Larry David Stand Up Monologue

Larry David

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David.

[Larry David walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Larry David: Alright, that’s enough. That’s enough. That’s enough. You tolerate me. You really, really tolerate me. Look at this, what a wonderful greeting. What a beautiful greeting. [cheers and applause] It’s nice to be in New York. You know, I used to live here for many years. And I had nothing. I was a total loser. In fact, I used to walk around outside looking for spots to live in for when I became homeless. Once I found a spot with a ventilator with heat coming out. I though, “Oh, my god. I struck gold. I got to put a deposit down on this place.”

For a while, I was a private chauffeur for an old woman who was kind of blind. She was blind as a bat. Let’s face it. I cannot say enough wonderful things about the blind boss. You can really get away with murder. The car was filthy. There was bird poop all over it. She had no idea.

You know, I didn’t date much at that time. And I was very desperate. Yet, I was also very particular. It’s an odd combination. You know? I had that common with Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame who like me also had nothing to offer, yet was extremely particular, very superficial. He had to go out with the best looking woman in Paris. Nobody else was good enough for Quasimodo. His friends would try to fix him up. “Quasi, there is a great girl in my office. Lovely girl. Wonderful personality. She’s a gifted pianist, a gourmet chef. I think you two would really hit it off.” [acting like Quasimodo] “Is she good looking? She’s gotta be good looking.” “Is she good looking? Quasi, listen to me. I told her about the hump. She’s cool with the hump. And I told her how hideous your face is and how deformed and grotesque you are. You know what she said? ‘I don’t care. It’s fine. Who cares about all that stuff? It’s all superficial, as long as he’s nice to me. That’s what’s important.'” [acting like Quasimodo] “Does she have big jugs? I like me some big jugs. Got to have big ones.” “Listen to me, you’re mutant, you’re a monster. You’re a freak!” [acting like Quasimodo] “You’re not going to fix me with some dog.”

The big difference in dating now is that I used to keep a condom in my wallet. Now I just have a little booklet listing which fish have the highest mercury content. Really cool guy. If you want to seal the deal, whip out that little booklet on a dinner date. “Oh, hey, look at this. We can get the flounder, huh? Who else can tell you to get flounder? Do I take care of you or what?”

I think I’m doing quite well. [cheers and applause] Alright, shut up. So, you know, a lot of sexual harassment stuff in the news up late. And I couldn’t help but notice a very disturbing pattern of emerging which is that many of the predators, not all, but many of them [hesitates to speak] are Jews. And I have three words to say to that. “Oy vey zmir.” I don’t like it when Jews are in the headlines for notorious reasons. I want “Einstein discovers the theory of relativity.” “Salk cures polio.” What I don’t want? “Weinstein took it out.” I know I consistently strive to be a good jewish representative. [applause] When people see me, I want them to say, “Oh, there goes a fine Jew for you. There’s a fine Jew. Margaret, come here. Come here. I want you to meet this wonderful Jew. Nothing stereotypical about him. If not for the self deprecation and the irritable bowel syndromes, you would never know in a million years.”

You know, I’ve always been obsessed with women. And I have often wondered if I had grown up in Poland when Hitler came to power and was sent to a concentration camp, would I still be checking out women in the camp? I think I would. “Hey, slo-mo. Slo-mo. Look at that one from Barrack C. Oh my god, is she gorgeous? I have my eye on her for weeks. Yeah. I’d like to go up and say something to her.” Of course, the problem is, there are no good opening lines in a concentration camp. “How’s it going? They treating you okay? You know, if we ever get out of here, I’d love to take you out for some latkes. Do you like Latkes? Huh? What? What did I say? Is it me or is it the whole thing? It’s coz I’m bald, isn’t it?”

Anyway, we have got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Kumail Nanjiani Stand Up Monologue

Kumail Nanjiani

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kumail Nanjiani.

[Kumail Nanjiani walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kumail Nanjiani: Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Haha. I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’ right now. That is what is happening. I’m so excited. I can’t believe I’m here. I remember, since I was a little kid in Pakistan, I remember on Saturday nights, my whole family would get together and watch ‘Star Trek’. We didn’t get ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This is awesome. Um, I had a movie earlier this summer called ‘The Bic Sick’. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Um, people who don’t know, ‘The Big Sick’ is the true story of the first year of the relationship between my eventual wife and I, and my wife Emily is a white American person. And my parents wanted me to marry a Muslim Pakistani person. Things didn’t quite go their way– I’m getting ahead of myself. I was the second person from my family to leave Pakistan and come to the west. I had an uncle decades before me who was going to Scotland and the Nanjianis were very excited. And they were like, “Hey, remember the deal. Be good.” And he was like, “Yeah. Got it.” And then he got to Scotland, fell in love with a white woman, married her and the Nanjianis were like, “Never again. Let’s regroup. Let’s tighten this up.” And then for decades, nobody left. The next person who left was me 40 years later. I came to America, fell in love with a white woman, married her, and then made a movie about it. Just to rub it in their face. Nanjiani-0, white women-2. When I called my mom to tell her, she wasn’t even upset. She was like, “You know what? This time, shame on us.”

