Dan Levy Monologue

Dan Levy

Dorine… Aidy Bryant

Eugene Levy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Levy.

[Dan Levy walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dan: Thank you. Thank you very, very much. I am so honored to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. Somewhere my 13 year old self has fainted in a really needy melodramatic way. Now, the past 12 months have quite literally changed my life in so many ways. Both good and not so good. Some good, people finally started watching our show Schitt’s Creek. And we were fortunate enough to win nine Emmy’s this year. Unbelievable. Beyond dream come true. Though not so good, those Emmy’s were quite literally thrown at us by a stranger in a hazmat suit. The good, I have been getting stopped on the street by all different kinds of people which is new and fun and different. The not so good, those people are mainly screaming “Ew” at me which was the line I wrote for the show that will now haunt me for the rest of my life. But in all seriousness, for all the good and the not so good, I have somehow found myself here on this iconic stage standing in front of all of you, and trust me when I say this, it has only been good here at SNL. It’s as if nothing has changed. Everyone still has that funny, charming sparkle in their eyes. They’re just a little bit safer. In fact, I thought maybe we could do a tour, show you back stage during a pandemic just to show you how much fun we’ve been having. So, walk with me if you will.

[Dan walks to the audience]

We are now here with the audience. [to an audience] Hi. What is your name?

[Dorine walks in with a long measuring stick]

Dorine: I’m sorry. Excuse me sir, six feet please.

Dan: Okay. I’m sorry.

Dorine: No. This is six feet. You were much closer, okay?

Dan: That is my mistake.

Dorine: Well, just think when you want to get chummy, put a noodle in your tummy.

Dan: Understood. Thank you so much. Everyone, this of course is one of our safety officers, Dorine, keeping us safe. While maintaining the magic.

Dorine: Yeah. Just doing my job.

[Dorine walks out]

Dan: Sorry about that again. I’m new here. So, you gotta be safe to have fun. Of course, [walks pass the audience and to the door] famous studio doors.

[Dorine hits Dan with the measuring stick]

Dorine: No pointing.

Dan: Come on!

Dorine: No. Pointing spreads droplets.

Dan: I’m almost certain that is not the case. Sorry, Dorine. We’re gonna move on. Right out here, I’m not going to use my hands, because you know– Anyway– [Dan walks pass the door. There’s anti-viral myst.] Wow, that is cold. I think some of it is anti-viral mist. Taste the bleach. And over here is the famous NBC page desk. [Melissa Villaseñor is getting sprayed with sanitizers at the desk.]

Melissa: Ha-ha-ha. That tickles.

Dan: Okay. I guess it’s been turned into a cast decontamination station. See, things can change here on a dime. Walking over here, oh, what are these? These are portraits of former hosts. I think I know this lady. [pointing at the picture] [Dorine hits Dan with the measuring stick]

Dorine: Sir!

Dan: Come on!

Dorine: No. You were pointing.

Dan: Okay. That hurt. Please don’t do that again.

Dorine: I’m gonna do it.

Dan: I’m on a tour. Right down here, we have some host dressing rooms. This one is Phoebe Bridgers’. Not gonna ask what’s going on in there. Hope everything’s okay. Phoebe, break a leg. She can’t hear me. Let’s see what’s down here. Maybe we’ll run into a cast member. Oh my gosh. It’s a socially distant Kenan! [Kenan is very far away] Hi, Kenan.

Kenan: Hey! Who is that? I’m sorry, I’m wearing a face shield.

Dan: It’s Dan.

Kenan: What?

Dan: Ha-ha-ha. It’s the host of the show, Dan Levy.

Kenan: Oh my goodness. Thank you so much, man. You too.

Dan: The cast are very, very nice here. And I’ve been treated so well and just feel so safe. I mean honestly, just to get to a walk these halls is such a thrill.

[Dan runs into his dad, Eugene Levy. He’s inside a glass box.]

Wait, dad? You came all the way from Los Angeles?

Eugene: Hey, son. Well, look at you. No, I flew in. I flew in to wish you luck tonight, but because I traveled, I am now in this tight isolation box.

Dan: You flew all this way just to watch the show from a weird box?

Eugene: I did not know about the box at the time. No. I found out when I landed.

Dan: Okay. Well, I’d offer to help but we’re live on TV.

Eugene: Well, listen. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Okay? You’ve got enough on your plate tonight.

Dan: Okay. Thanks, dad. Fresh from a plane from Los Angeles, Eugene Levy, everybody.

Eugene: [to the guards] Excuse me. Could one of you turn me towards the stage so I can see the show? Thank you.

Dan: See? Still fun. We have got such a great show for you tonight. Phoebe Bridgers is here. Stick around, we will be right back.

John Krasinski Monologue

John Krasinski

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Krasinski.

[John Krasinski walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow! I am so honored to be hosting the first show of 2021. I genuinely cannot tell you what a huge deal it is for me to be here right now. I have been watching this show since I was eight years old. I was trying to explain that to my kids, what I was doing this week, and I told them, “You know how your favorite show is PAW Patrol? My favorite show is SNL. So, for me, it’s like I’m on PAW Patrol.” And they were like, “What? You’re on PAW Patrol?” And I said, “No, no, no.” They were like, “Oh, well then call us when you’re on PAW Patrol.” So, to actually be here now on this historic stage is nothing sort of mind blowing for me because–

Alex: [from the audience] Hey! Hey, Jim. I have a question.

