Tag: Monologue

Steve Martin and Martin Short Monologue

Steve Martin

Martin Short

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin and Martin Short.

[Steve Martin and Martin Short walk in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Martin Short: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good evening, everyone. I’m—

Steve Martin: And I’m Steve Martin.

Martin Short: And we’re so excited—

Steve Martin: And what a thrill it is for us to be hosting Saturday Night Live.

Martin Short: Steve, how many times have you hosted?

Steve Martin: Oh gosh, I haven’t really thought about it. Hit it.

[A counting video of Steve Martin plays which counts him hosting for 16 times]

[cheers and applause]

Martin Short: Wow.

Steve Martin: And how many times have you hosted Marty?

Martin Short: Hit it.

[Similar counting video plays, but it only counts to three]

Steve Martin: I’m kind of in a nostalgia mode. I want to show you one of my favorite photos from my early hosting years. [Cut to a black and white photo] That is me with John Belushi, Dan Ackroyd and Mick Jagger. And right after this photo was taken, we tested positive for everything.

Martin Short: You know, Steve, we are like Harry and Megan. No one’s rooting for us, but you’ll tune in to watch anyway. And what’s been so fabulous this week is getting to know the new cast. And Steve, honestly, I tell you, they love you.

Steve Martin: Really?

Martin Short: Behind your back, the new cast referred to you as ‘a whole entertainer’.

Steve Martin: Oh, that’s sweet.

Martin Short: Well, I added the word ‘entertainer’.

Steve Martin: And I have to say that for me, working with Marty Short is like World Cup soccer. Somehow I just can’t get into it.

Martin Short: We are currently working on the third season of our Hulu series, ‘Only Murders In The Building’. Our show is like Steve at the urinal, it streams for 3Martin Short minutes.

Steve Martin: I know, this is kind of interesting. Every night before the show, Marty and I have a ritual we do to prepare for the evening’s performance. And we were doing it backstage. And I noticed that one of the backstage crew was videotaping us. And I thought, “You know what, that would be interesting to show the audience.” So here is Marty and I are getting ready for tonight’s show.

[Cut to a video of one guy kicking on another guy’s testicles as a martial art]

Martin Short: And can I say, Steve—

Steve Martin: Let them laugh.

Martin Short: Can I say truthfully that I adore working with you. And I just, I hope we can do this forever.

Steve Martin: Well, of course, I thought about that. But I realized you’re not going to live forever. And that is sad because you won’t be able to hear the wonderful things I’m going to say at your memorial. So I thought why wait? So what I did was I wrote up your eulogy, so you can hear it now.

Martin Short: Wow. That is such a coincidence because you know what? I did the same thing. I wrote your eulogy.

Steve Martin: Really?

Martin Short: Yes.

Steve Martin: Well, let’s read them together, shall we?

Martin Short: Why not?

Steve Martin: Could we have some— This is a sad moment. So could you play something sad for us please?

[sad music playing]

Martin Short: No, no, no. Not sad enough. Anything sadder?

[sad music playing]

Steve Martin: No, no no. Do you have something really, really sad?

[music playing and an innocent puppy’s picture appears on the screen]

So Marty, I dedicate this eulogy to you. Wow, not much of a turnout. Marty did not want to be cremated. Too late. But I’ll always be haunted by Marty’s last words, “Tesla Autopilot engage.”

Martin Short: There’s so many great things that I could say about Steve Martin. But this hardly seems the time nor the place. Oh, Steve, you blend overrated white haired son of a bitch. Where’d you go? I know Steve is looking down on us right now because he always looked down on everybody. And yes, I learned so much from Steve. For example, he taught me that you don’t need to restrict a urinal to just number one.

Steve Martin: Even at the end, Marty had a wonderful girlfriend. Smart, beautiful and so realistic. But Marty was always sexually active as long as there were batteries in the house. But Marty was taken away from us too soon, but sadly, not before he played Jack Frost in Santa Claus three.

Martin Short: Oh, Steve. Oh Steve, it’s so hard to look at you in that open casket. Motionless, colorless, stiff, so lifelike. And yet seeing you in your casket reminds me of that classic SNL sketch – ‘Dick in a box’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. The good news is with Steve gone, download should be so much faster on PornHub. People always ask me what Steve was really like, and I’d say, “I don’t know, you’re his wife.” And he was such a great dad. And you could tell that from his children, they’re so polite. You go to his house and they’d say “Would you like anything Mr. Short? Could I get you would drink Mr. Short? Can you give this note to the police Mr. Short?”

