Kavanaugh Hearing Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 1

Harris Faulkner (Fox News)…..Leslie Jones

Mr. Grassley…..Alex Moffat

Mrs. Feinstein…..Cecily Strong

Hon. Brett M. Kavanaugh…..Matt Damon

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Sen. Amy Klobuchar…..Rachel Dratch

Thom Tillis…..Mikey Day

Sen. Cory Booker…..Chris Redd

Sen. John Kennedy…..Kyle Mooney

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Hatch…..Beck Bennett

Mr. Graham…..Kate McKinnon

[ Fox News Alert opening sequence. ]

[ Cut to Harris Faulkner sitting at the news desk. ]

Harris Faulkner: Hello. I’m Harris Faulkner. And we are halfway through the Kavanaugh hearing. It’s special coverage at the Fox News we’re calling, “Wuh Oh!”Judge Kavanaugh himself is about to appear, so let’s go live to the Senate hearing room where two of the oldest white people I’ve ever seen are about to run a circus.

[ Cut to the Senate Hearing Room. There is a banging of a judge’s mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Order, Order. We are calling this meeting back to order. This hearing back to order.

Mrs. Feinstein: That’s right, we’re back from lunch. I had soup.

Mr. Grassley: And I had soup as well. It was too hot. Now we just heard some very moving testimony from Dr. Ford. I listened to her and I kept a very open mind and that is why I already voted yes for Kavanaugh before she said a word. Now we’ve heard from the alleged victim, but now it’s time to hear from the hero, Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Who I’m told has been shadowboxed in the men’s room for the last 45 minutes. Judge Kavanaugh!

[ Judge Kavanaugh’s seat is empty. He enters the room and takes a seat. He is consistently sniffing. ]

Kavanaugh: WHAT!

Mr. Grassley: Judge Kavanaugh, are you ready to begin?

Kavanaugh: Oh, hell yeah! Let me tell you this, I’m gonna start at an eleven. I’m going to take it to about a fifteen real quick. First of all, I showed this speech to almost no one. Not my family, not my friends, not even P.J. or Tobin or Squee. This is my speech. There are others like it, but this is mine. I wrote it last night while screaming into an empty bag of Doritos. I’m here tonight because of a sham, a political con job, orchestrated by the Clinton’s and George Soros and Kathy Griffin and Mr. Ronan Sinatra. Now I am usually an optimist. I’m a keg is half full kind of guy. BUt what I’ve seen from the monsters on this committee makes me want to puke and not from beer. Dr. Ford has no evidence, none! Meanwhile, I’ve got these. [ Kavanaugh shows his calendar to the hearing room. ] I’ve got these calendars. [ Kavanaugh begins to force a cry between his words. ] These beautiful creepy calendars about lifting weights with P.J. and Squee and Donkey Dong Doug. [ He puts the calendar down. ] But you don’t care about Squee or Donkey Dong Doug, do you? You just want to humiliate me in front of my wife, and my parents, and Alyssa frickin’ Milano. [ A cardboard cut out of Alyssa Milano pokes out behind Kavanaugh. ] Well guess what? I’m not backing down, you sons of bitches. I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘stop’. To quote my hero, Clint Eastwood’s character in “Gran Torino”, ‘Get the hell off my lawn!’ Now let’s do this!

Mr. Grassley: Okay. Well, I’m hard as hell. Senator Feinstein, you want to fight this monkey first?

Mrs. Feinstein: Judge Kavanaugh, [ Cut to Kavanaugh drinking a glass of water and spilling it all over his face. ] are you saying that all that all the claims of Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ramirez, and Mrs. Swetnick are false?

Kavanaugh: Ha! Uh, doy! [ Kavanaugh pours himself some more water. ]

Mrs. Feinstein: Then if you have nothing to hide, would you agree to an independent FBI investigation into the allegations?

Kavanaugh: Asked and answered. I wanted a hearing the next day. The next day.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, that in no way answers my question. Would you agree to an FBI investigation?

Kavanaugh: You want a real investigation. Then just look at my calendars. And you’re going to see that very night I Was lifting weight P.J. and Squee and Handsy HAnk and Gangbang Greg. Which you know the liberal media is going to find some way to spin.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, can we vote now?

