Beating Wrestling Champion

Will… Jon Rudnitsky

Ricky Manns… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Jonah Hill

Sasheer Zamata

Stacey Epstein… Kate McKinnon

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

Samantha Powell… Cecily Strong

Tyler Stevens… Taran Killam

Fellepe Ramirez… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five friends pulling over their car. They’re all wearing same sports outfit.]

Will: Good match, Nate Nate.

Ricky: Way to go, Nate. You’re the man.

Nate: You didn’t do too bad yourself Will.

Sasheer: You’re amazing.

Will and Ricky: Tigers forever!

[Nate gets out of the car and walks to his house]

Stacey: Hey Nate, wait up. [Stacey runs towards Nate] We’re gonna have some beers behind the Gazibu at depo park later if you wanna come.

Nate: Yeah, I don’t know if coach wants me drinking tonight.

Stacey: You defeated Tyler Stevens of Great Oak. He was undefeated. And you beat him. You sure you don’t wanna celebrate?

Nate: It’s not about whether I won or lost. It’s that I gave everything I am to my team.

Stacey: You’re a hero, Nate.

Nate: Tigers forever.

Stacey: Tigers forever. Bye.

[Nate turns away and his friends drive away] [Nate walks in his house.]

Nate: Hey, mom.

Mom: How was your day, sweetheart?

Nate: It was great.

Mom: Why don’t you sit down with your dad and watch some TV.

[Nate sits with his father.]

Dad: Tigers forever.

Nate: Tigers forever, dad.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Good evening, I’m Samantha Powell. Tonight’s top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity. As undefeated high school Wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.

[Nate’s picture appears on the news]

Nate: What?

[Cut to Tyler Stevens on TV]

Tyler Stevens: You should have seen the smile on his face. I mean, you like, actually believed it. It feels good.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Stacey and Ricky on TV]

Stacey: Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucks so hard.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s why the whole community came together to pretend he won.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What? This is insane. They didn’t let me win.

[Cut to Tyler Stevens]

Tyler Stevens: What I meant to do was sort of let him have a come from behind sort of movie style victory. But when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad and I just had to let him pin me right away.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: I don’t smell. I don’t smell.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez, high school janitor on TV]

Fellepe: I’m glad he got to win. Coz he has so many problems. And when I clean the bathroom, I always find his pants in the trash. He never makes in to toilet.

[Cut to Dad looking at Nate]

Number one, he no make it. Number two, he no make it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why would they interview Mr. Ramirez.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez on TV]

Fellepe: He keep a packet in his locker all year. I said, “Nate, you got to throw out the packet.” He said, “Ain’t this a packet. it’s my girlfriend.” I pick it up, little hole in it. Very little hole.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What is going on?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: You won the big match, son.

Dad: Yeah. You beat Tyler Stevens.

[Cut to all]

Nate: They’re saying they let me win. It’s a top story.

Mom: I know. And that’s nuts because the neighbors were murdered tonight.

[Cut to police locking the neighbor house as a crime scene.]

Dad: The policemen are sitting like, for 20 years.

[Cut to all]

Mom: Yeah. And a celebrity did it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Who?

Dad: Eric McCormack from ‘Will & Grace’.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Breaking news, I’m being told we have another interview with the janitor at the Westfield High.

Nate: Come on!

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez]

Fellepe: He tell me I his best friend. I no his friend. I groove.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why is Mr. Ramirez getting so much air time?

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: An inspiring story. A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day. And hey, Nate, if you’re out there, I hope to god you’re not watching this. And Eric McCormack is back on the news. And get this, it’s twins… that he murdered. The oldest living twins.

[The End]

Movie Night

Mom…Melissa McCarthy

Tommy…Pete Davidson

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mom bringing snacks for Tommy and Dad who are watching TV]

Mom: Okay. And let them eat snacks.

Tommy: Mom, you rock.

Mom: Oh, gosh! When did Hamilton look so young? When is this?

Dad: It’s the very first Terminator from 84. It’s a classic.

Tommy: Yeah, you know, we haven’t had a movie night in forever. This is nice.

[Girl moaning sound from the TV]

Tommy thinking: Oh, no! There’s a sex scene in Terminator? I don’t remember this. Now I have to watch sex with my parents? This is so awkward. I need to ease the tension in here. I have to say something that will lighten things up. Right now!

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: So, when was the last time you guys did that?

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! That was the worst possible thing I could have said. Everyone was pretending it didn’t even happen. I need to say something else.

Tommy: Wah! She’s getting railed.

Tommy thinking: Oh, why would I say that? I should say something sweet now.

Tommy: I love you guys so much.

Dad: Ah, okay kid.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Aw, that’s very sweet of you.

Mom thinking: Oh boy! I wish my hand wasn’t so rubbing Tommy’s thigh during this intercourse scene. I’ll have to remove my hand to shuttle in. It’d affect Tommy sexual confiden– Oh, you know what? I got it!

[Mom claps around and looks at her palm]

Yep! Nice one, Patty!

Dad thinking: Oh boy. I need to break the tension with a witty comment about what we’re watching. Think, Jim!

Dad: You know, she has very dark nipples for a white girl.

Dad thinking: Ha-ha-ha. Nailed it!

Tommy thinking: I gotta take a quick timeout from this or I will literally die.

[Tommy stands]

Tommy: So I’m gonna grab a snack real quick.

Dad: Oh, you want us to pause it?

Tommy: Umm….. yeah.

Tommy thinking: No! Why would you tell them to pause it?

[Tommy walks away]

Mom thinking: Boy, that is a dark nipple. Nipple is a weird word. Nipple. Nipple. Nipple.

Dad thinking: We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Can’t get that thing out my head. We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Ha-ha. Genius.

[Tommy walks in] [girl moaning sound] [Mom is looking at what Tommy is eating]

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! I was so out of my head with the pause thing, I just opened a pantry and grabbed the package of dry Rigatoni pasta. And now I’m eating it. This hurts. Really bad.

Mom thinking: I wish these two actors would have discussed wearing a condom before start making love. I hope Tommy doesn’t think that’s okay. I should say something. Just something casual, cool. Something pro-safe sex.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Boy, rubbers are red, huh?

Mom thinking: Oh boy. I wish I hadn’t started rubbing his thigh again when I brought up the rubbers. Pity!

Dad thinking: That was weird. Poor kid. Probably dying inside. I’ma help him out.

[girl moaning sound]

Dad: You know, there’s a sex scene in Wild Things that’s way worse than this. It’s a crazy three way. It’s a topless Denise Richards in her prime. Scene starts at like 38:10. You should check it out.

Dad thinking: Boy, they’re gonna know I have a Mr. Skin account.

Tommy thinking: Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I gotta make some kind of witty statement so we could forget how uncomfortable this has been.

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: This guy is lasting so long. You know, I bet he’s thinking of baseball or this parents so he lasts, you know? Not that I would think of you guys during sex. That’s gross. I mean, you know– but you are not gross. You know, you guys were hot back in the day. If I was back to the future and I time traveled to when you were in high school, I’d totally hook up with you mom. [yelling] Ew! What am I saying? I hate the Terminator. I’m a virgin by the way. Okay, see you guys!

[Tommy stands and walks away] [girl moaning sound]

Mom: She really is getting railed.

Dad: Yeah, she is taking it like a champ.

[The End]