Tag: Mom

Family Meeting

Dad… James Austin Johnson

Mom… Mom Nwodim

Sucre… Travis Kelce

Dad: Thanks for making the trip kids.

Chloe: Well, when you said it was an emergency, we flew in right away.

Marcello: Yeah, you’re kind of freaking us out. Are you guys okay?

Mom: Oh, we are better than okay.

Dad: Look, the truth is we had a hard time figuring out how to break the news.

Mom: That’s what the song is for.

Devon: The song?

Dad: I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but don’t worry, the song will explain everything.

[music playing]

[Dad and go hold mics]

Dad: [singing] When I think about love
I’m so grateful for the times we have

Mom: A beautiful house
our wonderful children
1000 memories good and bad

Dad: But we’ve been drifted apart from one another
even though we still love each other
but now she’s given our bed to another
but I’m cool with it and watch…
I watch from the corner

Devon: Wait, mom, you’re cheating on Dad?

Mom: God no. Didn’t you hear the part where he said he’s cool with it?

Dad: Yeah, I believe my exact words were I’m cool with it and I watch. I watch from the corner.

Marcello: So who’s the other man?

Chloe: I don’t know. But I would guess it’s the guy sitting in dad’s chair playing Streets of Rage II.

Sucre: What up?

Marcello: God, I’m so confused right now.

Mom: Oh, well I’m so glad you said that.

Dad: Because the next part of the song will explain everything.

[music playing]

Mom: His name is Sucre and he’s a felon
he explored my whole body like Magellan
he plays Streets of Rage II and then he pleasures me in bed

Dad: And I’m cool with it and I watch…
I watch from the corner

Chloe: I don’t understand why you’re so pumped about watching from the corner.

Devon: Yeah, and I’m sorry. His name is Sucre?

Sucre: Yeah, Sucre Willadauski.

Chloe: Well, what? You’re in a throttle now with a guy named Suecre Willadauski?

Sucre: Damn, you guys are being mad annoying right now. How many times your parents have to say this? The next part of the song will explain everything.

Dad: Thank you, Sucre.

Sucre: And by the way, I’m not happy that I just had to stop just now. You distracting me so badly that a guy with a mohawk just punched me and my health window.

Dad: I think you guys should apologize to Sucre about the mohawk guy.

Devon: No, I’m not apologizing to Sucre. You got to tell us what’s actually happening.

Mom: Well, we’re trying to but you keep interrupting.

Sucre: The next part of the song really tpills things out.

[music playing]

[singing] My name spelled S-U-C-R-E- W-O-L-O-D-R-Ski.

Devon: Yo, spelling of your name was not the part we were confused about.

Sucre: Hey, can I ask you a question?

Dad: Yes, Sucre.

Sucre: How are these three kids yours?

Mom: I was on top for him. [for Devon]

Dad: Yeah. And I was on top for her. [for chloe]

Mom: Then we did it on the side one time and he came out. [for Marcello Hernandez]

Marcello: That’s not how it works.

Chloe: Okay, you guys are adults. You can do what you want. I just want to make sure that you didn’t touch the grandkids college funds.

Dad: Of course, we go over that in this next part.

[music playing]

Mom: The money’s all gone now.

Devon: Wait, you gave all the college money to Sucre?

Dad: Sucre this, Sucre that. What do you think of the guitar solo?

Devon: This a nightmare.

Sucre: Guys, I know this is a lot to take in. But I have some good news. I just be Streets of Rage II. This is the best day of my life.

All: Sucre!

Mom: Also, I’m not 100% sure, but I’m almost positive I’m pregnant.

All: Sucre!

Dad: And watch from the corner.

Protective Mom

Louis… Marcello Hernandez

Britney… Chloe Fineman

Mother… Pedro Pascal

Louis: Babe, so before we go in, I just want you to know that my mom can be pretty protective of me. And I just don’t want you to get scared off.

Britney: Louis, don’t worry, we’re good.

