Mother’s Day Apologies Monologue with Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon

Cecily Strong

Penelope Strong

Jay Pharoah

Ramona Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Laura Campbell

Sasheer Zamata

Ivory Steward

Beck Bennett

Sarah Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Carolyn Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Elizabeth Ann Thompson

Pete Davidson

Amy Waters Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Georganne Vinall

Kyle Mooney

Linda Kozub

Bobby Moynihan

Julie Moynihan

Betty Reese

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Reese Witherspoon.

[Reese Witherspoon walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live, especially since it’s the Mother’s day show. [cheers and applause] Mothers are the best. And now that I’m a mother myself, I finally understand what my mom went through with me. I was a full on nightmare. From the ages from 5 through 37. And that’s why tonight, we have a very special treat for y’all. Our real mothers are here. And we are gonna bring them out and apologize for real terrible things we did to them. So, let’s bring them out already. Are you ready?

Audience: Yes!

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, first up, Cecily and her mom Penny.

[Cecily and her mother walk in]

Cecily: Well, hi mom. [music playing] I’m sorry for writing you angry notes on the computer using the dingbats font so you wouldn’t know I was using swear words.

Cecily’s mom: I knew.

Cecily: I know. Happy mother’s day.

[cheers and applause] [Cecily and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up, it’s Jay and his mom, Ramona.

[Jay and his mother walk in]

Jay: Um, hey mom. [music playing] Remember those sandwiches you used to make for me for school? They had like bazel and stuff, I don’t know. It took you forever to make.

Jay’s mom: I remember.

Jay: Yeah, I threw all of them in trash.

Jay’s mom: What?

Jay: So, um, I’m sorry. Come on, just don’t talk. Let’s go.

[Jay and his mother leave] [cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up, it’s Kate and her mom Laura.

[Kate and her mother walk in]

Kate: Hi, mom.

Kate’s mom: Hi honey.

Kate: I’m sorry that whenever I would play may believe with my friends, it was never princesses. Instead we would reenact the shooting of Mary Jo Buttafuoco by Amy Fisher. And I of course would play Jo Buttafuoco. So, I’m sorry for being so weird, mom!

Kate’s mom: You know, honey, it’s good that you’re weird coz weird got you here.

Kate: You’re right, mom. You’re right.

[cheers and applause] [Kate and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next is Sasheer and her mom, Ivory.

[Sasheer and her mother walk in]

Sasheer: Hi, mommy. I’m sorry that in second grade, I slapped a girl across the face and broke her glasses and you had to buy her new ones. And in the spirit of mother’s day, if that girl is watching, I’d just like to say, “You deserved it.”

Sasheer’s mom: You did!

[cheers and applause] [Sasheer and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Beck and his mom, Sarah.

[Beck and his mother walk in]

Beck: Mom, hi. So, remember that vibrating swiggle wiggle pen that you got me when I was little?

Beck’s mom: [looking concerned] Uh-huh?

Beck: I’m sorry for sexually experimenting with that.

[Beck’s mom is shocked. Beck pulls her out of the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. Thank you, Beck. That was gross. Um, next up is Venessa and her mom, Carolyn.

[Venessa and her mother walk in]

Venessa: Hi, mom. You look beautiful.

Venessa’s mom: Thank you.

Venessa: I’m sorry that when I was little, I used to pee the bed. And then I’d get out of the bed and run around my room peeing. And then I’d freak out and run to your room and pee the whole way there. So, sorry for all of the pee.

[cheers and applause] [Venessa and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, come on up here, Kenan and his mom,

[Kenan and his mother walk in]

Kenan: Hi, mama.

Kenan’s mom: Hi, Kenan.

Kenan: Thanks for coming. I’m sorry that when I was a teenager, I loved fire. And that one night, I tried to secretly burn a piece of notebook paper and almost set out entire house on hire.

Kenan’s mom: That’s okay, honey. But I’ve always wondered what was on that piece of paper.

Kenan: We ain’t got to talk about that.

[Kenan and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up is Pete and his mom, Amy. [Pete and his mother walk in] Mrs. Davidson, before Pete says anything, I’d just like to say that I’m sorry because I’ve only known him a week but I can only imagine.

[Pete looks at Reese Witherspoon angrily]

Pete: Thanks, Reese Witherspoon! Mom, I’m sorry that I used your good coat for a murder scene in a horror movie I made when I was nine. I put ketchup all over it for blood and then just rolled it back up and put it in your closet. Here! [He gives flowers to his mom]

Pete’s mom: Oh, thanks honey.

Pete: I didn’t get it.

[Pete and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Alright, let’s greet Aidy and her mom, Georganne.

[Aidy and her mother walk in]

Aidy: Hi, mom. I wanna thank you for all those times you let me borrow the car to go to the movies. But I’m sorry because I never went to the movies and I always went to church parking lot where I rubbed jeans with Ricky Fico.

Reese Witherspoon: Sounds kind of hot!

Aidy’s mom: He wasn’t!

Aidy: Mom!

