Tag: Mr. Reynolds

Deer

Mr. Reynolds… Kenan Thompson

Megan Thee Stallion

Molly Kearney

Devon Walker

James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Mr. Reynolds visiting his daughter’s country house. There’s Megan, Devon and their friends.]

Mr. Reynolds: My goodness, my goodness. I can’t believe my daughter lives in this beautiful house.

Molly: It really is so cozy.

Megan: Thanks everybody. I know it’s remote, but we love it.

Devon: And the schools are great, you know, if you decide to have kids one day.

Mr. Reynolds: One day? You need them now.

Megan: Dad Stop.

Mr. Reynolds: Well, I will not stop. I will never stop on that.

James: Well you guys, look out the window. There’s a deer in your woods.

Megan: Oh really? A deer? Where is it?

James: It’s right there by that pine tree.

[everybody goes to the window to have a look]

Molly: Oh, right. Cute.

Mr. Reynolds: Where is it? I don’t see it.

Devon:  It’s right by the pine tree, dad, look.

Megan: Awww. He a big one. Or is it a girl deer because it don’t have horns.

Mr. Reynolds: Where’s this deer you’re talking about?

Molly: It’s by the pine tree, Mr. Reynolds.

Mr. Reynolds: I know what it’s by. But where’s that?

Megan: It’s right there, dad. Do you see the two rocks?

Mr. Reynolds: I thought I was looking for a deer. Now I got to find rocks.

Molly: There’s two big round rocks, Mr. Reynolds.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay. Don’t yell at me. Just show me where the deer is that.

Megan: Do you see where I’m pointing?

Mr. Reynolds: Yes. At rocks.

Megan: Dad, bring your eyes by my hand and follow the arc of the point.

Mr. Reynolds: You know what? Nevermind. I don’t need to see it.

Megan: Dad just follow the arc of my point with your eyes to the deer.

Mr. Reynolds: I said it’s okay. I don’t really care.

Megan: But it’s right there. Just make your eyes go in line with the angle of my point.

Mr. Reynolds: [yelling] I said forget it. I don’t need to see no deer. Deers are boring anyway.

James: Oh my god. There’s a bunny riding on the back of the deer.

Mr. Reynolds: Oh now what? Where’s that happening now?

[There’s really a bunny on a deer’s back]

Devon: Aww, and the bunny has a tail.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay, and if I wanted to see that, where exactly would I look?

Devon: It’s walking straight towards us. See? Look.

Megan: Dad. Imagine a laser coming from my finger.

Mr. Reynolds: What?

Megan: Do you see the third clouds on the side of the sky?

Mr. Reynolds: The side of the sky?

James: It’s right there at 12 o’clock.

Mr. Reynolds: Was that east coast time or the west coast time?

Molly: There’s no difference.

Mr. Reynolds: Oh, just shut up.

Devon: The deers right there. You have to see it.

Mr. Reynolds:  Yeah, but I don’t and I don’t want to. Shoot. I think you’re making all this up.

Megan: Alright, daddy. It’s okay. Let’s just talk about something else.

James: Yeah, it’s not that great of a deer anyway.

Molly: Oh my god, it’s at the window, Mr. Reynolds. Look.

[It’s jus behind Mr. Reynolds, peeking in through the window.]

Mr. Reynolds: I will not. I have lost all interest in the deer.

Megan: But it’s right there waving at us.

[The deer is actually waving at them]

Mr. Reynolds: I don’t care is doing the Macarena.

James: For the love of God, just turn around and you’ll see it.

Mr. Reynolds: Okay fine. But it better be there.

[as Mr. Reynolds turns around, the deer ducks and hides]

You know, I’m gonna burn this whole house down.

Molly: It was right there. It just ducked down somewhere.

Mr. Reynolds: Yeah, y’all messing with me. Just like when you pulled my pants down at the Yankee game.

Devon: I didn’t pull your pants down. They were loose, they fell on their own.

Mr. Reynolds: Yeah, whatever. everybody always messing with me.

James: Oh my god.

[Megan looks around and jumps away being scared.]

Megan: Oh my god, daddy. The deer’s in the house.

[The deer is just behind the couch that Mr. Reynolds’s sitting on]

Mr. Reynolds: I don’t want to hear about no deer.

James: It’s right behind you.

Mr. Reynolds: Hue? Who is Hue?

Megan: Not Hue. You.

Mr. Reynolds: Will ya’ll please stop messing with me?

