Meet the Press Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 20

Chuck Todd… Kyle Mooney

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Meet the Press intro] [Cut to Chuck Todd in his set]

Chuck Todd: Hello, I’m Chuck Todd, and welcome to Meet the Press. [Cheers and applause] I hope you like my bangs. Something new I’m trying for the summer. With me today is the senate majority leader Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Overjoyed to be here.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator from Maine Susan Collins.

[Cut to Susan Collins]

Susan Collins: I’m here, and I have a lot to say. Unless someone else wants to speak.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: And Senate Judiciary Chariman and the GOP’s latest badboy, Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsay Graham: I’m sorry, kids out there. But it is an f-ing honor, Chuck.

[Cut to everybody]

Chuck Todd: Okay. This week President Trump has escalated his trade war with China. It’s estimated that this will coast the country $1.4 trillion in market value. Now, you all have opposed tariffs in the past. Do you all support the president’s Tariffs now some.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Well, Chuck, there’s a simple answer to that. There was no collusion.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Okay, but I’m asking you about China.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Yeah-huh. Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Let’s try Lindsey Graham. After opposing Tariffs for decades, why do you suddenly support them from president Trump?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham:  Chuck, listen. When you have a president who’s a financial genius and business Jesus like Donald Trump, you’ve just got to trust him. This man has lost 100 times more money than I’ve ever made.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: You’ve done a complete 180 on the president, even after calling him a jackass during the campaign?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Chuck, listen, I am a man of convictions and principles. Unless he can help me. And then it’s new Lindsey, who dis?

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator Collins, how does it make you feel to see the president just unilaterally doing what he wants?

[Cut to Susan]

Mitch McConnell: Chuck, I’ll be the first to admit that some of the things this administration is doing makes me want to shake my head vigorously and wag my finger once. Perhaps twice.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Which brings to us this week’s topic. What would it take for president Trump to lost your support? I’m going to give you guys some hypothetical scenarios and you tell me if any of them would be enough for the president to lose your support.

[Cut to Susan]

Mitch McConnell: Well, you just bring it on, Chuck, because if you think Susan Collins is a pushover, well, then you’ve got another–

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: All right, scenario one. Robert Mueller testifies before congress and says he believes Trump committed obstruction of justice. Do you still support him?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Well, we need a leader that’s willing to do what he’s got to do to win.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham:  That’s absolutely right. See, the best way to uphold the law is to be above it, Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if he says Trump colluded with the Russians?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Well, I’d have to write a strongly worded email and send it straight to my draft folder.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Next hypothetical. What if the president admits that he’s not as religious as he claims?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Ha-ha. Well, if you don’t already know that, that’s kind of on you, Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: He’s not even Christian. He’s Jewish.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Even better, that’s great for Isreal.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: You know, I can think of another great man who was Jewish. Jesus Christ–

[Cut to everybody]

Susan Collins: [Interrupting] Sammy Davis Jr. What if you found out president Trump was a Muslim?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: A Muslim? Oh, just the thought of that makes me want to stress eat. [Takes a vegetable leaf out and takes a bite of it] [Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Okay. You listen, you wait just a minute, Chuck. What kind of Muslim are we talking about? Are we talking about like Dr. OZ?

[Cut to Chuck and Lindsey]

Chuck Todd:  I mean like Louis Farrakhan.

Lindsay Graham: But, do we still get those tax cuts?

Chuck Todd: You do.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Okay. Well, then I guess it’s Salam Aleikhem brother president.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Okay, next scenario. What if Donald Trump divorced his wife Melania?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Love can be a tricky thing.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: And he leaves her for Stormy Daniels.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Well, that would actually make more sense because that’s a hot girl.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: How about Kathy Griffin?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: A Kooky redhead? I get it.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if he leaves her for Alexandria Ocasio Cortez?

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, no.

Lindsay Graham: That fool!

Susan Collins: That’s – No.

Chuck Todd: And he also pledges to love, honor and enact her green new deal.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Now, that just crosses the line. There are some things you can’t forget.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: So he would lose your support?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: He would not.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: I would show up to the wedding but not before I mumbled a strong rebuke quietly into my lean cuisine.

