Kyler… Andrew Dismukes
Ms. Williams… Ego Nwodim
Principal… Kristen Wiig
[Starts with a video clips from a school show]
Male voice: The most stirring show of 2020 about an elicit affair between teacher and student. And now, a sneak preview of season two of “A Teacher.”
[The class is over. Kyler walks to the teacher.]
Kyler: Hey, I know that the class is over but I wanted to talk to you alone. I’m struggling and need extra help to go to college and I can’t stop thinking about you, Ms. Williams. Or should I call you Nicole?
Ms. Williams: What are you talking about?
Kyler: I wanted to just spend some extra time together.
Ms. Williams: You think you cute?
Kyler: Well, I’m more mature than the other kids.
Ms. Williams: Excuse me, young man. Did you think we were going to [bleep]?
Kyler: I mean, I don’t know.
Ms. Williams: You’re pulling a C- in my class. That’s not hot for me. You can barely read.
Kyler: I thought maybe we could– [Ms. Williams raises her eyebrows] Never mind.
Ms. Williams: No, no. I want you to go ahead and walk me through it. You invite me to your… what? We hook up in the back seat of your bike?
Kyler: Or we could go to your car.
Ms. Williams: No. We’re not doing it in my car. My car is new.
Kyler: That’s cool.
Ms. Williams: You think I have enough money to throw this job away for your limp ass little leaner that can do nothing for me? What did you think this was?
Kyler: You were giving me help with the SATs. I thought it was special.
Ms. Williams: Oh, you thought I wanted to have sex with someone who can’t do the SATs? You keep circling the bubble instead of filling it in. You think that’s sexy?
Kyler: A little.
Ms. Williams: You know what? Let me enjoy my lunch break.
Kyler: Ms. Williams. I can’t stop thinking about you.
Ms. Williams: Why? I stop thinking about ya’ll the minute you talk out of this classroom.
Kyler: See? You’re so confident.
Ms. Williams: Yeah, I’ve got that swagger that you have when you’re not a pedophile. Don’t see a lot of confident pedophiles, do you? That swagger when you have a healthcare and a parking spot. God, I hate kids.
Kyler: You don’t understand. I love your class.
Ms. Williams: Name one president.
Kyler: Huckleberry?
Ms. Williams: Oh my god!
Kyler: Kermit?
[Principal walking in the hallway finds them in class.]
Principal: Ms. Williams, what’s going on in here? Are you having an inappropriate relationship with this student?
Ms. Williams: No, principal Miller. God, no.
Principal: Because he’s my boyfriend and we’re in love.
Ms. Williams: Oh my god! Are women still doing this?
Principal: They are. I am.
Ms. Williams: So, how are you the principal?
Principal: Well, that’s a good question. You see, I used to be a prison guard who let prisoners out because I loved them and now I work here.
Ms. Williams: Okay, this is ridiculous. Will someone say “kidding” so I don’t have to do no paperwork?
[Principal’s phone beeps. She looks at the phone and finds out that it’s Kyler’s birthday.]
Principal: Kyler, it’s your 18th birthday today. We can finally be together.
Kyler: Na, this just isn’t hot for me anymore.
Principal: Right. Me neither. Ha-ha.
[bell ringing]
Ms. Williams: There goes my lunch break.
Male voice: “A Teacher”, haven’t we learned?