Tag: Morris

Final Encounter Cold Open

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Natasha Lyonne

Colleen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with three people being held for investigation in NSA office]

Morris: Well, hello once again. [cheers and applause] I am agent Morris with the NSA and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are a great interest to the US government as the bulk of you have experienced a third verified alien abduction.

Cecily: I mean, this is wild cuz we were just three gal pals road trippin to a hot sauce Expo. Now we’re VIP guests at the Pentagon.

Natasha: Yeah, and I just like to say for the record, Pentagon has always been my favorite shape. So this is a real treat for me.

Fitzsimmons: All right, good to hear. Now let’s start with how you were all brought into the spacecraft.

Cecily: Um, well we had pulled over on the side of the highway just to stretch our legs and suddenly I was like enveloped by this warm blue light.

Natasha: And it gently lifted us up onto the ship like we was floating. Well, then we met these aliens made pure energy. Almost like angels sir. I just about cried.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty?

Colleen: [smoking] Yes, same.

Morris: Oh, really.

Colleen: No, obviously not. Yeah, I wasn’t so much gently lifted as I was yanked skyward by some kind of claw machine device. And mind you, I’m popping squat on the median at the time. So I slide right out of my slacks and I’m being rocketed up to the ship with my coot-coote prune shooting, yeah. I barely managed to pull my Wonder ware backup.

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry, your wonder wear?

Colleen: Yeah, I call them that because if you saw him, you’d wonder where they’ve been. Anyway, so I get dumped on board the bottom of the ship and I see my old pals, a little grey aliens with the big dumb eyes and it hits me, “Colleen, this might be the most stable relationship you ever had.”

Morris: Well, that’s unfortunate. Now once you were on board, what happened?

Natasha: While the aliens, they showed us like the five elemental forces that knit the fabric of reality together. And y’all never believe this but those five forces were arranged in a pentagon.

Cecily: And there’s a universal language that like, bond’s the universe together. The closest word we have to describe it is love.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty.

Colleen: A little different down in third class. I get on board and the grey aliens, god bless them, they’re already standing in line waiting about my knockers around. So I think what the hell, play the hits, right? I started on buttoning my blouse, but I’m still in my skivvies which are real loose. So my yeasty and my beastie are in full view. Listen, not to get too graphic but pubic-ly speaking, it’s is a jungle down there. I got more hair poking out the sides than a hipsters beard stuffed into an n95. I’m not proud of it but hey, why clean the house and nobody’s coming over, right?

Morris: Thanks, Ms. Rafferty for that detailed account? Now? What happened next with the energy beings?

Natasha: Well, aliens showed us how an infinite number of realities can coexist at once.

Cecily: Yeah, and like how, all the different realities converge in this one spot where all the love of every being exists forever. It’s kind of what we would call heaven.

Colleen: What? All right, no, these are these two are hanging with Dr. Strange in the multiverse. Meanwhile I’m stuck with the Madness, okay? Because back in economy, word is out about my hairy squatter and the greys are all buzzed, okay? These clowns are pointing at Madame their hair, and they’re kind of— They’re elbowing each other. Like, “Hey, are you guys seeing this?”

Fitzsimmons: So the group’s reaction was one of excitement?

Colleen: Yeah, like when a dog— Like a dog when its owner comes home from work. Whoo! It was bedlam, okay? They’re running around. They’re waving their arms like Kermit the Frog. Making weird little noises like [making noise] And then one of these little bastards runs up, and I’m sorry Carla, I gotta use you here. Plucks one, yeah. Plucks one right out, start showing it off. And suddenly my curlies have become the must have item of the season. And they’re flying out the shelves. These morons are grabbing and grabbing, climbing all over each other like my bush is the last lifeboat on the Titanic.

Morris: And were you unsettled by this at all.?

Colleen: No, honestly, the entire time all I could think was “Damn, that fortune teller was dead on.” Did you guys get any that pube stuff?

Cecily: No, no pube stuff. Sorry.

Colleen: Hey, don’t apologize. First time in my life, I’m ready for bikini season.

Morris: Wow. Again, very detailed. Well, how are you returned to Earth?

Cecily: So there was another self light that washed over me and I was instantly just back to where I was before.

Natasha: Oh, it was like waking up from an amazing dream.

Colleen: Okay, see now, that really rips my nips. Because I had to climb down a GD rope ladder that was too short. Right? So I dropped 20 feet and I land ass up with my dong haul and my wrong haul out in the middle of a field.

Fitzsimmons: And what happened next?

Colleen: the umpire called timeout. And the mid security staff took me out of the stadium. Look not the most embarrassing thing I’ve done on a Jumbotron.

Morris: That was a riveting testimony. But there is something you should all know. We’ve been in contact with the beings.

Fitzsimmons: They have offered the US government access to some of their technology if one of you agrees to go with them permanently.

