Roy Moore & Jeff Sessions Cold Open

Heidi gardner

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Roy Moore… Mikey Day

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Heidi and Mike Pence in Vice President’s office]

Heidi: Mr. Vice President, Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore is here.

Mike Pence: Great, send him in.

[Roy Moore walks in. he is wearing a cowboy hat.[

[Heidi walks out.] [cheers and applause]

Roy Moore: How are you doing, Mike?

Mike Pence: Roy, I don’t have to tell you that the senate hangs in the balance. We are trying to pass a tax reform plan this year to bring Mr. Trump’s list of big legislative accomplishments to one. We can’t lose your seat this December.

Roy Moore: Yes, sir.

Mike Pence: Now, I know you’re Bannon’s guy but this latest news about you is concerning. Voters in Alabama will never elect someone who has had relations with a minor.

Roy Moore: You sure about that?

Mike Pence: No. Alabama is quite a place. But we can’t take chances.

Roy Moore: Mike, look, it’s all lies. I’m not that guy.

Mike Pence: Perhaps, roy, perhaps. But it’s hard to convince people that you are not into young girls when you dress like Woody from Toy Story.

Roy Moore: Come on. The left wing media loves to repeat these sexual harassment stories. There is a new every day, Mike.

Mike Pence:  I know, even I heard about Louis C.K. and I’m only allowed to listen to the TV. But this girl who accused you was 14 years old, Roy. You have got to do the right thing here.

Roy Moore: Alright. If everyone thinks I did it, I’ll marry her.

Mike Pence: No, Roy, no. No, Roy. I want you to consider stepping aside. Don’t think of it as ending your campaign. Think of it as going to conversion therapy to turn yourself into someone who is no longer a candidate.

Roy Moore: I mean, come on, sir, do we have to do it this way? Can’t we just call the boss?

Mike Pence: Sorry, I’m not going to call Vladimir Putin about this. Now, I can’t make you do anything, Roy, but I want you to think long and hard about this. I will give you a couple of minutes to consider.

[Mike Pence walks out]

Roy Moore: Oh, dang! What a pickle this is. What am I gonna do?

[Jeff Sessions comes out of a cupboard] [cheers and applause]

Jeff Sessions: You’re gonna drop out, that’s what you’re gonna do.

Roy Moore: Hey, Jeff Sessions, what are you doing here?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I was just doing what I always do. Cooking up nightmares for children. It’s good I”m here because I have been meaning to talk to you. Have a seat.

Roy Moore: alright.

Jeff Sessions: Now, Roy, you’ve been doing some controversial stuff. You wave a gun around on stage. Tell folks Muslims shouldn’t be allowed in the congress and that9/11 was god’s punishment for sodomy. I love it. You check a lot of boxes for me, Roy.

Roy Moore: Thank you, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: But, this is really bad. I’m usually the creepiest one in the room bu tI look at you and I’m like, “Oh, my god.” I got the goose flesh. They say you even admitted to being with a couple of 16 year olds.

Roy Moore: Oh, come on, Jeff. You know I was just kidding.

Jeff Sessions: Ah! Alright, that’s a relief.

Roy Moore: No. Kidding is the term I use for dating young ladies.

Jeff Sessions: Alright! Alright, get on out of here. I’m Alabama but you, sir, are too Alabama. Get out. [Roy Moore walks out] Get on. Leave me to my Gerrymandering. Oh, Papa, I need some advice. [Jeff Sessions pulls out an animal doll] Papa, what’s going on? I want to be happy again. I want to go back to the senate, daddy. I’ll be good. I’ll talk to Kamala Harris. I promise. But there are so many men out there acting like monsters. Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, the president. Daddy, has this been happening forever? Have I and benefitted from a system of oppression? No? Well, that’s a relief. I love you daddy. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Paul Manafort’s House Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Paul Manafort… Alex Moffat

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Donald Trump visiting Paul Manafort] [door bell ringing. Paul Manafort opens the door. Donald Trump walks in with two security guards.]

Paul Manafort: Oh, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Hey, Paul. I just came by to check up on you.

[cheers and applause]

Paul Manafort: Um, of course. I’m embarrassed. I only wore a casual $10,000 suit, you know? I thought you were on your way to Asia.

Donald Trump: Everybody does. But in fact, I sent Melania along with a very convincing look alike.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, why are you so quiet? Okay, then for the first time in 10 years, let me tell you about my day.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort]

Donald Trump: Paul, believe me. My staff is much happier that that look alike is going. They were terrified that when I got to Gina (mocking China) I would do the slant eyes thing like the guy on the Houston Astros. Hilarious, by the way.

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah.

Donald Trump: Politically correct now. Everything is so politically correct. I’m surprised you can even say ‘Oriental rugs’ anymore. By the way, these are fantastic. [talking about the carpet]

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah. Thanks. I got a great deal, only a million bucks because I paid cash.

Donald Trump: God, you screwed. Just so, so screwed. It’s a shame. You are going to prison because I was about to give you a huge tax break. We’re calling my tax plan cut, cut, cut, because it was named while I was having a small stroke. Speaking of cuts, do you have a good shiv you can bring with you to prison with you Paul? Because after the stuff I said about certain ethnic groups, they re going to go to town on you in prison.

