Anya Taylor-Joy Monologue

Anya Taylor-Joy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Anya Taylor-Joy.

[Anya Taylor-Joy walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Anya Taylor-Joy: Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Goodness, it is such an honor to be here hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. And this show is even more special because it’s the first time this year, we have a completely full audience fully vaccinated. But if you’re feeling nervous sitting so close to another person, just picture them naked. Wait, just kidding. We’ve all been inside for a year. Everybody is picturing everybody naked. Now that you’re hearing my accent, you may be surprised to know I was born in Miami, raised between– [cheers] Oh, nice. Raised between Argentina and London, and my first language is Spanish. So, legally my ethnicity is fashion week.

I was lucky enough to be on a show called “The Queen’s Gambit”. I’m so proud of it. For those of you who didn’t see it, what were you doing all quarantine? It was “Tiger King” and “Queen’s Gambit”. That was the only new TV for months. I’m happy to say that after watching the show, millions of people bought chess sets and dozens of them actually learned how to play. But if you’re one of those people that think chess is too difficult, don’t worry, it’s not. And I’m going to teach you a secret I learned on this show. So, no matter what your skill level is, your very first chess move should always be this. [putting her both hands below her chin] And if you’re really advanced, you just do one of these. [she puts her both hands below her chin again, and this time raises her eyebrows.] And that’s how you play chess, guys.

Being on the Queen’s Gambit really helped me prepare to host SNL. I just thought, “Okay, if I get nervous, I’ll take a handful of green pills and follow the cue cards and the dots. [music playing] Oh, wait. It’s kicking in now. Um-hmm. [she looks above]

[Cut to all cue cards being mumble-jumbled in the air. Then the cue cards form a chess board. The Chess pieces have SNL cast members’ faces on them.]
[Cut back to Anya Taylor-Joy]

Okay, if you saw that, that means you did drugs too.

Before we begin, it would mean the world to me to start the show in my native language, so you guys don’t mind, do you? Is that okay?

[cheers and applause]

In which case… [foreign language]

We will be right back.

Keegan-Michael Key Monologue

Keegan-Michael Key

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Keegan-Michael Key.

[Keegan-Michael Key walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Keegan-Michael Key: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, wow. Man, this has been an incredible week, folks. Masks are coming off. What? Life is getting back to normal. And I am hosting SNL. What? I have been a super fan of this show ever since I was a little kid. I grew up a block south of 8-mile road in Detroit and I used to sneak down stairs to watch SNL every week. And if you had told that kid that one day he would be standing here on this stage, he’d probably would have been too busy stealing your wallet to have heard what you said, but I’e come a long way since then and I am so honored to be here. And because of that, I am going to make the most of it.

[music playing] [singing] I’m going to do it all tonight
every single SNL thing tonight
sketches and voices and song tonight
like the one I’m singing now

Oh, costume change.

[he pulls out his outfit, but inside, he’s wearing the same thing.]

Right? I mean, I know. It’s the same outfit but come on, it’s a really great tuxedo.

[singing]

I’m going to have a blast tonight
kiss every member of the cast tonight

and thins will be complete tonight
till I get a tattoo from Pete tonight.

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete: Alright. I’m ready, man. Take your pants off.

Keegan-Michael Key: What? Maybe we’ll do that after the show.

Pete: Ah! That’s what Elon said, man.

Keegan-Michael Key: [singing] I’m going to go for broke tonight
really hope that I don’t choke tonight
but if I do it’s okay tonight
because I’m still getting paid.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily: Hey, Keegan.

Keegan-Michael Key: Cecily! I am so glad you’re here. I was so worried they were going to send some big celebrity to help me with my monologue.

Cecily: No. Just me. I just came out to say we got a ton of shows. So, maybe just jump to the finale?

Keegan-Michael Key: Oh. Okay. Yes.

[singing] Interesting idea
Thanks for the suggestion
but what if instead I let the audience ask me a question?

Yes, you sir.

Guy: Hi, big fan. What was it like winning an Oscar for “Get Out”?

Keegan-Michael Key: Oh! So close. Yes. Try again.