Mr. Grassley: No, no. Senator Hatch.

Mr. Hatch: I just want to point out that democrats in this committee have acted like cowards. Now if you excuse me I would like to hide behind the female prosecutor we hired as a human shield.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay. So, hi. I’ve got about 4,000 loose papers on this weird little baby desk that they set up for me here. Okay. Now okay first of all, hello, my name is Rachel Mitchell. I’m here mostly for Twitter. And although everyone will constantly be referring to me as female prosecutor, you can really just call me straight up prosecutor. Okay. Now before we begin…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, you’re time is up.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay, wow, I’m already regretting this.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Klobuchar.

Klobuchar: Okay, okay. Here we go. Now Judge Kavanaugh would you say in high school that you were a frequent drinker?

Kavanaugh: Look, I like beer. Okay. I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer!

Klobuchar: Okay, so I asked if you drank in high school and you said, ‘I like beer’ ten times. That leads me to the next question. Did you ever drink too many beers?

Kavanaugh: You mean, was I cool? Yeah. [ Kavanaugh continues to drink water and spills it on himself. ]

Klobuchar: Alright. Alright. Then tell me this, Judge, did you ever drink so much that you blacked out?

Kavanaugh: I don’t know. Did you? Huh? Huh? Huh? Did you ever blackout?

Klobuchar: Excuse me?

Kavanaugh: Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I think I just blacked out for a second.

Klobuchar: I accept your apology, Judge. Can I just ask…[ Alyssa Milano cardboard pokes out behind Klobuchar. ] Is Alyssa Milano behind me? She is just so good at finding her lens.

Mr. Grassley: Order, order! Senator Tillis.

Tillis: Thank you. I would also like to yield my time to the female assistant. Or sorry, do you prefer stewardess?

Rachel: Oh okay, I cannot believe I flew here on Southwest for this. Um, okay now Judge Kavanaugh, do you have the definition of sexual behavior in front of you?

Kavanaugh: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay could you please read it to yourself and while you do could you please look at the piece of paper like you hate it? And could you also squint and make your mouth into the tiniest little mouth we have ever seen?

[ Kavanaugh looks at the paper squinting and puckering his lips. ]

Kavanaugh: Okay, I read it.

Rachel: Okay now having read it could you…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel again. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Oh okay. Very cool.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Booker, are you ready to speak?

Booker: I will not dignify this hearing with words. I will just show you one expression I call the ‘Booker look’. [ Booker makes an exaggerated sad face and shakes his head in disapproval. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, thank you Senator Booker. Senator Kennedy from Louisiana.

Kennedy: Judge Kavanaugh, I only have one question for you. Look me in the eye, in front of God, and I want you to answer honestly. That beer you like to drink, are we talking foreign or domestic?

Kavanaugh: I drink American Beer.

Kennedy: You ain’t drinking Heineken on us?

Kavanaugh: I drink American beer!

Kennedy: No further questions! This guy checks out. I give the rest of my time to Miss Frizzle.

Rachel: Okay, now I gotta make this quick…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Damnit. Damnit.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Whitehouse!

Whitehouse: Yeah, I’d just like to ask Judge Kavanaugh about his yearbook.

Kavanaugh: Oh yearbook. We’re talking about a yearbook right now.

Whitehouse: Uh, Judge Kavanaugh, what is ‘boofing’?

Kavanaugh: It was flatulence. I was 16.

Whitehouse: Can you use ‘boof’ in a sentence?

Kavanaugh: Sure. I passed out from drinking but then I boofed so loud, I woke myself up.

Whitehouse: Okay, what about ‘Devil’s Triangle’?

Kavanaugh: It’s a drinking game.

Whitehouse: Okay, ‘Eskimo Brothers’?

Kavanaugh: Drinking game.

Whitehouse: ‘Eiffel Tower’ with Dougie One Nut?

Kavanaugh: That was a possible trip to France that didn’t pan out.

Whitehouse: Judge Kavanaugh, my staff just googled all these terms and they’re clearly referring to sex.