Paul Manafort: Well, listen. Whatever happens, sir, I won’t betray you.

Donald Trump: I trust you, Paul. But just in case we re going to have to take this conversation somewhere else.

Paul Manafort: But I’m under house arrest. I’m wearing an ankle bracelet.

Donald Trump: We’re not leaving the house. Besides, everyone thinks I just left Hawaii.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: This whole trip, you were so dignified, you know? When we were in Hawaii and they offered you a ley, you didn’t make the usual tasteless joke. Also, you didn’t call Pearl Harbor fake news. And for once, you didn’t finish my dinner. Who knew that just by keeping your mouth shut, you could seem so presidential. Donald, have you been working out? Oh, Donald, I hope I remember how to do this.

[Melania leans towards Donald Trump] [Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in the shower topless.]

Donald Trump: I brought you to the shower to make sure you weren’t wearing a wire, Paul. That’s why we’re going to do this Gone Girl’s style.

Paul Manafort: Mr. President, I would never do that with you.

Donald Trump: That’s what she said. Like a whole bunch of she’s have said that. Speaking of which, what an idiot that Harvey Weinstein is. He could have gotten away with all of it if ony he had gotten himself elected president. Body wash?

[Donald Trump passes the body wash to Paul Manafort]

I have a proposition for you, Paul. All I need from you is to go to prison for a very, very long time. In return, I still get to be president which I hate but I’m too proud do quit. Does that sound fair?

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President–

[Mike Pence walks in the shower]

Mike Pence: Here, let me get your back. [Mike Pence takes the scrubber and scrubs Paul Manafort’s back]

Paul Manafort: Mike Pence? Why are you wearing a suit in the shower?

Mike Pence: Well, because I’m not married to the water.

Donald Trump: I wanted Mike to get his hands dirty too, okay? Because if I’m going down, I’m taking church lady with me. Mike, say cheese. [Donald Trump takes a picture of Paul Manafort and Mike Pence] There we go. If you say anything about this, Mike, I’ll text that photo straight to Jesus.

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President, can’t you just pardon me?

Donald Trump: Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. But we have a plan. A great plan. Isn’t that right, Jeff?

[Jeff Sessions joins them in the shower]

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. Do you want a loofah?

Donald Trump: I’m all your’s, Jeff. I’m all your’s.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Hi. I’m wearing a bathing costume that I got from my favorite place, the 1890s. Plus, I thought we should all get used to wearing stripes.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. You won’t go to prison, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I know. Coz I’m a sneaky lying little villain. If mean old Mr. Mueller comes after me, I’m just going to roll over and play dead like half possum that I am.

Donald Trump: As Jeff has pointed out, I can’t pardon you now. It would look too suspicious.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. So we concocted a genius solution, Mr. Manafort. I dropped my loofah. Oh, don’t worry. My trustee little tail is going to get it. [Jeff Sessions has a tail that is holding the loofah behind him] Now, as I was saying, we have an ingenious solution.

Donald Trump: Here’s the plan, Paul. I can’t pardon you now. But we’re gonna wait a few weeks and then dress you up like a turkey. And then, we’ll pardon you.

Jeff Sessions: It is a foolproof plan.

Donald Trump: Well, there is a small chance that I’ll screw that up too and my family will end up eating you for thanksgiving. So hang in there, Paul. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Donald Trump Trucker Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of people waiting for a speech]

Male voice: And now, please welcome the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you, people of her-ass-burg, Pennsylvania. It’s great to be here with all you truck drivers tonight. Love the truckers. We have so much in common, and not just because all the blood in our bodies pools in our legs and our butts. It’s been a big week, folks. We are getting rid of everything Obama did, health care, the Iran deal. And we are ripping out all these vegetables in Michelle Obama’s garden and planting McNuggets. McNuggets. Love the McNuggets. Coz, we love America, don’t we? That’s why, I had Mike Pence go to the colts game on Sunday. And when those players knelt during the anthem, I told him to get the hell out of there. Don’t worry. We are taking Mike partnership’s season tickets and donating them to two lucky fans in Puerto Rico. They just have to fly themselves to Indiana and book their own hotel. Because at some point, they have to start doing things for themselves, okay? I have actually got Mike standing by right now at the Indiana Pacer’s game. Mike, are you there?

[Cut to Mike Pence in the audience of Indiana Pacer’s game]

Mike Pence: Yes. Hello, Mr. President. Mother and I are here. We just watched the pacers cheer leaders perform a dance routine and I was very into it on a technical level.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: And what about the anthem?

Mike Pence: Oh, it’s starting now.

[National anthem playing]

Donald Trump: What are the players doing? Are they acting like little SOBs?

Mike Pence: No. They seem to be respectful. Wait, one of them is kneeling.

Donald Trump: Get out of there, Mike. Bail. Ditch it. Haul ass, Mike.

