Send Something Normal

Halen Hardy… Miles Teller

Adam Levine… Mikey Day

Armie Hammer… James Austin Johnson

Neil deGrasse Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with people in game show set]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s easiest game show “Send Something Normal”.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Halen Hardy]

Halen Hardy: All right, America. Welcome to send something normal. I’m your host Halen Hardy. For those of you that don’t know, the game is very simple. We have four male celebrity contestants, and all they have to do is reply to a woman’s DM on Instagram in a way that is normal. And fellows, if you send a normal DM, you win $100 million. Again, the game is send a woman a normal DM and you win $100 million. Now, let’s meet our first contestant Adam Levine. Now we all know why you’re here, Adam.

Adam Levine: I was bad.

Halen Hardy: Yes, you were Adam. Next up coming to us all the way from his involuntary career change, Armie Hammer.

Armie Hammer: Yes. Yeah, hi. Can I get a big welcome back to Hollywood round of applause?

Halen Hardy: No, you may not. And next up, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Well. Thank you for having me. What a pleasure. Why am I here?

Halen Hardy: Well, Neil, you haven’t had a DM scandal yet, but hey, you never know.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh, please. In my circles, DM stands for divalent magnesium. [laughs alone] But I do suppose in our infinite alternative realities, anything’s possible.

Halen Hardy: And our final contestant, it’s SNL cast member, Bowen Yang.
Bowen Yang: Hello.

Halen Hardy: Now, Bowen is our returning champion. Last week, he racked up over $1.4 billion. Bowen, what do you attribute your success to?

Bowen Yang: Oh, being gay.

Halen Hardy: Makes sense to me. All right, Adam Levine. How are you going to respond to this woman’s DM? “Hey, Adam. Huge fan. Love your music.”

Adam Levine: Umm. Okay, tough call. Can I see her most liked vacation photo?

Halen Hardy: Seems like that couldn’t possibly help but sure. Gotta say Adam, don’t love that hand lotion.

Adam Levine: Okay, okay, I have my answer.

Halen Hardy: All right.

Adam Levine: All right. Gonna kick things off with a “Hoooly moly!”

Halen Hardy: Are you sure?

Adam Levine: Yeah. But I got three more though. “Hoooooly moooly”. “Holy crap”. “Your body is making my penis smile.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Sorry, Adam. You almost had it there.

Adam Levine: Oh, okay. I did?

Halen Hardy: No. Armie Hammer, it’s your turn to respond. Your messages. “Hey, Armie, hope you’re doing okay.”

Armie Hammer: All right, look, I know there’s been a lot of talk about me in the press. But I’ve done a lot of work on myself and I’ve changed. So I have my message.

Halen Hardy: What’s it going to be?

Armie Hammer: I want to break open your bones and suck out the marrow.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: All right. Let’s go to Neil. Your messages is “Hey, Neil. I love your podcast.”

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh my goodness. What a kind message. What a nice woman, deserves a well researched response. Please show me her most likes vacation photo.

Halen Hardy: You too Neil? Alright.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Um-hmm. Um-hmm. Okay. Alright, calculating.

Halen Hardy: Now Neil, let me help you out here. You will win if you just say thank you.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I have an alternate response. “Salutations. Perhaps if the stars do align, you would like to come over and peer into my telescope, metaphorically speaking.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Now Neil, are you asking that woman to look into your penis?

Neil deGrasse Tyson: [smiles] I suppose I was. Is that not normal?

Halen Hardy: No, no. All right, next up is Bowen Yang. Bowen, got a good feeling you’re gonna win this round.

Bowen Yang: Me too.

Halen Hardy: Your message is “Hey, Bo, I’m a huge fan. I would love to be your friend.”

Bowen Yang: Oh that’s so nice. Well this will be easy I’ll just say…

Halen Hardy: Just before you start, the message is from Dua Lipa.

Bowen Yang: Oh, no.

Halen Hardy: Got a response, Bowen?

Bowen Yang: “Hooooly mooly!” “Hoooly crap!” “Your music makes my penis smile.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Bowen, come on, man. Horrible. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break. But when we come back, we’ll see if any of these guys can just say nothing at all.

Adam Levine: I’ll give you a hint. I’m gonna say I might need to see that booty!

Rooftop Bar

Miles Teller

Mikey day

Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Tyler and Chodecork in a rooftop bar]

Tyler: Hell yeah, cloud bars hopping tonight.

Chodecork: Hell yeah. it’s gonna be a good night, dude.

Tyler: Damn right. Deserve it. I crushed work today.

