Brendan Gleeson Monologue

Brendan Gleeson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Brendan Gleeson.

[Brendan Gleeson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Brendan Gleeson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I’m Brendan Gleeson. If you don’t recognize the accent, I’m Irish. And if you don’t recognize the face, I am that fellow that you’ve seen and that thing that you can’t remember but you think you kind of liked. Yeah, that was me. Let me see. You probably have seen me and Bravehearts. [cheers and applause] Possibly seen me in Harry Potter. [cheers and applause] You definitely haven’t seen me in Joel Cohen’s black and white Macbeth, but you should check it out. I think it’s great. I’ll tell you, I’m not really used to telling jokes, so I thought I play a tune for you instead. Can I get my mandolin please? [Brendan Gleeson gets his mandolin] [cheers and applause] This is that this is the first tune I ever learned. It was made famous by a man called Barney McKenna.

[playing mandolin]

Bernie was the banjo player with the Dubliners. They were traveling to a very hot country one time. And Barney was told it would be 40 degrees in the shade, 104 degrees in the shade. I’ll tell you one thing he said, “I’m not going anywhere near the shade.”

You know, my family had that varying degrees of musicality. My lovely Auntie Nell, for example, she was famous because of her high nose could shatter glass. Allthe kids are terrified she’d burst into song at any moment. Especially the kids with glasses.

The father didn’t have a note. Well, he did. He had one note. But he had his own way of going on. When he was staying in our house, my son Fergus asked him, “Granddad, why do you comb your hair before you get into bed?” And my dad said, “Because you never know who you might meet in your dreams.”

Weird and wonderful. You know who else is weird and wonderful? Colin Farrell. We work together on “In Bruges”. We just got back together for a new film “The Banshees of Inner Sharon”. And funny enough, it’s about two fellas who fall out because one of them’s a little too needy. I mean, I love Colin to bits but the story is not too far from the truth.

[Colin Farrell walks in. He’s wearing thick fake moustache] [cheers and applause]

is that you Colin?

Colin Farrell: Yeah. Hey. No, Brandon. I was just passing.

Brendan Gleeson: Yeah, way.

Colin Farrell: Yeah, I was on the way from moustache shop. [pulls out his fake moustache] What are you doing here Brendan?

Brendan Gleeson: I’m hosting Saturday Night Live Colin.

Colin Farrell: Oh, then I just wanted to ask you a question.

Brendan Gleeson: Is it going to be a needy question?

Colin Farrell: No, a normal.

Brendan Gleeson: Ask away. So?

Colin Farrell: Who’s your most favorite co star you’ve ever worked with?

Brendan Gleeson: Paddington Bear.

[cheers and applause]

Colin Farrell: Okay, but who’s your favorite human co star who’s Irish and he’s about 46 and his name begins with C?

Brendan Gleeson: Cillian Murphy.

Colin Farrell: Yeah, you’re right. He’s quite good, actually.

Brendan Gleeson: Yeah. It’s fantastic to see you Colin. Would you like to sing a song?

Colin Farrell: You too, Brandan, I’d love to.

[starts playing mandolin]

Both: Blow that trumpet, ring that bell
gonna have a blast hosting SNL

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you tonight. Willow is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Miles Teller Monologue

Miles Teller

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Miles Teller.

[Miles Teller walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Miles Teller: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so excited to be here hosting the season premiere of SNL. This is my first time hosting and I know they like when you do impressions and play different celebrities and I wanted to come prepared. So I asked my friends What celebrity do I look like? I was thinking a young De Niro, maybe a Paul Newman. And they were like “Nope, Rachel Maddow.” I didn’t see it personally. But then one of them sent me this this year. [A pictures of him and Rachel Maddow appear where they look similar]

I was in a movie called Top Gun Maverick. And one of the things that I loved about the movie is that it really seemed to bring people together. I mean, it’s not every day you get a movie that’s loved by both the military community and the gay community. That worked out. It was also amazing getting to work with Tom Cruise. I mean, that guy is legend. We both pushed ourselves to the absolute limit for this movie. I mean, he did his own stunts, and I grew my own moustache. In the movie, there’s a scene where my character rooster plays and sings Great Balls of Fire on the piano. And, you know, I played piano a bit growing up so I told him, “Look, I don’t need a double guy. So I will do this myself. I’ll do it live.” So I learned the song and I practiced it a bunch. I even took piano lessons. My instructor was JK Simmons. He was surprisingly nice. Thank you JK. And onset, I played the entire song beginning to end. And then when I saw the movie, this is what they ended up using.