[Mike Pence and his mother rushes out] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Mike bailed. Big time. But that’s not why I’m here today. Today is about unveiling a magnificent tax plan. We’re gonna give you people back a lot of cash. That’s all I’m focused on. But also, what about Bob Corker? Little liddle Bob Corker. Corker is so small, you know, some politicians wanna be on the quarter some day. Bob Corker could actually be a quarter. He could take a nap on the quarter, okay? I mean, he is extremely small. Bob Corker is basically– and I know I’m not supposed to use this word anymore, but he’s a midget. Okay? Little itty bitty Bob Corker. I mean this guy is so small and I hate doing small jokes. But I have to because I’m the president. This guy is so small–

Audience: How small is he?

Donald Trump: Bob Corker is so small that dermatologist found him on a mole, okay? Very tiny Amigo. And speaking of Amigos, let’s check in again with Mike Pence. Mike, where are you?

[Cut to Mike Pence and his mother]

Mike Pence: we are inside the Starbucks, Mr. President.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: Mike, I need you to check the cups, okay? Do they say “Happy Holidays” or do they say “Merry Christmas?”

Mike Pence: Sir, it’s October. They wouldn’t have Christmas teamed cups yet.

Donald Trump: They would if they respect America, Mike. The cups would say “Merry Christmas” all year and they would show me and Santa Clause giving all the children coal because coal is the future of this country. Check the cups, Mike, okay?

Mike Pence: The cups say “Pumpkin spice is back”, sir.

Donald Trump: Get out of there right now, Mike. Bail! [Mike Pence and his mother rush out] Get in the private jet. Vamoos! Folks, we’re gonna start saying Merry Christmas again. And you cannot disrespect our lord and savior Santa Clause is like that. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. As I said, I need to talk about the tax plan and tone tax plan. Because the numbers are amazing. Just amazing. And also, how dumb is that Rex Tillerson, folks? I mean, really. What a dumb dumb dumbarooney. And he has the nerve to call me the moron. Talk about the pot calling the kettle Mexican. I am so much smarter than this guy, Rex. I have a huge IQ. I took a huge IQ test. Let me just assure you, it came back positive. Very positive. Okay? My IQ is through the roof and frankly, through many of the clouds as well, okay? And by the way, I’m the only guy who even knows what IQ means. Most people don’t even know what it stands for. Inquedible.  lot of people don’t know that. And speaking of Inquedible people, let’s just check back with Mike. Mike, where are you, buddy?

[Cut to Mike Pence and his mother]

Mike Pence: WE are inside the wedding, Mr. President. Everything seems very respectful.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: What do you see, Mike? Walk us through it?

Mike Pence: Okay. I see the groom. He is waiting patiently at the altar. And then I see– Oh, oh! There is another groom.

Donald Trump: get out of there, Mike! Bail! Pitch it! [Mike Pence and his mother run out] I know you hate this word, Mike. Abort, Mike! Abort! Vaminoos! Outrageous! No one should disrespect the sanctity of marriage like that as it says in my favorite verse of the bible, double korenthians, marriage is between a man and a woman. Then another woman. Then another woman. And maybe one more if you’ve got it in you, okay? Well, in conclusion, I think we solved the tax stuff just like we solved Puerto Rico. And finally, this is very important. Eminem apparently didn’t free-style rap on the BET network the other ay. And he rapped some very nasty things about me, and very soon I’m going to release a response rap on the White Entertainment Network, HGTV. So, watch it back, Eminem. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Donald Trump Hallelujah

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. …Mikey Day

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johannson

[Starts with Donald Trump playing piano in stage]

Donald Trump: [singing] I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?

[Kellyanne Conway joins Donald Trump]

Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift

[Mike Pence walks in and joins]

All: The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. join]

All: Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya

[Sarah Huckabee and Steve Bannon as grim reaper join]

All: And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump join]

All: I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’m not giving up because I didn’t do anything wrong. [Donald Trump looks around] But I can’t speak for these people.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Steve Bannon

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Donald Trump and Mike Pence in White House]

Donald Trump: Oh, Pence. Pence has started to believe I’ve president almost 100 days and I’ve already done so much. It’s hard to keep track of it all. Read to me again from the list of my accomplishments.

Mike Pence: Of course, sir. Nominated Neil Gorsuch.

Donald Trump: God, I love that list. What a beautiful, long list. But Mike, you forgot about all the bombings that I’ve been doing. I just dropped the mother of all bombs on ISIS. The biggest, fattest bomb they’ve ever seen. It’s so big and fat, it almost looks like me when I’m on my golf clothes.

Mike Pence: I’ll add that to the list, sir.

Donald Trump: Look around, Mike. We got so many great memories in this room.

Mike Pence: Yeah. If these walls could talk.

Donald Trump: Oh my god, can they? It wasn’t me.

Mike Pence: No, sir. That’s just a saying.

Donald Trump: Anyway, like I was saying, so many memories in this room. This is where I met with the Chinese president.

Mike Pence: That was at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I ordered the Syrian strike.

Mike Pence: That was also at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I showed classified information to the Japanese prime minister.

Mike Pence: That was in front of waiters at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: I know one thing that was here for sure. Remember when I refused to shake the hand with that little German boy?

Mike Pence: Umm, you mean Angela Merkel.

Donald Trump: Whatever his name was. the point is, these 100 days have been such a success. And I’m so sad my presidency is finally coming to an end.

