The Price Is Right Celebrity Edition

Drew… Beck Bennett

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Ramal… Kenan Thompson

Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Marcia… Leslie Jones

Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat

Amanda… Miley Cyrus

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Derek… Pete Davidson

Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor

Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!

Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.

Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.

Amanda: You’re really cute.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.

Amanda: Do you have a brother?

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek

Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.

Derek: Are you okay?

Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.

Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.

[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]

Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.

Tony Bennett: What?

Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.

Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.

Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]

Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.

Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.

Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.

Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink] [Ramal takes a sip]

Ramal: Damn! $92,000!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.

Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.

Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.

Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.

Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]

Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.

Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.

Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.

Chris Hemsworth: Love it.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.

Derek: Already a bad start.

Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.

Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: The actual price is $600.

[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]

Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.

[Tony Bennett walks in]

Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?

Drew: Please don’t do this.

Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.

Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.

Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.

Drew: With more of the Price is Right.

The Millenials

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Miley Cyrus

Kenan Thompson

Jaden… Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: This fall, FOX presents a workplace drama unlike anything you’ve ever seen.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: It took 25 years of work and sacrifice to climb my way to top of this company. But finally, I’m here.

[Kate walks in. She is busy using her phone.]

Kate: [speaking without looking at Taran] Hi. I know you’re talking to yourself at the window. But I need promotion.

Taran: I’m sorry. What do you want?

Kate: A promotion. And I don’t want it. I deserve it.

Taran: W-w-why? How long have you even worked here?

Kate: Three full days.

Taran: I’m sorry. Who are you again?

[Kate is smiling and looking at the camera] [Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials.

[Cut to Taran and Kate]

Taran: I’m sorry. Let me get this straight. You worked here for three days and you expect a promotion?

Kate: Um, yeah! Nothing crazy like, maybe Director of communications, or executive creator or pictures.

Taran: Pictures?

Kate: Yeah. I know Photoshop. Now, I’m gonna take a nap. Where’s the nap room?

[Kate leaves] [Cut to Taran looking confused.] [Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials. A show that explores what no other dares to. Beautiful 20 something’s trying to find the success and love they’re entitled to.

[Cut to Pete and Miley in the office. Both of them are busy using their phones.]

Pete: Hey.

Miley: Hi.

Pete: I think you’re cute.

Miley: You do?

Pete: Yeah. I’m looking at picture of you and it’s really hot.

Miley: Oh, my god! You just fav-ed it? This is moving too fast. I mean I don’t even know how I identify.

Pete: Well, I identify as gay but I only sleep with women.

Miley: That’s very brave. I’m just gender lazy

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Oh, great! We’re talking about gender again.

[Cut to Miley and Kenan]

Miley: Oh, yeah! I’m so glad you’re here. I need to go south of France to get some perspective.

[Kenan is confused]

Kenan: So, you’re quitting?

Miley: No, I’m not a quitter. I just won’t be here at all. Dang!

Kenan: Well, we actually need you here to do your job.

Miley: [overreacting] Stop yelling at me. This is an assault.

[Cut to Pete, Miley and Kenan]

Pete: [shouting] Stop attacking her.

Miley: Ah!

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials. Variety’s Brian Lowry says, “I met the cast and they were even more irritating than the characters they play”.

[Cut to Kate, Pete, Miley and Jaden. Jaden is at the window with his one leg over the window. Kate, Pete and Miley are busy using phone.]

Miley: Jaden, don’t do it!

Kate: Get away from that window.

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: I can’t go on like this. I cant… even!

[Kate, Pete and Miley. They’re busy using phone and are not even looknig at Jaden]

Miley: No! Don’t!

[Cut to Taran and Kenan looking at the others.]

Kenan: Do it! Do it!

Taran: Just do it!

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: Don’t try to stop me. I’ve been planning this. I’m taking a break from social media. [Jaden takes his phone out and takes a selfie. Then he throws the phone out of the window.] [Cut to Kate, Pete and Miley]

Kate, Pete and Miley: No!

[Cut to Jaden]

Jaden: Oh, god! What have I done? I’ll be back in a second.

[Jaden jumps out of the window and falls] [Cut to Kate, Pete and Miley]

Kate, Pete and Miley: Oh, my god!

[they run towards the window and start taking pictures] [Cut to Kenan and Taran]

Taran: I hate these kids.

Kenan: Um-hmm!

[Cut to the show video bumper]

Male voice: The Millennials.