[a funny clip from the movie plays]

I gotta say I am so honored to be here. Growing up, me and my family would watch SNL every week, and then my sisters and I would reenact some of the sketches. And my mom would videotape them. One of our favorites was the Spartan cheerleaders, you know with Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri. I of course played Cheri Oteri because I was eight and I had the frame for it. Now I thought that video was lost. But my mom found it. And she’s here tonight and she brought it. [an old video of him and his sister playing Spartan Cheerleaders is playing]

Sister in the video: Ready?

Miles Teller: That’s me in the tank top. My sister Erin is playing Will Ferrell. Oh yeah. And if you look in the background, that’s my other sister Dana. Pretty sure she’s playing Lorne Michaels. And then we finish our routine with the classic “Who’s that Spartan in my TP.”

Sister in the video: Ay, Who’s that Spartan in my TP?

Miles Teller in the video: It’s me! It’s me!

Sister in the video: Ay, Who’s that Spartan in my TP?

Miles Teller in the video: It’s me! It’s me!

Miles Teller: Nailed it. But seriously, how crazy is that? My parents used to watch me doing skits in my living room. And now they’re here watching me host Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] We got a great show for you tonight. Kendrick Lamar is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Natasha Lyonne Monologue

Natasha Lyonne

Maya Rudolph

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Natasha Lyonne.

[Natasha Lyonne walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Natasha Lyonne: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Natasha Leone. And I also wish I was Harry Styles. Gosh. Will you look at this? I’m hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live.

[cheers and applause]

For a real New Yorker like me, that’s big. I have a show called Russian Doll. [cheers and applause] Yes. The second season of Russian Doll just premiered on Netflix. And two things you definitely want to be associated with right now are Russia and Netflix. It’s my first time hosting and I’m genuinely humbled to be here. The truth is, I feel a cosmic connection to SNL. The people here are my real life chosen family. I’ve been coming here since I was a teenager. I co-created Russian doll with Amy Poehler and I have great friends.

[cheers and applause] [Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen walk in]

Fred Armisen: Hey, are you busy?

Natasha Lyonne: Right now? No, not at all.

Fred Armisen: Okay, good. I thought maybe we could try our Natasha Leone impressions for you.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, we do. really good impressions of you, just not when you’re around.

Fred Armisen: [impersonating Natasha Lyonne] [talking gibberish] Congratulations. If so facto.

Maya Rudolph: That’s good. [impersonating Natasha Lyonne] Yeah, how are you? Alright? It’s a dynamite sweater. Cockaroach.

Fred Armisen: Okay, bye.

Maya Rudolph: Bye.

Natasha Lyonne: Alright. Freddie and I, we dated for seven years. Yeah, we’re the only couple who have sex tape nobody wanted a buy. God, I love this place. You see, SNL combines everything I like. New York City, show business, people who have done the same thing since the 70s and different unions fighting. Yeah, I love it. I mean, I’m a New York City kid and a showbiz baby. Weird story, but while I have you, listen to this. I’m born in New York, doesn’t matter what year, early 80s probably. Everything is brown. Most automobiles are long and banana colored. My parents get this big idea that I have a future and show business. So I start auditioning. A lot of casting directors as it turns out, are looking for a little orphan Annie type who talks like Dee Dee Ramone. Here’s a clip of me from one of my earliest roles.

[cut to an old video clip. Natasha Lyonne is sill a child running around in a TV show.]

Kiwi: Hi, Elvis. Hi Cher.

Elvis and Cher: Hi Kiwi.

Cher: We’ve got a new member.

Elvis: Her name is Opa.

Kiwi: Hi.

Opa: Hi.

[cut back to Natasha Lyonne in SNL set]

Natasha Lyonne: Yeah. [cheers and applause] I gotta say, my best work till date. So anyway, I do some TV, my mom and I moved to the Upper East Side. Suddenly I’m in the movies. Oh, I was in all those 90s movies. American Pie, American Pie 2, American Pie in the multiverse of madness, etc. Oh, I ain’t called favorite but I’m a Cheerleader. Things are going great. And then, “Knock knock. Who’s there?” “Multiple arrests and drug addiction.” Oh, yeah, I went to hell and back. Life was rough. But just like when Fabio was on that roller coaster, and a bird flew in his face. Hey, do we have a photo of that? Yeah, just like when Fabio, when that happened? So I brushed myself off and I got back on the ride.

