Coach… Beck Bennett
Mikey Day
Alex Moffat
Kyle Mooney
Riley… JJ Watt
Robby… Chris Redd
Mr. Philmore… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with coach prep-talking to the football players]Coach: Gentlemen, this is the playoffs. Clubs in this not gonna–
[Coach realizes the players are not dressed for the game]What the hell is going on? Why aren’t you all dressed?
Mikey: Some of us were talking coach, and we think Robbie should dress for the game.
[Robbie is sitting on the bench]Coach: [laughing] You hit your head to hard in practice son? Robbie’s on the practice squad. This is the playoffs. Roster’s set. Now get dressed.
Mikey: This is Robbie’s dream, coach. [Robbie is looking happy] I know there’s no room in the rosters, so I want Robbie to take my spot.
[Mikey hands over his jersey to the coach] [Alex walks up to Coach]Alex: Robbie can have my spot too, coach.
[Alex hands over his jersey to the coach too]Coach: This is what you want?
Alex: Yes, sir.
[Kyle hands over his jersey to the coach too]Kyle: Robbie deserves it, coach.
Coach: And what about you, Riley?
[Riley stands up]You want Robbie to take your spot?
Riley: [bleep] No! He [bleep] sucks at football. [Robbie is embarrassed] You guys want Robbie to play in a playoff game? That is crazy! We’re gonna [bleep] lose! He sucks ass! Have you seen him in practice?
[Cut to Robbie sucking at the practice games] [Cut back to the locker room]He is dog [shit]. I mean, [looking at Robbie] I’m sorry, Robbie, but you’re dog [bleep]. He’s dog [blee].
Mikey: Robbie’s got heart, Riley! [Robbie is looking happy again] It’s gotta count for something.
Riley: He’s [bleep] his pants in practice last week, Stevens. [Robbie is embarrassed] Again! I didn’t even want run at him and hit him this time. All I did was walk over to him and he crumpled into a little ball, he said, “No, no! Not again! It’s coming out. It’s coming.” I mean.
[Robbie had enough]Robby: You know what? Maybe you don’t believe in Riley.
Riley: I definitely don’t.
Robby: Okay! But, a friend told me something that made me believe in myself. Right, Mr. Philmore?
[Mr. Philmore is a janitor. He is shaking his head.] [Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past. Robby threw his helmet.]Mr. Philmore: Yo! What? You mad you didn’t make the team? Huh? Well, listen here. You’re five foot nothing. A hundred and nothing. But damn, if you don’t got passion.
[Cut back to the locker room]Robby: And he gave me the strength to keep going.
Mr. Philmore: Hold on, coz after that I said.
[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]Mr. Philmore: Unfortunately, passion don’t mean nothing in this level. This is D-1, son and you’re just too tiny. You’re gonna get your ass stocked. Pan-caked, son!
[Cut back to the locker room]Robby: Right! But you believed. And that’s what’s important.
Mr. Philmore: No, I’ma stop you right there. I said one more thing and it was…
[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]Mr. Philmore: And who keep letting you in my office? Stop coming back here, man! It’s weird. We ain’t friends.
[Cut back to the locker room]Mr. Philmore: That’s how that all went down.
Robby: Enough! Okay? Look, coach, you played here. Someone gave you a shot. That’s all I’m asking for. It’s a shot.
Riley: This is so [bleep] dumb! He doesn’t even know the plays, coach!
Robby: I know the playbook front to back. You call any play, I can run any route right now.
Coach: Alright, Robbie, if you get pass Riley, you can dress for the game.
Mikey: Go, Robbie!
[Robbie is happy and Riley can’t believe this.] [Robby and Riley get ready]Coach: Alright Robbie, let’s see what you got. Red 7, hud 7.
Robby: Different play, don’t know that one.
Coach: White right on 1!
Robby: Different play.
Coach: Jesus, Robbie. Blue 19 on 3.
Robby: Different play.
Coach: Slat 6 on 2.
Robby: Nope!
Mikey: I’m just gonna take my jersey back.
Coach: Red Devil, on 3.
Robby: Skip!
Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.
Robby: Got it! What was it though?
Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.
Robby: I got it, coach!
Coach: Hub, hub.
[Robby runs to Riley. Riley pushes Robby lightly and Robby gets slammed the lockers.]Mr. Philmore: Dumb ass!
[Riley walks to Robby]Riley: He’s alright. But I think he might have done another- you know. In his pants.
Robby: I almost did, but hailed it in.
Riley: No, he didn’t.
Coach: Well, that’s it. We got a football game to win, gentlemen!
[all the players cheer and follow the coach]