Ana de Armas Monologue

Ana de Armas

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ana de Armas.

[Ana de Armas walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ana de Armas: [Speaking in Spanish] Just kidding. I speak English. But I didn’t when I first got to the US. I was born in Cuba, came to America when I was 26. And I learned English the way everyone who comes to this country does, by watching “Friends.” Who would have thought that the best English tutor would be Chandler Bing? I mean, look at me now, could I be any better at English?

Acting here was difficult at first because I didn’t always understand what I was saying. Then I met this guy who had a class called “How to audition,” which was definitely a scam. He had me read a scene. And there was this line – “I beg your pardon.” But I had never seen or heard that phrase. So I thought this character was literally begging. So when I did the line, I said, “I beg your pardon. Give it to me.” Then someone else in the class read the line. And I was like, “Oh, can I try again?”

This has been a magical year. Not only I was nominated for an Oscar, but in three weeks, I’m gonna officially become an American citizen. I am proud to become a citizen because when I moved here, everyone was so welcoming. When I did my first movie in the US called “Hands of Stone,” I got to work with Robert De Niro. And one day on set, he told me, “I may be going to Cuba soon. If I do, I’ll say hello to your family.” He even asked me for the phone number. I completely forgot about it. And then one day out of the blue, I get a phone call from my dad. He’s hysterical. I’m like “Dad was wrong?” And he goes, “Robert De Niro just came to visit me at work.” That was such a kind gesture. And I’ve been so fortunate to work with so many supportive actors. My dad was so proud of me and he would be proud to see me today standing on this stage. I feel very lucky to be here.

I remember the first time my name was in the New York Times crossword, everyone texted me and they said, “You made it.” And I thought I did. But then a couple months ago, SNL called me and said “Ana, we want you to host,” and I was so shocked and excited that all I could say was “I beg your pardon?”

We have a great show for you tonight. Karol G is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Molly Shannon Monologue

Molly Shannon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Molly Shannon.

[Molly Shannon walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Molly Shannon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh my god, it’s so great to be back. I’ve had such a fun year. My daughter Stella started college. My son Nolan’s about to graduate high school. And I wrote a book about my life called “Hello Molly.” And, you know, it’s interesting because a lot of people were surprised by how honest I was about some of the hard times my family had. I mean, we all have problems, right? But my dad always taught me to keep my chin up and never give up on my showbiz dreams. He would play me old classic musicals and he would tell me, “You know, Molly, no matter what problems you face, if you keep a positive attitude, everything will turn out okay.” I can almost hear him now saying…

[singing] You’ll be swell, you’ll be great
you’re gonna have the whole world’s on a plate
starting here, starting now
honey, everything’s coming up, roses,
curtain up, light the light
you got nothing to hit, but the hype

Molly Kearney: Molly, sorry I crashed your monologue. But I know exactly what you mean. I’ve got real problems too.

Molly Shannon: Like, what’s your problem, Molly?

Molly Kearney: Well, I’m not really in the show much tonight. So I’m interrupting your song to get more camera time.

Molly Shannon: Oh, that’s a great idea.

Molly Kearney: Can I stay out here?

Molly Shannon: No.

Clear the debt, clear that track
you got nothing to do but relax
blow a kiss, take a bow
honey everything’s coming up, roses

Kenan, what about you? What’s your problem?

Kenan: I can’t stop buying fake Rolexes.

Molly shannon: What about you guys? What are your problems?

Andrew Dismukes: I still dress like a little boy.

Chloe Fineman: I pretend to have a peanut allergy for attention.

Bowen Yang: I’m attracted to my therapist.

Ego Nwodim: I just tested positive for COVID. Ha-ha-ha.

Bowen Yang: Wait, what?

Molly Shannon: Honey, everything’s coming up, roses

How about you, the audience? Who here is embarrassed by how often they check Instagram? [cheers] Who was in an unhealthy codependent relationship? We got a few. Who lost their job in the pandemic and secretly hopes that other people are suffering too? [laughter] What about you Lorne? What’s your problem?

Lorne Michaels: I don’t have any problem.

Molly Shannon: What about you, Martin Short?

Martin Short: I ran out of ozempic!

