Picture with Dad

Shawn… Andrew Dismukes

Elizabeth… Heidi Gardner

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Dad… Beck Bennet

Doctor… Anya Taylor-Joy

Policeman… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Shawn and Elizabeth getting ready for the prom picture a Elizabeth’s home.]

Mom: Okay now, smile. Oh my gosh, you two are so cute. And I got it. Alright. Now I want to do long ways.

Elizabeth: Mom, come on. We’re going to be late.

Mom: Elizabeth, calm down please. I just want one more.

Dad: Oh wait, I got an idea. I’ll be right back.

Mom: Chris, where are you going?

Dad: I got an idea for the picture. It’s going to be great. Hold on.

Elizabeth: Sorry, Shawn, my parents are being so lame.

Shawn: It’s okay, babe. We got time. Mrs. Sanders, take as many as you want.

Mom: Shawn, I knew I liked you. Alright now, scootch together and smile. One… two…

[Dad walks in with a big shotgun.]

Shawn: Whoa!

Elizabeth: Oh my god, dad!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: What? I saw it on the internet. It’s funny.

Mom: Chris, I told you that we weren’t doing this.

Dad: Oh come on, it’s funny.

Elizabeth: Dad, how is it funny?

Dad: Oh, you know, it’s like, “Hey, Mr. You better not try anything or I’ll shoot you.” Ha-ha. People are doing it. It’s a thing. It’s like, bang!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: Oh, come on, relax. [Dad shoots himself at his penis]

[Ten minutes later]
[Dad is taken to the hospital]

Doctor: Okay, what do we got?

Policeman: Male, age 48. Blew his [bleep] off taking a photo with his daughter.

Doctor: Their prom picture?

Policeman: Yes.

Mom: Chris, we’re right here.

Dad: Did you get it?

Mom: I tried honey, but it’s pretty rough.

Doctor: Is that his–

Mom: Yes. [Mom shows his blown off penis inside a container.]

Dad: Is it alright?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. Looks like we will not be able to reattach.

Dad: Okay. You could probably just do it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I do not think we can do that.

Dad: You can probably reattach it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I don’t think that’s possible.

Dad: But you can just do it though, right?

Doctor: No sir, we can’t.

Dad: Oh god.

Elizabeth: Is my dad going to be okay?

Doctor: I’ll do what I can.

Mom: My god, Chris. How could you be so stupid.

Dad: I wanted to take a funny picture.

Mom: What is funny about holding a gun around kids?

Dad: Cause I don’t want them to have sex.

Mom: They’ve been dating for three years. They’ve had sex.

Dad: What?

Elizabeth: Yes, dad. We’ve done it a lot.

Dad: When?

Elizabeth: Well, you know when we went to Jamaica and you didn’t see us the entire trip?

Dad: Yeah.

Elizabeth: Well, then.

Shawn: Yeah. And do you remember all those times that you wake up and I’m in the kitchen shirtless drinking a gatorade?

Dad: Yeah.

Shawn: Well, those times too.

Dad: Oh, why?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. we’re going into operation. So, we’re going to have to put you under, alright?

Dad: Wait! Wait! Lizzy, I’m sorry I ruined your prom by blowing my [bleep] off with my gun.

Elizabeth: It’s okay, dad.

Dad: And Laura, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and so I blew my little [bleep] off with my big old gun.

Mom: It’s fine, Chris.

Dad: And Shawn, you’re like a son to me. You take good care of my daughter.

Shawn: Thanks Mr. Sanders.

Dad: But tonight out of respect of me, please don’t have sex with each other.

Shawn: Okay. We will, but yeah.

Dad: No, but just tonight, don’t.

Shawn: Yes. We’re going to. But okay.

Dad: Look, just tonight, out of respect for my condition. Please don’t.

Shawn: Yes, sir. We will though. But yeah.

Dad: No. For me, just tonight, don’t.

Elizabeth: You got it, dad. We are, but yeah.

Dad: I’m saying don’t do it.

Elizabeth: You got it.

Shawn: Yeah, we are though.

Dad: I blew my [bleep] off tonight. Please don’t have sex with each other.

[doctor puts oxygen mask on Dad.]