Guy: Who is your favorite cast member?

Keegan-Michael Key: Oh, that’s good.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan: Oh! Are my ears burning?

Keegan-Michael Key: Wow, Kenan. Are you joining me to sing a verse?

Kenan: Actually, no. I just wanted to stand next to you so that everybody can see that we are two different people. And we have two different names.

Keegan-Michael Key: Yes. That is true. I am Keegan with a G.

Kenan: Yes. And I am Kenan with an N, as in Kenan has been in S-N-L or many, many years.

Keegan-Michael Key: So, now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s bring it home.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Kenan and Cecily: [singing] He’s going to do it all tonight

sketches and voices and songs tonight

Keegan-Michael Key: [singing] Nothing can possibly go wrong tonight

All: Coz everything’s coming up, Keegan
now let’s start the show

Keegan-Michael Key: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Olivia Rodrigo is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Elon Musk Monologue

Elon Musk

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Elon Musk.

[Elon Musk walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Elon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s an honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I mean that. Sometimes, after I say something, I have to say “I mean that” so people really know I mean it. That’s because I don’t always have a lot of intonation or variation in how I speak. Which I’m told makes for great comedy. I’m actually making history night as the first person with Aspergers to host SNL. [cheers and applause] Or at least the first to admit it. So, I won’t make a lot of eye contact with the cast tonight. But don’t worry, I’m pretty good at running ‘human’ in emulation mode.

I’d first like to share with you my vision for the future. I believe in a renewable energy future. I believe that humanity must become a multi planetory space baring civilization. Those seem like exciting goals, don’t they? Now I think, if I just posted that on Twitter, I’d be fine. But I also write things like [Cut to Elon Musk’s tweet] “69 days after 4/20 again haha”. [Cut back to Elon Musk] I don’t know. I thought it was funny. That’s why I wrote ‘haha’ at the end.

Look, I know I sometimes say or post strange things, but that’s just how my brain works. To anyone offended, I just want to say I reinvented electric cars and I’m sending people to Mars in a rocket ship. Did you think I’m also going to be a chill normal dude?

Now, a lot of times people are reduced to the dumbest thing they ever did. Like one time, I smoked weed on Joe Rogan’s pocast. And now, all the time I hear, “Elon Musk, all he does is smoke weed on podcast.” Like I go to podcast to podcast lighting up joints. It happened once. It’s like producing OJ Simpson to “Murderer”. That was one time. Fun fact, OJ also hosted the show in 79, and again in 96. Killed both times.

One reason I’ve always loved SNL is because it’s genuinely live. A lot of people don’t realize that. We’re actually live right now. Which means I could say something cruelly shocking like, “I drive a Prius”.

SNL is also a great way to learn something new about the host. For example, this is my son’s name. [His son’s name appears on the screen] It’s pronounced – cat running across keyboard.

Another thing people want to know is what was I like as a kid? The answer is pretty much the same as now but smaller. But we’ll also ask my mother who is here tonight.

[Elon Musk ‘s mother walks in] [cheers and applause]

Her name is Maye, like a month but with the ‘e’ at the end.

Elon’s Mom: Thanks for spelling my name, Elon.

Elon: Mom, do you remember when I was 12 and I created my own video game called ‘Blast Star’ about a space ship that battles aliens?

Elon’s Mom: I do. I remember they paid you $500 but you were too young to open a bank account, so I had to open one for you.

Elon: That’s right. What happened to that bank account?

Elon’s Mom: That’s not important. You turned that video game about space into reality.

Elon: Unless you consider that our reality might be a video game and we’re all just computer simulations being played by a teenager on another planet.

Elon’s Mom: That’s great, Elon. Well, break a leg tonight. I love you very much.

Elon: I love you too, mom.

Elon’s Mom: And I’m excited for my Mother’s Day gift. I just hope it’s not Dogecoin.

Elon: It is. It sure is. Okay. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Carey Mulligan Monologue

Carey Mulligan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Carey.

