Tag: Miles

Miles Teller Monologue

Miles Teller

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Miles Teller.

[Miles Teller walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Miles Teller: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so excited to be here hosting the season premiere of SNL. This is my first time hosting and I know they like when you do impressions and play different celebrities and I wanted to come prepared. So I asked my friends What celebrity do I look like? I was thinking a young De Niro, maybe a Paul Newman. And they were like “Nope, Rachel Maddow.” I didn’t see it personally. But then one of them sent me this this year. [A pictures of him and Rachel Maddow appear where they look similar]

I was in a movie called Top Gun Maverick. And one of the things that I loved about the movie is that it really seemed to bring people together. I mean, it’s not every day you get a movie that’s loved by both the military community and the gay community. That worked out. It was also amazing getting to work with Tom Cruise. I mean, that guy is legend. We both pushed ourselves to the absolute limit for this movie. I mean, he did his own stunts, and I grew my own moustache. In the movie, there’s a scene where my character rooster plays and sings Great Balls of Fire on the piano. And, you know, I played piano a bit growing up so I told him, “Look, I don’t need a double guy. So I will do this myself. I’ll do it live.” So I learned the song and I practiced it a bunch. I even took piano lessons. My instructor was JK Simmons. He was surprisingly nice. Thank you JK. And onset, I played the entire song beginning to end. And then when I saw the movie, this is what they ended up using.

[a funny clip from the movie plays]

I gotta say I am so honored to be here. Growing up, me and my family would watch SNL every week, and then my sisters and I would reenact some of the sketches. And my mom would videotape them. One of our favorites was the Spartan cheerleaders, you know with Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri. I of course played Cheri Oteri because I was eight and I had the frame for it. Now I thought that video was lost. But my mom found it. And she’s here tonight and she brought it. [an old video of him and his sister playing Spartan Cheerleaders is playing]

Sister in the video: Ready?

Miles Teller: That’s me in the tank top. My sister Erin is playing Will Ferrell. Oh yeah. And if you look in the background, that’s my other sister Dana. Pretty sure she’s playing Lorne Michaels. And then we finish our routine with the classic “Who’s that Spartan in my TP.”

Sister in the video: Ay, Who’s that Spartan in my TP?

Miles Teller in the video: It’s me! It’s me!

Sister in the video: Ay, Who’s that Spartan in my TP?

Miles Teller in the video: It’s me! It’s me!

Miles Teller: Nailed it. But seriously, how crazy is that? My parents used to watch me doing skits in my living room. And now they’re here watching me host Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] We got a great show for you tonight. Kendrick Lamar is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Science Presentation

Aidy Bryant

Ray… John Cena

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Miles… Mikey day

Heather… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with students getting ready for project presentations.]

Aidy: Our applied science’s 101-A final projects continue today with three more students who will present their findings and field questions from our panel.

Ray: Um, professor, before we begin can I say something? Alright, let’s be real. I’m in Alabama mostly because of my abilities in the football field. But I take my academics incredibly serously.

Aidy: Oh, that’s very admirable, Ray.

Ray: That’s why I said unless I got A+ on all my finals, I will voluntarily sit out that bowl game against Washington.

Beck: Well, we uphold our end by judging you just like any other student. And also, thank you for signing my hat.

Ray: No problem.

[Kenan has painted his face the color of Alabama jersey]

Kenan: Absolutely. Don’t you expect any favors from us.

Aidy: Wonderful. Now, would you all please state the topics that we assigned to you.

Miles: Um, yes, Quantum entanglement impaired particles.

Heather: Ionization in the gas phase.

Ray: Bananas.

Aidy: Fantastic. Now, please display your projects.

Kenan: Miles, I found you small particle accelerator while crude, to be quite clever.

Aidy: Yes, and Heather, your cloud chamber was equally as impressive.

Heather: Thank you.

Miles: That’s very kind. Thank you.