[The End]

Miley Cyrus monologue

Miley Cyrus

Rachel Dolezal… Venessa Bayer

Dentist… Taran Killam

Kim Davis… Aidy Bryant

Twerp… Kate McKinnon

Pizza rat… Kenan Thompson

Meek Mill… Michael Che

Drake appear… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Miley Cyrus.

[Miley Cyrus walks in and to the stage. She is wearing a dress with many colorful flowers on it.] [cheers and applause]

Miley Cyrus: Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. I love hosting this show because it’s live. So, my parents know where I am for at least 90 minutes. And although tonight, I am on a seven second delay, not a television delay, it’s just when you smoke as much as I do, you’re always on a seven second delay. And, while I’m excited to be here, I’m also kind of sad because it feels like the summer of 2015 has officially come to an end.[music playing] And with that in mind, I’d like to take a moment to say goodbye, to all of those who made this summer what it was. [someone hands over a mic to Miley Cyrus] And while we never thing of any of these people ever, ever again, they certainly did this summer their way.

[singing] And now, the end is near
I’m so afraid, the final curtain

[Rachel Dolezal ‘Claimed to be black for twenty years’ at right side]

my friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll take my case of which I am certain

[The dentist who killed Cecil the Lion at left side]

I believe life is full
I travel each and every highway

[Kim Davis appears at right side]

The more, slowing this
I did it my way
regrets, I’ve had a few
but then I get, too few to mention

[‘That twerp who raised the price of AIDS medication’ at the right side]

I did what I had to do
and saw it through without redemption

[Pizza rat appears at the right side]

I played each journey

[Meek Mill and Drake beef at left side]

and each and every step out of my way

[‘Lenny Cravitz’s Junk’ at right side. Kim Davis is walking behind him with her arms raised.]

and all of this, I did it my way
yes, there were times
I’m so, you knew,
we know how I bit on
more than I could chew
but through it all
I did it all

[Everybody comes to the stage]

Thank you. Thank you so much. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. I’m here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Katz’ Deli

Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Miley Cyrus

Ronda… Leslie Jones

Waiter… Jon Rudnitsky

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with women colleagues having meal at a restaurant]

Venessa: It’s so cool this place is right around the corner from the office.

Cecily: Yeah, I can’t believe this is the actual table where Meg Ryan had that famous fake orgasm scene.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Oh! ‘When Harry met Sally’ is my favorite movie.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I must have seen it 50 times.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I must have seen it 100 times.

[Cut to Ronda. She is bored.]

Ronda: Let’s talk about something else please.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: Guys, you know what would be fun?

Miley: Oh, I think where you’re going with this.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Me too. We order a big old plate of potato salad in Pig Out.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m gonna do the Meg Ryan part.

Miley: Oh, go ahead girl. I am sure people do it here all the time.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay. I’ll be Billy Crystal. Okay. [acting] Sally, no one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell. It’s pretty good.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!

Miley: Oh, my god! You are so crazy! I wanna try.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, okay. No one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell–

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know. You don’t have to do that every time.

[Cut to Miley]

Miley: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! [laughing] Actually what I do when I fake it.

Cecily: You had me convinced. Hey, you do it Ronda.

[Cut to Ronda shaking her head]

Ronda: No!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: It’s fun. Just do what you do when you have an orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Alright! Alright! Let me see. Let me see. Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah! [smiling] Yeah!

Miley: There you go, Ronda! You’re getting into it.

[Cut to everybody]

Ronda: Oh. [yelling] Oh, man! Oh god! This is good! [others are looking around embarrassed] You’re blowing my mind with the little pecker man! That thing sneaks up on your bro, hot dough! I mean you got it all, baby. Little pecker! [smiling] Good pumps. Faaan-tastic! Oh, no! [yelling] The condom busted! I can’t have a freaking baby! I’m a dancer!

[others are embarrassed]

That was fun. That was fun. Is that like they do it in the movie?

Miley: Not really. [Cut to Cecily and Miley] It’s more like a real orgasm.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Oh! Okay. I get it now. I get it.

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Are you ladies ready to order?

Ronda: Um, we actually need another minute.

[Waiter walks away]

Cecily: I could have ordered.

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Okay. Um, um.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Okay, we’re not doing that anymore. Honey, okay?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [closing eyes] Oh, yeah! [yelling] This feels so good, good, freaking!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Ronda!

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted through!

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Again?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: I can’t have your baby, Marco! You are my brother’s husband!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: What?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Don’t cry, Marco. If you cry, I’ll cry. You gotta stay with my brother, finish out the con. Hold on a minute, Marco. [yelling] Occupied! O-ccu-pied!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Miley: Wait! You’re in a bathroom?