Chodecork: Yes.

Tyler: God damn, I love day trading bro. I live for it.

Chodecork: Heard dude, I stand day trading bro.

Tyler: Yo, not gonna lie, girls in here tonight, decent. Lot of talent in the room this eve. Going to get my flirt on them, I squirt on, you feel me?

Chodecork: Yes, dude. Yo, lately I’ve been into like flat ass, flat chest, tiny teeth.

Tyler: Okay, yeah, not as much into the tiny teeth thing as much, but you know, I’m just looking for a cutie to make a mess with, you know? Yo, honey alert. Let’s close these two finies.

Chodecork: Oh, hell yeah. Charm never did no harm.

[Chloe and Ego walk in. They just sit beside Tyler and Chodecork. But now, Tyler and Chodecork aren’t able to speak a word.]

Chodecork: Getting drunk?

Chloe: Sorry?

Chodecork: [speaking weirdly] You guys getting drinks?

Chloe: Oh, drinks. Yeah.

Chodecork: Cool. Cool. [in ridiculous voice] Alcohol! [pokes her twice] Boop, boop. Sorry. Yeah, I love alcohol.

Tyler: [to Ego] I work in Finance.

Ego: Okay, cool. Excuse me, bartender.

5: Yeah, what do you need sweetie?

Ego: I can I get a Stella?

Tyler: Stella! Ha-ha.

Chloe: And can I get a vodka cran?

Chodecork: Ooh, cranberry. Oh-oh. UTI?

Chloe: Excuse me?

Chodecork: I don’t know. That was weird. [singing] Why am I talking like this? Put these fair maids drinks on mine tab, good miss.

Ego: You don’t have to do that.

Chodecork: Yes. With your finest top shelf liquor.

5: Okay, top shelf has a $90 up charge. That okay?

Chodecork: [high pitched voice] Oh, why so much? [deep voice] Why so serious? Batman. No, we chilling. Um, how much is the liquor three shelves down from the top?

5: All right. Let’s just do Stella. You gotta a tab?

Chodecork: Yeah, name is Nick Chodecork.

5: You got to speak up, hun.

Chodecork: Nick Chodecork. It’s a VMA debit.

5: Okay, Chodecork? Got it.

Tyler: So you guys are friends?

Chloe and Ego: Yeah.

Tyler: Black and white? Hell yeah. I’ll clap for that.

Chodecork: Yeah. So, let’s chat. Did you guys buy your clothes at a store or online?

Chloe: Store.

Ego: Store as well.

Tyler: We all like stores. Yeah.

Ego: I mean, it depends on which one. Is she almost back with the drinks?

Tyler: Depends on which one. Okay, very cool. You like some stores, you like other stores? You’re like, I don’t know. I don’t know. Might not go in there.

Chodecork: Yeah.

Chloe: I mean, yeah.

Tyler: Yeah, that’s interesting. Very, very cool. Stores, yeah. Whoo!

5: Chodecork, your card was declined.

Chodecork: Please run it again.

Tyler: What are y’all streaming? Y’all watch Stranger Things?

Ego: If you’re asking if I watch Stranger Things, then yes, I do.

Tyler: Yes. I’m running on back gear. [singing]

Chodecork: [pointing at Chloe’s breasts] Boobies. I’m sorry. [singing] Why did I do that?

Tyler: I work in Finance.

Ego: Yeah. You said that?

Tyler: Ha-ha-ha-ha. You guys would like come over to our apartment?

Ego: Wait, you’re roommates? You guys are like, 40.

Tyler: Yeah. Good one.

Chloe: Let’s just got to the patio bar. Nice talking.

Chodecork: Yeah.

Chloe and Ego: Bye.

Chodecork: Yeah. [Chloe and Ego leave] Yo, how did that happen, bro? Your game was on point.

Tyler: I know dude, right? Like I’m in a mad dry spell right now. No joke. It’s been 11 years since I did it. But like on purpose, you know?

Chodecork: Yeah. I mean, I’ve never done it. So I mean, I guess the last time was like, I’ve been waiting my whole life I guess. I don’t know. Should I just like give up?

Tyler: No. Let’s do a lap.

Chodecork: Yeah, most that.

ManningCast Cold Open

Peyton Manning… Miles Teller

Eli Manning… Andrew Dismukes

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Lawyer… Chloe Fineman

Kristi Noem… Heidi Gardner

Michael Longfellow

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Xi Jinping… Bowen Yang

Corn kid… Devon Walker

Shaun White

[Starts with intro of Monday Night football with Peyton & Eli] [cut to Peyton Manning and Eli Manning on split screen]

Peyton Manning: Hey everybody, I’m Peyton Manning. [cheers and applause]

Eli Manning: And I’m Eli Manning, his brother.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I think they know we’re brothers because the same last name.

