Ray… John Cena
Miles… Mikey day
Heather… Vanessa Bayer[Starts with students getting ready for project presentations.]
Aidy: Our applied science’s 101-A final projects continue today with three more students who will present their findings and field questions from our panel.
Ray: Um, professor, before we begin can I say something? Alright, let’s be real. I’m in Alabama mostly because of my abilities in the football field. But I take my academics incredibly serously.
Aidy: Oh, that’s very admirable, Ray.
Ray: That’s why I said unless I got A+ on all my finals, I will voluntarily sit out that bowl game against Washington.
Beck: Well, we uphold our end by judging you just like any other student. And also, thank you for signing my hat.
Ray: No problem.[Kenan has painted his face the color of Alabama jersey]
Kenan: Absolutely. Don’t you expect any favors from us.
Aidy: Wonderful. Now, would you all please state the topics that we assigned to you.
Miles: Um, yes, Quantum entanglement impaired particles.
Heather: Ionization in the gas phase.
Aidy: Fantastic. Now, please display your projects.
Kenan: Miles, I found you small particle accelerator while crude, to be quite clever.
Aidy: Yes, and Heather, your cloud chamber was equally as impressive.
Heather: Thank you.
Miles: That’s very kind. Thank you.
Beck: But Ray, we were all blown away by our bananas nailed to a piece of plywood.
Ray: Thank you, sir. It was hard to make.
Miles: Um, I’m sorry, bananas nailed to a piece of plywood? I just don’t think this is very fair.
Kenan: Please concentrate on your own project, Miles.
Coach: Hey, can we move this along? He’s got practice at three.
Ray: Hey, Coach, I have practice if I get an A+.
Coach: Oh, yeah, yeah. A+, yeah. right.
Ray: [clearing throat] May I read my findings?
Aidy: Oh, of course, Ray.
Ray: [clearing throat] Sorry, nervous. Banana is a yellow snack that monkeys eat. These five types of bananas [showing bananas he has nailed on a plywood], yellow, brown spotty, very brown, green and round. [The last one is an orange]
Heather: I’m sorry, there’s an orange on his banana board.
Kenan: Hey! That is a round orange banana.
Miles: I promise you that is an orange.
Beck: Are you trying to make us lost the game, nerd? God! Continue, Ray.
Ray: I used to not like bananas because they look like boys’ wieners, but now I like them because they’re yummy. Thank you.
Aidy: Brilliant. Truly brilliant, Ray. The floor is open for panel questions.
Beck: Um, Miles, why did you omit the effects of entanglement swapping from the calculations?
Miles: Um, I did not have the proper research in that area.
Kenan: Very disappointing.
Beck: This is important, guys. Science is in the details. How, Ray, what’s the outside of a banana called?
Ray: [thinking hard] The… crust?
Aidy: Heather, look at the monitor please. Is this an integral or differential condensation curve?[There’s a curve with many details on the monitor]
Heather: Um, it’s a– well, it’s- it’s weird. I- I haven’t– Um, I haven’t like, seen one like that.
Aidy: Okay. Are you, uh, like, um, like, like, so sure?
Kenan: Now Ray, direct your attention to the monitor and your question is, is that funny?[A cartoon banana is dancing on the monitor]
Ray: [laughing] Peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter jelly time.
Miles: I’m sorry. This is insane. I haven’t slept in a month building a particle accelerator and Ray just gets to laugh at a banana GIF?[Kenan jumps to attack Miles but others stop him]
Beck: It’s okay.
Kenan: I’ve had it with this kid!
Beck: Alright. You know what? We’re ready to announce your grades. Nerd, you’ve scored a 20%.
Miles: [disappointed] What?
Aidy: Heather, 70.2%
Heather: [disappointed] Uh! I hate this school.
Kenan: And Ray, I’m happy to say you scored 100%.
Ray: Woo-hoo! Oh, Coach! I did it!
Coach: Hah? [using his phone] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re the smartest kind in the world.
Beck: Looks like you can play in the bowl game after all.
Ray: I’ll just have to get A+ on my English Lit final first. But I ain’t worried, coz I know the hell out of the very hungry caterpillar. [opening children’s caterpillar book] [The End]