John: Okay. I guess we’re doing questions now.

Alex: So, my question is you’re Jim from the office?

John: No. I’m actually John. But yes, hello.

Alex: Okay. Follow up question. To the office!

John: I’m not actually sure what that would even look like.

Alex: Hey. Where’s Pam?

John: Alright. Pam is a fictional character. That is where she is. But I am here and I am so excited to be on this stage with all of you. My wife Emily Blunt actually hosted few years ago and she has some great advice. She said, “John, when you go–

Ego: [from the audience] Hi, Jim.

John: Hi. Another question.

Ego: You look different.

John: Thank you very much. I’ve been working out for the part of Jack Ryan. Thank you. Obviously not enough, but —

Ego: No. Yeah, you need to stop it.

John: Stop working out? I’m sorry.

Ego: Yes. Jim is soft.

John: Okay. Well, that’s not really a question.

Ego: Jim sits all day. When you touch Jim, your hand goes in like memory foam.

John: Okay. I’m sorry. But ma’am, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to talk to you anymore.

Kenan: I got a question.

John: Okay.

Kenan: Kiss Pam.

John: Alright. None of these things are really questions, though. Are they?

Kenan: I need you to kiss Pam, that is what I need to see today.

John: Alright. Guys, here’s the deal. Pam’s not real. She’s played by Jenna Fisher. We are friends. We are married to other people.

Kenan: Is your wife here?

John: No. Actually, she’s back in the UK.

Kenan: Well, then kiss Pam.

John: I’m so sorry. Lorne, is there something we can do about all these questions?

[Pete Davidson walks in the stage]

Pete: Hey, John. How are you doing?

John: Hi. Good. It’s going good. It’s going great.

Pete: Oh, I’m sorry, man, about this. I think what’s happening is everyone’s been stuck inside for a year watching “The Office” non-stop. So, Jim and Pam are like, really real for them.

Kenan: Is that Pam?

John: No. Clearly, this isn’t Pam. This is Pete Davidson.

Pete: I think they really need for someone to be Pam.

John: Really? I mean I tried to explain to them that Pam’s not actually–

Pete: I think we gotta give them what they want, Jim. Jim, you gotta kiss Pam.

Alex, Ego, Kenan: Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam!

John: Alright!

[John turns to Pete and kisses him.]

Alex, Ego, Kenan: Yay! Okay, let’s go!

[Alex, Ego, Kenan run away]

John: That did feel really good. Wow. Thank you, Pam. Well, we have a great show for you tonight. Machine Gun Kelly is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Kristen Wiig 2020 Holiday Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Maya Rudolph

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh my gosh. Thank you. It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I consider this home and it is so nice to be home for the holidays. [cheers and applause] Many of you know, I used to work here. I was employee of the month three times. It’s a little bit of a brag. I am happy to say this is the last show of 2020. Yes. What an icky year it has been. But it hasn’t been all that bad. I had twins. [cheers and applause] Yes. Which I find out is two of the same baby. But it has been a hard year. But the good news is on New Year’s day, 2021, everything goes completely back to normal. What? It doesn’t? Oh! Okay. Well, you could have told me that before the show. Glen, look at me. My assistance Glen is here and I think he knows he’s in trouble. Anyway, until then, when I am feeling down, I like to sing one of my favorite Christmas songs about some of my favorite things. Can I get a stool? [music playing] No? Glen, we’re going to have a meeting tonight. I know it’s Christmas, but this isn’t working out. Alright, let’s start the song. I think you all know the words.

[singing] Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
whiskers on babies and babies on buildings
long beards on babies and mittens with wings
these are a few of my favorite things

jackets on ponies and bread on baloneys
hawk and shalhoub are my two favorite Tonys
going to court dressed like lord of the rings
these are a few of my favorite things

When the tree falls, when the bee stings
and the other bee stings
i simply remember I’m allergic to bees
and then I don’t feel my legs

[Maya Rudolph walks in]

Maya Rudolph: Hey, Kristen.

Kristen Wiig: Maya. Truthfully, being on stage with you is one of my favorite things.

Maya Rudolph: Me too, buddy. But I notice that some of the lyrics in your song were incorrect and didn’t make any sense. Do you mind if I sing the real ones?

Kristen Wiig: Oh, no. Please. By all means.

Maya Rudolph: Thank you.

[singing] Pop rocks and hot dogs and mustard on ladies
musical improv of Mr. Wayne Brady
sitting quite nude on an exercise bike
these are just some of the things that I like

Kristen Wiig: When my dog sits

Maya Rudolph: On the ceiling

Kristen Wiig: Coz he’s being bad

Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph: I simply remember my favorite things 
and then I will kiss your dad

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, guys.

Kristen Wiig: Oh my godl

Maya Rudolph: Kurt Cobain.

Kristen Wiig: Kurt McKurtain.

