Zoë Kravitz Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Zoë Kravitz.

[Zoë Kravitz walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Zoë Kravitz: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so fantastic to be here. I’m your host Zoë Kravitz. I currently have a new movie out called “The Batman”. In the movie I play Cat Woman. Sorry, The Cat Woman. To prepare for the role. I watched the movie Musical Cats every day for a year which I actually heard was the same way Joaquin Phoenix prepared to play the Joker.

[Kate McKinnon walks in wearing the old Cat Woman outfit.]

Kate: So, are you talking about cats?

Zoë Kravitz: I was. I was just doing my monologue. You’re also Catwoman?

Kate: Yes. I’m Cat Woman from the 90s. The one with the whip. You know, like cats have. So you’re part of a proud lineage of Cat Woman, each with their own origin story. Do you want to know mine?

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, yeah. What’s your’s?

Kate: Okay. I fell out of a window onto a pile of cats. They licked me back to life. And now I just like Sandy from a porno version of Greece. It’s still cold, Greece.

Zoë Kravitz: Cool. Well, thank you. It’s great to have some fellow Cat Woman support. I should probably get back to the–

Kate: No, hang on. We have to fire up the cat signal.

Zoë Kravitz: I’m sorry, cat signal.

Kate: Yeah. For anytime you need a Cat Woman. Behold.

[Kate turns on the cat signal like the bat signal of Batman up in the sky]

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, I love that it’s a noble cat ready to pounce off the ledge.

Kate: Or it’s doing its business in the litter box.

[Ego Nwodim walks in wearing another Cat Woman outfit]

Ego: Hello. I saw the signal. Is someone in danger?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, yeah. You’re Cat Woman too?

Ego: Intuitively, I was the first black Cat Woman.

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, right? Yes. Eartha Kitt from the 1960s TV version.

Ego: Yet people called it can’t be turned out, it was just super gay.

Kate: And be glad your outfit isn’t latex because this is how I sneak up on bad guys. Ready?

[When Kate moves, her outfit makes squeaking sound.]

Zoë Kravitz: Wow. You know it actually does feel really nice having all this Cat Woman energy up here but I should really get back to the monologue. So can we turn this cat signal off before–

[Aidy Bryant walks in wearing casual outfit but with a cart full of cats]

Aidy: Before me? Hell no.

Zoë Kravitz: Another Cat woman.

Aidy: Yeah, more of a cat lady I guess. Yes, this is my husband. Sorry cat. And we’re here to meet Rosalia. Do you take me to her? How does that work?

Zoë Kravitz: I don’t think I can do that right now. I have to post the show.

Aidy: Oh yeah, sure I get it. You know, I’ve hosted the show dozens of times, in my mind where it’s called Saturday Night cats.

Zoë Kravitz: Not Caturday Night Live?

Aidy: Dang it. Okay, wow, I was really not expecting to meet so many cat people. And not that I don’t love it but maybe that’s enough.

Ego: Even if the next one is Doja Cat?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh my god, is she here?

Chris: No. But it’s me. It’s I, Katt Williams.

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, come on. You’re not even a woman.

Chris: I am a lover of women. Meow. And if I wanted to meet Rosalia, how would i–

Zoë Kravitz: Seriously, is there an off button somewhere?

Aidy: Oh, but the cat signal brought us all together.

Ego: And right now the world needs as many Cat Women…

Chris: and Williams’s.

Ego: …as it can get.

Kate: Now let’s go fight some crime.

Zoë Kravitz: Okay, it looks like that’s done. So I can finally say what I’ve been trying to say. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rosalia is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Oscar Isaac Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar Isaac.

[Oscar Isaac walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Oscar Isaac: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. This is my first time hosting SNL. They actually asked me to host back in 2015. But I said “No, I’m not ready. I want to wait till after the pandemic.” And they were like, “What pandemic?”