The movie was well received, mostly. I read everything online which don’t do that. I read a guy said, “I watched the whole movie. I just don’t like race mixing thing.” Yeah. First of all, nobody good ever uses the phrase “race mixing”. Even if someone was like, “I’m pro-race-mixing,” I’d be like, “Why are you talking like that? Are you an undercover KKK dragon?” The other thing, why did you watch the whole movie? Were you hoping for a twist at the end? did you think at the end I’d rip off my mask like, “Ha-ha, it’s me, Chris Pine. I am a white person.” The only thing worth mixing is frisbee and golf. Let’s go eat some ranch dressing.

My twitter mentions were a little bit of a nightmare after the movie. A lot of people were like, “Go back to India!” Which I have never been to India. Or were you just hoping I have an awesome vacation soon? Here’s my fantasy. This is my fantasy. My fantasy is when someone’s racist to me, I want to danger to befall them immediately. And then I want to rescue them just to see the confused look on their face. Like, I want them to be like, “Go back to India. Ha-ha. Wolves!” And then I fight off the wolves and they’re like, “We were racist to you and you still saved us.” and I go, “That is the way of my people.”

Islamophobia is really on the rise right now. It never went away but it’s really having a moment right now. Islamophobia is kind of like ‘Will and grace’. You know. It was a huge a while ago, then it was gone and we thought it was done but now it’s back and bigger than ever. Thursdays on NBC. They make me say that.

I saw a guy be like, “Of course all muslims are sexist. The Quran says women can’t drive.” Yeah, pretty sure the Quran never said that. Because if the Quran had said women can’t drive cars 1400 years ago, I would be at the mosque right now and so would all of you. Because that would mean the Quran predicted cars. If 1400 years ago, the Quran was like, “Some day there will be metallic box that will carry you wherever you want. And it will have four wheels. And you will have to put gasoline in it. And it will have a little speedometer to tell you how fast you are going. And it will have a bluetooth connection. And women shouldn’t drive it.” I would be like, “I know two things for sure. Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” [applause]

I am so glad you laughed at that coz otherwise it sounds like I’m just giving a divisive speech. “Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” That will definitely be the quote on the internet tomorrow.

Sikh people get attacked all the time for being Muslim. Spoiler alert, they’re not. But they’re brown and they wear turbans so people attack them for being Muslim. Which must put them in such an awkward position because they’re like, “I”m not Muslim. Not that you should attack Muslims. But if you’re looking to attack Muslims, which you shouldn’t, I’m not one. There is a Muslim right over there. Don’t attack him. Unless somebody’s definitely getting attacked, in which case, get it right, which is wrong.”

Which brings me to my problem with most racism. Here is my problem with most racism. It’s the inaccuracy. That’s what bugs me. I’m like, “Do the research! Put in work! You will see the benefits.” I’ll give you an example. If someone yells at me, “Go back to India,” I’d be like, “That guy’s an idiot.” But if someone was like, “Go back to Pakistan which was part of India until 1947 and is now home to the world’s world’s oldest salt mine,” I would be like, “that guys seems to know what he’s talking about. I’ll pack my bags.” Just because you’re racist doesn’t mean you have to be ignorant. And informed racist is a better racist.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Pink is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Gal Gadot Monologue

Gal Gadot

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Gal Gadot.

[Gal Gadot walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Gal Gadot: Thank you. Thank you so much. Wow! I’m so happy to be here. Thank you. I’m so happy to be here. Okay, yes, I know I have an accent. Obviously I’m not from here. That’s right. I’m from Albuquerque. No, just kidding. I grew up in Israel. And this is so exciting for me because tonight’s show is being broadcast live in Israel for the very first time ever.

[cheers and applause]

Hi, ma. Hi, Abba. And I actually have a quick message for the rest of my friends and family back home. So, excuse me. [speaking foreign language]

Subtitle reading: Hi everybody. I just want to let you know that this might be a big mistake. The writers here clearly know nothing about Israel. In every sketch they have me eating hummus. I mean, I like hummus, but come on. They’re nice, but they’re not very sophisticated. I think they believe that I’m actually Wonder Woman. So good luck to me. I’m hoping for the best.

Gal Gadot: Now, most of you know me as Wonder Woman. And I loved doing the movie because it inspired so many young girls to be their own heroes.

[Leslie Jones walks in wearing Wonder Woman costume] [cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Tell me about it. Yeah. We really do inspire people, don’t we?

Gal Gadot: [laughing] I’m sorry, who are you?