Colleen: Well, I can read the room, it’s me right? Sure. Why not? I always kind of felt like an alien on this planet anyway.

[a door opens. It’s dark here and very bright behind the door. Colleen walks to the door.]

Well, Earth, I love you. Thanks for letting me stay a while. [two aliens come out and look around] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Another Close Encounter

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Tod… Ryan Gosling

Rafferty… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Morris and Fitzsimmons interviewing three people]

Morris: Thank you all for coming on such a short notice. Once again, I’m agent Morris with the NSA and [pointing at Fitzsimmons] this is special agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are of great interest to the US government as you are the first and only people to have experienced two verified alien abductions.

Cecily: Man, this is nuts. Like, one minute, we are drinking beer in the Kohl’s parking lot. Now, we’re like cosmic curiosity.

Fitzsimmons: Indeed. Now, can you tell us how you were brought abroad the spacecraft?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank you for this bitchin hat. It fits my head perfect. And I love it.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Oh, well, we’re glad you like it.

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Cecily: And also to answer your question, sir, it was sort of this pathway made of golden light came down from the spaceship. And we were just like gently ushered in and like, floated up into it.

Tod: Yeah, we got up and– you know, we got up into the hsip and we saw the aliens, glowing beams made of beautiful light. They welcomed us back. It was amazing.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: I see. And you, miss Rafferty.

[Cut to Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Rafferty: Yea, cookie crumbled a little different for me over here. I wasn’t so much lifted by light as I was caught in a net. Little bastards set a snare for me. Next thing I know, I’m being winched straight up through the world’s sappiest pine tree. My slacks got snagged on a branch, so they are gone. And I’m hauled on board with my bush and mu tush hanging out. I see my old pals, the great aliens with the big, fat, stupid eyes and I’m hit with the realization, first time I’ve been on a second date since 2009.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Now, once aboard the ship, what happened?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, the aliens touched our foreheads. And I saw my whole life, even parts I haven’t even lived yet. In a lot of those parts, I was wearing this hat.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. It was as if through their touch, I understood the answer to that all-important question, “Why are we here.”

[Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty.]

Rafferty: [in a shock] What? These guys are tripping out at burning man. Meanwhile, I’m stranded at the fire festival. [Cut to Rafferty] I mean, I hadn’t been on board two minutes before the little Grays start tapping on my knockers. Keep in mind, I got no pants, so my tao and my chacco are out. And this one guy peeks around back and starts pointing at my butt like, “Whoa, how did we miss this?”

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Interesting. And how would you describe their demeanor?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Shoppers storming a Walmart on Black Friday. They were all dropping in, scrambling. A man shot my cheek meat like it’s pizza dough. Right? Some would knead for a bit, you know, and wait for another turn. I mean, if you’re coming back for seconds, that means dinner’s a hit, right?

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Yeah, I wonder if this was some sort of anatomical study.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Na, I don’t think any of these guys were working on the Master’s Thesis. Here’s what I think was happening. [Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty] You might help me out, Ted. Stand up.

[Tod stands]

Yeah, yeah, turn around. Thanks. [Tod turns. Rafferty starts grabbing Tod’s butts.] So, these guys don’t have butts. Regular butts. I don’t think they’re ever seen a crack before. So, my theory is, right, they thought I had like, broken into two pieces and they were trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. They were trying everything. I mean, they were pushing, they were slamming. They’d take one cheek, kind of jiggle it, and then poof! And they were making the sound the whole time like, [making noise]. One guy was trying to like, punch it back together like he was breaking in a catcher’s Mitt. Another one of these idiots was just like jamming his face. [Rafferty puts her face into Tod’s butt] Right in there, looking for the source of the tear. And I was like, “Hey, last guy who did that got double barrel pink eye.” Thanks Tod, you can sit down.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

[cheers and applause]

Morris: How, how were you all returned to earth?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: We were led down a passage wave light cradled by what felt like a big fuzzy mitten. And it almost felt like I was like, god himself was playing with my hair. It was one of the most happiest moments of my life. Right up there with getting this hat.

Cecily: Tod, ease up on the hat. Um, but when the aliens left, I do remember like, feeling happy and safe. Because I know they would always be there, like, watch over me.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Alright, that really puts a bee in my beaver. I got pushed out a hatch to find out they let me out on top of the ship. So I got to scoot myself down cold metal to a jump spot. I free fall 20 feet down. I land ass on a pool raft with my pink pocket and my stink rocket on full display in the middle of Danny Randle’s pool party.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry. Who is Danny Randle?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Beats the hell out of me but he’s never going to forget his 12th birthday, I tell you that.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Alright, if you would come with us, we’d like to run some medical tests.

[Cut to all]

Rafferty: Just so you guys know, some of the bruises on my keister were there before the aliens got to it.