Steve Martin: Now that Marty is gone, who will I ever work with?

[Selena Gomez walks in]

Selena Gomez: What about me?

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you tonight. Brandi Carlisle is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Keke Palmer Monologue

Keke Palmer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Keke Palmer.

[Keke Palmer walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Keke Palmer: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here in New York. It’s Christmas time. The tree is lit. And most importantly, it’s Sagittarius season. And that’s lit for me because I’m a Sagittarius moon, honey. Yes, I’m very into astrology. And I know a lot of bros out there are gonna say astrology is not real. And to that, I say how’s that crypto going?

Honestly, guys, this has been an awesome year for me. I was in Jordan Peele Nope. And I was nominated for an Academy Award. It’s not true, but it’s not lying if I’m manifesting.

That’s one of those things you just learn to do in this business. Manifest, honey. I’ve been acting since I was nine years old. My first big role was in a movie I did called ‘Akeelah and the Bee’. It was such a great experience. I had so much fun, except for when I got yelled at by Laurence Fishburne. No, for real, for real. We’re doing a dramatic scene. And I just started laughing at his ass. But God, I had a good reason. Just imagine. I’m a little kid watching the 40 year old man cry to me about winning a National Spelling Bee. It was hysterical. But when I started laughing, he read me for field. It was like “No, you can’t do this. This is not what will actors do.” And my mama she went off on him. Y’all go she is so Chicago. She started screaming, “I don’t care if you was in the Matrix.”

It was good times. And I honestly do appreciate that he did that. I mean, even though it was intense. I mean, he taught me how to be a professional in real time. And I’m taking lessons from everyone I’ve worked with. Aziz Ansari recently gave me some good advice on being SNL. He was like “Keke, just get up on stage. You’re funny. You’re funnier than me. And I’m Aziz.” He didn’t exactly say that, but that’s what I heard. Delusional queen.

I’m especially glad to be here though, because there’s some rumor going around. People have been in my comments saying “Keke’s having a baby. Keke’s pregnant.” And I want to set the record straight. [She opens her coat’s button. She has a pregnant belly.] I am.

[cheers and applause]

I gotta say though, it is bad when people on it it spread rumors about y’all. But it’s even worse when they’re correct. I mean, I was trying so hard to keep it on a down low because I got a lot of stuff going on. People come up to me, “Congratulations.” I’m like, “Shh, can you all stop? I got a liquor sponsorship on the line.” Let the check clear, then we can get to the damn baby shower.

But honestly, this has been the biggest blessing. And I’m so excited guys. I’m going to be a mom. Even though some people feel a little weird about me having a baby because I was a child actor. I just want to say, look, I’m 29, I’m grown. Okay? I have sex. I own a home. I stormed the Capitol on January 6. You know, things that dogs do. I’m kidding.

Y’all know I’m the same person I always been. And I’m proud of it. Matter of fact, when I first got into comedy, and I dreamed to standing on this stage, I asked myself, “Keke, who you be? Will you be like a Maya Rudolph, Eddie Murphy, Kristen Wiig type?” And now that I’m here, I can tell you exactly who I am. Baby, I’m Keke Palmer.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. SZA is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you very much for being here. Before I start tonight, I just wanted to read a brief statement that I prepared. I denounce anti semitism in all its forms and I stand with my friends and the Jewish community. And that, Kanye, is how you buy yourself some time.

I gotta tell you guys, I’ve probably been doing this 35 years now. And early in my career, I learned that there are two words in the English language that you should never say together in sequence. And those words are the and Jews. I never heard someone do good after they say that.

Kanye’s got into some scrapes before. Normally when he was in trouble, I pull up immediately. This time, I was like, “You know what? Let me see what’s gonna happen first.” I can’t remember how it started. Vaguely, I remember it started with a tweet. Strange tweet. It was like, “I’m feeling a little sleepy. I’ma get me some rest. But when I wake up, I’m gonna go DEF CON 3 on the Jews.” And then he just went to bed. I was up all night worried, “What is he gonna do to the Jew?”

I grew up around Jewish people. I have a lot of Jewish friends. So I’m not freaked out by your culture. I know a little bit about it just from hanging around. “Yo, let’s go out at school tomorrow.” They were like, “We can’t go out, it’s Sha Na Na tomorrow.” I’m like, “What? What is Sha Na Na?” I had so many questions. “Why do some of you people dress like Run DMC?”

