Tag: Movie

Weekend Update Funky Kong on The Super Mario Bros Movie

Colin Jost

Funky Kong… Kenan Thompson.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new Mario Brothers movie is a huge hit and many fans were hoping for an appearance from one of the coolest characters in the Mario universe, Funky Kong. So here to talk about it is Funky Kong.

[Funky Kong slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Funky Kong: What’s up, Colin? What’s up, ladies? Yeah. Which one of y’all going home with Funky Kong?

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. How are you doing, Funky Kong?

Funky Kong: Man, I’ve been better. I thought I was gonna be out nobody’s moving they just made $500 million. 600. But this is how much you get to see of me.

Colin Jost: Wow, so you’re just in the background? What happened?

Funky Kong: Man, they cut me out. I guess Funky Kong is too real for them. They don’t want to hear what I got to say. And they sure as hell don’t want to watch me work. Bring it back.

[music palying]

[Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Wow, I really am so sorry that you got cut.

Funky Kong: Funky don’t want to be what they want, Colin. Funky don’t throw no barrels. Funky Kong spends his day cruising in my car, dropping off packages of the sticky icky. And I spend my nights with a glass of banana rum and a bed full of toads.

Colin Jost: And now, are toads male or female?

Funky Kong: Funky don’t know, Funky don’t ask.

Colin Jost: It’s really is a shame that you’re not in the movie because your cousin Donkey Kong is a major character.

Funky Kong: Oh yeah, man. Donkey Kong is all up in it. But they ain’t even us Monkey Kong.

Colin Jost: Who’s Monkey Kong?

Funky Kong: He’s a donkey. Man, those Japanese people sure are interesting. Oh man, you know they kicked me off the set?

Colin Jost: What? Why?

Funky Kong: Because I was in my trailer drumming on booty cheeks like Bongo was in the minigame. I was in there like, booty cheeks, titty meat, booty cheeks, titty meat.

Colin Jost: Great. It’s really great. So you were originally in the movie?

Funky Kong: Absolutely. Man. I had a few choice scenes. I was incredible. I even have the whole script right here. Here. Come on. Read this here with me, Colin. I’ll show you what I’m talking about. You’ll be Mario and Luigi. I’m gonna be myself. Paste well.

Colin Jost: Sure. Great. All right, Luigi: We got to get to the castle, but the fastest way is Rainbow Road. Mario: Rainbow Road? We’ll fall off.

Funky Kong: Man, ain’t no bitches in here.

Colin Jost: I can’t believe that’s the original line.

Funky Kong: I told you man. I was dope. Go to page 36, man. The scene with me and Peach.

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah, you and Peach. Princess Peach: Funky Kong, they are holding our friends prisoner in Warrior stadium. Can you help?

Funky Kong: Girl, why don’t you open up that peach and let me see what’s inside?

Colin Jost: Honestly, I can see why they cut you out.

Funky Kong: Come on, Colin. People would have eaten that up, man. You ever had monkey meat?

Colin Jost: Monkey meat? No.

Funky Kong: That’s not what your mamma said last night. Bring it back.

[music playing]

[Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Funky Kong, everyone. Funky Kong.

American Girl Doll Movie Trailer

Molly… Molly Sherman

Kirsten… Heidi Gardner

Samantha… Chloe Fineman

Hosofina… Ana de Armas

Addy… Ego Nwodim

Kit… Molly Kearney

Male voice: People can’t stop talking about the trailer for the new Barbie movie. But not all dolls live in a dream house. Some are bigger, younger, sadder. Some dolls are American girl.

Molly: Hi Kirsten.

Kirsten: Hi Molly.

Kit: Hi Samantha.

Samantha: Hi Hosofina.

Hosofina: Hi Kit.

Addy: And I’m Addy. No one said hi to me.

Male voice: This summer, a new live action story about your favorite historically accurate dolls. Each with their own harrowing backstory.

Samantha: I’m a bitchy orphan from Victorian times. I watched my parents die in a boat.

Kirsten: That’s okay. My best friend Marta died of cholera.

Kit: That’s okay. My dad is a prisoner of war. And tragically, I have glasses.

Hosofina: That’s okay. My mama is dead. We bury her in the church graveyard.

Addy: That’s okay. I don’t know my birthday because I’m a runaway slave.

[silence]

Hosofina: Let’s play.

All: Yay!