[Cut to Ronda]

Ronda: Clean it later! We’re using it.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: So, that’s all happening while you’re orgasming?

[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in.]

Waiter: Right! Are you ladies ready to order yet?

Venessa: God, yes! Thank you. Okay, three turkey sandwiches and big old plate of potato salad?

[Cut to Ronda showing her thumbs up.] [Cut to everybody]

Waiter: Um, fun fact, did you know this is the actual table from ‘When Harry Met Sally’?

Miley: Yes. Yes. We did know that. Thankyou.

Ronda: Yeah. I liked the scene where she’s like, [Cut to Ronda] “Oh, yes! Yes! Give it to me Marco. What’s that Marco? You got a surprise for me? Well, where is it? Under the covers? I don’t see what the– [yelling] A dutch oven? Marco! Pulling the sheets over someone’s head and farting is sign of disrespect in this country. I got so much to teach you, Marco. [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted again! You’re little pecker is too sharp!”

[Cut to everybody. They’re all embarrassed.] [Cut to Kate sitting in another table staring at Ronda]

Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: She’s having a big old plate of potato salad.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, then definitely not. I’ll have a soup, hot!

[Cut to Cecily and Miley]

Cecily: I’m not the waiter.

[Cut to everybody]

Venessa: Let’s get out of here. I know a place that’s marvelous, baby! Perfect Billy Crystals.

[The End]

Hillary Clinton and Hillary Clinton

Beck Bennett

Miley Cyrus

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Bartender… Hillary Clinton

Taran Killam

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with a couple in a restaurant]

Beck: Did you see Trump on a rally this week?

Miley: Oh, love that guy. He just says whatever he wants.

Beck: Yeah. My tops are Trump and then black doctor.

Miley: I don’t know. I kind of like Carly Fiorina.

Beck: Yes, she’d make the best first female president. Don’t you think?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Cecily sitting on the bar booth listening to people talk]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, man! Why won’t the people just let me lead?

Cecily: You know what?

Hillary Clinton: Just give me the hammer and the nails and let me fix it all!

Cecily: Hillary, I think that you’ve heard enough in here. Let’s get out of here.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, you go ahead. I’m gonna have one more drink. Hey Bartender, keep on coming!

[Bartender pours a drink for Hillary Clinton] [cheers and applause]

Bartender: Rough night?

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, you could say that. Whoo! Hi! I’m Hillary Rodham Clinton.

[Hillary Clinton shakes hands with Bartender]

Bartender: Hey, great name. I’m Vale. So, Hillary, what brings you here tonight?

Hillary Clinton: Well, I needed to blow out some steam. I’ve had a hard couple of 22 years.

Bartender: Why? What do you do for a living?

Hillary Clinton: Well, first, I am a grandmother. And second, I am a human and trusted with this one green earth.

Bartender: Oh, I get it. You’re a politician.

Hillary Clinton: Yes! And how about you?

Bartender: Me? I’m just an ordinary citizen who believes the Keystone pipeline will destroy our environment.

Hillary Clinton: I agree with you there. It did take me a long time to decide that, but I am against it.

Bartender: You know, nothing wrong with taking your time. What’s important is getting it right.

Hillary Clinton: Yes. I’ll drink to that. God, I love scalding hot vodka.

Bartender: You know, I just realized, I never checked your ID.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] ID? Come on, please! I have a one year old granddaughter. She calls me madam president.

Bartender: I never would have guessed. You give up such a young cool vibe, you must work in Brooklyn.

Hillary Clinton: Yes! Somewhere in there. Yes!

[Taran comes in]

Taran: Hi, hi, Mrs. Clinton. I’m so sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say my sister’s gay. So, thank you for all you’ve done for gay marriage.

[Hillary Clinton shakes hands with Taran]

Hillary Clinton: Well, you’re welcome.

[Taran walks away]

Bartender: It really is great how long you’ve supported gay marriate.

Hillary Clinton: Yes. I could have supported it sooner.

Bartender: Well, you did pretty soon.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, could have been sooner.

Bartender: Fair point.

Hillary Clinton: Well, let us then tap our fists in friendship. Oh there, I’m just so darn bumped. All anyone wants to talk about is Donald Trump.

Bartender: Donald Trump? Isn’t he the one that’s like, [impersonating Donald Trump] “Uh, you’re all losers?”

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] That is him. That is him.

Bartender: I mean, do you think he will win the primaries?