Kanye woke up from that night and went right to work. A year ago I’d seen him on a podcast called Drink Champs. Great show. And it was amazing appearance. Noriega and them were there, rappers that I loved, and they all had their gold chains and stuff on. And Kanye said, “Only millionaires were chains.” They said, “What?” He said, “I’m a billionaire. Billionaires don’t wear their money on their body.” I took my chain and I said, “Oh snap.”

It was a good appearance. It was fun and funny.

When he woke up, he went on drink champs again. This time, he was on one. He was mad about something. He said, “I can say anti semitic things and Adidas can’t drop me. Now what?” Adidas dropped him immediately. Ironically, Adidas was founded by Nazis, and they were offended against the students past the teacher. It’s a big deal. He broke show business rules. Because there’s a rule. You know, the rules of perception. If they’re black, then it’s a gang. If they’re Italian, it’s a mob. But if they’re Jewish, it’s a coincidence and you should never speak about it.

Kanye got in so much trouble, Kyrie got in trouble. Kyrie Irving posted a link to a movie that he had seen on Amazon. No caption on the posts and nothing like that. But apparently this movie had some, I don’t know, anti semitic tropes or something. It was some weird title like “From Hebrew to Negro,” or something. And the NBA told him he should apologize. And he was slow to apologize. And then the list of demands to get back in their good graces got longer and longer and this is where you know, I draw the line. I know the Jewish people have been through terrible things all over the world, but you can’t blame that on black Americans. You just can’t. You know what I mean? Thanks the one person that said, “Who?” A fair punishment would be you just post a link to Schindler’s List and y’all read your own captions. Kyrie Irving’s black ass was nowhere near the Holocaust. In fact, he’s not even certain it exists.

I saw one news spun and screaming about Kanye, she said “Mental health is no excuse for that type of language.” Yes it is bitch. You’d kill somebody if you’re mentally ill. Listen, okay, I don’t think Kanye is crazy at all. I think he’s possibly not well. I’ve been to Hollywood. I don’t want y’all to get mad at me, I’m just telling you. I’ve been to Hollywood. This is just what I saw. It’s a lot of juice. Like, a lot. But that don’t mean anything. You know what I mean? There’s a lot of black people in Ferguson, Missouri. Doesn’t mean we run the place.

I can see if you had some kind of issue, you know what I mean,? You might go up to Hollywood and you might start connecting some kind of lines and you could maybe adopt the delusion that the Jews run show business. Not a crazy thing to think. But it’s a crazy thing to say out loud in a time like this.

Man, midterms over and it’s crazy climate. And I gotta tell you, I feel like this midterm, like all of humanity depends on it. And it’s an ominous sign. The most ominous sign of the midterms I believe would be Herschel Walker who I don’t want to speak badly because he’s black. But I have to admit, he’s observably stupid. Even when he’s not talking, his mouth be open a little bit like… He’s the kind of guy that looks like he thinks before he makes a move on tic tac toe. And I’m watching the news now, they’re declaring the end of the Trump era. Now, okay, I can see how in New York, you might believe this is the end of his era. I’m just being honest with you. I live in Ohio amongst the poor whites. A lot of you don’t understand why Trump was so popular, but I get it because I hear it every day. He’s very loved. The reason he’s lived is because people in Ohio have never seen somebody like him. He’s what I call an honest liar. I’m not joking right now. He’s an honest liar. That first debate. That first debate, I’d never seen anything like it. I’ve never seen a white male billionaire screaming at the top of his lungs, “This whole system is rigged,” he said. And across the stage was white woman, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama sitting away looking at him like, “No, it’s not.” I said, “Now, wait a minute, bro. It’s what he said.” And the moderator said well, Mr. Trump, if in fact the system is rigged as you suggest, what would be your evidence? Remember what he said bro? He said, “I know the system is rigged because I use it.” I said, “God damn!” And then he pulled out Illuminati membership card and chopped a line of cocaine and did it right at the podium. No one had ever heard someone say something that true.

And then Hillary Clinton had to punch him in the tax. She said this man doesn’t pay his taxes. He shot right back, “That makes me smart.” And they said, “If you want me to pay my taxes, then change the tax code. But I know you won’t. Because your friends and your donors enjoy the same tax breaks that I do.” And with that, my friends, a star was born. No one had ever seen anything like that. No one had ever seen somebody come from inside of that house outside and tell all the commoners, “We are doing everything that you think we are doing inside of that house. Then he went right back in the house and started playing the game again.

