Secret Word Holiday Edition

Grand Choad… Kenan Thompson

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Elka Legerdi… Kate McKinnon

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Card Varks. But first, Secret Word.

[Cut to the show intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play the game the stars play, “Secret Word”. With your host, Grand Choad.

Grand Choad: Alright. Welcome once again to “Secret Word”. I am Grand Choad. Today’s show is sponsored by Secretary Wax. Shine up those legs before your boss gets in Secretary Wax. Our first guest is a regular on the show and is best known for the work on Broadway Stage. Please welcome Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in[

Mindy Elise Grayson: Merry Christmas. My gift to you is me.

Grand Choad: Alright. Hello, Mindy. You seem excited to be here today.

[Mindy Elise Grayson takes a seat beside Lauren]

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am, Grant. I need money.

Grand Choad: Ha-ha. Terrific. We’re very lucky to have our next celebrity who’s making a rare public appearance. Please welcome Austrian-American actress and part time recluse, Elka Legerdi.

[Elka Legerdi walks in. She’s wearing sunglasses.]

Elka Legerdi: So many light and people on camera, this is all too much to bear.

Grand Choad: Well, it is great to meet you, Elka. I loved you in “Unresponsive Woman”.

[Elka Legerdi takes a seat beside Andrew]

Elka Legerdi: Thank you. Show business is a demon that eats you from the inside out until there’s nothing left but tears and dust.

Grand Choad: Okay. And you are Austria’s leading comedic actress?

Elka Legerdi: That is correct.

Grand Choad: Alright. All of today’s secret words are Christmas themed. Mindy, your team is up first. Are you ready to play?

Mindy Elise Grayson: We are. Let’s do this.

Grand Choad: Alright. 15 seconds on the clock, please.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘wrap’.

Grand Choad: And remember, Mindy. Don’t say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I’m not going to, grant. I know what I’m doing. Right. How much time is left?

Grand Choad: Five seconds.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, well I better get to it. Let’s see. Wrap.

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I did. I am sorry. It’s the actress in me. I see letters and turn them into emotions. Just like I did in the play “Alls well that ends well”, a story of a blind girl who flips in to a well. Mama, where am I? The walls are wet. Who’s bucket is this? Mama! The New York times said, “Oh-oh!”

Grand Choad: Fantastic. Alright. Let’s go over to Elka’s team. Elka, are you going to give or receive?

Elka Legerdi: I have nothing left to give but if you ask, I will comply.

Grand Choad: It’s a very fun outlook. Let’s put 15 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is “Poinsettia”.

Elka Legerdi: I don’t know this word.

Andrew: Poinsettia?

[buzzer sound.]

Grand Choad: Just do another one.

Male voice: The secret word is “Ho ho ho”.

Elka Legerdi: Okay. This is hard in my accent but moo moo moo.

Andrew: I don’t understand.

Elka Legerdi: Moo moo moo.

Andrew: Yeah, I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! She’s saying “Ho ho ho.”

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy! Alright, Elka. You lost that point.

Elka Legerdi: What’s the point of anything?

Grand Choad: Okay. I wish there was a third team to go, but all we have is Mindy.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am ready to give again.

Lauren: When is it my turn?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ha-ha-ha. That’s exactly what I said at my very first Hollywood orgy. You have to network.

Grand Choad: Our next clue is a Christmas phrase. Let’s hear it.

Male voice: The secret phrase is “Trimming the tree”.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh. Maybe I’m screwed but I don’t know why anyone would want to do this to a tree. I mean if you wanted to practice but I think you just get splinters in your mouth.

Lauren: I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! I’m sorry. My thumb, on the screen was covering up the first ‘T’. It’s ‘Trimming’. Trimming the tree.

Grand Choad: Um, this is the Christmas show. It’s Christmas.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I understand. I’m sorry. I biffed it. Just like I biffed my entire performance in the broadway musical flop “Mumbai Suzie and the Vindiloo Crew”, the story of a poor teen who left her strict Indian parents to open a curry cart in the big city of Bombay. He’s the 11 o’clock number. Hit it.

[music playing] [singing] I’m moving out Mumbai, mom bye!
I’ll be home forGrand Choad Christmas dad bye, dad bye

Grand Choad: No. That is not okay. Not even for the time we’re supposed to be in. And it looks like it’s time for a commercial break.

Elka Legerdi: I had fun.

Grand Choad: Well, I’m glad. We’ll be right back after this.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi walk up front]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, watch us move it.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi start dancing]

Secret Word with Kristen Wiig

Grant Chaod… Kenan Thompson

Lyle Round… Bill Hader

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Isabella Lolacopolla… Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with GSN channel program schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Quiz Pigz, but first, Secret Word.