Kavanaugh: Well that’s impossible because I didn’t have sex for many, many, many years. Many years. All I did was drink, a lot, and not think about having sex at all. I was the proudest, drunkest, virgin you’ve ever seen. And everyone can relate to that.

[ Mr. Graham bangs his fist on the desk. ]

Mr. Graham: I object.

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Lindsey Graham.

Mr. Graham: I object. That’s right. [ He points his finger and shakes it. ] I have been waiting to yell and shake my finger and get rid of this tomato for 15 minutes. And I know I’m supposed to shut up because I am single white male 5’10”, uncut. But I will not shut up, because this is a bunch of c-r-a-p crap! This ain’t no trial. This ain’t no due process. You know what this is Judge Kavanaugh, you know what this is?

Kavanaugh: Is this a real question?

Mr. Graham: This is hell! That’s what it is. It’s hell. [ He keeps pointing and exaggerating his pointing. ] Is this hell to you, Judge Kavanaugh?

Kavanaugh: Well, it’s pretty bad.

Mr. Graham: It is hell! And for what? You don’t just be Bill Cosby and suddenly you’re not Bill Cosby anymore.

Kavanaugh: Okay well you don’t, you don’t have to compare me to Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: No, no. You are him. You are him. Imagine this man in handcuffs like Bill Cosby.

Kavanaugh: Just please stop saying Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: You put this man on Supreme Court now! No vote, no discussion. You give him a damn robe and you let him do whatever the hell he wants. Because this right now, this is my audition for Mr. Trump’s cabinet. And also for a regional production of ‘The Crucible’. And let me tell you, queen, I was good.

Mr. Grassley: Alright. [ He bangs his mallet. ] Alright. [ He bangs his mallet again. ] Alright, I think we’ve heard more than enough. Ranking member Feinstein, would you like to say something in closing?

Mrs. Feinstein: I just have one final question for Judge Kavanaugh. After all of this, do you really think you have the right demeanor and temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice?

[ Kavanaugh turns two pages of paper with force. ]

Kavanaugh: I went to Yale! I work my butt off to get here. I busted my buns. I lifted weights. Every day [ He begins to cry. ] with Tobin, and P.J., and Squee. And Donkey Dong Doug. And yeah, we had a couple thousand beers along the way. Especially my good friend, Mark Judge, who can’t remember huge chunks of his life, but is my key witness. So am I angry, you’re damn right. But if you think I’m angry now, you just wait till I get on that Supreme Court cause then you’re all gonna pay. Give me a can of water. [ He shotguns a can of water. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

80’s Party: Season 44 Episode 1

Hank…..Mikey Day

Fenster…..Adam Driver

Frat Guy 1 (Andrew Gucherman)…..Beck Bennett

Frat guy 2…..Chris Redd

Sorority Girl 1…..Ego Nwodim

Sorority Girl 2…..Cecily Strong

Sorority Girl 3…..Aidy Bryant

Frat guy 3…..Pete Davidson

Frat guy 4…..Alex Moffat

Sorority Girl 4…..Heidi Gardner

Sorority Girl 5…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Image of the front of a Frat House with a title that reads in ‘Rad Times At Frat U”. ]

[ Cut to Fenster and Hank walking down the street towards the Frat House. ]

Hank: I don’t know Fenster, a frat party?

Fenster: Come on Hank, it’s Homecoming weekend! You have to party.

Hank: Yeah, I should be studying.

[ They approach the door and Fenster rings the doorbell. ]

Fenster: Come on, dorkus, live a little.

[ Frat guy 1 answers the door. ]

Frat guy 1: Ooh, welcome to the fun house, nerds. Homecoming weekend. Hahahaha.

[ Hank and Fenster enter a very crowded active party. ]

Hank: Oh boy.

Fenster: Well Hank, this will be a night we will never forget.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Fenster as he enters the party. Below his face is the caption, ‘Stated in a recent deposition he has no memory of this night.’ ]

[ Cut to the break in a game of pool. ]

[ Cut to a frat guy shotgunning a beer. ]

[ Cut to frat guy 1 and 2 standing in the kitchen drinking beers. ]

Frat guy 2: Wow, this party’s crazy.