Kate McKinnon: It’s okay. It happens all the time. I’m sorry to interrupt but those are not the words.

Kristen Wiig: Huh?

Maya Rudolph: Say what?

Kate McKinnon: Yes. I was in the laderhosen choir as a child. So, let me do this. These are the actual real words. Okay?

[singing] Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles

Kristen Wiig: Whoa! Whoa! I’m sorry. You have a beautiful singing voice. But those words were crazy.

Maya Rudolph: That’s not cool.

Kristen Wiig: That’s not cool, what you just did.

Maya Rudolph: It’s not okay.

Kristen Wiig: No. Cream colored ponies?

Maya Rudolph: I’m just going say it. That sounds racist.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. I don’t know if I’m allowed to agree with you but I do.

Maya Rudolph: Yes, you do. Coz it’s racist!

Kristen Wiig: Yes.

Maya Rudolph: I can’t believe you would say those things in front of Santa.

Kristen Wiig: And he’s up in show tonight. He is a guest of Lorn’s.

Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry. I don’t understand. Those are the words.

Maya Rudolph: No, no. The way the song works is you say your own favorite things.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. Because these times are so crazy that we’re in and your favorite things are going to get a little crazier too.

Kate McKinnon: Okay. I get it. Now, let’s do that again. Thank you.

[singing] Beef empanadas and beef chimichangas
pork empanadas and a pork chimichangas
chicken fajitas and chicken tacos
these are a few of my favorite though

Maya Rudolph: Much better.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. Much better. Kate, are you hungry?

Kate McKinnon: No. Opposite. I’m very full. I was just listing everything that I just ate.

Kristen Wiig: Well, I love singing with you both. What do you say we take this home?

All: [singing] When the dog bites, ou, it bit me,
please arrest that dog
I simply remember my favorite things
and you two are two of my favorite things
good bye 2020, you really did sink
and now I don’t feel so bad

Kristen Wiig: We have a great show for you tonight. Dua Lipa is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Timothée Chalamet Monologue

Timothée Chalamet

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Timothée Chalamet.

[Timothée Chalamet walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Timothée Chalamet: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Timothée Chalamet and it’s a huge honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live in New York city. Man, I’m so happy to be here. I’m from New York. I live in New York. I actually grew up in an arts building in Hells Kitchen about 12 minutes from here. [cheers and applause] Hells Kitchen crowd. Alright. Before I was born, my mom was a dance teacher, but on occasion she would do background work on Saturday Night live. In fact, we have a clip of her in Dana Carvey and Chris Farley’s sketch, “Massive Head Wound Harry.”

[Cut to a clip from the sketch “Massive Head Wound Harry” where Timothée Chalamet is at the background.]
[Cut back to 1]

Yes! That’s my mom. She almost got spit on by Chris Farley. She’s the reason I’m alive. She’s reason I have an acting career. Mom, I love you. I think she’s right there.

[Cut to Timothée Chalamet’s mom at the audience]
[cheers and applause]
[Cut back to 1]

And no matter where I go, I’ll always be a New York city kid at heart. Especially at Christmas.

[Timothée Chalamet walks to a piano.]

Sorry about that. I’ll play a little song if that’s alright with you guys. It’s nothing like Christmas in New York when you grew up here. Ice skating on the Hudson. Sledding down the side of the Chrysler building. Leaving cookies for Santa in the bathroom at the port of 30 bus terminal. I had my first New Year’s eve kiss with Mr. Met’s daughter, Stacy Met. Sweet girl, big head. The city was my playground and the subway was my babysitter. Nothing like eating Cheetos on the F train on Christmas eve. Umm. You eat a handful, and you hold the pole. Then you lick your fingers. I miss that. Playing hide and seek in Grand Central and never seeing any of your friends ever again. I went to La Guardia. [cheers and applause] Not the school. The airport. I know all the boroughs. Brooklyn, Queens and Boca Raton. Ah! New York! The city’s so nice, they named it New York. And we got another New York city kid on cast. Hey! Look who it is. It’s Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson joins Timothée Chalamet]

Pete Davidson: Hello everybody. Timothée, you smell great.

Timothée Chalamet: Oh, thanks man. Pete, you ss-smell.

Pete Davidson: Cool. Now look, I’m not from that New York. I’m from Staten Island.

Timothée Chalamet: Well, what were your Christmases like?

Pete Davidson: Oh! A Staten Island Christmas. Skiing across the Verrazzano bridge. Hearing Santa come down the chimney and realizing it’s just rats. Decorating our Christmas tree with spaghetti and scratch offs. We don’t leave Santa cookies and milk. We leave them bud light and a white cloth. Yes, that was a Staten Island Christmas.

Timothée Chalamet: Okay, slightly different. But still, that’s New York, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love you, Staten Island.

Timothée Chalamet: And I love you New York city. Hey, we got a great show. Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Jason Bateman Monologue

Jason Bateman

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Bateman.