Louis: Okay. Woo-hoo, Mama-minda, we’re home.

Mother: Mi Hijo lindo, I’m coming. [walks in and starts crying]

Louis: Mama.

Mother: the man of my life. ay, Dios mio. Luisito. Oh my college boy, I missed you so much. [starts hitting with newspaper] You don’t call enough. Bad boy. I’ll kill you. I put you in jail. Ah! I love you so much.

Louis: Aw, mama. Well, I love you too, mama. And I want to introduce you to my new girlfriend, Britney.

Britney: Hi. Yes, Miss Flores. I’m Brittany. I’ve heard so much about you.

Mother: You are cute. You dress like a boy. I like that.

Louis: Haha-mama. Let’s eat. How about that?

Britney: With love. And hey, my parents taught me never to come empty handed. So I did bring some vegan sliders.

Mother: Louis, [foreign language] vegan sliders?

Britney: Is she talking about me?

Louis: Oh, yes. But in a good way. Don’t worry. Mama. We’re hungry.

Britney: Yes. And this looks great. Um, where should I put these?

Mother: I’ll take it. Thank you. [Takes the bag and throws the vegan sliders into the trash] Sit, sit.

Louis: Everything looks so great, Mama. Thank you.

Mother: So Brittany, what are you studying?

Britney: I’m actually studying fine art with a concentration in 17th century baroque architecture.

Mother: So she doesn’t like money.

Louis: Mama, please. Brittany wants to be an art professor one day.

Mother: Oh, so she’s a lesbian?

Louis: Mama, please.

Mother: No, no, no, no. Mi nuera no puede estudiar fine art y usar tu dinero para dizque broke architecture.

Louis: Mama, por favor. No le importa el dinero a ella.

Mother: Te puedes imaginar? Van Gogh, Picasso, Britney with the vegan sliders.

Britney: Okay, so she’s talking about me.

Louis: No le hables asi a la pobre. Es una nice White girl. Se cuida mucho. Siempre se pone sunscreen. Y tiene mucho talento. Sabe jugar ultimate frisbee.

Britney: Oh my gos. Listen, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. I only want the best for your son. Like Louis, do you remember when you were having trouble concentrating for semester?

Louis: Oh, no, no, no.

Britney: And I set you up with my family doctor?

Mother: What?

Britney: Well, I helped Louis out. Now he’s on ADD medication and he’s doing a lot better.

Mother: My son don’t have ADD. He just like to jump.

Britney: Oh, well, ADD isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. Demi Lovato has it.

Mother: Ella entra a mi casa con su “family doctor”, hablando de que “normalize ADD”.

Britney: Okay, she hates me.

Louis: She’s not talking about you. Mama, yo entiendo que no te cae bien su unisex apparel

Britney: What?

Louis: Y si no fuera por ella, yo nunca viera “White Lotus”.

Mother: Esta brujita, con su Pinterest, hablando de que, “Hey man, wanna go get some sweet green?”

Britney: What is she saying?

Mother: Pero no me digas a mi que te vas a casar con ella o tenera una relacion “long-term”, okay? No.

Britney: What?

Mother: A mi no me importa si tu te metes con eila para un “one-night-stand”, “hit it and quit it”, “rip and dip”. I don’t care. That’s okay.

Britney: Okay, that was all English. Please, I would just love to start over.

Louis: Yes. Can we please just eat? How about that?

Britney: Yes, this looks delicious, Ms. Flores. But before we eat, mind if I say Grace?

Mother: Grace? Oh, Mija. Louis… why didn’t you tell me she was a woman of God?

Louis: Oh my god.

Mother: Now where are my grandchildren?

Charmin Bears

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Daughter… Punkie Johnson

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Son… Myles Teller

William… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Daughter and Mom waiting outside a door]

Daughter: That’s been in there for Daughter7 minutes. It’s gonna be late for work.

Mom: Honey, everything okay?