[cheers and applause]

And now I’m here.

All right, sure. I’m conflating events, glossing over entire decades but I’m here. And I’ll tell you what I found. There’s always hope and despair and there’s always a reason to get back in the ring and fight another day. We got a great show. Japanese Breakfast is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Selena Gomez Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Selena Gomez: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. Growing up, I used to watch SNL every Saturday with my mom. Hi mom. This is a big moment for me. I actually started acting when I was seven and I’ve been lucky enough to work with some Hollywood icons from Steve Martin, Martin Short and of course, Barney.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, that’s me. That was the first show I was on. And now I’m on a show called “Only Murders In The Building”. [cheers and applause] I was so honored to work with Steve Martin and Martin Short, especially after I googled them to find out who they were. I remember telling my friend, I was cast in a show called Only Murders and she was like, “Um, it sounds sexy. Any hot co stars?” And I was like… “Depends. Do you love the banjo?”

All right, it’s cool vaguer out to SNL legends. And when I found out I was hosting, I immediately asked for their advice. Steve said trust no one. And Marty said “I think Steve Martin has been using my credit card.” I also asked one of my oldest friends Miley Cyrus, and she said, “Just be yourself and have fun.” I was like, “Miley, is that just an excuse for me to do an impression of you on the show?” And she was like, “Hell yeah, I’m Miley Cyrus.”

But one reason I’m really excited to host SNL is because I’m single. And I’ve heard that SNL is a great place to find romance. Emma Stone met her husband here. Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost. And Pete and Machine Gun Kelly. And since I don’t really want to try the dating apps, I just want to put it out in the universe that I’m manifesting love. And I would like to say that I’m looking for my soulmate, but at this point, I won’t take anyone.

Kyle Mooney: I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: What?

Kyle Mooney: Be with you. Like you said, I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: Oh, no, no. No, no.

Kyle Mooney: But you just said you’d take anyone.

Selena Gomez: Yeah, but I was just sort of joking. I just don’t really think that’s gonna be our journey. I’m sorry. Aren’t you married?

Kyle Mooney: Oh, yeah, that’s right. Okay, well, I still believe that I could find love with the right person.

James Austin Johnson: I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: Oh, this is the new cast member Jeff.

James Austin Johnson: It’s James, but I’ll change it to Jeff if you want.

Selena Gomez: Well, aren’t you married also?

James Austin Johnson: Oh, right. Right, right.

Punkie Johnson: Excuse me. Come on, man, you gotta read the room. It’s a no, Jeff. Bye.

Selena Gomez: Thank you. Thank you.

Punkie Johnson: Of course baby. You know, I’m so sorry. These men out here harassing you, it’s just unacceptable, boo. You’re just out here doing your job, you know? Damn. But um, I’ll do it.

[cheers and applause]

Selena: Honestly, it’s kind of a vibe, but let’s see how the after party goes. Before we start the show, I just want to say how grateful I am to be here and I’ll admit I am a little nervous. But I just think back to those words of wisdom that one of my co stars would tell me before every show. I love you. You love me. We’re a happy family. You know it, with that great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won’t you say you love me too. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Post Malone is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Benedict Cumberbatch Monologue

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch.

[Benedict Cumberbatch walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Benedict Cumberbatch: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. I am thrilled to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. It’s been a really fun, great week. I’ve got to be honest, though, because most of the sketch writers this week, they pitch me sketches every day and most were about Dr. Strange. [cheers and applause] It’s great. I love the guy. I love playing the character. The film is doing really well. But I have been in other films and no one said to me, “Like what?” And I said well, the power of the dog for example. And he said, “Nobody saw it.” I said “Come on, man. I was nominated for an Oscar for that.” I mean, I didn’t win. I was beat by Will Smith. Not physically, not physically.

I’m really honestly very honored to be hosting the Mother’s Day SNL show. And of course, I want to wish a very special Happy Mother’s Day to my mum. She’s actually on holiday in Greece at the moment. And SNL offered to fly her here, first class, and she said “No, I’m on a beach in Greece. Are you insane?” I love you mom.

When I was younger we use these weird funny names that we used to call each other. I called her Pooky and she called me Benedict Cumberbatch. That later I went off to a boarding school outside of London, you might have heard of it called Hogwarts. When I was there, she’d write these amazing letters home to me, these fantastic missives, and they had beautiful, beautiful drawings and illustrations on an incredible thing. So I can’t do that for her here, obviously, but I thought I’d use a bit of this monologue to thank her for all that she’s done for me.