[Jason Bateman walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jason Bateman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It is such a joy to be here with all of you tonight. Guys, we’re almost there. The year is almost over. Who here has had it with 2020? Boy! But at least we’ve got the vaccine now, right? Who else here had the vaccine already? Just me? I thought there would be a lot of hands up. Listen, it is very, very great to be back here hosting SNL or the second time. The first time was 15 years ago, so you know I made a hell of an impression. Honestly, I was just too busy. I had not one free Saturday for 15 years but I finally freed up. I am very glad to be back here even though something kin of weird happened last time I hosted. I was in a sketch called “Monkeys throwing poop at celebrities” which naturally it had a monkey in it. Now, if the show did that sketch today, they would use a puppet or a kid in a fuzzy suit for safety. Back then, they used a real male adult chimpanzee. This was 2005. Things were loose. Things were so loose that at the end of the show at goodnights, the monkey was allowed to take a bow with us up here. We’re all hugging. We’re saying goodnight. The credits are rolling and then the monkey tried to kill me. Truly.

I bent down to say “Good job” to the monkey being nice. I’m a nice fellow. But not the chimp. The chimp unhinges his jaw. He flashes the teeth and he tries to bite my entire nose off. This is a true story. Apparently, this is a thing with chimps I guess. They hate that humans have faces and they want to remove them. I don’t know. Maybe you got a good look at this nose and thought I wasn’t going to miss half of it. I don’t know. This is not one of those fake ironic monologues story. This really happened right here. We’re going to prove it to you. We’re going to show you a clip. I think we’ve got the clip.

[Cut to the clip of the monologue from 15 years back where Jason Bateman bent down to the monkey.]

Right here. Here it comes. Right? See? So there it is. See? We’ll slow that down. Slow motion. Here it is. I know it doesn’t look like much. Right? It doesn’t look like much. But I had the horror angle. Right? This camera saw the terror. It was terrifying. However, I am smiling. I am smiling, but inside I’m thinking, “A monkey just attacked me and nobody cares.” [in the video, the cast members are just chatting with each other.] [Cut back to Jason Bateman]

They just keep hugging. Anyway, I survive and after the show I was told by the animal handlers that Mikey the monkey wanted to apologize. Truly. My first thought was that this is a trap, he wants more, he’s still snacky. But I decided that everyone deserves a second chance. So, I went down to his dressing room. I open up the door and he’s standing there. He’s looking very ashamed of himself. Honest to god, he shuffles over to me, puts his hand up on my shoulder as if to say “I’m sorry.” It was a very, very beautiful moment. It was a connection between a man and nature that I will never, ever forget. The monkey was destroyed later that night. It was my choice. Lessons have to be learned. But I would like to think that if he was here with us tonight to see me host 15 years later, he would probably rip my nuts off.

But we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Morgan Wallen is here. The chimp is still alive. Stick around, we’re going to be right back

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you all for being here. Pretty incredible day. You know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous. I should tell you that. You can’t tell but all inside. I was thinking about a person I never actually met but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather who apparently by all accounts was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was slave for 10 years of his life. And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children and he learned how to read. He got an MA with education and dedicated his life to three things. Education, freedom of black people and Jesus Christ. Became a juggernaut at AME church. There’s a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had. And I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now. And I wish he could see me. Because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host Saturday Night Live. Netflix started filming a show that bears his name. “Chappelle Show”. And HBO Max is streaming it. And I didn’t get paid for any of it. Yeah. If he could see me now, he probably would be like, “This nigga got bought and sold more than I have.”

This morning after the results came in, I got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.” And I said, “Well, that’s great. But America doesn’t.” Do you guys remember when life was like before covid? I do. Some mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank god for covid. Someone had to lock these murderous whites up and keep them in the house.

All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in small town in Ohio. And a lot of these small towns in America was dying. My town was dying. So, what I did was I did shows in my neighbor’s corn field. And these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town. Ain’t that something? And the local farmers, my neighbors started to complain that my show were too noisy. At a corn field! Too noisy at a corn field. I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in a corn field. It was so embarrassing. And I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough. They don’t know anything. They’re probably watching me right now. They’re probably at home like, “Hon, come quick. Come quick. The guy from the grocery store’s television.” No you big dummy. The guy from the television is at the grocery store. Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. Ever heard of that website, farmersonly.com? Website that begs the question ‘what kind of bitch only smashes with farmers’? That’s gross.

They had a whole Zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting I was just listening. Man, you should have heard them talk about me. They were saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children in bed. And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids were trying to sleep and all they hear is the N word..” I said, “Was I saying it or were you?” He had that twang in his voice. You know that twang when you hear that accent like, “Oh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.”

