Kenan Thompson
Phoebe Waller-Bridge
Ego Nwodim
Alex Moffat
Dennis Jones… Chris Redd
[Starts with WANU Midday News intro]
[Cut to the news set]
Kenan Thompson: This is the morning, and welcome back to WANU Midday News.
[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Coming up, the mayor’s office announced a bold new plan to revamp the city’s infrastructure.
[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]
Ego Nwodim: And it’s about time. But first, yet another gas station has fallen prey to an armed robbery. A shell station in the 4,000 block of Pulaski highway was robbed around 11:45 AM this morning making that a total of seven gas stations to be attacked in the last week.
Alex Moffat: Ouff. Scary stuff.
[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: And we’re told the suspect remains at large. But authorities believe that they now have a credible description of the perp. The suspect described as a white male–
Kenan Thompson: Woo!
[Cut to everybody]
Ego Nwodim: Love it!
[Kenan Thompson and Ego Nwodim and having high-fives]
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: I’m sorry, what are you two celebrating?
[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]
Kenan Thompson: Oh, nothing. We’re just glad that we know what the criminal looks like.
[Cut to everybody]
And he ain’t one of us.
Ego Nwodim: You know what I’m talking about? You know what I’m saying? You know what I’m thinking?
[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Anyway, the suspect—
Kenan Thompson: White guy.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Was last spotted fleeing the scene on foot. So, anyone with information is being asked to contact the MPD immediately.
Kenan Thompson: Yes, help us catch this white criminal.
[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]
Alex Moffat: In other news, a Ponzi scheme has shaken some of Miami’s wealthiest residents.
Ego Nwodim: That’s one of y’all’s for sure.
Alex Moffat: Clemet Smith of Clemet Smith Investment Securities is accused of committing this egregious white collar crime.
Ego Nwodim: Right there in the name.
Alex Moffat: Smith is said to have been operating a multi-billion dollar Ponzi scheme.
Ego Nwodim: Now you know black people ain’t got that kind of money.
Alex Moffat: He was arrested this morning in Boca Raton.
[Cut to a picture of a black young man]
And look at that.
[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]
Ego Nwodim: Damn!
Alex Moffat: He’s black.
Ego Nwodim: Really, what?
Kenan Thompson: Okay, so I guess we tied.
[Cut to everybody]
One of ours for one of yours.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: This is ridiculous. No one’s keeping score. Okay. [Cut to Dennis Jones on weather report] We have an update on that tropical storm we’ve been tracking. Let’s hear from WAMU weatherman Dennis Jones. Dennis?
Dennis Jones: Thanks, Pam. We’ve been previously calling a tropical storm. It’s not upgraded to a category hurricane, as you see here, destroying everything in its path with incredible high winds. We’re calling this one Hurricane Chet. And that’s a white man’s name if I ever heard one.
[Cut to everybody in the news set]
Ego Nwodim: I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.
[Cut to Dennis Jones]
Dennis Jones: And that makes two of y’all, one of us. We in the lead, back in the game. Gang, gang. Gang, gang.
[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: No way. That doesn’t not count. Hurricanes are not white.
Kenan Thompson: Unless they’re named Chet.
[Cut to everybody]
Alex Moffat: Okay! Can we move on from this petty game please?
Kenan Thompson: Oh, because y’all losing.
Ego Nwodim: Oh, how convenient.
[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]
Alex Moffat: Okay, let’s just get back to the news. A Ft. Launderdale man was apprehended outside of a – cracker barrel.
Ego Nwodim: Um-hmm. Keep going.
Alex Moffat: For cutting brake lines on dozen bird-scooters.
Ego Nwodim: You know only white people got that kind of time.
Alex Moffat: Okay. Yeah. So, he’s white, so what?
[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: So now we’re down to one.
Kenan Thompson: It’s not looking too goof for y’all today. In other news, a shopper was apprehended by security at Oceanside mall for assaulting a man who stepped on his Air Jordan’s.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, I’m sorry. Did you say Air Jordan’s?
[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]
Alex Moffat: Oh, that’s black for sure.
Ego Nwodim: Damn.
[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]
Kenan Thompson: You know, I knew it. I knew it as soon as I saw it. Right.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Okay. And how about this one? A local woman attacked a cashier at a nail shop after they refused to take her welfare card.
Kenan Thompson: Oh, my lord.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Police say they’re looking for a 19-year-old white—Damn it!
Kenan Thompson: Whoo! That’s three, baby!
[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]
Ego Nwodim: Nice!
Alex Moffat: Okay, let’s get that back. Police say a Latino man—
Ego Nwodim: Ah! Skip that one. We don’t need that. Okay, how about this? How about a man on rock climbing trip was mauled by a bison for the second time in three months. See, y’all don’t learn. Y’all don’t like to learn.
Alex Moffat: Okay, just keep reading.
Ego Nwodim: This incident happened in the Utah National State park.
Alex Moffat: Not looking good.
Ego Nwodim: The family of the man now identified as Laquan Tankin.
Alex Moffat: Yes!
Ego Nwodim: Baby, what are you dong?
Alex Moffat: What an upset.
[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]
Kenan Thompson: A Laquan? Rock climbing? In Utah?
[Cut to Dennis Jones]
Dennis Jones: That’s okay. We still tied up baby. Let’s go.
[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: All right. Next one takes it. A man dressed as the joker— Damn it!
Kenan Thompson: Woo!
[Cut to everybody]
Good game. Good game.
[Starts with WANU Midday News outro]