Male voice: Do they have pink Corvettes? No! Boyfriends? No way. Did all their family members die of vague old timey diseases? Absolutely.

Kit: Fashion Show!

Male voice: Come for the fun. Stay for the overburdened preteens wearing four layers of Petticoats and pantaloons.

Samantha: What’s wrong, Hosofina? You’ve barely touched your tea.

Hosofina: The memory of my Mama is slipping away.

Molly: Look what I can do. [coughs blood on tissue]

[cut to Molly being covered by white sheet because she’s dead]

Kirsten: That’s okay.

All: Yeah. That’s okay.

Kirsten: Audiences are raving. “We loved it,” says girls who played soccer magazine. The New York Times write “These little girls are going through too much.”

Kirsten: What do you say girls? Should we have a sleepover tonight?

All: Yay.

Kirsten: What about you Addy?

Addy: I’m good. I don’t trust none of y’all.

Male voice: Watch as the American girls travel on a journey from American girl land to the modern world.

Kit: I’m going to stop World War II.

Hosofina: And I’m going to stop the Spanish American War.

Kirsten: And I’m going to end cholera.

[Now Kirsten coughs blood on tissue]

[cut to they throw away a dead body out of a carriage]

All: That’s okay.

Horror Movie Trailer

[Starts with Mikey and Chloe watching movie at night]

Mikey: I’m gonna get some more popcorn. You want some?

Chloe: Sure.

Male voice: Sometimes a familiar face can be the most terrifying.

Speaker on TV: In political news, President Biden has said he intends to run for reelection in 2024.

Chloe: No.

Male voice: You trusted him once.

Mikey: I know he’s a little old, but he could still win. Right? He beat Trump

Chloe: But can he beat DeSantis?

Mikey: I don’t know. [screaming] I don’t know.

Male voice: Can you trust him again?

Punkie: [researching on the internet] He’s 79 now. Election is in two years. So that means— [Punkie does the calculation and gets scared with the result]

Male voice: When it feels like nothing’s going right.

Bowen: Gas prices are still kind of high.

Male voice: Even though it kind of is.

Chloe: Why are we so worried? He’s done so much. Student debt relief. Holding NATO together. Infrastructure bill.

Mikey: But he fell off his bike once.

[The TV turns on by itself. There plays a vide of Joe Biden falling off his bike.]

[everyone is screaming]

Heidi: Wait. According to this article, he’s not actually going to run in 2024. He’s just saying he is to present a united front before the midterms.

Punkie: What a relief.

Bowen: Yeah. I mean, I love the guy but he did his part.

Chloe: If Biden’s not gonna run, who will?

Male voice: Just when you thought the terror was over.

Bowen: [panicking] I don’t know. I don’t know. Kamala?

Chloe: [slaps Bowen] Wake up.

Male voice: You realize it’s just beginning.

Bowen: There’s gotta be someone.

Heidi: Cory Booker.

Chloe: He’s corny.

Heidi: Mayor Pete?

Chloe: [holding Heidi tight] Listen to yourself.

Male voice: The producers of Smile and the twisted minds of Morning Joe.

[door knocking]

[Everyone looks at the door but no one goes to open it. Someone slides in ‘Beto 2024’ brochure.]

Punkie: Guys.

[Theres ‘Bernie’ written on the wall with blood]

Chloe: Not again.

Mikey: [looking at the wall] [in scary voice] I have the perfect candidate.

Chloe: Babe?

Mikey: A superstar who can go all the way. [He turns around. He’s got blood in his mouth.] Hillary.

[everyone is screaming]

Male voice: Sometimes, your best option.

Mikey: I’m with her. I’m with her. I’m with her.

Male voice: Is the one you fear the most.

Chloe: There has to be someone.

Bowen: Biden maybe? Are we back to Biden?

Punkie: Yeah, I like Biden.

Chloe: Yeah, Biden. So, Biden?

Mikey: Biden’s great. Right? He’s Biden.

Male voice: 2020 Part 2, 2024, coming in 2023.

Weekend Update Adele Proposal New Lethal Weapon Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news et. There’s a picture of Adele at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man surprised his girlfriend by bringing you’re on stage to propose to her during an Adele concert. Then they sat down and listened to an hour of songs about divorce.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lethal Weapon poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mel Gibson is reportedly in talks to direct a new Lethal Weapon movie but if you want to see a broken down black guy team up with a handsome racist, just watch Weekend Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Frida Kahlo painting at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks.I wasn’t addressed. Anyway, a self Portrait by Frida Kahlo was sold at auction for the record some of $34 million. A price that definitely raised some eyebrows.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Professor: not immoral for adults to be attracted to children”.]