Hey, mom, it’s me, your son, little Benedict. Thank you for always being there for me. You know, growing up every time I had a problem, you had a solution. For instance, when I lost my two front teeth, I was worried about being teased. But you said “It’s okay, just try and smile without opening your mouth.” That’s great advice. But it also explains why to this day in every red carpet photograph, I’m smiling like this. [a funny picture of Benedict Cumberbatch smiling appears] Seriously, though, mom, thank you. You’ve shown me so much love and support every step of the way. I love you Pooky.

And speaking of mothers, my wife Sophie is in the audience tonight and I’d like to wish her a happy Mother’s Day too. Hi, Sophie. It’s me your husband, little Benedict. I’m seriously in constant, constant aww of you. I mean for a start, you gave birth to our three beautiful boys and that alone is a minor miracle as any woman will tell you. Meanwhile, according to you, I was off dressing up as a wizard. Technically, it’s a sorcerer. Wizards have robes. I have a clock. It’s a thing. Don’t worry. But seriously, Sophie, I really hope that when you think about it, you realize that it evens out because if you think being a mum is hard, try doing this. [does hand gestures of Dr. Strange]

Oh yeah, just open the portal. You’re welcome. But really seriously, happy, Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there, all the grandmothers, all the caregivers, for everybody who does such an extraordinary job doing that. Especially to the two mothers in my life, my mum, Wanda Bentham and my wife, Sophie Hunter. And seeing all that you two have done for me and for our children. It truly warms my heart and puts a smile on my face, a smile like this. [smiles funnily]

We got a great show for you tonight. Arcade Fire is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Jake Gyllenhaal Monologue

Jake Gyllenhaal

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jake Gyllenhaal.

[Jake Gyllenhaal walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jake Gyllenhaal: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so, so excited to be back at SNL. The last time I hosted was the year 2007. You know how long ago that was? That was like 400 Marvel movies ago. To give you an idea what it was like in 2007, in the show I hosted, there was a George W. Bush sketch. There were jokes about the first iPhone. And this is a photo from me from my monologue. [a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal’s previous monologue appears] There I am in full drag, singing a song from Dream Girls to promote a movie where I played a gay cowboy.

That was actually the least problematic thing in that episode. But looking back, I feel like I was a totally different person. It’s funny, I got this reputation for being a serious intense method actor. But honestly, I wasn’t even that good at method acting. I remember for this movie Nightcrawler I went to the director, and I was like, “Get ready for me to lose 48 pounds and win the Oscar.” And then a week later, I was like, “How would you like to see an actor lose 36 pounds and win the Golden Globe?” And then I showed up on set and I was like “You’re looking at a guy who gained 10 pounds and doesn’t care about awards.”

The truth is, I was only doing that method stuff because I thought that’s what you had to do to be a serious actor and I kind of forgot how to have fun. That’s when I realized something I should have realized a long time ago. Acting is a really stupid job. It’s pretend and it’s fun and it should be filled with joy. Well, I’m finally embracing that joy again, and that’s why I’m back standing on this stage. I never thought SNL would come calling again. [music playing] I mean it’s been 15 years and I wasn’t sure I’d remember how to host. But being here tonight, it feels like everything is suddenly coming back.

[singing] There were nights when the wind was so cold
that my body froze in bed 
if I just listen to it right outside the window
but when you see me like this
and I host you like that
I just have to admit that it’s all coming back to me

Chloe, Ego and Cecily: All coming back, it’s all coming back to you now
there were moments of gold and there were flashes of light

Jake Gyllenhaal: There were sketches I would never do again
but then they always seem right
there were nights of endless pleasure,
it was more than any shows alive
baby baby

All: If you want me like this,
and if you need me like that,
like back long ago but it’s all coming back to me
I can barely recall  but it’s all coming back to me now

Jake Gyllenhaal: We got a great show for you tonight. Camila Cabello is here. Stick around we will be right back.

Jerrod Carmichael Monologue

Jerrod Carmichael

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jerrod Carmichael.

