Mrs. Claus & The Elves

Mrs. Claus… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Casey Affleck

[Starts with a book ‘Mrs. claus and the Christmas Feast’ opening]

Male voice: As Santa traveled the world delivering toys to good children everywhere, Mrs. Claus was back at North Pole preparing a surprise feast for his return.

[Cut to Mrs. Claus entering the kitchen]

Mrs. Claus: Oh my goodness, it’s almost day break. Where are those elves? They promised to put the Christmas quiche in the oven and it sits here completely raw.

[blowing whistle] [three elves appear]

Elves: When you whistle we appear, your three most loyal elves are here.

Kenan: What’s up, Mrs. C?

Mrs. Claus: What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. Santa is going to return any moment hungry as a polar bear. Why is this quiche uncooked?

Vanessa: Oh, no, we really let you down.

Kenan: Yeah. You gave us one job and we biffed it.

Casey: We biffed it big time. You must be in a white hot rage right now.

Kenan: Yeah, I guess the only thing left to do now is punish us? [the three elves smile]

Mrs. Claus: Punish you? Don’t be silly. What do you mean?

Vanessa: How will we learn unless you punish us?

Kenan: And our little bodies.

Casey: Yeah. Our smooth little bodies.

Vanessa: Yeah. We need to be taught a lesson.

Mrs. Claus: Stop acting so silly. Now, when you hear this little oven timer dingle, dignle, dingle, just turn off the oven. Now, please stay alert.

Vanessa: You’ve got it, Mrs. C.

[The timer goes off] [Mrs. Claus walks in the kitchen. The three elves are sitting on the table.]

Mrs. Claus: Good gouda! This quiche is burned to krampus! Elves, didn’t you hear the timer go off?

Vanessa: Oh-oh! Now, Santa’s meal is garbage all because of us.

Kenan: You must be really angry. Time for our punishment.

Mrs. Claus: Honestly, I am a bit angry.

Casey: Oh, why don’t you funnel that anger right into our butts?

Mrs. Claus: What?

Kenan: Yeah. Grab us by our little elf ankles and just go nuts on our tender little booby butts.

Vanessa: Don’t worry. He won’t make any noise.

Mrs. Claus: Elves, get serious. I can’t take much more of this.

Vanessa: I know. You’re miffed. That’s why you’ve got to teach us a good lesson.

Kenan: Yeah. Send us to bed without any dinner or pants.

Vanessa: Then our tiny privates will be out for all to see.

Casey: Oh, no. Not our stinky little privates.

Mrs. Claus: Oh, boy! I guess I’ll have to make a brunch salad.

Kenan: I’ll toss your salad for you.

Casey: Oh, oh! Mrs. Claus, what’s this?

Kenan: Oh, it’s a little Hershey’s Kiss. If you put this in a wrong way, it might never come out.

Vanessa: But it sure would teach us a lesson.

Casey: Either way, I guess we should just try it.

[Casey leans down and Kenan points the chocolate’s point toward’s Casey’s butt]

Mrs. Claus: Oh, heavens! I don’t understand a word you silly elves are saying.

Casey: Oh, don’t get so P.O.’d.

Vanessa: Try getting pee on us.

Kenan: I’ll start putting towels down.

Mrs. Claus: Alright, you’re in trouble now. Santa’s here and I’m gonna let him deal with you.

Elves: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Finally!

Vanessa: Big bossy daddy with snow on top coming to take care of business.

Casey: Yeah. He’s back to rule the north hole. I mean pole- hole.

Kenan: Oh! I heard what you said. You said hole. We’re so bad. Punish us.

Mrs. Claus: Good god!

[Santa walks in]

Santa: Ho-ho0ho! I have returned.

Elves: Hi, Santa.

Kenan: We’ve been helping Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Well, that’s not true. They have been taunting me all morning.

Santa: Well, how about I taunt you all afternoon?

Mrs. Claus: Oh, my! The salad can wait.

Santa: Um-hmm.

Kenan: Wait, let us watch.

Vanessa: Don’t go! We want to see it.

Kenan: Wait, where did the Hershey’s kiss go?

Casey: Oh, don’t worry about it.

[The End]