[Dad runs out of the door and starts singing and dancing]

Dad: [singing] No itches, no scratch
my booty feels so snatch

All: Thank you Charmin, yeah
thank you Charmin, yeah
we smiling cheek to cheek
we smiling cheek to cheek
thank you Charmin, whoo!

Daughter: I was so worried for a second there, dad.

Dad: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. It’s not my first time and it won’t be my last today.

Mom: Amen.

Daughter: Now wait! Where’s Toby? Why didn’t he join in?

Son: [standing in the corner] Sorry, I’m over here. I didn’t hear you singing.

Mom: What’s wrong, son? Are you stopped up?

Dad: Yeah, Toby, you okay? Wait, what you reading there? What is this? Is this? It’s an acceptance letter to toilet paper college. My son is going to TPC.

Mom: Oh my god. What?

Dad: Son, I’m about to cry. Toilet paper College. Oh, I can’t believe this is happening.

Son: I’m sorry, dad, it’s not. I’m not going.

Dad: Well, well, well, hang on there. Hang on. I don’t think I heard you right.

Son: Then take the Charmin out of your ears, dad. I changed my mind.

Dad: Now listen to me, boy. You are the first member of this family to go to college, and you are getting that BFA.

Son: I don’t want a bachelor of flushing arts.

Dad: Well, I don’t care what you want,

Mom: Keith, relax.

Dad: No, no, I worked in that toilet paper mine for 40 years. 40 years!

Daughter: It’s true Toby. He’s down there with his pickaxe all day just gathering up those roads.

Dad: And I did not work my poles to the bone just to see you throw this away. You getting that degree in deprecatory studies and urinary arcs?

Son: Why is everything in our lives have to revolve around going to the bathroom?

Mom: Because sweetie, we’re bears. Don’t you understand? We do two things. We eat honey, and we shoot it out.

Son: Well, I want more mom. I want more than just eating honey and shooting it out.

Dad: You are not my son.

Daughter: Dad, don’t say that.

Dad: No, go upstairs to your room, Stacy. I’m gonna maul your brother now.

Daughter: No. Toby, can you just please do what he wants?

Son: But what about what I want?

Mom: Well, what is it?

Son: I want to dance mama. I want to dance.

Dad: We danced at the beginning.

Son: Not toilet dancing, not twerking because our asses are clean. I’m talking about art. Don’t you get it?

Mom: No, I don’t get this day at all.

Son: Then let me show you. William, can you come in?

[William walks in]

William: Hello. I apologize for being late. I was using your bathroom.

Daughter: That’s our kitchen.

William: Then you have my apologies.

Dad: Who is this?

Son: I met him in dance class.

Dad: What?

William: I can tell by your reaction that this is shocking news but I have more. Your son is good.

Son: Please dad, just give me a chance.

Dad: I can’t believe I’m doing this but all right. But if I’m not impressed, you are going to that doo-doo college.

Son: Deal. [music playing] I’m so scared.

William:  Hey, don’t be.

[They start doing the TikTok dances]

Dad: [sobbing] Oh my god. Oh my god.

Mom: Honey, you’re crying.

Dad: Yes. My son is a dancer!

Bratz Dolls

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Father… Kyle Mooney

Girl… Sarah Sherman

Jade… Selena Gomez

Gigi… Aidy Bryant

Dylan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a mother and a father talking to their daughter]

Mom: No nothing has to change, sweetie. And none of this is your fault.

Girl: But I don’t want you guys to get a divorce.

Dad: Don’t worry, we still love you very much.

Mom: And your dad loves a woman named Julia. We just think separating is what’s best for the family.

Girl: I think I just want to be alone if that’s okay.

Dad: Sure, honey. We’re here if you need us.

Girl: I guess this is growing up. Hmm. I wish I could talk to you guys about this. I can’t believe my dolls are my only friends. [magical sound. The three dolls come to life] Wow, what’s happening?

Gigi: Hey, tiny bitch.