Eli Manning: Oh, yeah.

Peyton Manning: Now this is our Manning Cast where we do live analysis of what’s already playing on TV. Normally we do it during Monday Night Football.

Eli Manning: Yeah, but tonight it’s not Monday. It’s Saturday.

Peyton Manning: Great insight, Eli.

Eli Manning: Yeah. So instead of football, we decided to check out the season premiere of SNL.

Peyton Manning: There are a lot of changes at the show, which couldn’t be exciting. Let’s see what they spent the entire summer coming up with.

Eli Manning: Okay, we got an establishing shot of Mar-a-Lago.

Peyton Manning: Oh, good Trump sketch. Way to mix it up.

[SNL sketch is being played at the right hand side of the screen]

Lawyer: Mr. President, as your lawyer, I don’t think we should be hiding during a hurricane.

Donald Trump: Actually, it’s the safest place I’ve been in two years. There’s no lawyers, no FBI. I’m in my happy place.

Eli Manning: Okay, not bad.

Lawyer: A few guests wanted to say hello, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Please call me current president.

Eli Manning: Why are guests visiting during a hurricane?

Peyton Manning: All right, now it looks like we got a rookie leading the senior cast member into the room. Probably go to run a simple “Right this way, ma’am.”

[Kristi Noem and Michael  walk into the office]

Michael : Right this way, ma’am.

Eli Manning: Telegraphed it.

Peyton Manning: Oh, and he doesn’t close the door behind them. Now, now he’s trying to fix it. The new guys fully panicking. He’s just staring at the camera.

Eli Manning: Oh god. And you know what? That might be the only time we see him tonight.

Peyton Manning: Let’s see what Heidi’s got. She’s never let me down.

Lawyer: Sir, the governor of South Dakota is here.

Kristi Noem: Hello, I’m Governor Kristi Noem and I [in funny Italian accent] want to take your abortion rights.

Peyton Manning: And she let me down.

Eli Manning: Okay. Timeout. What the hell was that?

Peyton Manning:  The governor of South Dakota, a political impression that no one asked for? What about fun impression like Anthony Fauci or Lindsey Graham or Rudy Giuliani?

Eli Manning: No, those are all Kate McKinnon.

Peyton Manning: Damn.

Kristi Noem: I also want to say Happy early Columbus Day, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, we love Columbus, don’t we? Sailed right up the edge of the world but landed in Haiti and got to work.

Peyton Manning: I got to point out where’s the balance politically? They’re making Trump Columbus jokes. Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s lost his damn marbles. They’re not even gonna mention that?

Eli Manning: Oh, hold that thought Don Jr. is coming in.

Donald Trump Jr. : [walks in with a lifejacket and an oars] Dad, I hate to cut the party short. But we should really get out of here. The President of China can only hold so many nuclear secrets.

Xi Jinping: [holding a nuclear book] Let’s just say I’m happier than when the Queen’s Corgis found out they weren’t going with Prince Andrew.

Peyton Manning: Okay, okay, that confused me. And did Bowen say Corgi? Does he not know it’s pronounced Cordy?

Eli Manning: Yeah, it’s a surprising fumble from the veteran Yang. He was supposed to take a step up this year, but you can tell the pressure is getting to him.

Peyton Manning: Meanwhile, looks like Sarah Sherman is just peeking in the window trying to watch the sketch.

Eli Manning: And now she’s realized she’s caught and tries to make a smooth exit. Wow. I mean, they’re all professionals. But so are the New York Jets.

Peyton Manning: This shows in the rebuild near for sure. Let’s take a look at the stats so far. 14 attempted jokes this episode only, one mild laugh and three chuckles.

Eli Manning: Yeah, and you know Peyton, I heard they stay up till Kristi Noemam writing this show.

Peyton Manning: When do they start writing the show? 4:30? Thank god they’ve got Kendrick Lamar, because that’s the only reason anyone is tuning in.

Eli Manning: Alright, let’s check back in on their little skit.

Donald Trump: Now President Xi, you’re not helping out Vladimir Putin are you? Because as Brandi told Monica, the boy is mine?

Xi Jinping: Hey, it is what it is. Am I right? It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Wait, wait, wait. Is he trying to make that a catchphrase? It is what it is?

Eli Manning: Oh god. Look, he’s saying it’s a camera now.