I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing mask. What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to Walmart too. Wear you Klan hood at Walmart so that we can all feel safe. State like Ohio for instance, right? People make more money from the stimulus checks than they do if they work. So, a lot of people don’t want to work. You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. [talking to an audience] You a black fellow. You young fellow though. You don’t know about Ronald Reagan. Remember Ronald Reagan used to say about black people, welfare people, drug addicts? Who does that sound like now? Stimulus checks, the heroin, and rest of the country is trying to move forward and these white niggas keep holding us back. Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s a it’s oppressive. Try wearing a mask I’ve been wearing all these years. I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it. You guys aren’t ready. You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. Black people were the only ones that know how to survive this. Whites, come, hurry, quick. Come get your nigga lessons. You need us. You need our eyes to save you from yourselves. Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together. It was just white people owning the club, dancing. You ever see that old footage? How did they look? [showing the dance move] You need some black guys to look at you like… [making weird face and shaking head no]

Now, Trump is gone. [cheers and applause] I know a lot of people don’t like him, but I thought that guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I was looking at it like, “Um, there’s bad people on both sides. Alright, just trying them out.” “Call the coronavirus the kung-fu.” I said, “You racist hilarious son of a bitch. I’m supposed to say that. Not you. That’s wrong when you say it. So, I went on a press conference one time. Donald Trump is a wild guy. You ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of coronavirus in front of the whole world. It’s a wild thing to do. “Uh, what about very powerful light directly in the body?” I said, “What? This man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane!” He went further. “Uh, put on some bleach. Bleach directly on your body.” “Oh, boy. Secret service is going to have to childproof the White House now. He’s trying to drink the bleach!” As president, “Don’t touch that stove. It’s hot. Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house, Mr. President.”

Scariest part about that. When a leading virologist in the world was sitting as close as you are to me and she just watched him say it. It’s crazy. Her face was looking like he might be right. She was like, [nodding head] “Umm.” I saw that. I said, “Ooh! That’s why… That’s why… That’s why women make half.” [audience laughing awkwardly] Did I trigger you? I don’t know what it is. Half? Maybe 70%. Whatever it is, it is too much. [audience laughing awkwardly] I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a ‘woke’ meeting in here.

And after all that, you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus. Wasn’t it something? When he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news but you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddy Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?” This guy was running around like an outbreak monkey. He looked like a 1970s penis raw dogging earth. They actually made fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen.” Which is a ridiculous thing. Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t bigger than anybody else’s mask, Mr. President.

Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good healthcare plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage. Helicopter picked him up. Right in his front yard, helicopter came. Remember that video where he’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one to be around. Usually he’s walking with couple of bunch of other people. No one’s around this time because he had the rona. Had his mask on then, didn’t he. We was walking. Helicopter took him to Walter Reede hospital. I’m from DC and I got to tell you. Walter Reede is not close to the White House. But you could walk. Team of doctors is waiting for him. Doctors came around. Gave me experimental medicine and stuff. Flew back home in helicopter and then he walked right up the steps. You ever seen his video? He took his mask off and saluted helicopter. And then walked right in the house, killed four more people. I said, “$700.50 in taxes goes a long way, doesn’t it, sir?” Some cold stuff, man. Some cold stuff. That would be like me going to a homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and say, “These is mine’s”, and then just start eating in front of all the homeless. [chewing] “Don’t let hunger dictate your life.” That was cold, man. Meanwhile, Chris Christie’s fat ass was in the ICU fighting for his life. Chris Christie got all the symptoms. Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that was in Chris Christie’s body. Fat, check. Asthma, check. Diabetes, check. Coronavirus like, “Ummm-ummm.”

Herman Cain’s black ass has been dead for two weeks. Where was his secret cerom? That’s your leader. Think about that. For four years. That’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man! And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but been a black a longtime, I’ve known this badder.

But if you’re a good white, you actually want to help, then join me. I’m not even joking. It’s my plan. It’s called the ‘Kindness Conspiracy’. Just random acts of kindness for black people. Do something nice for a black person just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. It’s very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. The same way all them years, they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black and they didn’t deserve it. If you’re driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on a corner selling crack, destroying his community, buy him an ice cream. Just buy him an ice cream. He’ll be suspicious but he’ll take it.

I would employ everybody who’s celebrating the day to remember it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago. Remember how bad that felt? Remember half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t, let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you I know how that feels. If you’re a police officer and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them, oh man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest fight through. You have to find a way to live your life. You have to find a way to forgive each other. You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that, come get these nigga lessons. Thank you very much and goodnight.

John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fourth time. Thank you. It’s the most anyone has ever hosted. Happy Halloween to all of you and thank you for coming to this. Thank you to everyone here who did so much work to make something happen because nothing had been happening for so long. We all really appreciate it. My name is John Mulaney. I am a comedian, or as I like to call us ‘The last responders’.

I live in New York city. I love New York city. And I love that you’re all wearing masks. But I’m a little sad about masks in New York city because it prevents you from over hearing conversations on the streets and that is one of the city’s greatest joys. Just before covid hit, this was in December, I was downtown. I was on West 12th street. And I was walking downtown and I was on West 12th. I’m walking this way and this guy is walking towards me. And he’s on his cellphone. And we’re both downtown. And as he walks pass me, I hear him go, “No, no, no, I can’t meet right now. I’m way up town.” And then he looked at me and he winked and he kept walking. He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever seen in my life.