Democrats are sore losers. I’m a Democrat. I’m telling you, as soon as he won, they started saying all that he’s colluding with Russia, he’s colluding with Russia. It was very embarrassing as a Democrat. But as time went on, we all came to learn he was probably colluding with Russia. I even look at his wife different now. His wife is beautiful, no question about it, but she looks like the kind of chick the James Bond would smash but not trust.

Why he got all them documents in his house? What is this? This guy that’s famous for not reading his press briefings, now suddenly he got 10,000 documents in his house, gonna catch up on his reading list.

I’ve been fired from jobs many times in my life. And I will be very honest with you, sometimes I was fired I stole things from the office. Staplers, computer mouses, all kinds of stuff. Do you know what I never stole from work? Work.

The war in Ukraine brought it all in focus. And lucky for everybody in the western world, the Ukrainians are way better fighters than we thought they’d be. They killed 10,000 Russians the first week of the war. Even the Vietnamese were like, “God damn! Those are some good numbers.” This  is before they had weapons. Before we started sending them weapons, they were killing Reginald with things you can find around the house. That whole country Ukraine is littered with traps like Home Alone. They were stepping on rakes and touching hot doorknobs. Ah! How is Russia losing to the Ukraine? That would be like America losing a war to Colorado.

Now the midterms are over and everybody’s awake, these new white are like, they’re like newborn babies. Just woke up. Everything white people are mad about, we’ve been on that. “Man, I can’t feed my family.” Black people like, “We’ve been on that.” “Man we can trust the government.” “We’ve been on that.” “Man we should dismantle the FBI.” “Word to Martin Luther King bro, we been on that.”

Nobody listens to me. When I tell these jokes, you ignore me. My first Netflix special, what did I say? I said, “I don’t want to sneakers deal because the minute I say something that makes those people mad, they’re gonna take my sneakers away.” And the whole crowds like, “Ha-ha-ha.” But now you see Kanye walking around LA barefoot with his chain out. This guy lost a billion and a half dollars in a day. A billion and a half dollars a day. I saw that, I said, “Put your chain on, nigga, welcome back.”

It shouldn’t be too scary to talk about anything. It’s make my job incredibly difficult. To be honest with you, I’m getting sick talking to crowd like this. I love you to death. Thank you for the support. And I hope they don’t take anything away from me. Whoever they are.

We got a great show tonight. Brooklyn’s finest Black Star is in the building.

Amy Schumer Stand-Up Monologue

Amy Schumer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Schumer.

[Amy Schumer walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Schumer: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s so great to be back. You’re hosting Saturday Night Live. I’ve been so busy. You may have seen my Hulu show “Life and Beth”. And “Inside Amy Schumer” is back on Paramount plus. And I can’t believe I have the honor of being the final host before the midterm abortions. Elections. What did I say? Sorry, I was thinking about what’s at stake if we don’t vote.

People love giving pregnant women advice, don’t they? Like the whole time I was pregnant, I had this one friend. She kept telling me “You got to do prenatal yoga.”It really helps with the birth.” So I immediately signed up for a C section. But no I did. I had a C. It came out the sunroof. And no matter how you give birth, the doctors will tell you. It could be vaginal, C section, they almost never come out of your butthole, but they tell you no matter what, as soon as you get birth the doctors are very serious. They say you cannot have sex for six weeks. You got it? Six weeks, not sex. I was like, “Okay. I remember when you just Wolverine my FUPA open? Remember that? How about six years? That’s what I think I’ll be ready. Okay? Remember? His foot got caught in my intestines? When can I get raw dog from behind, please?

But my husband and I, we do have a good sex life. We do. Married people, have you found this? We have found that the best week day to have sex is always tomorrow. Yeah, we’re like, “We ate today. Maybe we won’t eat tomorrow. That’ll be a good day for us.” My husband’s the best. He always before we have sex, he puts the lights on. You know? And I shut them off. And he puts them on. And he’s like, “Amy, why are you so shy? You have a beautiful body.” And I was like, “Oh my God, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me? So sweet.” Right?

But I’ll be honest, it’s awkward. Having sex with your spouse. It is. Because like, that’s your family. I have Thanksgiving with you. I lay out your sweaters. I can’t go down on you. You’re my emergency contact for Christ’s sake. It’s sick. We can’t talk dirty to each other anymore. We know each other too. Well, I’m always like, “I’m gonna—” He’s like, “No, you’re not.” We do a lot of roleplay. But I always pick the same role. I’m always like, “Okay, I am in a coma. Go.”