Mike Pence: No sir, you still have over 1300 days left.

Donald Trump: I don’t know. Have you seen my tweets about North Korea? This could all be over by Monday.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha. Sir, I love when you so casually joke about North Korean.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no. I take North Korea very seriously. Kim Jong-Un is a bad, bad guy. He’s a war monger. He’s quick to anger. He’s a huge narcissist. He’s got the stupid little haircut. I mean, how can a little man like that run an entire country?

Mike Pence: I have no idea, sir. I just wish you’d leave North Korea alone. I mean, we have plenty of problems at home. For example, your top advisor Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner have been at each other’s throats. It’s a huge distraction for us. I think you need to talk to them.

Donald Trump: Fine! Send in Steve Bannon. Send him in.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He’s a grim reaper.]

Steve, wow! You’ve never looked younger. Now, send in my sweet little kush ball, Jared Kushner.

[Jared Kushner walks in wearing a bullet proof vest over his suit]

Boys, I’ve called you here for an important reason. Mike, will you excuse us?

Mike Pence: Happy to, sir. Mother is waiting. That’s what I call my wife.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I know I’m bad with women, but that sounds even worse.

Mike Pence: Understood, father.

[Mike Pence leaves]

Donald Trump: Jared, Steve, standing before are my two top advisors. But I only have one photo in my hand. That’s right, tonight is elimination night. There has been a lot of drama in the house and that’s why one of you must go. Now. Who gets to stay? Jared? You take the most beautiful photos. Steve, you take the worst photos I have ever seen in my life. And I’m not joking. When I see a photo of you, it makes me want to puke. Okay? Jared, I’ve sent you all around the world to represent me and no one has ever heard you speak. You’re like a little Jewish Omaly. And Steve, you may be smart, but I once walked in on you eating a live pig in the Roosevelt room.

Steve Bannon: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Donald Trump: Moment of truth. The photo in my hand represents the man who will be staying tonight. You will get to keep advising me and you will also get $100,000 courtesy of L’Oreal. If you do not see your photo, you must immediately leave the Oval Office and join Kellyanne Conway in the basement. But don’t worry, your journey doesn’t end tonight because you will bet to come back at the end of all of this and help send me to prison. And the person that will stay on as my adviser is… Jared. Congratulations, Jared. And Steve, I’m sorry, but it’s a good bye. Take him back to hell.

[a bigger grim reaper walks in and takes Steve Bannon away]

Steve Bannon: [screaming] No!

Donald Trump: Jared, you’re such an inspiration. You showed everybody that if you are born rich and marry my daughter, you can have anything you want. Have a seat at your new desk. I’d like you to just fix everything, okay? [Donald Trump leaves the president’s desk to Jared Kushner] If you need me, I will be over here in mine. [Donald Trump sits on a smaller desk that’s beside president’s desk]

Hey, Jared, I know you don’t like to talk, but why don’t you take it away? Shall we?

[Jared Kushner is struggling to speak]

God, you’re such a cute little twink! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Donald Trump Prepares Cold Open

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

General Dunlap… Mikey Day

Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?

Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?

Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.

Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?

[General Dunlap enters]

General Dunlap: Here he is.

Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.

General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.

Donald Trump: Sure.

General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.

Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.

General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.

[General Dunlap walks out]

Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.

Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.

Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?

Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!

Donald Trump: Every single one?

Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.

Donald Trump: How long is that wall?

Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.

Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?

Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.

Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.

Peter Chucksell: Okay.

[Peter Chucksell walks out]

Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]

Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?

Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.

[Mitt Romney walks in]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.

[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]

Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?

Donald Trump: I don’t think so.

Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.

[Mitt Romney walks out]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.

Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.

[Mike Pence walks in]

Mike Pence: Hello, sir.

Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?

Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.

Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.

Mike Pence: Absolutely.

Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.

Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.

Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.

Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.

Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.

Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Scrapped?

Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.

Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.

Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.

Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.

Mike Pence: Don’t do it?

Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.

Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?

Mike Pence: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Melanianad

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Emily Blunt

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Omarosa… Sasheer Zamata

Tiffany Trump… Vanessa Bayer

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with video clips of female friends and family members of Donald Trump thinking deep]

Melania: Here lies my last nerve, Donald. I’ve stood by your side this whole campaign, your beautiful, dutiful Melania. I can’t take it anymore. I am your wife.

Ivanka: Your daughter.

Kellyanne: Your mouth piece.

Omarosa: Your one black friend.

Tiffany: Your other daughter.

All: And you’re breaking us. Taking us for granted that we’ll always be there.

Melania: But one day soon, Donald, you may wake up and this bomb pussy bow blouse will be gone.

[music playing] [Music video starts]

Melania: I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
Donald, na!

‘m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry

Kellyanne: Always screwing up (I’m not sorry)
expect me to clean it up (I’m not sorry)
said I’d stick with you unless (I’m not sorry)
I think we’ve gotten to unless (I’m not sorry)
Melania: Me and my ladies pack our Gucci up
we spilling tea with our pinkies up
fix your bald spot, I’ve had enough
tryna’ thinking about you
I’m done thinking about

All: Four fingers up, make them bend right
poke him in the face, tell him, “Boy, bye”
tell him, “Boy, bye” (you’re fired)

four fingers up, tired of thinking about you

Ivanka: Daddy once tweeted “Sorry”
I’m not even making music
I’m supposed to be the brain tear
what the hell have happen thinking?