Leslie Jones: I’m the Time Square’s Wonder Woman. You know how you take picture with young girls who look up to you? I do the same with German tourists.

Gal Gadot: Oh, wait. Like, the Time Square Elmo?

Leslie Jones: Um, yeah. But Elmo’s a freak. Any time you see one of his costume arms hanging down limp, he’s up to something.

Gal Gadot: Got it. Got it.

Leslie Jones: Okay, I just wanted to tell you that I’m a big fan and I love how you portrayed our character in the ‘Wonder Woman’ movie. I just saw it on DVD.

Gal Gadot: Oh! So you didn’t get to go to the theater to see the movie?

Leslie Jones: Well, the DVD I bought was shot in the theater. But the important thing is we are an inspiration to women everywhere.

Gal Gadot: That’s right. Women can be any kind of Wonder Woman they want to be.

Leslie Jones: Damn right.

Gal Gadot: My Wonder Woman has bracelets to stop bullets.

Leslie Jones: Um. And I’ve got bracelet that tells the paramedics what blood type is.

Gal Gadot: I have an invisible jet.

Leslie Jones: Oh. And I got a fake handicap sticker that makes my car invisible to meter maids.

Gal Gadot: Um, I have a lasso that makes people tell you the truth.

Leslie Jones: And bitch, I got vodka. Let’s take a selfie. You know, us Wonder Women got to stick together. Yeah. Can I get $5?

Gal Gadot: What?

Leslie Jones: Ha-ha. You give it to me later. I just love you.

Gal Gadot: Oh, we got a great show for you tonight. Sam Smith is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Ryan Gosling Jazz Monologue

Ryan Gosling

Kenan Thompson

Emma Stone

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling.

[Ryan Gosling walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ryan Gosling: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so honored to be here hosting SNL again. It’s my second time. It’s the season premiere. Jay-Z is here. I mean, I haven’t felt this excited since I saved Jazz. [audience laughing] You guys know I saved Jazz, right? I mean I did this movie La La Land and then everyone was saying that I saved jazz. I guess it was dying and I saved it. But more importantly, I have a movie coming out called Blade Runner 2049 with Harrison Ford. [cheers and applause] Yes, it’s very exciting. It opens in a week. And yes, for those of you who are curious, I was the last person who thought he would save jazz. I mean I was like, “Me, Ryan Gosling, all like a white kid from Canada, I guess I can try and save jazz.” So, I did. Anyway, that’s beside the point.

The first day of shooting on Blade Runner, I met Harrison Ford and he walks right up to me and he looks me right in the eye and he says, “Ryan, what the heck is jazz?” Well, let me unpack that a little for you, Harrison.

[Ryan Gosling takes a seat to play the piano] [cheers and applause]

I learned this jazz on the movie. It’s like music in motion. The notes are talking to each other and giving each other a little kiss. But sometimes, notes get into fights and this one stops talking to that one. And then this one is like, “Screw you guys, I’m doing my own thing.” But you know what? They always make up. [Ryan Gosling lights up a cigarette using his both hands, but the piano is still playing] Now, jazz was born in New Orleans or as it’s correctly pronounced, Nerlens. And then from Nerlens– From Nerlens they moved on to Chicagi and then to NYC city. And let me tell you, jazz was the thing. Jazz was where it was at. And then it almost died and I saved it.

The budget for Blade Runner was insane. It was like 9 billion. 9 billion. As many notes as there are in jazz. But jazz isn’t just about the notes you play. It’s about, the notes you don’t play. You know what I mean? I’m so glad I saved jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up, man?

Ryan Gosling: Oh, hey, Kenan.

[Kenan Thompson pulls Ryan Gosling to the stage away from piano]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah.

Ryan Gosling: What’s up?

Kenan Thompson: Just would love to chat with you in private a little bit. Yeah, we’re done with that. Thanks. Dude, what are you doing out here? You talking about jazz and Chicai and Nerlens, and nobody wants to hear you do that.

[Kenan Thompson pulls the cigarette out of Ryan Gosling’s mouth]

Ryan Gosling: Said the guy who didn’t save jazz.

Kenan Thompson: You didn’t save jazz. It was sarcasm. It was a joke.

Ryan Gosling: Well, I don’t care, Kenan. Because jazz is all about going with the flow, and this is the flow I’m feeling right now.

Kenan Thompson: Well, you are a bad ambassador for jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks away]

Ryan Gosling: [pointing at the band] These guys know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Huh? Come on, hit it.

[the band start playing jazz music]

You see, the sax is ripping with the guitars. Hold on. Guys, guys, guys. Quiet, quiet, quiet, please, please. The thing is if you play jazz that loud, then people can’t hear me talking about jazz. That’s what we’re all here for, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

[Emma Stone walks in]

Emma Stone: Hey, hey! Ryan! Ryan! [cheers and applause] Can I speak to you for just a second?

