Alan Dershowitz Argues for Trump Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Alan Dershowitz… Jon Lovitz

Devil… Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Chloe Fineman

Jeffrey EpsteinAdam Driver

Bowen Yang

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Mr. Peanut… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Mpffat

[Starts with a meeting in United States Capitol]

Mitch McConnell: Senator Collins, thank you for meeting me back in the chamber tonight.

[cheers and applause]

I wanted to see what you thought about the democrats kicks.

Susan Collins: Well, I was upset that Adam Schiff said republicans are afraid of standing up to the president coz if Trump ever tried to intimidate Susan Collins, I’d walk right up to him and say, [in soft voice] “You don’t do that, do you? I love you.”

Mitch McConnell: Um-hmm. We all know this impeachment proceeding is a sham and a hoax. Republicans are simply requesting a fair trial. No witnesses, no evidence! That way we can acquit president Trump and focus on the real criminals in this country, teenagers who try marijuana.

Susan Collins: Well, the evidence against Trump is pretty damning. So, I’m still on the fans. [wink her right eye]

Mitch McConnell: Hmm. Don’t worry. Our star defense attorney is presenting his case on Monday. He’s here right now to rehearse his arguments. Mr. Dershowitz! You wanna get in here?

[Alan Dershowitz walks in]

Alan Dershowitz: Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

[cheers and applause]

Jealous? Yes, hello everyone. It’s I, alan Dershowitz. Ah! It’s wonderful to be here coz I’m not welcome anywhere else. The line of haters out there for no good reason. But like I said to my client and my dear friend, Jeffrey Epstein, haters gonna hate.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah, um, Alan, I think you’re gonna wanna stay away from Epstein.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, right. Good point. Alright, let me try again then.

[Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins step aside and Alan Dershowitz stand behind the podium]

Now, members of this senate, president Trump is a lot like another client of mine, sir OJ Simpson.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Susan Collins: Could you not mention your previous clients and connection with the president? It’s not a great look.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, hey! It’s not a great look? It’s printed on my business cards.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Alan Dershowitz: Okay, okay. I digress. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! If I learned one thing from my time with accused wife murderer Claus von Bülow, it’s that appearances can be deceiving. Trump couldn’t possibly be guilty because– [putting his hand on his chest] Uh! Uh!

Mitch McConnell: Alan?

Susan Collins: Alan, are you okay?

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! My heart!

[Alan Dershowitz falls on podium and smokes appears everywhere] [Cut to hell. Devil has horns on her head and she is sitting on a chair. There are minions behind her with red tridents.]

Devil: Oh, my god! Sorry! Oh, my gosh! Look at that. [Alan Dershowitz walks in] Freaking Alan Dershowitz.

[Devil and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands and hug.]

Alan Dershowitz: Huh? I’m in hell?

Devil: No! I mean, yes, you are. Let me explain. You’re not going to hell. You’re not even dying. I’m just gonna send up back upstairs in a minute. Honestly, I just really wanted to meet you. I never said it, I’m a huge fan.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Thank you.

Devil: No, seriously. You are– you’re the GOAT! And I should know. That’s what my legs are made of. Here, I have a– [pointing to a rock] pull the rock!

[Alan Dershowitz pulls the rock and sits on it]

This is crazy. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to fan girl out so hard right now. Ay, you mind if I record this for my podcast?

Alan Dershowitz: You have a podcast?

Devil: Oh, yeah. I invented them. Minions, can you bring us the mics please?

[Minion brings in a mic on a mic stand.]

Thank you so much. Okay, here we go.

[starting the podcast]

Ay! What’s up guys? It’s your main squeeze the devil. Reminding you ironically to visit adamandeve.com for all your adult toys. And shout out to our other sponsors too. Like, Vaping! You’re never too young to start vaping. And of course, My Pillow. Not the Pillow, the guy. We’re here today with the Alan Dershowitz, so inspiring.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Satan, you’re making me blush.