A professor at a college in Virginia is being criticized after saying that it is not immoral for adults to be sexually attracted to children. Find out why and his new book – “Wait, hold on! Hear me out…”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of bees at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New research shows that before honey bees are killed by murder Hornets, they scream a rally cry to other bees… who sadly just film the attack on their phones.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disneyland logo at left top corner.]

It’s not real, guys.

Colin Jost: Bees. It was announced that for the first time ever, Disney parks will feature black Santa Clauses. Unfortunately, as part of the villains parade.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Queen Elizabeth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Royal experts are saying that Queen Elizabeth’s health has entered a different phase and the public may not see her until February. So, you know what that means. New titties!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of moon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week the US experienced the longest partial lunar eclipse in nearly 600 years. Scientists say the Eclipse began when yo mama got on the trampoline.

 

Brutal Marriage Movie

Husband… Rami Malek

Wife… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with peak into husband and wife’s life]

Husband: I work late tonight.

Wife: You work late every night.

[Husband looks down and walks out]

Male voice: From a producer of “Marriage Story”.

[Husband and Wife are in bed]

Husband: Hey.

Wife: Hey.

Male voice: And the studio that brought you scenes from a marriage, and the stunt team from Blue Valentine.

[Wife is cutting vegetables. Husband tries to comfort her.]

Husband: Let me–

Wife: Don’t! [Accidentally cuts her finger a bit]

Husband: I’m sorry.

Wife: You’re always sorry, Nate. [walks away]

Male voice: Comes another film that shows you what a bummer it is to share your life with another person. “Brutal Marriage Movie”. Featuring two actors who fully expect Oscars. Really chewing on it. I mean, really chewing on it.

[Husband gets back home]

Husband: Claire, I’m sorry.

Wife: Ezra has one tumbling recital a year. One. And you can’t even–

Husband: I had a heart attack.

Wife: I can’t!

Male voice: Just two straight people with their straight little problems.

[They’re having dinner with friends]

Bowen: I feel like sex in your 30s is better.

Punkie: Way better.

Husband: Yeah, sex is fire.

[Husband puts his hand on Wife’s thigh. Wife slaps his hand off.]

Male voice: And their hands tell the truth. Starring a woman who loves to drink wine and dance around. A man who loves to get petted. And never forget, the therapist will be black.

[Husband and Wife is with their therapist]

Wife: My life is here.

Husband: And my life is there.

Therapist: So, break up?

Wife: No. No. We just want to fight a little more until we fall in love again.

Male voice: Married people across America are asking. “Is this for us? Because we don’t want it.” “Went to the movies, saw a damn play.” “I kept watching, mostly because I heard you see the actors [bleep]. Meh!” From a director going through a divorce himself, and now he gets to decide what happened.

Son: I wanna live with daddy. He’s such a good man.

Wife: You’re right.

Male voice: With all the moments you love. Man doesn’t hit woman, but breaks something close to her. Very, very quiet, then all of a sudden loud.

[Husband holds Wife]

Husband: [soft voice] You look beautiful in this light.

Wife: [screaming] You’re suffocating me.

Male voice: And insane sex scene that’s only close up from the actors’ faces. And they cry again. “Brutal Marriage Movie”, just get a divorce.

Weekend Update Terry Finks Fall 2021 Movie Review

Colin Jost

Terry Fink… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s officially fall which means, you guessed it, movies, movies and more movies. Here to give his picks of the season is our very own film critic, Terry Fink.

Terry Fink: Hey! Hi there. Mr. Jost, an honor and a privilege.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, Terry. Now, you’ve seen every single film out there this year already. How is it even possible to see everything?

Terry Fink: Sure, it’s possible, Colin. In fact, I’ve found I can watch up to nine movies at once, thanks to a little friend I call LSD.

Colin Jost: Wait. You’re taking LSD?