Chuck Todd: Okay, what if the president gave you’re your personal cell phone number to thousands of strangers who then harassed you and sent death threats causing you to get rid of your phone?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Well, Chuck, I do have to disqualify myself because back in 2015 the president actually did that to me.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Yeah, I know. I was just seeing if you remember. Okay. Let’s say Trump open hand slaps you in the face. What would you say then?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Hareder, daddy.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator Collins, you support Roe V. Wade.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Yes, I sure do. Yeah. \

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if the president declared that life begins not at conception but at erection?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Oh, please. I have been a vocal champion of women’s rights for over 30 years. That would be the most outrageous, ridiculous thing that I’d ever—I’m definitely voting for it.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: So, there’s absolutely nothing president Trump could do to lose you support?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: No, no. I wouldn’t say that. Let’s say hypothetically, he got gay married.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Yeah. To the leader of ISIS.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: And they had matching diapers fashioned out of the original constitution.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: That may be—who are we kidding? We’ll always be ride or die bitches.

[Cut to everybody]

Chuck Todd: I guess there’s nothing left to say but—Together: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Deal or No Deal Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 10

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

President Trump… Alec

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Melissa Villaseñor

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Steve King… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Starts with intro of Deal or No Deal]

Narrator: And now it’s time for “Deal or No Deal”. Government shut down edition. With your host, Howie Mandell!

[Cut to the host on the stage. The host turns around. He is Steve Harvey, not Howie Mandell]

Steve Harvey: Sorry about that, players. I’m sorry. It’s me, Steve Harvey. Howie’s out sick. He’s a germophobe. But yesterday I was like, “Come on, Howie, shake one person’s hand”, and he shook it. Two hours later, Ebola. I’m sorry, you were right Howie. Alright now, our government has been shut down for like a month. I spent two hours yesterday at TSA yesterday in Atlanta. They thought I was smuggling extra teeth in my mouth. Let’s bring out the guy who said he would own the shut down. He’s the president, and we’ve both got neck ties long enough that would get caught in a roomba. Please welcome Donald Trump!

[Cut to the stage. Steve Harvey is standing and Donald Trump walks in] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks Steve, tremendous to be here. Just tremendous.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, earlier today you went on the TV and you told the American people that you want to make a deal.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, so we decided to do this in the only format that you can understand, a TV game show with women holding briefcases. Alright, [Cut to Donald Trump] now in your briefcase here, you’ve the deal that congress offered you in December.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: And I said no deal. [Donald closes the button] [Ring] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. Nobody’s excited about that player. What was your counter offer today?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I want $5 billion for my border wall, and in exchange I’ll extend DACA, and I’ll release the kids from cages so they can be free-range kids.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Well, let’s see the members of congress that are willing to offer you a new deal so this nonsense can go away.

[Cut to people with briefcases standing in two rows]

Alright, [Cut to Steve and Donald] what do say, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Five.

Steve Harvey: You want to open briefcase number five?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, I’m saying a lot of these women are fives.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: On the day of the women’s march.

Donald Trump: Okay, [Cut to Donald Trump] then I choose case number three. Fancy Nancy Paloser. I’m still working on the nickname.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: That’s a great start player. Okay, speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi. Nancy, how are you feeling tonight?

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Just normal. Not like drunk on my own power or anything. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now you rejected the president’s offer this afternoon.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Well, I’m afraid I did which is a real shame because I hate saying no to you, Mr. Trump. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. I’m scared. Let’s see what’s in the briefcase, Nancy.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Okay. [Nancy opens the briefcase] $1 billion, and you say Nancy is mommy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, $1 billion for border security. That’s a lot of money.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, but it’s not $5 billion, and I need $5 billion because that’s the first random number I said. [Cut to Steve and Donald] No deal. [Donald closes the button] [Nancy walks to Donald on stage]

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no. [Cut to Nancy and Donald] We’re still fighting Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: My god, you almost gave me a heart attack.

Nancy Palosi: I’m sorry, Mr. President. If the government’s shutdown you can’t do the state of the union. It’s for security reasons, not because I’m vindictive or anything.

Donald Trump: I can’t do the State of the Union. Then guess what? You’re not flying to Afghanistan.

