Weekend Update- Cleveland Indians Name Change and Tom Cruise Covid Rant

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a logo of Cleveland Indians at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the Cleveland Indians have decided to remove the term ‘Indian’ from their team name. Yes, it’s nice. Yet, somehow we’re cool calling the only black people in Utah, the Jazz.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of MacKenzie Scott at right top corner.]

Michael Che: MacKenzie Scott, Jeff Bezos ex wife has given away more than $4 billion to pandemic relief organizations. Not to be outdone, Jeff Bezos has offered Amazon workers free Gatorade bottles for bathroom breaks.

[Picture changes to Andrew Cuomo]

A former advisor to New York governor Andrew Cuomo has accused him of sexually her for years making him the odds-on favorite for the 2024 nomination. You’re not going to like the rest of these. Cuomo denies the allegations claiming that he would never be inappropriate to any broad with frickin dynamite baazoombas.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a car covered with snow at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in New York state was trapped inside his car for 10 hours over night when a plow covered his car in four feet of snow. Even more amazing, his wife believed that story.

What’s My Name?

Rob Mooney

[Starts with a bunch of guys in a house party]

Man: I need another drink.

Man: Yeah, me too. Let’s get one.

[Cut to Rob in the kitchen]

Man: Just be yourself. That’s the way I’ve always felt.

Man: I’d love for you to come over sometime and I’d love to cook for you.

[Cut to Rob knocking a door]

Male voice: Somebody’s in here.

Rob: Okay.

[Rob walks pass the hallway. He runs into Tommy.]

RobTommy: Hey, Rob. What’s going on, man?

Rob: Oh, hey, man. Um, not much.

RobTommy: Wait. Do you not remember me? We met a bunch of times.

Rob: No, no. I know. Um, how’s it hanging?

RobTommy: You seriously don’t recognize me.

Rob: No, I do.

RobTommy: What’s my name?

Rob: What?

RobTommy: What’s my name?

[Cut to the music video of Rob]

Rob: [singing] Why is this happening to me
supposed to be a friendly party
and now I’m forced to search my brain
why would he ask to say his name?

How’s he so bold and confident
this is not how you make a friend
I’m looking at him for some kind of hint
maybe he’ll reintroduce himself again

But that’s not this guy, he’s gonna teach me a lesson
it’s fun to make me feel so small
he firmly believes he made a big impression
and his face is known by all

Yeah, you put me on the spot, you put me on the spot
and that stinks, it really stinks that you did that
you put me on the spot, you put me on the spot
that’s so weird, it’s kind of weird that you did that

I don’t know his name but it’s too late to confess it
I guess I’ll just have to guess it

[Cut back to Rob and Tommy.]

Rob: Is it Tommy?

RobTommy: What’s that?

Rob: Tommy?

RobTommy: Yep, you got it.

[Cut to Rob’s music video]

Rob: [singing] Yes! I can’t believe that I got it right
we’re gonna have fun tonight
now my only problem is
I’m starting to disappear

[Cut back to Rob and Tommy.]

RobTommy: Hey, man. You’re like, kind of starting to fade away.

Rob: Yes. [he is fading away] I am. That’s not how I expected the party to end. Can you let Katie know I had a great time?

RobTommy: Yeah. No problem.

[Cut to Rob’s music video]

Rob: [singing] I hope he doesn’t forget to tell Katie

[Rob disappears from the music video too.]