Dylan: Sounds like you’re in a crisis.

Jade: And we’re your friends. So we’re here to help you.

Girl: Wait, what? Who are you guys?

[music playing]

Dylan: Well, we’re a global fashion sensation.

Jade: Sexy dolls for preteens.

Gigi: We are your Bratz doll.

All: We are girls with a passion for fashion clothes.

Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bratz

Girl: Bratz? You’re alive?

Gigi: Stupid queen. We watch over you every day. Like God but slutty.

Jade: We come to life every time a girl’s parents gets a divorce.

Dylan: Yeah, and we’re for girls who are too old for Claire’s, but too young for Talbots.

Jade: Jade. I have a flip phone boat, a dog salon, and I fight with my boyfriend a lot.

Gigi: I’m Gigi. I used to be an American Girl doll until I found sex.

Dylan: And me, I’m Dylan. I’m a boy Bratz. I have a hard time making male friends because we’re competitive about sports and girls.

Girl: Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like my parents divorce is all my fault.

Jade: Shut the hell up, you fluff. Your mom, she’s like a bitch.

Gigi: But what’s the deal with your dad? He’s interesting to us.

Girl: I don’t love how you asked that. I guess he’s a research analyst.

Dylan: That’s weird. He seems like a DJ who loves bottle service.

Girl: No.

Jade: Hot. What does his new girlfriend look like? Brunette? Blonde?

Gigi: Yeah. Or is she, like, a doll with giant eyes and platform flip flops?

Dylan: Or is she boy like me?

Girl: What? I just don’t get why my dad doesn’t love my mom anymore.

Gigi: Umm, I’ll tell you why. He probably likes girls who wear huge hats and have lips like this.

Girl: Okay, guys, I’m seriously having a hard time here. Don’t you have any real advice for me?

Jade: Yes. Always remember, be true. Be real. Be Bratz.

Girl: Okay, I’ll try that.

Gigi: Hey, no, we’re not done yet. Also be authentic. And be a bitch to every waiter you see.

She: All right, thank you.

Dylan: Stop interrupting us. Never forget, be a boy and then come out to your family as Bratz. And when they disown you, make these girls your chosen family.

All: Ba-da-da Chosen, Pam-pa-pam-pam Family

Girl: Okay, well, I still feel kind of sad. Can I have a hug?

Dylan: Um, no, sorry. We’re holding stuff.

Girl: No, you’re not.

Gigi: We might be later though.

Dylan: Yeah.

Girl: Okay, can you guys just shrink down and go back to being dolls now?

All: No.

Jade: We’re going to Miami with your dad.

All: Ha-ha-ha. Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bitch.

Mothers Day Gifts

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

John… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with a family gathering on Mother’s day]

Children: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Mikey: Come on, mom. Open it.

Aidy: Oh my gosh, what a Mother’s Day. You did too much.

John: Well, you deserve it. After all, you’re our mom.

Aidy: Well, I’m your wife.

John: Yeah, that’s what I meant. Who wants to go first?

Chloe: I do. I do.

Aidy: Oh, you know, I love these little wooden signs. Okay, let me see. Okay, “Life doesn’t come with a manual. It comes with a mother.” Oh, where’d you get this?

Chloe: We got it at Home Depot. They sell art there too.

John: This one’s from me, sweetie.

Aidy: Okay, thank you, John. Okay, “Mom turned upside down spells Wow.”

John: Turn it upside down, it actually works.

Aidy: No no, I see. No, you’re right. It does it. These are really great.

Mikey: Here, mom. Thought you’d like this one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Thank you, sweetie. Okay, “Dear mom. We sucked your teats dry and now you look weird in a bathing suit. Happy Mother’s Day.”

John: Aww.

Danny: Good one.

Chloe: Chloe.

Aidy: But I guess I thought this one would have a little funny rhyme or something. But thank you.

Chloe: You kind of look like the woman in the sign?

Aidy: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

Chloe: Honey, give her yours.