IBS Medicine Ad

Mom… Carey Mulligan

Dad… Mikey Day

Lauren Holt

Janitor… Kenan Thompson

Principal… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Mom and Dad at their son’s school concert. Their son is going to play guitar.]

Female voice: Life’s special moments are meant to be enjoyed. Not spend worrying about your irritable bowel syndrome.

[Mom feels pressure in her stomach]

Mom: [to Dad] I’ll be right back]

Dad: But Ryan’s solo is coming up.

[Mom runs to the toilet]

Female voice: It can strike at any time. Robbing you of life’s special moments. [Ryan looking at his sad being sad] But now, there’s help. [when Mom’s walking back to her seat, Lauren stops her and gives her a pack of pill] With Tremfalta. Tremfalta is a once daily pill that helps control your IBS syndrome. Instead of it controlling you. [Mom takes her seat and now her son is happily playing the guitar]. So you can enjoy more of life’s special moment.

Janitor: [yelling] Oh my god!

All: Shh!

Janitor: Who did this? It is everywhere. On the wall? Ugh!

Female voice: Tremfalta works by slowing your body’s digestive process decreasing the intensity and volatility of bowel movements so you can get back to what really matters.

[Janitor calls principal and shows the bathroom]

Principal: Oh!

Janitor: What did I tell you?

Female voice: Because some of life’s moments are too important to miss.

Principal: Stop the concert. Kids, I’m sorry. Someone has done something very, very bad in the bathroom. Something very disrespectful. [Lauren is shaking her head] Who did this filth?

Dad: [whispering to Mom] Didn’t you go–

Mom: [whispering] Shut the fuck up.

Female voice: Consult your doctor before use. Side effects may include–

Janitor: [yelling] Something is wrong with you, you sick son of a bitch.

Female voice: Side effects may–

Janitor: [yelling] You just lit up the toilet. You just lit the whole damn thing up.

Female voice: Side effects–

Janitor: I have kids! Damn!

Female voice: Never miss a special moment again.

[Mom hugs Lauren and whispers in her ears]

Mom: [whispering] If you say anything, I will destroy your life.

Lauren: What?

Mom: [looking at her family] Wait for mom.

Female voice: With Tremfalta.

Dad: I think we got a star on our hands.

The Grinch

Dad… Mikey day

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Grinch… Pete Davidson

[Starts with story turning book pages.]

Male voice: And what happened then…? Well… in Who-wille they say that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day! He brought back the toys and the food for the feast! And he… he himself… carved the roast beast!

The next morning…

[Cut to a family in the Christmas morning. The kids are at the Christmas tree and their parents walk down.]

Dad: Good morning, kids.

Sister: Good morning, dad.

Brother: Good morning, mom.

Sister: You guys look tired.

Dad: Yeah. Mom and I had a little too much who-punch last night.

Mom: Haven’t partied like that in a while.

Brother: What did you guys do after we went to bed?

Dad: Don’t worry about that, buddy.

Sister: I thought it was so nice that Mr. Grinch came down to celebrate with us yesterday.

Brother: I always thought he was a rotten old meanie who is slimy like a snail, but boy was I wrong. He is great!

Dad: Yeah. He’s a cool guy. Oh, speak of the devil.

[Grinch is walking down the stairs]

Grinch: Morning.

Sister: Did you sleep over, Mr. Grinch?

Brother: And are you wearing my dad’s bathrobe?

Grinch: Well, the reason for that is–

Mom: You know, it was so late and Mr. Grinch lives way up on that curly mountains. And we just thought why not invite him to spend the night here? [Dad and Mom looking at each other happily] With us.

Grinch: Yeah. That’s it.

Brother: Well, wait. There’s only two bedrooms upstairs. Where did you sleep, Mr. Grinch?

Grinch: Someone want to take this one?

Dad: It doesn’t matter where Mr. Grinch slept. What matters is that yesterday, his heart grew three sizes.

Mom: It’s not the only thing that grew three sizes.

Grinch: Kathy. You’re bad.

Male voice: The Who Children puzzled over what had occurred. Unaware that their parents had brought in a third to spice up their marriage, why, it’s a cinch. All you need is some Who punch and a night… with the Grinch.

Grinch: Well, I should probably roll.