Ryan Gosling: Emma, didn’t you hear? I just jazz good with the guys.

Emma Stone: Yeah. I did. You jazz fine. What are you doing? Ryan, you didn’t save jazz. How many times  have we talked about this?

Ryan Gosling: A lot.

Emma Stone: Yeah. A lot. Because you didn’t save jazz. We saved jazz. [Emma Stone takes a puff of a cigarette] [cheers and applause]

Isn’t that right, NYC city?

Ryan Gosling: You’re right. [band playing music] We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Emma Stone: Jay-Z is here.

Ryan Gosling: So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Dwayne Johnson Five-Timers Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Alec Baldwin

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Ou! I know Thank you. It has been so great to be here hosting the season finale of ‘Saturday Night Live’. [cheers and applause] And tonight is extra special for me because this is my 5th time hosting this amazing show.[cheers and applause] So, thank you guys so much. But, you know, I really don’t want to make big deal about it.

[Alec Baldwin walks in]

Alec Baldwin: And yet, we must.

Dwayne Johnson: Alec, my friend! Um, weren’t you just in the Cold Open?

Alec Baldwin: Oh, it’s never enough doing that. What a season it’s been for me. But tonight is not about me. It’s about you. I’m here to officially welcome you into the five timers’ club. [snaps his fingers] Shall we?

[cheers and applause] [Alex Moffat brings in the 5 timers’ robe and puts it on Dwayne Johnson. It’s the same robe as Alec is wearing.]

Dwayne Johnson: Wow! Thank you. See? Thank you so much. It is an honor to get this from you. And I gotta tell you, Alec. You have been amazing playing the president this year.

Alec Baldwin: I can’t take all the credit. I have to thank the– um– [snapping his fingers] what do you call those pale people who take the subway?

Dwayne Johnson: Um, writers.

Alec Baldwin: Yes, them. I love them.

Dwayne Johnson: Well, you know, Alec, it’s funny. You know? A lot of people have been telling me lately that, well, I should fun for president of the United States. Yes, yes. And I gotta tell you, it’s very flattering. But tonight, I want to put that to rest and just say once and for all, I’m in!

[cheers and applause]

Yes! Starting tonight, I am running for president of the United States. Yes. And I gotta tell you. I have already chosen my running mate. [pointing at Alec Baldwin] He is also in the five timers’ club. And like me, he is very well liked, charming, universally adored by pretty much every human alive.

Alec Baldwin: Dwayne, I would be honored to–

Dwayne Johnson: Mr. Tom Hanks, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tom Hanks walks in wearing the same five timers’ robe. Alec Baldwin is embarrassed.] [cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Stop! Stop! Dwayne! Dwayne! I could not possibly turn this down. I will do it. I am in. Let’s go!

Dwayne Johnson: We’re in.

Alec Baldwin: Yes! Yes. I will be in the cabinet.

Dwayne Johnson: No!

Alec Baldwin: Because all three of us are equally beloved. Not a single black mark on any of our public personas.

Tom Hanks: Yeah, sure. Hey, Alec, I think I saw Lorne talking to your wife.

Alec Baldwin: I’m gonna break that son of a bitch’s neck! [Alec Baldwin runs towards the studio]

Tom Hanks: Happens every time.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. It happens every time. Yes. Yes. Now, in the past, I never would have considered running for president. I didn’t think I was qualified. But now, I’m actually worried that I’m too qualified.

Tom Hanks: Well, the truth is, America needs us. No one can seem to agree on anything anymore except for two things…

Dwayne Johnson: Pizza and us.

Tom Hanks: And us. I mean, I have been in two movies where a plane crashes and people are still excited to see me on their flight.

Dwayne Johnson: That’s true. That’s true. It’s very true. That’s true. True story. You know, and I one time ran a red light and the traffic cam footage alone made a billion dollars. Tom, I think we’re unstoppable.

Tom Hanks: Dwayne, together we would get 100% of the vote. I would get the senior vote, because I fought in World War II in like, 10 different movies.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. Yes. And I of course would get the minority vote because everyone just assumes that I’m, well, whatever they are.

Tom Hanks: You’re Portuguese.

Dwayne Johnson: I am. Ha-ha-ha.

Tom Hanks: Plus, between us, we could handle any crisis. If god forbid, we could go to war, I can assure the nation…

[music playing]

…we will sacrifice and we will suffer, but in the end we will win because we are the Americans and that is what Americans do.

Dwayne Johnson: That is amazing. That is amazing. That’s amazing. And if god forbid, California splits off and falls into the ocean, well, that’s my area.

[music playing]

Dammit! If I don’t get down to the fault line and detonate the warhead the entire state is going to sink! Fuel up the submarine and tell the secret service to pack my trunks. The president’s going for a swim.

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Man, there was a lot going on there.