Danny: Okay, here you go, Mrs. M. Just wanted to say thank you for welcoming me to the family.

Aidy: Oh, of course, Danny. Let’s see. “Having a mother in law is like having crabs.”

John: Aww.

Aidy: What? Is there more on the back? I mean, it feels like they didn’t finish the joke.

Chloe: Well, you’re gonna like this one.

Aidy: Okay, well, I do like the color for sure. “Were your ears ringing? I was in therapy.” That doesn’t even say Happy Mother’s Day.

John: I picked this one all out by myself.

Aidy: Okay, it’s a big one here. “Dear wife. Now that the kids are grown, we don’t have sex as much anymore. But we do sometimes. And that’s fine.” What?

John: This one actually goes with it. So “Don’t read into that as me asking for more sex. The amount that we are doing is good for me. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay These are getting really specific and personal.

Chloe: Yeah, they’re great. Right?

Aidy: Well, I think you’ve spent too much.

Danny: Oh no, they’re like $1.99.

Chloe: Okay, I want to read this one. “Dear Mom, if you died and dad remarried—” [John laughing] Wait, I’m not finished. “It would be an adjustment, but I feel like we would get to a place where we were able to call the new woman Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay, okay. I don’t understand. You know, usually these signs say something like, you know, “Caution. Mom needs wine,” or something like that.

John: We have ones like that here.

Aidy: Okay, okay, let’s see. It says, “Oh, look, it’s wine o’clock. I just love watching the sunrise.” Is that implying that I’m getting drunk at dawn?

Danny: Here’s a good one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. “I only drink on days that end in y and during hours that have numbers in them.”

Chloe: Here’s another.

Aidy: Oh, my— Okay, okay, “I’m not drunk. It’s just the wine talking.” Oh, “As in, oh my god, a bottle is talking to me and it has lips and everything. Did I get so drunk? I did shrooms. Oh, yeah, I did. I’m an effing mess.” Okay, I don’t drink that much.

Mikey: Here you go.

Aidy: Oh. [opens the sign] “You do”? Okay, I think Mother’s Day can be done now. Okay, thank you, everyone.

Mikey: No, mom. We’re sorry. I guess we got carried away.

John: Yeah, I mean, you know, they seemed really clever in the store. Don’t be mad. This is your day.

Chloe: There is one last one if you want to look, you probably don’t though.

Aidy: Oh, you know what? Fine. Just give it to me. “Mom, for all the times we forgot to thank you for all the special things you do, there’s just one thing we need to mention. You’re the best. We love you.” Okay, well, that one is pretty cool.

Danny: That part flips down.

Aidy: Okay. “We suspect dad has a secret family.”

[John laughing]

John: Who wants more pancakes.

Aidy: Well, wait, do you? I need an answer.

Picture with Dad

Shawn… Andrew Dismukes

Elizabeth… Heidi Gardner

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Dad… Beck Bennet

Doctor… Anya Taylor-Joy

Policeman… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Shawn and Elizabeth getting ready for the prom picture a Elizabeth’s home.]

Mom: Okay now, smile. Oh my gosh, you two are so cute. And I got it. Alright. Now I want to do long ways.

Elizabeth: Mom, come on. We’re going to be late.

Mom: Elizabeth, calm down please. I just want one more.

Dad: Oh wait, I got an idea. I’ll be right back.

Mom: Chris, where are you going?

Dad: I got an idea for the picture. It’s going to be great. Hold on.

Elizabeth: Sorry, Shawn, my parents are being so lame.

Shawn: It’s okay, babe. We got time. Mrs. Sanders, take as many as you want.

Mom: Shawn, I knew I liked you. Alright now, scootch together and smile. One… two…

[Dad walks in with a big shotgun.]

Shawn: Whoa!

Elizabeth: Oh my god, dad!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: What? I saw it on the internet. It’s funny.

Mom: Chris, I told you that we weren’t doing this.

Dad: Oh come on, it’s funny.