Mom: No, no, no. Stay. Have breakfast. I’m making green eggs and bacon.

[Grinch takes a seat in between Dad and Mom]

Grinch: Oh, okay. Well, I am pretty hungry.

Dad: I bet you are. You put in some work last night.

Mom: We all did.

Grinch: Well, if that was work then I guess I love my job.

Sister: What are you guys talking about?

Dad: Nothing. Hey, show Mr. Grinch the toys you got for Christmas, guys.

Brother: Okay.

Sister: Yeah.

Brother: We got whiz boppers, new sneedlers and I don’t know what this is but it looks fun. [pulls out a stick with a pointing hand on top.]

Dad: Okay. Don’t worry about that one, guys. That’s not a fun toy.

Mom: I thought it was pretty fun.

Grinch: Trust me, I remember.

Sister: I’m so tired. You woke me up last night, mommy.

Mom: Oh, no. I did? You didn’t come in our room, right?

Sister: No.

Mom: Oh. Thank god.

Sister: You kept screaming, “You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one.”

Mom: Well, mommy was just having a nightmare.

Brother: Daddy. Were you having a nightmare when you were yelling, “Punish me, my green king? Punish me, my green king?”

Grinch: And that’s my cue. I really should get back to my cave. My little A-hole dogs probably wondering where I am.

Mom: Aw!

Dad: Are you sure?

Grinch: Yeah. But hey, you know, thanks for the memories.

Mom: Well, don’t be a stranger.

[Mom and Grinch hug. Mom doesn’t let go of hug.]

Grinch: I probably should go.

[Dad gets in to hug as well.]

Dad: Well, no ones stopping you.

Brother: What are you guys doing?

Grinch: [yelling at the kids] Go outside and play!

[Dad, Mom and Grinch start making out.]

Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!

Christmas Morning

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with kids waking their parents up in the morning of Christmas.]

Speaker 1: Mom, dad, get up!

Speaker 2: Come on, you guys. Wake up. Wake up.

[musicplaying]

All: It’s Christmas morning. Let’s open up our presents.

BROTHER: Well, I got a Nerf gun!

SISTER: I got a hat!

DAD: I got an autographed baseball bat!

BROTHER: I got a telescope!

SISTER: I got a globe!

DAD: I got a watch!

MOM: And I got a robe!

BROTHER: I got Hulk hands!

DAD: I got a tie!

SISTER: And I got a copy of The Catcher in the Rye!

BROTHER: I got a drum set!

SISTER: I got a phone!

DAD: I got a pen!

MOM: And I got a robe

DAD: I got an outdoor pizza oven!

BROTHER: I got a cameo from McLovin!

SISTER: I got a hoverboard!

BROTHER: I got a drone!

DAD: I got a laptop!

MOM: And I got a robe
Thanks for the robe, it’s really really nice
Thanks for the robe, guys, this is great

BROTHER: I got headphones!

SISTER: I got a wig!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got the piano from Big!

DAD: I got a vintage pinball machine!

MOM: And I’m gonna make us breakfast!
In my brand new robe which I love so much
It’s really really soft! Oh, it’s on sale

SISTER: I got a sword!

DAD: I got shades!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got pairs of rollerblades!

BROTHER: I got a Lego Millennium Falcon!

MOM: And I burned my arm in the oven
It hurt pretty bad, but I didn’t even scream
‘Cause I keep the pain inside of me

ALL: More and more presents
Let’s open up our stockings

BROTHER: Mine has a set of travel games!

SISTER: And mine is stuffed with candy canes!

DAD: Mine has a bottle of nice cologne!

MOM: And mine is completely empty
Just a big, flat sock with nothing inside
I only hang it up ’cause it looks kinda weird
If it’s missing in our pictures

DAD: Hold on now, what’s this I see?

SISTER: A few more presents beneath the tree!

BROTHER: Looks like someone’s got a big surprise

MOM: Oh, you guys really didn’t need to get me–

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s presents for the dog!

BROTHER: He got a bone and a squeaky toy!

DAD: And peanut butter treats

BROTHER AND SISTER: ‘Cause he’s a good boy!

SISTER: So many presents, but he deserves it!

BROTHER AND SISTER: And he got a robe!

