Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a newspaper article with the headline Mueller Report- No Collusion’ at left top corner of the screen] Well, this week made me feel insane. All the people I was told were bad guys all got away with it. Donald Trump, Jussie Smollett, and worst of all, Duke. [The picture changes to Donald Trump] The big story, of course, was the white O.J. was not indicted for collusion and that Robert Mueller did not reach a conclusion about the whether Trump obstructed justice. Or, as it was reported on Fox News– [Cut to different video clips of Fox News anchors laughing].
[Cut to Colin Jost]
I haven’t seen Fox News anchors smile like that since I.C.E agents pulled into a home depot parking lot. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] So Trump found out he’s not getting indicted in the Russia investigation. And I’m sure that he was grateful that it’s was all over, and he’s just ready to move on.
[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: All of the democrat politicians, they have to be accountable. [Crowd cheering “Lock them Up”]
[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Wow, it’s like if Srooge woke up on Christmas morning, discovered he had a second chance at life, then found tiny Tim and took a crowbar to his good leg.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller and Donald Trump at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: Oh, man, I can’t believe I actually thought for a second that the FBI was going to lock up the sitting president of the United States simply because he was guilty. I think it’s because I’m around white people all the time and white people have this thing I call toxic optimism. It’s the kind of optimism that makes you believe you can get into college because of your mother is [Picture changes to Lori Loughlin] Aunt Becky. I’m sure [Picture changes to Aunt Viv] Aunt Viv’s kids don’t have that much optimism. Black people are just not that optimistic. I said the phrase checks and balances to a black lady, and she rolled her eyes at me for so long, I thought she fell asleep.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bannon at left top corner of the screen.]
Colin Jost: And now that with the Russia probe is over, former white house adviser and the ghost of Russell Crow, Steve Bannon, believes that President Trump will “Come off the chains and go full animal”. And maybe that’s what [Picture changes to Donald Trump] he was doing this week’s rally in Michigan. Let’s take a look.
[Cut to video clips of Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: The collusion delusion is over. Little pencil-neck Adam Schiff. They came from the valleys. They came from the mountains. They came out of the damn rivers. I have a better education than them. I’m smarter than them. And I’m President and they’re not. I support the great lakes. Always have. They’re beautiful. They’re big, very deep. Record deepness, right?
[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: He’s back be, baby! I guess he has gone full animal in the sense those aren’t human sentences. And by the way, he’s absolutely crushing with that crowd. And you know they must really love him, because they sat through this opening act.
[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump Jr.’s speech]
Donald Trump Jr.: And for this week and this week alone, Maga stands for something a little different. Michael Avenatti got arrested! Maga!
[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Sucks! Imagine being a hard-working Midwest Trump supporter and having to listen to a richie-rich read you his bad tweets for 20 minutes. It’s like paying to see [Picture changes to Metallica poster] Metallica, but first you got to listen to some poems by their kids.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and country flags of the US nadMexico at right top corner of the screen.]
Michael Che: On Friday, President Trump threatened to close the border with Mexico next week saying that, ‘We have run out of space to hold migrants”. Okay, but hear me out, [Picture changes to Wyoming] Wyoming. How can America run out of space? We still got two Dakotas. Most countries don’t even have one.