Xi Jinping: It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Desperate stuffs. Anyway, joining us now is a three time host of SNL during what now seems like a golden era. Jon Hamm. [Jon Hamm appears on the screen] John, what have you seen so far tonight?

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. But it’s not comedy. I mean, they haven’t even used Kenan yet. That’s like putting a whole team of Eli’s on the field. You’ve got Peyton sitting on the sidelines. No offence, Eli.

Eli Manning: Oh no, I agree.

Peyton Manning: And what about new cast? Anyone you’re excited about?

Jon Hamm: Well, I’ve been scouting Devon Walker at local bar shows for years and I think the kid’s really got something.

Peyton Manning: Well, here comes this chance.

Lawyer: Sir, the corn kid is here to see you.

[Corn kid walks in with a corn in his hands]

Corn kid: It’s corn. It’s got the juice.

Eli Manning: Oh hell no. Corn kid? Devin Walker’s first appearance on national TV and they got him doing corn kid?

Peyton Manning: Pity you.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, it could be worse. It looks like they got Molly and Marcelo doing the gritty.

Eli Manning: It’s a humiliating attempt of relevance.

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. Maybe this is strategic, like what a sports team takes to get a better draft pick next year.

Lawyer: And sir, this special master from the classified documents investigation is here. He finished reviewing your docket.

Shaun White: I’ve decided they’re all awesome.

Peyton Manning: Shaun White? That is just gratuitous stunt casting.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, you know, sometimes they need to bring in a real celebrity when the host isn’t that famous.

Peyton Manning: Right.

Jon Hamm: I mean, when they couldn’t get the star of the big summer movie or Tom Cruise or your Jon Hamm, they had to get the co star.

Peyton Manning: Well, I heard they rarely put the host in cold open, so when they do, it is special.

Jon Hamm:  Special or is it desperate?

Peyton Manning: All right. Thanks for stopping by Jon. I know Jon’s got to get out of here.

Jon Hamm: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna stick around and see what the hell this show is gonna be.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.


Birdie the Early Bird… Sarah Sherman

Ronald McDonald… Mikey Day

Hamburglar… Bowen Yang

Mayor McCheese… Kenan Thompson

Grimace… Miles Teller

[Starts with four characters from McDonald’s standing together in a jungle]

Birdie the Early Bird: Wow, it’s so great. McDonald’s is getting the gang back together for a new ad campaign.

Ronald McDonald: Totally. This is gonna be so fun. Hey, has anyone seen Grimace?

Hamburglar: No, but if I know him, he’s snarfing down a couple of free Game burgers.

[all laughing]

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, probably more than a couple, huh?

Grimace: Hi, everyone. [Grimace walked in all jacked up]

Ronald McDonald: What the—?

Grimace: Hey fellas, hello.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? Oh my god Did you—

Grimace: Lose 300 pounds this summer? Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: Man you You look incredible. I had no idea—

Grimace: I lost 300 pounds and got totally yoked up? Yeah.

Hamburglar: Okay, so then how did you—

Grimace: Drop 300 and get stacked to the heavens? Well, I started walking to work. Drink a lot of water and oh, I also stopped eating McDonald’s for every meal.

Ronald McDonald: Well, I’m happy for you. Paula must be thrilled.

Grimace: Oh, well yes, she’s happy for me. But yeah, we got divorced.

Birdie the Early Bird: Oh, no. You guys were so solid. What happened?

Grimace: Well, I got this new body and— Look, I hate to say it fellas, but I was swerving this summer.

Hamburglar: Swerving? What swerving?

Grimace: Cheating constantly on my wife.

Ronald McDonald: Cool. So look, maybe we shoot that commercial? Yeah?

Grimace: Absolutely, man. It’s your world. It’s been a long summer of self discovery. And I just want you to know, if you do the work and dig really deep, I promise you would find some surprises. Anyway, let’s do this brother. I’m excited.

Ronald McDonald: Okay, great. Everyone ready?

All: Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: And action.

[music playing]

Birdie the Early Bird: I wanna make double.

Hamburglar: I wanna steal your hamburgers.

Ronald McDonald: I want to give the whole world a happy meal.

Grimace: And I, well I’m a bisexual man.

Ronald McDonald: And cut! Cut.

Grimace: Wow, felt really good to say that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? You’re bisexual?

Grimace: Yeah, I like both. This summer I realized that. I was getting off a plane. And when I said bye to the flight attendants, one of them shook my hand and kissed it. And I realized I like both.

Hamburglar: Okay, congrats Grimace.

