Crystal Patrick… Kyle Mooney
Andy Rydell… Beck Bennett
Mrs. Freeman… Cameron Diaz[Starts with Crystal Patrick]
Crystal Patrick: YWhat’s up everybody? I’m Crystal Patrick. As you know, Andy Rydell’s been messing with me since the 9th grade. But now he’s about to enter an unsafe zone. Coz I’m gonna take matters in my own hands. And we’ll see if he can handle it. Coz it’s the hands of rocket’s cradle. I’m gonna fight him.[Cut to I’m going to fight Andy Rydell intro]
Andy Rydell is 17. He wears name brand circus clothes. His younger brother Jordan is nicer and plays piano. Last year Andy told everyone to start calling me ‘Milkman’ and that I drank out of the same bown as my German Shepherd, Sammy. I want to open up my own restaurant where they actually have good-ass posters on the wall like 50’s gangsters.[Cut to Crystal Patrick walking in the corridor]
What up, Andy? Let’s do this, bitch.[Crystal Patrick reaches to Andy Rydell. Andy Rydell turns around.]
Andy Rydell: What the hell you talking about?
Crystal Patrick: So you talking crap, think you’re better than me. You’re not better than me. You’re just [looking at the camera] I love America, toy soldier, being controlled by the mainstream.
Andy Rydell: [bleep], huh?
Crystal Patrick: You heard me, let’s go.
Andy Rydell: Oh, you wanna go?
Crystal Patrick: Yeah, bitch!
Andy Rydell: Alright, come on let’s go then.
Crystal Patrick: I’m going right now.
Andy Rydell: I don’t see it, man.
Crystal Patrick: You ready?
Andy Rydell: Come on, bring it.
Crystal Patrick: You ready?[The video pauses and Crystal Patrick is narrating]
Narration: What you can’t see here is how scared Andy was. He kept whispering: “Please don’t embarrass me in front of the entire school. I’m just a pawn of conformity and you listen to the best music.”[Cut to the video. Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell are punching in the air and not hitting each other at all.]
Crystal Patrick: Oh yeah!
Andy Rydell: Yeah, dude?
Crystal Patrick: You came to play, huh? You came to play![They start punching in the air again.]
You like that? Hey! I can’t breathe. Hang on. [bleep]
Andy Rydell: What the hell?
Crystal Patrick: Hang on! I can’t breathe.
Andy Rydell: What the hell you talking about? You can’t– you’re just scared dude.
Crystal Patrick: My heart problem.
Andy Rydell: You’re just scared, dude!
Crystal Patrick: I got heart problem.
Narration: My family has a history of heart problems. I don’t know that cuz of mommy and daddy though, I don’t even talk to them. I know that cuz my grandparents.
Crystal Patrick: Can’t breathe right now.[Crystal Patrick suddenly jumps and tries to kick Andy Rydell] [Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell are wrestling on the floor.] [Mrs. Freeman walks in]
Mrs. Freeman: Go back to class, right now. Everybody. Boys! In my office, right now.[Cut to Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell in Mrs. Freeman’s office. Andy Rydell is crying.]
Narration: Mrs. Freeman came down on us pretty hard. I felt bad for Andy here. He clearly has been brainwashed by corporate drones.[Cut to Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell hugging. They are crying.]
Crystal Patrick: We should do pill sometime together.
Andy Rydell: Yeah.[school bell rings] [Cut to Crystal Patrick smoking in the men’s room. There’s someone using the urinal.]
Crystal Patrick: There you have it. I kicked Andy Rydell’s ass and made him cry like a little bitch. [To the person using the urinal.] What are you looking at?