Weekend Update Mrs. Sartini

Colin Jost

Mrs. Santini… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, 33% of homeowners don’t like their neighbors. Here with her tips on how to deal with difficult neighbors is a woman who lives in my building, Mrs. Santini.

[Mrs. Santini slides in] [cheers and applause]

Mrs. Santini: Thank you. Thank you, Colin. I like this chair. I will take this chair.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah, you can’t do that.

Mrs. Santini: Okay, I won’t. [Mrs. Santini winks]

Colin Jost: Mrs. Santini, what would you say is your number one tip for dealing with annoying neighbors?

[Cut to Mrs. Santini]

Mrs. Santini: Okay, the best thing to do is to write a nice little note. Here is a sample of a very nice note. [Mrs. Santini takes a red paper out.] This one, I left for the family upstairs.

[Mrs. Santini reading the note] Dear elephant family in 6H. I am so sorry you is elephants. And every step you take ruin my life. Maybe floor of your apartment is a wack a mole machine and you go boom-boom-boom. Maybe you have a Jumanji in your apartment every night. Either way, this is very sad for you. So please, keep on breaking my ears and wreck my days and nights and my small business. Frida Santini, 5H.

[Mrs. Santini folds the paper and puts it away.] [Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What is your small business?

Mrs. Santini: I make animal skeletons.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you make them? Out of what?

[Cut to Mrs. Santini]

Mrs. Santini: Animals.

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

You know when Dunkin Donuts at the end of the day throws out all the leftovers. That office is the same.

Colin Jost: Okay, Mrs. Santini. Any other tips for dealing with neighbors?

Mrs. Santini: Yes, okay. [Cut to Mrs. Santini] My next door neighbors, they cook every night but they make big smell. It smells like when you earring hole is infected and wipe it and you go [smells the infection] . So, I write them a sweet note. [Mrs. Santini opens another paper] Dear Mario Batali of hot garbage. I am so sorry for all pots and pans are diapers and your favorite spice is a dookie. It’s so sad for you that every rat in the world come to die in your wall. So, don’t worry. Destroy my final days. It’s okay. Frida Santini, 5H.

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Frida, are these really your final days?

Mrs. Santini: For a Hulu+, yes. My free trial is.

Colin Jost: Mrs. Santini, everyone.

Mrs. Santini: 5H. 5H.