Frat guy 1: Look around freshman. Nothing we do tonight matters.

Frat guy 1 & 2: No consequences!

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of frat guy 2 smiling. The caption below his face reads, ‘Lost his medical license as a consequence of this night.’ ]

Sorority Girl 1: Sorry guys, turns out we couldn’t get beer.

Sorority Girl 2: But we got cocaine!!! [ She waves a small bag of white powder. The rest of the party cheers. Then she rubs some of the white powder on her gums. ]

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of sorority girl 2 rubbing cocaine on her gums. The caption below her face reads, ‘Fox News Correspondent’. ]

[ Cut to sorority girl 1 dancing then black and white freeze frame of her with cocaine smeared below her nose. The caption reads, ‘MSNBC anchor’. ]

[Cut to Sorority girl 3 waking up on the couch. She has sharpie markings all over her face and she walks away from the couch. Then the camera does the black and white freeze frame with her caption reading, ‘Forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ]

[ Cut to two sorority girls making out. ]

Random frat guy’s voice: Woah, those chicks are making out.

[ Cut to a group of frat guys sitting on the stairs, drinking beers, while watching the two girls make out. ]

Frat guy 3: Oh wow, two girls kissing. I live for this stuff boys.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of frat guy 3 smiling on the stairs. The caption below his face reads, ‘Lives upstate with husband of 15 years’. ]

[ Cut to Hank sitting on the couch talking to a girl. ]

Hank: Man, I’m not going to get stuck in this town. I’m going places.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Hank. His caption reads, ‘Dead’. ]

[ Cut to a beer can being opened. ]

[ Cut to the dance floor where everyone is dancing. There is girl, Agnus, with head gear up front and frat guy 1 approaches her. ]

Frat guy 1: Hey Agnus, I got you a present. [ He goes in for a kiss over her head gear and she pulls away saying, ‘Ew!’ ]

Frat guy 4: Twenty bucks my dude. [ He hands frat guy 1 $20 as a reward for kissing Agnus over her head gear. ]

Frat guy 1: Ew, I can’t believe I did that.

Frat guy 4: Me either! [ They shake hands and hug. ]

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Frat guy 1 with his hands in the air smiling. The caption reads, ‘Perpetually haunted by this moment’. ]

[ Cut to Frat guy 4 dancing then black and white freeze frame. This caption reads, ‘Also forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ]

[ Cut to three sorority girls drinking beers next to other party-goers playing Pong on a small TV. ]

Sorority Girl 4: Ew, did you hear that the Gooch kissed Agnus the hag-nus?

Sorority Girl 2: Ugh, that guy is such a skeez.

Sorority Girl 5: Yeah, stay away from him.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of the three sorority girls. The caption is below Sorority Girl 5 and it reads, ‘Dated him’. The caption below sorority girl 2 reads, ‘Dated him’. And the caption below sorority girl 4 reads, ‘Married him’. ]

[ Cut to the pool. There are a few people in the pool and the rest are standing around the pool. Frat guy 1 is walking to the edge of the diving board fully clothed. ]

Frat guy 1: Hey everybody! People are going to be talking about this party for the rest of our lives. And when they do, remember that I, Andrew Gucherman, did this. [ He unzips his pants and pulls them down revealing his naked lower half. ] Memorize these nuts! [ He takes off his shirt and does a back flop into the pool. ]

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of a naked frat guy 1 just before he lands in the pool on his back. The caption reads, ‘Insisted to a federal grand jury he never did this’. ]

[ Cut to frat guy 1 splashing into the pool and the rest of the party-goers cheering him along from the sides of the pool. ]

[Cut to black and white freeze frame of the party-goers cheering. Captions start appearing underneath everyone reading, ‘Backed him up’ and the caption beneath Hank reads, ‘Killed by Andrew Cunanan’. ]

[ Cut to image of the front of the frat house with a caption that reads, ‘Frat disbanded after five-part Rolling Stone article’. ]

[ Cut to Fenster sitting handcuffed between two FBI agents. ]

Fenster: But hey, that was the 80’s. So how serious are the charges?