[Carey walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Carey: Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh my goodness. Thank you. So wonderful to be here. They just told me I’m the first English person to ever host this show. And I’m saying that out loud, I realize that couldn’t possibly be true. Forget I said that. People in America are always saying the nicest things to me. Like, “I loved you in ‘Brokeback Mountain’. You were amazing in ‘Fosse/Verdon’.” And I used to say, “Oh, sorry. That’s Michelle Williams.” But now, I just say, “Thank you. I am Michelle Williams.”

I spent the last year at quarantining in the English country side with my husband and my two small children which is the beginning of the most horror movies. So, it’s very exciting to be somewhere where shops are open. Yes. Very exciting. I never thought I’d say this, but walking into a banana republic was a magical experience. Big day for me. I’m used to working on these really dramatic films. But then production stopped for a year. So instead, I had to channel all of that dramatic energy into my children’s bedtime stories. They became a lot longer. Lots of recently divorced dragons and unicorns with secret pill habits. My kids would be like, “Mum, please. It’s two in the morning. Let us sleep.”

So, I’m very excited to be here tonight and let some of that energy out. I’m also very excited to be here because my husband was actually musical guest three times, Marcus Mumford from the band ‘Mumford and sons’. Or as I like to call it, ‘my husband and sons’. But he couldn’t be here tonight. So, he’s at home watching the children. So, hi babe, love.

Marcus: Love you too. Hi, Carey. It’s me. It’s me Marcus Mumford from the band ‘Mumford and sons’.

Carey: Yes, darling. I know. What a surprise. Hello. Lovely to see you. Um, where are the kids?

Marcus: I left them with the sons. Couldn’t miss this for the world. You’re going to smash it, really, SNL. This is amazing.

Carey: Thank you, darling.

Marcus: Just be sure to soak in because after it’s over, you’re going to think about it all the time. Like, all the time.

Carey: Okay. Good to know.

Marcus: And I meant to ask, do you know if they’ve booked a musical guest for tonight?

Carey: They did. Yes.

Marcus: Okay, you’re sure?

Carey: Yes. Quite sure.

Marcus: Well, if they end up needing anyone, I’m very happy to do it.

Carey: That’s generous. But I think we’ve got it covered.

Marcus: [putting his guitar belt on] Really? I have my guitar just so–

Carey: I won’t. Thank you darling. But before we begin, I would just like to say a massive [Marcus starts playing guitar] thank you to the– Babe? Babe? Babe?

Marcus: Sorry. I thought you were giving me the signal.

Carey: What signal?

Marcus: Our secret couple signal for ‘please play the guitar’.

Carey: I’m alarmed that you think we have that. Come on, you’re being that guy who takes an acoustic guitar out at a party.

Marcus: People love that guy.

Carey: Alright. How about this? Do you remember the bit of the end of monologue where the host says the musical guest and that we have a great show and we’ll be back– [Marcus gets on the stage] Whoa!

Marcus: I do. I really do.

Carey: Okay. Would you like to play the guitar while I say that part?

Marcus: Extremely yes.

[Marcus start splaying guitar]

Carey: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Kid Cudi is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Daniel Kaluuya Monologue

Daniel Kaluuya

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Kaluuya.

[Daniel Kaluuya walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Daniel Kaluuya: Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I can’t believe it’s Saturday Night Live in New York city. My name is Daniel Kaluuya. First of all, I know you’re hearing my accent and thinking, “Oh no, he’s not black. He’s British.” And I assure you that I am black. And black and I’m British. Basically, I’m what the royal family was worried the baby would look like. People ask me what’s worse? British racism or American racism? Let me put it this way. British racism is so bad, white people left. They wanted to be free. Free to create their own kind of racisms. So then, that’s why they invented Australia, South Africa and Boston. My family is from Uganda. Anyone from Uganda here? [audience cheering “Whoo”] That’s my auntie. She is here. I come from a big Ugandan family. It’s no joke. My mum’s one of 22 kids and my dad’s one of 49. My family sperm is literally about that life. They say black don’t crack, but condoms do.