[Jerrod Carmichael walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Jerrod Carmichael: Thank you Thank you very, very much. I’m not going to talk about it. I want to be clear. Up top. I talked about it enough. Kept talking about it. Kept thinking about it. I don’t want to talk about it. And you can’t make me talk about it. But I got a question. Do you want to talk about it? Like, aren’t you sick of talking about it? Isn’t that kind of crazy? It feels like we’ve been talking about it for so long. I have. This is going to really blow your minds. Can you believe it’s been six days? Six days. This happened a week ago. Then it feels like it happened years ago. Doesn’t it feel like it happened when we were all in high school? Like it feels like it happened somewhere between Jamiroquai and 9/11. Like somewhere a long, long time ago. Feels like we’ve been living in the wake of it our entire lives.

It happened on Sunday. On Sunday. It’s Saturday, bro. On Monday, it was exciting. I’m not gonna lie. Monday, if this were Monday, you wouldn’t be able to get me to shut up about it. I was talking about it all Monday. Tuesday, I’m still talking about it. A little less exciting, because it stopped being about it. By Tuesday, it started being about a lot of proxy arguments and hair and black men and white people on Twitter. It was just too much by Tuesday. By Wednesday, I wanted to kill myself. I don’t really remember Thursday, but by Friday, I made a vow to myself. I promised myself I would never ever talk about it again.

Then Lorne came into my dressing room. He was like, “I think you need to talk about it.” He said the nation needs to heal. Turn your back on me Lorne. Nation needs to heal. I said, “The nation needs to what? Do you want me to do that?” The nation don’t even know me. The nation has no clue who I am. I have to be the least famous host in SNL. Like, the least. I was excited to come here–

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. I appreciate that. Just know those claps did nothing for my self esteem. I don’t know what you thought you were doing. Was it making it better? Were you make it better? I was happy. I was actually really happy to come here and talk to you guys and introduce myself. I’m Jerrod Carmichael, by the way. Hi, everyone. Hello.

[cheers and applause]

I have a new special out on HBO. It’s called “By family”. I really hope that you watch. In this special I come out as gay. Which is nice but unexpected response in New York. It’s actually why I live here. If you say you’re gay in New York, you can ride the bus for free and people just give you pizza. Honestly, if you’re gay and you’re in New York, you get to host Saturday Night Live. This is the gayest thing you could possibly do. Like, I came out right onto the stage. I basically came out. We’re basically like, Andy Warhol fever dream right now. Heal the nation. I’ve been gay for like 48 hours, bro. Like, there’s so much gay stuff I got to do where I can heal the nation. I have so many homophobic cousins. I can’t even heal my family. I’m gonna heal the nation? I was excited. I was excited to be here. I had a lot of things planned. Stuff I want to talk about. Actually really, one– We got time. Really quick. I don’t know how often I’m ever going to be on live TV. And I know I’ll never get to talk to him. So I have to do this. Barack Obama, you want to meet me to camera two really fast. Hey B, what’s going on, man? You don’t know me, I’m Jerrod. Nice to meet you. So real quick, you just chillin right now? You’re just not working? You just writing books? Which is nice. I bought the last one but it’s like 900 pages. Anyway, you got us all hopped up on hope and change. And unfortunately, I have some news for you Barack. You’re not going to like this. We need you back because I think you’re gonna have to talk about it. The nation needs to heal. We have a great show tonight. You excited? Gunna is here. Stick around we’ll be right back.

Zoë Kravitz Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Zoë Kravitz.

[Zoë Kravitz walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Zoë Kravitz: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so fantastic to be here. I’m your host Zoë Kravitz. I currently have a new movie out called “The Batman”. In the movie I play Cat Woman. Sorry, The Cat Woman. To prepare for the role. I watched the movie Musical Cats every day for a year which I actually heard was the same way Joaquin Phoenix prepared to play the Joker.

[Kate McKinnon walks in wearing the old Cat Woman outfit.]

Kate: So, are you talking about cats?

Zoë Kravitz: I was. I was just doing my monologue. You’re also Catwoman?

Kate: Yes. I’m Cat Woman from the 90s. The one with the whip. You know, like cats have. So you’re part of a proud lineage of Cat Woman, each with their own origin story. Do you want to know mine?

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, yeah. What’s your’s?

Kate: Okay. I fell out of a window onto a pile of cats. They licked me back to life. And now I just like Sandy from a porno version of Greece. It’s still cold, Greece.

Zoë Kravitz: Cool. Well, thank you. It’s great to have some fellow Cat Woman support. I should probably get back to the–

Kate: No, hang on. We have to fire up the cat signal.