My name is Oscar Isaac, but my full name is Óscar Isaac Hernández Estrada. I said to Hollywood, you can pick two of these names. Guess what they went with? The white ones. I’m half Guatemalan, half Cuban. Or casting directors call that ethnically ambiguous. According to them I can play anything from a Pharaoh to Timothée Chalamet’s daddy. You know that joke? A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. Yeah, I could play anyone in that joke.

But I am excited. I’m joining the Marvel Universe with Moon Knight. It’s kind of a full circle moment since the first movie I was ever in was called “The Avenger”. Not “The Avengers”, which was a massive blockbuster. No, no, this was “The Avenger” which is a movie that I wrote, directed and starred in when I was 10 years old. It was shot on location in my buddy Bruce Ferguson’s backyard in our hometown of Miami, Florida. I play a ninja assassin training to fight his nemesis and we actually have a clip. This is real. Check this out. [Cut to old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid doing kungfu stuff.] Okay, there’s the opening title. And there I am kind of losing my balance a little bit at perfect editing. And here comes my big stunt. A trained two months for this. [he breaks a stick] Ya!

[Cut back to Oscar Isaac]

I mean, arguably better than the real Avengers. And I made it for half the budget only $110 million. But I took it really seriously. Maybe a little too seriously, like in this scene. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] Okay, they’re enacting my heart out and there’s my friend’s dad cleaning the pool. [Cut back to Isaac Oscar] Shout out to Mr. Ferguson. Shout out to my buddy Bruce. He’s at home watching and he had no idea our old movie was gonna be on SNL. I actually had to sign a licensing agreement to show it. It’s true. NBC Universal now owns the Avenger. Coming this fall to Peacock.

I’ve got one more clip. This is a scene I did with myself where I play both parts. Okay, here we go. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] That’s that’s me on my own henchmen. Oh no, that’s what I do with a sword. Total commitment from the start. Now you might be asking, “Oscar, why did you use your monologue to show us these old home videos?” And the reason is, it’s important to encourage kids to be weirdos. Because every once in a while, one of those weirdos grows up to host SNL.

We got a great show for you tonight. Charli XCX is here. So stick around we’ll be right back.

John Mulaney StandUp Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is amazing to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fifth time. For many, many reasons I’m grateful to be here tonight after a very complicated year. It is wonderful to be in a place that’s always emphasized sobriety and mental health. Since I last hosted, different things have happened. In December of 2020, I went to dinner at a friend’s apartment, but it was not dinner. It was an intervention. For me. My least favorite kind of intervention. When I walked into my intervention, I knew right away that it was an intervention. Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have? If when you open a door and see people gathered, your first thought is, “This is probably an intervention about my drug problem. There’s no other reason people would be behind the door.” I walked in, there were six of my friends in New York in person, and six of my friends over Zoom from LA. And you may be thinking, hey, if that was me, I would have been like, if you’re so worried about me, how come you didn’t fly in? Don’t worry. I said that several times. I rang that bell as often as possible. I went away to a rehab, which was a very good experience. I’m very grateful that I went. I was there for two months from December till February 2021. I was there January 6, during the insurrection. Wouldn’t have happened on my watch. Because I would have seen to it. Was there ever an insurrection before I went to rehab? No. Has there been one since I got out? Absolutely not. They wouldn’t dare. They know baby J is back on the streets.

One thing I did in rehab one exercise is you sit down with a counselor and you delete and block all of your drug dealers phone numbers. In some cases, you reach out to a dealer to say, “Hey, never get in touch with me again. I’m sober now.” It’s called breaking up with your drug dealer. I did this one afternoon with a counselor. I sat down. I texted my main dealer Arvind first. And I shouldn’t have said his name. But that’s, that’s okay. You don’t know him. Anyway, I texted Arvind first and I said, “Hey, I’m deleting and blocking you. I’m sober now. I’m never gonna buy drugs again.” And then I’m really polite. So I didn’t know how to end the text. So I was like, “But thank you for all of the nights that became days and your inspired professionalism.” So I send the text before I can delete and block him. He texts me back. He goes, “Hey, I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy that you got sober. You know, I only bought drugs to sell to you. Because I was worried about you. And I didn’t want you to get worse stuff off the street.” I know. And I’m breaking up with this guy? So I can’t block him. Now I text him back, you know? I go, “Hey, oh my god, you sweet man.” I said, “You only bought drugs to sell to me?” He says , “Yeah.” I said, “Did you sell drugs to other people?” He said, “No.” I said, “This is a weird time to ask. But are you a drug dealer?” He said, “No. I’m a painter. We talked about this.” Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea how I know this person. So I texted him. I go, “How did it come to be that you sell me drugs?” And he wrote back, “I don’t know. You just kept asking.” I like that story. Because there are many tales of drug dealers who have turned innocent people into drug addicts. I might be the first drug addict to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer and that is the promise of their.