Beck: But Ray, we were all blown away by our bananas nailed to a piece of plywood.

Ray: Thank you, sir. It was hard to make.

Miles: Um, I’m sorry, bananas nailed to a piece of plywood? I just don’t think this is very fair.

Kenan: Please concentrate on your own project, Miles.

Coach: Hey, can we move this along? He’s got practice at three.

Ray: Hey, Coach, I have practice if I get an A+.

Coach: Oh, yeah, yeah. A+, yeah. right.

Ray: [clearing throat] May I read my findings?

Aidy: Oh, of course, Ray.

Ray: [clearing throat] Sorry, nervous. Banana is a yellow snack that monkeys eat. These five types of bananas [showing bananas he has nailed on a plywood], yellow, brown spotty, very brown, green and round. [The last one is an orange]

Heather: I’m sorry, there’s an orange on his banana board.

Kenan: Hey! That is a round orange banana.

Miles: I promise you that is an orange.

Beck: Are you trying to make us lost the game, nerd? God! Continue, Ray.

Ray: I used to not like bananas because they look like boys’ wieners, but now I like them because they’re yummy. Thank you.

Aidy: Brilliant. Truly brilliant, Ray. The floor is open for panel questions.

Beck: Um, Miles, why did you omit the effects of entanglement swapping from the calculations?

Miles: Um, I did not have the proper research in that area.

Kenan: Very disappointing.

Beck: This is important, guys. Science is in the details. How, Ray, what’s the outside of a banana called?

Ray: [thinking hard] The… crust?

Beck: Bingo!

Aidy: Heather, look at the monitor please. Is this an integral or differential condensation curve?

[There’s a curve with many details on the monitor]

Heather: Um, it’s a– well, it’s- it’s weird. I- I haven’t– Um, I haven’t like, seen one like that.

Aidy: Okay. Are you, uh, like, um, like, like, so sure?

Kenan: Now Ray, direct your attention to the monitor and your question is, is that funny?

[A cartoon banana is dancing on the monitor]

Ray: [laughing] Peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter jelly time.

Miles: I’m sorry. This is insane. I haven’t slept in a month building a particle accelerator and Ray just gets to laugh at a banana GIF?

[Kenan jumps to attack Miles but others stop him]

Beck: It’s okay.

Kenan: I’ve had it with this kid!

Beck: Alright. You know what? We’re ready to announce your grades. Nerd, you’ve scored a 20%.

Miles: [disappointed] What?

Aidy: Heather, 70.2%

Heather: [disappointed] Uh! I hate this school.

Kenan: And Ray, I’m happy to say you scored 100%.

Ray: Woo-hoo! Oh, Coach! I did it!

Coach: Hah? [using his phone] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re the smartest kind in the world.

Beck: Looks like you can play in the bowl game after all.

Ray: I’ll just have to get A+ on my English Lit final first. But I ain’t worried, coz I know the hell out of the very hungry caterpillar. [opening children’s caterpillar book] [The End]

Fresh Takes | Season 44 Episode 13

Justin Purcell… Mikey Day

Scott Partec… Alex Moffat

Chrissy Lake… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Paul… Don Cheadle

Miles… Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Nurse… Leslie Jones

[Starts with TV channel program schedule] [Cut to Fresh Takes intro] [Cut to Justin Purcell at his set]

Justin Purcell: Good morning, class of 2022. This is ‘Fresh Takes’, the only news show made by and for Lincoln High Freshmen. I’m Justin Purcell. Alongside the panel, [Cut to Justin and Scott] my best friend, Scott Partec who asked Amy Zofried to winter formal this morning. So, what’d she say?

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: She said, “Yes, as friends”.

