Three’s A Crime

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Kara Torkelson… Ronda Rousey

Gaven Deli… Pete Davidson

Mrs. Deli… Kate McKinnon

Defense attorney… Taran Killam

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’re watching HLN, Headline News. Headline counts for two letters.

We now return to HLN’s coverage of Three’s A Crime: The Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson Civil Trial.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Bill: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott live at the Palo Alto Courthouse where another scandal has rocked this city schools.

Paula: High school teacher [Cut to Janet and Kara sitting in the court] Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson are accused of having an inappropriate group physical encounter with their student Mr. Deli [Cut to Gaven]who is just 16 at the time.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Bill: Deli’s mother is suing the defendants for emotional trauma inflicted upon her son.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Testimonies continues as Gaven Deli will be question by the defense.

[Cut to the courtroom]

Defense attorney: Now, Mr. Deli, can you point out your former teachers to the court?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. They’re right there, giving me butterflies.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Kara: Oh, my god.

Janet: So cheesy.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling] Monsters!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Ay, wait! Mrs. Deli, please try and control yourself. Continue counsel.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, do you recall the events of October 3rd, twothousandforteen? The day of the encounter?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, very clearly. I replay it like a movie in my head every single day.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Now your honor, I would like to present exhibit 7-A, a text conversation taken from Mr. Deli’s phone. [The TV is showing a text message from Ms. Luna] The defendant Ms. Luna texts, “I’m with Ms. Torkelson! Come over for some private tutoring”, winking emoji face. Can you describe your response Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. Um, I responded with a GIF of a cartoon bird exiting frame so fast that his feathers fly off to imply that I was happy and on my way as quickly as possible.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes, you certainly were to illustrate Mr. Deli’s attitude. I’d like to show traffic camera footage of Mr. Deli’s car the moment he received Ms. Luna’s text.

[Cut to a video clip of a car recklessly driving.]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Was that you driving Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven and Judge]

Gaven: Yes, that was the second coolest thing I did that day.

Judge: [looking proud] Second coolest, I see what you did there.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Gaven: And what happened when you arrived at Ms. Luna’s house.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I ran to the front door saying, “Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!”

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: I see. And when did things turn sexual between the three of you?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: After I walked in, I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself at the mirror and I said, “Your live begins today.” And then I came out and we got down.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And how long would you say the encounter lasted?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, about five hours.

[Cut to Judge looking shocked]

Judge: Oh, I remember those days.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, what happened when you left Ms. Luna’s house?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: I walked to the car with my arms out, kind of like, spinning in circles like a Disney princess. Like, mid song.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: Oh, my god!
Kara: So corny.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And in the days following, how did your classmates learn about what had happened?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I believe from me telling the story to anyone who would listen.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And were you ostracized in school because of this?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, no. I felt more like Forest Gump when he was running across America and people started following him because he represents hope.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yet your mother claims your peers called you names.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. Kids called me “The chosen one”, “King of everything”, “The Revenant”, “Three’s humpany”, “Diary of a pimpy kid”, “Velociraptor”, and “My man” but like Denzel Washington says it.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Um, I’m sorry. “My man” the way Denzel Washington–

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Wait, wait. Let the record show the witness means, [saying it the proud way] “My man!”

[Judge claps and shakes hands with Gaven]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes. And did this affect your relationship with your family at all?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. My grandpa and dad were estranged. This event brought them back together.

[Cut to Gaven’s dad and grandpa sitting in the court looking proud of him.]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: To illustrate Mr. Deli’s mental state in the days following here is a vine he posted the morning after the encounter.

[Cut to Gaven’s vine video. He is dancing willy and happily.]

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: I can’t with this kid.

Kara: What a dork.

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Alright, you know what? We’ll take a short recess and then we’ll resume testimony from My Man!

[Gaven and Judge high fives]

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Wow, absolutely riveting testimony.

Bill: I know, that kid rules. At 16, I was still all about playing with legos. More after this.

[Cut to HLN outro]

[The End]