Life is a lot better and happier now. I have a 12 week old son. I’m very excited. Yes. He is a pretty cool guy for someone who can’t vote. His legs are like little calzones and I want to eat him. His name is Malcolm. And let me tell you the moment when I first bonded the hardest with Malcolm. We were in the delivery room, my girlfriend had just given birth to him, and he’s crying a little. So, they bring them over to this warmer on the other side of the delivery room, and they put them on the warmer under this big bright light. And light is just shining in his eyes. It’s really bright. And he’s not crying or anything. He just looks up at the light and this is what he does. He goes he was annoyed. But he didn’t say anything. And I was like, “That’s my son. A polite man in an uncomfortable situation, but he’s not going to make a fuss.” And this was a really bright light. I thought it was bright and I’d seen lights. He’d never seen a light before in his life. To see on a baby’s face the expression, Jesus with the light, is very interesting. He’s a very good boy. His favorite pacifier just got recalled though. It’s such a bummer. He loved it. So we had like a dozen of them. We still have them in a basket on our counter. And I see this look in his eyes all the time of like, “Oh, I want to use those but I can’t because they could kill me.” Welcome to my world homie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. LCD Soundsystemis here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Willem Dafoe Monologue

Willem Dafoe

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Willem Dafoe.

[Willem Dafoe walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Willem Dafoe: Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be back home in New York. This is where I started. I moved here when I was 21, had no money and rented an apartment on 10th Avenue A for 200 bucks a month. And that’s where I learned how to act. For example, I had to act like I enjoyed having a bathtub in my kitchen. I got started in experimental theater. I was an original member of the Wooster Group. And that background really taught me how to throw myself into a role. Some people tell me that my acting is over the top. But to me, one man’s over the top is another man’s engaged performance. For instance, in this scene, people assume I’m about to toss somebody off a building. When in reality, I was just reading a really good book. I can’t help them have an expressive face. I can’t control it. I don’t think about controlling it. I’m not one of those subtle actors like Nicolas Cage or Al Pacino. Maybe that’s why people come up to me and say, “You know what role you’d be perfect for? The Joker.” Always nice to hear that you get the vibe of a sociopath.

Listen, I wanna thank you all for coming out in the snowstorm. When I was a kid in Appleton, Wisconsin, winters were–

Aidy: Excuse me! Did someone say Appleton Wisconsin?

Willem Dafoe: Yeah, I did.

Aidy: Well, you’re never going to believe this. But we are from Appleton too.

Mikey: Yeah. Born and raised.

Willem Dafoe: That’s nice. You came here to support one of your own.

Mikey: No, no, we got tickets from the lottery.

Aidy: Yeah, I had no idea you were hosting but we’re huge fans. We’ve seen all your Spider-Man movies. Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man the new one.

Willem Dafoe: You know I have done other films.

Mikey: Oh, yeah, we know. We know we loved you in full metal jacket.

Willem Dafoe: I actually wasn’t in that one. Maybe you’re thinking of Platoon.

Mikey: No, no.

Aidy: And you were great in the Passion of the Christ.

Willem Dafoe: I wasn’t in that one either. I was in “Last Temptation of Christ.”

Aidy: Well what about “Speed 2: Cruise Control?”