Elizabeth: Dad, how is it funny?

Dad: Oh, you know, it’s like, “Hey, Mr. You better not try anything or I’ll shoot you.” Ha-ha. People are doing it. It’s a thing. It’s like, bang!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: Oh, come on, relax. [Dad shoots himself at his penis]

[Ten minutes later]

[Dad is taken to the hospital]

Doctor: Okay, what do we got?

Policeman: Male, age 48. Blew his [bleep] off taking a photo with his daughter.

Doctor: Their prom picture?

Policeman: Yes.

Mom: Chris, we’re right here.

Dad: Did you get it?

Mom: I tried honey, but it’s pretty rough.

Doctor: Is that his–

Mom: Yes. [Mom shows his blown off penis inside a container.]

Dad: Is it alright?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. Looks like we will not be able to reattach.

Dad: Okay. You could probably just do it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I do not think we can do that.

Dad: You can probably reattach it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I don’t think that’s possible.

Dad: But you can just do it though, right?

Doctor: No sir, we can’t.

Dad: Oh god.

Elizabeth: Is my dad going to be okay?

Doctor: I’ll do what I can.

Mom: My god, Chris. How could you be so stupid.

Dad: I wanted to take a funny picture.

Mom: What is funny about holding a gun around kids?

Dad: Cause I don’t want them to have sex.

Mom: They’ve been dating for three years. They’ve had sex.

Dad: What?

Elizabeth: Yes, dad. We’ve done it a lot.

Dad: When?

Elizabeth: Well, you know when we went to Jamaica and you didn’t see us the entire trip?

Dad: Yeah.

Elizabeth: Well, then.

Shawn: Yeah. And do you remember all those times that you wake up and I’m in the kitchen shirtless drinking a gatorade?

Dad: Yeah.

Shawn: Well, those times too.

Dad: Oh, why?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. we’re going into operation. So, we’re going to have to put you under, alright?

Dad: Wait! Wait! Lizzy, I’m sorry I ruined your prom by blowing my [bleep] off with my gun.

Elizabeth: It’s okay, dad.

Dad: And Laura, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and so I blew my little [bleep] off with my big old gun.

Mom: It’s fine, Chris.

Dad: And Shawn, you’re like a son to me. You take good care of my daughter.

Shawn: Thanks Mr. Sanders.

Dad: But tonight out of respect of me, please don’t have sex with each other.

Shawn: Okay. We will, but yeah.

Dad: No, but just tonight, don’t.

Shawn: Yes. We’re going to. But okay.

Dad: Look, just tonight, out of respect for my condition. Please don’t.

Shawn: Yes, sir. We will though. But yeah.

Dad: No. For me, just tonight, don’t.

Elizabeth: You got it, dad. We are, but yeah.

Dad: I’m saying don’t do it.

Elizabeth: You got it.

Shawn: Yeah, we are though.

Dad: I blew my [bleep] off tonight. Please don’t have sex with each other.

[doctor puts oxygen mask on Dad.]

IBS Medicine Ad

Mom… Carey Mulligan

Dad… Mikey Day

Lauren Holt

Janitor… Kenan Thompson

Principal… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Mom and Dad at their son’s school concert. Their son is going to play guitar.]

Female voice: Life’s special moments are meant to be enjoyed. Not spend worrying about your irritable bowel syndrome.

[Mom feels pressure in her stomach]

Mom: [to Dad] I’ll be right back]

Dad: But Ryan’s solo is coming up.

[Mom runs to the toilet]

Female voice: It can strike at any time. Robbing you of life’s special moments. [Ryan looking at his sad being sad] But now, there’s help. [when Mom’s walking back to her seat, Lauren stops her and gives her a pack of pill] With Tremfalta. Tremfalta is a once daily pill that helps control your IBS syndrome. Instead of it controlling you. [Mom takes her seat and now her son is happily playing the guitar]. So you can enjoy more of life’s special moment.