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s Christmas morning! Let’s take a family picture!

MOM: John, I don’t have any makeup on. I was up until 4 in the —

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: What a great picture! Let’s post it on the internet!

Male voice:  Your mom does everything for your family. This year, get her more than one present. Moms like stuff, too

BROTHER: Who touched my piano?

MOM: [yelling] It was an accident!

Future Ghost

Zac… Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

Mom… Heidy Gardner

Ghost… Chris Rock

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a young boy playing video game in the year Mom000]

Zac: Tony Hawk, you’ve done it again. A “Pro Skater Mom” far surpasses the original.

Mom: Zac, dinner’s almost ready. That’s your Zac0 minute warning.

Zac: I heard you in the first time, Rachel.

Mom: Please call me mom.

Zac: Hey, whatever. No wonder dad left to become a priest. Now if I could just grind this lunch table like P-I-M-P.

[The lights dim. Smoke appears behind Zac. Ghost walks out of the smoke. He has white hair, and all his clothes are white. He has a sword in his hand.]

Ghost: Hello, Zac.

Zac: Hey, what’s up? Wow, are you a ghost?

Ghost: Yeah, I’m like a ghost. Specifically a ghost from the future. And I have something important to show you.

Zac: Okay, just one sec. I’ll be right with you.

Ghost: Seriously. Can you pause it?

Zac: Go ahead, dude! I’m listening. I almost landed that combo.

Ghost: I was gonna show you what your future was like, but if you wanna just play your little skateboard game, that’s fine.

Zac: Wait, see my future? Yeah, I’ll pause my game for that freaking crap. Ay, hopefully I’ll live at the Playboy mansion.

Ghost: You don’t.

Zac: Okay. Well, then hopefully I’ll married to Eliza Dushku and the mom from Spy Kids.

Ghost: Well, you might want to lower those expectations. Here, take a look.

[Screen blurs. It’s a same room, but there’s another older guy playing video game now.]

Zac: Hey, is that me?

Ghost: This is you in 2020, okay? A global pandemic sends your life into a tale spin. You lose your job and you have to move back in with your mom. And this is all you ever do.

Zac: Oh, my god!

Ghost: Yeah, I know, right?

Zac: I can’t believe it. Those graphics are freaking insane! Holy freak! They look like real. Freak!

Ghost: Wait, wait, na, na, na. Forget about the graphics.

Zac: Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ll just forget about the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Seriously, are you blind? Did you look at in the clips while playing with yourself? It looks like real. And what the freak kind of console is that? A Playstation Mom?

Ghost: PSMom? No. That’s an old PS4.

Zac: 4? Oh, god! I think I just nutted for the first time in my life.

Ghost: You didn’t.

Zac: Oh, okay. And is that a wireless controller? Oh, hey, can I have Mom0Mom0 now, please? Haha.

Ghost: Can you please just stop fixating on the game and take this seriously?

Zac: Yeah, yeah. I’ll take it seriously. Right after I do this.

[dancing and singing] Those graphics,
I just saw the most awesome graphics,
and suddenly this game will never be the same

Ghost: Would you shut up, you goofy ass?

[Ghost slaps Zac very hard]

Zac: Hey, man!

Ghost: You don’t understand. In Mom0 years, the world as you know it is going to change forever. Look!

[Mom walks down with a mask on]

Zac: Hey. That’s my mom. Oh wow, and she’s a dentist now. It’s bad.

Mom: Zac, everything okay?

Zac from future: Nah! This wifi sucks ass. Why don’t you start Onlyfans so we can afford a second router?

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Hey, hey! That is no way to talk to your mother. This is my wife, dammit!

Zac: Hold up. My mom married Kenan Thompson? What?

[My Mom Married Kenan Thompson intro playing]

Male voice: My Mom Married Kenan Thompson, coming to Peacock this fall.

Drill Sergeant

Drill Sergeant… Beck Bennett

Soldier Larson… Mikey Day

Colonel Larson… Alec Baldwin

Alex Moffat

Mom… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Drill Sergeant preparing his soldiers for inspection]

Drill Sergeant: Big day, C Company. Colonel Larson is on base for inspections. so you maggots better look alive. That includes you, Larson. You think just because your dad is a colonel, you can get away with a bed corner like that?