Mikey: Yeah, that was you in Speed 2, right?

Willem Dafoe: That was me.

Aidy: Well, Appleton is just so proud of you. I mean, you’re out there making movies with big Hollywood stars like Timothy Chalamet and Shrek.

Mikey: We just wish you still had your Wisconsin accent.

Willem Dafoe: Oh, well, I can I can still speak Wisconsin.

Aidy: Oh, well, can you do for it us?

Mikey: Oh yeah, I bet everyone back home would just flip if you did a real Wisconsin accent on TV.

Willem Dafoe: Okay, sure. Ay you guys? Let’s go down to Graham Bose and get a drink from the bubbler.

Aidy: You still got it.

Mikey: Yeah. Hey, has anyone told you, you should play the Joker?

Willem Dafoe: We got a great show for you tonight. Katy Perry is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Will Forte Returns Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Forte.

[Will Forte walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Will Forte: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, man. I am so excited to be here tonight. This is my first time hosting SNL. I was in a cast 12 years ago with
Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and Fred Armisen. So, it was really fun to see Kristen host. Then Bill. Then, Andy. Then Fred. Then Kristen again. Then Bill again. Then Jason. Seth Meyers. I mean, he’s one of my best buds, but you know, come on. He wasn’t really a sketch guy. He was just on Weekend Update. It doesn’t even count as being on the show? But he hosted, right? John Mulaney was a writer when I was in the cast, and then he hosted… four times! Four times. But hey, that’s okay. You know. I’m not bitter about it. Ha-ha-ha. I’m not. Save the best for last, right? Save the best for way last.

But look after 12 long years, tonight it’s finally my turn. My time to shine. Tonight is all about me.

[Kristen Wiig walks in]

Are you serious? Kristen. Hey! Yeah!

Kristen Wiig: Hey, Will. I am so excited you’re hosting?

Will Forte: Not a good time.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, yeah.

Will Forte: Yeah. Well, good to see you. Bye-bye.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, so I should go?

Will Forte: Yeah, I think so.

Kristen Wiig: You know, I flew in for this.

Will Forte: Oh, great. So, you know where the airport is?

Kristen Wiig: Alright, well, back to North Korea. It was really hard to get out.

[Kristen Wiig walks out]

Will Forte: Alright. I don’t love that she got more applause than when I came out. You know, I came out once when she was hosting, and I did something in her monologue. But I was polite enough to get less applause than her. Yeah. But look, my point is maybe the universe had a reason for making me wait to host. Maybe it wanted me to wait until MacGruber The series was streaming on Peacock. And speaking of MacGruber, I would like to officially announce the MacGruber has been picked up for season two. [cheers and applause] I would like to announce that. But it hasn’t been picked up yet, so I can’t. We’re waiting to hear. But I can announce that you’re in great hands tonight. You know. Strong, veiny, comedy hands. And look, if I could just take a serious moment, I’d like to say how much this show has meant to me. I started my career here. And they’ve always supported me.

[music starts playing in the backbround]

And wait a second. Are they playing me off? Are you are you playing me off in my own monologue? I waited 12 freakin years for this. I mean, have you seen some of the idiots they’ve had host the show since then. Kristin, Phil, Andy, Fred. Alright, fine. I’ll take one question you sir.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels in the audience]

Lorne Michaels: I’m so sorry Will. There’s been a mistake.

[Willem Dafoe walks in]

Willem Dafoe: Hey!

Will Forte: Wait. Willem Dafoe? You’re hosting next week.

Willem Dafoe: I’m pretty sure it’s this week.

Lorne Michaels: You think I would book someone named Will, then someone named Willem?

Will Forte: My god, this is not happening. But you texted me to come host, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels:I texted Willem and you know, autocorrect.

Will Forte:  Alright, fine, then, you know let’s have the fans decide once and for all.

[The poll “who should host?” appears on the screen. Willem Dafoe – 40%. Kristen Wiig – 40%. Maneskin – 10%. Will Forte – 5%. Abandon show, bring back Tom Hanks – 5%.]