I just betrayed the leader of Illinois chapter of the Black Panther party. A man who created strategies for free education, free healthcare and free breakfast for kids. His name is Chairman Fred Hampton. I actually won a Golden Globe for that role. But wait, it was on Zoom. And this is what happened.

[Cut to Golden Globe program happening on Zoom.]

Host: And the Golden Globe goes to Daniel Kaluuya, “Judis and the Black Messiah.”

[cheers and applause] [Daniel Kaluuya appears on the Zoom screen. He is speaking, but he has muted himself.]

Host: As you can see, unfortunately we have a bad connection.

[Cut back to Daniel Kaluuya]

Daniel Kaluuya: I was muted. Can you believe that? I told the best joke of my life and I was muted. I felt like I was in a psycho place. Now, before we get started, I just want to say how grateful I am to be here. When I was nine years old, I wrote a play that got performed in Hampshire with real actors and everything. This is a true story. That play was based on Kenan and Kel. Yes. And that play let me down a path that got me to this stage tonight Kenan back stage right now. So, I just want to take this moment for Kenan and whole world to say “Thank you mum, thank you god, and thank you Kel.” We’ve got a great show. St. Vincent is here. Stick around and we will be right back.

Maya Rudolph Monologue

Maya Rudolph

Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Lauren Holt

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Maya.

[Maya walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Maya: Thank you. Thank you so much. It makes me so happy to be here in the place that I love. I can’t tell you. Specially after a year that has been, shall we say, a real kick in the clam. But it feels like we’re starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. You know? People are getting the vaccine. My parents got their’s. I’m really happy to report that. It’s spring, so, goodbye sweater weather, and hello leather weather? Some of you may know me because, well, I used to work here. And some of you may know me by the name Mommy, because I gave birth to you. I have four incredible kids and they’re all here tonight. Don’t make me cry. And just a heads up to my kids, tonight mommy’s gonna put on a lot of wigs, okay? And do a lot of weird voices, so it’s just gonna be like a typical day at home. I’ll just be wearing a bra. My kids are actually really huge fans of the show and having them here in the place where I grew up is so special. And it has me thinking about the new kids in the cast are starting out. And I feel like it’s my duty as an elder to impart to them the lessons I’ve learned on the stage. So, can I get the new cast out here? Send them out.

[Andrew, Punkie and Lauren walk to the stage]

Lauren: Hi, Maya. We’re so excited to have you here.

Maya: I know you are, baby. Come close. Mama won’t bite. Band, can you play some music to talk to babies too? [lullaby music playing] Let me tell you something. I am a big fan of all of you. You people are so talented, so unique. And I remember all your names. [pointing at Andrew] Chirpie, [pointing at Punkie] Little Deedee and [pointing at Lauren] Chalisto Vagina.

Lauren: Well, that’s not my name.

Maya: Please don’t talk. Now, I started on this show back in the year 2000. How old were you on the year 2000, Chirpie?

Andrew: Five.

Maya: You know what? Get him out of here. Get the hell out. [securities take Andrew away from the stage] So much better without Chirpie, isn’t it, girls?

Lauren: I guess.

Punkie: Absolutely.

Maya: Now, back in my day, things were a lot different. Let me see if I can remember. It was so long ago and my brain is a little foggy. Because I’ve been electrocuted one too many times.

Punkie: What?

Maya: Yes, my toaster keeps falling into the bath. What can I say? I like hot baths and I like hot toast. Let me tell you about the cast back then. See, I was the shy one. I was so nervous, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. Oh, but Rachel Dratch, she was the princess. She was so perfect with the red hair and all the freckles. But she just did “16 candles”, so she had a lot of heat.

Lauren: She did?

Maya: Zip it. Now, Jimmy. Oh, Jimmy was the bad boy. Always strutting around in his jean jacket and his fingerless leather gloves. He was 100% trouble and 100% hot stuff. And the jock? Oh, he was none other than Mr. Emilio Estevez.

Punkie: Um, are you talking about the breakfast club?

Maya: Quiet! Now, Lorne. Hah, Lorne. He was the principle and he made us coming on Saturdays as punishment. He always said, “Don’t mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns. And I’d get so nervous, I’d just shake may hair and make my dandruff fall over my papers. You know, like, snow.