Molly Shannon: Everyone, come up here. Come on. Put away your problems and stop worrying. You know why?

Because you’ll be swelled, you’ll be great
I can tell, just you wait

All: And nothing’s gonna stop us till we’re through

Molly Shannon: Honey, everything’s coming up, roses and Daffodil,
everything’s coming up, sunshine and Santa Claus.
everything’s coming up, roses for me and for you

Thank you daddy. Superstar. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Jonas Brothers are here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Quinta Brunson Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Quinta Brunson.

[Quinta Brunson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Quinta Brunson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so very much. My name is Quinta Brunson. And let me just first say, I am so excited to be here. I have been dreaming about this since I was a kid. I actually, I wanted to be honest to know back in the day, but the audition process seemed long. So instead, I just created my own TV show, made sure it became really popular, won a bunch of Emmys and then got to host. [cheers and applause] So much easier. So much easier.

I have a show called Abbott Elementary. [cheers and applause] And it’s kind of unique. It’s a streaming show. It’s not a streaming show. Sorry. I know you guys get confused about that. It’s a network sitcom. Like say ‘Friends’, except instead of being about a group of friends, it’s about a group of teachers and instead of New York, it’s in Philadelphia. And instead of not having black people, it does.

I grew up in Philly and my mom was a teacher there. So creating a show about teachers has been really special. The only downside is now every time there’s an issue with the public school system, people expect me to solve it. And that’s not fair. Last week when that big collapse, no one wanted to go up to the cast of succession like, “How do we fix this, cousin Greg?” Don’t get me wrong. I love that people are enjoying Abbott, but I wish they didn’t expect me to be exactly like my character all the time in public. Janine Teague is a caring second grade teacher who’s good and wholesome. But I’m the opposite. I mean, I’m not a filthy whore. But I like to have fun. I need to be able to live my life without someone recording me going “Damn, Miss Teague is out here getting wasted at Universal Studios.” I prefer my butter beer with Hennessy.

Look, I just want people to lower their expectations of me. I’m still young, still figuring things out. I’ve had to start lying to my mom about who I’m hanging out with. I’ll be like, “You know, I’m just going to chill on my friend’s garden.” I just don’t mention that it’s Oprah’s garden. Or the time I told her I was going out to dinner but I didn’t tell her with who because it was this guy.

[Cut to a video of Quinta Brunson with Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Hi. I’m with your daughter here and we’re so proud of her. But really proud of you. Not only because you’re obviously a great mom, but because you are a teacher. Most important job there is.

[Cut back to Quinta Brunson] [cheers and applause]

Quinta Brunson: As my friend Barak said- [laughter] I call him Barack now. My mom really was an amazing teacher, and I’m so proud of her. But I also know firsthand that teachers get taken for granted. Like, I’ve always had a dishwasher. Never thought about it, loaded it up, kick the shut, went to bed wasted. But then my husband and I moved into an apartment that didn’t have a dishwasher. And after one day, I was like, “We gotta get the hell out of here.” Me not having a dishwasher is how parents feel when they don’t have teachers during the pandemic. Suddenly, parents were like, “Wait, we have to teach these dishes now? We have to be these dishes now. Why did I have so many dishes? That last dish was a mistake.” But seriously, teachers are people, not appliances. So please remember how important teachers are. Acknowledge the work they do every day. And for the love of God pay them the money they deserve.

We got a great show for you tonight. Lil’ Yatchy is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Jenna Ortega Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jenna Ortega.

[Jenna Ortega walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jenna Ortega: Thank you. Thank you guys very much. I am so excited to be here. My name is Jenna Ortega. I’m 20 years old, which makes me the youngest host of the season. But I’ve actually been acting since I was a kid. I got discovered when my mom put a video of me on Facebook, which someone explained to me is like TikTok, but for racism instead of dancing.

I’ve had a crazy couple of years I was in Wednesday, X, Scream 6. A lot of people assume that I’m dark and twisted in real life because of these roles that I play, but I’m not like that at all. I think there’s just something about my face where people see it and they’re like, “Hey, let’s throw blood on that.” But I wasn’t always in horror films. My first ever acting role was actually in a Colgate toothpaste commercial when I was nine. Take a look.