Devil: Okay. But let me ask you something.

Alan Dershowitz: Fire away!

Devil: Okay. Careful now! How did you come up with this Trump defense? Coz years ago you said you don’t need a crime to impeach the president. And now you say you need something crime-like. I’m speechless.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah, yes sweetie.

Devil: And I gotta ask. Is there anyone you wouldn’t represent?

Alan Dershowitz: Well, as long as client is famous enough to get me on TV, it’s all good.

Devil: Yeah, yeah. Someone’s not famous, that’s a waste of time. I used to let nobodies into hell. But now it’s all influencers. Like in a fast pass. Fast pass straight to hell.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, okay. Like a fast pass, like in the Disney World?

Devil: Yeah, yeah. The folks at Disney tried out fast pass in hell before it went to Orlando. Frankly, a lot of stuff in Orlando started out right here in hell. Listen, I’m hogging all your time. A lot of friends started to stop by and see you.

[Jeffrey Epstein walks in]

Jeffrey Epstein: [clapping] Hey, hey!

[Cut to Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz] [Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands] [cheers and applause]

Alan Dershowitz: Look who it is. Jeffrey Epstein. Great to see you. What are you doing here?

Jeffrey Epstein: Ah! Just hanging.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, very nice.

Jeffrey Epstein: Well I gotta say, I love what you’ve been doing for the president. All we get down here if FOX news and it’s been a joy to see your work.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! I wish you could have been there in person.

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s too bad I was murdered!

Alan Dershowitz: Ha-ha! I know. Trust me. I know.

[Cut to everybody. Bowen walks in.]

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Totally, you guys are hillarious.

Alan Dershowitz: ‘m sorry. Who are you?
Jeffrey Epstein: He’s the– He’s the– Well, you tell him.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Um, yeah. I wrote Baby Shark.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! Genius.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Yeah, and that’s why I’m in hell, tu-tu-tu-tu. You know the rest. You know the rest.

[Flo walks in]

Flo: Did someone say hell?

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Flo from Progressive.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Yeah, yeah. She’s just visiting.

[Cut to Bowen and Flo

Flo: Yeah. I made a deal with a devil so I can be on TV forever!

[Mr. Peanut walks in]

Mr. Peanut: Man! I wish I had done that.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, that’s right. Planters just killed off Mr. Peanut.

Alan Dershowitz: And you ended up in hell?

[Cut to Mr. Peanut]

Mr. Peanut: Well, I took out a lot of first graders with peanut allergies. Plus I never wore pants.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein. Mitch McConnell walks in.]

Mitch McConnell: Speaking of no pants, you about done here Alan? We got a lot more work to do for Mr. Trump.

Alan Dershowitz: You’re in hell too, Mitch?

Mitch McConnell: No. I just come down and use it as a sauna. But I’ve made a lot of friends here and they give me great advice about how to run the senate.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Hey, hey. Did you do that thing with Mary Garland that I pitched you?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell and Alan Dershowitz]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it worked great. I meant to say thank you.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Oh, please! The smile on Mitch McConnell’s face is thanks enough.

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Aw! [laughing] [Alan Dershowitz loos at Mitch McConnell laughing and gets scared.]

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, well, thank you. It was very nice meeting you. And, I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this but I always suspected that you were a woman.

Devil: Yeah. I appear differently to different people.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, to me the devil is a woman my own age. Alright, we gotta skedaddle.

[Cut to Bowen, Flo and Mr. Peanut]

Bowen: Yeah, we’ve got a double’s tennis against Menendez brothers. Alright, bye guys!

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Bye, bye. Stay cool Alan!

[Jeffrey Epstein and Bowen leave]

Alan Dershowitz: Okay! See you later. Ah, the Menendez brothers. Ones that got away.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Devil]

Devil: Well, good luck Mr. Dershowitz. We’re gonna be watching the trial this week. So, make us proud. If we get our TVs fixed in time, that is. Where is out IT guy? Mark Zuckerberg!