Lauren: Okay. That’s Allie Sheedy.

Maya: Oh! Oh, Calista. I hope you’re funny because you’re very stupid. The point is, we became family. Then right at the end, Jimmy punched his fist in the air and everything froze. And hundreds of names just scrolled all over his face. [singing] La-la-la-la-la. Then he did bride-maids. Some of the details are a little hazy. The point is no matter how tough things get, you kids are gonna be alright. We’re all gonna be alright.

All: Yeah!

[singing]

la-la-la
la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la

Maya: We’ve got a great show. Jack Harlow is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

RegéJean Page Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Regé-Jean Page.

[Regé-Jean Page walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Regé-Jean Page: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Welcome to the show. My name is Regé-Jean Page. You can call me Regé-Jean Page. Get comfortable with it. Now, you probably recognized me from Bridgerton, the show that made everyone turn to their mom and say, “You know what? Never mind. I don’t think we should watch this together.” It’s a bit of a racy show. And because of that, people may associate me with being this smoldering sensual smokeshow of a man. But I assure you, I’m just a regular guy. [Cut to close up shot of Regé-Jean. He is speaking in husky voice and romantic music is playing.] And I’m here to show you a good time. I just want to have fun together. To explore each other. Well, does that sound pleasing to you?

[cut back to front camera]

So, I bet you can tell from my accent that I’m from Shondaland.

[Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy: Hey, Regé-Jean. Sorry to interrupt. Hi. I’m gonna be your gorgeous SNL liaison, a personal escort for all your personal needs.

Regé-Jean: I didn’t know I was going to get a persona liaison. Thanks, Aidy.

Aidy: Oh my god, he said my name. It’s happening. Um, yeah, anything you need. Alcohol? Massage? I know I said that a little British.

Regé-Jean: Aidy, don’t be nervous. It’s just me.

[Ego Nwodim walks in]

Ego: Hello, Regé-Jean. I am your liaison. The host has one every week and that’s normal and I am to be your’s.

Regé-Jean: Ego, you don’t have to bow. I’ve been getting a lot of this energy lately, but you can both relax. I’m nothing like my character, the Duke. [Cut to close up shot of Regé-Jean. He is speaking in husky voice and romantic music is playing.] I’m actually quite shy, emotional. It’s hard for me to talk about myself because well, I just want to listen. [there’s a wine in his hand now, and he takes a sip] Sorry, I was just quite parched there.

[cut back to front camera]

Ego: Okay, this is dangerous.

Aidy: Yeah. We’re just big fans of the Duke and the Bridgerton and I’ve seen your bottom.

Regé-Jean: Alright, a lot of people did. Alright, ladies, I’m flattered you liked the show. Did you have a favorite part?

Ego: Hm, I don’t know. Episode five, 52 minutes in?

Aidy: Maybe episode six, five minutes in?

Ego: 12 minutes in.

Aidy: 43 minutes in.

Ego: And in and in and in.

Regé-Jean: Okay, just so you know, that’s a character. None of that is real. And– [looks at Aidy and pauses] Oh, excuse me. [romantic music playing] Aidy, you have an eyelash. [slowly takes the eyelash off Aidy’s cheek] Make a wish.

[Aidy blows on Regé-Jean’s hand too hard.]

Aidy: My wish was rated ‘R’.

Regé-Jean: Ladies, okay, I hate to break it to you but I’m actually just kind of a nerd. I nerd out on music. I sing silly little songs like–

[piano playing] [singing really well] Oh my love,
my darling
I’m hungry for your touch

How nerdy is that?

Aidy: I mean, it’s starting to hurt me now.

[Chloe Fineman walks in dressed as Daphne]

Chloe: [speaking with accent] There you are. I thought I’d find you here.

Regé-Jean: Chloe, please tell me you aren’t dressed like Daphne, my love interest in Bridgerton.

Ego: Why didn’t we think of that?

Aidy: Yeah. That’s not Daphne. She’s just Chloe from regular SNL.