[Aidy and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up is Kyle and his mom, Linda.

[Kyle and his mother walk in]

Kyle: Hi, mom. It’s Kyle.

Kyle’s mom: I recognize you.

Kyle: We haven’t talked about this like, ever! But I’m sorry about that one time you were asleep on the couch and I was on the big chair and there was a nudy movie on Showtime with two girls. And I started doing that thing and you woke up [Kyle’s mom is shocked] and screamed, “Kyle!” And then you went back to sleep. I’m really sorry about that and I’m sorry for bringing that up on TV.

[Kyle pulls his mother away]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Bobby and his mom, Julie.

[Bobby and his mother walk in]

Bobby: Hey, hi mom.

Bobby’s mom: Hi.

Bobby: Hi. Look, I’m sorry that I drew my name on the wall in marker and then blamed it on grandma. And then you said, “How did grandma get up and write that when she is in a wheelchair?” And I said, “It’s a miracle.” I love you, mom.

[cheers and applause] [Bobby and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: And finally, last but not least, it’s my turn. Please welcome the love of my life, my mother Betty.

[cheers and applause] [Reese’s mom walks in]

Hi, mom. Okay, this is bad, you guys. But, mom, I’m really sorry that one time in high school, I told you that I was gonna sleep over at Ashley’s house but instead I checked in to a hotel with my boyfriend. But then I felt so guilty that I left and went back to Ashley’s house. Do you forgive me?

Reese’s mom: Of course, sweetheart. And now, me and the other moms have something we want to apologize for.

Reese Witherspoon: Huh?

Reese’s mom: We’re sorry that we’re about to show a bunch of home videos of you kids.

Reese Witherspoon: What?

Reese’s mom: Roll it, Lorne!

[Cut to old funny video clips of when SNL cast members were kids.] [Cut to SNL stage with everybody]

Reese Witherspoon: Wow, thank you for that, mom. We have a great show. Florence and the Machine is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Living with His Mom | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Amy Davidson

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his Weekend Update set]

Colin Jost: Well, Mother’s day is tomorrow. [Laughter] Here with some thoughts is our own Pete Davidson. [Cheers and applause] [Pete Davidson joins Colin Jost] Pete Davidson: Hey, man. So this is going to be a special Mother’s day for me because this year she’s not just my mom, but she’s also my roommate. [Laughter]

Colin Jost: Oh, wow. That’s great. So, you’re living with your mom?

Pete Davidson: You don’t have to say it like I’m a loser like – [Cut to Pete] I know what people think. You know, they see you on TV and magazines and stuff and they think, “Wow, that guy must have his own place.” [Laughter] You know? Nope. But it’s not like I moved into her house. I just bought a house with my mom like a winner. [Laughter] [Cut to Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Right. I mean, I’ve heard of people buying houses for their mom.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I didn’t do that, if I buy a house, [Cut to Pete] I’m going to live in it. But I told her it’s not like a mother-son thing. Now we’re just homeys.

[Cut to Pete and Colin] Colin Jost: Homeys, okay, so she’s staying out of your business?

Pete Davidson: For the most part. But I won’t lie. It’s weird to get caught masturbating at my age. [Cut to Pete] Because when you’re like 15 and your mom catches you, it’s embarrassing. But on some level when she closes the door she’s proud. You know? She’s like, “Wow, my boy is growing up.” [Cut to Pete and Colin] [Pete looks at Colin] You know? [Laughter]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know, man. I don’t know if that’s how moms feel.

[Cut to Pete] Pete Davidson: No, but when you’re 25 and your mom catches you masturbating, it’s like this should not have happened. Who just walks into the kitchen without knocking? Thankfully, that’s a lesson my mother and sister finally learned. [laughter] [Cut to Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Your sister lives there too?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, and she’s 21 and still living at home. Isn’t that sad? [laughter] [Cut to Pete] It’s weird living with my mom and sister because sometimes I’ll see a strange dude in the house and I don’t know if he’s some dirt bag preying on my sister of the saint who’s going to take my mom off my hands. [laughter] But she really is the best and I put her through a lot so I’d like to bring her out. Please welcome the greatest roommate in the world, Amy Davidson, everybody.

[Amy Davidson joins Pete]

Amy Davidson: Hi everybody.

[Cut to Amy, Pete and Colin] Colin Jost: Hi, Mrs. Davidson.

Amy Davidson: Hi Colin. Happy mother’s day.

Colin Jost: Thank you. [laughter]

Pete Davidson: Hey man, be nice. It’s my mom.

Colin Jost: What do you guys have planned for tomorrow?

Pete Davidson: What do you mean? I put her on TV. This is it. [Cut to Amy and Pete] You never know. Jon Hamm could be single and watching.

Amy Davidson: I’d also settle for James Spader.

Pete Davidson: All right. You’d settle for a ninja turtle. I just need a new dad.

[Cut to Amy, Pete, Colin and Michael]

Colin Jost: Pete and his mom, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Happy mother’s day.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night!