Hillary Clinton: He must. I wanna be the one to take him down. I will destroy him and I will mount his hair in the Oval Office.

Bartender: Well, that’s kind of a lot. Maybe you should take a vacation.

Hillary Clinton: A va-cushion?

Bartender: a vacation.

Hillary Clinton: Va-can-change? What did you say?

Bartender: A vacation.

[Bill Clinton interrupts]

Bill Clinton: Did somebody say vacation?

[cheers and applause] [Bill Clinton looks at Hillary Clinton and Bartender]

Oh, my god! They’re multiplying!

[Bill Clinton runs away]

Hillary Clinton: Well, I guess I should get going. But, this has been so nice. You are really easy to talk to.

Bartender: Oh, thanks. You know, that’s a first time I’ve ever heard that.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, Vale, Vale, I wish you could be president.

Bartender: Yeah, me too.

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: You know what, Vale, [music playing] I’ve learnt something from you tonight.

[singing] Sometimes in our lives

we all have pain, we all have sorrow

Hillary Clinton and Bartender: But, if we are wise

we know that there’s always tomorrow

Hillary Clinton: Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
Cecily: Hillary! Hillary! What are you doing?

Hillary Clinton: Oh, I was just hanging out with my best friend Vale.

[Hillary Clinton looks around]

Well, where is she?

Cecily: Um, there’s nobody here. I think you’ve had one too many, Hillary. Let’s go.

Hillary Clinton: No. She was real, and smart, and really nice in person.

Cecily: Okay, Hillary. Whatever you say.

Hillary Clinton: Where is she? [looks down] Wait, what’s this?

[Hillary Clinton picks up a sandal from the floor]

I hard tan business shoe. I was right. She is real.

[Hillary Clinton starts dancing alone.]

Abilify for Candidates

Karan Santorum… Cecily Strong

Rick Santorum… Taran Killam

Janet Huckabee… Kate McKinnon

Mike Huckabee… Bobby Moynihan

Roxane Gilmore… Miley Cyrus

Jim Gilmore… Beck Bennett

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a couple walking in a rain under umbrella.]

Karan: Mental illness doesn’t run in our family. So, I never thought it could happen to someone I love. But then my husband started getting confused. [Cut to Karan telling the story] He’d say things that just didn’t make any sense. Things like…

[Cut to Rick Santorum giving speech. Karan is standing beside Rick Santorum]

Rick Santorum: And come next November, I Rick Santorum will be president of the United States.

[Cut to Karan Santorum acting nervous]

Karan: And he believed this. [Cut to Karan telling the story] That’s when I knew, he had dementia.

[Cut to Mike and Janet Huckabee enjoying their time.]

Janet Huckabee: My husband Mike Huckabee is to be my rock. And then one night last month, he got up in the middle of the night, start packing suit case. He wasn’t making any sense. He was muttering, “Kim’s in jail and I gotta get her out of jail. [Cut to Janet telling the story] And I’m gonna be in jail. And that’s gonna make me a president.” He didn’t even know what year it was or how the world worked.

[Cut to Jim and Roxane Gilmore enjoying their time.]

Roxane Gilmore: My husband Jim Gilmore is the love of my life. [Cut to Roxane telling the story] But lately he’s been having these episodes.

[Jim walks in]

Jim Gilmore: Honey, the Gallup poll has me up for 1.2 % in Iowa. White House, here wecome.

Roxane Gilmore: Yay! I cannot wait to be first lady.

[Jim leaves and Roxane looks at the camera]

Do you see? He is sick and he needs help.

[Cut to a doctor]

Doctor: Well, now there is help. Introducing  Abilify, for people who think they can be president. Once taken, Abilify destroys the damaged part of the brain that says, “I’ma be president.”

[Cut to Karan Santorum and Rick Santorum. Rick takes the pill after giving speech, then realizes what was happening.]

Leading to an almost immediate return to reality.

[Cut to Mike Huckabee taking pill during the live news, then leaving immediately]

It’s the only dementia medication prescribed for 11 specific people.

[Cut to Karan Santorum and Rick Santorum]

Rick Santorum: Before Abilify, I would go on national TV and say, “Here is how I would eradicate ISIS. [laughing] Me! It’s like, what?”

[Cut to Roxane Gilmore and Jim]

Jim Gilmore: Today in the news, they said Jim Gilmore dropped out of the race. And I thought, “Who’s Jim Gilmore?” Then I realized it was me. I was running for president. [laughing] [Cut to Janet and Mike Huckabee]

Mike Huckabee: One time during a debate, I cut Donald Trump off and I said, “No, you listen!” What was I thinking? That’s our future president!