Regé-Jean: Look, I’m happy to play the Duke. I’ve been around for a while though. I was in Roots. I played high flying lawyers. Yet somehow, people just want me to be this guy who says–

[Cut to close up shot of Regé-Jean. He is speaking in husky voice and romantic music is playing.]

“I burn for you!”

[cut back to front camera]

Chloe: Yeah. I mean why wouldn’t anyone want you to do that?

Aidy: No, no. It’s cool. We definitely have other sketch ideas where you are just being an extremely hot sex man.

Chloe and Ego: [disappointed] We do?

Aidy: No. We’re screwed. Get pencils, bitches, coz we’re rewriting everything.

[Aidy, Ego and Chloe run out]

Regé-Jean: Okay, bye. Look, I am genuinely so happy that this show is connected with so many people during lock down. Specially people who don’t normally get to see themselves as romantic leads on television. And of course, it’s all brought me here with you tonight. So, we have got a great show for you tonight. Bad Bunny is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Regina King Monologue

Regina King

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Regina King.

[Regina King walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Regina King: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow. Happy Valentine’s day everybody. I can’t believe I am actually here hosting Saturday Night Live. I remember watching Eddy Murphy on this show when I was a little kid and thinking, “Wow, some day I’m going to be on that stage.” Then he left and I was like, “Umm, I’m good.” I’m kidding. It’s such an honor to be here.

I had a pretty wild career. If you’re black, you probably know me from being in some of your favorite movies and if you’re white, you probably know me from “Watchmen” or this monologue right now. And I’m not complaining. I kind of like it that way. Whenever black fame gets too crazy for me, I just go to the nearest white town and I’m a regular old suspecious shopper again.

Okay, I’m trying to play it cool right now but I’m actually nervous. I asked Lorn what to do if I get scared while I’m out here and he said, “Don’t panic. When in doubt, play the race card.” Then he did a little shoulder shimmy and moon-walked out of my dressing room. He’s an interesting guy.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan: Hey, Regina. Welcome.

Regina King: Hey, Kenan. What are you doing out here?

Kenan: I just wanted to tell you again how excited we are to have you hosting.

Regina King: Aw, so sweet. Are you dressed like that fora sketch?

Kenan: I dress like a who or what now?

Regina King: Oh. Never mind. But I’m glad you’re here because I’m actually kind of nervous.

Kenan: Look, trust me. You got nothing to worry about. And this show has been on the air for like, I don’t know, 20 years? It’s a well-oiled machine, just like the ‘Hindenburg’.

Regina King: Okay. Well, could you stay up here with me while I finish my monologue for support?

Kenan: Oh, say less, girl. I got you. I’m right here.

Regina King: Thank you. I feel better already. Alright, let me start again. It’s great to be in New York city.

Kenan: [pulls out a mic] Yeah, yeah. Regina King is in the house, New York city, make some noise?

[cheers and applause]

Hey, my dude. Hey, my dude right here. You ain’t making enough noise. She won an Oscar, dog!

Regina King: Hey, Kenan, what are you doing?

Kenan: I’m sorry. You know, I’m just keeping it high for you. Continue.

Regina King: Alright, anyway, okay. It’s been a crazy year. I directed a movie called “One Night in Miami”.

Kenan: You better recognize. She got nominated for Golden Gli-sove, baby!

Regina King: Thank you. It’s about a historic night which Luke, Rick Ross, Trick Daddy and Pit Boy dinnered at a waffle house together.

Kenan: [yelling] Did y’all hear that? My girl is up here killing it. Y’all better make some noise for that. [cheers and applause] Hey, my dude! You still ain’t clapping loud enough, mite.

Regina King: Kenan! Kenan!

Kenan: Is that too much?

Regina King: Yeah. Way too much. I’m a trained actor and I don’t need all that. Plus, you’re scaring this guy.

Kenan: That’s my bad. It’s your world, queen. But you better give it up or you’re going to get this kung-fu.

Regina King: Wait, wait. Slow down, turbo. I got this. Now I need all my ladies to say “Ah”.

Crowd: Ah.