Larson: No drill sergeant!

Drill Sergeant: You are damn, right, Larson. No one gets a free pass here. No matter who your daddy is. Do I make myself clear?

Soldiers: Yes, drill sergeant.

Drill Sergeant: Attention. [Colonel walks in] Colonel larson in the bunk.

Colonel: Well, the infamous C Company. There is a rumor going around that you are the sorriest, laziest group of recruits on the base and I started that rumor. Gizmo course time, horrendous target mark, and an attitude that stinks worse than the outhouse in a chili cookout. Chilly cook out on that, dammit? [yelling at Alex’s ears] Chilly cook out, I said! Not a single one of you is fit to be a soldier in my army. [to his son] God, you look so handsome in the uniform, son. I’m so proud of you.

Larson: Dad, stop.

Drill Sergeant: Sir, I apologize for the state of my recruits.

Colonel: Not your fault, sergeant! It’s theirs. [yelling] These sacks of dog crap came here to become lean, mean, fighting machines. But all I see is scared littler girls. Scared little girls. And no one, not one is a brave man. [to his son] Except you. You’re my brave little man.

Larson: Dad, I beg you to stop.

Colonel: [yelling] Now you maggots drop and do pushups until you puke blood, you hear me?

Soldier: Sir, yes sir!

[All the soldiers start their pushups]

One, two, three, four, five, six…

[Colonel is shaking a paper fan for his son]

Larson: I don’t need that .Dad stop.

Colonel: [yelling] Alright, on your feet. [Soldiers stand] You call them pushups? What’s wrong with you? You got a wand up your ass, Harry Potter?

Peter: Sir, no sir.

[Larson laughs]

Colonel: Who the hell just laughed? Well, well, well. A couple of jokers laughing it up. [to Alex] You two friends or something?

Alex: Sir, yes sir.

Colonel: So is making friends okay?

Alex: Yes, yes, sir.

Colonel: [asking about his son] He’s not doing his shy thing where he’s quiet in big groups?

Alex: Sir, no sir.

Colonel: Good.

Alex: He’s adjusting great.

Colonel: Fantastic. Now what was your time on the rope course, princess?

Alex: 2.13, sir.

Colonel: Pathetic. [walks to Peter] And you, four eyes, what is your marksmanship grades?

Peter: Satisfactory sir!

Colonel: Pitiful! Larson, I hear you have a birth date coming up and your mothe wants to know where you want to have your dinner!

Larson: Sir, cheesecake factory, sir!

Colonel: Excellent choice. Huge menu, something for everyone, well done, Larson. God, I can’t believe you’re turning 21, son. Remember that song they used to sing to you during bath time? Remember?

[singing] Don’t go peepee in the bathtub
coz peepee goes in the…

Larson: Potty.

Drill Sergeant: Sir, to teach them some discipline, I believe C Company should do double PT and train duty until further notice.

Colonel: That’s a start. But I don’t think any of these soft bodies could be like my father. [yelling] He was a real soldier. Something none of you maggots have a prayer of becoming. [to Larson] Even though you look exactly like him in that uniform. [sobbing]

Drill Sergeant: Um, yeah. So, C Company, take a lap around the base perimeter and think about if you really want to be here. Go! Go! Go! Go!

[The soldiers start jogging]

Colonel: Larson! Wait! My commanding officer wants to have a word with you.

Larson: Really?

Colonel: Yes. So look sharp. Aten-hut!

[Larson’s mother walks in]

Mother: Aw, my little baby looks so handsome.

Larson: Hey, om.

Colonel: And he made a friend.

Mother: Okay, hey, Mr. Popular.

Surprise Lady- Thanksgiving

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Paul… Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a group of adults gathered for thanksgiving.]

Cecily: Okay, you guys, can I haver your attention? First, just so I don’t have to tell you all individually coz I know you’re all gonna ask, yes, everything in this house is from Pier one. Okay? Everything. Second, and this is slightly more important, my brother Paul got special holiday leave from the military and he is going to be here tonight for thanksgiving dinner.

Bobby: That’s amazing.

Mikey: Oh, wow.

Aidy: That’s wonderful.

Cecily: It gets better. We didn’t tell mom. She has no idea. We’re gonna surprise her.