Dwayne Johnson: There is. It’s how I roll, Hanksy. Yeah. But listen, America, before you get too excited, this isn’t real. Tom and I are joking.

Tom Hanks: Yeah. I just wanted to be on TV with Dwayne.

Dwayne Johnson: [laughing] Yes. Well, you know, it’s just that when it comes to politics, we need more poise and less noise. Americans deserve strong, capable leaders. Leaders who care about this country and care about its people.

Tom Hanks: Wow. Um, Dwayne, that kind of sounds like you and me. I guess we got to do it! Come on! Let’s go!

[A backdrop with ‘Johnson Hanks 2020’ written on it is dropped]

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Hanks: We’re doing it! There you are! There you are! There you are!

Dwayne Johnson: We have got a great show. Katy Perry is here. Stick around. Hanks and Johnson will be right back.

Melissa McCarthy’s Mother’s Day Monologue

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.

[Melissa McCarthy walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Melissa McCarthy: Hello. Hello. Thank you. Wow! Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s great to be hosting Saturday Night Live for the 5th time which is amazing. But even more than that is it’s amazing that tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Right? And I’m lucky to have two great girls. I’m a mom and I am lucky to be the daughter of a great mom Sandy McCarthy who always sends me flowers on Mother’s Day. I know. It’s so sweet. But you know what? I’m looking out here and I’m seeing all these people and I want to see everyone who is a mother. I want to see you up. I want to see everyone who is a mother up. [Mothers in the audience stand] Let’s cheer these ladies. Come on! Take your moment. Come on. Every single one of these ladies who stood up have not been to the bathroom alone since they gave birth. They haven’t had a hot meal in years. All of our purses are filled with weird cracker crumbs and dirty Purell bottles and that’s okay. Now, what’s your name?

Quarn: Quarn.

Melissa McCarthy: Quarn. How many kids do you have?

Quarn: TWo.

Melissa McCarthy: What are their names?

Quarn: Emma and Sam.

Melissa McCarthy: And are they with you today?

Quarn: They are not.

Melissa McCarthy: [looking at the camera as message to her kids] Shame on you. I don’t get their flowers for like, months. It’ll be great. It’ll be really good. And what is your name?

Joen: Joen.

Melissa McCarthy: Joen. How many kids do you have?

Joen: I have two, also.

Melissa McCarthy: Two, what do you have?

Joen. A girl and a boy, Sarah and Will.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, Sarah and will. Alright. Now, since my mom can’t be here, I need a little mom time. Can I give you a tour of the SNL back stage that only hosts get to see?

Joen: I would love to.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay. You will be my surrogate mom for the day. Let’s go. We’ve only got 90 seconds. [Melissa McCarthy runs with Joen to the backstage] This is a quick change area, Joen. This is where they rip your clothes off– [Melissa McCarthy opens the curtain, Alec Baldwin dressed as Donald Trump is inside]

Alec: Hi!

Melissa McCarthy: Get your pants on, Alec. They let us steal the clothes too if you just run fast enough. Nobody says anything. Now, this is the paint desk.  You can ask her for anything. Food, transportation, gum.

Joen: Hi.

Melissa McCarthy: What do we want? Oh, foot cream and a bottle of ketchup.

[the staff give them a foot cream and a ketchup.]

Oh, my god. It worked. Okay, that’s for you. Buy guys. Thanks. Let’s keep stealing stuffs. These are some of the cast dressing rooms. Now, this was one of the SNL legends. It’s the hallway llama. [There’s a llama in the hallway]  You can touch her. Just touch her on the neck. She’s had a lot of face work done. She’s an actress. It will eat your hat. Let’s go. We gotta keep going. This is where they do all the cue-cards. This is getting into the paint thing. These are– [They run into Ryan Reynalds and Blake Lively] Hi! Oh my god!

Ryan Reynolds: Hey!

Melissa McCarthy: Oh my god!

[cheers and applause]

Ryan Reynolds: [hugging Joen] Congratulations!

Blake Lively: Happy Mother’s Day!

Joen: Thank you.

Melissa McCarthy: What are you guys doing here?

Ryan Reynolds: You invited us.

Melissa McCarthy: Yes! Yes, I did.

Blake Lively: Do we get seats? Are you gonna get us seats?

Melissa McCarthy: Yes, you will get seats. You wanna watch it from back here. These are the good seats. [Melissa McCarthy starts walking away]  I may have been drinking when I invited them. So, it’s fine.

Joen: Maybe I should give them my seat?

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, don’t give it up. Here, [giving her a shot] The Livelys’ are fine. They can handle it. [Melissa McCarthy and Joen drinks the shot] Oh, dear god!

Joen: Whoo!

Melissa McCarthy: We gotta get past the paint. Okay, Joen, come on. Oh, here’s Mooney. [runs into Kyle Mooney] He just likes to stand here. [You’re gonna have to tell him he is your favorite cast member, or he won’t let us pass.