Zoë Kravitz: I’m sorry, cat signal.

Kate: Yeah. For anytime you need a Cat Woman. Behold.

[Kate turns on the cat signal like the bat signal of Batman up in the sky]

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, I love that it’s a noble cat ready to pounce off the ledge.

Kate: Or it’s doing its business in the litter box.

[Ego Nwodim walks in wearing another Cat Woman outfit]

Ego: Hello. I saw the signal. Is someone in danger?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, yeah. You’re Cat Woman too?

Ego: Intuitively, I was the first black Cat Woman.

Zoë Kravitz: Yeah, right? Yes. Eartha Kitt from the 1960s TV version.

Ego: Yet people called it can’t be turned out, it was just super gay.

Kate: And be glad your outfit isn’t latex because this is how I sneak up on bad guys. Ready?

[When Kate moves, her outfit makes squeaking sound.]

Zoë Kravitz: Wow. You know it actually does feel really nice having all this Cat Woman energy up here but I should really get back to the monologue. So can we turn this cat signal off before–

[Aidy Bryant walks in wearing casual outfit but with a cart full of cats]

Aidy: Before me? Hell no.

Zoë Kravitz: Another Cat woman.

Aidy: Yeah, more of a cat lady I guess. Yes, this is my husband. Sorry cat. And we’re here to meet Rosalia. Do you take me to her? How does that work?

Zoë Kravitz: I don’t think I can do that right now. I have to post the show.

Aidy: Oh yeah, sure I get it. You know, I’ve hosted the show dozens of times, in my mind where it’s called Saturday Night cats.

Zoë Kravitz: Not Caturday Night Live?

Aidy: Dang it. Okay, wow, I was really not expecting to meet so many cat people. And not that I don’t love it but maybe that’s enough.

Ego: Even if the next one is Doja Cat?

Zoë Kravitz: Oh my god, is she here?

Chris: No. But it’s me. It’s I, Katt Williams.

Zoë Kravitz: Oh, come on. You’re not even a woman.

Chris: I am a lover of women. Meow. And if I wanted to meet Rosalia, how would i–

Zoë Kravitz: Seriously, is there an off button somewhere?

Aidy: Oh, but the cat signal brought us all together.

Ego: And right now the world needs as many Cat Women…

Chris: and Williams’s.

Ego: …as it can get.

Kate: Now let’s go fight some crime.

Zoë Kravitz: Okay, it looks like that’s done. So I can finally say what I’ve been trying to say. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Rosalia is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Oscar Isaac Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar Isaac.

[Oscar Isaac walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Oscar Isaac: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. This is my first time hosting SNL. They actually asked me to host back in 2015. But I said “No, I’m not ready. I want to wait till after the pandemic.” And they were like, “What pandemic?”

My name is Oscar Isaac, but my full name is Óscar Isaac Hernández Estrada. I said to Hollywood, you can pick two of these names. Guess what they went with? The white ones. I’m half Guatemalan, half Cuban. Or casting directors call that ethnically ambiguous. According to them I can play anything from a Pharaoh to Timothée Chalamet’s daddy. You know that joke? A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. Yeah, I could play anyone in that joke.

But I am excited. I’m joining the Marvel Universe with Moon Knight. It’s kind of a full circle moment since the first movie I was ever in was called “The Avenger”. Not “The Avengers”, which was a massive blockbuster. No, no, this was “The Avenger” which is a movie that I wrote, directed and starred in when I was 10 years old. It was shot on location in my buddy Bruce Ferguson’s backyard in our hometown of Miami, Florida. I play a ninja assassin training to fight his nemesis and we actually have a clip. This is real. Check this out. [Cut to old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid doing kungfu stuff.] Okay, there’s the opening title. And there I am kind of losing my balance a little bit at perfect editing. And here comes my big stunt. A trained two months for this. [he breaks a stick] Ya!

[Cut back to Oscar Isaac]

I mean, arguably better than the real Avengers. And I made it for half the budget only $110 million. But I took it really seriously. Maybe a little too seriously, like in this scene. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] Okay, they’re enacting my heart out and there’s my friend’s dad cleaning the pool. [Cut back to Isaac Oscar] Shout out to Mr. Ferguson. Shout out to my buddy Bruce. He’s at home watching and he had no idea our old movie was gonna be on SNL. I actually had to sign a licensing agreement to show it. It’s true. NBC Universal now owns the Avenger. Coming this fall to Peacock.

