Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Elon Must and Twitter logo at left top corner.]
This week, Elon Musk officially bought Twitter for $44 billion, beating out the next highest offer of $0. Musk sent an open letter to advertisers saying that he doesn’t want Twitter to become a free for all hellscape because that’s his plan for Mars. I honestly don’t understand why people are so worried that Elon is going to ruin Twitter as if it’s this beloved American institution. It’s not like he bought Disney World. It’s like he bought the rest of Orlando.
Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Herschel Walker denied allegations from a second woman that he pushed her to have an abortion saying “I’m done with this foolishness,” which is also what Walker says when he takes off the condom. The woman claims that Walker drove her to an abortion clinic then waited in the parking lot for hours until she had the procedure. Not only that. While he was in the parking lot, he got two more women pregnant.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Fetterman and Dr. Oz at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: John Fetterman, who is still recovering from a stroke, and Dr. Mehmet Oz met for their only debate before the midterms. And just like in his puppy experiments, Dr. Oz showed no mercy. Fetterman began his opening statement by saying “Good night everybody.” It was a bizarre baffling comment that debate watchers called his high point. Regardless of your politics, it’s never a great sign when most of the post debate commentary is from brain doctors. I really don’t understand why Fetterman was allowed to do this debate. Who’s his campaign manager? The Miami Dolphins concussion doctor? Also, it’s not Dr. Oz did great. He just did slightly better than a recent stroke victim. At one point, he said the decision to have abortion should include local political leaders, which sounds like a perfect way to get an abortion five years late and 60 million over budget.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Pelosi’s husband is gravely injured in hammer attack by an intruder” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Things are definitely getting way out of hand in this country because when I heard that a guy barged into a house with a hammer looking for Nancy Pelosi, my first thought was “Oh no, was it Kanye?” Kanye West has now been dropped by Adidas, the Gap, Balenciaga and all Bar Mitzvah playlists. In the wake of Kanye’s anti semitic comments, Adidas said it will stop making Yeezy shoes. Fans of Yeezy say it’s the worst thing that happened to them since any puddle. Kanye was also probably closed Donda Academy which is a private school that forces parents to sign non disclosure agreements. “Wait we can do NDAs?” said Catholic school priests.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kanye West at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Is it just me or did half the companies that dropped Kanye sound fake? I saw the headline “TJ Maxx cuts ties with Kanye.” I was like, “Did Kanye know he worked for TJ Maxx?” Also, unless we already associated you with Kanye, you didn’t have to announce you’re cutting ties. We didn’t need Peloton to announce, “We’re no longer playing Kanye’s music.” Thanks, peloton. Now we can rest easy knowing we won’t hear gold digger while we have a heart attack on your bike. At some point I actually started getting excited about who is going to announce next? Dippin Dots will no longer work with— Scrub Daddy is cutting ties— TCBY will discontinue their watch the cone menu featuring the hit flavor nougats and pretzels. The craziest one, which is somehow real, somehow real is that Goodwill dropped Kanye. They will no longer accept donations of Kanye’s clothing. Which is ironic because Kanye has lost enough money that he might need them.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rishi Sunak at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Rishi Sunak will become Great Britain’s first ever Prime Minister of Indian descent. Said his mom, “Okay, why not King?”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: During a White House ceremony, President Biden wished Kamala Harris a happy birthday, then accidentally called her a great president. Even worse, he was talking to a portrait of Michelle Obama.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The Postal Service announced a new stamp honoring the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. There’s also a stamp honoring Clarence Thomas that says “Flip me over and start licking.”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of mathematical problem at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new study finds that during the pandemic, students math scores dropped by almost Colin Jost0%. Wow, so more than half!
The world’s largest timber tower and suspension bridge has opened in Michigan. “For now,” said beavers.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Hijacked bus crashes into pole.”]
Michael Che: Police in Queens were searching for a suspect who hijacked a bus and then immediately crashed it into a utility pole. Okay, so we know it’s a woman.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Virgin Australia logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Virgin Australia is trying to get people to choose the middle seat by enrolling everyone who sits in those seats a chance to win over 200,000 in prizes. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines is offering a free bag of carrots if you sit in the bathroom.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Training dogs to detect semen” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Police in England are now using specially trained dogs to detect semen at crime scenes. This replaces the old method of detecting semen, slipping on it.