here with her reviews of today’s hottest YA novels is ‘every teen girl murder suspect on Law & Order.’

[ Brittainy slides over in her chair to be sitting next to Colin Jost at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Uh, hey there Brittainy, how are you?

Brittainy: I don’t have to tell you anything, not until my lawyer gets here.

COLIN JOST: Oh, okay. But didn’t you say you wanted to come out and give us a book report?

Brittainy: I didn’t do it. I swear I didn’t do it. You have to believe me.

COLIN JOST: Okay. It says here you read the book, “The Hate You Give,” and you wanted to talk to us about it.

Brittainy: Oh yeah. That’s right. I remember now. It was good. It, like, says a lot about being a teen. And the pressure. I read it with my friends. At the library. And then we went home. And went right to bed. That’s it okay.

COLIN JOST: That’s all you did?

Brittainy: Okay, fine! We went to a big alcohol party at Carrie’s boyfriend’s house. And we drank beer from a beer keg, okay! That’s all we did, was drink alcohol, and go in a hot tub, and look at Carrie’s boyfriend. That’s it.

COLIN JOST: Okay, well what about the new Marcus Zusak book?

Brittainy: Look, I don’t know any more than you do. I got to homeroom, and they told us, Logan was murdered. And you know what? I was happy. She treated me like ass. And now she’s dead. In the trunk of my car. And I have no idea how she got there.

COLIN JOST: She’s in your car?

Brittainy: Okay, fine! I shoved her in the trunk, but it wasn’t my idea, okay. Carrie said we should just put her in the trunk and drive around a little to teach her a lesson. That’s all we did.

[ Cut to Michael chewing on a toothpick. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Damnit Brittainy. I’m tired of your lies. Tell the damn truth!

Brittainy: Your partner’s crazy!

COLIN JOST: Partner? This was supposed to be about books.

Brittainy: Okay, fine!! They dared me to stab her, but just as a joke. So I stabbed her. But Logan took it the wrong way and started bleeding.

COLIN JOST: Wait. So you did kill your friend?

Brittainy: I feel so bad about it. All the terrible things I done. But I guess the worst crime of all was being a bad friend.

[ Cut to end credits of Law & Order; the screen reads: “ Executive Producer DICK WOLF”. ]

COLIN JOST: Yeah, okay, well, the worst crime was murder. Teen murderer, everyone. Thank you so much.

Brittainy: That’s it. Okay!

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson’s First Impressions of Midterm Election Candidates | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Michael Che

…..Pete Davidson

[ Michael Che and Pete Davidson are sitting at the news desk. ]

MICHAEL CHE: As we said, the midterm elections are next week. Here with his first impressions of some of the candidates is Pete Davidson.

PETE DAVIDSON: What up? Hey Che. Um, so the midterm elections are obviously a huge deal.


PETE DAVIDSON: after I had to move back with my mom, I started paying attention to them. She’s loving it. And I realized there are some really gross people running for office this year. So, here are my first impressions. Uh, this guy’s fun. Rick Scott from Florida. He looks like someone tried to whittle Bruce Willis out of a penis. Here’s a New York guy, Peter King. I actually don’t know a lot about him, except that he looks like if a cigar came to life. Uh, this guy’s kinda cool, Dan Crenshaw.

MICHAEL CHE: Oh come on, man.

PETE DAVIDSON: No, hold on. You may be surprised to hear he is a Congressional candidate from Texas and not a hitman in a porno movie. I’m sorry, I know he lost his eye in war, or whatever. Whatever. Oh, here’s a Democrat, so I look fair. Gimme that, like, Cuomo guy. There he is, alright. Yeah, Cuomo. He looks like a guy that’s sleeping with your mom, but stays over night and eats breakfast with you in his boxers. And then he asks ya, ‘how the baseballs going’ and you say you don’t play baseball. And he goes, ‘Oh! Queer’.

MICHAEL CHE: That is..that is very specific.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah, it’s just the vibe I’m getting.

MICHAEL CHE: No, I see it. I see it.

PETE DAVIDSON: Uh, here’s someone who really gives me the creeps. Indiana congressional candidate, Mike Pence’s brother, Greg Pence. This is a picture of him watching the episode of, ‘This Is Us’, where Jack dies. Just so you know, he’s actually running as a faith-based coserva.. [ Mumbles. ] He’s running as a..running as a..what? You never messed up at work before? ..As a faith-based conservative and not a Ken doll that spent a year in a river. Yeah, still end it.

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, there you go.

PETE DAVIDSON: It still worked, it worked. And don’t get me wrong, look, I’m not insane. I know I shouldn’t be making fun of how anyone looks. I look like I make vape juice in a bathtub. I look like a Dr. Seuss character went to prison. And the last thing I will say is, I know some of you are curious about the breakup. But the truth is, it’s nobody’s business, and sometimes things just don’t work out. And that’s okay. She’s a wonderful, strong person and I genuinely wish her all the happiness in the world. Now please, go vote on Tuesday. All right?

MICHAEL CHE: Pete Davidson, everybody.

PETE DAVIDSON: I’m still in that song though.