[Cut to Justin and Scott]

Justin Purcell: Oh! Kind of sucks. [Cut to Justin Purcell] Also on the panel, Chrissy Lake who just got her braces off and can’t stop licking her teeth.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: I’m sorry. It’s, like, so slimy. I love it.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: And lastly, one of our favorite guest returns. Earth science teacher Mr. Paul is here with all that teacher gossip.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: That’s right. Last time I was here I got in trouble for revealing things about my coworkers that they told me in confidence. Buy, hey, there’s a reason I don’t work at Chipotle. I spill all the beans.

[Cut to everyone at the panel]

Justin Purcell: Yeah, you do. Maybe a little too much sometimes.

Mr. Paul: Oh, I got more dirt than a dugout. [Cut to Mr. Paul] Including which teacher drives an Uber on the weekends. Oh, and it will blow your mind. It will also make you sad.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: All right. We are discussing all the top stories and the freshman class is talking about today.

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: That’s right.  We’ve got this coupon, Jamie Isaac’s pool party last weekend. We’ll run down who wore a T-shirt in the pool and why they said they did.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake:  But first our top story. Lots of popular kids are getting cold sores. How? And why? For the answers, let’s go to Miles who is on Cold Sore Watch.

[Cut to intro of Cold Sore Watch] [Cut to Miles at his set]

Miles: Thanks Chrissy, why don’t you say we go ahead and break this down. So far, 12 cool kids in at least 5 different cliques got a cold sore. What do they all have in common? All 12 went on the Ski Club Trip last week which we’ve learned got pretty crazy.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, yeah, I chaperoned that trip. I didn’t give them vodka, but I didn’t take it away either.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Okay. Anyway, all 12 participated in a game of ‘Spin the bottle’ that we believe was ground zero for this nasty bacon lip.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Scary stuff. Miles, what can students do to avoid getting the kiss blister?

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, obviously, avoid kissing randos. Drinking from the water fountains. And until this thing cools down, I’m sorry, guys, no sharing Juuls. Also, Chrissy, look at the screen.

[The screen shows a proposal, “Krissy, will you go to winter formal with me?”] [Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Oh, sorry, no, I’m going with Brett Weiss.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: I know, I was joking. All right, bye.

[Miles leaves] [The screen shows the message “SHE SAID YES!”] [Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, man. That was rough. If I was that kid, I would change schools.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: I don’t know about that. Time to pay some bills. ‘Fresh Takes’ is sponsored in part by Rap Battle Club.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Aidy Bryant]

Chris Redd: Join Rap Battle Club and learn to spit mad bars and battle like this. Okay, here we go.

Listen, girl, your shoes are whack!

Aidy Bryant: What? You have no idea what I’m going through right now.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: All right, maybe sure she’s okay. Looks like the school nurse has an announcement. Let’s go there live.

[Cut to Nurse]

Nurse: Yeah, the results of the JV wrestling team’s ring worm check are in. The following students have ring worm. The entire JV wrestling team. So nasty. Thank you.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Okay, all right. Well, Mr. P., it’s time to get some gossip on our teachers.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Ha-ha. I thought you’d never ask. Okay, guess which teacher over 50 is shredded. Mr. Burke. I was curious about this body as I am with everyone’s. So I accidentally spilled some coffee on his shirt and he lost his shirt, but he won my respect. Sholey-guacamole, that old man shredded like Cheddar. I saw all the usual suspects, pecs, abs and the vicious V. You know what I’m talking about, right?

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Not really.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: You know, the V, those two little lines that move down where all lanes merge. Hold on, let’s see if I have one. There it is. Well.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Mr. P. What are you doing?

[Cut to Kissy and Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: I do not know. But hey, guess which cool teacher showed up at the senior Megan Campbell’s party on Saturday with some weed edibles. Between you and me, it was me. [Mr. Paul’s phone receives messages] Oh, there goes my phone. I am in big trouble. That’s strike three for old Mr. P.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Oh-oh. Well, we need to break for pledge of allegiance.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Yep, so don’t go anywhere.

Justin Purcell: But if you do go anywhere, go as friends. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.

[Ends with outro]