Now he’s bringing Paula Jones in
there goes my friendship with Chelsea Clinton
I miss you Chelsea Clinton
Call me Chelsea

All: Tired of thinking about you
I’m done thinking about you

four fingers up
tired of thinking about you.

Tiffany: Hell na! I killed on that convention speech, no lie
but I’ll never be Ivanka in your eyes
I don’t give a damn, tonight I’m turning tables
don’t call me Tiffany Trump, I’m Tiff Maples

Omarosa: Leaving the resignation in the hall way
signed as Omarosa, there’s no last name
No last name
I ain’t f***n with no last name

Melania: Don’t take me wrong, I have a good life
but Donald don’t underestimate your wife
I got Eastern Europe mindset
I might forgive but I won’t forget
Donald baby, watch out (watch out)
me and my women’s about to walk out
I see Mike Pence in the corner
looking for the back door

Mike Pence: You only want me when I’m not there

All: Without us you wouldn’t be standing there

Melania: You just be that guy with that weed hair
you just be that guy with that weed hair

I wrote that all by myself.

Donald Trump: Come on Melania, ready? It’s the wedding. Let’s go. You look very nice. But let’s go.

Women: Yes. Okay.

[All the women start walking]

Donald Trump: Tiffany, you wait here.

Tiffany: Oh! Cool.

Vice Presidential Debate Cold Open

Elaine Quijano… Melissa Villaseñor

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Tim Kaine… Mikey Day

Brooke Baldwin… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Vice Presidential Debate intro]

Narrator: The following is an encore presentation of Tuesday night’s Vice Presidential Debate.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano in her set] [cheers and applause]

Elaine Quijano: Good evening from Longwood University and welcome to the first and only Vice Presidential debate. I’m the new Hispanic cast member and tonight, I’ll be playing asian moderator Elaine Quijano because, baby steps. Now please, help me welcome America’s dad, senator Tim Kaine, and America’s stepdad governor Mike Pence.

[Mike Pence and Tim Kaine get in to the debate and shake their hands.] [cheers and applause]

Mike Pence: Good evening.

Tim Kaine: Ola, Elaine.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano. She is getting angry.]

Elaine Quijano: Hello. I’d like to thank you both for being here, and also say that you look exactly like before and after Rogan ad.

[Cut to split screen with Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.]

Mike Pence: We know.

Tim Kaine: We know.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano

Elaine Quijano: Our first question tonight is about foreign policy. What are your plans to combat terrorism at home and abroad? Senator Kaine, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to split screen with Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.]

Tim Kaine: Awesome, Elaine. I have an awesome answer for this and here it is. Donald Trump has called Mexicans rapists and he’s called women pigs and slobs.

Mike Pence: No, no. That’s not true.

Tim Kaine: Yes, it is, Elaine!

Mike Pence: No, it’s not. Those are lies. Donald Trump loves women. He respects women. He has never said a single bad thing about women. And I dare you to show me a single shred of evidence that proves otherwise.

[Cut to CNN Breaking News intro]

Announcer: This is a CNN Breaking News alert.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin in her news set.]

Brooke Baldwin: Well, looks like Donald Trump finally got what he wanted, a working microphone. Newly leaked audio shows Donald Trump and Billy Bush making lewd comments about women on an access Hollywood bus in 2005. Here to address this breaking scandal is Donald Trump himself.

[Cut to Donald Trump] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Are you not entertained?

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump]

Brooke Baldwin: Alright. Mr. Trump, this leaked audio showed you saying– you know, I can’t quite say it on live television. [hesitating to speak] But basically you said you wanted to– to–

Donald Trump: Grab them by the pussy.

Brooke Baldwin: Oh my god.

Donald Trump: And I would like to take this time to formally apple-lagize.

Brooke Baldwin: What? What are you saying?

Donald Trump: I deeply apple-lagize.

Brooke Baldwin: Are you trying to say apologize?

Donald Trump: No, I would never do that. [Cut to Donald Trump] What I am doing is apple-lagizing to all the people who are offended by my statements. But more importantly to the people who were turned on by them. I hear it’s really 50-50.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Um, okay. But Mr. Trump, why would you say these horrible things in the first place?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Come on, Brooke, I was trying to look cool. I mean, what normal red blooded American doesn’t wanna impress the Billy Bush? Also, P.S., you have to admit it’s kind of funny that the only Bush who matters in this general election is Billy.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump]

Brooke Baldwin: But doesn’t really excuse what you said.

Donald Trump: Listen, okay, this was way back in 2005. It was 11 years ago. Back when I was just a young childish 59year old man.

Brooke Baldwin: Um, okay. Now, Mr. Trump, many republicans have stood by you through a lot of other scandals but are now polling their support. People like senator John McCain.

Donald Trump: Coward.

Brooke Baldwin: Carly Fiorina.

Donald Trump: She’s a four.

Brooke Baldwin: And Idaho’s senator Mike Crapo.