Sue: [looking very excited] Oh!

Aidy: She is going to be shocked.

Bobby: Yeah. I can’t wait to see her face.

Sue: Oh, my god!

Mikey: This was a great idea. What do you need us to dy?

Cecily: Well, we have a whole thing planned out.

Sue: [excited and squeaky voice] Oh, my god! It’s a surprise? And there’s a plan? She doesn’t know it?

Leslie: Sue, are you alright?

Sue: Yes. [breathing heavy] I just love surprises. So freaking f-ing excited.

Cecily: Okay. So, Paul’s waiting right now at our neighbor’s house. As soon as mom is here, I’ll text him to come in and surprise her. Um, Sue?

[Sue is too excited]

Sue: Don’t you see? Just gonna get here? Like, your son is overseas but he’s over there? Behind the door? And she’s surprised?

Bobby: Oh, I have an idea. Should I film it with my phone?

Sue: [loud voice] Yes!

Cecily: Okay. Well, anyway, I thought after mom gets here, we’ll start eating and then Paul–

Sue: Oh, god! What are we eating? Corn? Tell me, is it butter?

Mikey: Sue, Sue, everyone’s excited. But we have to keep it together.

Aidy: Yeah, when mom gets here we can’t act like anything out of the ordinary is happening. Everybody just has to act natural. Can you do that, Sue?

Sue: Natural, yes. Yes. I’ll just look at my hand. I don’t know. My legs are locking up. I’ll walk around.

[Sue stands up. Her legs are stiff. She is trying to walk around.]

Cecily: Well, you know, mom’s gonna be here any minute. How about, you know what? How about when she sees Paul, everyone just yell, “Surprise!”

Sue: My god! I forgot about the yelling.

[Sue falls down and breaks a pot]

Cecily: That pot is from Pier one.

Mikey: And, Sue, you’re ruining the surprise.

Sue: Ah! I’m just so freaking freaked. Oh! Okay, I think I know what’s gonna make me feel better. Can we do a practice surprise? I need to dry run.

Cecily: Okay, fine. I’ll be mom, right. We’re all acting natural right. The doorbell rings. She opens the door. Paul’s there and we all yell…

Sue: [screaming] Surprise! Surprise! Yeah! Oh, god!

Aidy: Sue!

[car sound]

Mikey: Oh, that’s her. That’s her. She’s coming.

Leslie: Okay, everyone be calm. By everyone, I mean Sue.

Bobby: Sue, just sit down, okay? If you feel like you’re gonna say anything, just put this pillow on your mouth.

[Sue immediately puts the pillow in her mouth] [Cecily opens the door. Mom walks in]

Mom: Hi.

Cecily: Hi.

Mom: Happy thanksgiving, everyone. Am I the last one here?

Cecily: Um-hmm.

[everyone is shaking their heads.] [Sue now has only small part of the pillow inside her mouth]

Leslie: Did you eat the pillow? Did you eat that whole pillow?

[Sue nods her head yes.]

Cecily: Okay, mom, dinner’s ready. Maybe, we should all sit down before it gets cold. [whispering to everyone else] He’s coming.

Sue: Oh, god! [whispering] He’s coming. Oh, god, here it comes.

Mikey: Shh, don’t!

Sue: Oh god, here it comes. It’s coming. Someone’s coming. No, they’re not. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Yeah, it’s camouflage, oh, god! Army. What? No, Paul. Yes.

Mom: Did she say something about Paul?

Cecily: No.

[doorbell ringing]

Mom: Oh, now who could that be?

[Sue is struggling to close her mouth]

Sue?

Bobby: Sue, you’re ruining it.

Sue: I gotta get out of here.

[Sue runs, grabs the turkey and throws it on the window to breaking it. She runs through the window.] [Mom opens the door. Paul walks in.]

Paul: Surprise!

Mom: Oh, my goodness. Paul, you’re here.

Paul: Happy thanksgiving, mom. Surprise! And I have more news. I brought my boyfriend home.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Hi.

[Sue runs in again with the turkey on her head]

Sue: [yelling] I love same sex relationships.