Grimace: And I’d like to say that I’m bi in commercial. It’s really important to me and I don’t even really eat McDonald’s anymore.

Ronald McDonald: Yeah, well, let me think about that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, if you’re happy, we’re happy.

Grimace: Happy? Yeah.

Grimace thinking: Am I happy? Yeah, I don’t know. I think I am happy.

Grimace: Guys, I have some pretty big news. I’m bisexual.

Birdie the Early Bird: Yeah, you said that already.

Grimace:  Well, it’s just liberating to let go of a secret but I guess you guys wouldn’t understand.

Mayor McCheese: Well, I got a secret.

Hamburglar: Oh my god, ham and cheese.

Ronald McDonald: I forgot you were there. You literally haven’t said a thing since we’ve been here.

Mayor McCheese: Well, the thing is, I ain’t always have a cheeseburger for head. See when I was a young man, I was actually a human prince. One day I went to McDonald’s. Outside on the street, man, was the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen. She looked busted. Shorty had bumps on her nose, asking me to buy her a burger. Anyway. Long story short, I threw a bunch of brand new burgers in the trash. Next thing you know, man, she zapped me. That’s how I got this cheeseburger head. Also, I’m bisexual. I like both.

Grimace: Hell, yeah.

Birdie the Early Bird and Hamburglar: We’re bi too.

Grimace: Ronald, how about you, haul? You bi?

Ronald McDonald: Sure I’m bi… buying a peloton, so I can start swerving like Grimace.

[cut to McDonald’s outro]

Male voice: Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, I’m lovin’ both.


Miles Teller

Mikey Day

[Starts with people doing their work in the bank.]

Ego: Hey, how are you today?

Male voice: I’m well.

Female voice: Perfect. You had it waiting for me.

[Miles and Mikey walk in. They look at each other, then pull out their handguns]

Miles: Everybody on the ground. [people start panicking]

Mikey: [walking towards teller] You, we need everything from the vault in the bag.

Miles: We always say no one else to get hurt.

Bowen: Oh my god.

[Heidi is trying to open the vault]

Mikey: Open the vault lady.

Heidi: I am going as fast as I can.

Mikey: Well, pick it up.

[The vault opens. Heidi gets inside the vault. Then there’s a phone beeping.]

Miles: What was that?

Bowen: I’m sorry, I’m not calling the police, I swear.

Miles: Slide it over now or we kill you.

Bowen: I want you but I can’t. Because it’s-

Mikey: What is it?

Bowen: It’s time to be real.

Miles: Time to be what?

Bowen: Time to be real.

Ego: Wait, it is?

Andrew: I just got the notification, it’s time to be real.

Mikey: Okay, everybody shut up.

Miles: Yeah. Or tell us what being real is.

Bowen: It’s amazing. It’s this app that blew up over the summer. It’s the only honest social media.

Miles: You think I’m an idiot? Honest social media doesn’t exist.

Bowen: You’re so cynical. I was too. But with Be Real, you can only post once a day when the app sends out a notification.

Ego: So everyone post a pic at the same time no matter where they are, or what they’re doing.

Miles: Oh, so there’s no postures.

Mikey: Stop engaging.

Miles: It’s not status oriented and that’s why it’s called Be  Real.

Bowen: Yes, sir. You’re getting it.

[Mikey shoots on the ceiling]

Mikey: Everybody needs to shut— [people start taking pictures of them being robbed] What are you guys doing?

Bowen: We all have two minutes to post. Quick, quick, pose, pose.

[Miles poses for the photo]

Miles: Wait, wait, wait. So is it a picture of you or me?

Bowen: That’s the other thing. It takes a front and back facing photo at the same time.

Miles: No, what? That is crazy.

Mikey: Do you guys like all work for Be Rea or something?

Andrew: No, we’re just so aligned with the mission of the platform.

Mikey: Okay. [Sarah is trying to move around] You don’t even think about it.

Ego: Where the hell is security? [The security are also taking pictures for the app] Come on, download it. You don’t want to post late.

Miles: What happens if we post late?

Andrew: It tells people.

Miles: No.

All: So then everyone knows that you being real wasn’t being real.

Miles: Okay. I downloaded it.

Mikey: Dude!

Miles: And I’m gonna be real…

Mikey: No!

Miles: About exactly what I’m doing.

Mikey: Don’t post this on social media.

Miles: No. [inspirational music playing on background] No more curation. I don’t care who knows what I’m doing right now. I’m gonna be real.

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Cut to pictures of Miles and Mikey in jail]

Male voice: Download Be Real today. Before a couple of months before it stops being fun.