[Cut to Colgate toothpaste commercial]

Jenna Ortega as a kid: Wanna help me catch invisible nasties? You know, those little gems the head in your mouth. I’ll be back tonight invisible nasties.

[Cut back to Jenna Ortega]

Jenna Ortega: I am still that exact same girl. Same one. It’s just that I don’t know, scary music and editing can make anything seem like a horror film. Watch.

[Cut to the same Colgate commercial edited as a horror film] [Cut back to Jenna Ortega]

I love horror movies, but honestly, I don’t get scared very easily. Part of the reason I actually wanted to come host SNL is that I wanted to face my biggest fear – happy, extroverted people who are always trying to perform. But everyone here has been so kind and this week has been a dream come true. You know, I’ve got a couple of friends here tonight including one of my co stars from Wednesday, Fred Armisen.

[Fred Armisen is within the audience]

Fred Armisen: Hi, Jenna. Don’t let me distract you. I’m just here to watch with these people who are below me.

Jenna Ortega: Oh, did you want to come up and join me on stage?

Fred Armisen: Oh, me? Go up there in front of the cameras? I could never.

Jenna Ortega: Okay, I’m sorry you don’t have to.

Fred Armisen: Alright fine, I will.

[Fred Armisen joins Jenna Ortega on stage] [cheers and applause]

Wow, so this is what it feels like to be on Saturday Night Live?

Jenna Ortega: You were on the show for 11 seasons.

Fred Armisen: That’s sweet. Thank you.

Jenna Ortega: Seriously Fred, I’m so honored that you’re here. You’re the reason I started watching SNL actually. My favorite sketch of all time is the Californians.

[cheers and applause]

Fred Armisen: Thanks Jenna, that’s so nice. You know, the original idea came to me because I was giving directions-

Jenna Ortega: Yeah, no, we figured it was something like that. It’s all good. [pushes Fred Armisen out of the stage] Thank you.

Like I said, this feels like a dream. When I was a kid, I wasn’t old enough to watch SNL yet. So I took a tour of the SNL studio with my parents, like, six years ago, and they said, “Man, wouldn’t it be amazing if you host it someday?” And it seemed impossible, then. But now I’m here tonight. And my parents are in the audience and they get to hear me say – we have a great show for you tonight. 1975 is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Travis Kelce Monologue

Travis Kelce

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Travis Kelce.

[Travis Kelce walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Travis Kelce: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so very much. It’s great to be here. And if you don’t know I just won my second Super Bowl. [cheers and applause] Oh, man. Which was amazing. But for me hosting SNL is that much better to me. I’m lying to you all. I’m lying. I’m kidding. Winning the Super Bowl was way better. But seriously, seriously, I’m honored that SNL asked me to host. I was nervous about doing a monologue. But then I remembered I’m actually pretty good with words. I’m pretty good with words like during games, I do these super eloquent pump-up speeches for my teammates. Please watch.

[cut to a video where Travis Kelce is yelling “More, more, more” to his teammates.] [cut back to the stage]

And sometimes I even do it in my Pat Mahomes voice. More, more, more. Do it, Kels, do it.

Probably the coolest thing about this Super Bowl is that my whole family was there. I got to play against my brother Jason who is an eagle. And my mom was on TV more than both of us.

My mom, dad and brother are all here tonight.  [cheers and applause] You know, people keep asking me “What it was like to beat my brother in the Superbowl?” And it was pretty awkward. Especially because after the game, we had to ride home together. Our mom drove us there in her minivan. Just like the good old days. But even though his team lost after being up 10 points at half, my brother is actually really happy for me. [cut to his brother who looks very sad] And he agrees that the ref made the right call. It was a holding.

Jason and I have actually been playing football together since we were little kids, and he was always better than me at everything. In high school, he was an honors student and I got kicked off the team because I failed French, and English too. But French sounds way better. And then when we were in college, I actually got kicked off the team because I tested positive for marijuana. So it just goes to show you if you smoke weed and you’re bad at school, you can win the Super Bowl twice.

This isn’t my first time hosting a TV show. I actually had my own dating show on E called Catching Kelce. It was kind of like the Bachelor, except instead of roses I handed out footballs, and instead of watching, people did not. Which was a little embarrassing, but I have to say I got pretty good at reality TV. Like, check this one out.