Announcer: it’s time to play the game the stars play. Secret Word, with your host Grant, Choad!

[Cut to Grant Chaod] [cheers and applause]

Grant Chaod: Welcome to Secret Word. I am Grant Choad. It’s such a thrill to be taking over as a new host of this show, and to be America’s first eve black game show host. I think it happened because I auditioned over the phone. Over the phone. For those of you who are missing the previous host, Lyle Round, he recently retired Palm Springs and sent us this pre-recorded message for his fans.

[Cut to picture of Lyle Round]

Lyle Round: I’m sorry I’m not there. I stopped wanting to be. Alright!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

Grant Chaod: Thank you, Lyle. Enjoy your retirement. Okay, why don’t we meet our celebrities? Our first guest is a regular on this show and is best known for a work on the broadway stage. Please welcome, Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson comes in dancing]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hello. Hello. When I’m not doing this, I’m waiting to do this.

Grant Chaod: Oh, Mindy. You look amazing as always.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Melissa]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Grant. I lubed my lips with margarine and I’m wearing scotch tape on my temples to hold my face up.

[Grant Chaod laughing]

Grant Chaod: Terrific. Well, we’re very lucky to have our next celebrity. She is the Italian star of such movies as ‘Il Bastardo’ and ‘La Vida Pizza’. Please welcome Italian bombshell,Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in]

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s so good to be here. Oh, my god, look. [Mindy Elise Grayson holds a puppy] Look, my little Bambino followed me out here. [to puppy] Why you no listen to me, hah? Go home. Go. You want more than I can give, baby. Come on. Go.

[The dog runs out]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Well, that chihuahua really loves you. I can’t say that I blame him.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, [slaps Grant Chaod] watch your mouth. I’m sorry baby, I love you, don’t be mad at me.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Oh, you’re an emotional jack in the box. Let’s begin the game. Mindy, are you ready?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, yes. Just let me do my vocal warm up. Tanya told the teacher that the preacher didn’t touch her. La, la, la. The preacher told the teacher that he simply couldn’t reach her. Let’s play.

Grant Chaod: 10 seconds on the clock, Mindy.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Branch’.

Mindy Elise Grayson: [thinking] Alright. Alright. Look at me. This one’s easy.

Grant Chaod: Remember Mindy, do not say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I think I’ve played this game enough to know the rules. I know. You’re new but I’ve got this covered. Branch.


Mindy Elise Grayson: Hah! She said the secret word, huh?

Bobby: Oh, okay. Just relax!

[Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, you, be a man.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, um, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, I did. I did. It’s the actress in me. I see a word and I bring it to life. Just like I did in the play “She Stoops to Concord: The Story of a Legless Grape Picker.” [acting] Mama! Mama! I picked all the grapes. Could someone throw me on the truck? Why didn’t you tell me I didn’t have legs?

The New York time said, “Bad!”

Grant Chaod: Alright. Let’s go over to Isabella’s team. Isabella, are you going to give or receive?

Mindy Elise Grayson: I will give until there’s nothing left to give.

Grant Chaod: Oh! Well, that will cook my spaghetti. 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Bird.’

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s Bird. [buzzer] Hey, what’s the matter with you, huh? I tell you what it is and you sit there like a donkey in the square.

Bobby: I’m sorry. Just please don’t hit me again.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! But I want to. [Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Isabella, you said the secret word. I can’t give you a point. Well, Mindy, I guess it’s your turn again.

Melissa: Maybe you should receive this time?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! The last time I received was after a drunken night with producer Darryl Zanuck. Yes. He made me cover my face with one of Elizabeth Taylor’s publicity photos. I just wish there had been eyeholes.

Grant Chaod: Yeah, we don’t need a story every time. Let’s put 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is Floral.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Alright. Um, this is a nice word. It’s what you give on a opening night.

Melissa: Champagne?

Mindy Elise Grayson: No. It’s what you give the director for casting you in the show.

Melissa: A card.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah, right. I didn’t wanna get graphic. It’s when you undo his tuxedo zipper and sing into his pink friend.

Grant Chaod: What?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh! Wait. I got some hand creme on the screen. it’s Floral, not oral. I did oral.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, you said the secret word again. And you also said “Pink friend”

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yeah. I know I did. I blew it, yes, I did. Just like I blew all my lines in the musical, “Saimese Sally and the Pad Thai Clan.” Here’s the 11 o’clock number, hit it.

[music playing] [singing] who’s hungry for spring rolls, Siam, Siam
who’s brining tom yums, Siam, Siam

Grant Chaod: Stop it! Stop that! We’ll be back after this message from our sponsor, Winston Baby Cigarettes. We’ll be right back.