Woman: Look Mike, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I realized I spent years trying to fix this. To fix us. And the truth is, I don’t love you anymore. I want to but I can’t. Don’t you have anything to say?
Mike: Yeah. I’ve got something to say. [Cut to Mike, he’s a ninja turtle at his middle age.] If you think you’re getting the kids, you [bleep] crazy!
[Cut to Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles intro]Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
all of them are just in Under Armour [The ninja turtles are wearing Under Armour sports t-shirts.]
They came from mutant gins a secret booze
now they do their shopping at Whole Foods
they used to be so cool
now they drive their spoiled kids to school
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
and all of them are slower now, turtle power
Don: Hello.
Female voice: Hi, Don. This is Dr. Fersunberg.
Don: Oh, hey.
Female voice: Is this a good time to talk?
Don: Uh-huh.
Female voice: Now, if you know, we found a suspicious lump on your spine.
Don: Uh-huh.
[Don’s heartbeat is racing.]Female voice: So, yeah, we got your test results back.
Don: Uh-okay.
Female voice: Well, I’m looking at the report right now. And as it turns out it was just a benign cyst.
[Don’s relieved.]Don: Oh. Okay. Great. Thanks.
Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Raph: Hey, did you hear about Shredder?
Leo: No. What happened?
Raph: He die.
Leo: Wow. Seriously?
Raph: Yeah. You think we should go to the funeral?
Leo: No. No. Maybe the wake but definitely not the service.
Raph: Yeah. Hey man, [hesitating to speak] can I borrow some money?
Leo: Again? Come on, Raph.
Raph: [crying] God I got to stop betting on golf. I don’t even watch it.
Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
their best days are way behind them