[Cut to clip from the show Catching Kelce]

Right? Right? That show is owned by NBC Universal, so it should be on Peacock. But Peacock said, “No, we good.” [now his brother is laughing hard and clapping] I knew something would make him smile. But really, but really, it’s cool to be here. I grew up watching SNL with my mother. I love Ferrell, the Sandman, Chris Farley and to be standing on this stage, pretty surreal. And tonight I’m gonna give it everything I got. As wise man once said, “More, more, more and more.” We got a great show for you tonight. Kelsea Ballerini is here.

Stick around, you don’t want to miss this one.

Woody Harrelson Monologue

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson.

[Woody Harrelson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: Thank you. Thank very, very much. Hello you beautiful people, and you ugly people too. I jest. This country seems so divided, beautiful, ugly, black, white, blue, red. I love everybody. Maybe because I’m a redneck hippie. You know, the red in me thinks you shouldn’t be allowed to own guns. The blue in me thanks squirt guns. So I’m red and blue, which makes purple. I’m purple.

So this is my fifth time doing SNL. And you know what that means? No jacket? Okay. The last time I did SNL was around Thanksgiving 2019, three years ago, and you will not believe what happened after the show. The next day, it was a Sunday, as it always is the day after I do Saturday Night Live, it’s like a pattern I noticed. Anyway, I went walking in the greatest part of this city, Central Park, leaned against the tree and started to read the craziest script. Okay, full disclosure. I smoked a joint first. The reason I like herb more than alcohol is because it makes me feel good, no hangover, and I never wake up covered in blood. But regardless, I have decided to quit smoking pot altogether and I’m sticking with it, till after the show.

Yeah, last week in Austin, I was talking with my friend Nick and we have a lot in common. He wrote “True Detective”, and I was in True Detective. I’m vegan and all the animals he eats are vegan. Anyway, I was complaining about how I start smoking around noon and get progressively dumber as the day unfolds. Forget basic words, simple objects, e-t-cetera. And I was hoping that the wifey Poo might say, “Oh, no, that’s not true.” But instead she says, “At least you’re aware of it.” And I say, “Well, that doesn’t feel like much consolation.” And she says, “Think of all the dumb people who don’t know they’re dumb. You’re ahead of them.” “Um, thanks hun.”

But on top of the herb, are we a bit of a drinker? I don’t know why I went Irish there. Anyway. But in a personal triumph, last year I had seven months with no alcohol, and five glorious months.

Anyway, what are we talking about? Oh, yeah, it’s telling you about that script. So I blaze a fatty which I got in LA at my dispensary, The Woods. I mean, obviously, I didn’t transport the herb from California to New York, because that’s highly illegal. My manager Jeremy did. He muled it from LA. Speaking of Jeremy, he’s here tonight. He’s newly single, ladies. Very handsome. I know he would prefer I talk about our movie “Champions”. It’s coming out in two weeks. Comedic masterpiece. But I’m not here to sell “Champions”. It sells itself. Projections have it making more than avatar. But whatever. I’m no salesman.

Yeah. Where was I? Yeah. Okay. So three years ago, Center Park, Sunday morning, the Lord’s day, trying to resist the temptation to puff too early in the day. Of course, I succumb. Like a lot of people I have a devil on one shoulder. And on the other shoulder. I have a larger, more frightening devil. And there’s a battle going on in here. I’m just saying that I am many different things. Anarchist, Marxist, Ethical hiddenness, non discriminatory empath, epistemological deconstructionist Texan. But back to the tree in Central Park and that script. Put yourselves in my place. Lay the curb of your neck against the roots of the tree. What kind of tree was it? I mean, what kind of trees they have in Central Park? Oh, yeah, it was a palm tree. So lay your head on the palm, fire up a hooter from Jeremy, and start reading. Okay, so the movie goes like this. The biggest drug cartels in the world get together and buy up all the media and all the politicians and force all the people in the world stay locked in their homes. And people can only come out if they take the cartels drugs and keep taking them over and over. I threw the script away. I mean, who is gonna believe that crazy idea being forced to do drugs? I do that voluntarily all day long.