[Cut to everybody. Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Almost done, boss! And I just want everyone to know that I don’t endorse evil. I just helped millions of people share it. Ha-ha-ha!

Devil: Wow. Even for me, that’s haunting. Alan you wanna do this with me, bud?

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, be on it.

[Everyone comes close]

Everobody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Impeachment Fantasy Cold Open

John Roberts… Mikey Day

Judge Mathis… Kenan Thompson

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon

John Bolton… Cecily Strong

Hunter Biden… Pete Davidson

Donald J. Trump… Alec Baldwin

Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat

Vinny… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: After a months of anticipation, the impeachment trial of President Trump wound up consisting of two weeks of dry debate and posturing and will conclude without any witness testimony or new evidence. For those hoping for more, here is… THE TRIAL YOU WISH HAD HAPPENED!

[Cut to John Roberts in his chair hitting the gavel]

John Roberts: Order! Order in the chamber.

[cheers and applause]

I am Chief Justice John Roberts and I will be overseeing these proceedings with complete dis-interest.

[Judge Mathis walks in]

Judge Mathis: The hell you will be.

John Roberts: Oh! Judge Mathis?

Judge Mathis: That’s right. This court needs a real judge who got some big brass ones under his skirt. Scoot!

John Roberts: Okay, do you want my gavel?

Judge Mathis: Fool! I brought my own. Watch out!

[John Roberts leaves. Judge Mathis sits on the chair.]

Now, we about to do this trial right. Where is that sneaky little Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell walking in the courtroom through the door]

Mitch McConnell: Yes. Hello, I’m a sneaky little Mitch your honor. And I just want to remind the American people that all men are innocent after proven guilty.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You mean, until proven guilty.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Ha-ha-ha. Sure.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright. Let’s get Trump’s defense out here. Where is Lindsey Graham?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham walking in the courtroom through the door]

Lindsey Graham: Thank you your honor. [walks straight to a podium] Now, I may be a simple country but I have studied this from top to bottom. And I don’t see any other option.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You studied the case?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: No. I studied my chances of getting reelected and it ain’t gonna happen unless I kiss Mr. Trump’s skirts and tickle his biscuits. And that’s why I do declare that Mr. Trump is innocent, or my name is not Lindsey Valery Bobragart Matlock Graham.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: So, you’re not worried about how this will go down in history?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: Look, where I come from, we have our own history books and all the cover of T-Rex is having a confederate flag to Jesus. Okay!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright. I am done with this nonsense. We are calling witnesses coz that’s how a damn trial works. John Bolton, get your ass in here!

[Cut to John Bolton walking in the courtroom through the door]

Judge Mathis: And Mr. Bolton, what do you have to say for yourself?

John Bolton: Your honor. The things I saw president Trump do inside made me deeply worried about the future of democracy.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And why are you only coming out with this now?

[Cut to John Bolton]

John Bolton: Coz I’m a messy bitch who loves drama.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Ooh! Now, this I like! Okay! Come on! Don’t leave me unread. Give me some of that hot tea. What else is in that book of your’s?

[Cut to John Bolton]

John Bolton: No, no! Sorry judge. No more free spoilers. But, you can preorder the book now. It’s called ‘Harry Potter and the room where it happened.

[Mitch McConnell stands up]

Mitch McConnell: Your honor, I object. If we’re hearing from John Bolton, we should hear from Hunter Biden too.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Oh, you know I’m calling Hunter Biden too. What do you think? I hate hilarious witnesses? The court calls Hunter Biden.

[Cut to Hunter Biden hoverboarding into the courtroom through the door] [Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Well, Hunter, thank you for coming.