My husband is diagnosed. He’s on the autism spectrum. He has autism spectrum disorder. It used to be called the Aspergers. But then they found out this is true that Dr. Asperger had like Nazi ties, Kanye. It’s weird. Yes, like crazy. But no, it’s been really positive for our family to have him diagnosed. We understand so much more about his behavior. And it’s given him so many tools. Like, now, if somebody is in the middle of a long, boring story, he will straight up just walk away. Wnd when people find out that he has autism, like they don’t know much about it. They’re like, “Oh, does he love to count? Should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor? He can gather them and count them.” I’m like, “Yeah, that sounds pretty fun. I’d like to do that.” He never really lands a compliment with me. He tells me I look comfortable a lot. Different love languages. L like, a couple of weeks ago, we’re sitting outside and it was a nice night. It looked like it was gonna rain. And I was feeling kind of sentimental. And I was like—

Even though these past couple years with the pandemic and everything, it’s been so stressful. I said, “Still, this time being with you, being with our son, they’ve been the best years of my life. And he just looked at me and he said, “I’m gonna go put the windows up in the car.” Yeah, he’s my guy. It’s one of the times we play the game “Autism or just a man?” Yeah. I don’t know. And I’ll leave you with what he said to me right before I came on stage tonight. I said, “Babe, is this okay?” He said, “Well, it’s too late.”

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Steve Lacey is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Jack Harlow Monologue

Jack Harlow

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Harlow.

[Jack Harlow walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jack Harlow: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This is incredible. My name is Jack Harlow and it’s been a big year for me. I put out my second album. I went on a world tour. I just shot my first movie White Men Can’t Jump. And a lot of people have been saying I’m the GOAT. They don’t mean greatest of all time, they mean that one from Narnia.

Yeah, I don’t know what it is about me but people on the internet, they liked the roast me. I don’t mind I think it’s funny. One guy said I don’t know why y’all think Jack Harlow is so special, you can find somebody who looks like him at any local gas station. I’ve heard them say I look like if you tried to draw Justin Timberlake from memory. I think my favorite one might be Jack Harlow looks like the guy who rips the tickets in half the movie theaters. Do y’all agree?

There’s also a strange amount of rumors about me. Some people think I’m only 5’10’, stop it. Other people think I was created by the CIA? No telling. Some people have even gone as far as to accuse me of being white.

I seen a lot of kids running around dressed as me for Halloween too. And I just want to say like cut it out because my culture is not a costume. I’ve also heard people try to romantically link me and little NAS X’s item. But I’m going to tell you right now. No, everything that happened between us was casual and consensual, and one of the best nights of my entire life. Working with him. Working with him.

You know? What’s really crazy though, is that this show is live. Like, really live. It’s one of the last real live shows. Basically, it’s just this in the office. So… I can really do anything right now. Like technically, no one can stop me. I don’t even have to stay on the stage. In fact, I think I’d like to leave this stage.

[gets a mic from someone]

Thank you.

[walks to the audience]

What’s your name?

Mikayla: Mikayla.

Jack Harlow: Everybody, give it up for Mikayla please.

[cheers and applause]

Is there anything, with the world watching, you’d like to say?

Mikayla: Huge Jack Harlow fan.

Jack Harlow: Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Thank you so much. Everyone says to give it up for Mikayla. Wow.

[walks back to the stage]

That’s beautiful. I just want to give a shout out to my family. My mom and dad are here tonight. My grandparents are here tonight. I’m so grateful for you. Y’all are the reason I get to stand on this stage and say- We have a great show for you tonight. I’m here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Megan Thee Stallion Monologue

Megan Thee Stallion

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Megan Thee Stallion.

[Megan Thee Stallion walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Megan Thee Stallion: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I can’t tell you how excited I am to be here. Most of y’all know me as Megan Thee Stallion. But if you know me, then you know I go by more than one name. Let’s see, we got Tina Snow, the Hot Girl Coach, the Ace Town Hottie, and if you are one of my many, many haters, I’m probably “That bitch”. But that’s okay because even my haters aren’t entirely wrong because I am simply that bitch. So I know everyone is used to seeing me twerk, the rest of my hood rap friends, and flat out being one of the Hottest MCs in the Game right now, period. But that’s much more to me that meets the eye. For example, I’m a really good actress. I don’t want to blow my own horn or nothing, but I think I do a pretty good British accent. Alright, check this out. Put me in Britain, bitch. Thank you.