Anyway, it’s about that time. Come on. Still no jacket. Okay. Well, we got a great show for you tonight. Jack White is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Pedro Pascal Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Pedro Pascal.

[Pedro Pascal walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Pedro Pascal: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here. Thank you. I spent the last year shooting a show called The Last of Us on HBO. For some HBO shows, you get to shoot in a five star Italian resort surrounded by beautiful people. But I said “No, that’s too easy. I want to shoot in a freezing Canadian forest while being chased around by a guy whose head looks like a genital wart.” It is an honor being a part of these huge franchises like Game of Thrones and Star Wars, but I’m still getting used to people recognizing me. The other day a guy stopped me on the street and said “My son loves the Mandalorian.” The next thing I know I’m FaceTiming with a six year old who has no idea who I am because my character wears a mask for the entire show. So the guy is like “Just do the mando voice.” But the man’s voice is like a bedroom voice. Without the mask, it just sounds corny. So people walking by on the street just see me whispering to a six year old kid. “I can bring you in warm or I can bring you in cold.”

Even though I came to the US when I was little, I was born in Chile, and I have 34 first cousins who are still there. They’re very proud of me. I know they’re proud because they give my phone number to every single person they meet. Which means every day someone in Santiago will text me stuff like “Can you come to my wedding?” Or “Can you sing my priest Happy Birthday?” Or “Is baby Yoda mean in real life?” So I have to be like “No, no, no And his name is Grogu.

My cousins weren’t always so proud. Early in my career, I played small parts in every crime show. I even played two different characters on Law and Order. Pizza Cabasa, who looked like this. And one year later, I played Reggie Luqman who looked like this. And that, my friends is called range.

But it is amazing to be here. Like I said, I was born in Chile, and nine months later, my parents fled Pinochet and brought me and my sister to the US. They were so brave, and without them I wouldn’t be here in this wonderful country. And I certainly wouldn’t be standing here with you all tonight. So to all my family watching in Chile, I just want to say te amo, [foreign language]. Which means I love you. I miss you and stop giving out my phone number.

We’ve got an amazing show for you tonight. Cold Play is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Michael B. Jordan Monologue

Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Michael B. Jordan.

[Michael B. Jordan walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Michael B. Jordan: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be here. My name is Michael B. Jordan. But tonight, Michael B hosting. Michael B joking. And honestly, Michael B nervous. Michael B vulnerable. But don’t worry, Michael B alright. Because Michael B in therapy.

It’s been a great week here in SNL. Yesterday, I had a crazy full circle moment. We pre shot some videos for the show. And when I got to the studio, I realized it was the exact same place where I shot one of my first acting roles on the soap opera “All my children”. I was 16 years old. Here’s a clip.

[Cut to old video clip]

Michael B. Jordan: I told you in the beginning that you set the pace.

Female actress: So you’re not mad?

Michael B. Jordan: No. Most of the times, the animal and me just kiss kind of crazy. [howling] [cut back to SNL stage]

Michael B. Jordan: Pretty sure I hit puberty mid how. That was 2003. And now 20 years later, I just directed my very first movie Creed III. Right after that, I went through my very  first public breakup. Now most people after a breakup are like, “I’m gonna get in better shape.” But I was already in Creed shape. So I had to be like, “Alright, I guess I’ll learn a new language.” Anyway, [foreign language]. After the break up, everyone thought I was so heartbroken because when the news came out, I was at a basketball game and they caught me looking like this. [picture of him at a basketball game appears] Look, I was just chilling, but the internet decided that that was me being sad. Luckily for me, if you Google sad Michael Jordan, the first 8000 results are this. [picture of Michael Jordan crying appears] [Chloe Fineman walks in laughing]

Chloe Fineman: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hey Michael.

Michael B. Jordan: What’s up, Chloe?

Chloe Fineman: I know you’re single, but did you know that I’m single?

Michael B. Jordan: But don’t date that hot writer?

Chloe Fineman: Not if you’re available. Hey, could you remind me how to spell your number?

[Heidi Gardner jumps in]

Heidi Gardner: Hey, Chloe, don’t you have to go away?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, I’m sorry, bitch.

Heidi Gardner: Hey, Mikey B. Mind if I call you Mikey B?

Michael B. Jordan: I’d rather you not.

