Kenan Thompson
Sandra Oh
Mr. Abbeton… Beck Bennett
Mr. Eberle… Pete Davidson
Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with Sandra Oh and Melissa Villaseñor rushing to towards the courtyard]Sandra Oh: Quickly.
[Cut to the courtyard. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are getting ready for the duel.]Kenan Thompson: Mr. Abbeton. Mr. Eberle. Choose your weapons.
Sandra Oh: Stop. Kind sirs. [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] My affections are not worth this quarrel. Whatever injury you any might incur cannot compete with the wound you inflict upon my heart.
[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]Kenan Thompson: Listen to her gentleman. No woman is worth losing life and limb over.
Mr. Abbeton: This man has laid claim to what is rightfully mine. [Cut to Mr. Abbeton] And I will have satisfaction.
[Cut to Mr. Eberle and Kenan Thompson]Mr. Eberle: And I will not rest until his blood is spilled upon this very crown.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]Sandra Oh: I cannot bear to see either of you suffer even this slightest of wounds.
[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]Mr. Abbeton: Then I suggest you look away.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]Melissa Villaseñor: Do as he says, my lady.
[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are facing opposite directions.]Kenan Thompson: You agreed upon the terms. Ten paces and then turn and fire. Mr. Abbeton.
Mr. Abbeton: Ready.
Mr. Eberle: Mr. Eberle. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!
[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s arm] [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, are you okay?
[Cut to everybody]Mr. Eberle: Oh, my god, sorry.
Melissa Villaseñor: I think [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] you got a little bit shot.
Sandra Oh: Oh! The only pain feel is seeing the two men I adore at odds.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]Melissa Villaseñor: Well, you’re definitely bleeding.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]Sandra Oh: It’s nothing compared to their suffering.
[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I think we should go over the rules again.
Mr. Abbeton: Yes, because he went early, right?
Kenan Thompson: Yes. So, just to be clear, you will walk ten paces and then turn and shoot.
Mr. Abbeton: Understood?
Mr. Eberle: And what do I do?
Kenan Thompson: Well, the same thing.
Mr. Eberle: As before? Okay. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!
[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s another arm] [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]Melissa Villaseñor: Gross!
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]Sandra Oh: ‘Tis but a pin prick. The only pain is loving a woman that another man loves.
[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, my lady. I’m not very good at this game.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]Sandra Oh: Do not give me a second thought. I beseech you, sirs. Think only of yourselves.
[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]Kenan Thompson: Okay, perhaps we should abandon the guns and take all our clothes off and fight.
Mr. Abbeton: Our clothes. Why are you involved?
Kenan Thompson: Well, I’m mad too. This is taking up my whole damn day.
Mr. Abbeton: Let’s try one more time.
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]Sandra Oh: I’m just going to move you here right in front of me. [Sandra Oh pulls Melissa Villaseñor in front of her]
Melissa Villaseñor: What?
Sandra Oh: So, you may better see.
[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I’m going to walk you through this. Do exactly as I say. Take one step—One step?
Mr. Abbeton: I thought we were going to take ten.
Mr. Eberle: Are we at ten already? [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!
Kenan Thompson: No.
Mr. Abbeton: I haven’t gotten to go bang once! [Mr. Abbeton turns around and shoots] Bang!
[Cut to everybody. The two bullets are bouncing everywhere.]Sandra Oh: What’s happening?
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]Melissa Villaseñor: Currently there are two bullets in the air bouncing around the courtyard.
Sandra Oh: I’m sure I can just peek out to see what’s happening. [One bullets hit Sandra Oh] Oh, my lord. I hate this day.
[Cut to Kenan Thompson]Kenan Thompson: The two of you should be ashamed! [Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle] Hand me the pistol.
Sandra Oh: Do be careful.
Kenan Thompson: What? Oh! [Kenan mistakenly shoots the pistol. The bullet hits Sandra’s finger and cuts it.]
Mr. Abbeton: Oh, my god. Give that back. [Mr. Abbeton tries to take the pistol back but then mistakenly shoots. The bullet hits Sandra’s another finger and cuts it.]
Mr. Eberle: [Shoots one more time] Bang! [The bullet hits Sandra’s leg]
Mr. Abbeton: Why did you do that?
Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, I was trying something.
[Cut to Sandra Oh]Sandra Oh: This ends now!
[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh. Sandra walks to Kenan, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Her leg gets cut but she’s still walking.]Melissa Villaseñor: My lady, your leg.
Sandra Oh: Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton. I have something to say and I will be heard! You have suffered enough.
[Cut to Sandra Oh, Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]Mr. Abbeton: She’s right. Do you forgive me?
Mr. Eberle: I do.
Sandra Oh: Now, give me those weapons and let the healing begin—[She shoots herself]
Kenan Thompson: Yep, that’s a head trigger right there.