A lot of people were binge watching shows during quarantine. I watched the series that I absolutely loved. It was an hour long dramady called ‘The Daily Press Conferences of Governor Andrew Cuomo’. Yes. He’s great. It told the story of an Italian American father who after being an empty nester finds himself quarantining with his two daughters. High Jinks Ensue. But he learns a lot about being a father and a little it about being a governor. I loved those press conferences. He would walk out everyday a little too excited and he’d sit down and go, “Today is Tuesday.” A hint of pride that he remembered the day as if back stage, one of his gibronis was like, “There’s no way you’re remembering the day.” “You watch me.” He’d get out there and he’d start his rhythm. It would be like, “We are New York though. And we are New York though because we are New York strong. And we are New York strong because we are New York kind.” He was talking like Smurf language after a while. “New Yorkliness is very New York to New Yorkers.” What Cuomo did what was brilliant was that he tried to relate to us with his own problems. Like, sometimes, he’s be talking about a situation we were all going through. And it was clearly just some stuff going down in the Cuomo household at that moment. He’d be like, “I know. We’re all trying to figure this out. Let’s say your brother’s wife wants to take the kids to see grandma. You go, ‘They can’t see grandma. Grandma is vulnerable. She’s elderly.’ But she says, ‘Well, what if the kids come halfway in the house and she stays in the other side of the kitchen?’ I’m going, ‘It’s airborne, this thing. You can’t have grandma even in the kitchen.’ She says, ‘Well, it’s important for the kids to see their grandma.’ I go, ‘you gavone bitch, if you bring your kids even into the mud room of my mother’s house, I will break your neck and bury you in the rockaways.'”

I am worried that when the coronavirus is over, that Cuomo won’t realize that his show is over. Like, I’m scared he’ll take it on the road and try to play stadiums and come out and be like, “Hey, who wants to hear about my daughter’s boyfriend?” And everyone’s like, “Play covid!” And by the way, he’s not even the least weird– He’s our least weird politician in America. He’s on like, 45 of the weird ones. I’m supposed to make an announcement. On November 3rd, there is an elderly men contest. There’s two elderly men and you’e supposed to choose your favorite of the two elderly men. You can put it in the mail or you can go and write down which elderly man you like. And then we’ll add them all up. And then we might have the same elderly man or we might have a new elderly man. But just rest assured, no matter what happens, nothing much will change in the United States. The rich will continue to prosper while the poor languish. Families will be upended by mental illness and drug addiction. Jane Lynch will continue to book lots of projects. When she does, she will deliver. She is so good at being on TV. Very good. That will continue. But there will be problems. There will be sleepovers where five of the girls gang up on one of the girls and they bully the girl. And the girl they’re bullying, the girl having the sleepover didn’t even want to invite but her mom made her, and that’s really the root of the tension. They bully her until she’s crying and then she wants to go home. So the parents of the girl having the sleepover have to call the unpopular girl’s parents and say, “Can you come pick her up?” And then there’s that moment where the dad has to sit at like, the dining room table while they wait for the pick up and he’s in pajamas and the outcast is in her winter coat looking kind of stoic. They have nothing to talk about. So, he tries to apologize for the fact that his daughter is a bitch. He kind of implies that she gets it from the wife. All of that will still continue. It is America. But you should vote. You got to vote. Vote as many times as you can. Vote. Fill in every circle, every dot they have, fill them in. And if a page says, “This page was intentionally left blank”, you write whatever you want on that. That’s your space as an American.

Now, my Nana is going to vote and she’s 94 years old. [cheers and applause] Oh! Yes. Do you applaud for things that you don’t think are a good idea? Listen, this is my opinion. I don’t think it’s going to be that popular. Why don’t we shut the doors so no one hears it? I don’t think maybe she should vote. You know, you don’t get to vote when you’re 94 years old! You don’t get to order for the table when you’re about to leave the restaurant. I’m sorry, that joke is agist. That is wrong. It is wrong to say one age group is better than another. That would be like calling yourselves the greatest generation. “Oh, we fought the Nazis!” “Well, we’re trying to fight the new Nazis if you’d get out of the way and stop voting for people you saw in between coin collector commercial.”

Listen, but I love my grandma. I love my Nana. When you’re a kid, you just love your grandma just totally. And as you get older, you start to wonder about her relationship with her mother. You’re like, “Why does that old lady make mom so nervous? Something must have happened there.” But my nana is a great eccentric wonderful person. I’ll tell you a story. When she was 88 years old, she didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She was still driving at 88. That’s not even a point of the story. She didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She thought it was unflattering. And I take her side in this. I also thought it was unflattering mainly because it was a photo of an 88 year old woman. So, her plan was this. She was going to go to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV, and tell them that she lost her license. So, she went to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV, and she said, “I lost my license and I need a new license and a new photo.” And the guy there said, “Do you have any proof of ID?” And she took out her license. And then as she told me, “We stared at each other for a moment. And then I said, ‘You’ve caught me in a lie’, and I took my license and left.”

I couple of summers ago, I was with my nana. It was a family reunion and I had to walk her to her car after like I had to. Not like when you walk a bridesmaid and there’s no stakes. I had to hold her up. So, I walked her to her car. She’s got like, a brown grey car. No brand. I think the government gave it to her. And we get to the car door and she opens it and she looks at me and she says, “You know, I used to be Carolyn Stanton. But now, everyone says I’m John Mulaney’s grandmother. Well, I want you to know that if I wasn’t your grandmother, I wouldn’t know who you are. Sorry.” And then she drove off.