Will Forte: Oh my god. 5%. Oh, I guess people do love me. Alright, we have a great show. I’m here. Maneskin is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Ariana DeBose Monologue

Ariana DeBose

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana DeBose.

[Ariana DeBose walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ariana DeBose: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so honored to be here tonight. Wow. 2020 has already been an exciting year. I am I am hosting SNL and I won a Golden Globe for my role as Anita in “West Side Story”. Now, not many people know this, but West Side Story is actually based on another classic tale of star cross lovers, 90 day fiancé. But it is great to be here representing not only the Latino community as an Afro Latina, but also the Broadway community. Obviously Broadway has been through a lot these last past couple of years, last past anyways. But we are a community that perseveres. I believe Broadway changes lives. I mean, hey, it changed mine. And Broadway has this magical ability to bring people together. And I think we can all use a little Broadway right now. Maybe, maybe a little something for West Side Story?

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: Did I hear sing songs from West Side Story with Kate McKinnon?

Ariana DeBose: Ah, no, but Hi Kate.

Kate: I’m sorry. It’s my favorite show. I’d loved it since elementary school.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, well did you like the movie?

Kate: I didn’t see it. I don’t leave the house because of COVID and also because I don’t leave the house.

Ariana DeBose: Well, in that case, why don’t we bring out some stools and we can sing together?

Kate: No, no, I don’t even know if I even remember the songs. Tonight In a flat. Thanks.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Tonight, tonight
it all began tonight
I saw you and the world went away

Kate: [singing] Tonight, tonight,
there’s only you tonight
what you want, what you do, what you say

Ariana DeBose: That’s pretty good, Kate.

Kate: I’ve been on Broadway.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, you have?

Kate: Yeah, like, the sidewalk.

Ariana DeBose: [singing] I feel pretty, all so pretty
I feel gritty and witty and gay
I pity any girl who isn’t me today

Kate: [singing] See the pretty girl in that mirror there
who can that attractive girl be?
Which, what, where, who?
such a pretty face, such a pretty dress
such a pretty smile

Ariana DeBose: Such a pretty me

I love that song. I mean, just singing it makes me feel pretty.

Kate: Yeah, which is crazy because like an hour ago we were both in sweatpants spooning our 13 year old cats.

Ariana DeBose: Yeah, well, I wasn’t doing that but that’s okay.

Kate: Yeah, me neither.

Ariana DeBose: Well, Mumbo.

[music playing. Ariana DeBose is dancing]

Your turn!

Kate: Oh, no. They know I dance.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Could be

Kate: Who knows?

Ariana DeBose: There’s something new anyday
I will know right away
soon as it shows

Both: It may come cannonballing down the
gleam in its ey bright as rose

Ariana DeBose: I like to e in America
okay, by me in America
everything free in America
for a small flee in America

Kate: Finale.

Both: Today, the minutes seem like hours
the hours go so slowly
and still the sky is light
oh moon, go bright
and make this endless day
endless night, tonight.

Ariana DeBose: Whoa! We have got a great show for you tonight. Bleachers are here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Billie Eilish Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Eilish.

[Billie Eilish walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Billie Eilish: Oh my god. Thank you guys. Hi. How are you doing? I am so excited to be here. My name is Billie Eilish. Thank you. If you don’t know me from my music, you may know me from my hair or my clothes. That is why I decided to dress like Mrs. Claus going to the club. But actually, no, I am only wearing this because after the show, I got to go get married in an anime. Some people wonder why I started wearing baggy clothes. There was actually a good reason. So, it wasn’t just for comfort, or for style. This is hard to say for me. But the real reason I wore big oversized clothes back then is I was actually two kids stacked on top of each other trying to sneak into an R rated movie.