Terry Fink: Just micro-dosing. It’s all the rage. A little bit of LSD helps me LS-see all these terrific films. First up, “James Bond: No Time To Die”. Well, shake up those martinis because Bond is back with a license to thrill audiences. Daniel Craig wows as the titular Brit, until the third act when he bizarrely transforms into a 50 foot tall Catholic nun whipping me with my father’s belt. That said, it’s a best movie I’ve ever seen. Colin?

Colin Jost: Yes, I don’t know, Terry. It sounds like you might be more than micro-dosing.

Terry Fink: Ha-ha-ha. Says the guy with no mouth. Relax, narc. Next up, the recent “Paw Patrol: The Movie”. Quick, someone call 9-fun-fun because this hellish film is a skin melting nightmare. A mostly confusing blur of colors, shrieks and vibrating plaid, this ‘pawdorable’ ode of fascism begs the question “Will I ever stop falling through this bottomless void?” Director Charles Manson will have you standing in the isles, sweating buckets and screaming a cab until the theater is quietly evacuated. I hated it. I loved it. I feared it. And I accepted it as my one true god. I give “Paw Patrol” 10 tini-tiny Terries. Jamal?

Colin Jost: It’s Colin. Terry, I think you need to maybe ease up on the LSD.

Terry Fink: Yeah. [looking around at the air] Sure. Says the guy whizzing around the studio like a humming bird. I’m gonna get you, Colin. [Tries to catch something out of air] Got ya!

Colin Jost: [poking Terry Fink]  I’m over here.

Terry Fink: Oh my god! Don’t do that.

Colin Jost: You okay man?

Terry Fink: Next up, it’s breezy slice of life Rom-Com, “Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage”. I’m gonna be honest, I was a little high for this one. But I got the gist. Meryl Streep is flat out awful as Venom, himself, but its new comer Jeff Bush who thrills and chills as the Time Square Elsa shoving me through the window of M&M store. I loved it so much, I ran 19 blocks in two minutes. I give it 22 toothless Terries. Satan?

Colin Jost: Oh, no. Terry Fink, everyone.

Terry Fink: I don’t trust a vaccine.

Weekend Update- New Twinkies Cereal and Joe Exotic Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes.]

Michael Che: The makers of Twinkies announced a new cereal based on the snack cakes. And this is nice. Every box comes with a t-shirt you kid can wear in the pool.

Colin Jost: LifeTime has announced a spin-off of their new hit show “Married At First Sight” that catches up on couples from the show. The spin-off if called “Divorced or Murdered?”

Joe Exotic, the subject of the Netflix series “Tiger King” said that he wants Brad Pitt to play him in a movie version of his life. Which is sort of like if ‘The Colin Jost’ story starred Denzel Washington.

Michael Che: A woman in England baked a cake for a charity fundraiser that was in the shape of a rollup toilet paper. The icing was vanilla with a little streaks of chocolate. That’s a good cake.

Colin Jost: A couple has created a miniature versions of classic paintings to display for their durables. They say the toughest part was getting the paintings to also fit up their ass.

Michael Che: What happened to you?

Colin Jost: A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their homes at a senior home in Germany have started performing outside their windows. Even though saying, “I see clowns outside my window,” is how you end up in a home.

Michael Che: A male panda at a zoo in Hong Kong has for the first time mated with his female companion of ten years, after she finally agreed to get implants. [A picture of a panda with breasts appears.]

That’s funny. You know guys, by the way, this is really fun. And as you know, Colin, I lost my grandmother this week. And coming back to work really made me feel better. Specially with you.

Colin Jost: Aw. Thank you.

Michael Che: My favorite part of this show was when would do joke swap. You have no idea but, I don’t know, maybe would you like to do one right now?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Wow, that started out so sweet.

Michael Che: Yeah. No. Well, I mean, she would have really liked it.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: So, I sent– I had Pete send you a joke in your email if you can just open up and read it.

Colin Jost: [pulling out the laptop] This is my laptop that I just received my email on. [reading the email] Oh my god!

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. She would really like this.

Colin Jost: Yeah. She would love. Okay. For her then, I’ll say this. Great.

Two professors at the University of Oklahoma have been cited for using the N word in class. In their defense, the students were being pretty lazy.

Michael Che: Damn! My grandmother has never seen this show. I just wanted you to do that.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: She woke up at like, 4 AM dude, to pray. You think she’d watch Saturday Night Live? Never. But I really appreciate it. That made this night perfect, man. Thank you. Aw, man. For Weekend Update, I’m Martha’s grand baby.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.