We have a great show for you tonight. The Strokes are here, ladies and gentlemen. Stick around. We’re going to be right back.

Adele Monologue

Adele

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Adele.

[Adele walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Adele: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening and welcome to Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] Hello, it’s me. And my god, I’m absolutely thrilled to finally be hosting this show. Not only do I genuinely love this show, but the show that brought my career here in America 12 very long years ago. You see, I was a musical guest back in 2008 when Sarah Palin came on with miss Tina Fey. So obviously, few million people tuned in to watch it and well, the rest is now history. Now, I don’t know anything about American politics. I mean, I’m British. And I don’t want to say too political. So, I’ll just say this. Sarah Palin, babes, thanks for everything, yeah. Now, I know there has been a lot of chatter about me just being the host. I’ve seen all of it. Like, “Why isn’t she the musical guest?” and stuff like that. There’s a couple of reasons. My album’s not finished. And I’m also too scared to do both. I’d rather just put on some wigs, and this is all mine by the way, have a glass of wine or six and just see what happens. Who knows? I know I look really, really different since you last saw me. But actually because of all the covid restrictions and the travel bans, I had to travel light and I bring only half of me. This is the half that I chose. [cheers and applause]

Listen, I’m nervous. You know what I’m like. I always get very nervous on live TV. But tonight specially so because I swear a lot. Like ‘a lot’ a lot. And because I’m British, I tend to skip right on all those medium ones and go straight to the worst ones. Last time I was told not to swear, specifically during a live broadcast, I was playing glass ton bury and this is what happened.

[Cut to video clips of Adele’s live show where she is swearing a lot]

Honestly, I don’t even notice that I’m doing it anymore. But to keep myself in check tonight, we’ve got a swear jar. So, let’s check in on that and see how I’m doing so far. Kenan darling, where we at?

[Cut to Kenan. There’s a huge container instead of a jar and it’s filled with dollar bills.]

Kenan: Um, getting pretty full, Adele. This is just from when you said ‘hi’ to me back stage.

Adele: Oh, wow. Alright. Sorry. Well, let’s make sure that all that goes to charity.

Kenan: Oh, Adele. What would we do without Adele?

Adele: [laughing] Before we really start the show, I want to say a genuine, sincere thank you to the frontline workers who are all here down here in the audience. They say that once you’ve been to New York, you keep a little piece of it in your heart forever. So, I give up to you and give up to yourselves as well. Thank you. Right. Whether you’re here in the studio or watching t home, we’re going to be together for an hour and half. So, I really, really hope that you get as much joy of this as we’ve had putting it together for you. We’ve got a great show. H.E.R. is here. Divine H.E.R. is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Issa Rae Monologue

Issa Rae

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Issa Rae.

[Issa Rae walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Issa Rae: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. This is incredible. It’s so crazy to be here right now. I cannot believe it that I’m hosting Saturday Night Live, y’all. I can’t believe I just walked down the stairs, the same stairs as the comedy legends like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler and Molly Shannon. Like, my family, all of our inside jokes are from SNL. This is incredible. And actually, I’m so scared right now. I’m scared as hell. I’m not going to lie. I might throw up. But I’m going to hold it down because I’m the first black to host SNL. [cheers and applause] Wait, that’s actually not true. Y’all really clap quick. What if I just kept lying to y’all all night and y’all wouldn’t even notice. But if this show goes bad tonight, just blame it on me, Mary J. Blige. I was actually supposed to host this show back in March when I had two movies and season four of my show ‘Insecure’ coming out. [cheers and applause] Thank you. But now I’m here and there really is no reason. I have nothing going on at all. People keep asking me, “What have you been working on? And I’m like, “Um, puzzles, bitch. I don’t know. What have you been working on, since you all in my business?”

But my show premiered exactly four years ago this month right before the last election. Yes. It was crazy because the results came in and of course everyone was freaking out. I was freaking out. It just felt really awkward from my life to be going so good, like, it was rude for me to be peaking right when democracy was collapsing. It’s just weird to say, “Thank god for what happened in the fall of 2016.”

When I first got a TV show, I thought everything would feel so different, but it really just felt like high school. The show was kind of based on a web series I did back in the day called “The misadventures of an awkward black girl.” You know what it is. Honestly, that’s how I felt all the time. Just awkward and black. I felt like a freshman that first year. And I see all the clicks and the cool girls. I wanted to be friends with them. I even dealt with bullies some times which you guys know as Twitter. Twitter can be so scary. Sometimes, being dragged in social media feels like a low stakes horror movie where when you’re on it, it feels like, [squeaky voice] “Oh my god, ah! They’re coming for me. What am I going to do?” And then your battery dies and then you’re like, “Oh, guess I’ll just go outside.”

Now, I’m in my senior year and I felt like I learned a lot. I learned how to do the “Oh my god, hey.” That’s when you see someone at a Hollywood event and you have four seconds to remember their name, so you buy a little time by starting with, “Oh my god, hey. Look at you.” And if they call me out on it like, “Come on, Issa. You know me.” I just go, “Excuse me. I’m Mary J. Blige, racist.”