I’ve got one more clip. This is a scene I did with myself where I play both parts. Okay, here we go. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] That’s that’s me on my own henchmen. Oh no, that’s what I do with a sword. Total commitment from the start. Now you might be asking, “Oscar, why did you use your monologue to show us these old home videos?” And the reason is, it’s important to encourage kids to be weirdos. Because every once in a while, one of those weirdos grows up to host SNL.

We got a great show for you tonight. Charli XCX is here. So stick around we’ll be right back.

John Mulaney StandUp Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is amazing to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fifth time. For many, many reasons I’m grateful to be here tonight after a very complicated year. It is wonderful to be in a place that’s always emphasized sobriety and mental health. Since I last hosted, different things have happened. In December of 2020, I went to dinner at a friend’s apartment, but it was not dinner. It was an intervention. For me. My least favorite kind of intervention. When I walked into my intervention, I knew right away that it was an intervention. Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have? If when you open a door and see people gathered, your first thought is, “This is probably an intervention about my drug problem. There’s no other reason people would be behind the door.” I walked in, there were six of my friends in New York in person, and six of my friends over Zoom from LA. And you may be thinking, hey, if that was me, I would have been like, if you’re so worried about me, how come you didn’t fly in? Don’t worry. I said that several times. I rang that bell as often as possible. I went away to a rehab, which was a very good experience. I’m very grateful that I went. I was there for two months from December till February 2021. I was there January 6, during the insurrection. Wouldn’t have happened on my watch. Because I would have seen to it. Was there ever an insurrection before I went to rehab? No. Has there been one since I got out? Absolutely not. They wouldn’t dare. They know baby J is back on the streets.

One thing I did in rehab one exercise is you sit down with a counselor and you delete and block all of your drug dealers phone numbers. In some cases, you reach out to a dealer to say, “Hey, never get in touch with me again. I’m sober now.” It’s called breaking up with your drug dealer. I did this one afternoon with a counselor. I sat down. I texted my main dealer Arvind first. And I shouldn’t have said his name. But that’s, that’s okay. You don’t know him. Anyway, I texted Arvind first and I said, “Hey, I’m deleting and blocking you. I’m sober now. I’m never gonna buy drugs again.” And then I’m really polite. So I didn’t know how to end the text. So I was like, “But thank you for all of the nights that became days and your inspired professionalism.” So I send the text before I can delete and block him. He texts me back. He goes, “Hey, I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy that you got sober. You know, I only bought drugs to sell to you. Because I was worried about you. And I didn’t want you to get worse stuff off the street.” I know. And I’m breaking up with this guy? So I can’t block him. Now I text him back, you know? I go, “Hey, oh my god, you sweet man.” I said, “You only bought drugs to sell to me?” He says , “Yeah.” I said, “Did you sell drugs to other people?” He said, “No.” I said, “This is a weird time to ask. But are you a drug dealer?” He said, “No. I’m a painter. We talked about this.” Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea how I know this person. So I texted him. I go, “How did it come to be that you sell me drugs?” And he wrote back, “I don’t know. You just kept asking.” I like that story. Because there are many tales of drug dealers who have turned innocent people into drug addicts. I might be the first drug addict to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer and that is the promise of their.

Life is a lot better and happier now. I have a 12 week old son. I’m very excited. Yes. He is a pretty cool guy for someone who can’t vote. His legs are like little calzones and I want to eat him. His name is Malcolm. And let me tell you the moment when I first bonded the hardest with Malcolm. We were in the delivery room, my girlfriend had just given birth to him, and he’s crying a little. So, they bring them over to this warmer on the other side of the delivery room, and they put them on the warmer under this big bright light. And light is just shining in his eyes. It’s really bright. And he’s not crying or anything. He just looks up at the light and this is what he does. He goes he was annoyed. But he didn’t say anything. And I was like, “That’s my son. A polite man in an uncomfortable situation, but he’s not going to make a fuss.” And this was a really bright light. I thought it was bright and I’d seen lights. He’d never seen a light before in his life. To see on a baby’s face the expression, Jesus with the light, is very interesting. He’s a very good boy. His favorite pacifier just got recalled though. It’s such a bummer. He loved it. So we had like a dozen of them. We still have them in a basket on our counter. And I see this look in his eyes all the time of like, “Oh, I want to use those but I can’t because they could kill me.” Welcome to my world homie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. LCD Soundsystemis here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.