Regina King: And all my fellows to say “Ho”.

Crowd: Ho.

Regina King: We got a great show for you tonight. Nathaniel Rateliff is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Dan Levy Monologue

Dan Levy

Dorine… Aidy Bryant

Eugene Levy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Levy.

[Dan Levy walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dan: Thank you. Thank you very, very much. I am so honored to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. Somewhere my 13 year old self has fainted in a really needy melodramatic way. Now, the past 12 months have quite literally changed my life in so many ways. Both good and not so good. Some good, people finally started watching our show Schitt’s Creek. And we were fortunate enough to win nine Emmy’s this year. Unbelievable. Beyond dream come true. Though not so good, those Emmy’s were quite literally thrown at us by a stranger in a hazmat suit. The good, I have been getting stopped on the street by all different kinds of people which is new and fun and different. The not so good, those people are mainly screaming “Ew” at me which was the line I wrote for the show that will now haunt me for the rest of my life. But in all seriousness, for all the good and the not so good, I have somehow found myself here on this iconic stage standing in front of all of you, and trust me when I say this, it has only been good here at SNL. It’s as if nothing has changed. Everyone still has that funny, charming sparkle in their eyes. They’re just a little bit safer. In fact, I thought maybe we could do a tour, show you back stage during a pandemic just to show you how much fun we’ve been having. So, walk with me if you will.

[Dan walks to the audience]

We are now here with the audience. [to an audience] Hi. What is your name?

[Dorine walks in with a long measuring stick]

Dorine: I’m sorry. Excuse me sir, six feet please.

Dan: Okay. I’m sorry.

Dorine: No. This is six feet. You were much closer, okay?

Dan: That is my mistake.

Dorine: Well, just think when you want to get chummy, put a noodle in your tummy.

Dan: Understood. Thank you so much. Everyone, this of course is one of our safety officers, Dorine, keeping us safe. While maintaining the magic.

Dorine: Yeah. Just doing my job.

[Dorine walks out]

Dan: Sorry about that again. I’m new here. So, you gotta be safe to have fun. Of course, [walks pass the audience and to the door] famous studio doors.

[Dorine hits Dan with the measuring stick]

Dorine: No pointing.

Dan: Come on!

Dorine: No. Pointing spreads droplets.

Dan: I’m almost certain that is not the case. Sorry, Dorine. We’re gonna move on. Right out here, I’m not going to use my hands, because you know– Anyway– [Dan walks pass the door. There’s anti-viral myst.] Wow, that is cold. I think some of it is anti-viral mist. Taste the bleach. And over here is the famous NBC page desk. [Melissa Villaseñor is getting sprayed with sanitizers at the desk.]

Melissa: Ha-ha-ha. That tickles.

Dan: Okay. I guess it’s been turned into a cast decontamination station. See, things can change here on a dime. Walking over here, oh, what are these? These are portraits of former hosts. I think I know this lady. [pointing at the picture] [Dorine hits Dan with the measuring stick]

Dorine: Sir!

Dan: Come on!

Dorine: No. You were pointing.

Dan: Okay. That hurt. Please don’t do that again.

Dorine: I’m gonna do it.

Dan: I’m on a tour. Right down here, we have some host dressing rooms. This one is Phoebe Bridgers’. Not gonna ask what’s going on in there. Hope everything’s okay. Phoebe, break a leg. She can’t hear me. Let’s see what’s down here. Maybe we’ll run into a cast member. Oh my gosh. It’s a socially distant Kenan! [Kenan is very far away] Hi, Kenan.

Kenan: Hey! Who is that? I’m sorry, I’m wearing a face shield.

Dan: It’s Dan.

Kenan: What?

Dan: Ha-ha-ha. It’s the host of the show, Dan Levy.

Kenan: Oh my goodness. Thank you so much, man. You too.

Dan: The cast are very, very nice here. And I’ve been treated so well and just feel so safe. I mean honestly, just to get to a walk these halls is such a thrill.

[Dan runs into his dad, Eugene Levy. He’s inside a glass box.]