Hunter Biden: Hey, you’re not gonna believe this but my schedule was wide open.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And how exactly are you mixed up in all of this?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: Um, I’m not. The president is just kind of pointing at me to distract from his own crimes.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And what’s your current job?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: Oh, I’m on the board of the Brazilian money laundering company called, um, Nepo-tismo.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: So, you admit you only got the job because of your father?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: That’s right. I’ve been selling Biden steaks for my office at the top of Biden tower and letting foreign leader stay. Oh, wait! No, that’s the president’s sons. You burn!

[John Bolton rotates on his hoverboard.] [Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Your honor, this is ridiculous. He clearly received money in exchange for political influence. Which reminds me,… [music playing] [advertising COAL] Coal, beautiful, clean, the way of the future. This one lump of coal can power a light bulb for almost two minutes.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: And I’d like to do a quick one for guns. [advertising GUNS] Guns, you can’t watch a Super Bowl without a gun.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright, there will be no more ads in my courtroom.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Then, your honor, I would like to call three more lawyers on behalf of President Trump.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You, shut up. In this version of the trial, Trump is defending himself. The court calls Donald J. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the courtroom with the help of mobility walker] [Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, now, what is happening here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Your honor, I’m a very sick old man. How could I withhold aid from the Ukraine? I can barely get around the house.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: President Trump, are you trying to weinstein me right now?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: In which sense? Because Harvey and I overlap in a few areas.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Mr. President, what is your defense?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: My defense is very simple, your honor. I’m guilty but it ain’t nothing!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, that’s a warning. Do the democrats have a response? Adam Schiff?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Mr. Schiff, are you crying?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: No. It’s just my gecko eyes have been wide open for 86 straight hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There he goes Schifty Schiff, two shifts to the wind. She shifts, sea Schiff, by the Schifi-gy! I’m sorry. I just had one of my favorite mini-strokes.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, I’m sorry. I’m not having it with the Schiff. I need a real lawyer. Who is around? Where is my cousin Vinny at?

[Cut to Vinny walking in the courtroom. He’s wearing leather jacket and a gold chain.]

Vinny: Hey, your honor. I object to this entire line of questioning!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You object?

[Cut to Vinny]

Vinny: That’s right. You see, There’s no way this guy Trump only met with two yukes.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Um, two what? Did you just say yukes?

[Cut to Vinny]

Vinny: Yeah, two yukes, you know? Two Ukrainians!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: That is too dumb even for this, my cousin Vinny. You can leave. Thank you. President Trump, would you like to make a closing statement?

[Cut to Donald Trump. He’s wearing an enormous afro-hair wig.]

Donald Trump: I would, your honor.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Take that Phil Spector wig off.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I actually thought it was an improvement, but fine! Ladies and gentlemen of this government place, what I’ve learned from this trial is that clearly nothing I do or say has any consequence, so I’d like to come clean about everything. The call with the Ukraine wasn’t perfect. It was illegal. And frankly it was a but dial. Also, I watch CNN all the time and it’s awesome. I hate the following states: Iowa, Michigan, Pennsylvanya, Arkansas and West-Virginia. West-Carolina, I’m sorry. I cheat all the time at golf, taxes, wives, elections and bathroom scandals. I’m not 239 pounds. I’m 475 pounds. And I don’t really need this walker either, although it helps me be lazier which I like. What else? Oh, I cut the funding to the CDC so this Wang Chung virus is really gonna be bad. But this trial has been incredible because I now have a best friend. Mitch McConnell, get in here Mitch!

[Mitch McConnell walks in]

He’s a ride or die bitch. And we’re gonna be linked forever, right Mitch?

[music playing]

Mitch McConnell: [singing] What have I done?

Who am I now?

Have I just thrown away all of my dignity

Am I a clown?

[John Bolton and Lindsey Graham walk in]

John Bolton and Lindsey Graham: [singing] That’s insulting to clowns!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright, [hits his gavel twice] Judge Mathis finds the defendant guilty on all charges. He is fined $10,000 and I’m forcing him to say one nice thing about Nancy Palosi.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Fine! Her body is an eight!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: I’ll take it. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!