Joen: You are my favorite.

Kyle: Oh, thank you so much.

Melissa McCarthy: He tends to hang out.

[Kyle hugs Joen tightly]

Okay! Okay! Kyle! Kyle! Too much. Too much. [Joen is laughing] Kyle thinks anyone over 23 might be his mom. So he gets a little creepy sometimes. There’s a lot of stuff. No one has ever been down this stretch before. We’re just gonna say we’re hosting the show. [they run into HAIM] This is our musical guest. Here’s HAIM. Say hello, ladies. Hello, hello, we gotta go. Come up here. Be careful. If we lose you–

Joen: Oh, this way?

Melissa McCarthy: –I’m afraid they won’t pay me. so, get up the stairs, careful, careful. Now, you know where you are?

Joen: No.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay, wait.

Joen: Oh, my god!

Melissa McCarthy: That’s behind the band. You’re gonna host SNL. You’re a mom. You is kind, you is smart, you is important. Hit it!

Joen: Yay!

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Joen!

[Joen walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause] [Melissa McCarthy walks in after few seconds]

Melissa McCarthy: Happy Mother’s Day and thanks to all. Thanks to all the great kids for letting us be your mom. Now, read this part with me.

Melissa McCarthy and Joen: We have got a great show. HEIM is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back.

Chris Pine Monologue

Chris Pine

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Pine.

[Chris Pine walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Chris Pine: Thank you everybody. I am absolutely thrilled to be here. This is my first time hosting SNL. [cheers and applause] I appreciate it. I was here once before actually. I did a walk on during Weekend Update when the first Star Trek movie came out. You know, Lorne was impressed that I did such a good job. I could come back eight years later. As many of you know, I have a movie coming out this weekend. It’s called Guardians of the Galaxy.

[cheers and applause]

See? You see?

[audience laughing]

I knew that was gonna happen. I’m not in Guardians of the Galaxy. That’s Chris Pratt. I am Chris Pine. Look, Leslie knows who I am. Leslie, can you help me out?

[Leslie Jones walks in] [cheers and applause]

Now, Leslie has seen all of my movies. Tell them who I am, Leslie.

Leslie: You Captain America, Chris Evans.

Chris Pine: I’m Chris Pine.

Leslie: Hemsworth.

Chris Pine: No, I’m–

Leslie: Pine! That’s good enough. Come on. [Leslie takes a selfie with Chris Pine] Thank you, Thor.

Chris Pine: No, it’s not- not- not Thor.

[Leslie walks out]

Thank you, Leslie.

Okay, you know what? I’m gonna settle this once and for all right now. Will you bring out the poster I shipped in?

[Someone brings in the poster. There are pictures of Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pratt and Chris Pine.]

I had a small feeling this might happen. I just want to clear things up for everybody here and at home. Chris Evans, right? Chris Hemsworth. Chris Pratt. [pointing at himself] Chris Pine. Hit it guys.

[music playing] [singing] I’m not that Chris
I look just like him but I’m not that Chris.
not Pratt or Hemsworth, I’m a different guy
not Evans either, look I’ve got my own cool vibe

We’re all white guys but these aren’t the white guys I am
I’m six feet tall and Chris Evans…

Chris Evans is six feet as well.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: Chris, oh my god. Hello.

Chris Pine: Kate! Kate!

Kate: Yes!

Chris Pine: You know who I am! Right?

Kate: Yes, of course. You’re Chris Pine, man!

Chris Pine: Yes!

Kate: [looking at the note she has written on her hand] You’re in Star Trek. And um… [peeks at her hand again] Wonder Woman.

Chris Pine: Exactly. I just don’t understand how people confuse us.

Kate: Well, I think– you know what? I think it’s because you’re all named Chris, and you’re all kind of scruffy and squinty and jacked, but in a sweet way.

Chris Pine: Thank you.

Kate: Is this set to “Up town girl”?

Chris Pine: Yes! Yes, it is! [Chris Pine pushes Kate McKinnon away] [singing] Different Chris
The only one with finger prints like this
you might have have a good eyes
but look real close coz I’m a different guy

[Kate McKinnon walks in again]

Kate: I thought of another way that all the Chris’s are the same.

Chris Pine: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Kate: You’re always at the airport wearing ta raggedy t’s that are tight just around the packs. And you have bracelets with like wooden beads from Bali or wherever.

Chris Pine: I have one but it is from Hawaii. Thank you so much.

[Chris Pine pushes Kate McKinnon out again] [Pete Davidson bring in a poster with Chris Evans and Chris Pine’s picture.] [singing] Uptown girl

See, Chris Evan’s character is Steve Rogers, right? And in Wonder Woman, I play Steve Trevor. Right? Completely different Steve played different Chris altogether.

Pete: [pointing at Chris Evans] Are you this one?