I also got my college degree last year from Texas Southern University. [cheers and applause] Finishing college while pursuing a rap career is not easy. And I did that while putting out song after song and going on the world tour. So now, I can go by another name, making the bitch that need some sleep. I got my degree in Health Administration because I have always wanted to help the people in my community. I believe that it’s important to have a sharp mind and a sharp body-yadi-yadi-yadi. That’s why I launched my website that provides access to resources for those who are struggling with a mental health, badbitcheshavebaddaystoo.com. That’s a real website. I can’t believe the domain wasn’t already taken. It’s supposed to be called hot girl bummer, but somebody stole it. You know who you are. But look, before the show starts. It’s something I’ve really been wanting to say. I’ve had some wins and I’ve had some losses. And I always get more wins. But I do pride myself on being an open book. So with that being said, I would like to address a certain incident that I’m sure it’s on everybody’s mind. No, I don’t know why Popeyes took the hottie sauce off the menu. And if you want the sauce back, you’re gonna take that on with the Popeyes lady, not me, okay? But seriously, I really do want to thank my fans, aka, the hotties. Y’all mean the world to me. Without y’all there’d be no hot girl sauce. We have a great show here for you tonight. I’m here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Brendan Gleeson Monologue

Brendan Gleeson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Brendan Gleeson.

[Brendan Gleeson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Brendan Gleeson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I’m Brendan Gleeson. If you don’t recognize the accent, I’m Irish. And if you don’t recognize the face, I am that fellow that you’ve seen and that thing that you can’t remember but you think you kind of liked. Yeah, that was me. Let me see. You probably have seen me and Bravehearts. [cheers and applause] Possibly seen me in Harry Potter. [cheers and applause] You definitely haven’t seen me in Joel Cohen’s black and white Macbeth, but you should check it out. I think it’s great. I’ll tell you, I’m not really used to telling jokes, so I thought I play a tune for you instead. Can I get my mandolin please? [Brendan Gleeson gets his mandolin] [cheers and applause] This is that this is the first tune I ever learned. It was made famous by a man called Barney McKenna.

[playing mandolin]

Bernie was the banjo player with the Dubliners. They were traveling to a very hot country one time. And Barney was told it would be 40 degrees in the shade, 104 degrees in the shade. I’ll tell you one thing he said, “I’m not going anywhere near the shade.”

You know, my family had that varying degrees of musicality. My lovely Auntie Nell, for example, she was famous because of her high nose could shatter glass. Allthe kids are terrified she’d burst into song at any moment. Especially the kids with glasses.

The father didn’t have a note. Well, he did. He had one note. But he had his own way of going on. When he was staying in our house, my son Fergus asked him, “Granddad, why do you comb your hair before you get into bed?” And my dad said, “Because you never know who you might meet in your dreams.”

Weird and wonderful. You know who else is weird and wonderful? Colin Farrell. We work together on “In Bruges”. We just got back together for a new film “The Banshees of Inner Sharon”. And funny enough, it’s about two fellas who fall out because one of them’s a little too needy. I mean, I love Colin to bits but the story is not too far from the truth.

[Colin Farrell walks in. He’s wearing thick fake moustache]

[cheers and applause]

is that you Colin?

Colin Farrell: Yeah. Hey. No, Brandon. I was just passing.

Brendan Gleeson: Yeah, way.

Colin Farrell: Yeah, I was on the way from moustache shop. [pulls out his fake moustache] What are you doing here Brendan?

Brendan Gleeson: I’m hosting Saturday Night Live Colin.

Colin Farrell: Oh, then I just wanted to ask you a question.

Brendan Gleeson: Is it going to be a needy question?

Colin Farrell: No, a normal.

Brendan Gleeson: Ask away. So?

Colin Farrell: Who’s your most favorite co star you’ve ever worked with?

Brendan Gleeson: Paddington Bear.

[cheers and applause]

Colin Farrell: Okay, but who’s your favorite human co star who’s Irish and he’s about 46 and his name begins with C?

Brendan Gleeson: Cillian Murphy.

Colin Farrell: Yeah, you’re right. He’s quite good, actually.

Brendan Gleeson: Yeah. It’s fantastic to see you Colin. Would you like to sing a song?

Colin Farrell: You too, Brandan, I’d love to.

[starts playing mandolin]

Both: Blow that trumpet, ring that bell
gonna have a blast hosting SNL

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you tonight. Willow is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Miles Teller Monologue

Miles Teller

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Miles Teller.