But if doing my show for the last four years is like high school, then hosting SNL is my prom and you guys are all my dates. [cheers and applause] And I’m ready to go all the way. We got a great show for you guys. Justin Bieber is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Bill Burr Stand-Up Monologue

Bill Burr

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr.

[Bill Burr walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Speaker Bill Burr: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Wow, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. I am so excited to be here. I have been doing stand-up forever. And this has always been a life long dream of mine to come here and host Saturday Night Live. So, thank you so much for coming out during these difficult times. You guys all look like surgeons with your masks on. Makes me feel comfortable that you’re wearing masks. I like people who wear masks. That’s good. You’re listening to the egg heads, the people who we all cheated off of in high school, right? Keep listening to them. And then if you don’t wear a mask, that doesn’t bug me either. Right? Take out your grandparents. You know? Take out your weak cousin with the asthma. I don’t care. It’s your decision. There’s too many people. It’s a dream come true. If you’re that dumb and you wanna kill your own family members, by all means, do it. Stops you from reproducing. It’s literally a dream come true. And speaking of dreams come true, did you see Rick Moranis got sucker punched on the Upper West side? New York is back, baby. New York is back. Yes. We lost our edge there for a minute. City started looking like a giant Bed Bath & Beyond, and then bam! Oh, Ricky took one in the chops. It had to happen. It had to happen. That’s what happens when you stick in M&M’s store at Time Square. Alright? The universe has to balance itself. Get the peep show back in Time Square, old people can walk safely 40 blocks away.

I don’t know. I’ll probably get canceled for doing that joke. How stupid is that cancel thing? They’re literally running out of people to cancel. They’re going after dead people now. They’re trying to cancel John Wayne. It’s like, god did that 40 years ago. They’re all up in arms. “Did you hear what he said in that interview in Playboy in 1970? Can you believe that?” It’s like, “Yeah. He was born in 1907. That’s what these people sounded like.” You never talk to your grandparents and brought up the wrong subject? And all of a sudden it went off the rails like, “Oh! Grandma! Just keep making the cookies.” Yeah. You don’t bring up race or religion with your grandparents. You keep it simple. Anyway, I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess my grandparents were older. I don’t know.

Ploughing ahead. Ploughing ahead, let’s talk white women here. Shall we? Let’s talk white women. White women, you’re amazing. Amazing. Your accomplishments over the last few years. I gotta tell you, the way white women somehow hijacked the ‘woke’ movement, generals around the world should be analyzing this. Just to refresh your memory, the ‘woke’ movement was supposed to be about people of color not getting opportunities, things that they deserve, finally making that happen. And it was about that for about 8 seconds. And then somehow white women swung their Gucci booted feet over the fence of oppression and stuck themselves at the front of the line. I don’t know how they did it. I’ve never heard so much complaining in my life from white women. “My life is so hard. Ah! With my SUV in my heated seats. You have no idea what it’s like to be me.” Trashing white guys. The nerve… where’s the camera at? [He looks around for the camera, then he’s pointing at the camera.] The nerve of you white women.

Listen, I don’t want to speak ill of my bitches here, okay? I don’t. But let’s go back in history here, okay? You guys stood by us toxic white males through centuries of our crimes against humanity, you rolled around in the blood money and occasionally when you wanted to sneak off and hook up with a black dude, if you got caught you said it wasn’t consensual. Yeah! That’s what you did. That’s what you did. So, why don’t you shut up, sit down next to me and take your talking to. [applause] Thank you.

So, I haven’t been in New York for about a year. I was here last year. I was shooting a movie. I had a great time with Judd Apatow, Pete Davidson and all the guys. Yeah, had a great time. And I hadn’t been here for like, 13 years and I immediately noticed how extra crowded this city was. And I was getting all claustrophobic. I’m like, “What’s going on? I’m like, “Some people not using safe sex and making all these babies?” So, I finally walked up to this old New York door guy and I was just like, “Dude, what’s going on? What’s with all these people here?” And he was just like, “Oh, no, no. Don’t worry. It’s June. It’s Pride month.” And I’m like, “What’s that?” I’m 52. I never heard of it, right? Didn’t have that when I was a kid. He goes, “It’s gay pride month.”And I was just like, “Oh!” Dude, you know when you’re just like, stuck in the matrix and you just can’t– [keeping his palm very close to his face.] everything’s just pressed up, you can’t see anything. And then somebody gives you that little nugget of information that just pulls it back? Like, “Why is it so crowded?” “It’s gay pride month.” “Oh! Tank tops! 0% body fat. Two guys kissing. Rainbow flags. Oh!” I didn’t know that. That’s what I learned. The month of June is gay pride month. That’s a little long, don’t you think? For a group of people that were never enslaved? How did they get all the June? Dude, black people were actually enslaved, they get February. They get 28 days of overcast weather. Sun goes down at 4 in the afternoon. Everybody’s shivering. Nobody wants to go on the parade. Yeah. How about you hook them up with July? These are equator people. Give them the sun for 31 days. There’s gay black people, they can celebrate from June 1st, July 31st, 61 days of celebrating.

Alright, that’s all my time. We got a great show for you guys everybody. Jack White is here. It’s gonna be amazing. Please stick around, we’ll be right back.