Heidi Gardner: Ou, a man who knows what he wants. I like that. You know, I have a Creed poster in my bedroom.

Michael B. Jordan: Oh, nice. I always dreamed of people having my own poster up on the wall.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah. Wall, ceiling, printed onto a body pillow, whatever.

[Ego Nwodim jumps in wearing a wedding dress]

Ego Nwodim: Excuse me. Gone bitch. Hey, Michael. I didn’t even know you were out here.

Michael B. Jordan: You didn’t know I’d be on stage delivering my own monologue?

Ego Nwodim: Sorry, I was just taking a walk around the studio and I just threw on. On my god, is this a wedding dress? I guess we could technically get married right now then.  Huh?

Michael B. Jordan: That’s not how that works.

Ego Nwodim: Aww, our first fight. Should we have a makeup sex?

Michael B. Jordan: That ain’t gonna happen.

Ego Nwodim: Fine, Michael.

[Punkie Johnson walks in]

Punkie Johnson: Michael, Michael, Michael. Boy, you looking fine as ever as always.

Michael B. Jordan: What you doing, Punkie?

Punkie Johnson: I got the same suit like you got.

Michael B. Jordan: Come on, come on. Aren’t you gay?

Punkie Johnson: I am. But you Michael B. Jorda. And I’m Punkie B. curious. I mean, even vegans got cheat days, right?

Michael B. Jordan: No, they don’t.

Punkie Johnson: Ha-ha-ha. Boy, you’re so funny. I’ll see you at the after party, baby.

Michael B. Jordan: Look, I just want to say I’m so grateful to be standing on this stage. You know, sometimes I can take myself a little too seriously. But tonight, I’m gonna have fun. I’m just gonna go for it. It maybe, just maybe, let the inner animal get a little crazy. All right? [howling]  We got a great show for you tonight. Lil’ Baby is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Aubrey Plaza Monologue

Aubrey Plaza

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Aubrey Plaza.

[Aubrey Plaza walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Aubrey Plaza: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow, it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I am so happy to be here. This is a dream come true. And yes, I mean that. I know sometimes when I try to be sincere, it can come off as sarcastic. But I care. I really do. I care about things. People just think I’m weird because of the characters that I play,but I’m a normal person. I had a normal childhood with normal parents. In fact, they’re both here tonight. I love you guys.

Okay, that was a lie. But my real family is here including my grandma Margie. Hi grandma. They all came up here from Delaware, which is where I’m from. Thank you. I was actually voted the most famous person from Delaware. I beat Joe Biden. That’s a fact. And he was pissed. He was livid. Look at this video, he sent me.

[Cut to a real video of Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Aubrey, you’re the most famous person out of Delaware and there’s no question about that. We’re just grateful you made it out of white lotus alive.

[cheers and applause]

Aubrey Plaza: I’m so happy to be back here in 30 rock. When I was in college, I actually worked here as an NBC page. And that is true. Take a look at that. [there’s a picture of Aubrey Plaza from the past] Yep, there I am. So cute. I worked with the set design team here at SNL, the guys who make all these amazing sets for the show. And I’ve got to tell you, yeah, they win Emmys, they win Tony’s and they’re some of the sickest perverts I’ve ever met. And I’m a freak.

I’m so like most pages, you know, I had to give tours around the building. So you know what I was thinking? Why don’t I take you on a tour right now?

[cheers and applause]
[a man and a woman walks in and puts a coat on her]

Thank you guys. You guys will definitely host SNL someday. Yeah, right. Okay, so this is the historic studio 8H built in 1599 by William Shakespeare. Hey, Danny, how are you? You still a little bitch?

Right here, we have the SNL page desk. Now this is one of the most important jobs at the show, which is why I was never put here. I was what they called ‘a bad page with terrible phone etiquette’. Which was not true by the way. [phone ringing] I’ll get that. Hello, studio 8H. [in british accent] Who? You want to talk to Lorne Michaels, do you? Lorne Michael’s ain’t here, is he? So he’ll tune back to you, ain’t it? Yeah.

That was Sir Paul McCartney. And that’s how you do it.