Janitor: [yelling] Oh my god!

All: Shh!

Janitor: Who did this? It is everywhere. On the wall? Ugh!

Female voice: Tremfalta works by slowing your body’s digestive process decreasing the intensity and volatility of bowel movements so you can get back to what really matters.

[Janitor calls principal and shows the bathroom]

Principal: Oh!

Janitor: What did I tell you?

Female voice: Because some of life’s moments are too important to miss.

Principal: Stop the concert. Kids, I’m sorry. Someone has done something very, very bad in the bathroom. Something very disrespectful. [Lauren is shaking her head] Who did this filth?

Dad: [whispering to Mom] Didn’t you go–

Mom: [whispering] Shut the fuck up.

Female voice: Consult your doctor before use. Side effects may include–

Janitor: [yelling] Something is wrong with you, you sick son of a bitch.

Female voice: Side effects may–

Janitor: [yelling] You just lit up the toilet. You just lit the whole damn thing up.

Female voice: Side effects–

Janitor: I have kids! Damn!

Female voice: Never miss a special moment again.

[Mom hugs Lauren and whispers in her ears]

Mom: [whispering] If you say anything, I will destroy your life.

Lauren: What?

Mom: [looking at her family] Wait for mom.

Female voice: With Tremfalta.

Dad: I think we got a star on our hands.

The Grinch

Dad… Mikey day

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Grinch… Pete Davidson

[Starts with story turning book pages.]

Male voice: And what happened then…? Well… in Who-wille they say that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day! He brought back the toys and the food for the feast! And he… he himself… carved the roast beast!

The next morning…

[Cut to a family in the Christmas morning. The kids are at the Christmas tree and their parents walk down.]

Dad: Good morning, kids.

Sister: Good morning, dad.

Brother: Good morning, mom.

Sister: You guys look tired.

Dad: Yeah. Mom and I had a little too much who-punch last night.

Mom: Haven’t partied like that in a while.

Brother: What did you guys do after we went to bed?

Dad: Don’t worry about that, buddy.

Sister: I thought it was so nice that Mr. Grinch came down to celebrate with us yesterday.

Brother: I always thought he was a rotten old meanie who is slimy like a snail, but boy was I wrong. He is great!

Dad: Yeah. He’s a cool guy. Oh, speak of the devil.

[Grinch is walking down the stairs]

Grinch: Morning.

Sister: Did you sleep over, Mr. Grinch?

Brother: And are you wearing my dad’s bathrobe?

Grinch: Well, the reason for that is–

Mom: You know, it was so late and Mr. Grinch lives way up on that curly mountains. And we just thought why not invite him to spend the night here? [Dad and Mom looking at each other happily] With us.

Grinch: Yeah. That’s it.

Brother: Well, wait. There’s only two bedrooms upstairs. Where did you sleep, Mr. Grinch?

Grinch: Someone want to take this one?

Dad: It doesn’t matter where Mr. Grinch slept. What matters is that yesterday, his heart grew three sizes.

Mom: It’s not the only thing that grew three sizes.

Grinch: Kathy. You’re bad.

Male voice: The Who Children puzzled over what had occurred. Unaware that their parents had brought in a third to spice up their marriage, why, it’s a cinch. All you need is some Who punch and a night… with the Grinch.

Grinch: Well, I should probably roll.

Mom: No, no, no. Stay. Have breakfast. I’m making green eggs and bacon.

[Grinch takes a seat in between Dad and Mom]

Grinch: Oh, okay. Well, I am pretty hungry.

Dad: I bet you are. You put in some work last night.

Mom: We all did.

Grinch: Well, if that was work then I guess I love my job.

Sister: What are you guys talking about?

Dad: Nothing. Hey, show Mr. Grinch the toys you got for Christmas, guys.

Brother: Okay.

Sister: Yeah.

Brother: We got whiz boppers, new sneedlers and I don’t know what this is but it looks fun. [pulls out a stick with a pointing hand on top.]