Molly: Mr. Reynolds, it’s got a knife.

Mr. Reynolds: What? [Mr. Reynolds looks around. The deer is really holding a knife. Mr. Reynolds being shocked, punches the deer down.]

Megan: Oh my god, daddy, you saved us.

Mr. Reynolds: That’s right. Pack your bags, girl. You move in back to the city. Out here fooling with these deers.

[sad music playing]

Megan: No. No, daddy. We love it out here. I know you worry about me but I promise we’re gonna be okay.

Mr. Reynolds: Well, you know I do worry. Maybe you right? Maybe my baby girl…

Molly: Oh my god. Mr. Reynolds, the deer is pulling down your pants.

Mr. Reynolds: Hey, get off my pants, you porno deer. What’s wrong with you? Everybody messing with me.

Za

Heidi Gardner

Mr. Reynolds… Pete Davidson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

James Franco

Delivery boy… Chris Redd

[Starts with Heidi asking questions to Mr. Reynolds in the court]

Heidi: Would you remind the jury again of the make and model of your car?

Mr. Reynolds: Um, yes. I drive a 93, Toyota Corolla.

Heidi: Which witnesses say was never at the scene of the crime. Thank you. No further questions you honor.

Judge: Alright. Very well.

James: Your honor, the prosecution would like to cross examine the witness.

Judge: Well, the floor is your’s, counselor.

James: Mr. Reynolds, would you please remind me one more time about your whereabouts on the night in question.

Mr. Reynolds: Sure. Like I already said, I was at Venny’s having two slices of Za.

James: Ah! That’s what I thought you said. Well, I find that really interesting because I happen to have a menu from Venny’s pizza pizzaria right here. Let’s see if we can find ourselves a couple of slices of Za. [James looks at the menu he has brought] Cheese pizza. Pepperoni pizza. Ham and pineapple pizza. And that’s all she wrote, your honor. I rest my case.

Judge: Counselors, approach the bench.

[Heidi and James walk to Judge]

What the hell is going on?

James: I caught him in a lie. He said he was having Za. But there was no la-ZA-nia (lasagna) on the menu.

Judge: Excuse me?

James: He said he was having Za. But the menu I just read had no la-ZA-nia on it.

Heidi: You now Za is slang for pizza, right?

James: False. It’s lasagna.

Heidi: Your honor. Clearly, my colleague is confused.

James: You don’t make nicknames based on how things are spelled. You make them on how they sound.

Heidi: Even if that was the case, it doesn’t apply here.

James: Your honor, may I elaborate?

Judge: I’ll allow it. But I hope you’re going somewhere with this, counselor. For your sake.

James: It’s la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. See? la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Sa, pizza. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. la-Za-nia. Za. Pizza. Sa. Mr. Williams, what were you eating?

Heidi: I object.

Judge: Overruled. Mr. Williams. Please answer the question.

Mr. Reynolds: Za.

James: Ah! When the young man says he was having Za, he is speaking of lasagna.

Heidi: This is preposterous.

James: It’s not preposterous. [James pulls out a huge board where he has explained the pronunciation of lasagna and pizza.] Look! It’s pizza. Suh. Lasagna. Za. Lasagna. Pizza. Suh.  Lasagna. Za. Za. That’s in lasagna. Not pizza. Because that would be “Suh.” Pizza.

Judge: Counselor, you are playing a dangerous game.

James: [yelling] Your honor, two girls are dead. [throws the board away aggressively] And I’ve pinned killer. This young man, Mr. Za, lasagna, za-nia, za, za, za. Pizza. Suh. Suh, your honor.

Heidi: Your honor. It is pizza, suh. And it is lasagna, za-nia, za. But that has nothing to do with this case.

[a pizza delivery guy enters the court]

Delivery boy: Excuse me. Excuse me. I got a large ‘Suh’ here for Mr. Williams. That’s one large ‘Suh!’

Mr. Reynolds: Oh, right here, dude.

[the crowd goes “Ahh!”]

James: There it is!

Mr. Reynolds: Alright. I admit it. I ordered the ‘Suh’.

James: I knew it. Lasagna, za. Your honor, I re-rest my case.

Judge: Well, in light of these developments, I have found the defendant guilty.

James: And I guess I don’t need this picture of you at the scene of the crime. [James shows a picture of Mr. Reynolds committing the crime]

Heidi: Okay. You had that the whole time?

James: Yeah. I needed some real evidence. I can’t really bank on that Za thing.