Oh, here’s a little studio secret. So there used to be this storage closet. And when I was too hungover to finish the tour, I’d be like, “Just wait in here and you can meet Kristen Wiig,” and then I go puke in the bathroom and go home. Oh, look, here it is. I guess Kris never showed up. That’s on her.

Out here is the hallway where all the magic happens. Look, Ken Thompson.

Kenan: Hey. I’m still waiting on my Starbucks order. It was a flat white.

Aubrey Plaza: Okay, Kenan. Well, it’s Aubrey and I’m hosting now. I am not a page anymore.

Kenan: I know. I ordered it in 2004.

Aubrey Plaza: See? Bad page. Next up on the tour is the set design department where I used to work. So on every tour people would ask the same question – Are we gonna see a celebrity? No, you’re gonna see an old security guy eating a sandwich or writer crying because their sketch got cut. Famous people don’t just-

Amy: Hi Aubrey.

Aubrey Plaza: Hi, Amy. How are you?

Amy: Great.So Aubrey, I see that you’re wearing your page jacket. Are you drinking again?

Aubrey Plaza: Of course, I am. And I was just going to the set design office to see those old perverts

Amy: Aubrey, it’s not nice to call people old. Oh my god, you stole my wallet. That’s my girl.

Aubrey Plaza: Hey guys, Keith, Leo, Joe, did you guys miss me? Hey Leo, when I was showing up an hour late and barely working? Did you ever expect to see me hosting the show?

Leo: We always believed in you, Avery.

Aubrey Plaza: That’s right. So bow to your queen. Oh, that feels so good. Now, that’s the the fastest way back to the stage? Oh my god. Hats off, you guys. Those guys work miracles. And the biggest miracle of all is that they let me back in the building. Oh my god. I’m so happy to be here. I really did work here and I’ve dreamed my entire life of standing on this stage and saying we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Sam Smith is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Austin Butler Monologue

Austin Butler

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Austin Butler.

[Austin Butler walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Austin Butler: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here hosting the SNL Christmas show. Now last year’s Christmas show was canceled because everyone got COVID. So this year we came up with a foolproof plan to ensure that no one would get COVID. We stopped testing.

I do want to address something. There’s there’s people out there who say that ever since I played Elvis, my voice has changed. That it got deeper. More Elvis-y. But that’s not true. I’ve always sounded like this and I can prove it. Here’s a clip from an interview I did 10 years ago.

[Cut to the invertivew]

Interviewer: How excited are you to be Sebastian on the Carrie Diary?

Austin Butler: [in helium voice] I’m really excited. It’s been a great experience so far.

[Cut back to Austin Butler on stage]

Austin Butler: You see? A lot of people don’t know that I’ve been acting since I was a kid. And even back then, I was always into really intense immersive acting. Like when I was 12, I would be doing a part on a Disney or Nickelodeon show. But meanwhile, I’d be studying Raging Bull or a Taxi Driver. So I’d be on set and I’d be like, “I didn’t screw your wife.” And director would be like, “Austin cut. Put down the knife. You’re scaring iCarly.”

And when I wasn’t acting, I was actually a really shy kid. You know, like really shy. But luckily my mom decided to homeschool me and my sister, so I was also weird. By the way, my sister is actually here tonight. Happy birthday Ashley.

We grew up in Anaheim, California, hence the southern accent. And since we were homeschooled, sometimes my mom would say we’re taking the day off. We’re going to Disneyland. We’d be so excited. And then by like the 9th time she did that, I was like, “I don’t think Mom knows how to teach.”

But I love my mom. Some of my favorite memories from growing up or she and I watching SNL together. We watched every week. And even though I had is crippling shyness when I was with her, I’d do anything to make my mom laugh. I’d make funny faces and voices. I’d even do this ridiculous Gollum impression. [Doing the Gollum impression] Man Loves the hobbitses.

My mom like all moms was a huge Gollum fan. Really, being silly with her is what broke me out of my shell. And it’s the core of what started me in acting. Now, my mom is no longer with this. But I’ve been thinking about her a lot this week, just imagining how proud she would be that her son who used to not even be able to order food for myself at a restaurant is now standing on this stage. [cheers and applause]

Tonight, just know that anytime you see me doing a silly voice or making a funny face, that’s for you, Ma.

We got a great show for you tonight. LIzzo is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.