Doctor: So ask your doctor about Abilify today, Bobby Jindal. Because not everyone, can be president.

Mike, Jim and Rick: And now we know. [laughing]

50s Homecoming Dance

Ditt Mayer… Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Jon Rudnitsky

Kyle Mooney

Lindy Paderson… Kate McKinnon

Vena Gaditchy… Cecily Strong

Lily Gilford… Miley Cyrus

Nasty Jack… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a board that says, “Homecoming dance tonight”.] [Cut to the homecoming party. People are dancing.]

Ditt Mayer: Hey, you guys wanna go drop cherry bombs in the toilets?

Taran: Hey, buzz off, Ditt Mayer!

Ditt Mayer: Ah! Your loss!

[Ditt leaves]

Jon: Wow, fellas! Look at all these girls, man!

Kyle: Get a load of Lindy Paderson.

[Cut to Lindy Paderson standing alone and smiling] [Cut to the boys]

Wow!

Taran: Now, look at Vena Gaditchy.

[Cut to Vena Gaditchy standing with her friends] [Cut to the boys]

She’s so bad. Uh-huh!

Jon: I got my people set on the new girl. Lily Gilford.

[Cut to Lily Gilford smiling] [Cut to the boys]

Oh! She’s out of this world.

Kyle: Well, gentlemen, what are we waiting for?

[Cut to everybody] [happy music playing] [singing] I need a girl who aces her classes

[Cut to Lindy coming in dancing]

Lindy: I need a guy, who would love my glasses

[Kyle and Lindy dance together]

Kyle: We both wear specs so it’s easy to see

Kyle and Lindy: That you’re the one for me.

[Kyle and Lindy dance away and Taran steps in]

Taran: I need a girl who feels good being bad

[Vena walk in singing]

Vena: You got a like. Shh! Don’t tell my dad.

Taran: Your pops won’t know about half the stuff we do

Taran and Vena: Coz I’m the one for you

[Taran and Vena dance away and Jon steps in]

Jon: I need a girl who will be true to me

[The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]

Lily: [rapping] I want to crush them all your rock

sprinkle on your jock at the parking lot, give you little glitter

eat it, smoke it like creator, sprinkles on my kushy cat

keep, keep my booty tap

What?

[music stops. Lily starts acting shy again.] [Cut Taran and Vena. They are speechless.]

Taran: Um, she’s from Montana, right?

Vena: I don’t think she’s been from Montana in a long time.

[the happy music playing] [Cut to Kyle and Lindy dancing]

Lindy: Before we kiss, I need to wear your pants

Kyle: All your’s.

[Cut to Taran and Vena dancing]

Vena: All I ride is the only car I ride in

Taran: Mustang!

[Cut to Jon and Lily] [The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]

Lily: [rapping] You wanna date me?

you gotta chill with my friend, his name is Nasty Jack

[Nasty Jack walks in]

Nasty Jack: I’m fulfilling!

Lily: We do everything together,

now just that Jack wants to have sex

Nasty Jack: Hell yeah! Can’t we?

Lily: And we’ll probably have sex with Nasty Jack too.

Nasty Jack: Oh! It’s gonna happen!

Lily: I watched him turn and eat gummy bears

and it’s her, you heard! So, uh!

Nasty Jack: So, we dating or what?

Jon: Wow, jeez! I don’t know if I wanna go all the way with you and Nasty Jack.

[Ditt runs in]

Ditt Mayer: Oh, cherry bomb!

[Ditt runs away] [Cut to Kyle and Lindy singing and dancing]

Kyle: Scoob, scoob, schooby-doo-dupap!

Lindy: Bam, bam, bapa-bapa-bapa-bapa

[Cut to Taran and Vena singing and dancing]

Taran: Tu-wa-pap-duba-daba-dipidi-doo

Vena: Boong, bang, rama-lama-bingidi-bong!

[Cut to Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack]

Jon: Shang-shang–

[Lily purs cream on Jon’s face and starts licking it]

Oh, my gosh!

Okay! Okay! Okay! Can we stop? Okay, time out! Alright?

Nasty Jack: Too late. We going steady now!

Lily: Come on!

Jon: Okay!