Chris Pine: Hey! [pointing at his poster] That’s my face, man!

Pete: Nah! I think that’s Ryan Reynolds.

[Pete Davidson walks out with the poster]

Chris Pine: [singing] ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

I’m Chris Pine!

Pa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aq

I’m Chris Pine!

Hey! Alright! We’ve got a great show. LCD Soundsystem is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

Jimmy Fallon Let’s Dance Monologue

Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Fallon.

[Jimmy Fallon walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you very much. It is so great. I love you. I love you. It’s so great to be back here on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This is where it all started for me. And I’m so happy to come home. Tonight is extra special because this is the first time in SNL history that we are going out live coast to coast all across the country and Canada. Tonight is bigger than a show. It’s a party.

[band playing music]

Hello, Chicago. Hello, San Fransisco. We’re out here at New York city.

Hello Montreal. Hello Houston, Colorado, New Hampshire.

[Jimmy Fallon stars dancing and walking around at the audience side]

Brooklyn!

[Jimmy Fallon calls the audience, and they stand and dance with him too] [singing] Let’s dance
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let’s dance
on song they’re playing on the radio

[Harry Styles joins]
Let’s Sway
from the lights of you face
Let’s Sway
sway through the crowd to an empty space

If you say run, I’ll run with you
If you say hide, we’ll hide

Because my love for you
would break my heart in two
if you should fall into my arms
and tremble like a flower 

[guitar solo]

Let’s dance

put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let’s sway
under the moonlight, this serious moonlight

If you say run, I’ll run with you
If you say hide, we’ll hide

Because my love for you
would break my heart in two
if you should fall into my arms
and tremble like a flower

[music stops]

We have got a great show tonight! Harry Styles is here! Stick around and we’ll be right back!

Louis C.K. Stand-Up Monologue

Louis C.K.

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K..

[Louis C.K. walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Louis C.K.: Yes. Yes. that’s right. That’s right. That’s appropriate. Here’s a joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? Coz there was a black guy walking behind him and he was nervous. He was new to the city, this chicken, and he was like, “I feel like he is following me. But I’m not sure.” But then he thought, “Maybe if I cross the road, then if he crosses the road, he’s definitely following me.” So he crossed the road. And the black guy went home. He’s just living his life. And the chicken was like, “I’m such a racist.” He felt bad. But about a month later, a black guy ate the chicken. Different black guy. I’m just telling you what happened. Wait, wait. Don’t be upset coz this is not a racist joke. This joke is not racist. The chicken was racist. The chicken was definitely racist. But that’s chickens. Chickens are very closed down, sort of suspicious and prejudice. You kind of can’t blame them considering that their species murder rate is 100%. That’s why chickens are like, [looking around suspiciously] . there’s no friendly chickens. You can feed the same chicken every day. He’s like, “I’m not coming over there, you black son of a bitch. I know what you want! I’m not your soup yet, you jew.”

I like animals. I like thinking about animals. I like wondering what animals are thinking. Nobody knows what any animal thinks. You can ask an animal any question and the conversation is over. I wonder if– the giraffe. The giraffes– Are giraffes up there going, [freaking out] “Whoa! It’s too high! Hey, horse! Horse!” “What, man?” “Look at this. It’s crazy.” “Yeah, your’e a giraffe.” “Yeah, but look at my neck.” “Phrr.” That’s why horses make that noise. If you’re near a horse, and he does that, that’s because you suck.

Does a moose look different when it’s surprised? Did you see a moose? They always have this, [looking around with eyes wide open]. I saw a moose once in person, or in moose. Maybe I was projecting because I was like, “Oh, my god! It’s a moose.” And he looked like he was going. “Oh my god! I’m a moose!” Every moose looks like a dude who just got turned into a moose before you looked at him.

I’m thinking of buying a goat. I’m thinking of buying a goat because I want to have a trash can that I can make love to. So that’s why I’m going to buy a goat. So I can have sex with a trash can. I can do that with a trash can I have now but a goat has a vagina. That makes it a lot better. [crowed disgusted] I don’t care that your’e upset. I’m still getting the goat.

I love doing this. This is my favorite thing to do, standup comedy. I have been doing this for 32 years now. [cheers and applause] And it’s been– 32 years. And it’s been going great for four years. Four years, it has been great. 28 years, I struggled. But you know what? I was happy then too. I was always happy when I was struggling coz when your life sucks, it just sucks. You don’t expect anything else. When your life gets good, you start expecting it till you get unhappy. This is what happens. Like, now I stay in beautiful 5-star hotels and I’m miserable. I used to stay in motels. Not even like a nice motels with like, name Motel 6. I stayed in just Motel. Not even a name. Like they built it and one guy’s like, “What should we name it?” And the other guys is like, “What? Last time you took a dump, did you name it?”