It is so, so great to be back here at SNL. I was the musical guest a couple years ago. But I would never ever think that I would ever host ever. In fact, I used to say that I hated acting. But the truth is when I was little, I loved it. My mom and dad were both actors. So, was my brother Finneas. And it was my dream to be in a movie. And I remember when that dream died. I was nine. And my mom wrote a film inspired by her life. Literally, this is true. She cast my brother Finneas as her son. She played the mom. And in the movie, she had no daughter. So yeah, I got the hint.

I’m kidding. My mom is my best friend. She’s here. I know that you don’t love Finneas more than me. I know that.

[Billie’s mom walks in. He’s Wearing Finneas’ mom t-shirt.]

Mom: I love you, honey.

[She walks out]

Billie Eilish: I love my mom. But that is true. It is so special to be hosting in December. Not only do I love Christmas, and oh my god, it’s so beautiful here in Christmas. Not only do I love Christmas, but my birthday is one week from today. I am turning 20 or as the internet calls that middle aged. But I am actually really excited to get older because I am just now starting to understand who I actually am as a person. And the scary thing about growing up in the public eye is people just decide that everything you say and do and look like is who you are forever. It’s not fair. Would you want to be judged by the way you presented yourself when you’re 16? No. Imagine being current day Colin Jost, and the first thing that comes up when you google yourself is 16 year old Colin Jost. [a picture of young Colin Jost appears on the screen] Yikes. Seen here watching other people go to prom.

But the point is, it takes time and effort to accept who you really are. You’ll be so happy that you did. I spent a lot of years pretending to be somebody that I’m not. Basically acting. And somebody wise once told me, “Billie, you should never ever act.” That person was my mom.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. I am here so stick around and we’ll be right back.

Simu Liu Monologue

Simu Liu

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Simu Liu.

[Simu Liu walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Simu Liu: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Sima Liu. Some of you might know me from Marvel’s Shang Chi and the Legend of the 10 Rings. I am officially Marvel’s first openly Chinese superhero. I’m also the first Chinese host on SNL. to be the fourth Chinese toast on SNL. I’m actually Chinese Canadian and I am so happy to be here for the Thanksgiving show. Now, in Canada, Thanksgiving is actually in October and marks the start of the harvest season. Here in America, things are a little different. It’s a November and it marks the start of Black Friday week on Amazon Prime. But I do have a lot to be thankful for. Now, a lot of people ask me how I landed a role in a Marvel movie. The truth is I got Sang Chi how every Canadian gets their big break by asking politely back. No, no, no. For real. Back in 2014, and this is a true story, I tweeted, “Hey, Marvel, great job with Captain America and Thor. Now how about an Asian superhero?” And at the time, I think the tweet got like 10 likes, which was like 10 more than I usually got. But I worked hard. And five years later, Marvel did make their first Asian superhero movie. And after I got the part, I went online and tweeted, “Thanks for getting back to me.” Clearly. I’m Canadian.

Now, I really can’t believe my life right now because 10 years ago, I actually had a job dressing up as Spider Man for kids birthday parties. Which meant parents would pay me to entertain their kids while they were day drinking. I’ll never forget this one birthday boy’s name was Trevor. And like I don’t want to say anything bad about him, but let’s just say he was a real Trevor. Kicking my shins and screaming, “You’re not Spider Man. You’re not Spider Man.” And look, I don’t know if you’ve ever been kicked by a seven year old while wearing a $30 Walmart Spider Man suit but it will break you. It will break your spirit. But it also lit a fire under me. And I don’t know where he is now. But Trevor, if you’re watching, I just want to say you were right. I’m not Spider Man. I’m Shang Chi, bitch!

We got a great show for you tonight. Saweetie is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Jonathan Majors Monologue

Jonathan Majors

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Majors.

[Jonathan Majors walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jonathan Majors: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m excited to be here. It’s exciting. My name is 1. I’m in a new Netflix The Harder They Fall alongside Edris Elba. It was fun. It was fun filming that movie. But if you ever want to feel bad about how you look, definitely spend two months standing right next to Edris Elba.

