Movie Night

Mom…Melissa McCarthy

Tommy…Pete Davidson

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mom bringing snacks for Tommy and Dad who are watching TV]

Mom: Okay. And let them eat snacks.

Tommy: Mom, you rock.

Mom: Oh, gosh! When did Hamilton look so young? When is this?

Dad: It’s the very first Terminator from 84. It’s a classic.

Tommy: Yeah, you know, we haven’t had a movie night in forever. This is nice.

[Girl moaning sound from the TV]

Tommy thinking: Oh, no! There’s a sex scene in Terminator? I don’t remember this. Now I have to watch sex with my parents? This is so awkward. I need to ease the tension in here. I have to say something that will lighten things up. Right now!

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: So, when was the last time you guys did that?

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! That was the worst possible thing I could have said. Everyone was pretending it didn’t even happen. I need to say something else.

Tommy: Wah! She’s getting railed.

Tommy thinking: Oh, why would I say that? I should say something sweet now.

Tommy: I love you guys so much.

Dad: Ah, okay kid.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Aw, that’s very sweet of you.

Mom thinking: Oh boy! I wish my hand wasn’t so rubbing Tommy’s thigh during this intercourse scene. I’ll have to remove my hand to shuttle in. It’d affect Tommy sexual confiden– Oh, you know what? I got it!

[Mom claps around and looks at her palm]

Yep! Nice one, Patty!

Dad thinking: Oh boy. I need to break the tension with a witty comment about what we’re watching. Think, Jim!

Dad: You know, she has very dark nipples for a white girl.

Dad thinking: Ha-ha-ha. Nailed it!

Tommy thinking: I gotta take a quick timeout from this or I will literally die.

[Tommy stands]

Tommy: So I’m gonna grab a snack real quick.

Dad: Oh, you want us to pause it?

Tommy: Umm….. yeah.

Tommy thinking: No! Why would you tell them to pause it?

[Tommy walks away]

Mom thinking: Boy, that is a dark nipple. Nipple is a weird word. Nipple. Nipple. Nipple.

Dad thinking: We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Can’t get that thing out my head. We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Ha-ha. Genius.

[Tommy walks in] [girl moaning sound] [Mom is looking at what Tommy is eating]

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! I was so out of my head with the pause thing, I just opened a pantry and grabbed the package of dry Rigatoni pasta. And now I’m eating it. This hurts. Really bad.

Mom thinking: I wish these two actors would have discussed wearing a condom before start making love. I hope Tommy doesn’t think that’s okay. I should say something. Just something casual, cool. Something pro-safe sex.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Boy, rubbers are red, huh?

Mom thinking: Oh boy. I wish I hadn’t started rubbing his thigh again when I brought up the rubbers. Pity!

Dad thinking: That was weird. Poor kid. Probably dying inside. I’ma help him out.

[girl moaning sound]

Dad: You know, there’s a sex scene in Wild Things that’s way worse than this. It’s a crazy three way. It’s a topless Denise Richards in her prime. Scene starts at like 38:10. You should check it out.

Dad thinking: Boy, they’re gonna know I have a Mr. Skin account.

Tommy thinking: Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I gotta make some kind of witty statement so we could forget how uncomfortable this has been.

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: This guy is lasting so long. You know, I bet he’s thinking of baseball or this parents so he lasts, you know? Not that I would think of you guys during sex. That’s gross. I mean, you know– but you are not gross. You know, you guys were hot back in the day. If I was back to the future and I time traveled to when you were in high school, I’d totally hook up with you mom. [yelling] Ew! What am I saying? I hate the Terminator. I’m a virgin by the way. Okay, see you guys!

[Tommy stands and walks away] [girl moaning sound]

Mom: She really is getting railed.

Dad: Yeah, she is taking it like a champ.

[The End]