Donald Trump: More like crap-o.

Brooke Baldwin: Okay. But you must admit this is bad for you.

Donald Trump: The only person I need is my running mate Mike Pence. I love Mike Pence. I respect Pence. I’ll always have Pence.

Brooke Baldwin: Well actually, today he said he can’t condone your remarks and then he cancelled his campaign events.

Donald Trump: Mike Pence is a loser. I hate his guts. I call him puny Pence.

Brooke Baldwin: Alright. Now, these comments have specifically offended women. What would you say to women voters watching this right now?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I would say this. Listen women, if you give me a chance I promise I can do a whole lot more than just grab it. I can also bop it, twist it and pull it.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Brooke Baldwin is disgusted.]

Brooke, I’m tired of talking about me, okay? We need to move forward and focus on the serious issues. I’d like to say my condolences and prayers to everyone affected by Hurricane Matthew. I love people in Florida and I hope that they stay safe. I love the people in Florida. I hope they stay safe.

Brooke Baldwin: Wow, that was actually a very nice thing to say, Mr. Trump. Um, thank you for being here.

Donald Trump: Thank you for having me.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, that was republican nominee Donald Trump. Joining us now to discuss more on this–

Donald Trump: Yeah, let me tell you something okay?

[Brooke Baldwin looking around]

Brooke Baldwin: What is that?

Donald Trump: I wish I was that hurricane [Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Donald Trump doesn’t know he is still on air and is speaking to someone.] tearing through all of that hot Miami pussy. Oh yeah. I would just destroy it.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump, we can still hear you.

[Donald Trump looks at the camera]

Donald Trump: Really? Then I apple-logize.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, we now go live to Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters where they’ve just received news of the leak.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and her colleagues dancing and partying]

Hillary Clinton: [dancing] I’m sorry Brooke, I’m sorry I didn’t see you. We were so busy preparing for the debate tomorrow. I am studying so hard, I am really nervous for this one.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton pops a champagne bottle and drinks from the bottle.]

Brooke Baldwin: Secretary Clinton, what do you think about this leaked audio? I mean you must have had a hard time listening to it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, I did. [looks at her colleagues] Take five, kids. [Her colleagues leave] Um, I did Brooke. It was incredibly disturbing. And when I heard it, I was deeply saddened. [smiling] It made me feel just horrible and very depressed. I’m sorry Brooke. I mean, it is a very, very sad day for our country and for all women, minus one. [winks]

Brooke Baldwin: I have to say, Mrs. Clinton, you seem pretty excited by this leak.

Hillary Clinton: Well, you know, it’s my reward Brooke, for every single thing I’ve been through in the last 30 years. White water, Benghazi, Mary J. Blige singing into my face for a full hour last week.

Brooke Baldwin: Now, since Mr. Trump’s comments were so bad.

Hillary Clinton: So, so bad. Just horrible. Horrible.

Brooke Baldwin: Do you think he should drop out?

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no. Give him a shot. He deserves that. But I would like to all of the women out there who heard Trump’s comments and are still voting for him. [joining her hands] My babies, your brain broke. I love you but this, you’re cray!

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, Mrs. Clinton. Thank you for your time. Thank you everyone at home for joining us. We’ll keep you posted.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. Let me tell you something.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Once again Donald Trump doesn’t know he’s on air.]

He’s a loser. He’s a huge, huge loser.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: I mean, can you believe Ted Cruz endorsed me? Do you see that sad little video of him making calls for me? Talk about a pussy that I left to grab by the throat.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump, your microphone is still on.

[Donald Trump looks at the camera]

Donald Trump: What? It is? Then I would like to tell Ted Cruz in all sincerity, I stand by with that what I said. You’re a huge loser.  And also, live from New York it’s Saturday night.

Mike Pence Impeachment Strategy Cold Open

Mike Pence … Beck Bennett

William Barr … Aidy Bryant

Rudy Giuliani … Kate McKinnon

Mike Pompeo … Matthew Broderick

Mr. Schiff … Mikey Day

Ben Carson … Kenan Thompson

President of Finland … Alex Moffat

[Cut to Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani and William Barr in a meeting]

Mike Pence: Rudy, attorney general Barr, thank you for joining me. As you know, this impeachment farce is growing worse by the day. And now, a second whistle-blower is coming forward.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: And it’s all happening during my busy season – Halloween.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Where is the president, Mike?

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: He has more important things to deal with. He’s meeting with an alligator breeder about filling a moat at the border.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: You should have told me. I know a couple of gators from when I lived in the central park zoo.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Rudy, we need to get ahead of this story before it spirals out of control. Did you see those text messages they uncovered?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: What! They totally exonerate us.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Really? What do they say?

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Well, this one says, “I think we should stop texting about the crimes and maybe tell the crimes over the phone that the crimes don’t leave little crime footprints.” See, it’s all taken care of.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: I can’t believe that. I’m supposed to be seeing the new Judy Garland movie with mother.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr:  You worry too much, Mike. Presidents get impeached every 30 or 40 years. Now, come on, relax, have another glass of milk.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Well, it’s 5 somewhere. [Mike Pence drinks milk in a whiskey glass] [Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Mr. Vice President, secretary Mike Pompeo has returned from Greece and is here to see you.