You know those motels that are right on the highway where you ride by and you’re like, “Who is inside of that?” It’s right on the highway. Literally, you open the door and there’s a truck. And when you– There’s a little shower, and as soon as you get in the shower, you’re dirtier now. They give you a little soap and you have to peel off the paper, and then it just makes a rash. You can write your name in a skin disease with the soap. And there’s always two beds and one bed has a big pool of sperm right in the middle of it. I don’t know why. Big deep pool with a current. Hide tide in the sperm pool! Where’s the boats?

I stayed in place like that for years and I was happy. Because what are you going to do? Complain to the motel? What are you gonna do? Call the front desk in a motel? “I want to speak to the manager.” “Well, he’s dead. Somebody duck taped him to a chair and shot him in the head because he owed him $15. Now I stay at beautiful 5-star hotels and I’ miserable, I’m always upset. First of all, I don’t like them. I’m not used to it. I don’t like the fanciness.  I don’t like that they tie your bathrobe into a swan that we have to dismantle. And I don’t like it when you call room service, they have to say a long flowery ‘hello’ before you get to talk about food. This is how they answer the phone at room service at fancy hotel like, “Hello [gibberish].” I hate it! I never let them. I call them, they’re like, “Hello–“. “Stop. Stop. Stop. Coffee. Don’t read it back.” I’m mean.

Also, if you stay in fancy hotels, you get used to it so you start getting upset when things aren’t perfect. Like, one time, my laundry wasn’t there. I had laundry. I was waiting for it. So I called housekeeping. Now they don’t answer the phone all fancy at housekeeping. This is how she answers the phone. She goes, “Hello?” and I actually said this to her. I said, “Do you want to try that again?” Yes, I’m letting you know about me. That’s what I said. “Did I reach you on your personal phone today?” So she says, “What do you need, sir?” And I said, “Well, I don’t have my laundry. And I gave it to you.” She said, “You didn’t give it to me.” I was like, “Oh my god, I’m so excited, coz I get to be really mad.” I said, “I gave it to your department and I was promised–“, like it’s in the constitution that you get your laundry. “I was promised I’d have it in 24 hours and it’s been longer.” She said, “What do you want me to do about it?” So, I got really mad. I said, “Listen, ma’am. First of all, you can hear in my voice that I’m white.” [crowd responding negatively] By the way, I’ll defend that right now. I will defend that. Because look, it’s wrong that white people get preferential treatment. It’s wrong. But as long as they do, what’s going on at this hotel? I’m supposed to get the best. Because I’m white… which is awful and wrong, but where is it right now?

So she got sick of me and she says, “Do you want to speak to manager?” I said yes. So the manager comes on, “Hello, Ned speaking. [gibberish]” I said, “I’m very upset!” He was like, “Oh! I’m so white sorry white sir. What white happened today?” I said, “I don’t have my laundry.” He was like, [freaking out] “Ah!” He said, “I will conduct an investigation.” I was like, “Yes! That’s a very white thing to do. I want a white investigation with my laundry!” So he said, “I will call you back in five minutes or less.” Hmm. So, I was waiting in my room like, [laughing proudly]. The manager calls me back and he says, “Sir, I looked into the matter and I do need to ask you one question. Are you certain that you gave us laundry?” And as soon as he said that, I was like, “I did not give you.”

[cheers and applause]

We have a great show tonight. The Chainsmokers are here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Octavia Spencer Monologue

Octavia Spencer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Octavia Spencer.

[Octavia Spencer walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Octavia Spencer: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’! It’s a dream come true to be here. No, really. I have spent the last four months of my life at award shows doing interviews and walking red carpets, so this is my first real night out of my spanx. Just kidding, I’m still wearing spanx. And by the way, did you all watch the Oscars? [cheers and applause] I mean, how insane was that? How crazy was it that I didn’t win? Oh, look, but I mean it when I say it, it truly is an honor to be nominated because — for a good part of my career, I pretty much just played nurses. I played a nurse 16 times. I did it so many times that when I played a maid, they gave me an Oscar. I guess I have what Hollywood calls ‘resting nurse face’. For example, I played nurse that had it. [Grounded for life] A nurse that had it up to here. [Red band society] And a nurse that had it so bad, this happened. [Halloween II] Yeah, she got stabbed bad. So, after all that, it was so wonderful to play a NASA mathematician like I do in ‘Hidden Figures’. People have been so kin to me about that movie. So many people have been coming up to me saying, “I love Hidden Fences.” And I say, “No, I was in Hidden Figures.” I mean, I get it, I get it. There were three black movies at the Oscars this year, and that’s a lot for America. If you were going to get confused anyway, I thought I might as well make some money off of it. That’s why, I produced ‘Hidden Fence Light.’ It’s the story of three black women who send an introspective gay boy to build a fence on the moon.

Oh, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Father John Misty is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.