Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat
Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon
Willie Geist… Mikey Day
Meghan McCain… Aidy Bryant
Natalia Veselnitskaya… Tina Fey
[Starts with “Morning Joe” intro.]
[song playing]
[Cut to Joe and Mika. Mika is drinking a smoothie.]
Joe: Yeah, good morning.
Mika: Good morning.
Joe: Oh, that’s an original song by guess who?
Mika: Oh, who?
Joe: Mua, Joe Scarborough.
Mika: Oh, my god.
Joe: Ha-ha. It’s called “World of Insanity.” Mika loves it.
Mika: Everyone already knows this but Joe has a band.
Joe: Yeah. That’s right. We’re called Scarborough. Pretty sick. We play that at “Prohibition” on Friday. The audience was just packed with MSNBC interns. Welcome to “Morning Joe.” It’s like crossfire that took place in the cafe car of an amtrak. I’m Joe, that’s Mika.
Mika: And joining us as always is Norman Rockwell painting come to life, Willie Geist.
Willie: Good morning, guys.
Joe: Alright. We got a great show. Mika has added two new exasperated groans to her repertoire.
Mika: Oh! Stop that!
Joe: Seriously. Watch this.
Mika: Don’t! Don’t do it.
Joe: Devin Nunes says that publicly naming members of the FBI is a patriotic act.
Mika: Ghaah!
Joe: Ooh, ha-ha. I love that one. Very nice, Mika. Very nice.
Mika: I cannot.
Joe: Okay, here we go. Trump said anyone who didn’t vote for Gina Haspel for the CIA is not a feminist like he is.
Mika: [squeaky voice] Oooh!
Joe: Oh, ha-ha-ha. This tea kettle’s about to blow, baby.
Mika: And the level of hypocrisy–
Joe: Off she goes.
Mika: — is unparalled on this or any other time. And I can’t. And I [squeaky voice] aaaah!
Joe: Hey, she’s got a third ground but that’s only for daddy. Ain’t it?
Mika: Would you stop? [Joe and Mika look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re horrible.
Joe: You’re worse.
[Willie is confused]
Willie Geist, the White House still hasn’t apologized for the outrageous remarks about senator John McCain.
Mika: It’s outrageous.
Joe: Special assistant Kelly Sadler made a tasteless joke about McCain who was very sick.
Mika: Unconscionable.
Joe: Now, joining us is a woman who I’m sure has been hurt by this. Meghan McCain.
[Cut to Meghan McCain in her home.]
Meghan: Hi, Joe.
[Cut to split screen with Joe, Mika and Meghan]
Joe: Meghan, such a pleasure to have you on
Mika: It’s a pleasure.
Joe: Now, these comments about your dad are frankly disrespectful.
Mika: Vile.
Joe: What is your reaction here?
Meghan: Well, I–
Joe: [interrupting] Because from where we’re sitting, your dad is a hero.
Mika: Truly.
Joe: I mean the man was tortured for six years.
Mika: I have his picture on my fireplace.
Joe: So, tell us. What are you feeling right now.
Meghan: I am–
Joe: [interrupting] Because I would be hurt.
Mika: Me too.
Joe: I would be outraged.
Mika: I mean, I am.
Joe: It’s a terrible time but you’re holding up great.
Mika: Youre amazing, Meghan.
Joe: Meghan McCain, thanks for joining us. And hang in there, okay?
[Cut to the show set]
She’s a peach, ain’t she?
Mika: Yes. She’s beautiful woman.
Joe: Well, she’s no Mika mouse, I’ll tell you that.
[Joe and Mika look into each other’s eyes intimately]
Mika: Yeah?
Joe: That’s right.
Mika: You wanna play peekaboo with your Mika mouse?
Joe: You bet I do.
Mika: Yeah? [Joe covers his eyes. Mika stands and moves close to Joe and puts her breasts near his eyes.] Peek-ah-boob!
[Willie is fully confused]
Joe: Mama-sita.
Mika: It’s okay.
Joe: Well, the senate has just released thousands of pages about that June 2016 meeting between the members of the Trump campaign and Russians who said they had damaging information on Hillary Clinton.
Mika: Wow!
Joe: President Trump says he knew nothing about the meeting.
Mika: About?
Joe: Yeah. Here to explain is the Russian lawyer who is there, Natalia Veselnitskaya.
[Cut to Natalia in her home]
Natalia: Greetings, Joe and Mika. I’m so happy to clear this up.
[Cut to split screen with Joe, Mika and Natalia]
Joe: So, Natalia, Don Jr. thought you had some secret information on Hillary Clinton. That’s collusion, isn’t it?
Natalia: No, Joe. They say this meeting is illegal but it’s so ridiculous. It makes me laugh hysterically. [laughing]
Mika: Miss, Veselnitskaya, now, did Donald Trump know about this meeting?
Natalia: Of course not. The meeting was top secret held at an undisclosed location in Trump Tower, three floors below apartment of Donald Trump.
Mika: Right. So, the meeting with Trump campaign took place in Trump Tower with Donald Trump Jr. and Donald Trump knew nothing about it?
Natalia: Well, when you say it like that, it sounds like idiot. But, yes.
Joe: Alright. So, tell us exactly what happened in that meeting?
Natalia: It was also harmless. I go to Trump Tower. It is beautiful place with tourists and shops that sell cologne and fancy chocolates. It’s like a very tall duty free store. Then you go upstairs to meet Don Jr. who was very mysterious man. You don’t know where his chin ends and his neck begins. Then the meeting begins by handing out the customary Russian gift– um, my English not good, the rectangle with the money, bribe. Then I say, “My name is Natalia. I am lawyer who can help Mr. Trump to make lots of money from Russia.” They said, “We already have one of those. His name is Michael Cohen.” And then they leave. Very easy meeting. Very fun. And no one was poisoned.
Joe: Well, I guess that settles it. Natalia Veselnitskaya, thank you.
Mika: Thank you. Let’s take a break. As we go out, here’s a preview of Joe’s new single, “Circus fun.”
Joe: Ha-ha. Available on iTunes, gang.
[Cut to “Morning Joe” outro. “Circus fun” song playing in the background.]