Weekend Update: Every Teen Girl Murder Suspect on Law & Order | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Brittainy…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Well, it’s a tough transition. The Young Adult book genre is more popular than ever. Here with her reviews of today’s hottest YA novels is ‘every teen girl murder suspect on Law & Order.’

[ Brittainy slides over in her chair to be sitting next to Colin Jost at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Uh, hey there Brittainy, how are you?

Brittainy: I don’t have to tell you anything, not until my lawyer gets here.

COLIN JOST: Oh, okay. But didn’t you say you wanted to come out and give us a book report?

Brittainy: I didn’t do it. I swear I didn’t do it. You have to believe me.

COLIN JOST: Okay. It says here you read the book, “The Hate You Give,” and you wanted to talk to us about it.

Brittainy: Oh yeah. That’s right. I remember now. It was good. It, like, says a lot about being a teen. And the pressure. I read it with my friends. At the library. And then we went home. And went right to bed. That’s it okay.

COLIN JOST: That’s all you did?

Brittainy: Okay, fine! We went to a big alcohol party at Carrie’s boyfriend’s house. And we drank beer from a beer keg, okay! That’s all we did, was drink alcohol, and go in a hot tub, and look at Carrie’s boyfriend. That’s it.

COLIN JOST: Okay, well what about the new Marcus Zusak book?

Brittainy: Look, I don’t know any more than you do. I got to homeroom, and they told us, Logan was murdered. And you know what? I was happy. She treated me like ass. And now she’s dead. In the trunk of my car. And I have no idea how she got there.

COLIN JOST: She’s in your car?

Brittainy: Okay, fine! I shoved her in the trunk, but it wasn’t my idea, okay. Carrie said we should just put her in the trunk and drive around a little to teach her a lesson. That’s all we did.

[ Cut to Michael chewing on a toothpick. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Damnit Brittainy. I’m tired of your lies. Tell the damn truth!

Brittainy: Your partner’s crazy!

COLIN JOST: Partner? This was supposed to be about books.

Brittainy: Okay, fine!! They dared me to stab her, but just as a joke. So I stabbed her. But Logan took it the wrong way and started bleeding.

COLIN JOST: Wait. So you did kill your friend?

Brittainy: I feel so bad about it. All the terrible things I done. But I guess the worst crime of all was being a bad friend.

[ Cut to end credits of Law & Order; the screen reads: “ Executive Producer DICK WOLF”. ]

COLIN JOST: Yeah, okay, well, the worst crime was murder. Teen murderer, everyone. Thank you so much.

Brittainy: That’s it. Okay!

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson’s First Impressions of Midterm Election Candidates | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Michael Che

…..Pete Davidson

[ Michael Che and Pete Davidson are sitting at the news desk. ]

MICHAEL CHE: As we said, the midterm elections are next week. Here with his first impressions of some of the candidates is Pete Davidson.

PETE DAVIDSON: What up? Hey Che. Um, so the midterm elections are obviously a huge deal.

MICHAEL CHE: Mmmhmm.

PETE DAVIDSON: after I had to move back with my mom, I started paying attention to them. She’s loving it. And I realized there are some really gross people running for office this year. So, here are my first impressions. Uh, this guy’s fun. Rick Scott from Florida. He looks like someone tried to whittle Bruce Willis out of a penis. Here’s a New York guy, Peter King. I actually don’t know a lot about him, except that he looks like if a cigar came to life. Uh, this guy’s kinda cool, Dan Crenshaw.

MICHAEL CHE: Oh come on, man.

PETE DAVIDSON: No, hold on. You may be surprised to hear he is a Congressional candidate from Texas and not a hitman in a porno movie. I’m sorry, I know he lost his eye in war, or whatever. Whatever. Oh, here’s a Democrat, so I look fair. Gimme that, like, Cuomo guy. There he is, alright. Yeah, Cuomo. He looks like a guy that’s sleeping with your mom, but stays over night and eats breakfast with you in his boxers. And then he asks ya, ‘how the baseballs going’ and you say you don’t play baseball. And he goes, ‘Oh! Queer’.

MICHAEL CHE: That is..that is very specific.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah, it’s just the vibe I’m getting.

MICHAEL CHE: No, I see it. I see it.

PETE DAVIDSON: Uh, here’s someone who really gives me the creeps. Indiana congressional candidate, Mike Pence’s brother, Greg Pence. This is a picture of him watching the episode of, ‘This Is Us’, where Jack dies. Just so you know, he’s actually running as a faith-based coserva.. [ Mumbles. ] He’s running as a..running as a..what? You never messed up at work before? ..As a faith-based conservative and not a Ken doll that spent a year in a river. Yeah, still end it.

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, there you go.

PETE DAVIDSON: It still worked, it worked. And don’t get me wrong, look, I’m not insane. I know I shouldn’t be making fun of how anyone looks. I look like I make vape juice in a bathtub. I look like a Dr. Seuss character went to prison. And the last thing I will say is, I know some of you are curious about the breakup. But the truth is, it’s nobody’s business, and sometimes things just don’t work out. And that’s okay. She’s a wonderful, strong person and I genuinely wish her all the happiness in the world. Now please, go vote on Tuesday. All right?

MICHAEL CHE: Pete Davidson, everybody.

PETE DAVIDSON: I’m still in that song though.