Dad… Bobby Moynihan[Starts with Mom bringing snacks for Tommy and Dad who are watching TV]
Mom: Okay. And let them eat snacks.
Tommy: Mom, you rock.
Mom: Oh, gosh! When did Hamilton look so young? When is this?
Dad: It’s the very first Terminator from 84. It’s a classic.
Tommy: Yeah, you know, we haven’t had a movie night in forever. This is nice.[Girl moaning sound from the TV]
Tommy thinking: Oh, no! There’s a sex scene in Terminator? I don’t remember this. Now I have to watch sex with my parents? This is so awkward. I need to ease the tension in here. I have to say something that will lighten things up. Right now![girl moaning sound]
Tommy: So, when was the last time you guys did that?
Tommy thinking: Oh my god! That was the worst possible thing I could have said. Everyone was pretending it didn’t even happen. I need to say something else.
Tommy: Wah! She’s getting railed.
Tommy thinking: Oh, why would I say that? I should say something sweet now.
Tommy: I love you guys so much.
Dad: Ah, okay kid.
Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Aw, that’s very sweet of you.
Mom thinking: Oh boy! I wish my hand wasn’t so rubbing Tommy’s thigh during this intercourse scene. I’ll have to remove my hand to shuttle in. It’d affect Tommy sexual confiden– Oh, you know what? I got it![Mom claps around and looks at her palm]
Yep! Nice one, Patty!
Dad thinking: Oh boy. I need to break the tension with a witty comment about what we’re watching. Think, Jim!
Dad: You know, she has very dark nipples for a white girl.
Dad thinking: Ha-ha-ha. Nailed it!
Tommy thinking: I gotta take a quick timeout from this or I will literally die.[Tommy stands]
Tommy: So I’m gonna grab a snack real quick.
Dad: Oh, you want us to pause it?
Tommy: Umm….. yeah.
Tommy thinking: No! Why would you tell them to pause it?[Tommy walks away]
Mom thinking: Boy, that is a dark nipple. Nipple is a weird word. Nipple. Nipple. Nipple.
Dad thinking: We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Can’t get that thing out my head. We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Ha-ha. Genius.[Tommy walks in] [girl moaning sound] [Mom is looking at what Tommy is eating]
Tommy thinking: Oh my god! I was so out of my head with the pause thing, I just opened a pantry and grabbed the package of dry Rigatoni pasta. And now I’m eating it. This hurts. Really bad.
Mom thinking: I wish these two actors would have discussed wearing a condom before start making love. I hope Tommy doesn’t think that’s okay. I should say something. Just something casual, cool. Something pro-safe sex.
Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Boy, rubbers are red, huh?
Mom thinking: Oh boy. I wish I hadn’t started rubbing his thigh again when I brought up the rubbers. Pity!
Dad thinking: That was weird. Poor kid. Probably dying inside. I’ma help him out.[girl moaning sound]
Dad: You know, there’s a sex scene in Wild Things that’s way worse than this. It’s a crazy three way. It’s a topless Denise Richards in her prime. Scene starts at like 38:10. You should check it out.
Dad thinking: Boy, they’re gonna know I have a Mr. Skin account.
Tommy thinking: Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I gotta make some kind of witty statement so we could forget how uncomfortable this has been.[girl moaning sound]
Tommy: This guy is lasting so long. You know, I bet he’s thinking of baseball or this parents so he lasts, you know? Not that I would think of you guys during sex. That’s gross. I mean, you know– but you are not gross. You know, you guys were hot back in the day. If I was back to the future and I time traveled to when you were in high school, I’d totally hook up with you mom. [yelling] Ew! What am I saying? I hate the Terminator. I’m a virgin by the way. Okay, see you guys![Tommy stands and walks away] [girl moaning sound]
Mom: She really is getting railed.
Dad: Yeah, she is taking it like a champ.[The End]