Mike Pence: Oh!

[Mike Pompeo walks in]

Mike Pompeo: Hey, good to be back.

Mike Pence: Mike, weren’t you subpoenaed by congress?

Mike Pompeo: I was, but I think I bought myself a little time.

[Cut to the chairman Mr. Schiff]

Mr. Schiff: This meeting of the house intelligence committee will now come to order. Pompeo. Pompeo. Pompeo.

[Cut to a doll of Mike Pompeo] [Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Listen, I’ve been asking around and I think that this whole impeachment thing could be really bad.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Who told you that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Like, America.

Rudy Giuliani: Not according to this Breitbart office poll that says 121% of people want Biden impeached.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Maybe we should listen to Mike. After all, he is secretary of—

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: State, I think? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. My ID just says Big Mike.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: That’s right. The only original cabinet member left in Ben Carson.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Did somebody say my name?

Mike Pence: That’s okay, Ben. This isn’t your job.

Ben Carson: Okay. But I’ve been sitting in my empty office for like three years. Does anyone know what my job is supposed to be?

William Barr: No idea. Anyone? I don’t know.

Ben Carson: Even if somebody could give me my password to my computer, that would be a great help.

William Barr: You know what? I better show Mr. Carson out.

Mike Pence: But you’ll be back, right? We’re in the middle of a crisis here.

William Barr: Oh, for sure, 100%. See you soon.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Rudy Giuliani: Listen, guys, we’re going to be just fine. We need to close ranks, you know? Like the mafia.

Mike Pompeo: Uh, yeah, except the mafia was like, smart. They didn’t go on Fox News and tell people crimes before they did them.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, that reminds me, I promised Hannity I would go on his show tonight. I better get into my stage make up so I look less– While I’m going, you guys should get your stories straight. Okay? Something like how hunter Biden started pizza gate or how this can all be traced back to Takashi 69. Whatever the worst idea is, text it to me so the feds have a record. I’ll be back.

[Rudy Giuliani leaves]

Mike Pompeo: He’s probably right about getting out stories straight.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Yes, because even if they’re not straight now, they could still be converted to straight, right?

[Cut to  Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: You know, though the other thing we could do is just flee the country. There’s a whole list of countries that would love to have us. North Korea, Saudi Arabia. End of list.

[Cut to everybody]

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, who is this guy?

President of Finland: I’m the president of Finland.

Mike Pence: Oh, my god. You’re still here? From the press conference?

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Yes. Mr. Trump kept screaming and then he just walked off and I did not know if it was over or what.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: You can go. You’re going to go.

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Well, I did want to say, the concept of diplomacy is very important.

[Cut to Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Oh, that’s cute. Hey, you know what? [Cut to everybody] I’m going to walk this guy out. So, what’s Finland like? I mean to live in.

President of Finland: It’s nice.
Mike Pence: Wait. You’re coming back, right, Mike? Because if things go bad for Trump, then I’m president.

Mike Pompeo: Oh, yeah, yeah, that’s great, that’s going to work out just great. I can’t wait for that to happen. And hey, impeachment moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, might miss it.

[Mike Pompeo leaves] [Cut to Mike Pence alone in a room]

Mike Pence: Wow, it looks like I’m here all alone.

[Assistant walks in with a basket]

Assistant: Actually, sir, Stephen Miller wanted to talk to you.

Mike Pence: Oh. Fantastic.

Assistant: Here he is.

[Assistant opens the basket, a snake comes out]

Mike Pence: Oh, thanks for coming by, Stephen. Do you have any way out of this impeachment? [Snake whispering] Oh really? [Snake whispering]  Biden, corruption? Okay, uh-huh. Get Nicholas Cage to steal the constitution and blame it on immigrants? Do you really think that will work? [Snake whispering] God, he’s good. He’s good.

[Assistant walks in]

And speaking of good, Rudy Giuliani is back from his appearance on Fox News. He’s still in stage makeup.

[Rudy Giuliani walks in with The Joker make up]

Rudy Giuliani: I killed on Hannity.

Mike Pence: Did you say killed?

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, and I’ll kill again.

Mike Pence and Rudy Giuliani: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Impeachment Cold Open – SNL

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Kim-Jong Un… Bowen Yang

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with a clip of White House] [Cut to Donald Trump in his office speaking on the phone] [Cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump is on left, Rudy Giuliani is on the ride side of the screen.]

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. Trump. What’s new?

Donald Trump: What do you mean what’s new, Rudy? I’m being impeached. It’s the greatest presidential harassment of all time I would know. I’m like the president of harassment.

Rudy Giuliani: You got to relax Mr. Trump. We’ve got nothing to worry about. Nobody’s going to find out about our illegal side dealings with the Ukraine.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we tried to cover up those side dealings.

Donald Trump: Great.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we plan to cover up the cover up.

Donald Trump: Rudy. Rudy, where are you right now.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani. He’s in CNN live show.]

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on CNN right now. I’m going to put you on speaker.

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.]

Donald Trump: Rudy, get out of there and whatever you do stay off the phone. [Cut to Donald Trump] I got another call. Okay. Who is this?