Dad: Okay. Don’t worry about that one, guys. That’s not a fun toy.

Mom: I thought it was pretty fun.

Grinch: Trust me, I remember.

Sister: I’m so tired. You woke me up last night, mommy.

Mom: Oh, no. I did? You didn’t come in our room, right?

Sister: No.

Mom: Oh. Thank god.

Sister: You kept screaming, “You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one.”

Mom: Well, mommy was just having a nightmare.

Brother: Daddy. Were you having a nightmare when you were yelling, “Punish me, my green king? Punish me, my green king?”

Grinch: And that’s my cue. I really should get back to my cave. My little A-hole dogs probably wondering where I am.

Mom: Aw!

Dad: Are you sure?

Grinch: Yeah. But hey, you know, thanks for the memories.

Mom: Well, don’t be a stranger.

[Mom and Grinch hug. Mom doesn’t let go of hug.]

Grinch: I probably should go.

[Dad gets in to hug as well.]

Dad: Well, no ones stopping you.

Brother: What are you guys doing?

Grinch: [yelling at the kids] Go outside and play!

[Dad, Mom and Grinch start making out.]

Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!

Christmas Morning

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with kids waking their parents up in the morning of Christmas.]

Speaker 1: Mom, dad, get up!

Speaker 2: Come on, you guys. Wake up. Wake up.

[musicplaying]

All: It’s Christmas morning. Let’s open up our presents.

BROTHER: Well, I got a Nerf gun!

SISTER: I got a hat!

DAD: I got an autographed baseball bat!

BROTHER: I got a telescope!

SISTER: I got a globe!

DAD: I got a watch!

MOM: And I got a robe!

BROTHER: I got Hulk hands!

DAD: I got a tie!

SISTER: And I got a copy of The Catcher in the Rye!

BROTHER: I got a drum set!

SISTER: I got a phone!

DAD: I got a pen!

MOM: And I got a robe

DAD: I got an outdoor pizza oven!

BROTHER: I got a cameo from McLovin!

SISTER: I got a hoverboard!

BROTHER: I got a drone!

DAD: I got a laptop!

MOM: And I got a robe
Thanks for the robe, it’s really really nice
Thanks for the robe, guys, this is great

BROTHER: I got headphones!

SISTER: I got a wig!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got the piano from Big!

DAD: I got a vintage pinball machine!

MOM: And I’m gonna make us breakfast!
In my brand new robe which I love so much
It’s really really soft! Oh, it’s on sale

SISTER: I got a sword!

DAD: I got shades!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got pairs of rollerblades!

BROTHER: I got a Lego Millennium Falcon!

MOM: And I burned my arm in the oven
It hurt pretty bad, but I didn’t even scream
‘Cause I keep the pain inside of me

ALL: More and more presents
Let’s open up our stockings

BROTHER: Mine has a set of travel games!

SISTER: And mine is stuffed with candy canes!

DAD: Mine has a bottle of nice cologne!

MOM: And mine is completely empty
Just a big, flat sock with nothing inside
I only hang it up ’cause it looks kinda weird
If it’s missing in our pictures

DAD: Hold on now, what’s this I see?

SISTER: A few more presents beneath the tree!

BROTHER: Looks like someone’s got a big surprise

MOM: Oh, you guys really didn’t need to get me–

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s presents for the dog!

BROTHER: He got a bone and a squeaky toy!

DAD: And peanut butter treats

BROTHER AND SISTER: ‘Cause he’s a good boy!

SISTER: So many presents, but he deserves it!

BROTHER AND SISTER: And he got a robe!

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s Christmas morning! Let’s take a family picture!

MOM: John, I don’t have any makeup on. I was up until 4 in the —

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: What a great picture! Let’s post it on the internet!

Male voice:  Your mom does everything for your family. This year, get her more than one present. Moms like stuff, too

BROTHER: Who touched my piano?

MOM: [yelling] It was an accident!