Steven… Mikey Day
Melissa Villaseñor
Elf… Kyle Mooney
Santa…Jason Bateman
Mrs. Clause… Cecily Strong
[Starts with a couple with their daughter in a mall]Steven: You know, I was nervous about coming indoors with all these strangers, but the mall really is the most magical place at Christmas.
Melissa: It’s only place to see Santa and hot topic.
Steven: And I’m just so impressed with all the safety protocols they haven’t placed, right?
Melissa: Wait, what is that?
[a robot with a tablet on his face comes in. The tablet is displaying a video of a person speaking live with them.]Elf: It’s me, jingle bells, the virtual contactless elf. Welcome to Santa’s social distancing Santa’s village. Are you ready to meet Santa?
[Daughter nods her head yes]Melissa: More than ready. Are you sure it’s safe though?
Elf: Safe as it could be. Just stick your hands to my tummy and get some hand sanitizer real quick.
Steven: Ew, why is it in his tummy?
Melissa: Steven, just enjoy the magic of Christmas and stick your hand in the Elf’s tummy and get your hand sanitizer. Okay.
[Steven and Melissa get their hand sanitizer from elf’s tummy.]Elf: And now the moment you’ve been waiting for. Presenting the king and queen of Christmas. Santa and Mrs. Clause.
[The curtains open. There are Santa and Mrs. Clause inside a plastic ball.]Santa: Ho, ho, ho. It’s a covid friendly Christmas.
Mrs. Caluse: That’s right. Normally, you’d be sitting on Santa’s lap. And I’d be giving you one of these delicious cupcakes
Santa: But that’s just not safe this year. So, we’re coming to you from inside our magic snow globes.
Mrs. Caluse: That way, we can spread the magic of Christmas without spreading that other thing.
Santa: So, step right up here and give Santa a nice big high-five right through the bubble here.
[Santa falls and rolls inside the ball]Mrs. Caluse: John! I mean, Santa! Are you okay?
Santa: Off the base, baby!
Mrs. Caluse: Are you okay, John?
Santa: Do I look okay? I’m loose. You’re supposed to secure the base.
Mrs. Caluse: I thought you meant that like, a political thing.
Santa: Why would I think that?
Mrs. Caluse: Politics season. I don’t know, John.
Daughter: Is Santa okay?
Melissa: I’m not sure, sweetie.
Steven: And who’s John?
Mrs. Caluse: Oh, that’s just Mrs. Clause’s nick name for her clumsy husband. You know, why don’t you come here and give me the high-five?
[Mrs. Caluse falls and rolls inside the ball]Santa: What happened?
Mrs. Caluse: Oh, no! Oh, no!
Santa: Patrice?
Melissa: Patrice… I’m sorry. Does Mrs. Clause need help?
Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I was just so excited to eat my cupcakes, I forgot to use my hand, and I smashed them directly in my face.
Santa: Yes, yes. Everything is okay! This is what we wanted to do. Exactly where I wanted my acting career, Patrice.
Mrs. Caluse: John, stop. No, no. Now, little girl, why don’t you come tell Santa what you want for Christmas?
Steven: Yeah. I’m not sending my child up there while you’re loose like that.
Santa: Then I will come to you, sir. Santa has got it now. They’re just steps.
Steven: No, no, no.
[Santa falls and rolls to them.]Santa: Son of a–
Melissa: Can you call for help, Jingle Bells?
Elf: Well, I’m using my phone to do this elf thing with you. She’ll be fine.
Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I don’t know if I am fine. I think that cupcake plugged my hole. I can’t feel my hole.
Santa: Somebody please clear Patricia’s hole. Somebody with little fingers please. You, sir.
Steven: No, I don’t want to clear your wife’s hole. I’m sorry.
Daughter: Is Santa and his wife going to be okay?
Santa: No, no. She’s not my wife.
Mrs. Caluse: Yeah. No, we’re recently separated. I mean, we live together but it’s complicated.
Steven: Hey! Out daughter doesn’t need to hear any of that.
Melissa: And I think you hit your nose or something because you’re bleeding from it.
[Santa’s nose is bloody]Santa: Oh, dammit. Are you for real? One week after my nose job. Patrice, this is unbelievable. Complete waste of money.
Mrs. Caluse: John, your beautiful face.
Santa: You still think I look beautiful?
Mrs. Caluse: Yeah, I do.
Santa: Bless you.
Melissa: You know what? Maybe we should just go. Our daughter already left.
Steven: She did? Where is she?
Elf: She can be anywhere. It’s a big mall. But you paid for a picture. You still want it?
Melissa: Yeah.
Steven: I mean, with John and Patrice? I guess so.
Elf: Okay, get in front of their balls and say Merry Christmas.
Santa: Wonderful. Wonderful. Please. Get close. Don’t be frightened.
Everything is under control. Put your arm around me darling. Don’t push on me. Don’t push on me.
[Santa rolls over Melissa.]