[Miles Teller walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Miles Teller: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so excited to be here hosting the season premiere of SNL. This is my first time hosting and I know they like when you do impressions and play different celebrities and I wanted to come prepared. So I asked my friends What celebrity do I look like? I was thinking a young De Niro, maybe a Paul Newman. And they were like “Nope, Rachel Maddow.” I didn’t see it personally. But then one of them sent me this this year. [A pictures of him and Rachel Maddow appear where they look similar]

I was in a movie called Top Gun Maverick. And one of the things that I loved about the movie is that it really seemed to bring people together. I mean, it’s not every day you get a movie that’s loved by both the military community and the gay community. That worked out. It was also amazing getting to work with Tom Cruise. I mean, that guy is legend. We both pushed ourselves to the absolute limit for this movie. I mean, he did his own stunts, and I grew my own moustache. In the movie, there’s a scene where my character rooster plays and sings Great Balls of Fire on the piano. And, you know, I played piano a bit growing up so I told him, “Look, I don’t need a double guy. So I will do this myself. I’ll do it live.” So I learned the song and I practiced it a bunch. I even took piano lessons. My instructor was JK Simmons. He was surprisingly nice. Thank you JK. And onset, I played the entire song beginning to end. And then when I saw the movie, this is what they ended up using.

[a funny clip from the movie plays]

I gotta say I am so honored to be here. Growing up, me and my family would watch SNL every week, and then my sisters and I would reenact some of the sketches. And my mom would videotape them. One of our favorites was the Spartan cheerleaders, you know with Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri. I of course played Cheri Oteri because I was eight and I had the frame for it. Now I thought that video was lost. But my mom found it. And she’s here tonight and she brought it. [an old video of him and his sister playing Spartan Cheerleaders is playing]

Sister in the video: Ready?

Miles Teller: That’s me in the tank top. My sister Erin is playing Will Ferrell. Oh yeah. And if you look in the background, that’s my other sister Dana. Pretty sure she’s playing Lorne Michaels. And then we finish our routine with the classic “Who’s that Spartan in my TP.”

Sister in the video: Ay, Who’s that Spartan in my TP?

Miles Teller in the video: It’s me! It’s me!

Sister in the video: Ay, Who’s that Spartan in my TP?

Miles Teller in the video: It’s me! It’s me!

Miles Teller: Nailed it. But seriously, how crazy is that? My parents used to watch me doing skits in my living room. And now they’re here watching me host Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] We got a great show for you tonight. Kendrick Lamar is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Natasha Lyonne Monologue

Natasha Lyonne

Maya Rudolph

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Natasha Lyonne.

[Natasha Lyonne walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Natasha Lyonne: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Natasha Leone. And I also wish I was Harry Styles. Gosh. Will you look at this? I’m hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live.

[cheers and applause]

For a real New Yorker like me, that’s big. I have a show called Russian Doll. [cheers and applause] Yes. The second season of Russian Doll just premiered on Netflix. And two things you definitely want to be associated with right now are Russia and Netflix. It’s my first time hosting and I’m genuinely humbled to be here. The truth is, I feel a cosmic connection to SNL. The people here are my real life chosen family. I’ve been coming here since I was a teenager. I co-created Russian doll with Amy Poehler and I have great friends.

[cheers and applause]

[Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen walk in]

Fred Armisen: Hey, are you busy?

Natasha Lyonne: Right now? No, not at all.

Fred Armisen: Okay, good. I thought maybe we could try our Natasha Leone impressions for you.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, we do. really good impressions of you, just not when you’re around.

Fred Armisen: [impersonating Natasha Lyonne] [talking gibberish] Congratulations. If so facto.

Maya Rudolph: That’s good. [impersonating Natasha Lyonne] Yeah, how are you? Alright? It’s a dynamite sweater. Cockaroach.

Fred Armisen: Okay, bye.

Maya Rudolph: Bye.

Natasha Lyonne: Alright. Freddie and I, we dated for seven years. Yeah, we’re the only couple who have sex tape nobody wanted a buy. God, I love this place. You see, SNL combines everything I like. New York City, show business, people who have done the same thing since the 70s and different unions fighting. Yeah, I love it. I mean, I’m a New York City kid and a showbiz baby. Weird story, but while I have you, listen to this. I’m born in New York, doesn’t matter what year, early 80s probably. Everything is brown. Most automobiles are long and banana colored. My parents get this big idea that I have a future and show business. So I start auditioning. A lot of casting directors as it turns out, are looking for a little orphan Annie type who talks like Dee Dee Ramone. Here’s a clip of me from one of my earliest roles.