Wait, dad? You came all the way from Los Angeles?

Eugene: Hey, son. Well, look at you. No, I flew in. I flew in to wish you luck tonight, but because I traveled, I am now in this tight isolation box.

Dan: You flew all this way just to watch the show from a weird box?

Eugene: I did not know about the box at the time. No. I found out when I landed.

Dan: Okay. Well, I’d offer to help but we’re live on TV.

Eugene: Well, listen. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Okay? You’ve got enough on your plate tonight.

Dan: Okay. Thanks, dad. Fresh from a plane from Los Angeles, Eugene Levy, everybody.

Eugene: [to the guards] Excuse me. Could one of you turn me towards the stage so I can see the show? Thank you.

Dan: See? Still fun. We have got such a great show for you tonight. Phoebe Bridgers is here. Stick around, we will be right back.

John Krasinski Monologue

John Krasinski

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Krasinski.

[John Krasinski walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow! I am so honored to be hosting the first show of 2021. I genuinely cannot tell you what a huge deal it is for me to be here right now. I have been watching this show since I was eight years old. I was trying to explain that to my kids, what I was doing this week, and I told them, “You know how your favorite show is PAW Patrol? My favorite show is SNL. So, for me, it’s like I’m on PAW Patrol.” And they were like, “What? You’re on PAW Patrol?” And I said, “No, no, no.” They were like, “Oh, well then call us when you’re on PAW Patrol.” So, to actually be here now on this historic stage is nothing sort of mind blowing for me because–

Alex: [from the audience] Hey! Hey, Jim. I have a question.

John: Okay. I guess we’re doing questions now.

Alex: So, my question is you’re Jim from the office?

John: No. I’m actually John. But yes, hello.

Alex: Okay. Follow up question. To the office!

John: I’m not actually sure what that would even look like.

Alex: Hey. Where’s Pam?

John: Alright. Pam is a fictional character. That is where she is. But I am here and I am so excited to be on this stage with all of you. My wife Emily Blunt actually hosted few years ago and she has some great advice. She said, “John, when you go–

Ego: [from the audience] Hi, Jim.

John: Hi. Another question.

Ego: You look different.

John: Thank you very much. I’ve been working out for the part of Jack Ryan. Thank you. Obviously not enough, but —

Ego: No. Yeah, you need to stop it.

John: Stop working out? I’m sorry.

Ego: Yes. Jim is soft.

John: Okay. Well, that’s not really a question.

Ego: Jim sits all day. When you touch Jim, your hand goes in like memory foam.

John: Okay. I’m sorry. But ma’am, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to talk to you anymore.

Kenan: I got a question.

John: Okay.

Kenan: Kiss Pam.

John: Alright. None of these things are really questions, though. Are they?

Kenan: I need you to kiss Pam, that is what I need to see today.

John: Alright. Guys, here’s the deal. Pam’s not real. She’s played by Jenna Fisher. We are friends. We are married to other people.

Kenan: Is your wife here?

John: No. Actually, she’s back in the UK.

Kenan: Well, then kiss Pam.

John: I’m so sorry. Lorne, is there something we can do about all these questions?

[Pete Davidson walks in the stage]

Pete: Hey, John. How are you doing?

John: Hi. Good. It’s going good. It’s going great.

Pete: Oh, I’m sorry, man, about this. I think what’s happening is everyone’s been stuck inside for a year watching “The Office” non-stop. So, Jim and Pam are like, really real for them.

Kenan: Is that Pam?

John: No. Clearly, this isn’t Pam. This is Pete Davidson.

Pete: I think they really need for someone to be Pam.

John: Really? I mean I tried to explain to them that Pam’s not actually–

Pete: I think we gotta give them what they want, Jim. Jim, you gotta kiss Pam.

Alex, Ego, Kenan: Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam!

John: Alright!

[John turns to Pete and kisses him.]

Alex, Ego, Kenan: Yay! Okay, let’s go!

[Alex, Ego, Kenan run away]

John: That did feel really good. Wow. Thank you, Pam. Well, we have a great show for you tonight. Machine Gun Kelly is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.