Growing up, I’m a military brat. My father was in the Air Force. My mother’s a pastor. So. hallelujah. And I moved around a lot. I like to say I was born in California, raised in Texas, educated in North Carolina, roughed up in New York City and then re educated in New Haven, Connecticut. Which I guess is my roundabout way of saying yeah, I went to Yale.

It’s wild. It’s really wild to be here on this stage. When they told me I was gonna host SNL. I said that’s impossible. For real. I mean, it’s been crazy. It’s been a crazy journey. When I was 17, I was homeless, living in my car, working at Red Lobster and Olive Garden. But you know what? I learned from that experience. You know what I learned? That Red Lobster and Olive Garden are owned by the same parent company. So, you can work in both places with no problem. Side note, it’s crazy how many people got their start at Red Lobster. Both Nicki Minaj and Chris Rock worked there. Now I don’t know what they put in them Cheddar Bay Biscuits but it’s working.

Really, that experience it taught me a lot. It taught me that work hard, if you trust the plan, great things can happen. I’ve got a beautiful daughter. I’m gonna be in the next Marvel Ant-man movie. Or as the black community likes to call it, not Black Panther. And now I am indeed hosting Saturday Night Live. I remember the moment when the way of all that kind of hit me, it finally sank in, I was laying in bed looking at the ceiling and all of a sudden, I got this huge burst of energy, excitement, boom, schedule boy. Something big just happened. And it was okay that it was big. You know? You couldn’t let that bigness scare you and I thought back to this advice my grandpa always gave me. He’d say, “Grandson, everything’s big at first. But you walk up on it, you face it, pretty soon is so small you can put it in your pocket.” Which incidentally is the tagline for the next Ant-man movie.

Alright, look. We got a great show for you all tonight. Taylor Swift is in the house. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Kieran Culkin Monologue

Kieran Culkin

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kieran Culkin .

[Kieran Culkin  walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kieran Culkin: Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so happy to be here right now. I’m Kieran Culkin. For the past few years, I’ve been working on a show called Succession. I play Roman Roy. He’s one of the nicer characters on the show which still makes him one of the top 10 worst humans on TV. This thing happens. Sometimes people will be like, “You know, that part really suits you.” Which isn’t really a compliment. It’s sort of like going up to someone and saying, “You know what role will fit you like a glove? Giuliani.” Aww.

But it’s been a big year. My wife and I just welcomed our second child in August. [cheers and applause] I love being dad. It’s great. And I got asked to host Saturday Night Live. Which has always been– It’s just been a dream of mine. And I gotta say, my wife has been really supportive and just wonderful throughout the process but I have this feeling that she’s been terrified for me. Just very nervous and I think she thinks I’m gonna mess up or something, but Jazz, I don’t know where you are, there you are. I just want to assure you that everything is going to be fine because it doesn’t matter even if I do mess up and “Shame the family”. Thank you. We’re gonna be great.

I actually don’t think that’s gonna happen. That’s really not gonna happen tonight because this isn’t my first time being here. I have been on this very stage. I was on an episode of SNL back when my brother Mac hosted 30 years ago. Almost to the day. I was nine years old. I got to be in three sketches. Two of which are non problematic. That’s good. And at the end of the show, I got to be on the stage for the goodnights and I think we have a clip. Can we show it?

[Cut to an old clip of SNL. The casts are carrying Macauli Culkin on their shoulders and Kieran Culkin is down looking at him.]

So, there’s my brother. And the cast is lifting him up on their shoulders. And there boom. There I am. Clearly jealous. My brother’s up there. He’s got his arms up all like victorious and I’m down there on the ground like, “Me, I want uppies”. So, check out what I do next. I ask Kevin Nilen to pick me up. And he goes, “Yeah, okay, sure.” Just got handed out to the cameras. I don’t know what that was. Like, De Niro impression? I don’t know. Anyway, I wanted to show you that clip two reasons. One in the hopes that someone from the cast will pick me up again at the end of the show. And two, because I have waited 30 years to be back on this stage and say… We’ve got a greta show for you tonight. Ed Sheerran is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.