[Sue holds Aidy’s hand and they both run out]

Football Party

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Brandon… Dave Chappelle

Andrew… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Leslie Jones

Andrea… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with guys having a football party]

Kenan: Oh, damn! That was holding.

Pete: Yeah, call it back!

Brandon: Hell, no. That’s a touchdown, baby. Let’s go for two.

Andrew: Alright. Now we got a game on our hands.

Brandon: Yeah. You want some beers?

Andrew: Yeah, I’d do one.

Brandon: Alright. Hey, mama!

Andrew: Oh, does your mom live with you?

Brandon: No. I kind of live with her.

Pete: Ha-ha. What?

Kenan: She wash your drawers for you too?

[Brandon laughing sarcastically]

Brandon: No. I do that for myself.

Kyle: Guys, go easy. Sounds kind of nice.

[Mom walks in with some beers]

Mom: Hey, you boys. Brewskis!

Andrew: Alright, I guess I can see how you can get used to this.

Mom: So, you thirsty baby?

Brandon: Oh, hell yeah. I could drink something.

[Mom gets ready with a covering sheet to breastfeed Brandon]

No peeking fellas!

Pete: At what?

[Brandon gets inside the sheet]

Mom: Go ahead baby, get in there. Oh, that Cam Newton is something else!

Brandon: Ummm. What did I miss? Did he go for two?

[Brandon’s friends are shocked]

Kenan: Uh, what just transpired exactly?

Brandon: Um, I was thirsty so I had a drink.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, did you just breast-feed?

Brandon: Jealous? Breastfeeding is healthy for the mom and the baby.

Andrew: You’re 43!

Mom: But you’ll always be my baby.

Pete: Ha-ha. Gross!

Kyle: I don’t know. That’s probably he’s so jacked!

Brandon: Bingo. That’s exactly why I’m so jacked. Got any idea how many vitamins are in the elixir?

Mom: It’s nature’s most perfect food.

Brandon: Plus, it’s free as hell. As a matter of fact, mama, if you would?

[passes a small glass to Mom]

Mom: Yeah, sure.

Brandon: So, y’all been planning thanksgiving? You’re welcome to come here, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Kenan: Ah, I’m good.

Andrew: Yeah.

Kyle: I’ll be around.

[Mom passes the small glass filled with milk to Brandon]

Brandon: Ooh! Still warm. [Brandon takes a shot of that milk] What’s going on in the game?

Kyle: Um, they just recovered the onside kick.

Brandon: Hell yeah! Let’s go.

[microwave beeps.]

Mom: Oh, that will be the snacks, I’ll be right back.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, what’s the story here, man?

Brandon: The story? I’ll tell you the story, Andrew. I have never once had an ear infection. I have zero allergies. No respiratory illnesses or bout diarrhea. is that enough of a story for you?

[Mom walks in with five glasses of milk]

Mom: Alright. Fresh baked cookies and milk!

Pete: Um, I guess I’ll take a cookie.

Kyle: I’ll have some.

[Kyle drinks the milk]

Brandon: Not me guys. I’m gonna go straight to the source, excuse me.

[Brandon starts to breastfeed again]

Mom: Get your muscle milk. Easy Brandon, you getting a little toothy down there.

[Brandon gets out of the cover. He has milk all over his face.]

Brandon: Sorry about that mama.

[Awkward silence between friends]

That’s what I’m talking about. Ah! That’s the game. That’s the game.

[Andrea walks in]

Andrea: Brandon! What are you doing? You’re supposed to take me to work. I’m gonna bel late.

Brandon: Oh, hey guys, this is my sister Andrea.

Andrea: Hi. Now, let’s go.

Mom: No. Not before y’all eat something. Everybody in.

Brandon: Alright.

[Brandon and Andrea get into the cover for breastfeeding]

Brandon: Stop pushing, Andrea! God damn!

[the milk is spraying outside all over Brandon’s friends]

Andrea: You’re wasting it!

Andrew: Alright. Okay. I think it’s time for us to head out.

Kenan: Yeah.

Andrew: Thank you for having us. Alright.

[Kenan, Pete and Andrew head out]

Kyle: I might chill here for a bit if that’s cool.