[cut to an old video clip. Natasha Lyonne is sill a child running around in a TV show.]

Kiwi: Hi, Elvis. Hi Cher.

Elvis and Cher: Hi Kiwi.

Cher: We’ve got a new member.

Elvis: Her name is Opa.

Kiwi: Hi.

Opa: Hi.

[cut back to Natasha Lyonne in SNL set]

Natasha Lyonne: Yeah. [cheers and applause] I gotta say, my best work till date. So anyway, I do some TV, my mom and I moved to the Upper East Side. Suddenly I’m in the movies. Oh, I was in all those 90s movies. American Pie, American Pie 2, American Pie in the multiverse of madness, etc. Oh, I ain’t called favorite but I’m a Cheerleader. Things are going great. And then, “Knock knock. Who’s there?” “Multiple arrests and drug addiction.” Oh, yeah, I went to hell and back. Life was rough. But just like when Fabio was on that roller coaster, and a bird flew in his face. Hey, do we have a photo of that? Yeah, just like when Fabio, when that happened? So I brushed myself off and I got back on the ride.

[cheers and applause]

And now I’m here.

All right, sure. I’m conflating events, glossing over entire decades but I’m here. And I’ll tell you what I found. There’s always hope and despair and there’s always a reason to get back in the ring and fight another day. We got a great show. Japanese Breakfast is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Selena Gomez Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Selena Gomez: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. Growing up, I used to watch SNL every Saturday with my mom. Hi mom. This is a big moment for me. I actually started acting when I was seven and I’ve been lucky enough to work with some Hollywood icons from Steve Martin, Martin Short and of course, Barney.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, that’s me. That was the first show I was on. And now I’m on a show called “Only Murders In The Building”. [cheers and applause] I was so honored to work with Steve Martin and Martin Short, especially after I googled them to find out who they were. I remember telling my friend, I was cast in a show called Only Murders and she was like, “Um, it sounds sexy. Any hot co stars?” And I was like… “Depends. Do you love the banjo?”

All right, it’s cool vaguer out to SNL legends. And when I found out I was hosting, I immediately asked for their advice. Steve said trust no one. And Marty said “I think Steve Martin has been using my credit card.” I also asked one of my oldest friends Miley Cyrus, and she said, “Just be yourself and have fun.” I was like, “Miley, is that just an excuse for me to do an impression of you on the show?” And she was like, “Hell yeah, I’m Miley Cyrus.”

But one reason I’m really excited to host SNL is because I’m single. And I’ve heard that SNL is a great place to find romance. Emma Stone met her husband here. Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost. And Pete and Machine Gun Kelly. And since I don’t really want to try the dating apps, I just want to put it out in the universe that I’m manifesting love. And I would like to say that I’m looking for my soulmate, but at this point, I won’t take anyone.

Kyle Mooney: I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: What?

Kyle Mooney: Be with you. Like you said, I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: Oh, no, no. No, no.

Kyle Mooney: But you just said you’d take anyone.

Selena Gomez: Yeah, but I was just sort of joking. I just don’t really think that’s gonna be our journey. I’m sorry. Aren’t you married?

Kyle Mooney: Oh, yeah, that’s right. Okay, well, I still believe that I could find love with the right person.

James Austin Johnson: I’ll do it.

Selena Gomez: Oh, this is the new cast member Jeff.

James Austin Johnson: It’s James, but I’ll change it to Jeff if you want.

Selena Gomez: Well, aren’t you married also?

James Austin Johnson: Oh, right. Right, right.

Punkie Johnson: Excuse me. Come on, man, you gotta read the room. It’s a no, Jeff. Bye.

Selena Gomez: Thank you. Thank you.

Punkie Johnson: Of course baby. You know, I’m so sorry. These men out here harassing you, it’s just unacceptable, boo. You’re just out here doing your job, you know? Damn. But um, I’ll do it.

[cheers and applause]

Selena: Honestly, it’s kind of a vibe, but let’s see how the after party goes. Before we start the show, I just want to say how grateful I am to be here and I’ll admit I am a little nervous. But I just think back to those words of wisdom that one of my co stars would tell me before every show. I love you. You love me. We’re a happy family. You know it, with that great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won’t you say you love me too. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Post Malone is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.