[Cut to William Barr in his office]

William Barr: It’s Attorney General Barr.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump on left, William Barr on right.]

Donald Trump: Will, I’m really starting to worry.

William Barr: Well, stay calm. Mr. President. I know things look bad right now but I got our top guy on this.

Donald Trump: Good. Well let’s get him on the phone too.

[Cut to screen split into three. Donald Trump on left, William Barr in the middle and Rudy Giuliani on right.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hello.

Donald Trump: Dammit! Not Rudy!

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Rudy, you’re not still on CNN, are you?

Rudy Giuliani: Of course not.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on the Joe Rogan party.

Donald Trump: Rudy, hang up the phone and get out of there. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and William Barr]. Will, you know I’m going to need somebody to take the blame for this.

William Barr: Yeah, but where are you going to find a sacrificial Patsy that don’t do anything you say, not it.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect stooge.

[Cut to Mike Pence.] [Phone ringing]

Mike Pence: Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Mike Pence.]

Donald Trump: Big Mike, how is church going? You’re still waiting on, what’s this face, to come back?

Mike Pence: You mean Jesus sir?

Donald Trump: Yes, that’s the guy. Listen, I’m just calling you about this whole Ukraine whistle blower thing. It’s looking pretty bad for you.

Mike Pence: For me? But you’re the one who broke the law.

Donald Trump: Hey, wait a minute. Don’t try to drag me into your mess. Hold on Mike, I’m getting a call from the boys. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump on left and Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on the right.] Hello.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. It’s your sons.

Eric Trump: And Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. I just can’t believe the lame stream media is focused on you and not on the corruption of Joe Biden’s son.

Donald Trump: I know. By the way did you take care of that thing in Russia for me.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Laughing] What thing in Russia?

Eric Trump: [Laughing] The treason!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric!

[Call waiting beeps]

Donald Trump: Hang on boys I’m getting a very important call from the Chairman.

[Cut to screen into two with Donald Trump and Kim Chairman Kim-Jong Un.]

Chairman Kim.

Kim-Jong Un:  What’s up?

Donald Trump: Thanks for getting back to me. I need some advice. How do you handle a whistle blower?

Kim-Jong Un:  Oh that’s easy. You have a big ocean in your country.

Donald Trump: Yes.

Kim-Jong Un: Okay. Send whistle blower to the bottom of them.

Donald Trump: Oh, wow. I wish my country was as cool as your country. [Phone ringing] Hang on hang on I got to take this.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Kanye West.]

Kanye, how have you been my man?

Kanye West: A lot better bro, actually. Remember those pills I were supposed to take. Hah? It turns out I’m supposed to take them every day. Can you believe that?
Donald Trump: That’s good. That’s good.

Kanye West: But actually, the reason I’m calling you because I don’t think we can be fam no more, fam.

Donald Trump: What? Why not?

Don King: Give me that phone. [Don King walks into Kanye] Only in America.

Donald Trump: Don King. Oh, don’t tell me you dudes are partying without me. Is Rodman there? And Tyson too?

Don King: Yeah. We were just having an emergency meeting at the black market. And, we all decided that this whole impeachment thing is hurting our brand.

Donald Trump: Oh don’t bail on me now. I need my Urban’s. Kanye, just tell me who you want out of jail this time. ASAP Rocky again? Or how about that little girl Teriyaki 69?

Kanye West: Look fam, we gotta go say goodbye to douche bag.

Don King: Yeah, Terrence Howard is up on the roof with an umbrella trying to prove that gravity don’t exist. Only in America.

[Cut to Donald trump]

Donald Trump: Wait. This whistle blower is starting to ruin everything for me. [Phone ringing] Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Jeanine Pirro.]

Jeanine Pirro: We’re tugged!

Donald Trump: Hey, Judge Jeanine. Things are not going so great. I’m really feeling down, I could really use a pep talk.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, Mr. President, you have come to the right place. Who’s my special beautiful boy?

Donald Trump: I am

Jeanine Pirro: Who makes every woman’s eyes pop out of her skull and go, “Oh God”?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jeanine Pirro: Damn right you do cause you’ve got dumbs like a truck, truck. And thighs like what, what?

Donald Trump: Thanks. I really needed that this whistle blower thing is just– it just won’t go away.

Jeanine Pirro: Well if you really want someone to go away, you know who to call.

Donald Trump: Right, that’s genius. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’ll call him right now.

[Cut to screen split into to with Donald Trump and Liev Schreiber.]

Liev Schreiber: Hello.

Donald Trump: Yes. Is this Ray Donovan?

Liev Schreiber: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: Ray Donovan the fixer. The guy who takes care of stuff. Wink wink.

Liev Schreiber: I told you Mr. President. Ray Donovan is a fictional character. I’m Liev Schreiber, the actor.

Donald Trump: Of course, right. I knew that. But if you can’t do it, can you connect me with John Wick?

Liev Schreiber: He’s fake. He’s fake too Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What about Liam Neeson?

Liev Schreiber: Oh, actually Liam might do it.

Donald Trump: Fine. That’s good. I’ll get him, problem solved. And live New York it’s Saturday Night.