Rolf… John Mulaney
Liesl… Cecily Strong
[Starts with show schedule]
This is Turner Classic Movies. Up next it’s “Fiddler On The Roof For Wasps, The Sound Of Music.”
[Cut to Rolf standing alone in a room. Liesl runs in.]
Liesl: Oh Rolf, you waited.
Rolf: Oh Liesl, I was beginning to think you wouldn’t come.
Liesl: Sorry I’m late. The captain made me sing in a night gown in front of all his friends.
Rolf: The captain’s your dad, right? Yes, and I’m worried about him. Papa says I’m too young to be in love but I think I love you.
[music playing] [singing] I am 16, going on 17
I know that naive
fellows who meet me tell me I’m sweet
and willingly I believe
Rolf: That’s true.
Liesl: You are 17, going on 18
Rolf: Actually I’m 33
Liesl: Wait, what?
Rolf: I know I look young and I said I’m young
But I lied, I’m 33
Liesl: You’re 33? But, you ride a bicycle.
Rolf: Oh, that’s because I’m very poor, darling.
Liesl: And you live with your mother.
Rolf: Wow, she’s got a list. Look, you’re only as old as you feel. Liesl, do you know what statutory means?
Rolf: It means I looked it up and we’re on the right side of the cusp.
Liesl: I don’t know, Rolf. It’s a pretty big age difference. And I don’t want to say this but there’s rumors that you’re maybe a Nazi maybe.
Rolf: Focus on the age stuff.
Liesl: Well, I don’t know if I can trust you.
Rolf: [singing] Don’t be dramatic it’s not a great look
trust me I know what guys like
Liesl: But I am 16
Rolf: And I am 38
I’ve had some birthdays since we started talking
Liesl: 38? But you said 33.
Rolf: Oh, let me explain.
[singing] I am 33, next month I’ll be 39
baby I’m 41
Rolf: Liesl? I know you’re freaked out but this is Austria, 1930-bad. In a few months, this will be the least of your worries.
Liesl: You keep saying stuff like that.
Rolf: Can I help it that I’m attracted to you? You’re so mature and sophisticated.
Liesl: Really? You think I seem older?
Rolf: Yes. What? With the complaining and those hefty naturals? Honestly, when I first came to the house, I thought you were the mom.
Liesl: Oh, I don’t know. You’re a geriatric telegram boy. And I’m rich and good with puppets. So you do the math.
Rolf: I know I’m not perfect. But I’ve talked to mother and I’m moving out.
Liesl: Really? You bought a house?
Rolf: No. I rented. With roommates.
[singing] Ricks and Hans and Kevin and Girble
and four other guys named Hans
Liesl: That’s a lot of Nazis. But I still don’t know how I feel about dating an older guy.
Rolf: Oh, Rolf. Age is just a number that the government keeps track of. For example,
[singing] I am 46
Liesl: That’s older than my father
Rolf: Damn how sexy is that?
Liesl: I do like attention and not to mention
my brain’s not totally formed
Rolf: Oh, Liesl. I like that so much.
[a man and a woman walk in with two other guards.]
Woman: That’s him.
Man: Stop it at once!
Rolf: Oh, hello Gaylord.
Man: Oh, shut up.
Rolf: But that’s your name, isn’t it? Gaylord Vantrap.
Man: Yes. But you know what you’re doing.
Woman: Oh, just arrest the pervert.
Man: Hey, how old are you by the way?
Woman: [singing] I’m old enough but it’s still kind of dicey
Man: Lehi-ho lehi-ho lehi-um-hmm.