[Jon and Lily sit on a toy horse. Everyone else starts dancing.] [Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack leave]

Kate McKinnon Is Worried About Matt Damon | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Kate McKinnon

Miley Cyrus

Mark Ronson

[Starts with Matt, Kate, Miley, and Mark standing on the stage]

Matt Damon: Hi, I’m Matt Damon, and I’m hosting SNL with musical guests Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.

Kate McKinnon: Matt, what’s been your favorite part of the week so far?

Matt Damon: Oh, the parties for sure.

Miley Cyrus: Oh, yes, the cast parties.

Kate McKinnon: What parties?

Mark Ronson: Remember that goat last week? [Miley, Mark, and Matt laughing]

Miley Cyrus: [Miley, Mark, and Matt laughing]That was too much.

Matt Damon: Goat!

Kate McKinnon: What parties?

Matt Damon: So good.

[Cut]

Matt Damon: Hi, I’m Matt Damon, and I’m hosting SNL with musical guests Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.

Kate McKinnon: Mark. I’m such a big fan.

Mark Ronson: Thank you, Kate.

Kate McKinnon: Miley, you’re on fire.

Miley Cyrus: Back at you Kate.

Kate McKinnon: Matt, you doing okay?

[Matt Damon confused]

Matt Damon: What? Yeah. Come on. I’m fine.

Kate McKinnon: That’s good. [Kate gestures her head ‘No’]

Matt Damon: Fine.

SNL Host Matt Damon Goes All Out for Secret Santa | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Beck Bennett

Mark Ronson

Miley Cyrus

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of decorated Christmas tree][Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: And thus ended the great gift of 2004. [Cut to everybody sitting together] No, like I said, secret Santa [Cut to Matt Damon] is my favorite day of the year.

[Cut to everybody sitting together]

Beck Bennett: Me too.

Mark Ronson: All right.

Beck Bennett: Mark, you want to go first?

Mark Ronson: Yes, sure. Thanks. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] [Mark opens the box] Oh. It’s a turkey sandwich.

Beck Bennett: Yeah, remember that one time I was eating a turkey sandwich and you were like, [Cut to Beck Bennett] “Looks good”.

Mark Ronson: I think I remember. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] Yes, so you put it in the box and you gave it to me now.

[Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: That’s really, really weird Beck.

Beck Bennett: I don’t know. [Cut to Beck Bennett] I put my sandwich in a box.

Miley Cyrus: Okay, [Cut to Miley Cyrus] it’s my turn.

Matt Damon: Oh, well. [Cut to Matt Damon] The zig is up. [Cut to everybody] I got Miley this year. There you go.

Miley Cyrus: Thank you. [Cut to Miley Cyrus opening the box] [There’s diamond necklace inside the box] Oh, Matt. This is way too much. You said we were keeping it modest this year.

Matt Damon: [Cut to everybody] I know. I got carried away. [Cut to Matt Damon] I just love secret Santa.

Miley Cyrus: [Cut to Miley Cyrus] Thank you, so sweet. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] Better than a turkey sandwich.

Beck Bennett: Well, I mean it depends on who you are.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: All right, I believe it’s my turn. [Cut to Cecily and Matt] Who is it?

Cecily Strong: It’s me.

Matt Damon: I knew it’s you. I know it.

Cecily Strong: I didn’t make eye contact.

Matt Damon: No, you didn’t. I was like, “It’s her”.

[Matt Damon opens the box and finds a scarf in it]

Cecily Strong: I made it myself. The scarf obviously. I didn’t finish it but.

[Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: Oh!

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Why don’t you put it on?

Matt Damon: Yeah! No, I’m- I’m so hot. I’m afraid I’ll get like a rash or some kind.

Cecily Strong: Do you like it?

Matt Damon: Yeah!

Cecily Strong: Then put it on!

Matt Damon: I don’t want to.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: It will definitely look good.

Mark Ronson: You should do it.

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: This was your idea. Secret Santa. Come on.

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Put it on.

Matt Damon: It doesn’t exactly go with–

Cecily Strong: Put it on.

[Cut to Matt Damon putting on the scarf]

Miley Cyrus: Oh, that is nice. [Cut to Miley and Mark]

Mark Ronson: Beautiful.

Matt Damon: I kind of feel like [Cut to Matt Damon] you guys are applauding to make me feel better about it.

Miley Cyrus: It’s great.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Don’t ever say something like that.

Miley Cyrus: You should [Cut to Miley Cyrus] definitely wear that outside.

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Why? You don’t like it?

Matt Damon: I didn’t say that. You ruined my favorite day.

Cecily Strong: What’s that?

Matt Damon: Merry Christmas.