Hamster

Mom… Aidy Bryant

PJ… Kyle Mooney

Alice… Kate McKinnon

James… Beck Bennett

Emily Blunt

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Mom talking to PJ ]

Mom: Aw, honey. What’s going on, PJ? You’ve been staring at your hamster cage for gosh, an hour now.

PJ : Ever since we put in the new guys, the old ones are being really mean.

Mom: Um, okay. Well, the lady at Petco said that they might fight a little but that they’ll work it out.

PJ : I don’t know mom. It’s pretty bad.

[Cut to the hamsters]

Alice: He can’t get it up. Did he tell you that?

James: Hmm, you’re drunk. You’re a drunk hamster Alice. A drunk hamster.

Alice: How else could I survive living in this pathetic little cage with you?

James: Oh, you want a big cage, Alice? Go on. Go back to Harrow.

Alice: Oh, again with the damn guinea pig.

James: Um, he has a big cage. Isn’t that what you like, Alice? Big expensive things.

[Cut to Emily and Alex]

Emily: Oh my, it is getting late. I think we have to head on home.

Alex: Yes, thank you for the evening. We’ll see ourselves out.

Alice: Oh, no, no. But stay, dinner is almost ready.

James: Yeah, it’s almost burnt to a crisp.

Alice: It’s pallet roast, James. It’s refined.

Emily: You know, we actually have a toilet paper roll in home to finish. So we should…

Alex: Oh, yes. Thanks for the offer.

James: Hmm, I’d like to off her.

Alice: What was that coward?

James: I’d like to off you.

[Cut to PJ and his mom ]

PJ : I think we should get another cage.

Mom: Well, maybe you just need to feed them, right? Maybe they’re just hungry.

PJ : I don’t know. It still feels really tense.

[PJ  puts in some food for the hamsters.] [Cut to the hamsters eating.]

Emily: Um, James, so what do you do for work?

James: Well, I used to be in sales but now I’m mostly working on pulling in that sock from the side of the cage.

[Cut to a sock stuck at the cage]

Emily: Oh, that’s fascinating. How wonderful–

Alice: [mocking] Oh, that’s fascinating, is it? Ha-ha! What I wouldn’t give these 12 weeks olds again. Just a wide eyed easily impressed little floosy.

Alex: Now, wait a minute.

James: Oh, that’s enough.

Alice: Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot we’re all lying to ourselves tonight.

Emily: Alice, please. We’re all neighbors. I thought we might as well get to know each other.

Alice: Oh, you would like to get to know my husband, wouldn’t you Ms. Fluffy? Can’t keep your lies off his tail.

James: Not everyone is as sick as you, Alice.

Alice: Oh! I’m sick?

James: You’re sick.

Alice: How am I sick?

James: Oh, you want me to tell you how you’re sick?

Alice: Tell me. Tell me how I am sick.

James: Oh, you’re sick coz you’re scared. You’re always running. Running on that wheel. Trying to run away from something but you can’t run away from yourself, Alice. It eats you up inside.

[Alice claps]

Alice: I had no idea you were a poet, James. Here I thought you were just a choir.

[Cut to PJ and his mom ]

Mom: Okay, you know what PJ? I think you might be right.

PJ : I told you. That older one keeps playing mind games with our new.

Mom: I know. They’re just– they’re going in circles and I can’t take it.

PJ : We have to put a stop to this. Or they will.

Mom: Alright, I’ll get a bucket.

[Cut to the hamsters]

Alice: Go ahead. Hit me.

James: You want me to hit you?

Alice: Oh, go on and hit me.

James: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Alice: Oh, I’m not a man. Hit me.

James: Oh, get nice black eye to show your friends?

Alice: He doesn’t have the tail to hit me.

[James hits Alice]

Ou! That wasn’t so hard, was it?

James: Your’e a poison. You’re toxic. You’re sick.

Emily: Stop it. Stop it. Listen to yourselves. So much hatred. We have a short time on this earth before we’re buried in a New Balance shoe box. Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company?

James: She ate our babies, you know? All eight of them.

Alice: I was hungry.

[Cut to PJ and his mom . Mom is holding a bucket]

Mom: Okay, let’s get those newer guys out of there.

PJ : Oh, silence mother. What do you know about pets?

Mom: Okay. These are all going back and you can have a dog.

PJ : Awesome, baby!