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no! I can’t go on my vacation to a war zone? What will I do?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Boy, this is like watching two grandparents fighting over the thermostat. Alright Nancy, you had your chance. Donny, let’s pick another one please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’ll take that older Jewish woman on case four.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer holding his briefcase]

Chuck Schumer: Oh, that’s okay. I’m very happy for any attention.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay Chuck, show what is your offer?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: Okay, my offer is, [Chuck opens the briefcase] whatever you want.

[Nancy walks to Chuck]

Nancy Palosi: Chuck, we’re not going that anymore. Remember we’re not caving like that.

Chuck Schumer: Oh right, yeah, [Nancy leaves] projecting strength. Okay. Let me put on my fiery red cheetas. Okay, my new offer is $15 and a pastrami on RYE.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay, “Deal or No Deal”, Mr. President. And remember, every time you choose no deal, a half a million federal employees work another day without getting paid.

Donald Trump: Cool story bro. No deal. [Donald closes the button] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man. Well, speaking of getting paid, I need to thank our sponsors tonight.

[Cut to a picture of Green Beef]

Green Beef. Yeah, shouldn’t be green, but ain’t nobody at the FDA there to inspect it.

[Cut to picture of an old lady swimming in an ocean with a tube]

And also, Old Lady in Inner Tube Way Out in the Ocean. Getting the coast guard will be back soon. Hang in there Beth.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Alright, let’s pick again player.

Donald Trump: I sure will, player.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, hey, it don’t work both ways. I ain’t Kanye.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I will go with case nine, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s playboy Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell trying to hide behind his briefcase]

No Mitch, you can’t just disappear in the middle of this. Come on now. Poke your head back out your shell. We got a nice little juicy piece of lettuce for you. [Cut to Steve Harvey] Well, he ain’t going to be much help Mr. President. But I have to ask, who are you playing for tonight?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’m playing for a little charity called Habitat for Hannity. [Cut to picture of Sean Hannity] It helps Sean Hannity build a second beach house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man, let’s just pick another number.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let’s go with five, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Okay. [Cut to Maxine Waters holding her briefcase] That’s congress woman Maxine Waters.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: As I’ve said many times before, Maxine is a very low IQ person.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Uh-huh. Well, just a reminder I can now subpoena your tax returns whenever I want.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Like I said, she’s a genius, beautiful, a true missionary.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Yeah, that’s what I thought mother.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, why don’t you choose again?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s on case 8? Is that Cardi B?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez holding her briefcase]

Steve Harvey: Um, no player. That’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: That’s okay. Trump and the GOP are just terrified of me because I’m under 100 and I know how to use Instagram. I mean just look at Mitch McConnell, he is already “Bird Boxing”.

[Cut to Mitch McConnel blindfolded]

Mitch McConnel : I can hear the girl. Stay away.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just open three cases real quick and get this over with? Cory Booker?

[Cut to Cory Booker. He opens his briefcase. It’s written “Booker 2020”]

Cory Booker: Booker 2020.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, my god, not another one. Congressman Steve King from Iowa.

[Cut to Steve King. He opens the briefcase. It’s written “Whites”]

Steve King: Whites.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, at least the guy is consistent. Alright, wait a second. This time it is Cardi B.

[Cut to Cardi B holding her briefcase]

Cardi B:  This ain’t my business, but [Cardi B opens her briefcase] sh-money.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, you know what? This government going to be shut down for like a year. Let’s take a quick break.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, wait. I want to open the case from the Clemson football player.

[Cut to Pete wearing Clemson jersey and holding a crave case]

Steve Harvey: Okay. That’s not a briefcase. That’s a crave case from white castle.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’d still like to have them opened Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Okay fine. Open the case please.

[Cut to Pete . He opens the crave case]

Pete Davidson: Hamberders.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: Oh, Steve. I haven’t eaten a hamburger in almost 15 minutes. I’m going to make that deal. [Donald hits the deal button]

Steve Harvey: What? You are ending the shut down for a hamburger? Well I guess that makes as much [Pete walks to the stage and hands over the base to Donald Trump] sense as anyone going on these days–

Steve, Donald and Pete: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!